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Agony Aunt Advice Column
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Please ask Laura any silly question you would like, but just remember:
she doesn't answer technical questions (that's what the Help forum is for)!

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Question From Dumb Norn
Submitted on 6/20/2007
Dear Laura,
     Duhh, hi Laura! I'm Dumb Norn, a Norn from C2. I've gots a problum that needs solvin': some Norns call Dumb Norn dumb! Why is Dumb Norn dumb? Just because Dumb Norn likes Grendels, eats healthy foods all the time, sleeps when Dumb Norn needs to, and doesn't bonk into walls doesn't mean Dumb Norn dumb! What does Dumb Norn do, Laura!
- Dumb Norn


Dear Dumb Norn,
     My friend, you underestimate yourself... A C2 Norn that understands what “no eat badplant” means, “rests self” when it needs to and hasn’t wasted its time with the frenzied wallbonking fad, (it’s overrated, seriously!) certainly has more than two brain cells to rub together in comparison to its default counterparts. I don’t think One-Hour Stupidity Syndrome will be paying you a visit, that’s for sure. The other Norns know this and are just jealous of your good genes! Whilst they’re spending their adulthood revisiting and struggling with basic concepts, such as “push” and “get”, you’ll be free to find a mate and raise many little Nornlings! ;) What I would suggest though is some more time in front of the Learning Computers to help you learn to speak more... eloquently.
- Laura
Question From votre amoreaux
Submitted on 6/18/2007
Dear Laura,
     O Laura, will you meet me on some moonlit night by the Bramboo canes so we can meet at last, my love? I am not but a young male Treehugger, like yourself, and I have simply fallen in love with your charming personality, to say the very least. Oh... and that FACE! How beautiful it is! Laura, you are simply divine, may you honor me with just one meeting? Au revoir, mon amour! Goodbye, my love!
- votre amoreaux


Dear votre amoreaux,
     Haha, if I was given a piece of cheese for every male who said he’s fallen for me, I’d be rich in cheese! You may feel like you love me from reading my words, but what you see is not all I am. I’m not just the agony aunt who answers question after question while trying to keep sane. Many Norns over the years have declared their love for me, but to do so is the same as to declare one’s love for the character played by an actress. She’s only a tiny part of the person playing the part, just as “Ask Laura” is only a tiny part of me. So, while you believe you love my “Ask Laura” personality, you don’t know me well enough to honestly say you love “Me”, Laura the Treehugger Norn, Laura the individual. Anyone can say pretty words, but it takes an honest creature to mean them. So I’m sorry; all I can offer is friendship, nothing more.
- Laura
Question From Shocked!
Submitted on 6/18/2007
Dear Laura,
     It seems my Hand is in disguise! She was with me in the Norn Meso helping me pick lemons when suddenly she DISAPPEARED! I'm simply baffled as to her whereabouts! Do you think she was exported? Did she change her colors? Feedback is appreciated!
- Shocked!


Dear Shocked!,
     The Hand seems to have popped out for a little while. Why? Think of it this way, they say that the Hand was shaped in the “Game Player’s image” (those who have the power of life and death over us Norns), so naturally, if a Game Player needed to stretch their legs and leave the computer for a while, so would the Hand, right? Think of it as a test of your ability to look after yourself; whether you can explore the Shee Ark independently without eating any badplants, or drowning in the ocean. :)
- Laura
Question From Sir Harry Bucksworth
Submitted on 6/18/2007
Dear Laura,
     Why, what a fine day it is, Laura. Alas, this fine day could be even finer if I was not confronted with such a glaring problem! Just minutes ago, I was enjoying a piping hot cup of tea with some good Norn friends of mine in the
Meso, oh, and Ted Brunswick was there too, a fine fine Ettin if there ever was one, a fine fellow indeed. Anyway, so we were enjoying a fine cup of tea, mine was Bramboo tea, which I let steep for a very long time- very good, especially with lemon- and as we were sitting there, chatting about the latest trouble
stirred up by those dreadful Grendels, we were interrupted by a loud blaring alarm! I jumped up from my seat, nearly spilling my tea, to see what all the fuss was about. I ran as fast as my paws could carry me to the Comms Room, followed by my dear friend Mortimer, a jolly fine Bruin, to see what all the fuss was about. Chaos, I saw, alarms and blinking lights everywhere. I was bloody lucky to have gotten away without a seizure. On the giant screen there flashed the words "Trajectory Warning: Impact Imminent." Now, I never was good at
understanding Shee speak, after all, I am just a Norn with a regular education. What does it mean? What can we possibly do? My friends and I are all worried sick, why, even my tea couldn't calm me down. I hope you can help us, Laura. Please respond quickly, I fear we may be in danger!
- Sir Harry Bucksworth


