tonypierce.com + beasties
busblog at gmail dot com

nothing in here is true

 


   Saturday, November 09, 2002  
hi, my name is tiger woods. when i'm not beating everyone's ass on the links, or hanging out with my swedish girlfriend, or lighting cigars made of $20 bills with $100 bills, i surf the web.

theres lots of web sites i like to visit. theres welch and moxie and reverse cowgirl and doc searls and my bro the vodkapundit. i like to read layne too but he seems to be on an extended drunken vacation or writing in invisible ink.

but probably my favorie "blog" is that of tony pierce.

he calls it the busblog.

he calls it that because he has been riding the bus and subways in LA to go to work for the last year and a half now and he sees how pathetic and funny it is.

at least i think he does.

anyway, right now he is in the process of putting together a book of the best posts from his first year as a blogger.

you might know tony from his well-received photo esays or his famous interviews with inanimate objects and celebrities who he hasnt really met.

none of the photo essays will be in the book, but there will be xbi stories, searing poetry, unreleased photographs, and like i said, classic posts from the past including tales of his life as a single man in los angeles and his adventures with many of the hotties therein. (like ashley).

this is your chance to catch up and get the scoop at the backstory about the daisy princess, the lust affair with anna kournikova, and all the secrets of the xbi. where else are you gonna find that?

if you order now, you will get the soon-to-be titled book for an insanely low $10 + s/h. after tuesday the book will go for a more reasonable $19 + s/h so the way i figure it now is the time to buy.

being a celebrity, i like to keep the privacies of other stars sacred. but since the blogfather of southern fried rock Glenn Reynolds has recently admitted to purchasing the book, as has entertainment weekly creator jeff jarvis, and so has prognosis co-founder and reason contributor matt welch. in fact in little under a week 40 books have been preordered including two from newly engaged aj by azarok bought two.

so what are you waiting for? join in on the fun, america.

you too, canada.

heck everyone in the world, i invite you to take part in this historic event. the first known greatest hits of blog posts in one easy-to-carry book.

you'll be glad you did.

but most importantly tony's mom will be glad you did.

64.247.33.250
 
dear la times,

hi, it's me tony. again.

well, you haven't written me or hired me or written about hiring me and i guess im not surprised. i mean how many people get jobs after asking for them through their blogs?

and you don't know me and i don't capitalize my letters and my favorite subject is me so i guess i wouldn't make a very good columnist for you.

i understand.

beato was right, the best forum for tony pierce probably is tonypierce.com

so how was your friday night?

mine sucked.

i don't know what it is, times, but me and ashley just don't seem to be hitting it off anymore.

she picked me up at work at 5 and right away we got in a little fight.

i wont get into the details but anne was in the backseat and it reminded me of one of those quiet little steamy fights where the parents are in the front seat trying to keep their voices low and the kids are in the back trying to ignore it all while looking out the window or tracing the outlines of shadows on the seats but the mom has turned down the radio and theres nothing else to pay attention to.

it was a stupid fight and i still have a little cold and i kept telling her that i didn't want to be upset it was friday whoo hoo and i just wanted to get some food and watch kobe versus mj and eat thai food.

where did you eat last night?

first we went over to hollywood and highland to see if charlies angels two was filming but it wasn't on account of the rain, so we drove east down hollywood until we got to the palms thai and i ordered tom kha gai, which i like to call some young guy but ashley doesn't like it when i "try" to be funny so she didn't laugh. anne did, but stifled it pretty well. then we drove over to the rite aid to get some benedryl. the girls waited in the car so i also picked up some gum for them, i saw that the m&ms were on sale, and i also got a generic duraflame log for the fireplace.

when we got home they dropped me off and the girls cruised sunset to poquito mas while i ate my soup and shrimp fried lice in front of my tv, watching jordan and stackhouse take it to the shaqless lakers 100-99. pretty cool game. its so good to see mj still be able to bring it. the girls came back home and ashley said she was going to drop off anne out in west covina. that was at like ten and now its like 2:30am and she's still not back.

why would she forsake me?

i called her at 2am and she said, "oh i thought you said you were going to fall asleep?"

i said, "that doesn't mean you couldnta come home and woken me up, wink wink."

and she said, "oh, i didn't think thats what you meant."

i said, "well i didn't think that when you said 'im gonna drop off annie' meant that you were gonna stay there all night."

do you ever have problems with young girls like this?

sometimes i just don't know, la times. i mean really.

i like anne a lot. whats not to like? so nice. so sweet. but ashleys been here since thursday and i haven't been able to spend any time alone with her. why would she want to spend more and more time not with me? does she just want me for my gorgeous bod and my money? she doesn't laugh at my jokes any more. she doesn't do it with me three times a day any more. we don't instant message or email each other. it seems like all we do most the time is fight. yet she wont let me break up.

i do want a girlfriend. i do want someone who will drop off their good friend and want to come back to me before midnight and wake me up with soft kisses and start the fire going in the fireplace as the rain drops on the wooden roof and the cars splash by in the night.

