Comedian Dan Allen used Google maps to get directions from Queens to Germany, with funny results.

(photo credit: Anya Garrett)
(This is what happens when a Sicilian breeds with an anorexic Viking)

Advances in communication technology has made people accessible 24/7, but it has also made lying to your friends the norm.

LYING FRIEND

I'd love to keep talking but my phone is dying. Sorry, I gotta go.

ME

What? I called you on your office's land line.

LYING FRIEND

(awkwardly)Ahh...yeah...umm...you're right , my cell is in my purse BUT my battery really is dying...um...ahh...I can't talk right now because it has lupus and I have to take it to the hospital. Bye.

(Dan Allen guest-blogged here all week.

For more, go to his daily blog, TaoofDan.com.)

(Ed: We think that's Dan on the left.)

I can tell you how many carbon atoms are in a buckminsterfullerene¹

I know where to find mynocks² and what they need to sustain life

I was a bus boy at The Magic Time Machine dressed as the Jolly Green Giant®

My hair style was a jazzy mullet³.

I was a clown for a year in high school, and thought girls loved jugglers

I felt and still feel extremely comfortable with these terms: dopplegänger, infravision, bag of holding, lycanthropes, roll for initiative, 18/00 Strength, etc…

I scribed a personalized poem for every girl I was smitten by

The circumference of my quadriceps have never exceeded fourteen inches.

I could not dance, and have been recently diagnosed with dysrythmia

I thought math was sexy

¹60 carbon atoms
² Hyperspace; Stellar radiation
³Imagine Flock of Seagulls, but somehow even more gay

(Tomorrow from Dan Allen: 'These are the Days of Our Lies'.)

This "morning" , I ordered my usual breakfast at Hebrew National Deli. Two eggs sunny-side up, home-fried potatoes, whole wheat toast, and a small coffee. I say "morning" because it was around 11:30AM which technically is before noon but it shouldn't be considered morning.

When my meal appeared, I was appalled at what I saw. It was 75% correct. No home-fried potatoes were available, so they had substituted french fries instead without informing me. Are they out of their mind? Who eats french fries with their eggs?!

I only eat cube-shaped potatoes for breakfast, elongated rectangular prism-shaped potatoes at lunch, and ellipsoidal-shaped potatoes at dinner.

Cylindrical-shaped potatoes are special because they can be served at lunch OR dinner.

Idiots! Its extremely important to know what geometric shape you are allowed to eat depending on the position of the Sun.

(Tomorrow: 10 Reasons Why Dan was a Virgin Until He was 19)

(Jon Fisch is slowly coming to terms with his sexuality, and Allen is contemplating life without hair.)

Astoria was the Hollywood of the silent film industry during the 1920's.

Eighty years later, entertainers (specifically Comedy Central comedians) are finally returning back to Queens.

With only a fifteen-to-twenty minute commute into Manhattan, it has become saturated with funny people.

Christian Finnegan, Ted Alexandro, Jon Fisch, Jesse Joyce, Jamie Lissow...the list goes on and on.

In fact, they've created a basketball league comprised of Astorian comics.

Check it out here!

(Dan Allen will be here all week, no pun intended.)

Dan Allen:

A few things I've absorbed from MySpace:

The number of "Friends" in a MySpace profile is a direct correlation to the number of hours logged on to the internet and inversely related to that person's actual social skill.

The beacon enlightens me how unproductive we humans have become.

When my beacon is on, I feel like Frodo Baggins when he slips on his ring and he becomes visible to the Nazgûl , Wraiths of the Shadow World.

MySpace creator Tom must get laid every day.

The saddest MySpace moment is having an actual physical friend not accept you as a MySpace friend and you receive the message, "You already have a pending friend request for this person."

To add insult to injury, you see that the bastard is and logs in and out everyday.

Friendster is the equivalent of a pager.

Dan Allen is guest-blogging all week. Read more of his sick twisted thoughts at his website, taoofdan.

This week we welcome comedian Dan Allen to CC Insider guest-blogging duties. Dan is a New York-based comedian and writer who has appeared on Comedy Central's Premium Blend, contributes to US Weekly's Fashion Police, and performs regularly around town. We happen to think he's really funny, so we asked him to send us a blog post about whatever he wants every day this week, and he kindly agreed.

More about Dan Allen:

• His (hilarious) Premium Blend video on MotherLoad
• His popular official website/blog, Tao of Dan
• Dan on MySpace
• An interview with Dan (that originally appeared on the website Gothamist.)

Look for Dan's first post later today.