Devin checking out our new digs!!

R.I.P. Donald E Lemmon, Jr.
Beloved Father and Husband
9/4/68 - 6/10/06

4/04 - Exciting news in the land of Asia! We're moving to a new house at the end of the month! I invested every penny of Don's insurance money in the stock market, but the volatility of the past year plus the impending recession has made me want to hedge my bets a bit. So about 6 months ago I started looking for a new house, to diversify some of the money into real estate. And after looking at almost 100 different homes, I finally found our dream house! Thanks to the tanking real estate market, I got an amazing brand new home for a steal! It's just beautiful, and Catty begs me to drive out there practically every day, even though we haven't closed yet and I don't have any keys to let us in! Look at the VIEW from the kid's bedrooms! We're out in the middle of farmland, and the kids will grow up with horses, cows, sheep, goats, and even a fat friendly piggy nearby! I'm so excited about this move, everything just feels so RIGHT! How sad that Don had to die for his kids to be able to have everything he ever wanted for them - a wonderful home in a safe neighborhood with great schools... Thank you, Don!

3/25 - Whoever sent Catty the anonymous birthday present wrapped in pink princess paper, with a Children's Bible inside... well I am laughing my butt off. Good one! A bible for the atheist's daughter, how classic! But I had a children's bible as a kid, and it was some good reading, so yes, I will be reading the stories with her! Catty also wants to say thank you for the other gifts she got - she got lots of wonderful books from around the world, some really cute clothes, adorable puppets and a puppet stage, and some neat toys. And I want to give a very heartfelt shout-out to the soldier who sent me an official US flag that flew at a forward base in Iraq, with certificates and all. I got all choked up when I read what I was holding in my hands! What an amazing gift, THANK YOU!!

3/24 - Ok, I am officially weirded out! You know I'm an atheist, I'm not superstitious, I don't believe in anything the least bit non-scientific. But just a minute ago, as I was sitting here at my computer, working on stuff in the dead silence of night, Catty's doll starts talking. I nearly jumped out of my seat in a panic! What the - ?!? She said cheerily, "I love you soooo much! Muaah!!" (big kissy sound) I'm just staring at the doll, wondering why on earth the doll would say that when nobody has gone near it or touched it in any way. I've just been sitting here quietly typing at my computer for the past two hours! Then suddenly my eyes get pulled upward, and right there above Catty's doll, sitting on the mantel, is Don's urn. And he's smiling at me. Wow. [insert Twilight Zone music here] I love you too, Don! Muaaah!!!

3/21 - I miss Don. I hurt. 99% of the time I pretty much feel normal and ok now, but every so often there's something that just brings a memory of us together back so vividly, all I can do is curl up and cry. Don, wherever you are, I miss you. With all my heart.

Edited to add - If you want to know what set me off, I was reading the story of Motley Crue "The Dirt", and I decided to check out some of their videos on youtube to relive old times. I was having fun until I clicked on the last video I ever saw from them - I remember I was sitting with Don at his computer and we were watching it together. It was a good song, I do remember enjoying it at the time. But now it had a totally different meaning - the song is called "If I Die Tomorrow", and the words just cut too close to home for me. Ok, off to go cry some more.

3/12 - Thanks for the well-wishes everyone! We are finally feeling better! Yay! Oh hey, did you know that chickens poop eggs out of their butts to make baby chickens? It's true! Catty just explained this to me today after I made us all some eggs for lunch. Mmmmmmm... She just turned three a few days ago, and I already have to start explaining the birds and the bees to her? Oy vey! LOL!

3/07 - Would you believe we are STILL sick?!? Man, that flu really knocked me for a loop. After a week and a half of constant pain and no voice, I finally had to go on antibiotics to clear up the infection in my ear/throat. I'm FINALLY starting to feel better, but I am very weak. I have no energy to do anything. Not that I have a choice in the matter, with two kids who need me to take care of them. And although both of them had the flu before me, and recovered far more quickly than I did, Devin is now sick AGAIN, with a new strain of something-or-other. All I want to do is sleep, sleep, sleep, and get better, but Devin has other ideas. For the last two nights in a row, he has crawled into bed with me and then puked all over me, the bed, the sheets, himself, etc. So instead of getting rest and getting well again, I am doing laundry at 5am. Happy happy joy joy. Now I see why people have respect for single moms. This isn't fun anymore. :o( Sorry for the pity party, but I don't have anyone else to bitch to LOL!

2/27 - Being a single mom isn't so hard most of the time. I'm actually quite proud of how well I'm managing everything. But then there's weeks like this one. I have the flu. Fluid in my lungs, fever & chills, terrible sore throat, the works. Catty had it last week and was kind enough to share it with Devin and me this week. For three days now I haven't done much more than take Catty to daycare, lay in bed, pick her up, lay in bed some more. The house is an absolute disaster. Trust me, you do NOT want to see what a house looks like after three days of not cleaning up after two toddler tornadoes. I look around and I just don't even know where I'm going to begin, I'm so sick, it's so overwhelming, and there's nobody to help. To add to the fun? I have company flying in from out of town this weekend for 5 days to help celebrate Catty's 3rd birthday. So I HAVE to get my a$$ out of bed and clean this house. Ugh. I am so miserable, there are no words. Tonight Catty said to me, "Mommy, can you read me a book when you done crying?" That only made me cry harder. Poor kids, I'm a lousy mommy when I'm sick. :o(

2/21 - Today I was sitting at my desk autographing 8x10's, and Catty walks in and says, "What you doing mommy?" I said, "I'm signing my name on some pictures." She says, "Oh, you writing 'Mommy' on there?" ROFL!!! I had this visual of me autographing all my merchandise with "Mommy", and I couldn't stop laughing! Imagine Bob in Idaho opening up his copy of "A is for Asia", and it's signed "Dear Bob, I hope you enjoy the show! Love and kisses, Mommy" HAHAHAHA!! Thanks for the laugh, Catty!!

2/20 - I decided to go back to gardening, so I can have some hobbies besides cleaning up after toddlers all day. I'm certainly no expert at it, but I had a nice little vegetable patch going on in our backyard before Don died. So I thought maybe the kids would enjoy helping me do a little gardening this year. Catty was great - she really got into helping mommy plant the seeds in little peat pots in our kitchen. We carefully watered them each day and opened and closed the blinds to give them sunlight during the day, but no cold air at night. After a couple weeks, our little sprouts grew, and the weather has been in the mid to high 60's lately, so I got ready to transfer our little sproutlings outdoors. Today I laid out fresh topsoil, and lovingly planted our little peat pot sprouts into the soil. I was halfway done, when I turned to see why Devin was being so quiet. The STINKER had a plant in each hand, and a pile of ripped out sprouts strewn around him! He'd been ripping each plant right out of the ground after I planted it! GRRRR!!! I saved what I could of his destruction, and hurriedly finished replanting the rest of the sprouts, because big black heavy clouds were rolling in fast. I was happy my baby sprouts were going to get some rain! Yay! I went inside and sat down at the computer. Then the winds whipped up, the sky darkened, and... we are having a HAILSTORM!!! THERE ARE HUGE CHUNKS OF ICE ALL OVER MY @*#^$@#$ PLANTS!!! WTF?? Right up until yesterday we were outside playing in t-shirts!! GRRRRRR!!! Oh well, so much for gardening this year. Guess I'll go clean up after the toddlers some more...

2/10 - If you like Asian babes (now why else would you be here? ;o) then here's a link to surf if you're bored - The Top 10 Sexiest Asian Babes in the World! No nudity, but probably not safe for work. But then again, if you're here at my site, you probably don't give a crap whether a link is safe for work or not LOL!

1/30 - We've been looking forward to the circus coming to town all week! The last time the circus was here was a week before Don died, so that's a bit of a sad memory for me, of course. But I wanted to prepare Catty for what we were going to see, so I opened up the pics from when we went to the circus last time and I showed her pics of Catty and Daddy riding a camel, Catty and Daddy feeding goats, Catty and Daddy looking at the elephants, etc etc. (Mommy always takes all the pics, so she's not in very many of them) Anyway, today I pile the kids into the car, and we set off to go see the circus! I say, "Catty, where are we going? Where are we going today?" and Catty shouts back, as excited as can be: "I'm going to the CIRCUS!! I'm going to see my DADDY!!! Devin I'm going to see my DADDY at the circus!!" I can't even begin to tell you how hard it was for me to explain to her that no, she's not going to see her daddy today. Or ever. I had to pull over to the side of the road until I could stop crying enough to drive again. But at least Catty still had fun at the circus. *sob*

1/25 - I was browsing around a second-hand shop for kids, and I found the cutest little dress-up outfit for Catty! She was running around and around the house, shouting with glee, "I have wings like Daddy! I can fly like Daddy!" Awwwww! Catty's dad may not be able to give her hugs or take her to a game, but she'll still have the coolest daddy in school, 'cause HER daddy has WINGS and can FLY, like SUPERMAN!! Considering he's been gone for literally half of Catty's short little life, she has a great relationship with him! She likes to call daddy on her toy phones to talk to him. She tells him all about what she's been doing that day - it's sooo cute! And when we're outside, like the other day when Catty was riding her new big-girl bike, (doesn't she look so very grown-up for a 2yr old? *sniff!!*) Catty will throw her head back and shout up to the sky: "Daddy!! Look at me!! I got a big-girl bike!!!" She handles having a daddy-in-the-sky very well. On the one hand, it makes me sad that Don only had such a short time with Catty, and never even got to see Devin at all. Especially since, minus the mutant white-blonde hair and blue eyes, Devin is an exact CLONE of his daddy!! (how proud Don would have been to have seen he had a son who looked JUST like him... I SO wish he could have met his little boy just once...) But ANYWAY, I am glad that Don died before the kids were old enough to feel pain over his loss. I am glad that the agony was mine and mine alone to bear. The children will grow up only knowing that their daddy is Superman - he flies in the sky and watches them from the clouds. Kinda like that God dude, eh? Hehehe! ;o)

