TITLE: The Horror, The Horror
AUTHOR: The Plaid Adder
CODES: G/B, the rest of the DS9 cast, a surprise visitor or two at the end
RATED: PG-13
SUMMARY:  Sisko asks Ophidia to direct a live version of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" for the Bajoran Gratitude Festival...let's just say that the end result is interesting.
DSICLAIMER: All rights reserved except for the ones Paramount owns already and the rights to the lyrics and music to "The Rocky Horror Picture Show," which are copyrighted to Richard O'Brien. Audience responses copyrighted to nobody. Kamireh the Wonder Substance belongs to Janis Cortese. The story was inspired by Siubhan's "Delta Quadrant Rocky Horror," a Voyager story about the cast doing the floor show.
COMMENTS: This story takes place a little while after "Working Lunch," a vignette which is unfortunately now lost. "Working Lunch" took place after "The Chair" and introduced Ophidia's partner Altaria. "Working Lunch"
also documents Garak and Bashir's first introduction to Kamireh the Wonder Substance, which was invented by Janis Cortese in her "Delightful Education of Julian Bashir" series. In "Working Lunch" it is established that kamireh has no effect on Caledonians, which is how Ophidia was able to eat it for weeks as a sandwich spread without discovering (as Bashir and Garak do, the first time they tuck into a kamireh sandwich) that it is in fact an extremely powerful aphrodisiac. 

* * *

PROLOGUE

(A suite of guest quarters on Deep Space Nine. ALTARIA and OPHIDIA enter together, having just come back from dinner.)

ALTARIA: Well, that was fun. The Garak-Bashirs seem like nice people. 

OPHIDIA: (flopping onto the couch) They are, generally. (ALTARIA sits next to her) Doctor Bashir can be a pain in the patookus, but he's good-hearted, and you know, who knows what's going on in Garak's head...

ALTARIA: But I can see why you like him.

OPHIDIA: I'm glad. I write home and tell you I'm going to be three weeks late becuase my ship sustained some damage when I had to go on a rescue mission to save a talking iguana I've befriended and I'm thinking, boy, if
it were me, I'd be pretty angry...

ALTARIA: I'm just glad you didn't tell me about it *before* you got back safe.

OPHIDIA: I didn't know I would be -

ALTARIA: Fifi...I'm glad you helped them,  really, now that I know them. But you are never, ever going to put yourself in that kind of danger again.

OPHIDIA: I'm sorry, Tarey. I wasn't thinking. It was all very tense...nobody was really in their right mind. And I don't even want to know *what* was going through *her* mind. You think you know your author...

ALTARIA: From what you've told me, I'm surprised no one got in trouble.

OPHIDIA: I'm still waiting for the shoe to drop. I think Sisko just wanted to let Bashir have some time to recuperate before slapping him with a court-martial. It was ... eurgggh. I never want to live through anything
like that again. I figure Sisko didn't have the heart to stomp on Bashir after what he'd been through, but he's got to do *something* to him, I'd think, for disobeying a direct order and all that. As for me, I don't suppose there's anything he can do to -- (the intercom beeps)

SISKO: Sisko to Ophidia.

OPHIDIA: Yes, Captain?

SISKO: Can you come down to my office, please? There's something I want to discuss with you.

OPHIDIA: (apprehensively) Sure.

SISKO: Thank you. Sisko out. (OPHIDIA and ALTARIA look at each other)

ALTARIA: (miming a dropping shoe) Cathunk?

OPHIDIA: (grimly) Cathunk.
 

(Cut to OPHIDIA barging into Ops, running up the steps to Sisko's office, passing DAX and O'BRIEN on the way)

DAX: Uh oh. Phid-der's in trou-ble ...

O'BRIEN: Let me know how it goes, I'm sure I'm next. (OPHIDIA swings into SISKO's office and starts before he can draw breath)

OPHIDIA: All right, look, I know it was stupid. It was beyond stupid. It was insane.

SISKO: Ah, Ophidia. Glad you could make it, have a -

OPHIDIA: Looking back on it, I can hardly believe we all made it out alive. A more half-assed, far-fetched rescue plan was never concocted, but -

SISKO: Ophidia ...

