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How My Wife Ruined GTA IV

We usually don’t write many personal pieces here on TEB, but I just have to share the story of my wife playing GTA IV for the first time. I want to make a couple things clear before I start this absurd story. 1. I love girl gamers. I think its awesome when girls get really into video games and break stereotypes by whooping ass in COD4 or GTA IV multiplayer. I’m not trying to hate on girl gamers. 2. I love my wife and she is very understanding of my video game obsession.

Ok, now that the disclaimer is over, I can proceed with the story.

As of late, much of my time has been spent in the friendly confines of Liberty City, and my wife has been extremely tolerant of my gaming time. Last weekend we were about to go out to eat, so I began shutting the game down when the thought popped in my head, “After watching me play for hours, I wonder if my wife wants a turn?” She was sitting on the couch next to me, so I extended the controller to her and asked, “You wanna drive around for a bit?” She replied, “Sure, why not.” During her time in Liberty City, my wife somehow manage to suck all of the fun out of GTA IV.

I was in some shitty coupe when she took over the wheel, and she began tooling around the city in a leisurely fashion. I mentioned that she might want a slicker ride, and helped her exit the car and attempt to jack another one. She ran up to a car with two homeboys in it and yanked the door open, but that’s when things went horribly wrong. She walked away from the car, and one of the gentlemen came chasing with a baseball bat. In all the excitement, she clicked the left stick sending Niko into a crouch then yelled “Why does my guy keep ducking??” I yelled “Click the left-stick” repeatedly without realizing she would have no idea what that actually meant. Attempting to flee the scene, she crouch-walked down the street only to get whipped some more with by the guy with the bat. Miraculously, somehow she ended up punching the guy several times, knocking him out, and getting his bat. After walking around in circles a few times, it was finally time to leave the scene. As she was leaving, we saw the guy she just beat up limping away. I suggested she finish him off and she said “Awww, that’s not nice, he learned his lesson.” He learned his lesson indeed.

After making it through our first big fight, my wife ran up to a trash dumpster and began repeatedly hitting it with her new baseball bat (because she wanted to swing the bat but hitting people is mean she said). This went on for around 2 minutes before I suggested that she moved on to a different, perhaps more entertaining, activity. She ran over to a huge semi truck and jacked it. I thought to myself “This should be fun, there is no way she is going to be able to drive that around and not get in trouble.” I couldn’t have been more wrong. As the semi began to lumber out of its parking spot my wife exclaimed, “Oooh, you know what will be fun, driving around and obeying all of the traffic rules.” Yeah, because THAT’S what makes GTA IV a great game, obeying all the rules! What the holy hell is wrong here!?!?

My wife played this mind-numbingly boring game of obeying traffic lights for around 5 minutes before accidentally hitting an elderly pedestrian while traveling about 2 miles an hour. My wife gasped and lept from her truck to “check and see if she is ok.” I’m not making this shit up. I asked my wife, “What are you going to do if she is injured…throw her in your semi and take her to the hospital?” to which she replied, “Can you do that in this game?” Sadly…no. (unfortunately, the poor old woman did not make it through the accident.)

After the tragedy of mowing down the old woman, my wife decided driving a semi was a little to much vehicle for her to handle in a safe manner. She jacked a parked car and immediately was pursued by Liberty City’s finest. Amazingly, she was able to escape the grasp of the long arm of the law (I believe she ran some stoplights during the chase.) That may have been a little too much excitement because after fleeing to safety she decided her time in Liberty City was over. She handed the controller back to me, and I immediately began plugging pedestrians with my shotgun because I was full of pent up GTA rage from watching that lame-ass traffic law game. Seeing my murderous rampage, my wife yelled “Stop! Stop! You’re being like that kid from Virginia Tech!” Seriously, I’m not making this shit up. Chalk one up for Jack-fucking-Thompson.