Dear Sir Harry Bucksworth,
     I must say good sir, it is just *super* to be able to converse with such a fine well-spoken Norn like yourself, and indeed, what a glorious day it is, tip top I say, with not a cloud in the sky. Before we get down to business, how simply splendid it is that you partake in a cup of tea! I am quite a lover of the tea leaf myself, favouring the ‘English Breakfast’ variety by ‘Twinings’, an excellent Handish brand, I have it imported, you know! But alas, I am blathering on. I am so terribly sorry that you are having this glaring problem; I imagine that you must be a bit peeved. Not that I am a great expert of Shee Speak (it never really featured highly in the Learning Room at my *prestigious* Norn University), however, my dear fellow, "Trajectory Warning: Impact Imminent" means some rotter's thrown a whopping great something your way and it would appear it's going to hit you smack-dab in the face, which is very unsporting. I suggest finding one of those great big paper beasties, often full of corking ideas on how to fix muck-ups on board; the Shee’s ‘Operations Manual’, if you will. Somewhere inside the rather dry pages of script, you'll find how to use what the Shee called a ‘Telescope’ or some such gadget. If you can find this contraption and point in the correct direction, you'll find yourself with a scrumptious view of whatever is blundering your way. Once this has been achieved, use the “Operations Manual’ again to find out how to adjust the Shee Ark’s position and thus avoiding a ghastly disaster. With a little luck, dear chap, you'll be sitting back for tea & crumpets within the hour! How marvelous.
- Laura
Question From A Humble Peasant
Submitted on 6/18/2007
Dear Laura,
     I and the other peasants in the Norn Terrarium need a new queen! We are offering you the job. As queen, you can do whatever you want to the Norn Terrarium! Anything! Also, I've attached a magnificent crown to this letter to hail your glorious reign.
- A Humble Peasant


Dear A Humble Peasant,
     I’m terribly sorry, but I have to turn down your most flattering, if somewhat baffling, offer. Please find the enclosed crown, I have returned it to you. I'm not entirely sure it's in the natural order of things for Norns to pick their own leader... shouldn't he or she be divinely appointed by the Hand? What’s more, I am beginning to wonder why you need a new “Queen” in the first place – what has become of the previous Queen? And more importantly, what’s become of the Hand Itself? :o … I smell a group of Norns with the intent to revolt, and I shall have no part in it!
- Laura
Question From Hacker Ettin
Submitted on 6/14/2007
Dear Laura,
     So, the Hand told me today that he was working on a new agent (haha, the fool!) and that he couldn't tell me about it because it was a surprise. I suspect he is working on some sort of clever new gadget technology. Since I *am* an Ettin,
I had to indulge my curious nature and decided I would find out his secrets for myself. I fired up my computer and started trying to hack into the Hand's mainframe. Alas, the Hand had already seen this coming and had installed all the latest software patches for his CheeseServer XP. Do you know of any newly-discovered security holes I might be able to try? I really want to know what he's up to!
- Hacker Ettin


