Just what we need, another frickin’ super hero. This one’s “Fusion Man,” and check out the slideshow. I guess he has an okay act, if you’re impressed by a macho hunk soaring majestically over the Alps in a rocket suit, nothing below him but miles of blue sky. But I worry that all the good super personas have been taken, leaving nothing for guys like me.

I need something just a little safer, so I’m trademarking my own super character, “Airport Moving Sidewalk Man!” Picture the scene:

“Someone PLEASE help me! Ruffians have grabbed my duty-free Chivas Regal!”

“Fear not, gentle lady! “Airport Moving Sidewalk Man” is on their trail!”

“But they’re running, and you’re barely moving on that sidewalk! You’re an imbecile!”

“No need to thank me, ma’am, just doing what’s right…”

Related post: I’m Toothache Man! You know the drill!

Former professional Swiss military pilot Yves Rossy, also known as “Fusionman,” soars in the sky like a rocketeer in the southern Swiss Alps near Bex May 14, 2008. REUTERS/Denis Balibouse

This company keeps trying to design bras that do something extra. You may remember their chopstick bra or their shopping bag bra or their get-out-the-vote bra. The new designs never generate anything other than free publicity, which duh, I guess is the point.

So this time it’s a solar panel bra which can recharge your cell phone or iPod. Of course, the bra needs to be exposed to light in order to work, and a chick walking around outdoors in an exposed brassière may have more serious problems than a dead phone battery.

And that’s not even to mention what happens when GUYS start walking around in giant man-bras to charge THEIR phones!

Video report…

Related post: Doc Jocks: what’s wrong with YOU?

A model displays lingerie maker Triumph International Japan’s “Photovoltaic-Powered Bra” during an unveiling in Tokyo May 14, 2008. REUTERS/Yuriko Nakao

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The tills are alive, with the sound of money,
The tourists will pay, for our souvenirs,
Their cash fills our tills, with the sound of mon-ney
Room service, bring us a doz-zen beers!

It turns out the original Sound of Music family home is being turned into a hotel, or you might say a von tourist von Trapp… You can sleep there, you can get married in the family chapel, or eat a few of your favorite things in the dining room.

This could be the start of a movie hotel theme trend. We could see the No Country for Old Men Hotel.  Dine in our Friendo Cafe. Locked out of your guest room? No problem! Bellhop Anton will be up to pop the lock for you!

Or maybe you prefer the There Will be Blood Bed and Breakfast? Enjoy dinner in the Plainview Restaurant. Drink your milkshake before Daniel does! Nah, maybe not.

Related post: Sound of Music sequel: Nun With A Gun!

Hotel director Marianne Dorfer stands in front of Villa Trapp, the original Sound of Music family home, in Salzburg May 13, 2008. REUTERS/photo Leonhard Foeger

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Blog Guy,

My boyfriend says the hottest new thing is zombie comedy clubs. Is this true?

Yes. Just because they’re zombies doesn’t mean they don’t want to be entertained. Indeed, modern zombies make up the largest single demographic for reality TV shows.

If you decide to go to a zombie club, some things to remember:

• If you see people lurching, don’t say “Geez, are THEY hammered!” They probably aren’t.
• Don’t make smalltalk about sucking blood. That’s a whole different group of creeps.
• Zombie humor can be tedious. The punchline to every joke is “And then I ate their brains!”
• Whatever you do, DON’T order the house chili!

More posts about Zombies

Members of laughter clubs participate in rally to commemorate  “World Laughter Day” in Chandigarh, India, May 4, 2008.  REUTERS/Ajay Verma

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Blog Guy, I’m intrigued by your reports on what life is like where they don’t have cable television. You’ve shown singing dingos, a mobile sauna and worse. What a sad existence!

I’ve been holding back a bit, but I may as well take the lid off. In some deprived places they compensate for a lack of TV by racing furniture. We’ve had credible reports of people racing beds and chairs, sometimes while listening to OOMPAH music.

My God! It’s worse than I ever imagined! Make it stop! It gets even worse. In both reports, people actually showed up to spectate. 

To spit?

No, that would be expectorate. They went to be spectators, to cheer the people racing furniture. And that’s where no cable television leads.

A participant speeds down a street during the first German office chair racing championship in the village of Bad Koenig-Zell, April 26, 2008.  REUTERS/Kai Pfaffenbach

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If you enjoy cruel practical jokes, and who doesn’t, you should head for China. Here’s why. They seem  obsessed with posture over there, to the point of inflicting pain on those who don’t stand up straight enough.

We’ve had recent photos of several bizarre posture-control gimmicks, and now we have guys with needles in their collars, poised to stick themselves if they lower their head.

That’s where the chance for annoying jokes comes in. Get yourself a phrase book and learn to say, “Hey needle-neck, your shoelace is untied! Then, when the poor dude instinctively bends over to tie his lace, hilarity ensues! Let me know how it goes.

Posture-related posts: I am NOT Spartacus! and I guess we’re playing stud?

Needles ensure correct posture during training at base in Shenyang,  China, May 6, 2008. REUTERS/ Stringer

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Yeah, Commander, we have a spectacular show for the graduation ceremony. You won’t believe it!

We take a volunteer up in a helicopter, see, and drop him out. The crowd goes nuts! Then, at the last possible second, a motorcycle zooms out of nowhere and tries to catch him!

Huh? Success rate? Are you stupid? That’s a real tough trick! We’ve never actually caught him, but we’ve come pretty danged close a couple of times. This could be our lucky day!

Related: That’s sumpthin’ you don’t see at every race…

A graduating policeman gives an acrobatic presentation during graduation ceremony in Baghdad, May 8, 2008. REUTERS/ Mahmoud Raouf Mahmoud

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Blog Guy, I know you like to stop being obnoxious every so often and show a soft side, with cute animal pictures and stuff like that. How about doing something nice for Mothers Day, so I can e-mail it to my mom instead of buying a card?

Well, maybe just this once. In fact, I tucked away this wonderful photo back in March, with exactly this occasion in mind. But don’t worry, the Express Train to Hell will stop here bright and early on Monday, as usual.

More cute animal babies and moms

A newborn baby orangutan rests in the arms of its mother Mona at the zoo in Aalborg March 18, 2008. REUTERS/Scanpix/Henning Bagger

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Blog Guy, I’ve always wanted to see a whole bunch of people cramming mangoes in their mouth as fast as they can. Can you do anything for me?

That’s easy. Our researchers quickly came up with 43 seconds of a mango-eating contest where the winner walks off with a box of mangoes.

Wow, thanks! I guess I should have made it harder. What I really want is folks at a tango in Durango playing bingo and feeding mangoes to dingos.

Sure. Give me until Tuesday, I’ll throw in Ringo playing a bongo in the Congo.

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Playboy founder Hugh Hefner, overcome with emotion, pockets a coveted Anachronism Award given to him at a Playboy Mansion party honoring Playboy’s new Playmate of the Year.

Yes, they really still have one of those, and we moved TWENTY photos of the event, including some showing the winner leaning against her prize, a shiny new red Cadillac. Yes, they still have those, too.

Hef is seen here at the party with his great grand-daughter…oops, no, the caption says it’s his girlfriend! Anyway, after the party everybody went home to read some Playboy articles. Yes, they still have those.

Philippines Playboy, sent in a Manila wrapper?

Hugh Hefner, founder of Playboy magazine and girlfriend, Holly Madison, attend a party honoring the 2008 Playboy Playmate of the Year, at the Playboy Mansion in Los Angeles, May 8, 2008. REUTERS/Fred Prouser

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