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    Discussion

    74 comments for “How My Wife Ruined GTA IV”

    1. awww flippin hell thank the lord am not married or even close to being married. wa the hell man!? y wer u playin gta wiv ur wife ther in the first place? tryna shoot some early points to get in the sack? but i feel u i really do. imagine having to sit ther wilst someone was playin gta obeyin the law. its lyk a gamers nytmare :o pisstaking torture!

      Posted by Afzal Mussa | May 6, 2008, 5:18 pm
    2. jack thompson, thats too funny ahh *rich*

      Posted by Jayesh | May 6, 2008, 6:23 pm
    3. that is the funniest shit i have read in a while. f*&king hysterical

      Posted by jondoe | May 6, 2008, 6:39 pm
    4. OMFG!!!!LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      Posted by josue | May 6, 2008, 6:49 pm
    5. How did that ever happened?that is so funny.

      Posted by josue | May 6, 2008, 6:50 pm
    6. i think it’s respectable. i think your wife has genuine compassion, unlike most f*ckwads playing GTA IV. i wish more people like your wife existed in the world. it would be such a better place.

      Posted by anonymous | May 6, 2008, 7:21 pm
    7. almost the same with my wife, without any fight. she respected the traffic lights, was driving very slow, excused everytime she pushed people. She doesn’t get the fun of stacking cars with people and blow the all thing with grenades. I wonder why…

      Posted by mimizone | May 6, 2008, 7:21 pm
    8. You should be glad you have an understanding, caring wife. She didn’t hog the game afterwards, ban you from the game afterwards, or even reprimand you for this editorial. I think you may be taking her gentle nature for granted by ridiculing her for not meeting your impossible expectations.

      Posted by noone | May 6, 2008, 7:36 pm
    9. awe thats cute :)

      Posted by nintendoXO | May 6, 2008, 7:37 pm
    10. that was entertaining…. thanks :)

      Posted by Ryan | May 6, 2008, 7:43 pm
    11. LOL!! I’m a girl gamer, but I love to shoot the shit out of everything… I fucking love the GTA Series.

      And yet…. I can relate to you all too well. :P My mother was visiting me at my home one time when I was playing it. And of course, she was commenting on every little thing I did in the game in the almost same fashion your wife did.

      I guess Non-gamers just don’t understand that it’s NOT REALITY, and thus they’re taking it too seriously. And that by taking it too seriously, they suck the fun out of everything. D=

      Posted by Aurora Moon | May 6, 2008, 7:51 pm
    12. Acctually, my wife does like to walk around slowly observing every detail which can be annoying to watch, but what she loves the most is beating people with the baseball bat and mowing people down with a car….
      We laught so hard the first time we played GTA IV because it looks so real… we have a dark humor I guess

      Posted by p | May 6, 2008, 7:51 pm
    13. Post pics of your wife, is she hot?

      Posted by hohoho | May 6, 2008, 7:51 pm
    14. I can’t believe your ridiculing your wife on the internet over a game which is designed TO BE PLAYED THE WAY THE PLAYER WANTS TO PLAY! If she wants to follow the rules and be a morally outstanding citizen in Liberty City, then I applaud her. She’s fresh. If being the good guy is fun for her then you should be happy for her. You self-righteous fucko.

      More people like her in the real world = safer and better place to live.

      Posted by thegreatanon | May 6, 2008, 7:55 pm
    15. Man that was a funny article until you got to the VT part… NOT FUNNY!! and in very poor taste. With this articles ending you are only feeding into the media/game/violence/ bullshit…

      Posted by Prototype | May 6, 2008, 8:10 pm
    16. My girlfriend did the exact same thing. Why would you want to drive around an obey the laws?

      Posted by madcrabs | May 6, 2008, 8:28 pm
    17. Why is playing gta iv like that any different from being the bad guy in fable or oblivion or bioshock (supossing the common thing is you play to be a good guy)? Forget the fact that those games play more or less the same despite the moral choice, it’s exactly the same choice your wife made here. I wont say i didn¡t laff, i found it funny, even though your wife seems to worry too much just for playing a game, but i remember beating my first pedestrian to death in mafia, and their squirming was so real that it stopped me from ever doing it again… i even felt bad for running them over (of course, never a problem on the gtas, their funny graphics made me LAUGH everytime i ran someone over, though the fourth looks very reallistic).. so i really understand how she feels.

