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Pandora

Pandora: Pall Mall's bad day in Basra

Smoke and the crump of mortars drift from Pall Mall on the warm evening river breeze, following the eruption of Iraq-style hostilities at the customarily sedate Oxford and Cambridge Club. An awards ceremony to promote peace in the Middle East descended into unhelpful fist-throwing when the final gong, for "cutting edge" journalism from the region, went to a female Iraqi hack flown in especially from Basra. "The bloke presenting was Iraqi and starting arguing with someone in the audience," says Pandora's lass in the pearl necklace. "He called him a thug and a murderer because of a past association with Saddam's regime. The guest did not take this sitting down, it went right off. The host had to wind things up over the marquise au chocolat before blows landed."

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Pandora: Beauty and the Labour beasts

Thursday, 8 May 2008

Dirty tricks! That's the cry from the camp of Miss Great Britain – the buxom Gemma Garret, 26 – who, as Pandora disclosed recently, is fighting the parliamentary seat of Crewe and Nantwich which became vacant following the death of the Labour MP Gwyneth Dunwoody.

Pandora: Jack and the typewriter

Wednesday, 7 May 2008

Now boys, be nice. We have a new member of the parliamentary typing pool. Check out those cute buckled kitten heels, the foxy silk tights, such delicate pins... Why! It's the Rt Hon Jack Straw!

Pandora: Cor blimey! A proper cockney wake

Tuesday, 6 May 2008

The forthcoming funeral to recently departed tailor to the stars Dougie Hayward should be a lively affair. A service for Hayward, who counted the likes of Michael Caine and Roger Moore as clients, is being held at Mayfair's Church of the Immaculate Conception on May 15. His daughter Polly says she's planning a traditional send-off.

Pandora: Daylight robbery

Monday, 5 May 2008

The billionaire Topshop potentate Sir Philip Green repeatedly falls victim to petty personal theft when interviewing potential employees for his fashion store. Speaking at this year's World Retail Congress in Barcelona, Sir Phil claimed that as well as "walking" his stores every day to observe action at the tills, he personally interrogates wannabe buyers. Rather than wading through CVs, Green sets them a task worthy of the Parable of the Talents. To separate the wicked and slothful servants from the good and faithful, he drops a ball of cash on the table and tells them to go out and buy "what's missing in my shops".

Pandora: Cantona silences squawkers

Friday, 2 May 2008

Since hanging up his boots in 1997, the philosophising French fruitcake Eric Cantona has employed his charisma in the field of acting. Who can forget his part as a 16th-century French Ambassador in the Cate Blanchett-led Elizabeth? Eric had one line, telling the Queen's suitor, the Duc d'Anjou: "She is a woman, Sire. They say one thing but mean another. No man can unlock their secrets." There have since been minor movies and ads.

Pandora: What the butler didn't see

Thursday, 1 May 2008

Will the troublemaker who is going around saying that leftie pin-up economist Will Hutton has a butler please desist? There is talk that the former newspaper editor, now chief exec of the Work Foundation think-tank (more employee satisfaction means higher productivity), has his door answered by a Jeeves-like fellow in tails. There would be no shame in that: the old school gentleman's gentleman has returned to the sculleries of high society, particularly for occasional party nights, to ferry trays and seat guests.

Pandora: Dave gets shirty over order to undress

Wednesday, 30 April 2008

This month's edition of the men's magazine GQ carries a 22-page photoshoot by David Bailey, featuring the nation's leading political movers. The Foreign Secretary David Miliband – spotted at the weekend vainly trying to coax his three-year-old son back on to his bicycle – stares steely-eyed from the glossy pages, flecks of grey in his hair. The small print reveals that Miliband, the son of a Marxist theorist, wore a £495 Hackett suit, a £69 Hugo Boss tie – and a Marks & Spencer shirt. Truly a man of the people!

Pandora: Vaz-a-voom!

Tuesday, 29 April 2008

Poor old Tory squillionaire Lord Laidlaw, 65, was exposed by Sunday's News Of The World as a Viagra-chomping sex addict. The exposé is notable for three things: the first documented instance of the phrase "trilingual bisexual"; Laidlaw's stamina; and the fella's plan to give £1m of his £730m fortune to a relevant charity.

Pandora: A single serving for Mr Freud

Monday, 28 April 2008

Despite Lucian Freud's reputation as Britain's most celebrated portrait painter, the reclusive artist prefers to keep himself to himself. Still, diners at The Wolseley restaurant were surprised to see Freud eating alone at the chic Piccadilly eatery last week.

Pandora: George sings Billy's praises (like Dave)

Friday, 25 April 2008

Billy Bragg has found an unlikely fan in George Osborne. The former left-wing firebrand and the Shadow Chancellor both appeared as guests on Andrew Marr's Sunday AM show last weekend. Once the cameras stopped rolling, the pair exchanged pleasantries about Bragg's song "A New England".

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