1/11 - For your reading amusement if you're bored..."8 Celebrities You Didn't Know Were Geeks". Although I'm betting you're already familiar with the pornstar on page 2, who came in at #3 on their list ;o). Thanks to everyone who emailed me with a heads-up about it! :o)

01/02/08 - Two updates in one day! What is this world coming to? LOL, don't get used to it, ok? I'm just feeling chatty, hahaha! For those who have been following my journey since Don died, I just want to share this news - it is almost exactly 18 months since Don died, and I can finally say this. I have found happiness again. Just living my quiet little life in Utah, with my two children who I adore. They are all I need. A few months ago I wrote a bulletin about how I was depressed about being depressed. Well, now, somehow, I have finally reached the other side. I wake up feeling happy, and then I am happy to find that I am happy! Which makes me even MORE happy! I was afraid to jinx it by saying anything, but I've been consistently happy for over 2 months now, so I just thought I'd share the good news. I have seen the bottom of the abyss, and I am just so grateful to not be there anymore, I am grateful to not be crippled by sadness anymore, I am grateful that I am not any one of the millions of people on this planet with reasons to truly be miserable about their lives. I am grateful to be me, living in a nice home in a safe neighborhood, with the two cutest kids EVER, and we are all in the best of health. YAY!!! I really feel such a sense of closure to my grief, that I want to say, "Ok, I am shutting the site down now!" However, that would make me very, VERY sad to do, so I think I'd better hold off on that for now LOL ;o). Truth be told, there are three reasons I don't want to close the site down. One, I love the people in my chatroom, who have been my rock since the day Don died. Two, although I am not making a killing off my Merchandise Sales Page, it has been helping me pay the bills and not touch Don's insurance money, which has to last us forever, so that is a good thing! And three, after over a decade of these bulletins, (yes, I was blogging many years before there was such a word!) you probably have a good idea of how cathartic it is for me to share my thoughts with you guys. It's like being able to write into a diary that emails you back, saying, "Hey, I know how you feel! I've been there!". You guys have been a wonderful source of support for me through the years. Thank you. :o) {{{hugs to all}}}

01/02/08 - Whoops! I guess I should check my p.o. box more often! More thanks going out to Nicole, for the gorgeous handpainted ornaments of Catty and Devin! David, thanks for the wonderful kids' books you sent! David, thanks for the fairy story for Catty! Charles, the kiddos LOVE their Dora and Elmo dolls! (you don't mind if I keep the Elmo's volume turned off, do you? LOL!) Larry, thank you for the handmade ceramic bowl for Devin! And everyone who sent me Xmas cards, it's so nice that you thought of me and my little family this holiday season! I am so grateful to have fans that I truly consider my friends! Love you guys!!

12/26 - Between myself, me2, and my fans, the kids made out like bandits this year! They got tons and tons of gifts from everyone! Thanks to everyone who sent stuff for the kiddos, they love their monogrammed hats and stockings, the wonderful children's books, the kiddy computer, the toy fire engine, and the awesome interactive doll set for Catty! Catty's being such a good mommy, it's so cute to watch her taking care of baby dolly's every need! I had to laugh though, the demanding little doll cries and fusses about something or another every 30 seconds, and at one point it yawned, so Catty laid it down in bed, then the doll started to cry and said "Mommy, read me a story!" Catty got aggravated with the doll and said very sternly, "No Dolly! You need to SLEEP now!!!" LOL I was trying hard not to laugh until Catty turned out the lights and left me sitting in the dark in front of my computer, insisting "No lights! Dolly sleeping! Shhh!!" I've moved Dolly to a different room now. Damn if I'm gonna sit in the dark in dead silence all night because of Catty's doll LOL!!!

12/09 -I hope everyone is having a happy holiday season! We are! Catty and I have been baking Xmas cookies from scratch, and we even made a beautiful gingerbread house! It wasn't structurally perfect, but we had fun anyway, LOL! Oh, and it's official now, I have completed my transformation from pornstar to soccer mom! No more worrying about being recognized ever again, hahaha! I am officially a frumpy, frazzled mom of two toddlers, and I couldn't be happier! Being a glamorous pornstar was fun while it lasted, but I am glad I retired on top and can now grow fat and old in peace. :o) My kids love me no matter what I look like, so I don't need to get botoxed and plastic surgeried to death in a vain attempt to beat Father Time. I used to dread every birthday because it meant I was getting older and uglier. Now I'm looking FORWARD to birthdays, because the older my kids get, the more fun things we can do together! Yay! Have a wonderful holiday season everyone! Tons of love and hugs to you all!! :o)

11/18 - Not much to report, but thought I should say hi anyway :o). Emotionally I've been doing REALLY well lately, I really feel happy a lot of the time, ironically enough, ever since my post about "will I ever really be happy again?" So YAY for being able to wake up with a smile!! Today I got a wild hair up my butt to take the kids shopping for a (toddler-sized) Xmas tree, and then we had so much fun decorating it that Catty got all dressed up to take some pics with the tree, then we hung up stockings too, and then what the hell, I did the whole front of the house up in Xmas lights! That kids got such a kick out of it when the sun went down and I turned on all the lights for them! The looks of amazement on their face were well worth the cussing as I climbed all over prickly palm trees to hang the lights! Man, today was just a great day all around, even if it is kind of early to be prepping Xmas stuff. Seeing a beaming, happy face like this makes everything in life feel worthwhile!!

10/27 - Someone just reminded me that Disney is going to be building a resort right next to my timeshare on Oahu, so not only will that make it go up in value, but I have two little monkeys who will definitely enjoy going there in about 2-3 years, so now I feel much better about hanging onto it for a while. :o)

10/25 - I am so pissed off at the Marriott Timeshares! They suck huge amounts of donkey balls!! GRRRRR!!! Ok, rewind to when Catty was about 8 months old, Don and I took her to see Hawaii, where we made her. While we were there, we decided to buy a timeshare in Ko'Olina, where we used to live, so that we could come back to our favorite place in the world for 2 weeks every year. The nice salesman promised us that if we ever wanted to sell it, Marriott would help us, but I couldn't see why I'd ever want to sell it - I'd been going to Ko'Olina every year for ten years prior to that, and I planned to keep on going for the rest of my life! Well... fast forward to now, Don's dead, and I'm single mom to one and two year old kiddos. Travelling is pretty damn low on my priority list these days, and the timeshare has never been used, not once. So remembering what the nice salesman told us in the Marriott timeshare offices, I call them up and tell them I want to sell my timeshare. They act all concerned and ask why, and I explained my husband died and I can't travel with two kids so small by myself. They act all sad for me, and then inform me that they can't help me sell my timeshare. WHAT?? WHY NOT?? Well, "because the re-sale program won't be implemented until Marriott has sold ALL of their units first, and they have only sold 35% to date. But we'll be happy to put you on a waiting list for the resale program!". WHAT A CROCK!!! They've been selling timeshares there for like 6 years now, so that means they can help me sell mine in about TWELVE YEARS!! !#&$%!&#$ And I just did a google search on selling timeshares on your own, and basically, I'm screwed. I am going to lose my A$$ getting out of this, if I can get out at all! THANKS FOR THE SHAFT, MARRIOTT!! You have all been warned! Grrrr!!!!

10/22 - Every time I see the news and all those pictures of California up in flames I get tears in my eyes and a panicky feeling in my chest. I know all too well how all those people are feeling right now, after having been evacuated twice myself. Even though the last time was three years ago, the sight and smell of fire brings all the memories flooding back like it was yesterday. One day you see smoke rising up in the distance. Maybe a story appears in the paper. That night, you can see an eerie orange glow over the horizon, and you can't sleep because you keep checking to see if the glow is getting brighter every few minutes. In the morning huge dark clouds of smoke spread out like a nuclear holocaust, and you can see the water helicopters looking so tiny against the billowing clouds. You spend all day glued to the tv, watching for updates, but as night comes, you can see the flames licking up over the closest hillsides, and all you can do is cry. In the morning comes the call for evacuation, and you frantically grab everything you can fit in your car, while choking on the thick clouds of smoke, and feeling hot ashes pelt your face while you try and get your terrified pets into the car. And then you drive away, not knowing if you'll have a home to return to. I spent three days staying at a friend's house on the other side of the S.F. Valley, watching the news, crying, and spending the nights watching the flames you could see leaping into the air all the way across town. It's awful, just awful, to spend so long not knowing if you've lost everything. I would have much rather endured a couple more earthquakes. At least BOOM! they're over, and then you know where you stand and you can start picking up the pieces of the wreckage and regaining your sanity.

My heart goes out to everyone in California in the vicinity of those fires right now. My thoughts are with them, and I hope the nightmare is over soon, really soon!!

And my undying thanks to the brave firemen who managed to save my homes both times. They are true heroes!! I hope every one of them make it safely through this inferno!

10/17 - Tonight, I spent a happy evening just being grateful. For what? For you. For all of you! I looked back over the last year and really took some time to think about all the wonderful things you've done for me and my kids. I looked over the massive pile of cards you've sent over the past year (yup, I've kept every one, so the kids can see how much support there was for us when Daddy died!), and I stood in the doorway of the kids' room and I looked over all the gifts you've showered upon the kids this year. Oh my goodness! Toys, clothes, teddy bears, monogrammed purses, handmade blankets, photo pillows... some of the stuff is so nice I hung it on the wall instead of letting them play with it! Who would have ever thought a pornstar would have fans spoiling her kids so rotten? And who would have ever thought that a pornstar would have countless people from around the world banding together to form a network of support that has literally held me up through this past year! Your words, your kindnesses, your emails, your donations, your advice, every bit of it helped me survive this tragedy. I wish I could give every one of you a hug and say "thank you" in person. And then I'd show you how unbelievably cute Catty and Devin are in person, too! Hehe! ;o) But seriously, from the bottom of my heart, I love you all. You are like family to me. You've helped me through the darkest time of my life. Thank you.