      Also, kudos to her (and you) for the “pick wounded persons from the street and drive them to the hospital” mechanic; no i’m not talking the ambulance missions, i’m talking playing GTA like a real good samaritan or hardened vigilante, going around beating thugs, thugs stealing cars (just don’t look at the mirror), thugs driving over people, help the police, obey traffic lights (unless youre driving to save a life.. or end a bad one)… oh, sure, it’s been done on the gtas, but never as REAL options to have your fun. And i ask, why not? more options, more fun (IF they are CORRECTLY developed).

      Posted by fookVGindustry | May 6, 2008, 9:07 pm
    18. I think it’s time your wife learned the difference between video game characters and actual people.

      Posted by Leathersoup | May 6, 2008, 9:27 pm
    19. You realize women don’t usually share the same violent thoughts as men, don’t you? What a man may find fun, a woman might find fun in the exact opposite of it. Why make fun of your wife because she wanted to drive properly in a game? Why make fun of her because she likes to do something you don’t? Just a comment on Aurora’s comment here, but how do you figure that because someone is a non-gamer they do everything wrong? Anyways, Mr. “Jeremy”, leave your wife alone and the general asshole attitude of this article makes me want to cry, seeing what people who play games like this are like. (And no, I would not cry, so shut it people)

      Posted by Sean | May 6, 2008, 11:13 pm
    20. omg dude. that is amazing. mine would do the same exact thing, except i cant get her to pick it up. all she does is play halo and tiger woods.

      Posted by Cheyenne | May 6, 2008, 11:32 pm
    21. lol, I also play the game trying to obey the traffic laws…I don’t take it to the extreme ( after all, you are a criminal ), but when I am driving, I think it’s a tad fun to try and obey the laws. It just makes the game a tad more real if you ask me…however, there are those road rage moments when I have to run somebody the hell off the road. It just has to be done.

      Posted by matt | May 7, 2008, 12:00 am
    22. I think my girl would genuinely be more violent than me… I buy all these PS3 games that are fun and have good co-op and are well… more friendly than gta, and she keeps asking me if I have any good shooting games… girl gamers are great, completely not stereotypical at all, they kick my ass every now or then in games I love…

      Posted by Jamie | May 7, 2008, 5:15 am
    23. Mint, I let my gf try GTA at the weekend, she was more violent than me! Within 2 seconds of handing over the controller she shotgun’ed some guy in the face. At which point I backed out of the room slowly….

      Posted by Ed | May 7, 2008, 7:26 am
    24. LMFAO! Great article… you cannot get upset at your girlfriend, these are the people who should’nt play the game.

      For once they get the taste of killing,espacing the law, ect. They’ll start doing that shit in “Real Life” !!!

      Givin Thompson another notch on his belt.

      Posted by Steven Corbett | May 7, 2008, 8:01 am
    25. […] read more | digg story […]

      Posted by How My Wife Ruined GTA IV « RateVin | May 8, 2008, 1:13 am
    26. You make your wife sound like a mildly retarded second grader.

      Posted by Jim | May 8, 2008, 1:29 am
    27. That sounds like something my wife would have done o_O

      Posted by Stefan | May 8, 2008, 2:06 am
    28. girls+sandbox games = always hot period. Besides dude your a complete tool, just because your wife didn’t do what you and I do in GTA4 (murder everything in sight and get hookers 24/7) doesn’t mean that you need to write a god %$^% article on it. YOUR COMPLETELY MISSING THE FACT THAT YOU GET LAID AT NIGHT. Dude let her play and rub her shoulders (encourage her to do something naughty) she will become aroused (bingo!) take that straight to the bed room. Unless you married a 1 which is a NO-GO double bag that bitch. Have her get you some cereal.

