Asking a Woman’s Father For Her Hand In Marriage

So you’ve stopped hanging out with women and started dating them. Consequently, you’ve found a woman who had become your best friend, and you know she is the one. Things have been serious for quite some time now and you’re ready to take your relationship to the next level: marriage.

One tradition that has been slowly fading away from Western society is asking a woman’s father for her hand in marriage. Many argue that the whole idea smacks of sexism and chauvinism and harks back to times when women were treated like chattel.

Whatever. I think it’s just respectful to ask your future bride’s father for his blessing as you start down the path towards matrimony. It lets your girlfriend’s father know that you’re sincere in your intentions and a true gentleman. It’s an important tradition, a rite of passage, and a bonding experience between you and your future father-in-law. Plus, most women we asked think it’s a sweet gesture.

But it’s no easy task; the experience can make any man a nervous wreck. I remember when I had the talk with my father-in-law; I was sweating bullets. Hopefully, the guidelines that follow will help ease the stress and make the experience bearable if not enjoyable.

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How Do You Know When She’s the One?

When we wrote 14 Ways to Affair Proof Your Marriage, several people rightly pointed out that the best way to obtain a happy and faithful marriage is to marry the right person. But how do you know when you’ve found the right woman to settle down with?

When it is comes to getting hitched, guys get cold feet for two reasons. Some guys are uber-picky.

They have a list in their minds of their perfect wife characteristics: hot but not slutty, smart but not nerdy, skinny but a good cook, etc. Unfortunately, no real woman can live up to the fantasy, and these guys stay perpetually single. The second type of guy looks at others’ failed marriages, particularly his own parents, and won’t get married because of the fear of choosing the wrong woman.

The truth is that knowing you’ve found the right woman to marry is not rocket science. The decision to marry my wife was the easiest decision I’ve ever made in my life. Here are five guidelines that guided me on deciding my wife was the one for me:

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14 Ways To Affair Proof Your Marriage

Photo by HarveNYC

This week New York Governor Eliot Spitzer was forced to confess his involvement in a prostitution ring. The story has been all over the media and many blogs have done posts compiling lists of other prominent men’s fall from grace. But some of the most important questions aren’t being asked. Mainly, how does this happen, especially to a man who has spent his life crusading against corruption? And how can other men avoid falling into the same trap?

The Sptizer case, while certainly high profile, is hardly a rarity. 25% of all American men (and some studies put the number even higher) will have extramarital affairs during their lifetime. Will you be 1 of the 4? Or will you be able to stay true?

Many people look at infidelity as if it was a natural disaster; no one could see it coming; it just inexplicably happened. Perhaps this is because we are a country that has abdicated its belief in personal responsibility. The truth is that not only can men see it coming, they can prevent it from happening as well.

It is possible to affair proof your marriage. Will it be a lot of work? Yes. But that’s what you signed up for when you decided to marry your sweetheart.

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Written by Brett & Kate McKay · Filed Under Blog, Featured, Relationships & Family 

Segregating the Sexes

Photo from John Collier, Jr.

Last week’s New York Times Magazine had an article about the trend towards segregating boys and girls in America’s public school classrooms.

Segregating by gender used to be the exclusive domain of private and religious schools. But failing public schools are turning to gender segregation with hopes that it can help turn around poor academic performance, especially among boys.

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Write A Love Letter Like A Soldier

The thing women most want on Valentine’s Day is not jewelry or chocolate but a love note from you. A Hallmark card with some prefabricated message simply won’t do. Women want to hear words straight from your heart.

But writing a well-crafted love note is no easy task. They can quickly devolve into trite, clich� mushiness that doesn’t say anything meaningful. Chock full of banal generalities, these love notes pack the romantic punch of a wet noodle. Do you need some inspiration on making your love note powerfully romantic?

Nothing is more romantic and tragic than the last letter a soldier writes home before being killed in action. The supreme example of this type of letter was written by a man named Sullivan Ballou.

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Cracking The Valentine’s Day Code

Editor’s note: This is a guest post from my wife, Kate McKay.

A lot of people, both men and women, think Valentine’s Day is kind of a silly holiday, designed by corporations to make you buy their stuff. Love and romance should be expressed every day, and you shouldn’t have to spend gobs of money to do it. Yet one of the burning questions men who have been in a long-term relationship face is what to give a woman who says: “I don’t want anything for Valentine’s Day.”

Plenty of advice gurus will tell you that this is a trap and that a woman who says this doesn’t mean it. And plenty of men have had experiences that bear this advice out. They’ll tell you how they didn’t get anything for the lady in their life who said she didn’t want anything for Valentine’s Day, and how they got a cold shoulder in return. And then they’ll tell you how she then registered disappointment but tried to passively aggressively hide it.

So what is the deal? Are women a bunch of liars who like to trap and play games with their men? Well, sadly, yes, some of them do. But in the majority of cases the conflict arises from men and women interpreting “anything” differently.