10/09 - You know what's really gay? (besides my un-P.C. habit of using the word "gay" to describe anything and everything LOL!) I keep finding myself depressed about being depressed. I know I am clinically depressed. I mean duh, my kids don't have a father, and I'm going to grow old alone, who wouldn't be depressed about that, right? No big deal there, it is what it is. I don't sit around crying about it, but my life is pretty black and white and joy-free. I exist. I find myself very apathetic about most everything. I feel like I'm just going through the motions of living until my kids are 18 and my job here is done. I'm not happy or sad, I've accepted that this is my life, and I get on with it. But sometimes I remember what the old me was like, the one who woke up each day glad to be me, and excited to "seize the day", and I miss me. I know my kids don't know the difference; I make sure to do fun and special things with them every day, but still... I know I would have been a better mom to my kids if I wasn't so depressed. And that makes me sad. Not only did my kids get cheated out of one parent, but the other one is just a shell of what she used to be. I know I've healed a lot mentally in the last year; obviously I've come a LONG way from the agony my life was a year ago. I just wonder if I'll ever really be happy again, or if this state of apathy is as good as it's gonna get? Well I don't suppose anyone can really answer that question for me. Just thought I'd share what I've been feeling lately. Thanks everyone, for reading my blogs and being my shrink - you guys save me a lot of money by letting me vent here! LOL!! :o)

10/06 - I took Catty and Devin to a Chuck E Cheese-like place, where Catty could use tokens to play games and win tickets, which she trades in for prizes.

So for her prizes, she chose two super balls - you know, those little rubber bouncy balls, and I told her to put them in her pockets as we left, because I wasn't going to chase them all over the parking lot.

Unbeknownst to us, they fell out of her pants pockets and into her car seat as we were driving over to Wal-Mart.

As we're walking into the entrance of Wal-Mart, Catty suddenly stops and starts patting all around the front of her pants frantically.

"Mommy! My balls are gone!! MOMMY!! MY BALLS ARE GONE!!"

People are looking curiously at the two-year old girl who is grabbing all around her crotch in a total panic, and starting to cry loudly, with big huge gasping sobs:


Um, yeah. I was embarrassed. I'm smiling and nodding at everyone who is staring at me like I gave my poor toddler a sex change, and I decided it would be wiser to go back to the car, find Catty's balls, and save the shopping trip for another time.

And how was YOUR day? :o)

10/06 - Thank you, Jennifer in NY, for the water filtration system! What a great gift! Yippee!

10/04 - Today on a silly whim I picked up a jar of caviar while grocery shopping. Just curious to see what all the hype was about, y'know? At the checkout the cashier says to me, "You really like this stuff?" I said, "I don't know yet - I'm just trying to pretend I'm rich!" She laughed and said, "How do you eat it?" I told her I looked at the little picture on the box and it looks like toast points and cream cheese to me, so that's what I bought to go with it. So I get home all eager to see what it feels like to eat like a rich person. I smeared some nonfat cream cheese on a pita crisp, applied caviar liberally, and dug in. Munch... munch... uhhh... *gag* This stuff is gross! It tastes like salty tapioca balls! Ok, now I'm definitely not feeling rich - just stupid! What am I going to do with this small expensive jar of grossness?! Throw it away? Suddenly inspiration hit! My fish! I dumped a spoonful of caviar into each of my fish tanks, and oh MAN!! The fish went WILD for it!! They couldn't suck it down fast enough!! And I'm happy as a clam now, because I feel like Donald freakin' Trump - Hahaha, I'm so rich I feed caviar to my FISH! ;o)

p.s. My CATS love caviar too! Who knew? LOL!!

9/22 - YAY!! I'm FINALLY better! After five days of puking hell, I finally figured out what was causing my mystery illness! And it WAS a mystery! I have never been puking sick for longer than 24 hours in my whole life. I have a very VERY strong constitution. So this was really starting to worry me. But after 4 days I noticed a recurring pattern - I was only getting sick at night! Just in time to lay down for bed, I'd get a crushing headache and violent nausea, and I'd spend the next few hours tossing my cookies again and again until I passed out from exhaustion. I'd wake up feeling weak and hungover, but I'd slowly recover until by early evening I felt fine again! Then when it was time for bed, the cycle would start again. What the...? An illness that only struck at night, and went away every day??

I will be forever grateful to the person who asked me if I was drinking tap water, because sudden seasonal changes can make shifts in the lakes and reservoirs that give bacteria and parasites a chance to thrive. Who knew? But as soon as I heard that question about tap water, the pieces fell into place in my head.

Every night after the kids are in bed, I sit down at my computer with a glass of wine - 1/4 wine, and 3/4 tap water, to be exact. Sometimes I'll even have a second glass, just to be a rebel. How ironic is it that if I'd drunk the wine straight, I never would have gotten sick!! Here I thought I was being such a good girl!

But wait - it gets worse! So after I lay down to bed and I'm feeling sick as a dog, I dash to the bathroom and barf my brains out. Then a voice in the back of my head mutters, "Don't get dehydrated..." so I turn to the sink and guzzle down more tap water. ARGHHHHH!!!! I repeated this cycle who knows HOW many times every night!!! I kept drinking the damn water and puking it up over and over again!

Thank goodness I only drink bottled water all day long, so I was able to realize that the tap water in my wine at night was making me sick. Ugh, this has been the CRAPPIEST five days EVER!! Nothing but bottled water for me from now on!!!

9/20 - Last night I had a dream... Don came walking into my computer room and said, "So, you feeling better?" And I said, "Yes, thank you for taking such good care of me!" Don took off his shirt, revealing that glorious torso of his, and then headed for the bedroom, calling back over his shoulder: "You feel up for a little snuggling?" Hell yeah!! I jumped up from my computer and ran to the bedroom. But I stopped in the doorway - there was no one there! The bed was perfectly made, and the room was empty. I said to myself, "That's weird, I saw him walk in here! Where could he be?" And then I answered myself: "He's dead." And I woke up crying. Why would my own brain give me such a godawful dream like that?!? If my brain can bring Don back to life in my dreams, then why not allow me the joy of spooning up to my husband in bed one more time? Or just not bring him back at all! I can't believe my own mind would be so mean to me!!

9/19 - The last week has been very challenging. I have been puking, fever and chills for several days now. Taking care of toddlers while being so sick is very hard. I'll update more when I feel better.

9/04 - Happy Birthday Don. I love you. I miss you. {{{hugs}}}

9/03 - Tonight as a special treat, I took the kids out to dinner. After we were done, I was lifting Catty up to put her in her car seat, when she points up at the sky and says, "Dark, mommy!" "Yup, it's dark Catty!" Catty stares up at the dark sky for a minute, and then says, as sweet as you please: "I love you, Daddy." Ahhhhh... I can't even put into words the pain of my heart being ripped out of my chest when that left hook came out of nowhere! I buckled Catty into her car seat and forced a smile, saying, "Daddy loves you too Catty... he loves you very, very much. Here's a big kiss from Daddy!" SMOOCH! Then Catty smiles at me and says, "I love you too Mommy! I love you AND Daddy!" I gave her a hug, and then drove home as fast as I could before the tears started to fall. I only made it halfway before I started bawling like a baby. And Catty's little voice kept trying to soothe me from the back seat, "Stop crying Mommy! It's ok! Stop crying Mommy, it's ok!" No, it's not ok. It will never be ok. But Catty is my little angel, and I love her with all my heart. Even if she does break my heart into a million pieces when she jabbers on her toy phone... "Hi Daddy! What you do-ing? You flying in the clouds? Like a bird! ...Mommy!! I talking to Daddy! YOU talk to Daddy!" And she holds the phone out to me. And it's all I can do not to bawl right in front of her. Sometimes I do, I just can't help it. And then she wraps her little arms around me and says, "Stop crying Mommy, it's ok..." Hard to believe she's only 2 years old, huh...

9/01 - The mailing address I have here in Utah had to be changed a month or so ago because the "Mailboxes and More" store that had my PMB address closed down. So I got a new mailbox at a UPS store down the street, filed the necessary 'change of address' forms with the post office, and promptly forgot about it. Now I'm getting emails right and left saying that everything people have mailed to me is getting returned to them stamped "Recipient has moved, no forwarding address". ARGH!! So I tried again to file an address change with the post office, and I discover that they refuse to forward mail that goes to PMB addresses! My guess is because stores that provide PMB mailboxes are in direct competition with PO boxes at the post office. ARGH! What to do? The post office says "You must tell the old PMB to forward mail to your new one". Ok great, my old PMB is GONE, cleared out, empty storefront! So I'm screwed on that. All I can do is post my new address here, and apologize to everyone who has sent me stuff that got returned to them :o( I'm sorry! My new address is:

Asia Carrera
1055 W Red Cliffs Dr #C - 143
Washington, UT 84780

8/22 - ARGH! IDIOTS!!! A couple of months ago I told you guys that I legally changed my son's name from Donald Edward Lemmon III to Devin D'Artagnan Lemmon. Well, that wasn't quite the truth. I FILED to have his name legally changed, but it never occurred to me that they might REFUSE to make the change! So yeah, I mailed in the name change form, and a few weeks later it came back to me with a post-it note stuck to it that said "this requires a court order". What? I highlighted the fine print on the form that said I did NOT need a court order for a name change made less than a year after baby's birth, and I sent it back. A few weeks later, they sent it back to me saying "without the father's signature on this form, we CANNOT make the name change". I totally blew a gasket! I EXPLAINED on the form that my husband died when I was 8 months pregnant, and I named my son after him to honor his father, but I could never bring myself to tell people that his name was "Don", because it made me fall apart every time I tried to say it! So I wanted to change it back to the name Don and I had originally chosen for him! ARGHHH!! For the third time, I mailed the form back to them, this time including a copy of Don's death certificate, and a handwritten note PLEADING with them to end this agony for me. Finally, they put the name change through. I cried huge tears of relief standing at the mailbox when I got the confirmation letter. At LAST!!! So... fast-forward to today. I drop Catty off at daycare and take Devin down to the office for the Hall of Records, to pick up a copy of his new birth certificate. I fill out the paperwork, pay the fee, and they hand me a lovely laminated copy of the birth certificate for... Devin D'artagnan Lemmon III. THE THIRD?!? WTF?!? Hello, you changed my kid's name to a NEW NAME, HOW CAN HE STILL BE THE THIRD?!? DOES HE HAVE ANOTHER FATHER I DON'T KNOW ABOUT?!?! IDIOTS!!!! I don't care. I'm over it. I am not going to engage in another battle to change his name again for the next 6 months. I will be the proud mommy to the only baby in America named "III" without any "I" or "II" preceding him. So everyone, meet Devin D'Artagnan Lemmon III - he's definitely one of a kind!