and i also want a job. some place where i can be creative and part of a team and worthwhile and appreciated. a place where i can be relied upon and not in a 9 to 5 way but a magical way like, shit tony with the election over and the rain coming down we sure could use some glimpse of warmth in these cold pages, write something dreamy and romantic and poetic and smooth.

im a hundred and nine years old, la times. you know how that is. we want to feel useful and needed and more than just a mundane part of someone's life, we want to be a special part of someones day. don't we? i do.

two forty four am. here i am alone. not sleepy any more after passing out on the couch while the fire crackled and hbo kicked my ass and the tom kha gai's spiciness zinged me in the right way.

am i really too out there for you? how could that be? eminem, a white rapper who yells fag every other line and sings songs about killing his wife while their daughter is in the back seat, is going to be number one in the country in album sales and movie grosses this weekend.

am i really more outrageous than him?

speaking of grosses, wasn't jackass the movie number one just a few weeks back?

i thought we were through the looking glass, people, where black is white and white is black.

the angels won the world series.

halle and denzel won oscars.

the world trade center got knocked down by evil on national tv.

are you saying theres really no place other than here for me?

You better lose yourself in the music, the moment,
You own it,
You better never let it go.
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo

moxie

   Friday, November 08, 2002  
a lot of people have understandedly emailed me regarding all of the drama going on in the comments section below.

the post in question featured a picture of my drinking buddy karisa in her halloween costume with her work buddy liz, who i believe was also in her halloween costume (i have learned never to assume these sorts of things).

some guy named marc innocently asked in the comments section

"who's the girl that's not karisa: yum!"

to which i snidely replied sarcastically

"marc,

that girl is the ugliest girl in hollywood.

yep."

then the mysterious G chimed in with

"I assume your response, (tony,) is an inside joke, cause I don't get it. Marc said she's good looking: 'yum'."

to which liz wrote back under the pseudonym of Ugly Girl

"Hi Tony,
Bite me.
I was going to write you something nice since I've heard so many great things about you...but you can blow it out your crusty rear.
Marc and G, thanks so much! "

which prompted my response last night before bedtime of

"dear ugly girl,

i was just being sarcastic.

duh.

everyone knows karisa's the ugliest girl in hollywood.

:)

luv, tony"

funny? ha ha? right. misunderstandment? no. this morning karisa sends me an email from overseas telling me that Liz is still pissed and i should write her and tell her that i was seriously kidding, which i was.

so here, concerned readers, is what i wrote the luscious liz. watch your hero grovel.

to: liz@clickmodeling.com
from: dumbass@tonypierce.com
subject: a thousand pardons

liz,

the rumors of my genius are highly exaggerated.

people say im such a good writer but they're all drunkards. they say im
funny, but what do they know.

surely i thought that you would never read my web page (why would you?)
and everyone would know that if i called an obviously gorgeous woman "the
ugliest girl in hollywood" either they would think that i was being
predictably sarcastic, or they'd believe the myth that every girl in la is
at least as beautiful as you.

karisa will tell you that in an average day i will tell hundreds of jokes
and dozens will be funny.

im sorry my little comment hit you the wrong way.

perhaps you will allow me to take you and karisa out for expensive drinks at
the cheesecake factory of your choice.

humbly yours.

tony

hours passed and still no email from karisa's co-worker. i felt super bad because i have heard great things about her and yet never had the opportunity to meet her. and you know how things are with girls, piss off their friends, and you piss them off too. so not only had i blown it with liz, but my friendship with karisa was teetering as well. yikes.

then, like dream, that tiny beige envelope appeared in the bottom right corner of my flat screen monitor.

it was liz. innocent liz. damaged by my buffoonery. would she accept my apology or would she lay into me like a trucker who had been cut off?

witness:

from: liz@clickmodeling.com
to: dumbshit@tonypierce.com
subject: Re: a thousand pardons

you are such a dork
without even meeting you, i know this.
i DO have a sense of humor(really, I do!!!) but when you're scaring off
possible Liz "admirers", it makes me screamin' mad!

yes, let's go and get some cutsie-pootsie drinks when KiKi comes back as
I have heard so much about you and always ask why you don't come out also.

The ugliest but much humored girl in Hollyweird

so there you have it, cub fans. the drama has ended and you can all go in peace.
what have we learned from this?
sarcasm on strangers falls on deaf ears?
tony really is the hermit loser that he pretends not to be and should have had drinks with these fine lovelies and avoided all of this?
no, what i learned is karisa is telling all the hotties in la that im a dork.
damn you, mass girl, i will get my revenge and tell all your secrets.

p.s. thats not really liz's email address therefore all the liz admirers should leave comments here.
p.p.s. admirers of tony can leave their comments here too.

fimoculous
 
today's parker posey's 32nd birthday and who doesn't love parker posey?

what will you do today to celebrate?

ashley, the daisy princess, last night drove her friend anne up to hollywood to be extras in charlie's angels two starring their idol, miss drew barrymore. the girls arrived at 4pm and spent most of the evening in the cold rain giddy with excitement despite clearly seeing in the call sheet that the former mrs. tom green wasn't scheduled to appear.

