Gosh, another MTV Video Music Awards! Tonight is the night when millions of music fans hit the couch to bury a Thursday night’s worth of brain cells in a Zima coffin, watching famous people in silly pants. Awesome! It’s always one of the year’s hottest TV parties. Except last year, when Diddy hosted. Or the year before, when nobody hosted. But hey, we’re rooting for the show this year. Why? Just because.
But first, for reference . . .
suck (suhk) verb. [[Middle English suken, from Old English sucan]] 1: to draw (as liquid) into the mouth through a suction force produced by movements of the lips and tongue. 2: to draw by or as if by suction. 3: to take in or consume as if by exerting a suction force. 4 (slang): to be objectionable or inadequate.
7:42 PM: That definition of “suck” is already changing! And the show hasn’t even started yet! For the pre-show, we’ve got Fergie on the red carpet, doing “London Bridge.” Nice bladder control! John Norris interviews the other Black Eyed Peas about her performance. “It symbolized a lot,” Will.I.Am. tells him. Sure did, Will.
Paris Hilton is wearing white bike shorts under a tutu. It’s gonna be that kind of night.
My Chemical Romance are on top of a building performing “Bohemian Rhapsody.” No, wait, it’s “November Rain.” Uh, the entire second disc of Smashing Pumpkins’ Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness? What the hell is this? A choir of kids dressed up as skeletons? Gerard Way tells Gideon Yago the song is about a guy named Rapacia who “examines his own mortality.” Uh huh. I need another Zima.