      Posted by Rob | May 8, 2008, 2:44 am
    29. “My girlfriend did the exact same thing. Why would you want to drive around an obey the laws?”

      Escapist fantasy? Maybe she wants to do all those things she never does in real life.

      Posted by rsd | May 8, 2008, 3:10 am
    30. Sounds to me like your wife is the first and only female you’ve ever been with. Women act in manners such as this.

      Posted by Seth | May 8, 2008, 3:33 am
    31. So you are complaining that your wife acts like a woman…

      Get a boyfriend and shut up.

      Posted by Kreisi | May 8, 2008, 4:49 am
    32. I myself don’t think you are actually married, unless your wife is ugly as sin. I am here TRYING to waste time, and I still found that reading that piece of sh*t was a waste of time. I can’t believe you took the time to write it. You for sure must have a very sad boring life. I would guess you are 10 years old reading this article. She RUINED GTA4? Come on. Exagerate much? Seriously. I’m like hmmm, how could you ruin GTA4. Then I read this piece of poop and find out it’s just a boring story about how she played it like my mom would. Who cares. Wait, maybe you’re not 10 years old, I guess maybe you could be fifty, and your wife is really old too. Or just a tool. I am not sure, and don’t really care. Moving on.

      Posted by Fraser | May 8, 2008, 7:10 am
    33. This guy is wrapped way too tightly. It ‘ruined’ it for him because someone else wouldn’t play the way he wanted? Geez, that’s kindergarten stuff. If he really is married he won’t be long.

      Posted by Uzik | May 8, 2008, 7:44 am
    34. that was a good read.

      @Fraser, I can’t believe YOU took the time to write your comment. You must be the bored one.

      Posted by ryan | May 8, 2008, 7:53 am
    35. Divorce her NOW!

      Posted by Williams | May 8, 2008, 7:56 am
    36. Dude that was some fkn funny shit. My ex used to rock at San Andreas and she’d get pissed off and reload the game when i wanted to do a mission. LOL!

      Posted by 0XiDE | May 8, 2008, 8:01 am
    37. Thats pretty funny I ve had similar experiences over the last week with my Fiance however she keeps telling me that I should kill people all the time.
      She had a particular dislike of Michelle but i guess she deserves a good shooting !

      Posted by towlie | May 8, 2008, 8:14 am
    38. At least she tried the game.

      Posted by Tyler | May 8, 2008, 8:21 am
    39. Why did you even offer her to play if you were just going to make fun of her for playing it?

      Posted by Joe | May 8, 2008, 8:43 am
    40. You guys that are ridiculing him are pathetic…He made a funny article, not making fun of her, but pointing out the things she did. Get a damn life and don’t harass someone because they are far more important than you. If you dispute that he is more important than you…Tell me, do you have a page where thousands of people read what you say?…I thought not.

      Great read =).

      Posted by Dance | May 8, 2008, 9:18 am
    41. Usually when someone says “I’m not making this up”, they are making it up. What a lame story.

      Posted by k | May 8, 2008, 11:15 am
    42. You should have showed her the Hot Coffee trick

      Posted by Carlos | May 8, 2008, 11:19 am
    43. Hey, Jeremy, couldn’t you have just let your wife play the way she wanted to? My wife didn’t give a rip about killing people in “Assassin’s Creed”; she just wanted to look for flags and climb buildings. Did I gripe? No, I just showed her how to do it and left her alone.

      Women aren’t going to want to play games if men are hanging over them and telling them that they’re doing it wrong. You’re not helping.