no matter, they ran up to hot shot director McG bearing gifts for drew and McG told them how excited drew would be to get their handmade necklace and hallmark card, and despite captaining the multimillion dollar picture introduced himself and posed for pictures with the young girls who were blown away by his "sweetness".

anne was celebrating her 18th birthday and still had a permasmile at midnight when i ordered a veggie pizza for the ladies who dried themselves by my fireplace.

half hour later they were back out in the rain, not to work, but to watch. i wanted to warn them that they'd catch a cold or they'd wake up all achy and drowsy in the morning but sometimes youth isn't at all wasted on the young, sometimes it's the fuel and when ashley crawled under my electric blanket at 4am with wet hair and cold skin i could hear the fire still crackling in the front room interspersed with snores.

shes asleep ashley told me and nibbled at me.

and i thought

then i thought

and then i thought

then she said what are you thinking about?

and i said im trying to think if thirty three books have been sold so far or thirty four?

she said don't you want to be thinking of something else.

i said but it's technically friday and that means that there are only three days left for the discounted rate.

she said are you fucking kidding me.

and she ripped open her corset colored with the twinkling christmas lights circling the bedroom

and not everything is wasted on the young and at four oh four that blonde girl's ass wasn't so cold any more.

utter wonder
 
Seems it never rains in southern California
Seems I've often heard that kind of talk before
It never rains in California,
but girl don't they warn ya
It pours,
man, it pours


two inches of rain in los angeles is like thirty inches of snow in maui, everyone freaks out, no one knows what to do, so they do what they normally do, drive fast while talking on their cell phones crashing into each other and never accepting fault.

the rain started yesterday around rush hour. people here seem to think that the faster you drive in the rain the less it will affect the wax job on their lexus's. some are right.

wrong was the blonde skaterboy on his wooden longboard who tried to make a left onto wilshire and wiped out landing on his ass, launching his coffee mug of oatmeal into the drizzle and his deck into the honking traffic.

wrong was the subterrainian metro that, only in la, could be thirty minutes behind schedule due to weather despite being completely dry, miles below the metropolis.

wrong was the choice of the glamor girl who chose skin tight suede, shivvering below her dilapidated umbrella old with age, and flapping from crappiness.

five dolares sang the spuds mckenzie umbrella hawker at wilshire and western admiring his roll of cash secured with damp rubberband as we lined up to board the bus whose floors were wet whose windows were foggy whose seats were wet whose passengers were wet whose driver told her boss she had to take a 1031.

use the mcdonalds on crescent heights he said on the radio staticky due to the weather.

what about the jack in the box on la brea she asked and added over.

whereever you can, baby, he answered back with an over and out.

it's like theyve never seen this ever before yet it comes down every year.

rain in the city means snow in the slopes but everyone crashes before they get there. everyone.

sweet little jetta rear ends land rover who slowed down to a near stop as it delicately maneuvers over the inch high speed bumps in the office courtyard.

i arrive at work a half hour late grateful that the bossman had the foresight to trust fritz the weatherman and took a personal day when he heard there'd be rain.

secretary says, welcome to work when i punch the clock and remove my trench coat.

it was work just getting to work i tell her and she kisses my forehead and pats my sweet ass.

dirty fez

   Thursday, November 07, 2002  
over on matt welch's site, a character named "franklin" wonders:

So Tony is taking posts from his weblog and turning them into a book? One would think a creative genius of his calibre would be able to come up with some new material... there are a lot of things to spend my money on, why spend on something that's free online?

fair question.

but before i begin, please let me tell my friends that they will be getting the books for free. so quit paypalling me because i just found out how to refund your asses. if you want you can buy one at the discounted rate if you are buying it for a friend or a family member, but if youre just getting one for yourself and youre my friend, it's on the house. it's my christmas gift to you. just give me your address so i know where to send it.

what constitutes a friend? good question. a friend is someone whose phone number i have on my phone list. a friend knows where i live. a friend knows how devistatingly handsome i truly look in real life and only laughs at these photos of me on the web.

a friend either went to school with me or worked with me or got me out of hot water with the law or jammed in a band with me or repelled half dome with me or set me up with some super fly bitches back in the day.

k, now, franklin. you should buy this book because what i write here cannot be read when youre on the can, it cannot be read in a bus, it cannot be read on a plane or a train or in the backseat of a car as youre driving up the 5 to visit your ex-girlfriends parents over thanksgiving. thats why they make books.

also a book made of past blog enteries looks differnet on the page, it reads much more as a story, it has a different feel. you can wrap it up and give it as a gift. you can put it on a shelf and refer to it.

why do people buy the dvds of their favorite films? why dont they just remember what they saw? why dont they just wait for it to get on hbo or wait for it to get on abc?

yes i will be putting new stuff in there, and poems and pictures and commentary, but the bulk of the book are the old posts in different order than you might expect, for example there will be a whole chapter just on the conversations between me and ms. anna kournikova. some never before seen.

you should also get it because lots of columnists compile their columns and turn it into books. why punish the man who has organized his words on computer?

instead you should reward the lad who has brought you all this great joy.

or franklin, if you really see no value in it at all, but you're grateful for my daily deeds, just flow the funds and write in the message area, "donate my book to a local senior citizen's center or battered woman's shelter in my name." and i will.

