Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is...

not very good.

You do not know how hard it is for me to say that, I wanted to like it so bad. I am still trying to convince myself that what I saw was a quality Indiana Jones movie. It had its moments but... sigh. More later when I collect my thoughts and stop cursing the name of George Lucas.

Updated:

I wrote that paragraph above at about 4:00 AM and now that I got some sleep I can share a few thoughts. I may have been a bit kind saying this movie is just "not very good", it teeters dangerously as "just plain bad". I was excited but my expectations were very low, there is a difference. Plus I saw this in one of the best environments possible, The Ziegfeld with 1500 fellow excited Indy fans. All I was hoping was The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was half as good as Temple of Doom or Last Crusade. Let's say on a scale of 1 to 10 that Raiders is a 10, Temple is a 7.5 and Last Crusade is a 7 (yes, I even like Temple of Doom!). Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is a solid 3.

I do not want to get too involved in explaining the plot but let me just say I really have no idea what this movie was about and major plot points just disappear, the story about the Crystal Skulls is just plain ludicrous. For those of you that want to argue by saying "is it any more ludicrous than three magic stones in India?" On the surface, no. But the three stones in Temple were such a small part of the story, Indy went after the stones because the Thugee clan was enslaving children. This is in contrast to Crystal Skull where those stupid Crystal Skulls have everything to do with the plot and they keep risking their lives for reasons I can not explain to you if I tried.

Another thing, Indiana Jones is a superhero now. In other words nothing can kill him, not even a fucking nuclear bomb going off about 100 yards away from him. If anyone thinks the scene in Temple is bad where he jumps out of an airplane on a life raft and survives, just wait. There are at least five things that happen to Indy in this movie that would kill anyone, and I am not just talking about examples as rudimentary as just the act of being punched in the face about 100 times, I mean situations that no human should survive (did I mention the fucking nuclear bomb going off?).

I truly believe Ford and Spielberg did the best could with this mess of a script. Lucas has been pushing this stupid idea of his since the early 1990's that Spielberg and Ford always hated. Well they both realized unless Lucas got his way this movie would never get made and relented. Do you realize a few years ago Lucas turned down Frank Darabont's script, he rejected Frank "Shawshank Redemption" Darabont's script for this turd?!?!?

Did I like anything? Yes. Harrison has not been this good in a movie in 15 years. He had some legitimately good scenes with Karen Allen as Marion. Shia was actually fine. The story is just crap and there is way to much CGI which is a surprise considering Spielberg swore there was hardly any.

Here is one last example, this is not a spoiler in any way. During the big chase scene through the jungle (you may have seen this in the trailer), Shia's character Mutt gets knocked off a vehicle by a branch and some vines. So what do you think happens next? Of course in about 10 seconds Mutt makes friends with a clan of monkeys in the tree and then proceeds to lead the monkeys, while swinging like Tarzan from vine to vine, in an attack on the Russian bad guys. Swinging from vine to vine! He caught up to vehicles traveling at high speeds by swinging from vine to vine leading a pack of monkeys. Do I need to repeat this sentence again?

Finally, after 19 Years!!!! Midnight can not come fast enough...

The Seven Best Harrison Ford Movies

I am about ready to piss my pants in anticipation for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Thursday morning at 12:00 AM can not arrive fast enough. I can tell you that I was quite pleased when I was assigned the task of ranking the seven best Harrison Ford movies of all time for Starpulse. Agree? Disagree? Please voice your opinion, remember that comments on Starpulse are HIGHLY appreciated.

Harrison Ford is, without question, one of the biggest box office stars of all time. With the release of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull on Thursday it couldn't be a better time to take a look back on the seven best movies of Ford's career. We purposely left the Star Wars trilogy off the list considering those are not really "Harrison Ford movies" and quite an entity unto themselves. Plus, we do not need every movie on this list being a "Star Wars" or "Indiana Jones" movie. At times we do like to be challenged.

Once a surefire box office success, lately it has been a little tough to be a Harrison Ford fan (Hollywood Homicide, anyone?). Paint-by-the-numbers action movies and behind-the-scene quarrels with co-stars have plagued recent Ford movies. (Though it was nice to see Harrison and Brad Pitt set aside their differences and agree to be in Jimmy Kimmel's "I'm Fucking Ben Affleck" together after so much discourse on the set of The Devil's Own.) Regardless, Indiana Jones is back and this brings us all back to a time when Harrison Ford was king. READ MORE

Tuesday Morning HIMYM

For this weeks recap you can read the transcripts of last nights live blog. Is she the mother? If not why make such a big deal about the accident in the cab to his future children? So many questions, only five more months until the next episode...
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9:01 - Well, the men men men men manly men song tells me it is time to sign off.