      Posted by Matthew Graybosch | May 8, 2008, 11:23 am
    44. You can tell her she could have called 911 in the game for the old granny.
      It would have worked ;)

      Posted by just sayin | May 8, 2008, 11:35 am
    45. Thanks for sharing Jeremy! Great read :D

      Posted by Osama | May 8, 2008, 11:57 am
    46. whats funny is that people took such offence to you taking the piss out of your wife!

      great article

      Posted by maddy | May 8, 2008, 12:12 pm
    47. This made me laugh so freaking hard…… At least your wife will try and play it… Mine tells me how stupid video games are and wont even be in the same room as the game.

      Posted by Jeff Presswood | May 8, 2008, 12:15 pm
    48. Your wife doesn’t enjoy causing death.
      How strange!

      Your wife would prefer a gameplay with interactivity beyond maim and murder.
      How peculiar!

      Posted by ????? | May 8, 2008, 12:25 pm
    49. Your wifes not alone. There are entire GTA 3 servers on the PC dedicated to role playing. Laws are enforced by server admins taking the role of cops. People will play the role of a cabbie or even street sweeper.

      Posted by Ivey | May 8, 2008, 12:34 pm
    50. This is wild….. I need a wife like her..

      Posted by Robert Flynn | May 8, 2008, 1:32 pm
    51. That was hillarious to vizualize ! I’m fortunate that my wife is pretty tollerant of my gaming habbit. I think that when she finaly tries GTA, she will have a field day taking people out.

      Posted by autoguy | May 8, 2008, 1:46 pm
    52. It’s fun because a woman was driving and she run over pedestrians. Just like in real life. Jack Thompson is on to something indeed!

      Posted by Meaner | May 8, 2008, 1:54 pm
    53. I like obeying the rules in GTA from time to time. That’s what a sandbox game is all about. I sure wish nerds would shut up about Jack Thompson for just one fraction of a fucking second.

      Posted by Tom | May 8, 2008, 7:16 pm
    54. That has got to be the sweetest article about GTA IV I have read to date. I kid you not. =) Tell your wife for me that she can come over and play GTA IV anytime. I’m sure she and my wife can both zip around the city seeing what kind of trouble they can stay out of together in multiplayer mode. ;)

      Posted by Made in DNA | May 8, 2008, 7:25 pm
    55. Meanwhile, my wife plays all damned day, laughing maniacally as she plows down pedestrians in an ice cream truck.

      Posted by John | May 9, 2008, 3:16 am
    56. they’re probably gonna “girlify” all the gta games now to market them more to women - where you can take people to the hospital and be responsible. all thanks to this story.

      Posted by cappinkirk | May 9, 2008, 8:39 am
    57. Hmmm…I find the GTA series stupid and shockingly offensive,a true barometer of how warped and desensitized to random,senseless violence we as a culture are becoming.If you little weinies wanna really play bangbang why dont you go down to your local Army recruiter and go Infantry…Ah,didnt think so…

      Posted by Barry | May 9, 2008, 8:54 am
    58. jesus christ people get a damn life!
      stop harassing the poor man.
      its a great story as now i know theres more people out there with partners who act in such a way.
      mine usually hands the controller back to me after a while and then acts like a back seat driver when i play =P

      Posted by Abo | May 9, 2008, 11:28 am
    59. lets obey all the traffic laws! haha that made me laugh. although i do enjoy a good shotgun, i would have liked to hear your wife’s reaction if you pulled out the grenades or Molotov’s and hurled them in a crowded area or condensed traffic. good stuff.

      Posted by RQE | May 9, 2008, 1:19 pm
    60. Barry, I totally agree. While the game may be intense and exciting I think we should still be aware of the fact that we are being entertained with role playing that allows us to be the thug, the gangster, the criminal. While it may be fun to “pretend”, it wouldn’t be so much fun if you were burying your mother shot or ran down by thugs now would it. I can’t comprehend why anyone would want to “pretend” shit like this. I say keep it up, what comes around goes around. If we continue on this path our society will eventually become this, we are what we are. When my husband told me about the scenarios in this game I cringed, my heart stung a little. I hope everyone playing this game for the first time has that feeling, I hope it makes them never play it again.