but mostly you should be getting this book because it will be autographed from me to you and that's definately worth ten bucks plus shipping.

so act now.

reverse cowgirl
 
greg beato wrote a sweet piece on me yesterday, if you didn't see it.

he raised several intelligent and thought-provoking points.

greg suggests that there could be no better place for tony pierce than on tonypierce.com

i totally disagree.

this blog is something that i get to do on the 15 minute breaks at work and the time that i find during halftime shows after work while watching basketball on my satellite dish.

i would love a good designer, a good editor, some contributors, photographers, illustrators, fact checkers for my ass, etc. etc.

sure, working at a paper would make me tone it down and i would be able to say fuck fuck fuck all day long, but to be honest, i don't even want to say fuck fuck fuck all day long.

i want to write about los angeles.

what people don't remember is that out of punk comes pop. janes addiction spawned lalapalooza. the red hot chili peppers spawned "under the bridge." henry rollins spawned some thick necked dude i now see playing cops in movies.

i see ice-t on law and order, i see ice cube in barbershop, i see dr. dre formerly of nwa on trl.

why cant we see tony pierce every day on latimes.com?

i am dying to sell out.

except i would sell out like andy warhol did. the joke will be on you. not you you, but them you.

the joke will be, i cant believe that you paid a million bucks for a painting of a soup can or for a xerox of a photograph.

i want to be surrounded by great writers and artists and playing in the major leagues.

i love the history of writing and the rules and the structure, for without them what can you play off of?

i have so much to learn when it comes to writing and how to present a page and i think everyone agrees that this web page thing has yet to begin to rock.

why cant the la times lead the way?

must it always be ten paces behind the ny times?

maybe it must.

i agree with greg, there will be editors who will want to complain if i get too much freedom, or exposure, or money, or book deals. even in college i had an editor who was jealous. theres nothing you can do about that.

but any attention that i get will bring more traffic to latimes.com and more traffic means more ads and more ads means more money.

unfortunately mo money, mo problems.

i just want to learn to write better.

i want to be able to knock out a 40 inch sellout feature in a day. i cant do that right now. i have no clips. i don't have shit.

all i have is this blog and this site which isn't a reflection, necessarily, of me, but of what someone can do who knows very little about writing and even less about photoshop.

if the la times said, pierce, heres $40k, write obits for a year like royko did. i would do it. i love obits. they're just features. they're just profiles.

i love being timely. i love having the scoop on everyone.

that winona "exclusive" interview was posted seconds after the verdict.

there was only two things that coulda happened, guilty or not guilty. tell me which post to put up there and click the button and boom.

you. cannot. do. that. in. newsprint.

you also cant write and write and write and write and not sweat it.

all these pictures that i have on this blog could be ads. sell me out. the kids don't care.

cobain sold out with nevermind and those who were yelling sellout were nothing compared to the kabillions who cheered and bought that record as the floodgates of grunge were parted and everything came pouring out.

the next revolution could be televised or bloggerized.

television has overhead, this shit doesn't.

if the times wanted me to stop using certain words, fine. it's their paper, not mine. im so unattached to what i write these days that if i get paid for it it's not mine any more. you can do with it what you want. if you want to paint over your warhol soup can, go for it. if it turns out better, it'll reflect more on me than on them so whatever. and if it makes me look dumb, whatever. i look dumb pretty easily on my own.

the only bad thing about the la times proposal that i didn't mention when i wrote it is that i would stop the busblog.

i would want my "career" to be the center of my creative universe.

maybe i would write about stuff in this space that is either super personal, like friends' birthdays, or poems or stuff that just wouldn't work in the times, or maybe, if i had the time, i could use this space to give you some behind-the-- but no, i'd probably just end it.

just like how im ending this post. quickly.

but before i do, greg requested a photo essay of Christian statuettes like the ones above.

as a Christian i'm a little shocked that figurines like these are being sold at places like catholicshopper.com, but religion doesn't surprise me much any more.

i'm shocked because a lot of these pieces seem to poke fun at our idea of the Messiah, it doesn't lift it up.

and some look downright pedo-erotic. no, thanks.

but the two that im showing here are okay, i suppose.

i'd rather not see Jesus in modern day themes with his old robes. to be honest i'd rather see a black Jesus, but that's just me. but i don't want to see him with his legs crossed smoking a cigarette and reading the newspaper.

i think the story of Jesus is plenty just as it is. most people really don't understand much of what he said when he was saying it, myself included, so why throw him into mundane situations like this? would elvis fans buy statues of the king taking a dump while eating corn on the cob?

that's what i see when i click on a picture of the Messiah driving the lane on two little white kids.

with that said, i will be looking around the web for more of these weird statuettes, if any of you know where i can find them, email me the urls.

yours in rock,

tony

sksmith
 
in the time of chimpanzees i was a flunky what's up president of the united states of america?

my approval ratings, bay bee. ahahahahaha.

well congratulations, mr. president, it looks like your influence is what brought your party all the success it had in winning back the majority in congress.

thats what they tell me.

do you agree?