8/16 - Here's a random assortment of odds and ends for your viewing amusement. First, we have photographic evidence (nudity alert!) of why I can't go jogging. Yes, that reads 14.6lbs. That's 7.3lbs per boob! I'm carrying around a gallon of milk on my chest LOL!!! Second, I have photographic evidence that Devin is definitely Don's kid. (where are my genes in that kid? I have no clue! When I go out with him, people think I'm his babysitter LOL!) And last but not least, we have a hilarious vid clip of what Catty likes to do with her teddy bears. She's two years old. You think she might like to play house with them, or perhaps a pretend picnic? Nooooo, not my kid! She gives them enemas. You think I'm kidding? Prepare to laugh your butt off!

8/06 (part 2) - AAAAHHHH!! Best birthday present EVER!! A couple months ago I submitted four pics of the kids to an online photo contest, and promptly forgot all about it. Today I get an email to tell me they WON! Devin took FIRST PLACE in the "Beautiful Baby" category!! Holy crapola! I am so proud and happy I have tears in my eyes! I am a little surprised that Catty didn't even place in that category, and Devin came in FIRST?!? I thought Catty was the 'beauty queen' of the family, but it looks like my little studmuffin son is gonna give her a run for her money! Go Devin! And don't miss the bawling twosome in second place under the "Best Captured Moments" category too! Check them out!! Catty did also place as a runner-up in the "Best Captured Moment" category as well. So 3 of the 4 pics I submitted were winners! What a wonderful birthday surprise for me! I could not be prouder of my babies! And I know Don is smiling down from the mantel, saying, "Yep, that Dev's gonna be a ladies' man, just like his poppa!" Hehehe! :o)

8/06 - Happy birthday to me! Thanks for the new computer me2! :o)

8/03 - You wanna hear the most pathetic thing ever? I keep trying to set up a memorial for Don at Mile Marker 80, where he died on the I-15N coming home from Vegas, AND PEOPLE KEEP STEALING THE STUFF!!! How low can you go?!? I have a friend who actually lives near there, in the middle of "No Man's Land" way out in the desert, and he keeps trying to set stuff up to help me out. But no sooner does he set up a marker, flowers, a wreath, whatever, then people steal it. Obviously they must be "fans", or they wouldn't be stealing the stuff, because there are plenty of other memorials along the same highway that have been there for years; long before Don died. But what kind of "fan" would want to hurt me like this?!? If you are fan, then LEAVE something there! Some ugly flowers, a tacky wreath, Xmas decorations, whatever! I just want to make a fun memorial with some tacky items to make people smile as they drive by, so the place where my husband died can be remembered with a smile. Is that so much to ask?!?! I guess it is, because when my firends left Devin's first birthday party to drive back to Vegas, they let me know that someone STOLE THE WHOLE MILE MARKER SIGN!!! I have no words. None. Ok, I do have some words, but I won't type them here. Use your imagination.

7/26 - This is beyond gay, but a fan just let me know that my grandma died. So nice to hear the news from a random fan instead of a family member. I googled her name and sure enough, I found the obituary online. Well it's alright, I know she's happier now anyway. She's been sad and lonely in a nursing home since grandpa passed away 10 years ago. I can totally feel her pain and imagine how much she was longing to be with Papa again. R.I.P. Gramma. Say hi to Don for me and give him my love!

7/16 - Being a single mom was so hard today! I just want to cry and cry!! Around 4:30 today the power went out for a few minutes. When it came back on, I realized my UPS surge protector had blown, so my computer and net connection were down. While I was busy grumbling about that, the power went out again - and this time it stayed out. By 5:30 it was getting pretty toasty in the house already, the fish were starting to gasp at the top of the tank for air (no filters running) and I was starting to get worried. I opened my garage door manually and picked Catty up from daycare. The daycare lady said the power was out all over St. George, and could be for days! When you live in the desert and it's over 110 degrees every day, this is no laughing matter! I went home and stripped the kids down to diapers because it was so hot in the house already, and I tried to figure out a plan of action. I threw some clothes and diapers and toiletries into a bag and threw the kids into the car, just in their diapers. St George is so isolated, there's only one highway in and out, and the next nearest towns are 30 minutes south and 45 minutes north, with nothing but barren desert in between. I chose to drive north with the kids, figuring it would be a little cooler up there, and we could stay at a hotel until the power came back. There's no way we could stay in a house with no power when it gets over 110 degrees! As I listened to the radio I heard that the hotels were driving the rates up to triple their prices to rip off the displaced St George people, the last generator at Home Depot went for $900 to a panicky citizen, and the lines for gas were out of sight at the few places on the outskirts of town that still had any gas left. It was really scary. -I- was scared! I had these two little people in the back of my car who trusted me to take care of them, and I really didn't know what to do! When we got to the town north of us, the skies unleashed a torrential downpour, furious winds kicked up, and the temperature dropped to 65 degrees. And my poor kids were wearing nothing but diapers! The radio said power might be restored in a few hours, so I didn't want to get a hotel room for triple the price, so I pulled into a Walmart parking lot and stood in the pouring rain pulling light little summer onesies onto my kids - that was all I had! I didn't know it would be 65 and storming 45 minutes north! The kids were hysterical by the time I ran into the store with one cold, shivering, wet baby on each hip, and we sat at the McDonald's in WalMart for over an hour while I wondered whether the power was on, whether we could go back home, whether my fish were all dead, what to do, what to do... I felt like such a bad mom. I don't have all the answers! UGH!! Finally I ran back out to the car with the kids, drove to a hotel, asked if I could call my house to see if the power was back on, and it was! YAY!!! By now it was dark out, still storming TERRIBLY, and the kids were crying the whole way home while mommy squinted through sheets of rain in the dark, praying we didn't get in an accident. Finally we got home, only two fish died (my favorite clown loaches, DAMN!!) and the kids are in bed, and I have installed a new UPS surge protector and gotten back online. UGH. This was the longest day in history. I am exhausted. And I feel very vulnerable as a single mom now. I like boring days much better. Boring is good, I am realizing... I hope tomorrow is very boring!

7/13 - So me, the completely unsuperstitious atheist, goes and posts on a message board that "no, I don't believe in bad luck on Friday the 13th". Well until I wrote that, my day had been going just fine! But then as usual, the fates decided to have fun at my expense. *sigh* I packed up the kids to take them to the city pool, and as I backed out the driveway, the garage door, which I recently had fixed, wouldn't shut. I tried a couple times and then gave up and headed off anyway. As I rounded a bend and headed down the steepest hill in town, a sneaky cop was lying in wait at the bottom and gave me a ticket. As he gave it to me he said, "You were only doing 10 over the limit, the absolute minimum to get a ticket" - like that's supposed to make me feel better?!? Grrrr!!! So we went to the city pool for half an hour and then the kids were cold so we got ready to leave. Well somebody stole Catty's new shoes! Argh! Not only was Catty distraught because they were shiny silver princess shoes, but I was mad because she couldn't walk outside on the hot pavement with no shoes, so now I had to carry one kid on either hip, AND carry their swimmies, floaties, towels, etc etc... GRRRR!!! By now I was in a really bad mood, but when I opened the trunk of the Jeep to throw everything in, I just stood and stared at the front of my car, where the sun was glinting down on a BIG HUGE CRACK IN MY WINDSHIELD!!! WHAT THE...?!?! I haven't a clue how that happened, or how I'm going to get it fixed, or what I'm supposed to do with two small kids while it's being repaired, etc, etc, AKKK!! What a CRAPPY day!! And how was YOUR Friday the 13th? I suppose all of you who are wary of the date probably had a GREAT day, huh! Pbbbbbtht!!! ;oP

7/11 - Here is a link that you are NOT going to thank me for posting, but it cracks me up... Hehehe... They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, right? Does "her" site remind you of anyone elses? Now don't go harassing her, I just thought it was funny that she swiped my whole site layout, and I'm choosing to take it as a compliment. Better yet, the inside of her site is lifted directly from the inside of my Really Boring Paysection, so I guess that means I have all sorts of fans out there, eh? ;o)
[edited July 17 - Heather has changed the front page of her site so it's not like mine anymore - you guys weren't being mean to her, were you?!? I hope not!]