Thanks guys for joining me, this was pretty fun. Perhaps.... just perhaps... we can make this a regular feature next season.

8:59: He gave his girlfriend a Kangaroo. I am not making that up. Pretty solid episode though. Argh, five more months!!!!

8:58: the only thing missing from that abrupt ending was Journey singing Don't Stop Believing

8:58: That's it?!?!?! Will you Marry me????!!!!!

8:57 - What is Ted doing???? What????

8:57 - What was that look Barney just gave? Are we going to see something special????

8:56 - Go get 'er Ted!!!

8:55 - Robin's dog can't fetch now that her dog is a turtle.

8:54 - Yes Bill, you should be happy.

8:52 - and crying, not really a long feud in the end.

8:52 - I think Ted and Barney are making up.

8:50 - Barney ran to west 130th st and ...... ouch.... gets hit by a bus.

8:49 - No thanks Bill. I would not make it, plus right after this I have to write a "Best Seven Harrison Ford Movies" article for Starpulse due tomorrow. Though I might go to my local pub to do so.

8:48 - "we're good" ouch. Seriously, is there a commercial every 3 minutes?

8:47 - I am not really on Ted's side in this argument.

8:46 - "I HAVE LICE!" Miracle!

8:45 - Which of course leads to lice!!!! Ha!

8:44 - I love the tiny hats. Comedy gold for kids.

8:43 - Ted dropped the "L" bomb. Are we sure this is not the mother? Why is Lily dressed like Little Orphan Annie?

8:42: Who is hosting the two and a half men live blog?

8:42: Everyone hanging in there? I see you made it to your local HIMYM bar Wishemewell?

8:40 - See, in the end Barney really cares. Another miracle time..... And Doug Benson from Best Week Ever saves the day. Marshall would love Amsterdam.

8:38 - I am still laughing about the "Miracle"

8:37 - Miracle time!! I just laughed out loud!!!! A pencil in Barney's nose.

8:37 - Where is Kiddie fun land?

8:36 - the sound of Morgan Freeman's voice is always comforting. Even in a VISA commercial

8:34 - already a VAST improvement over last week

8:33 - HA! Ted is fine BA BA BA BA BA BA DA DA DA DA

8:32 - I am with you wishmewell

8:32 - The American Bryan Adams!?!?!? My opinion of Robin has just plummeted.

8:31 - BARNEY TORE UP SPRINGSTEEN TICKETS!!!!!!!

8:30 - 10AM beers. Totally Realistic.

8:30 - Ted!! Take that cab!!!

8:29 - Getting excited, yet sad. This is it for five months.

8:26PM: OK 4 minutes. I just broke out a bud light. I only have two so I need to make these count.

8:24PM: Just watch antique roadshow and pretend it all makes sense.

8:23PM: once they start making more money they will do better with the ladies. I take back what I said about Leonard. Johnny Galecki is almost to the day 11 months younger than me.

8:19PM: And the guy who plays the Leonard character... he was on Rosanne!! Isn't he like 40 by now? Are these guys just out of college? Perhaps not.

8:17PM: Hey Bill! Yes it does suck, but don't you agree it shouldn't?

8:17PM: Hey Quin, really you can't get CBS? It's not like I am telling you to tune into the Spice channel.

8:15PM: HIMYM preview, Ted and Barney in the hospital together. Seems one of them was hit by a bus.

8:14PM: I think I really am alone, in my lonely apartment, on the lonely Upper East Side, on the lonely island of Manhattan. At least my favorite show starts in 17 minutes.

8:12PM: Question: Does anyone like this Big Bang Theory Show? I mean on the surface it appears to be a show I would enjoy because they all like geeky things. Yet for some reason I really don't care for it at all.

8:10PM: OK here we I go.

Something fun for Star Wars fans

In the past six days I have told two separate people about the wonderful book The Secret History of Star Wars. The best thing about this book is it is absolutely free, a five hundred page book downloadable in PDF format. What is it about? You know how these days George Lucas likes to say that all six of his movies were always based on the rise and fall of Anakin Skywalker - this was certainly not always the case. The author uses Lucas' own past interviews to discredit the official story put out by Lucasfilm today. The chapters on The Empire Strikes Back are especially interesting as it documents how Lucas truly hated this film (even though true Star Wars fans agree it is the best acted and well paced of all six films). Seriously, any true Star Wars fan should read this book (again not available in stores, only available by free download).