i agree with what i said, yes.

i hear you have a hit documentary on hbo.

thats what i hear too. i'm in it right?

yep, its called travels with george.

now see, thats a good title.

part of the documentary, mr. president is you suggesting that title.

get out.

i shit you not, mr. president.

please dont.

so how about this war on terrorism, huh.

see, you say things like that and i dont think youre being sincere.

im not being sincere.

this war is very serious. and i read your blog. i see you taking jabs at me. when was the last time we've been attacked by terrorists?

dc sniper?

he doesnt count.

why doesnt he count?

he was an american.

so does that mean you're going to pardon john walker lindh?

mmmmmaybe.

i dont think you should.

why not?

you might come across as being soft of terrorism.

but if i hang him all those people who bitched about my record in texas-- executing people and stuff-- they'll come back to life like zombies.

hang em.

he's just a kid.

so is the kid partner of the dc sniper.

yeah but--

but john walker is white.

i didnt say that.

and his parents are rich.

youre putting words in my mouth.

george if i could put words in your mouth i would put way better ones in there.

i bet you would fuckball.

okay, well, yay usa. good luck getting help from the u.n. to help you blow iraq to hell.

thanks.

and good luck with the economy, you're going to look like a gigantic ass if you cant get something right in the next two years with the congress, the supreme court and the executive branch on your side.

see, youre not being genuine again, are you?

that time i was. i want you to do well.

you do?

of course i do, mr. president. see, i am an american. i want america to do well. and i also know that the american voters, for the most part, have their heads up their asses and they dont care if the former administration did well, they'll still vote for whoever they want.

you've lost me.

it's cool. by the way, if you were so influencial, why couldnt you get rid of that political powerhouse Gray Davis?

you know how many texan republicans made a fortune off Gray Davis?

touche.

hey how many books have you sold so far?

30 books.

not bad.

only four more days to get it at the discounted rate.

i'm thinking about getting a few for my daughters, they love your stuff.

find bin laden and i'll give you a few free.

okay, now that's a deal.

truth laid bear
 
hi baby.

hi handsome.

nice belly.

nice pants.

wanna go out tonight?

k.

where do you wanna go?

anywhere you are.

will you let me kiss you.

depends.

depends on what?

depends if you let me kiss you back.

wanna have italian?

are you italian?

will you kiss me if i have garlic bread?

only if you swallow it first.

say that again.

say what, oh... swallow.

thank you.

do you love me?

do you love me?

let me think about it.

now do you love me?

okay, yes.

i have an idea then, lets just order chinese and watch survivor.

okay i really love you now.

great.

k bye.

byeeeee.

now is the time for pants

   Wednesday, November 06, 2002  
im gonna write something nice, just for me cuz im still sick, and i gotta get in the right mood for a really important xbi softball game that's going on tonight, and cuz im a little dizzy from the pills the nurse gave me after lunch, and cuz no one has bought a book from me in a good 3 hours, despite matt and greg's nice links.

and cuz ashley is mad at me for putting up karisa's picture and writing "why would a girl like karisa want me". ashley called me up and said, "what, am i an ugly skank cuz i do want you?"

no, ashley, you're not an ugly skank.

once there was a boy.

he wasn't the brightest boy at school.

one day the people from the standardized test place came to his school and put a test in front of all the kids. the boy took the test along with all the others and he scored a ridiculously high score.

his mom said, oh there must be something wrong with your test for my son gets lousy grades in school.

the woman from the school said, "well what does he do when he comes home?"

the mother said, he sits in his room watching television and putting moustaches on the women in my cosmopolitans.

the woman asked, is that all he does?

the mother said, no, he also plays baseball in the street, and he shoots at doves in the forest preserve, and he listens to devil music, and he spends hours playing nerf basketball while talking to himself, and he fights crime for fun.

the woman shook her head slowly, writing it all down. and then she said, what sort of books does he read?

the boy's mother said, magazines, not books. he reads spin, entertainment weekly, sports illustrated, playboy.

the woman said playboy?

the mother said, yes, he really does read it. he reads all of it. the interviews, the stereo reviews, the pigskin previews, the comics, the fiction by famous authors.

the woman said, but what about the nude women?

the mother said, he's a Christian, we believe that there's nothing wrong with God'd creation. and there isn't by the way.

the woman said, well he got nearly all the questions correct. we think he may have cheated. we were wondering if you objected if we asked him to take the test again.

the mother didn't object so the son took the test again, this time in the principal's waiting room. same test.

this time he got all the questions correct.

the boy's mother got a phone call telling her that her son was a genius.

she told the woman to hold on.

"hey son."

"yeah ma."

"woman here says you're a genius."

