Martin Lawrence; Kari Byron; and
PLUS: Bode Miller; George W.
Bush Foreign Policy Expert; A Top Ten List; New Rules of the
NFL; Alan Kalters Million Dollar Idea Stolen; and
Dave is blue. Dave is
glum. Dave is not happy. He had a horrible weekend experience.
His Colts, his beloved Colts of Indianapolis, lost
this weekend to the Pittsburgh Steelers, 21-18.
Indianapolis never was in the Super Bowl. When the Baltimore
Colts moved to Indianapolis some years ago, their chances
improved greatly. Now they have a fine organization and have
been on the cusp of the big game for a few years now. So
excited was Dave that he hints, but doesn't admit, that he went
out and got some chips and dip for Sunday's game. It wasn't a
football party, but it was the closest thing he will ever have
to a football party at his house. It was a brutal game for a
fan to watch. As the game developed, Dave thought, "The
Colts don't have a chance." And then suddenly, just like
that, you thought, "Wait! They do have a chance. And
then, 'they don't have a chance.' And then it was 'But they do
have a chance.' And then 'no chance.' And then again they do
have a chance." Dave says he's a heart patient and
doesn't need this type of anxiety. Yeesh, On the bright
side, Dave says at least now Peyton and
Eli can watch the Super Bowl together.
Dave had an odd dream last night. He dreamed he was
doing his last and final LATE SHOW. Of course he wanted
everything to be perfect. Dave wanted to go out like a
champion. He wanted to use the exact words to reveal his
feelings and thoughts. He was thanking CBS, the staff, the
crew. . . . and then suddenly, updated baseball scores started
to appear at the bottom of the screen. The Control Room put up
Angels 20; Tigers 0. Dave bolted down to the Control Room and
demanded to know why a meaningless score from an Angels/Tiger
game would appear on the screen.
So if you're keeping
score at home, Dave is hinting he will retire somewhere between
April and October; year to be determined.
bitterly cold here in New York City the last few days and
tonight we have our own Biff Henderson outside to
tell us just how cold it is. Biff and our weather chart let us
know that it is currently 26 degrees in New York City. Imagine
that! 26 degrees in NYC in the middle of January! Alert the
media! What will Biff be doing tonight? He'll be watching
water freeze! Biff has a glass of water ¾ full. The
current temperature of the water: room temperature. If the room
is the Ed Sullivan Theater, it should freeze in no time. We
watch for a few seconds but so far, no freezing is taking place.
Last week on 60 Minutes, Olympic athlete
Bode Miller admitted to skiing while drunk. His
comments have caused quite an uproar. We look at an
"Bode Miller's admission of skiing drunk has landed him on
the cover of 'Time' and 'Newsweek.' Well, if doing your job
drunk is newsworthy, I should be on the cover every damn
(photo of Bush)
"George W. Bush - Ridin' the Silver
BUSH FOREIGN POLICY EXPERT: From a recent press
conference. Our President: "Germany is a really important
country. It's right in the heart of Europe."
Dave has some of new rule changes the NFL will
implement this coming season.
- if a
helmet is knocked off during the game, the player must go the
remainder of the game without a helmet.
the game, prior to the 2-minute warning will be a less stern
- if two players on opposite
teams have control of the ball, possession goes to the player
with the higher uniform number.
That's just some of
the new rules for the upcoming season. Paul wonders aloud,
"Who's Les Stern?"
I laughed, as I wondered
about the wording as well.
Some more rule changes,
some Dave may have mentioned, some perhaps he didnt.
I didnt keep a list.
- A huddle may
include as many as 40 players.
quarterback receives the silver dollar from the opening coin
- In addition to plays, quarterback helmet
earpieces may also receive traffic and weather on the ones.
(local 1010-WINS news radio radio joke)
optional for players over 350 pounds
billboarding Martin Lawrences new movie,
Big Mommas House 2. He shows a photo of
Martin Lawrence dressed as Big Momma from the first film. Dave
was very impressed with the makeup and transformation Martin
Lawrence went through to achieve the appearance of Big Momma.
As Dave continues to laud the project, we hear off-camera Mr.
Kalter blurt, Son of a bitch! We see that
the angry Alan is dressed in his own Big
Momma get-up. Dave asks why he is dressed like
ALAN: Oh, like
youve never heard of my famous character Fat Momma
Kalter? Ive spent every weekend since 1982 cramming
my nuts into this fat suit for casinos and cruise lines all over
the world. And now this hump rips off my masterpiece for some
lowbrow piece of Hollywood garbage? Ill be he stole
my catchphrase, Fat Momma is feeling sassy
tonight! Well, you tell that jackass hell
be hearing from my lawyer!
Kalter then storms out. Hopes he gets over it.
TOP TEN: Reasons Saddam Husseins Chief
#10. Wants to spend
more time with his goat.
#6. Lost faith in
everything after finding out Oprahs Book Club is
#2. Conflict of interest
he also enjoys eating Doritos in his underpants.
from commercial, we see the glass of water sitting by
Biffs feet. Through the glass, we can see refraction
taking place. Maybe it wasnt refraction, but my
mentioning refraction reminds me of a story.