7/11 - Nothing much exciting to report here. Hunkering down indoors as much as possible because not only have the temperatures been hitting as high as 118 degrees, but the recent fires in all directions make it very smoky and hard to breathe outside. Yup, I moved from paradise to hell! But I am plotting my return to paradise (that would be Hawaii) as soon as I can afford it. It might take me a couple years, but at least it gives me something to look forward to! Meanwhile, I've just been throwing myself into my latest geek obsession, which is my fish tanks. The Petco and the 2 local fish shoppes are pretty much used to me coming in every other day with Devin on my hip to check out their wares. I've got a buttkicking Oscar, 2 silver dollars, a buttload of gouramis, 2 clown loaches, and 2 squadrons of corydoras, one in each tank. Plus assorted barbs, tetras and shrimp. I do upgrade my tank sizes as needed, and I look forward to getting a 55 or 75 gallon tank next, when my fish get a little bigger. And the kids love the fish as much as I do! Devin's first word was "fish", and his first sign (baby sign language) was also for "fish" as well! And Catty... well you already know she's my little genius. There's a chair in front of each tank so she can climb up and check on all her little buddies. Have you ever heard a two-year-old kid correctly identify an "albino corydora"? Yeah, didn't think so, hehehe - Check her out! I'm so proud of my little whiz kid! :o)

6/29 - Some people have asked, why do I have a myspace page if I won't add everyone as my friend? Well, two reasons. One, I only made the page so that Myspace could note in their records where the real Asia page is, so I won't have any more problem with fakers in the future. Two, I am socially phobic. I'm sorry if you don't think that is a "real" problem, but it is. It is very crippling. It is the reason why I am content to live in a state where I know absolutely nobody and I'm HAPPY with that. So I don't want a page where thousands of strangers can post comments about me, because eventually some people are going to say mean things, and I'm going to sit here crying over it. I'd like to spare myself the heartache. And if you can't understand that, well, you are a stronger person than I, lucky you. {{hugs to all}}

addendum - I don't like this myspace thing. It makes it too easy for people to send me mean emails. I am not cut out to be a celebrity - I cry over this stuff, I really do! I'm just gonna leave that page alone for now. Sorry to be such a wuss. :o( But you know where to find me - right here! :o)

6/29 - Yay, the fake Asia is off Myspace! Thank you for your help everyone! As a special treat, I have snapped two pics for all the guys who wanted to know how my butt compares to my mega-boobs in the shots posted on 6/27. Well, I'm definitely "livin' large" compared to the Asia of yore, but I'm not obese LOL! And I am on a diet, so my "chubby booty" will hopefully be shrinking right alongside my boobies over the next few months. Anyway, here ya go buttshot 1 and buttshot 2. As Don used to say fondly, I am "volumptuous", hehehe! ;o)

6/28 - Ok, let's just put an end to the myspace B.S. once and for all. I now have a myspace page. So if you see any other "Asias" on myspace, you will know they are a FAKE!! I have been REALLY tolerant of fake Asias all over the net, I really have. Myspace, friendster, dating sites, phone sex, whatever, my fans let me know about all of them. I'm aware you phonies are out there, and I just can't be bothered to do anything about it. But when you stoop to using pics of "Asia the Mommy", pics of ME at HOME with no makeup, and posting pictures with my KIDS, well, there I draw the line. That shi* has got to stop! So here, I have made up a myspace page so you all know where the REAL Asia is - But before you rush to send me a friends request, DON'T!!! I am NOT adding ANY friends except REAL friends from my days in porn. PERIOD. I will deny all other "add me" requests, so please don't bother! Ok? Ok! Yup, I'm even socially phobic in cyberspace, no friends for Asia! LOL!!

6/27 - Devin's starting to eat a lot more solid food and a lot less boob milk, which means that maybe in a few months my boobs will be mine, all mine again! And maybe they will shrink back down to a size where I don't need to bind myself in three sports bras to go jogging! Whoohoo! Here's what I look like now - what do you think, are the twins looking any smaller? Uh, ok how about NOW?? Not so much, huh. ROFL!! Well enjoy 'em while they last - I know guys find large breasts amusing, but trust me, I can't WAIT to have my old C cups back! Please PLEEEEEASE let them come back!!!

6/26 - Myspace users, I would like to take a moment to say that THIS is not me, and I am thoroughly disgusted that someone would use a pic of the real me, at home, in my kitchen, and claim it is them. Not only that, but amongst the pics they've posted are pics of me, Amy Dunn, AND MY DAUGHTER CATTY!!! HOW FREAKIN' LOW CAN YOU GO!!! Feel free to slam this slimebag for impersonating me and using images of my sweet little daughter!! Thank you.

6/26 - I made a promise to myself that I would try to be stronger after the 1 yr anniversary of Don's death passed. But I still find myself missing him. And hurting. And feeling sad. I guess I'm not as strong as I thought I was. On another note, if you've had sex even once in the past year, you are doing better than the infamous ex-pornstar Asia Carrera! I wonder how long I have to go without to be considered a virgin again? ;o)

6/16 - An acquaintance of mine, an old client of Don's, lost her husband today. He died from a heart attack right in front of her, only 48 years old. My heart just broke for her when I read her post on my message board. I knew exactly what she was feeling, the agony, the disbelief, the feeling of being in a nightmare you can't wake up from. Wishing you were dead as well. I sent her my phone number and I talked with her this evening, trying to give her some comfort and advice from my experience. As I heard the anguish in her voice I remembered all too well being in the same place just one year ago. But as I reached out to her, it finally brought home to me just how far I've come. I've made it to the other side. I've seen the bottom of the abyss, and I've clawed my way back out. I don't know that there's anything more devastating on this earth than losing your spouse, your soul mate, your other half, the father of your children, the one you were meant to grow old with. At least for me there isn't. When Don was alive, I told him once with tears in my eyes that there was nothing that I feared more than losing him. Nothing. And... well, here I am. Ok, I admit, I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for the kids, but that doesn't take away from the fact that I had to make it through my own personal hell this past year. No one should ever have to hold their baby up to a wooden urn on the mantel so daddy can see how big his son is getting. No one should ever have to save answering machine messages so their little girl will know what daddy's voice sounded like. No one should have to cobble together family pictures in photoshop with angel wings on daddy's back. It's just a hard, hard road to travel. But I did it. I'm doing it. I can't say I'm having fun like I was when Donny was alive, but I can hope that maybe one day I'll find that sort of happiness again. Something to look forward to, eh? Hope is a good thing. It's something that was in pretty short supply a year ago, I'll tell ya that much!

6/12 - Petco wouldn't give me a refund on the angelfish because I didn't bring the dead fish in with my receipt. I should go back in with a breaded fish stick and say "Luckily you caught me just before I ate it. Now gimme my money back!" Grrrr!

6/11 - If there is a god, I can't say that I appreciate his sense of humor. The angel fish died. Now Catty's standing in front of the fish tank saying, "Mommy, where's daddy's fish?" Well Catty, it's dead, just like your daddy. Funny, really funny. >:o(

6/10 - I've spent the last couple weeks dreading this day, but the actual day wasn't so bad. I've got my kids with me, and they don't know this day is different from any other - they just want to have fun with mommy like always! So we did! I made us all a big, gooey cheese omelette (Don's favorite) and then we played in a big bubble bath together, and then we had a pretend picnic with Catty's super huge tea party set. After that, we went to Petco to look at all the animals, which both kids love doing. I wound up buying a bigger fish tank (I went from 20-gallon to 29 gallon) with all the snazzy accessories LOL - yes I am a dork and I love my fish! And I also bought one special little fish to mark today. An angel fish. :o)

6/01 - So my lovely friend Amy flew in from NYC to spend some time with me and photographing my kiddos. We had a really good time together! The laws of women say I should hate her because she is cuter, younger, thinner, and quite possibly smarter than me, but she is SOOOOO sweet and fun to hang with! (click here for the evidence that Amy is a girl after my own heart!) And my kids adore her! Catty says, "Amy a princess!" Awwww!! So after taking Amy around town to show her the sights, we spent a lot of time geeking out in front of our computers. Amy brought along lights and cameras to shoot some of the best-ever pics of Devin and Catty. Using her awesome photos, I was able to whip up a new signature file image for myself. Thanks babe! Love ya! And now... I'm going off to be sad for a while. The one-year anniversary of my husband's death is getting really close now, and unlike the idiot conspiracy theorists on the net have predicted, my husband hasn't come out of the wooden urn on my mantel. He's still quite dead, and I still miss him very, very much.

5/13 - I filed a legal name change for BabyD, so he's got a real name now! I couldn't bring myself to call him Don. He's not Don, he never will be Don, and it made me want to start crying every time a random stranger would say, "Oh he's so cute, what's his name?". So I went back to the original name that Don and I had picked out for him - Devin D'Artagnan Lemmon. The Devin was a tribute to Devin Devasquez, who introduced Don and me (yes she's a girl, but the name works for guys and girls, so we were ok with that). Plus Devin's a beautiful superstar, who wouldn't want to be named after her? Hehe! The D'Artagnan (dar-TAN-yan) is after the 4th Musketeer, the youngest, boldest, and most skilled of them all. A dashing, romantic name that I have always loved! I know Don is cool with the name change, wherever he is, because we had already decided on this name instead of Donald Edward Lemmon III in the first place. It's a little weird trying to get used to calling BabyD Devin now, so I'm kinda easing into it by calling him BabyDev. But the poor kid might be stuck with Catty calling him BabyD even when he's 30 LOL! Hey, you wanna see the cutest pics in the world? Bud and I got these framed and hung up on my computer room wall as a Mother's Day present for me. I love them!!! One, Two, Three, Four, Five!

4/29 - Just have to share my laugh of the day - I was web-surfing today and wound up at I tried to register so I could see who they had, and they wouldn't let me register! I tried to sign up using the name I've lived by for almost 15 years now, Asia Carrera. But I kept getting an error - "PLEASE ENTER A LEGITIMATE NAME". OMG I am laughing so hard! They've got my name on some list of "phony names" I guess! How funny is that?? Well I sent them an email from my domain asking why I can't sign up using my own name, so I am eagerly awaiting their response. Hehehe!

p.s. While I was depressed for the last 2 weeks or so, I didn't answer emails. And I get a LOT of emails every day. By the 4th or 5th day of lying in bed and being miserable I started to avoid my mailbox because I knew I didn't have the energy or motivation to answer all the emails that were getting backed up. I do read all the emails as they come in because I read very quickly, but I kept procrastinating on answering them, figuring I would do it when I felt better. But as the days kept passing and I was still too depressed to do much of anything, my mailbox got more and more backed up. I finally just deleted them all to take the pressure off myself, because I will NEVER find the time to respond to that huge backlog of emails with two little kids to take care of! Please don't take it personally, I DID read them all, but I was just too crippled by depression to respond. I will try harder to stay on top of my email duties now that I am feeling better. Thank you for your understanding!!