"hang up on her, she's probably trying to sell you something."

the mother got back on the phone, "are you trying to sell something?"

the woman said, "well, no, but i was about to suggest that you send him to a little bit better school than--"

click.

the mother went to the boy's room and leaned on the bookshelf filled with baseball cards, star wars stickers, magazines, boy scout things and said, "do you think that woman might be right? do you think you're, you know, gifted?"

the boy was laying on his belly playing adventure on his sister's atari 2600.

he said, smart kids wear glasses. i aint smart.

the little square on the screen was touched by a duck. the boy yelled something that rhymed with duck.

the mother said, tony!

then she said, explain that test you took.

he said, standardized tests can be beat just like this video game. the hard part is asking cheerleaders to be your girlfriend.

and the moon set behind the evergreens in the tree forest, and a light snow continued to fall on the illinois plains, and a lamp with chicago cubs stickers on it finally turned off after someone read the articles of a mens magazine and looked very closely at the pictures to see if he could discover any clues to the puzzle.

doc searls
 
when the comments software goes down, i get tons of email

Dear Tony,

Why don't you throw down more pictures of Karisa and some of the other babeages that you kick it with??? Does Ashley get jealous or somethin'? And hey, where's her blog?

BR


dear br,

karisa is pretty camera shy. the only time she really approves of pictures are when she's drunk off her ass, or laughing her ass off.

ashley doesnt get jealous. she knows i have a lot of friends and karisa is just one of them. a special one, but look at her, you think a girl like karisa is going to find any interest in a fool like me?

ashley doesn't have a blog, she has an open diary. and shes too hot and too young to be interested in me. read her, you'll see.

Tony,

If I were, say, a poor high school senior without a credit card and wanted to buy a book, how would *that happen...

Dylan M.


dylan,

i know you high school kids can get your hands on a credit card. you kids can do anything. thats why i love you all so.

how many non-high school bloggers, adults, if you will, write as much about teen blogs in complimentary ways like i do? how about none. how many of them write about cam girls in serious ways. zip. your generation can do whatever it wants. im sure you can figure out how to get this silly little book.

im also sure your mom would be happy to flow you the digits for a book of fine literature like what we're talking about here.

but if you really really really can't. send me an email and i'll give you a po box that you can mail a check to.

Dudesickle,

How many books you sell so far?

Irv


hi irv,

not that it's anyone's business, but we've hit 25 preorders sold. i think that's pretty cool.

TONY,

HOW DO U DO IT?

WILL U LINK MY SHITZIT? ITZ DA BOMBASTICK.

PB


dear pb,

generally i only link sites that i like.

i like my readers and i dont want to send them somewhere horrible.

heres some ways that you can get linked though. put my link at the top of your list. have something interesting to say. put up a picture that no one else has.

it also helps if you kiss my ass or rave about Tsar.

Yo T-Dawg,

What's your feeling about my busblog title? What titles are on your short list?

CM


dear cm,

so far i like, in no order of preference

1. Blook
2. hi blog, hi tony
3. I Shoulda Gone To Prague
4. Nude Descending A Staircase
5. I wrote this book by accident
6. smoke break
7. Dude, Where's my Blog

keep the titles coming.

Bro,

Did you see what Soundbitten wrote about you today?

Just checkin in.

Mc P


mc p,

i sure did. i love it.

as in LOVE.

soundbitten
 
guilty, winona, how do you feel?

this sucks. fuck, man, that was a bitch.

winona, we saw you walking around that store in an overcoat with hands full of clothes.

i was shopping. duh. i had already paid $3,675 for some other junk earlier that day there.

you were in "girl, interrupted" a movie about a girl who, among other things said that she liked to steal just to see if she could get away with it.

was there a question in that?

yes, are you a girl who likes to see if she can steal just to get away with it?

no, that was a movie i did years ago. i produced it. i starred in it. angelina won an oscar off it. in my mind that was a totally successful project. it baffles me that people might think that i am still trying to live through that character. it's ridiculous, actually.

what do you think of the security guard who arrested you?

that security guard was insane. she got caught trying to selling her story to the tabloids and she got caught of stealing my celebrity friend's phone numbers from my address book after she took my purse!

friends like who?

keanu reeves, bono, marc brown.

how did Peter Guber get on the jury?

Peter Guber?

yeah, the former head of Sony Pictures, the guy who helped produced "Bram Stoker's Dracula" and "Age of Innocence," films you starred in and made him a bunch of money?

Age of Innocence only made $32 million, sort of a faliure when you think that Daniel Day-Lewis, Michelle Pfeiffer, and I were the big names.

Whatever, Dracula made $100 million, you starred in it, Gruber made money off it. What the hell was he doing on your jury?

Hey, i'm entitled to a jury of my peers, aren't I?

But no one thought he was going to put you in jail..

Just cuz Mr. Guber is a studio chief doesn't make him a dishonest man. But I will hate him forever, of course.

is it true that you wrote a confession statement in the detention room at Saks and it was not allowed into evidence by the judge because you hadn't been made aware of your rights?

i woulda signed anything at that point. you know how hot it gets in overcoats in a store? i just wanted to go home. it woulda been my first crime, i would have to pay a fine and do some community service.

so you did it?

i didn't do it.

so why confess?

why not?

cuz then people would think you're a weirdo thief.

people already think im a weirdo.

i don't.

nobody thinks like you tony, you don't count.

hmmm, is that a good thing?

it's a very good thing.

so what are you going to do now?

i'm going to appeal, go to disneyland and i'm gonna pre-order your book.

how about this idea that you might go to jail?