And now my refraction story. I was a first semester
freshman in college. I was oblivious to the world around me;
my only knowledge pertaining to the Yankees and beer. I was a
happy naïve lad of 18, not wanting to bother anyone,
not wanting to be bothered. The only question my brain asked
was, Wanna play? With that mentality, I
found myself sitting in a Philosophy 101 class. I was either
nursing a hangover or itching to create one, or both. Up front
was a female professor droning on about something.
Half-listening and half-watching, I noticed she was calling on
students to give their opinion on a topic. The topic: How do we
know that the world around us is actually there? How do we know
our senses are not lying to us?
She then gives the example of refraction; the appearance of a
pencil in a glass of water seemingly to be broken. Yes, the
pencil looks broken, our sense of sight tells us so, but it
actually isnt. How do we know life around us right
now is also not what it seems? How do we know our senses are
not lying to us? To this day I thank the Lord for the
professor not calling on me. I may have dropped out of college
right then and there if she had.
LAWRENCE: From the film, Big Mommas House
2. It opens January 27th. The conversation with Martin
quickly turns to his history of dabbling in the
herb, which he no longer does. He admits
to smoking the Mary Jane through his 30s. How did the abuse
manifest itself? Martin says he would find himself getting
dressed in the kitchen, or wearing bowling shoes to a wedding
because he might want to go bowling right after the vows. He
says he knew it was time to give up the stuff when he started
pulling cops over and asking them for identification.
Martin is the very happy dad of three beautiful girls and admits
to being a disciplinarian. And he started the discipline even
before the baby is born. He would talk to them while they were
still in the stomach. He wanted them to be familiar to the
sound of his voice right from the get-go. Dave relates a story
told to him by Harry Connick. Harry told Dave
that as a father of a boy, he (Dave) has to worry about only 1
boy. Harry, a father of girls, has to worry about EVERY boy.
Martin laughs an understanding laugh, then gets real nervous.
As did I.
We see a clip from Martins
Big Mommas House 2 of a little boy
belly-flopping off the top bunk onto the bedroom floor. He does
this all the time just for kicks. Depending on the rating, I
may take my girls to see Big Momma. It looks funny.
KARI BYRON: Shes from the Discovery
Channels Mythbusters. Dave says there
are 3 shows on the Discovery Channel: American
Chopper, Monster Garage and
Mythbusters. Every other show on that channel
consists of what people are building in Holland.
Karis been on Mythbusters for 2 of the 4
years the program has been on. She got the job by showing up
every day even though she wasnt a part of the staff.
She was willing to do anything and everything. Eventually she
was hired for her butt. They used her to prove or disprove the
myth of a heavyset woman getting stuck on the toilet of a plane.
A woman flushed while sitting on the pot which resulted in a
vacuum seal around her ample derriere. She then could not get
up. She was stuck. Mythbusters wanted to find if
this was possible and chose Karis posterior for
posterity. They took a mold of the hind-quarters and did the
test. Result: Its a myth. Couldnt happen.
Didnt happen. So ladies and gentlemen, if
youre unable to see whats behind you, feel
free to flush while seated. You have nothing to fear.
Prior to Mythbusters, Kari worked as a martini
taster/tester. Hired by a liquor company, she would work
undercover by going to bars and ordering up a martini. She
would then report back to the liquor company whether the
bartender was making the martini up to snuff.
Kari, Can you believe I get paid for this?!
And I predict that will be the title of her autobiography she
will soon write. She doesnt know it yet, but she
Mythbusters on the
Discovery Channel, Wednesdays at 9:00.
5: And now its time for a LATE SHOW Al
Qaeda Update. The LATE SHOW congratulates Al Qaeda #2 man,
Ayman al Zawahiri on his narrow escape from a missile attack
over the weekend. You win our Lucky Militant of the Week
prize: a Black & Decker Electric Hedge Trimmer. To claim
your prize, stop by U.S. Military Headquarters in Kandahar!
This has been a Late show Al Qaeda Update. Thanks for
watching, and keep it real! BRB!
MATISYAHU: From his CD, Live at
Stubbs, Matisyahu performed King
Without a Crown. Google
Matisyahu for an interesting back story.
And that was our show for Monday, January 16,
I missed out on
Saturdays NFL playoff games, instead celebrating my
sister-in-laws 50th birthday with 23 others in a
limousine bus to NYC for dinner. Now thats the way
to spend a Saturday afternoon and evening. Good fun, good
drinks, good friends, good drinks. Thankfully, no one had a
video camera. Happy Birthday, Eileen.