4/28 - If I ever write my autobiography (don't hold your breath) I should call it "Beating the Odds". Because that's what I've been doing all my life! Ok, first of all, I was born a half-breed. Not so odd, but when that makes you the only minority in your school, yeah that kinda sucks, trust me. Then I wound up winning more accolades and academic honors than anyone in my school, including National Merit Scholar (reserved for the top 1/2 of 1% of SAT scores in America). Again, not so strange, everyone has some geeks in their school. But how many of them were teenage runaways who were living on their own at 17 and still making honor roll while hitching rides to school from two towns away every day? Then I decided to pack up a suitcase and move to L.A. from all the way across the country, just me and a big white teddy bear. Girls all over America do this every day with stars in their eyes - but how many of them actually become famous? (How infamous am I? Well my website is currently ranked 58,000 out of 11,000,000 sites on the net by, putting me in the top 0.5% of all trafficked sites on the web. And I've been retired for three years now.) Ok, now how many pornstars can you name that not only lasted over 10 years in pornoland, but retired sane, happy, and looking better than when they started? (here's a photo from my first-ever photo shoot in 1994 and one from my last-ever photo shoot in 2004) Moving on to more recent times, how many mommas do you know who lost their husband while they were pregnant with his child. Ugh, I hope you don't know any, but my condolences if you do! :o( And finally, how many women do you know who delivered their baby at home, ALL BY THEMSELF?? (and WHY did I not get the front page of for this, when there are always stories of mothers giving birth with their hubby driving the car, or the policeman helping, and I did it ALL ALONE! Bleah!) Ok, while I do think I have a pretty neat resume, I have to say I am DONE beating the odds. The only odds I want to beat now are raising the two smartest and most beautiful children that a single mom ever raised. Check back in 17 years or so, and see if I don't! My motto has always been "I can do anything if I just work hard enough"! And if you can't tell by this post, yeah, I've got my game on again. I'm feeling good, I'm feeling strong. Watch out world! :o)

4/23 - After another long and crappy week, things are finally starting to go back to normal again. It doesn't help that it's been so rainy and windy here that I haven't been able to go hiking for over a week now. Hiking is my therapy, my natural endorphin-high, the way I start each day off on a happy note. Take that away from me... and I spend the whole day in bed. No reason to get up. Catty goes to daycare, BabyD stays in bed with me all day, nursing and playing with the toys I have all around the bed for him. Pretty pathetic how I low get without my exercise fix! Hopefully the weather will stop being so bad now!! Not much more to add to this bulletin, because like I said, I spent most of the week in bed being depressed. But I am feeling better now. I got a hike in today, and I'm feeling pretty chipper :o)

4/15 - I thought I was on the road to being all better?!? But this last week has been so hard! Catty keeps mentioning Daddy all the time now! She does the sign language for Daddy; she asks for him, she sets toys aside for him, she kisses the pictures on his urn all by herself. This morning I woke up to his driver's license on my pillow because Catty went through his fanny pack while I was sleeping in. It was a like a sucker punch to the stomach to wake up to that. God, will this pain never end? I'm so tired of hurting, I just want to beat my head into a wall until my brains fall out and I can't feel pain anymore. Ugh, I've been hurting for so long now, doesn't it ever stop?!?! How many nights can I spend crying over Donny's urn, saying "Why Donny, why??" and "Please come home daddy, please come home" before I lose my mind?? I'm sorry for the pity party, I just thought I was getting better, and now it seems like I've backtracked so much in the last week. Don't know what else to say. I'm sure tomorrow will be better. It has to be. Thanks for letting me vent.

4/10 - Ok the question everyone wants to know the answer to... "Asia, what are you doing with the insurance money???" No, I'm not gambling again, never never never!!! No, I haven't bought anything fun except a $90 pair of hiking sandals for summer. No, I'm not going to do ANYTHING stupid with the money! I paid off the house. My used Jeep was already paid off. The rest is being invested, and the kids and I will live off of 1/2 the interest. The other half will be reinvested to hopefully outpace inflation. Now if you crunch numbers on any amount of money, you will find that living on 1/2 of the potential interest is NOT a huge bonanza, no matter how large the initial lump sum may seem. So the kids and I will be living quite modestly. But that's ok. The kids are small, they don't want for anything, and I enjoy hiking, being outdoors, and things that don't cost any money. I've NEVER been one to wear makeup, get dressed up, or waste money on silly fripperies even when Don was alive, but now that he's gone, I REALLY can't see the point to wasting money on any of that crap. Nothing material appeals to me when I would gladly throw it all away to have my husband back, y'know? I had a dream about Don last night. It felt so good to put my arms around him one more time and bury my face in his neck and just hold him. I didn't even cry when I woke up. I was just happy to be able to hold him again. :o)

3/27 - Because I am socially phobic, I never answer the phone. I have the machine set to pick up immediately. And no one ever calls because they know I won't pick up. So we'll get maybe one sales call a month. Today I'm lying in bed nursing the kiddos, and the phone rings. Catty pops off the boob and yells, "PHONE!" which is cute because I've never heard her do that. Must have learned that at daycare. Then the answering machine picks up, and Don's voice says, "Hi, you have reached Don and Asia, we can't come to the phone right now..." And Catty pops off the boob again and shouts, "That's DADDY!!" OMG, I bawled when she said that, and I'm bawling again now as I type this. She hasn't heard Daddy's voice in almost a year. Can you imagine a 2 year-old child remembering somebody BY VOICE ALONE that they haven't seen or heard from in almost a YEAR?!? Isn't that AMAZING??? I just had to share that. I truly thought Catty had forgotten Daddy by now except for the pictures I show her. Not so. She still loves her Daddy. And I love her.

3/18 - If you didn't get to see my appearance on E! for whatever reasons, you can view it online in streaming video. There's two parts to it, here's Part ONE and here's Part TWO. Meanwhile, I really am doing well with the healing process, mentally. I really feel like I'm 90-95% better than I was 9 months ago. Now that I have closure with the E! story and the insurance money, I can finally put up the last of the walls in my mind to keep myself from feeling the pain anymore. I'm enjoying my kids, feeling good about our future, and I am waking up each day with a smile. I've also managed to kick away the crutches I was leaning on during the roughest times; the Zoloft "happy pills" and alcohol have been purged from my life. (I'm not proud of myself for turning to those things, but at least I managed to clean up my act within a few months, so yay me!) All in all, I feel really good. Mentally and physically. Next up... now that I'm financially secure, I'm going to sell off the rest of my Asia merchandise, and then... probably take my site down. UGH. It hurts to say that - you know this site has been my baby for over ten years now! - but I've got to give my kids their anonymity. I need to back away from being famous so my kids can grow up without being ostracized by their peers for who their mommy was. But don't panic, it'll probably take me a good year to sell off everything in my "porn room". So we've got some time yet! ;o)

3/11 - Have you ever fantasized about what you would do if you won the lottery? Sure you have - we all have! And it's a lot of fun, I know! But now... add a twist - kill off the one person you love most in this world, and THEN win the lottery. Hmmm... If you loved that person even close to as much as I loved Don, it's just no fun anymore, is it. I'm sitting here right this minute with enough money that I never have to work again. Which is awesome, of course; it beats the f!?k out of having to work at WalMart for minimum wage... BUT!!! And I say this with tears in my eyes... I would gladly give back every cent in my bank account times 10 if I could have my husband back. Or whatever amount you name, I would work so hard for the rest of my my life, I swear it... There is no amount of money on this planet worth having your beautiful children grow up without ever having known their daddy. I don't know what else to say. I guess my husband gave his life to see us made financially secure, but that's B.S. I want my husband back. ***CRY CRY CRY***

3/10 - Thank you E! You did a nice job on my segment.

3/09 - The life insurance policy went through. I came home to find a FedEx envelope informing me of the new account that has been set up in my name. I won't ever have to go back to porn or stand on a street corner begging for money or do anything but be the best mommy I can be to my two little babies. I am just bawling like a bitch all over my keyboard. Thank you everyone who kept us in their thoughts and supported me in so many different ways during this unimaginably difficult year. Finally I can look to a future with hope for me and my little ones!