lots of cool people have been to jail: Jesus, tim allen, martin luther king jr., my godfather timothy leary, jim morrison, james brown, pete rose, mike tyson, st. paul.

do you think it will be cool in prison? surely you dont.

i'll make it fun.

thanks for this exclusive interview, winona.

anytime, sweetie.

appellate blog
 
hi crazy turban sikh guy

that's mr. crazy turban sikh guy to you, tony. i hear you're under the weather.

yeah, i dont know what it is. its fucked up though.

take the day off.

im out of sick days.

here in india, you get as many sick days as you want.

wow.

no, not really, i just wanted to cheer you up.

uh, okay.

hey i want one of your books. am i one of the first twenty?

you can have a book, but no, we're at 21 now.

arrggg. well, that's okay. it's still just $10 + shipping right?

yep. but only five more days at that price though.

thats a great price. how do you do it?

the presale books are just to reward the people for buying it early. i pretty much lose money off of those. i like good deals in real life, so here's a chance that i can offer a good deal. plus it gets the book out there and once it's out there i think people will like it and maybe buy more later.

hey, you still seeing ashley?

yep, saw her last night.

you're seeing a lot of her, huh?

she was up here to volunteer at cedar-sinai hospital. then she came over. then she found out that Charlie's Angels 2 was filming at hollywood and highland, so she kissed my overheated forehead and drove over there to wave at Drew, and they spotted her and made her an extra.

that happened to me when they filmed Empire Strikes Back here.

really?

no.

you have an interesting sense of humor, sikh dude.

why, thank you.

okay, im gonna get back to saving the world now.

hey, did they legalize weed in nevada yesterday?

nope.

i heard the repubs kicked ass last night.

i'd rather not talk about this right now, fella.

was there any good news for liberals in the elections yesterday?

yeah, in illinois they voted in the first democrat gov'nor in 25 years.

nice job.

yeah, he looks like a dope though.

more dopey than most politicians?

hmmm, guess not.

okay have a great day, tony, my american friend.

right back at you, crazy-- i mean mr. crazy sikh hat guy.

caio!

mcblogger
 
caption this, please




   Tuesday, November 05, 2002  
hi man on the moon

hi tony, hows it going?

shitty.

republicans got you down?

ever heard of a train, man on the moon?

a choo choo train?

no, a gangbang. when one guy after another has sex with a girl. they call it a train.

oh yeah. a train. i mean, huh?

i feel like i got caught up in a train today.

im sorry, tony. why dont you talk about it, sometimes it helps.

nah.

go ahead. i'm all ears.

nah.

seriously, it would be my pleasure to help you. you're always there for us.

bitching about stuff is for bitches.

as an astronaut i can tell you, the planets are all f'ed up. dont take it personally.

got outta work late tonight, walked a mile to the busstop, realized i left my wallet at the office, walked back. turned out it was in the garbage can.

what the hell was it doing there?

who knows?

tony, can i ask you a serious question?

sure, moon man.

are you on drugs?

thats the sad thing. im not. i got pretty drunk last week, but not room-spinning drunk.

no pot, no acid, no coke?

i told you, on halloween those wizards offered me some weed and i said no, ask moxie she was there. i said no.

hugs not drugs?

hugs not drugs.

well tony, shit, you read the bible. you know the story of job.

i aint job.

well, duh, but that doesnt mean that sometimes the good Lord doesnt let the devil at you for an hour or two.

but a whole day?

sure, why not. maybe two days sometimes.

fuck.

yep.

so im supposed to just take it.

uh huh.

and hope it gets better in the morn?

it probably will.

and what if it doesnt?

then suck it up. be a man. what do you want, a shoulder to cry on?

no.

good, now shape up. the kids look up to you.

dumbasses.

shhhh.

okay, thanks astronaut guy.

youre welcome tony. get some sleep.

k, night.

jack bogdanski
 

Beastie Boys

Licensed To Ill
Def Jam Records, 1986

The New Style
(Diamond, Horovitz, Yauch)

And on the cool check in
Center stage on the mic
And we're puttin' it on wax
It's the new style

Four and three and two and one (What up!)
And when I'm on the mic - the suckers run (Word!)
Down with Adrock and Mike D. and you ain't
And I got more juice than Picasso got paint
Got rhymes that are rough and rhymes that are slick
I'm not surprised you're on my dick
B-E-A-S-T-I-E, what up Mike D.
Ah yeah, that's me
I got franks and pork and beans
Always bust the new routines
I get it - I got it, I know it's good
The rhymes I write - you wish you would
I'm never in training - my voice is not straining
People always biting and I'm sick of complaining
So I went into the locker room during classes
Bust into your locker and I smashed your glasses
You're from Secausus - I'm from Manhattan
You're jealous of me because your girlfriend is cattin'

There it is - kick it!!!