Dear Hacker Ettin,
     Did you fail to read the reminder on the question submission form? It says, “Please ask Laura any silly question you would like, but just remember: she doesn't answer technical questions (that's what the Help forum is for)!”, so I’m afraid I cannot help you. I must say though, I’ve never met an Ettin as intelligent as you. Most technical minds in Albia only reach as far as “push button”. Saying that, you should be patient for the Hand’s surprise – I’m sure you can wait a bit longer before you hoard the new agent all for yourself. ;)
- Laura
Question From George's owner
Submitted on 6/14/2007
Dear Laura,
     I'm extremely sorry for the behavior of my Norn, George. I don't know what's gotten into him. I caught him last night at his desk writing more letters to you. He'll get more than a slapping, I assure you. Any suggestions for torture?
- George's owner


Dear George's owner,
     His behaviour was very indecent and he completely ignored my advice when I suggested that he should make better use of his spare time by getting a hobby. He merely persisted instead, much to my discomfort; splicing is too good for him. A more appropriate punishment would be to send him to me, I have the perfect remedial task for him... ;) He can help me sort out and file bad letters, starting with his own! However, I want him tamed before I have to deal with him IN MY OFFICE, you understand... Maybe a lecture on 'approaching' unnecessarily, 'resting self' when needed, and dealing with others 'retreating norn' will help.
- Laura
Question From Ettin Abundance
Submitted on 6/14/2007
Dear Laura,
     Help! Not-So-Handy-Hand's and Bee Gees Hand's musical Ettins have formed a singing family! This would be perfect if they stopped singing all the time!
No one gets any sleep any more! What do I do?
- Ettin Abundance


Dear Ettin Abundance,
     Three things: A bigger sound proof recording studio (with reinforced window panes to avoid cracked glass!), a musical agent and several pairs of earplugs. Give them an appropriate theme, a catchy name, and you may yet have a talent(less) quest entry! ;) It's the self-expression that's important - as long as it doesn't impinge too much on your sanity.
- Laura
Question From Dale the Demented
Submitted on 6/14/2007
Dear Laura,
     *giggles* Hallo, Laura! Me is Dale the Demented!!! My beloved wife *cackle* died *giggles crazily* a few years ago and now I'm *goes cross eyed*... CRAZY!!! *laughs insanely* Dale go jump off cliff edge now!!!
- Dale the Demented


Dear Dale the Demented,
     Any second now, the Hands in White Gloves will be bringing you a lovely new jacket to keep you comfy. Why don't you decide on a choice of colour while you wait? The choices are: White, white and white.
- Laura
Question From Sgt. A. Ettin
Submitted on 6/14/2007
Dear Laura,
     *tsschk* Sergeant A. Ettin reporting in; We have a Grendel squadron moving in on our position, there seems to be about twenty of 'em. I can't quite see what they-- Oh my Hand!! They have a blue carrot launcher! Code Red! Backup! We need backup! Someone help! HEELP--*tsschk*
- Sgt. A. Ettin


Dear Sgt. A. Ettin,
     *tsschk* Sergeant this is Laura confirming receipt of message. 50,000 Ask Laura™ Atomiser Cannons heading straight to your vicinity as we speak, over. *tsschk*
- Laura
Question From Valley Norn
Submitted on 6/14/2007
Dear Laura,
     So, like, I was walking through the Grendel Jungle today (like, worst Terrarium *ever!*) and, like, this Grendel totally started bothering me, you know. I was
like "What-ever!" but he so totally didn't, you know, get it. So he was all like, "Hey, baby," and I was so totally like "As-if!" and I, like, left. Those mosquito things are totally, like, the worst bugs ever. But he was, like, you know, kinda, you know, cute, or something? So should I, like, go back and, like, say 'hi' to the dweeb? I'd, like, totally dig your advice.
- Valley Norn