3/05 - My loyal assistant dictator "me2" came out to help us celebrate Catty turning TWO! (Catty's trying to show us how many she is now, but it looks more like the Vulcan greeting sign LOL!) Catty had a great day, she got to pick her own breakfast (chocolate peanut butter and spray cheese, yum!) and then we went to the playground, then she opened presents! Score!! Catty also got a cute little ATV - hang on tight BabyD!! One of the neat things about having me2 here is that I get some pics of me interacting with my kiddos! I can't believe I'm even going to show you this next picture - I can't believe me2 TOOK IT! Grrrr!! He took a picture of how I sleep and both kids manage to nurse at the same time without even waking me up. I guess it's cool to have for posterity, but still... grrr... (warning: there is a breast larger than the state of Idaho in this picture) Here. Ok, so that's how I juggle two kids at night. You've already seen how I handle feeding two kids WHILE working at my computer. What else? My latest trick - here's how I go hiking with both kids! ONE and TWO. So where do I go to collect my award for "Mother of the Year", dangit? 'Cause I FINALLY feel like I'm getting my act together over here, and I'm PROUD! Yay ME!! :o)

2/21 - I was just reading a message board online where mommas were sharing what song they played at their wedding. I don't know why I even read it, I've never had a wedding with music played at it. But I clicked anyway, and it was a bunch of songs I'd never heard of, until I saw "Come What May" from Moulin Rouge. Oh... that song takes my breath away! Immediately I had to do a search online until I could listen to it, and I found it on youtube and listened to it again and again... it took me back... back to when I was a sexy single pornstar at the top of my game... I used to drive to work with the top off my Corvette, sunglasses on, and "Come What May" blaring out of my CD player. I'd be singing along at the top of my happy lungs with the wind blowing through my hair... it seems like a lifetime ago, so far away!! But it was only 4 years ago. One year before I met Donny. How I wish I could go back! I'm sitting here blubbering like a fool now... Sure, I thought my life had problems back then (come on, doesn't everyone?) but now I look back and I want to slap myself upside the head and shout, "You idiot! You had EVERYTHING! You didn't know what troubles were!" *sigh*... You know that saying, "It's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all?" Well this is just my lousy opinion, but don't believe the hype. I've done a million interviews where they asked "If you could go back in time, what would you have done differently?" and I always said, "Nothing! All the hard times in my life have led me to where I am today, and I'm very happy with who I am today." Well NOW, for the first time in my life, I will say that if I had a time machine, I would go back and NOT have met my husband Don. Yes, you read that correctly. The time I spent with Don was so wonderful, the best of my life, without a doubt! I adored him!! But the pain of having him ripped away from me... good god I could never go through this again. And if Don is watching from somewhere up above, I know he understands what I'm saying. He could never stand to see me in pain, and the last 8 months have just been a hell on earth I would never wish on anyone. The ecstasy of being with my true love for 2.5 years is not worth enduring the agony of being without him for the rest of my life. There, I've said it. I'm just speaking from the heart! So what about my kids, you ask? I adore my kids. You KNOW I do, you can see it in every post I make how much I love them. But the truth is, I never wanted to be a mother until I met Don. I had no interest in being a single parent. It wasn't until I met Don that I felt like I had found my life partner, the solid foundation on which to build a family. If I had known he would be gone before the second kid was even born... well dang. This is not the way I had planned things, not at all! *another sigh* Well, it is what it is. I pick myself up every day and carry on. I do the best I can by my two beautiful children. But I do wanna kick Don in the butt for being a sperm donor and then skipping out of town! **shaking fist up at the sky** You owe me a WHOLE LOT OF DIAPER DUTY, BUDDY!!! A WHOLE LOT!!!

2/9 - OMG!! I am SO UPSET!!! My E! show has been pulled from the schedule!! Less than 24 hours before airtime! OMG they SUCK!! I know lots of you saw it, I posted the link to E!'s schedule and I was right there, the very first show listed, and now I'm GONE!!! NOWHERE TO BE FOUND!! How can they keep doing this to me?? This show is just ratings to them, it means nothing to them at the end of the day, but this is my LIFE!! It's like a knife in the heart for me just to talk about it, and all I want to do is put it behind me so I can heal and move forward, BUT IT JUST WON'T END!!! You know, I knew something was up when I got an email from the executive producer that made it pretty clear they were still editing my show three days before airtime - just yesterday I gave them permission to use a quote that my ex-husband Bud gave them. I thought that was pretty strange, but I did assume they would still have their act together by showtime. Well obviously they couldn't get my show done in time and now I've been bumped. Again. I'm sorry everyone, but I'm over it, I'm done with it. The hell with E! I don't care when the show airs or if it ever does. I need to not hear about it anymore because I can't go on forever having my heart ripped out of me every time I think about it! If you guys manage to find out when it airs, and you watch it, that's cool. But I will not be keeping tabs on it or updating anyone about it any further. I hope you all understand. I need to find some sort of closure with this whole story about Don so I can work on healing and being a good mommy to my babies. I don't mean to sound like a bitch, but I am sitting here with tears rolling down my face as I type this. I hope and pray that Don's life insurance policy comes through because I never want to sell my soul to the press again!!! (p.s. I did not get paid one penny to do the E! show. I did it because it would bring traffic to my site, and hopefully website sales. That's all.)

2/7 - For the small percentage of you who know what a "coprolite" is, you will probably find this post interesting. The rest of you will wind up learning more than you ever wanted to know about fossilized dinosaur poop LOL!! So as I do every day, I drove out into the endless desert, and I found a new place to explore - a gorgeous deep canyon that seemed to go on forever! With BabyD strapped to my chest and snoring away, mama clambered over giant boulders while inspecting them for fossil imprints Then about a mile into the canyon, I saw a rock with funny shapes embedded into the surface. I'd never seen anything like it before, on this hike, or any other! Here it is, with some of my tools in the foreground for perspective. Yes, I do think I found a boulder embedded with tons of coprolites! What I recall one of my fossil books saying was "Coprolites are fairly common, but often go unrecognized and uncollected. If it looks like what you think it is, it probably is; but kick it with your boot to make sure it's a fossil before picking it up". Well I'm no expert, but have you ever seen anything shaped like this that WASN'T POOP?? I mean c'mon, you can see where the ends got tapered off and even splatted a little when it hit the mud! Yummy! I tapped it suspiciously with my rock hammer, expecting it to crumble to dust or go 'squish' or something, but no, they are ROCKS! PETRIFIED! FOSSILIZED DINO DUNG! LOTS OF IT! And now you're saying "Uh-huh...and your point is??" Well there are actually scientists who study coprolites to learn more about the dinosaurs eating and digestive habits. They study the turds under microscopes and find out all sorts of neat stuff. I don't think I'm quite ready for THAT yet, LOL, but if you know of any fossil geeks in Southern Utah/Northern AZ or NV who do study or collect coprolites, I will let them know where they can find my special rock ;o). Ok, if you made it all the way through this post, I will reward you with a little vid clip I shot of me and BabyD out in the canyon today. Enjoy! :o)

EDITED TO ADD: I have just received tentative confirmation from a geologist and a coprolite collector that it does indeed look like I may have discovered a bonafide "Carrera Coprolite Site"! Yippee! I found million-year-old dinosaur poops!! Next up - my own dinosaur! Stay tuned...

2/4 - Less than a week until the E! special airs, provided they don't move it again! I'm nervous. No I'm not. Yes I am! LOL! I'm a little bit curious to see it, but I don't think it would do me any favors mentally to relive any of it, so I'm just gonna skip it. I'll have me2 copy it for me in case the kids want to watch it one day when they get older. Oh, I got a lot of responses on what my "weird bone" was, but I don't feel any closer to knowing the answer LOL - every single answer was different! "Deer femur", "goat lower leg", "mammal ulna", "radius bone", "lower leg/tibia", "young antelope", "fox/coyote", "humerus/upper arm", "leg bone". Ok then... LOL!! I do thank you all for responding though! In other news, I've decided it is no longer a comforting thought when people tell me that "Don is looking down on you all the time from up above". Ummm... how about if I'm picking my nose or pulling a wedgy out of my buttcrack? Is there a way to turn OFF the "view from heaven" option? Because it also occurred to me that all my dead friends and family would be up there looking down too, probably lined up on bleachers sitting next to God and Jesus, and I find this a little unnerving! I mean really, do you want your aunt and uncle looking down on you taking a big dump first thing in the morning? How about Gramma and Grampa watching you have sex? Or even worse, clucking in disdain as you do a little *ahem* solo-lovin', polishing the old pork-sword, as it were? All of a sudden I find atheism to be a big relief - otherwise I think I would have started painting all my ceilings with lead so I could get a little privacy around here! Hehehe!! ;o

1/22 - I still have good days and bad days, but I guess that's to be expected. I had a particularly bad day after I saw the E! Channel previews one and two. Those little snippets were more than enough to bring everything flooding back to me, all the memories I try very hard to keep locked down as tightly as Don's urn. After I watched those promos, I felt a need to go talk to Don for a little bit, and I stood in front of his urn holding BabyD up, so he could see how big and handsome his son was getting. Then I completely lost it and spent most of the rest of the day bawling on the kitchen floor. I'm sitting here crying now as I type this. The pain is still there, it's always there, but most days I'm good at blocking it out and forging a new life for myself that doesn't require dealing with people. I enjoy my quiet time exploring in the desert with BabyD very much; it's definitely the highlight of my day. Here's the latest addition to my skull collection, a tiny chipmunk! And I brought this bone home too, even though it's not a skull, because I thought it was funny in a "Fred Flintstone" sort of way! :o) Yes, welcome to life in the desert, where shotguns, ATVs, and skull collecting seem to be the activities of choice! While deep down in a ravine searching for fossils, I stumbled across a cavern where a large owl was hiding out. The owl took off for a nearby tree to keep an eye on me while I made my way up to his dwelling to see what I could find. I found this one very unique looking bone, and I'm curious if any of my geeky friends out there can identify what animal or even what part of the body this bone might have come from? One and Two! It appears to be a joint of some sort, but it's so carefully sculpted, it almost looks man-made! I'm guessing maybe the owl brought home one of the giant jackrabbits we have around here, but perhaps the owl was sharing the cavern with another predator who brought home something I've not even seen yet. Heck, I didn't even know we had owls around here until I started exploring deep ravines a week or so ago! Any ideas? Tell me2 and he'll pass it along to me! Thanks! :o)