Father to many - married to none
And in case you're unaware I carry a gun
Stepped into the party - the place was over packed
Saw the kid that dissed my homey and shot him in the back
I had to get a beeper 'cause my phone is tapped
You better keep your mouth shut 'cause I'm fully strapped
I got money in the bank - I can still get high
That's why your girlfriend thinks that I'm so fly
I've got money and juice - twin sisters in my bed
Their father had envy so I shot him in the head
If I played guitar I'd be Jimmy Page
The girlie's I like are underage (Check it!)
Girls with boyfriends are the kind I like
I'll steal your honey like I stole your bike
Your father - he's jealous 'cause I'm making that green
I've got the girlie's numbers from the places I been
that is...

You wanna know why - because I'm
October 31st - that is my date of birth
I got to the party and I did the Smurf
Taxing all females from coast to coast
And when I get my fill I'm chilly most
We rag-tag girlies back at the hotel
And then we all switch places when I ring the bell
I chill at White Castle 'cause it's the best
But I'm fly at Fat Burger when I'm way out west
K-I-N-G-A-D whammy
All the fly ladies are on my jammy
Went to the prom - wore the fly blue rental
Got six girlies in my Lincoln Continental
Met this girl at the party and she started to flirt
I told her some rhymes and she pulled up her skirt
Spent some bank - I got a high powered jumbo
Rolled up a wooly and I watched Colombo

Let me clear my throat - Kick it over here baby pop
And let all the fly skimmies, feel the beat...drop

Coolin' on the corner on a hot summer day
Just me, my posse and M.C.A.
A lot of beer - a lot of girls - and a lot of cursing
Twenty-two automatic on my person
Got my hand in my pocket and my finger's on the trigger
My posse's gettin' big - and my posse's gettin' bigger
Some voices got treble - some voices got bass
We got the kind of voices that are in your face
Like the bun to the burger - like the burger to the bun
Like the cherry to the apple - to the peach to the plum
I'm the king of the Ave. - and I'm the king of the block
I'm M.C.A. - and I'm the King Adrock
I'm Mike D. - I got all the fly juice
On the checkin' at the party on the forty deuce
Walking down the block with the fresh fly threads
Beastie Boys fly the biggest heads
 
sarah's a hottie. i've lived a long time and i cant think of one girl ive met named sarah that wasnt a hottie. this one is 18 or 19, i cant remember, she takes a shot of tequilla right out of the bottle and then a glub of marguirita mix straight out of another bottle, then kisses a boy with lemon on his lips then licks a girl with salt on her belly.

then falls back on the couch and finshes her slice of za.

but hotness and coolness isnt enough to get yourself linked on the busblog, it helps if you can write and you have something to say.

sara is an undergrad at the Michigan State University, magic johnson's alma matter, the very same school that is in the national spotlight because of some dirty dealings with the football team.

thanks to the hosemonster, i clicked over to my girl to find out the skinny on the spartans and i was blown away by how well she nailed the story but how entertainingly she spun the yarn.

first off, great lede:

Here in East Lansing, we have a saying.

"Go Big or Go Home."

This philosophy has been perfected by Abbey Smith and this season, our football team took notice.

They knew they sucked from the get-go. They didn't care. The only people that cared were 70,000 fans filling up the stadium and thousands more watching from tee-vee.
being from the midwest i can tell you first hand that 70,000 people at a college football game isnt bad. ive seen bigger. hell, at illinois state university they got that many kids in the damn band.

she continues by talking about alleged cocaine use on the team:
And I understand how easy it is to get involved and addicted with cocaine. When you're at all the right parties, you meet all the right people, and you do all the right drugs. It's free because it's always free at first and they just want you to feel like this. And you know how good other things feel and you wanna know. So you let them give it you. And then you understand, you do feel like this. But then you feel like that and you know you're going to die if you don't feel like this again very, very soon. And then you're a monster because everything in your life is to try to feel like this again.
now do you see why ive been linking her ass?

this is what we call a keeper.

this is the type of girl who if i was the advisor of the daily nexus i would set up a scholarship fund to throw money at.

you really only need four or five hot babes who can write their asses off at 19 to inspire other smart kids to work at the paper and begin (or continue) a dynasty.

when i was at ucsb we had amy collins, jenny ogar, genevieve field, melissa lallum, jen adams, sandy brilliant, bonnie bills, chris zeigler, matt welch, debbie urlick, stacy teas, my girl jeanine, and many others who are going to kick my ass for not writing down their names who not only busted but looked great doing it, and left most of us dudes in the dust.

whatev. read the rest of her peice here.

go team.
 
my wrist was sore from typing and i rubbed it while i listened to my publisher take a call. he chewed on a blueberry muffin. it was 7pm.

century city at night is a beautiful place. if you're a lawyer. if you have a mercedes waiting for you. if you have a receptionist in pressed pants right outside your door. if you're on the phone hearing good news. if you're on the other side of the desk. if your name is larry.

century city at night is a scary place if your name is tony and you're not sure which bus you should take home.

he hung up the phone, lowered his glasses down his nose and looked at me.

"how many pre-orders did we get."

ten.

"ten? that's bad."

i thought to myself that ten was awesome. a hundred bucks plus shipping in my account just cuz i typed some words in a software program promising something that everyone knew didn't exist yet. ten was incredible.

"the book is going to fail, tony. it's not even a book if all you have is ten on the first day. deepak chopra had thousands of presales in his first day.