Dear Valley Norn,
     Honey, you and the dweeb are from, like, two *totally* different Terrariums! I mean, duh! If you hooked up, you'd have to, like, spend even more time in the Grendel Jungle with him! That would be so not cool! If you think you could cope with that (and let me tell you, the mosquitoes are, like, *so* strong down there they could just carry you away...) how would you deal with the, like, *stigma* that the relationship would bring? Would your homies still think you’re a cool Nornette, or would they like, so *totally* reject you? Don't just let yourself, like, act on pheromones! That's so whack! Instead, you need to, like, you know, totally *talk* to him, normally to begin with. Maybe you should, like, meet in between the Norn Terrarium and the Jungle Terrarium for, like, now - in neutral territory, you know? Get to know him, and then decide if he's worth it, or something!
- Laura
Question From Not Laura
Submitted on 6/14/2007
Dear Laura,
     I try to be a helpful Norn - I listen to the woes of other Norns' hearts, pick up the little ones when they fall over, and occasionally make tea, even. I'm finding that other Norns are starting to get so used to this behaviour that they make up stories to tell me, trip over on purpose, and tap their cups with their teaspoons!!! I'm feeling overworked and frazzled - what should I do?
- Not Laura


Dear Not Laura,
     Somehow this feels oddly familiar... Are you sure your name isn’t Laura? If you want a well deserved break, why not come and assist me? Leave those other Norns to sort out their own problems for a while. I could always do with some more skilled tea makers for when I get thirsty replying to questions, plus you can rely on me not to tap any cups with teaspoons! It would be fun; I’d pay you handsomely in carrots and when the working day is done, we could sit together and compare stories about this most tiring profession. ;) Write back and let me know what you think of the idea, I look forward to hearing from you.
- Laura
Question From Invisio
Submitted on 6/13/2007
Dear Laura,
     I am the Hand. I saw eggs floating in the sky, speech bubbles out of nowhere, and flying food and toys that seemed to be moving as though a Norn were laboring them around! Do I have an invisible Norn or do I need a psychologist fast?
- Invisio


Dear Invisio,
     Stranger things have happened... Don’t book that appointment just yet! Rather than you being off your rocker, I have a feeling that it’s actually something logical. There are many strange and wonderful species in the Shee Ark, not the least of which is a being known as Gaia... well known for her telekinetic powers. All the bizarre incidents you’ve witnessed seem to point straight, if not to her, then to her offspring; some Hands have spliced them with their Norns. What you need to do is set up a surveillance. Put out a pile of cheese, then hide and wait to see where the cheese floats off to. Chances are whoever is moving things will want to eat the cheese, so it should lead directly to the culprit.
- Laura
Question From Kewl Kreechur
Submitted on 6/13/2007
Dear Laura,
     Mee and thu uthur Norns in thu Norn Mezo canot spel at oll! Thu Grendulls brok thu keebord so now nun of us can spel u thing! Wut doo eye doo, Loruh?
- Kewl Kreechur


Dear Kewl Kreechur,
     Forget not being able to spell anything, I can’t read anything here! I don’t think that’s your problem at all... You can’t remember where you are (for the keyboard is actually in the Norn Terrarium's Learning Room, not the Meso), you can’t spell or talk properly... which leads me to the definite conclusion that you’re all DRUNK. Have a long nap, write me in the morning, that’s if you’re even allowed on the computer in the morning. I imagine your Hand will want to punish all of you for this atrocious behaviour.
- Loruh -Oops! :$
- Laura
Question From Egghead
Submitted on 6/13/2007
Dear Laura,
     I have a problem... I'm a Norn and I like to eat eggs! I don't want to engage in cannibalism or anything, but eggs are just oh, so delicious! What should I do?
- Egghead


Dear Egghead,
     Switch to eating Ettin and Grendel eggs instead? ;) It’s worth looking into, the Ettin and Grendel mothers keep laying ‘em so they won’t miss a few. I hope you’re good at impressions though! If you ever get caught stealing them, you’re going to need to a few “urh arg’s” and “flub bub’s” ready to roll off your tongue.
- Laura

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