From the January 9th, 2006 Wahoo Gazette,
regarding the CBS coverage of Bengals quarterback
Carson Palmer getting injured on his 2nd offensive
play of the game last week:
official, I'm the only one who is bothered by the stuff I see on
sports TV. I think what the networks show during the telecast
is so incredibly annoying and stupid at times, but no one else
seems to thinks so. . . . except maybe for Phil Mushnick of the
New York Post. So I'm watching the Bengals/Pittsburgh Steelers
playoff game. The 2nd offensive play for the Cincinnati Bengals
is a long completed pass play. Big gain. Unfortunately, Bengal
quarterback Carson Palmer gets hit on the play and is on the
ground in pain. It doesn't look good. The 2nd play and the
Bengals star player is down on the ground hurt. This changes
everything. Their whole season is lying on the ground.
Everything the Bengals have worked for since July is now in
question. Without Carson Palmer, the Cincinnati Bengals are a
much different team. This is a BIG story. How bad is he
injured? Can he walk it off, or is the injury bad enough to
finish him for the game, or the season? This is a huge story
and CBS is right there to show it unfold right before our eyes.
Or at least I thought CBS would be right there. Right at this
moment, CBS takes the opportunity to go away to show us a bed of
commercials. WHY? Nothing is more compelling at this moment
than the injury to the Bengals most important player. This is
incredibly gripping television. Nobody at home at this moment
got up to make a sandwich. Everyone was glued to see how this
story would unfold. But no. CBS decides to go to commercial
with Carson Palmer still on the ground. It is the story of the
playoffs and CBS is there LIVE . . . but decides to leave the
scene to sell some beer and automobiles. CBS had the whole game
to make good on their commitment to their advertisers . . . why
did they have to go away now? I was screaming at the TV, and
I'm neither a Bengal fan nor a Steeler fan. I'm just a sports
fan who can recognize a story as it happens. But the next day,
I read nothing about the commercial break in the newspapers. I
hear nothing about it on the sports radio shows. It's only me.
No one else cares. No one else notices. I don't get it.
And from todays New
York Post, sports scribe Phil Mushnick
opened his column this way:
2006 -- BEST Seat In The House Blues, Again, Mama: Last weekend,
CBS took The Story of the Game Bengals star QB Carson
Palmer was down and not getting up after his second play from
scrimmage and bolted, as if The Story of the Game was
no big deal. Ahhh,
isnt that great? I knew Phil Mushnick would see it
the way I saw it. Im sure I would have been
screaming at the TV on Saturday, too, if I had seen the game.
Two minutes of commercials and network
promos later, CBS returned us in time to see Palmer being carted
away. We never even got to see where and how he was loaded into
that cart. This past Saturday, one week later, almost to the
minute, it was, Hello, darkness, my old friend, Take 2.
In the first quarter of Skins-Seahawks, NFL MVP Shaun Alexander
went down and wasn't getting up. Fox, which had just spent much
of its pre-game show telling us Alexander is the moon, the stars
and the sun, then bolted for two minutes of commercials.
When we were returned, we saw Alexander on the bench, still
kinda out of it. How did he get to there? Did he crawl? Was he
helped? Did he call a cab? Apparently, it was none of our
Oh, and if FOX is going to show us the family of
Pittsburgh Steeler Jerome Bettis in the stands every time he
gains 4 or more yards, then show us the family after he fumbles
the ball on the 2-yard line and nearly loses the game on could
have been the biggest fumble in NFL history.
Fridays USA Today:
New Jersey has come up with a new state slogan:
Come See For Yourself. The slogan was the top choice
among 11,000 votes cast by residents for 5 final entries. The
contest was launched after Gov. Richard Codey rejected a
marketing companys proposal, Well Win You
Over. Voters rejected Expect the
Unexpected, Love at First Sight,
The Real Deal, and The Best Kept
Secret. Can you tell what bothers me about the
above story? It can be found right there in the article I
reprinted. Read it again and see if you see what I saw.
The winning slogans author,
transit agency worker Jeffrey Antman, won two tickets to a New
Jersey Nets or Devils game, and a two-night stay at a golf
resort in New Jersey, of course.
What does the author of the winning slogan get?
Two tickets to a New Jersey Nets OR a Devils
game. OR! OR! You mean the guy cant
get both? OR? Jiminy crickets. OR! Sorry, you
have to choose either the Nets or the Devils. You
cant have both. Forget that the whole
winning prize is chintzy, but Jersey couldnt come up
with two tickets for each the Devils and the Nets? Come on, New
Jersey. How could that get past your quality control? The
Devils play in front of 7,000 empty seats a night in their
18,000-seat arena and the Nets cant sell out a game
during the NBA Finals.
Oh, I have a few ideas for a
new New Jersey slogan.
New Jersey: Take It
or Leave It.
New Jersey: You
Cant Have Everything
were talking hockey, this too was in the USA
Today. The New York Islanders General Manager
Mike Milbury made this eighth coaching change in
nine years. Ummm, maybe the problem is with the guy doing the
Why I wish the Colts had won: The outrage
over the 4th quarter Polamalu interception reversal
to incomplete would have been incredible and tremendously
entertaining. And the stories told of The
Fumble would have lived on forever. The most
disappointed man following Roethlisbergs
tackle of Nick Harper was Joe Pisarcik.