OPHIDIA: At the time, it seemed like -

SISKO: Ophidia ... I asked you in here to talk about the gratitude festival. What are *you* here to talk about?

OPHIDIA: Uh ... nothing ...

SISKO: Good. The less I know about that little escapade the happier I'll be.

OPHIDIA: So what was this about the ...

SISKO: Ah. Well, I want to get the human staff more involved this year -- you know, to promote harmony among the crew. And I need your help.

OPHIDIA: I do what I can to promote multiculturalism, Captain, but -

SISKO: In three weeks the traditional Bajoran drama contest will open. It's something that was always part of the gratitude festival but was repressed under the occupation. This year I'd like the Federation contingent to put
together an entry -- something from classical Terran drama.

OPHIDIA: And you're telling me this because -

SISKO: I'd like you to direct it.

OPHIDIA: Captain, I'm flattered, but -

SISKO: You're the only person I can think of who can do it. You have an intimate knowledge of Terran literature -- which is strange, really, considering you're Caledonian -

OPHIDIA: Comparative literature is a passion with me.

SISKO: -- you have professional experience as a performer -

OPHIDIA: Directing yourself and directing a full-scale production are two very different -

SISKO: It would be a great help to us, and it would help me explain to the Bajoran government what you're doing hanging around on their property. Since your late foray into Cardassian space they've become a little ...
curious ... about your history and motives ... and right now, I don't really know what to tell them.

OPHIDIA: (dubiously) Three weeks ... I suppose I could organize something small, maybe a Pinter play or a Brecht one-act -

SISKO: Oh no -- I've got the text picked out.

OPHIDIA: What are you, the producer? (SISKO nods) All right then. Which one?

SISKO: (with a huge grin) *The Rocky Horror Picture Show.* (OPHIDIA gapes) I've downloaded the text, music and lyrics onto individual PADDs and I'm looking right now into hiring enough instrumentalists --

OPHIDIA: Wait wait wait. *Instrumentalists*? Since when do you need --

SISKO: Oh, I'm not talking about doing the traditional floor show. That's been done so many times -- and it's always so stuffy and reverent, obsessed with reproducing the original film down to the last detail. I don't think
the classics should be treated like museum pieces. I think theatre should be all about originality, innovation, taking risks and pushing the envelope. Breathing new life into old dead texts. That's why we're going to do it live.

OPHIDIA: Live.

SISKO: Like an ancient -- what's the word -- musical. It'd have to be done that way anyhow, the Bajoran theatrical tradition strictly forbids the use of prerecorded video. They believe drama is a ritual consecrated to the  spirit of invention, and to use --

OPHIDIA: You want to perform this live. (SISKO nods) Captain, have you ever *seen* this film?

SISKO: Oh, of course! I took Jake for his tenth birthday. Jennifer always insisted he be exposed to the arts. He missed all the deeper layers of meaning, but --

OPHIDIA: And you say ... three weeks?

SISKO: You'll have access to the replicators for props, sets and costumes, and as soon as you decide where to stage it let me know --

OPHIDIA: You don't have a space in mind.

SISKO: Oh no ... I want you to have as much creative freedom as possible. (Getting excited) This is going to be a bold, new, revolutionary production -- something that will show everyone the Terran dramatic tradition is still
alive and kicking. Use your imagination.

OPHIDIA: I see. (Pause) Well, I'm sure in three weeks I can cast, rehearse, design, build, and light a radical new interpretation of a Terran classic with an all-amateur cast and no advance notice. Noooooooooo problem.

SISKO: I knew you could.

OPHIDIA: Irony isn't something you're familiar with, is it, Captain?

SISKO: You'll do just fine. (OPHIDIA sighs and exits, deep in gloom.  O'BRIEN notices her despondency and calls up to her as he works on one of the panels)

O'BRIEN: That bad, eh? (OPHIDIA shakes her head) Gosh, Ophidia, I'm sorry.  I -- (accidentally zots himself with one of his tools) Dammit!

OPHIDIA: (looking at him with dawning enthusiasm) Chief ... have you ever done amateur theater?

[credits]
 

On to Act I