Charlie Wrigley wrote this in the early morning:
You know what? I don’t feel like going in to work today! Maybe I’m sick. Maybe I have a hangover. Maybe I don’t feel like sitting in traffic on I93 for half the day. Maybe the thought of going in to that office today makes me feel sick and hung over. That’s it… I’m calling my boss Rick to tell him he won’t be seeing my sexy face in the office today. I advise you to do the same. Maybe we can hit up the Plazahhh together and grab a banana smoothie with an energy boost shot; I don’t know, we’ll play it by ear. On that rather thin premise here is a list of 25 original ways to call in sick and throw that asshole boss of yours a curveball in the process.
25. Call-in singing the immortal words of Foreigner with a falsetto voice: “I’m hot blooded, check it and see, I’ve got a fever of a hundred and three.”
24. Hey Rick I’ve got a nasty cold. Say, is your wife sick? Huh, that’s weird she is the only one that I exchanged bodily fluids with this past weekend… No, no nothing like that, we just kissed a little and she gave me a handy for like two minutes. No big deal.
23. Sorry Rick I can’t make it in today, my car is in the shop. Yeah, I’m getting sick rims put on. They’re sick Rick, sick.
22. No way Rick not today. The office cleaning girls and I were up all night and most of the morning pounding tequila and eating Quaaludes. Guadalupe and I are gonna take a little siesta now, know what I mean Rick?
21. I’m so embarrassed Rick. I shit the bed last night. I’m telling you this because you’re my best friend. I feel like I could tell you anything. Now tell me a secret Rick. Tell me.
20. I’m cataloging all of my VHS cassettes of Meredith Baxter Birney’s movies of the week. She is so sexy Rick, agreed?
19. I can’t find my pager… Well what if someone wants to buy some of my hashish Rick? No, no, I better stay close to home in case someone is looking to score.
18. Not today Rick, I’m playing Frisbee with the neighbors kids. K thru 5 has a half day.
17. Rick, my pet llama took a huge dump all over the carpet, furniture and ceiling. It’s going to take me all day, maybe most of tomorrow to clean this mess up. Rick, you knew I had a pet llama when you hired me! It’s said “have a pet Llama” right on my resume.
16. I’m training my voice for my American Idol audition. Fuck you Rick! I have talent, you’ll see. The whole world will see.
15. The wife says I gotta lay down some new mulch in the yard. If you want to tell we don’t need new mulch Rick, be my guest, be my guest.
14. Sorry Rick, I’ve had a hard-on all morning and I can’t get rid of it. I think it might have something to do with that new Pope. He has been in my dreams all month Rick. All month. Stupid sexy Benedict.
13. The Blue Collar Comedy Tour has an all day marathon on Comedy Central, Rick. All fucking day! Hilarity is spelled F-O-X-W-O-R-T-H-Y git ‘r done!
12. I have to drive my mom to get a colonoscopy. I know this is the fourth one this month Rick, what can I say? She loves them.
11. I’m taking a bus full of retards to “make your own pizza day” at Papa Gino’s.
10. I have to stay home and finish this fiber optic lighting system. Yeah, it’s gonna be great, I’m doing a whole constellation thing, wait ’til you see it Rick!
9. I volunteered to observe a hysterectomy, I’ve had this marked on the calendar for months Rick.
8. I can’t make it in today Rick, I am avenging my step-brother Angelo’s murder. Wish me luck!
7. The old lady cut up all of my ties. What a bitch! And all because she found out I love that sit-com Joey. Either that or the fact that she caught me in our bed with a hooker. Who can really tell what sets ‘em off huh Rick?
6. Emeril is doing a show on lasagna Wouldn’t miss it if you paid me. Yeah Rick I know I have Tivo, but what if some asshole talks about it before I get to watch it? Then what? The whole experience is ruined.
5. I have my book of the month club tonight, and I haven’t even gotten past the first seven pages of my Barely Legal that we are all going to discuss. Do you know how embarrassing it is if you haven’t read the whole thing? Of course you do, you have only one testicle.
4. I have to get all of my hubcaps rotated Rick - Mechanics orders! I know, I should have just got those sick rims I wanted.
3. I have decided to finally get that circumcision that I have had my eye on and I’ve finally saved enough to have it done. I love pain and suffering Rick, that’s why I am always so happy in our three hour Monday morning meetings that start at eight a.m.!
2. Fuck you Rick that’s why!
1. My magic eight ball said that the outlook for me coming in today, “did not look good” - and I don’t mess with the eight ball.
Filed under: Today in Boston
1 Comment