Those same two separate people both told me (separately!) I should listen to Patton Oswalt's take on the Prequels. I did listen, and I enjoyed it so much I now have to share it with you... but in the end I was sad.

(do not forget, Monday evening at 8:30PM EDT I will be live blogging the How I Met Your Mother season finale)

The 4 train Dancing Machine

Before we begin I have a quick announcement. Due to popular demand one person's request next Monday at 8:30PM EDT I will be live blogging the season finale of How I Met Your Mother. As some of you might recall, the last time I attempted live blogging the experiment lasted seven hours and generated 230 comments. This Monday, considering it will only be for thirty minutes and will not be during work hours, I hope the two or three people that join me (fingers crossed) can generate possibly 2.3 comments this time around.

So last night at the 14th Street Union Square station this man was waiting for the train in front of me obviously enjoying his musical selection as he broke out a fun little dance for the entire ten minute wait for the 4 train. The thing that made it particularly humorous for me was at the time Stand by R.E.M. was playing on my I-Pod and he was dancing perfectly to what was playing in my ears. Is there anyway possible he was listening to Stand by R.E.M. as well?




Stand in the place where you live

























Now face north


























Think about direction
Wonder why you havent before
Now Stand in the place where you work


























Now face west























Your feet are going to be on the ground
Your head is there to move you around,

so stand.

Tuesday Morning HIMYM

For the three of you out there (possibly four now) who care, it is time for another round of GCWOK approved Tuesday Morning How I Met Your Mother. So out of pure curiosity I checked out lilyandmarshallselltheirstuff.com (for no other reason to see if Ted's red cowboy boots were for sale) but the sight seems to be crashed at the time of this writing. Apparently with another Britney appearance people were watching.

First the good news - How I Met Your Mother has been renewed for a fourth season!!! The bad news is this might have been my least favorite episode of the season, and possibly the entire series. In fact I think I laughed out loud more often (twice) during Rules of Engagement than I did tonight during HIMYM (once). The first time Britney Spears appeared on the show a few weeks ago her role was small and the writing was very sharp. In fact that was the same episode Barney lied to Ted about his doctor, who he had a crush on, having a disease where she was only attracted to men with mustaches. A flashback to a year earlier shows Barney announcing a bet - that Ted eagerly accepts - that he could get Ted to grow a mustache.

Unfortunately tonight Spears' role was much more central to the plot. I appreciate the fact that her presence will draw viewrs to a show I love that has time stuggled in the ratings; the sad fact though is Britney. Can't. Act.

I am not trying to dump on someone while they have had a rough few months. It is just unfortunate that all of her scenes were opposite Neal Patrick Harris who is so charming and beams with personality; the contrast was distracting. A few weeks ago we find out someone has been sabotaging Barney as he tries to pick up girls, we now know it was the Britney Spears character and we also know that she is in love with Ted so this means - for better or worse - we are sure to see her again.

The whole subplot involving Barney (NPH) and Abby (Spears) conspiring together that they are in love to show Ted how pathetic he looks when he has a girlfriend made absolutely no sense. Was there any hint that she loved Ted in the first episode she was in? Barney going into McLarens (fun fact - is based on McGee's Pup on 55th street) and putting on this act in front of a friend that "dumped" him was pathetic. I mean Barney has played so many more elaborate schemes on Ted in the past, what was the point of this again? It just seemed so forced and weak.

The plot of Marshall and Lily selling her clothes to pay for the contract work on their new apartment (prompting the real life charity website listed above) and later trying to sell her paintings was... well it was a little boring. The only saving grace was Robin mentioning Ted has items in his closet he never wears prompting Ted to bust out his red cowboy boots for the rest of the episode (prompting me to produce my before mentioned one laugh). Let me get this straight - Lily can not sell her art but after the gay couple without kids (GCWOK) buy a painting and throw it away after learning they only wanted the frame, a veterinarian finds it and hangs it in his office only to discover her painting has a soothing effect on angry dogs. Then he purchases three more paintings without even testing them to see if they have the same calming effect the first one did?!?! Lily paints for veterinarians now full time?!?!

Last week the writers of Two and a Half Men and CSI traded shows. I am only hoping it is announced that the writers of the usually fantastic How I Met Your Mother traded places for this episode with the ones from According to Jim. Then someone will have to tell me when According to Jim is on so I can watch, what will be this week, a well written show.