Emergent Population Control

Forcing couples to stop having reckless unprotected sex is fascist. Yet it has become obvious that the current rate of population growth is unsustainable. So we have a dilemma: we need to find a way to ease the flow of newborns without resorting to the messy ad hoc-ery of birth control. So what do we do?

We mandate that everyone wears an unobtrusive, large badge framing a picture of the last person they had sex with. The simple force of social self-consciousness will take care of the rest. Here’s how:

  1. Brazen, drunken men looking for nothing more than friction will think twice about the quick score — after all, the only way to erase the record of the event would be to have sex with someone else.
  2. There will be no such thing as undetected adultery; monogamy will be self-enforcing.
  3. Loose women will straighten up to avoid the shame of having their face plastered across more than one guy’s chest, especially in small communities. They would imagine (with horror) two or three guys with whom they recently cavorted running into one another.
  4. Ugly people, for obvious reasons, will be mostly selected out of the gene pool.
  5. Blank badges (of the female variety) will be highly prized and hard to taint.

The end result will be a smaller, more attractive population.

Imagining this future makes preeminently clear the momentous importance of secrecy in the sexual realm, a secrecy which we brandish irresponsibly today and which I hope we can, through this modest proposal, soon eliminate. The prudent management of natural resources hangs in the balance.




Tom Church Jul 19th, 2007 at 3:35 pm

How Swiftian.