      Posted by solo | May 9, 2008, 1:30 pm
    61. Tits OR GTFO

      Posted by john | May 9, 2008, 1:36 pm
    62. I didn’t really think any single part of that was very funny.

      Posted by Nate | May 9, 2008, 2:02 pm
    63. People, if you’re going to say ‘if you wanna do (blah blah) why don’t you just go do it?’, stop in the middle of the sentance, and just shut off your computer. It’s a game. Not everyone wants to go out and shoot people for real. Being a thug in the game, creates a way you can do several things, not just to increase violence. I know some people that don’t play violent games that happen to be more violent then some of the people I know that do. Don’t base it on false facts or anything like that. Shut up, and get over it. /rant

      Anyway, that was funny. My mom played and did that on GTA3

      Posted by That Person | May 9, 2008, 3:58 pm
    64. I call bullshit.

      Posted by Money Making Blog | May 9, 2008, 4:11 pm
    65. V V V That kids an idiot. V V V

      Posted by blah | May 9, 2008, 4:19 pm
    66. Wow. Sounds like my parents when I got Vice City at our yeerly Christmas get together.

      Posted by Justin | May 9, 2008, 6:43 pm
    67. This has to be one of the most useless GTAIV pieces I have had the monotony to read.

      Posted by soop | May 9, 2008, 7:20 pm
    68. Granted, whenever I get my hands on a controller with GTA in the disc drive, I like to go on a murderous rampage and mow down some hookers with car/gun, but not all people enjoy that sort of thing.

      This was a dull read. Not every girl can appreciate gaming. I might add that with a game like GTA, you’re free to play however you wish. Even I have spent a short amount of time trying to obey the road rules in one of these games, just to practise some more finite driving skills. I quickly decided it was easier (and funner!) just to take the corners at high speed and hope that if the car rolls, it ends up on it’s wheels again. And brakes? What are those?

      Anyway, you shouldn’t be bashing on your wife for not enjoying a game like this. It was a boring read, not to mention the fact that articles like these kept me away from many games for years, and still do. I don’t want my male gaming counterparts laughing at me if I can’t outrun the cops, or get beaten up by a grandmother. I’m sure I’m not the only woman who feels this way.

      She deserves a backhand with the controller for Thompson-esque Virginia Tech line though.

      Posted by Bunnie | May 9, 2008, 8:27 pm
    69. […] figured out how to suck all of the fun out of GTA IV and managed ruin one best games of all time.read more | digg story You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave […]

      Posted by How My Wife Ruined GTA IV - fugit irreparabile tempus | May 9, 2008, 9:50 pm
    70. To all those that say women aren’t aggressive haven’t seen my GF play Sims :P

      When your GF cackles while putting poor helpless sims in a room with no door leaving them to starve to death you should be worried.

      Atleast killing people is expected in GTA :O

      Posted by Frenz | May 9, 2008, 10:02 pm
    71. Jeremy, how could you let that old lady pedestrian die and not tell your wife that she can call the paramedics to any scene with Niko’s phone. I’ve never done it to help old ladies, but is good when you are low on health and no food or med kits around for the health boost from getting in an ambulance.

      Very funny stuff though. My girl friend will just go in the other room when I’m playing. Then complain that I don’t hang out with her, which is when I stop playing to hang out, and it turns out she’s actually got a test tomorrow that she’s studying for….anyways….

      Posted by Ian | May 9, 2008, 11:07 pm
    72. pics of your wife plz

      Posted by jeff | May 9, 2008, 11:32 pm
    73. You are bad at writing.

      Posted by Bryan | May 10, 2008, 1:42 am
    74. With me and my girlfriend it’s the other way round. She sits beside me on the couch and keeps complaining that I’m being too nice in this game. (e.g. I always try to avoid pedestrians in car chases, and sometimes I call 911 when I’ve run somebody over. So far, the paramedics have never even managed to find the victim after they arrived at the scene.)

      Posted by Motorsheep | May 10, 2008, 5:28 am

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