1/10/07 - Hi guys, sorry it's been so long since I've updated. LOL, it's kinda like the old days, where if I didn't update for 4-5 days I would get panicky emails, "Are you ok? Are you ok??". Yes, I'm ok! Happily, I can promise you now that I am well on the road to recovery, so if I'm away for too long, it's because I'm out having fun! But wait - let me define "fun" before you think I'm out pulling a Britney Spears and leaving my poor kids at home to fend for themselves LOL!! (Ok, I think you all know me better than that, but I'm dying to tell you what I've been up to anyway!!) During the weekday afternoons Catty goes to daycare to play with all her little friends (yes I had some guilt about that, but she loves it, and mommy has a lot to do at home while she's gone, so I'm glad it all works out!) Anyway, right after I drop Catty off at daycare, I zoom off into the desert with BabyD to enjoy my "me time" before I have to come home and do chores, pay bills, fill web orders, answer emails, mow the lawn, clean the house, etc. etc. et al... SO! My "me time" in the desert for the past few months has been hiking. I LOVE being able to explore where no one has been before, and out in the Utah desert there's PLENTY of that! So after I got tired of checking out what Mother Nature had to offer (oh yes, I took that picture in person!) and then building up my skull collection, I decided it was time to move onto the next step. Paleontology! Yes, I am going to become a fossil hunter! Well dang, I'm out here marching around in the desert 5 days a week anyway, why not take advantage of it, right? So I ordered some books about rocks and fossils in Utah, and I'm happy to report I've already found some fossils! Ok, they're not dinosaur bones; they're just stupid old mollusks, but considering I live out in the freakin' desert, a bazillion miles from any oceans, I think mollusk fossils are pretty cool! Here's one,and two, and three! I know they're not great fossil finds, but they're my first, so I'm excited! Anyone who has hunted fossils in Utah or Arizona or desert areas and has experience and tips to give me, I'm all ears! Ok now wait a minute - you'll have to email my assistant dictator me2 and if he thinks your email is something I'll want to read, he'll forward it onto me! Ok finally, my E! special is tentatively scheduled to air Monday, Feb 12 at 10:30 pm, but it's been re-scheduled once already, so that may change. I'll let you know if I find anything else out!

12/28 - Ironically I made it through the holidays ok, they were no big deal at all for me. Now I'm falling apart because little BabyD is starting to hit his milestones; he's still only 4 months old, but he's sitting up and standing, and he's so cute, but why isn't his daddy here to see these things? Donny would be so proud of his boy, his son who looks just like him, I wish he could have met his son just once, held him in his arms just once... I'm still working on the life insurance thing. That's another nightmare. They're launching an investigation because I'm filing less than year after we signed up... you know, maybe I shot the wheels of the Jeep out from 150 miles away with my death ray because I WANTED to lose my husband while I was 8 months pregnant... *sigh*... I know it's just their policy, but why does everything have to be so flippin' HARD??? I've been sitting here all night trying to fill out all the documents and affadavits and forms they want, and it's so hard to figure out what they want when I'm crying too hard to read. I never actually read Don's death certificates before. I just shoved them in a drawer when I got them. But the insurance company wants to know what the death certificate says, so now I learned Don died from "Injury due to blunt force motor vehicle trauma". I have this lovely image now of Don's head all over the... yeah, you know what I'm picturing. It's a visual I would DEARLY love to delete, but I can't... I don't know how I'm going to sleep tonight. I wish I wish I wish I could just get one hug from Don... I could really use a hug right now, but of course I'm all alone as usual. Well if that which does not kill us really makes us stronger, I should be approaching the level of "superhero", because some days are just so damn hard to get through... you really can't imagine unless you've been through it. The pain just goes on, and on, and on... I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Ok, sorry for the "poor me" rant, but I actually feel a bit better after getting all that out, so thanks for listening. :*)

P.S. If you're bored, you can read a newspaper story about a secret porn shoppe that got busted here in Utah. They came to me for commentary, my stuff's at the bottom.

12/17 - I've said it before, but I'll say it again - me2 rocks! He's out here visiting for the weekend, and he brought us a little Christmas tree and put decorations on it and presents under it and everything! I was going to be a total grinch this Xmas, but thanks to me2, the kids got a tree and presents anyway! Thanks me2! (the other neat thing about me2 visiting is that I get to see what I look like interacting with my kids, because I don't see that except when he's here to take pics of us! So anyway, we're celebrating Xmas a little early at Asia's, but it's better then not at all! In other news, my email has been down for several days now, and not only that, I hear it's been bouncing emails as if I've personally rejected them. It ain't so! It's a server problem and they're working on it, but meanwhile, I apologize for the bounced mails, and I assure you there's no need to get paranoid that I've suddenly started hating you LOL! And finally, just because I'm a proud momma, here's BabyD trying his first ever solid food, and some very cool pics of BabyD the paleontologist! I took those pics during one of my hikes out in the desert - I think he'll really dig those pics when he gets older!

12/07 - I was thinking to myself while hiking with BabyD today, about how wonderful it is that this life insurance policy on Don turned up like a winning lottery ticket, and how weird it was that I STILL can't remember writing that check or filling out the paperwork! (which I'm sure I did, as I always did that sort of thing for us) I have no explanation why there's a complete blank when I try to remember buying that policy... but you know what? It dawned on me today that my "amnesia" is actually the closest thing to a miracle I think I've ever experienced. Because I realized that IF I HAD KNOWN about this policy when Don died, I am almost positive I WOULD NOT BE HERE TODAY. There are no words for how deep my despair was in the weeks after his death. I was prepared to give babyD to my friends to raise, because I didn't feel up to the task. I just wanted to die, I was so devastated. The ONLY thing that kept me from going to be with Donny was that I couldn't walk away from Catty, leaving her with no family and no money. But if I had known about a life insurance policy at that time, I would have probably sent Catty to live with her aunt & uncle on Donny's side, sent BabyD to my friends, and sent half the insurance money to each family and then gone to be with my husband. I actually turned down a sweet offer from a fan who wanted to buy life insurance for me on behalf of the kids, because I was afraid it would be too tempting to off myself and leave the kids financially provided for. The only thing that kept me going day after day was the belief that without me, Catty would have nothing at all, so it was my duty to fend for her even though I was sure life would never hold any joy for me ever again. As the weeks turned into months, I started to heal, I worked on bettering myself instead of self-destructing, I fell in love with my little boy, and I found out that I can do a pretty good job of solo mothering these two kids even if I do say so myself. And just as I really started believing that yes, I can do this, all by myself, this life insurance policy appears like a rainbow from heaven. And now I fully appreciate it for the blessing it is, which I wouldn't have done 6 months ago! Weird how things work out sometimes, huh? As an atheist, I have to say this must just be an amazing cosmic coincidence, but if you're on good terms with God, tell him the kids and I say thanks! ;o)

12/06 - I was going to wait on this update until I actually had something concrete to tell you, but I can't wait!!! Hang tight, this is gonna be a long one... Ok, first off, I just need to thank everyone again who donated money and giftcards and thoughtful items to help me through the last 6 months. Those gifts helped more than you can imagine, as I got hit with the debts Don left behind, plus THREE emergency room visits and TWO cat surgeries, plus Don's cremation/death expenses... It would have been very, very rough indeed without your help, and I am forever grateful. Things only started to get a little tight financially this month; I got some "2nd notices" on a few bills, but I was hanging tight until the E! special aired in January because I figured that would bring extra traffic and sales and everything would be cool again. Ok... now last month I got a bill from some insurance company I'd never heard of, saying it was "time to renew your policy". It looked like they were talking about life insurance, which made no sense to me; I figured it was either junk mail or some crappy policy you get with a credit card or something, so I tossed it onto my desk to look at later and forgot about it. Yesterday I got another bill from them, saying my "grace period" would soon be up and this policy would be expired, requiring another physical and re-application for the insured party. WTF were they talking about?? I had no clue. I dug up the checkbook records from last year and there it was... "Nov. 7 - Life Insurance" Oh. My. God. I swear on the life of my kids that I do not remember writing this check, but there it was in my checkbook record. It was written right when I found out I was pregnant with BabyD, so I must have just decided in a giddy glow to take care of it myself since Don was strapped for cash at the time (the entry right underneath "Life Insurance" was "Money Loaned to Don", so I did remember THAT part right!) Well, after waiting a whole sleepless night for 6am when the company opened up on the East Coast this morning, I called up and begged them to tell me this policy was good, not expired, that this dream was actually REAL!!! They said yes the policy was still valid, yes it was still in the "grace period", I had called just in time, and they would probably take the late premium out of the payout to keep the policy active while they filed my claim... and that's all I know right now. They wouldn't tell me how much it was for, citing their "privacy policy", but they said paperwork is on its way to me in 10-12 days. I've spent the whole day laughing and crying and just hoping with every fiber of my being that this is real, that this is going to happen for me and the kids! Please please please let this be real!!! I don't care how much it's for, whatever it is, it's more than I had 5 minutes ago, and I will be grateful for it!! And I would gladly give it all up times ten, plus my house and car and everything I own to have my husband back, but since no one can grant me THAT wish, at least let THIS one be granted! Please! Please!! Think good thoughts for me!!! THANK YOU!!! p.s. It was also important to me that I let you all know this news right away because I don't want anyone to make any more donations to me while this is pending. I would never in a million years want to take advantage of the generosity of my fans! But you can still bid on the Playstation3, since that is only just nearing the going rate on ebay anyway! ;o)

12/04/07 - Just a quick update to say all is well, but I have a to-do list a mile long and I'm scrambling to catch up! Answer emails, open snail mails, send thank you emails, fill web orders, mail orders, pay bills, update bulletin... ok, at least I don't feel like a bad mom sending Catty to the sitter's when I actually get work done while she's gone! (plus Catty likes going to the sitter's because there's a bunch of other little kids there her age who are always happy to see her). BabyD always stays with me, he's a really easy baby, so I can work around him without too much trouble. Ok two things... my gratuitous low-fat cottage-cheese and broccoli quiche picture inspired a lot of requests for the recipe (not sure if it was the presentation or the quiche that they liked LOL!) so here it is as it was sent to me (thanks Bill!). It was very easy to make, but I had to cook it about 15 minutes longer than it said, and I think I would use more oil than just 3tbs in the crust next time. In other news, the XXX version of my Poker Chips have been released. I have a set myself, they are really nice quality. Ok, that's all for now, checking "update bulletin" off the to-do list! Off to go fill some web orders...

Bulletin archives back to just before Don died