Amish People

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Amish people on their way to the gas station

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Yesterday, I was standing outside of a Men’s bathroom at a gas station off of I-80 convulsing with preurinary angst, trying not to spill my kidneys all over the shitty convenience store’s floors, when a group of four Amish people walks in.

This pretty much pushed me over the edge. Pure incredulity sent me into a fit of laughter, which forced me to go to the open Women’s bathroom, where I took care of business “with all deliberate speed.”

I don’t think you could blame me. I wasn’t expecting to see Anabaptists in an Amoco. The whole thing raised a few questions:

1. I thought these people don’t drive cars. Do they have any idea how the horse feels when they start pumping petroleum up its ass?

2. They came inside the store. Instead of asking, “What the fuck is a store?” they bought a couple Snickers and a Gatorade. Why did God not smite them? If I were the Amish supreme being, I’d throw a shitstorm the minute one of my subjects asked an overweight highway store clerk to pay for junk food with “Amoco Dollars.”

3. Do they get as upset as everyone else by the price of gas these days? Does the phrase “these days” or the word “price” even make sense to Amish people? Do they go home and start a tirade to their kids: “Three fucking dollars a gallon? The goddamn Arabs have a stranglehold on this country… if the general public knew the first thing about scarcity…”?

4. Based on (1) and (2), I think we can say that for all intents and purposes these people were just “sort of” Amish. Which leads to the obvious: who the hell would want to be sort of Amish? Sure, put up with the hat, the overalls, the old house, the stiff and guilty sex… but why go all the way and shun the modern world when you can hang out at a depressing rest stop? Yeah, that makes sense.

I for one think it’s disturbing that these people force their poor kids to live in a bizarro world. Maybe they won’t be able to keep up the ruse now that the modern world is closing in. In any case, they’re an unexpected treat for anyone among us who runs into them.

Question: What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever seen on the highway?

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Comments

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Mike Toomey May 9th, 2007 at 9:02 pm

I don’t see how (3) is at all based on (1).

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James Somers May 9th, 2007 at 9:15 pm

I got the numbering wrong.

Also, in (1) and (2) I’m trying to assert that these Amish people aren’t 100% committed to Amish ways. In (1), they either (a) drove a car there or (b) (and this is a lot less likely) wanted to do something shady with gas with a horse, neither of which is traditional Amishism. In (2) they buy synthetic modern food.

The whole point of (4) (your “(3)”) is to say they’re picking and choosing Amish ideas, or rather, aren’t 100% on board.

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Avinash Vora May 10th, 2007 at 4:16 am

Weirdest thing I’ve ever seen on a highway? A man riding a camel in the second-to-last slow lane.

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Yeo Kun Song Jun 22nd, 2007 at 10:07 pm

HAHA, I like (1) in particular, The weirdest thing I have ever seen is a car that drove straight right into the divder. Then it is stuck there. Pretty cool.

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