Cooper Brown

A handsome bald male, Cooper Brown is a 21st century success story. While doing an internship at Paramount in LA some big shots liked the Cooper style and took him under their wing. Now he’s a veteran of the shallow, backstabbing and treacherous movie industry, and he loves it.

Two years ago he moved to London in pursuit of an extremely hot chick called Victoria, who knows everyone who's anyone in London and launched the Coop onto the party scene, which he enjoys with gusto. Also an adviser to the Conservative Party on matters media, he runs a production company, Gonzoballs Inc. His column every Thursday looks at his favourite subject: Cooper Brown, a high-flying Yank making it big in London Town.

Cooper Brown: He's Out There

I ended up at the big party this week – Pete Doherty was there, celebrating his release from jail. How I got there was very complicated, but worth the telling. I'm with Ben in The Electric and we're just laughing hard at a friend of ours who's a top estate agent and has just gone bankrupt.

Recently by Cooper Brown

Cooper Brown: He's Out There

Thursday, 1 May 2008

So we're starting to do the exciting things to do with the wedding – the wedding list. This is a fabulous opportunity to play your friends off against each other to force them to be more generous than each other. Victoria had this really dumb idea of asking them all to give to a chosen charity, but I soon stuck a spear in that balloon. The first thing to go in a credit crunch is charity donations – not my fucking wedding list.

Cooper Brown: He's Out There

Thursday, 24 April 2008

Victoria is starting to give me serious hassle about the amount of time we spend together. Apparently I prefer to go out with other people more and don't "prioritise" her time. Sounds like somebody has been watching too much of that loathsome programme The Wright Stuff again. She is weirdly obsessed with the presenter, the slimy Matthew Wright. God knows why.

Cooper Brown: He's Out There

Thursday, 17 April 2008

Road rage: it's the rare time when you Brits actually get hot under the collar and lose your homosexual inhibitions. I think it's because you think you're all safe in your tiny little tin boxes and can start shouting and honking at everyone and think you're safe – not when the Cooperman is about.

Cooper Brown: He's Out There

Thursday, 10 April 2008

The Himmlers (my in-laws) came up to town this week. This is an increasingly rare thing for these assholes, as they tend to find "modern" life more and more of a strain. Safely ensconced on their Wiltshire estate, they can pretend that it's still 1925 and that they're still in charge of the country.

Cooper Brown: He's Out There

Thursday, 3 April 2008

I got really stressed this week because I was looking after Humboldt-Fog while Victoria spends some "me" time in a top health spa in Thailand. She's gone with the hideous Trinny, and they have a full week of pipes being shoved up their asses all mapped out. One wonders what exactly there is left to take out of Trinny, and Victoria is not far behind, but this is not my concern. Somehow, this is what makes chicks happy – so good luck to them.

Cooper Brown: He's Out There

Thursday, 27 March 2008

The Coopster has been invited to do Question Time on the BBC. I'm only telling you this because I said no. Much as I'd love to go on and bait the idiot crowd that attend, I'm away for the dates they suggested. I love watching those kind of shows over here, where they carefully select the audience so that there is a "fair" and representative balance. What a crock of shit. Life is not fair and balanced, and nor should your TV be.

Cooper Brown: He's Out There

Thursday, 20 March 2008

So my Amy Winehouse movie has finished shooting and we're in the edit almost straight away trying to get the thing together. If there's one thing that I love more than being on set it's being in an edit. On set you can play at being the big movie director and get your Winnebagos and riders and stuff but, at the end of the day, you still have to eat with the crew. And that sucks. In the edit you're left with only the top row of the production and you've fired everyone else so money is less of an issue as it's stopped pouring out of your account and you can start enjoying yourself.

Cooper Brown: He's Out There

Thursday, 13 March 2008

I'm back from visiting Mom in northern California. I hate to say this, but I was almost relieved to get back to the UK. Obviously the weather was totally shitty and everyone behaved like an asshole and it cost me more than a duplex in Laguna Beach to get a cab into London but... it felt like home, and the USA didn't. That doesn't mean that you are better than the USA. Far from it – and don't start getting all excited and up yourselves, going around slapping each other on your fat backs, saying: "Cooper says we're the best. Hooray for us chappies." You're not, you're stillasswipes not fit to clean the USA's shoes. It's just that something here suits me, so I'm staying – forget what I said last week and thank you for all your letters asking me to change my mind. It wasn't because of them, it was me, so don't think that I ever listen to your letters. I don't. I don't even read them.

Cooper Brown: He's Out There

Thursday, 6 March 2008

The Cooperman is back in the good ol' USA. I flew out here two days ago to see Mom and try to arrange stuff with her for the wedding. If I'm being honest I'd prefer she wasn't there for the big day as she's a bit of an embarrassment. But she's my Mom and I've got a fairly decent inheritance to think about - so best play it safe.

Cooper Brown: He's Out There

Thursday, 28 February 2008

I went to a London studio's Oscar party this week. What a waste of time that was. By the time Daniel Gay-Lewis won his Oscar I'd done so much Pablo that I thought I'd won. I started screaming and shouting and gave an impromptu speech to the assembled group of rubbish UK movie execs who couldn't afford a flight to the US. I can't remember much more, but I was apparently thrown out on my ass and some guy who had something to do with Atonement tried to pick a fight but he was then hit by his girlfriend, who was seeing her whole rosy LA future going up in flames as they didn't win a single thing.

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