When a man hears a woman say she doesn’t want anything for Valentine’s Day, he hears, “I want nothing.” But this isn’t the correct interpretation. So what does it mean?

When a woman says she does not want anything for Valentine’s Day it means she does not want a giant teddy bear, magnetic teddy bears that kiss, or any manner of teddy bear. It means she doesn’t expect you to wake her up with a diamond heart shaped pendant. She does not want a fancy dinner, gourmet chocolates, or a gift certificate for a day at the spa. She doesn’t want any of the things that corporations hawk this time of year. What does she want? A love note and flowers.

But wait you say, aren’t love notes and flowers “something?” Not to a woman they aren’t. They are so rudimentary as to not constitute “anything.” For example, you may want to buy something but refrain and say “I don’t have any money.” Of course you have some money, but not enough for your something to constitute anything. A love note and flowers are minimum gestures that are expected. Like brushing your teeth or showering.

So what the woman in your life really wants when she says she wants nothing, is an acknowledgment that you love her and are thinking about her. In many cases simply a love note, sans flowers, will do. Just make sure the note says mushy things you don’t normally say and you’re golden

And remember, it’s always better to be safe than sorry. She may not want anything, but something is always better than nothing.

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The Brad Pitt Rule

The Art of Manliness wants to encourage men to stop hanging out and start dating. But negotiating the waters of dating can be tricky. Men often want to know if a girl is into to them or not. How can you know? Employ the Brad Pitt rule. Read more

The Do’s & Don’ts Of a Dinner Date

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Almost every date involves taking a woman out to eat. It is not only fun, but offers a perfect opportunity to show your date your manners and character. Below are a few of the do’s and don’ts of dinner dates. If you do the do’s, you’re guaranteed to impress your date and score a second one with her. If you do the don’ts, she won’t be returning your calls.

Do’s

• Open the door for your date and pull out her chair for her.
• Place your napkin on your lap.
• Break off a chunk of bread to butter it instead of buttering one huge slice.
• Come prepared with interesting conversation topics to discuss.
• Say thank you to the waiter each time he or she brings you an item.
• Pre-bus the table to make the waiter’s job easier. (This shows you respect those in the service industry.)
• Pay for the whole bill, and make it obvious you are going to do so to avoid an awkward conversation.
• Leave a generous tip. A tip speaks volumes about your character.

Don’ts

• Wear a ball cap during the dinner. You shouldn’t be wearing one at all, but if you are, take it off when you enter the restaurant.
• Chew with your mouth open.
• Make the waiter’s job difficult with anal orders and requests.
• Obviously check out other women

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Stop Hanging Out With Women and Start Dating Them

Over the past few years, many social observers have noted that young adults are dating less. Instead, dating is being replaced by “hanging out” with members of the opposite sex. Dating and hanging out are two completely different things.

Hanging out consists of people getting together in groups and doing stuff together. It could be going to a club, a restaurant, or just staying home and playing Wii. The atmosphere is relaxed and relations among opposite sexes never rises above the level of friendship. There is nothing wrong with hanging out, but it is not a replacement for dating.

Dating consists of pairing off with someone in a temporary commitment so you can get to know the person better and perhaps start a long term relationship with them.

Why the decline in dating?

There are probably lots of factors that have contributed to the decline of dating amongst young adults. Here are few possible ones:

1. Young adults don’t like to commit. It seems like people in my generation aren’t big on making commitments to people or to organizations. Generation Y is too busy trying to “find themselves” in order to commit to anybody or anything. Companies have complained about the turn over rate of Generation Y. Companies invest lots of money training new employees only to have them leave after two years so they can find a new job. This reluctance to commit has carried over to the interaction between the sexes. Young adults don’t want to be tied down to someone just in case they get an itch to go on a backpacking trip to Europe.

2. The internet has retarded Generation Y’s social skills. Instead of telling a person directly that they’re interested in them by asking them on a date, Generation Y sends Crush alerts on Facebook. While the internet has made connecting with people easier, it has also made us lazier at establishing meaningful relationships. If you’re over 18 and you’re still using Facebook applications to let someone know you’re interested in them, you need to be punched in the face.

3. Feminism. Before I receive the wrath of all the feminists telling me it’s a typical man thing to blame women for the decline in dating, I ask that you hear me out. I think feminism is great. It’s great that women can choose to have a career, be a stay-at-home mom, or do both.

But it does make things confusing for men. Navigating relations among the sexes is a bit more tricky today. Men have all these questions go through their head: Who asks? If I ask, will she think I’m too forward? Who pays for the date? Do we split the bill? All these uncertainties cause men to avoid dating altogether and opt for hanging out with women instead.

4. Men today are wussies. Men today aren’t very resilient. They don’t know how to handle rejection or failure, so they avoid rejection or failure by not asking women out on dates.

Why date?

The whole point of dating is to find someone you can settle down and start a family with. That’s right. I’m encouraging young adult males to get hitched. This flies completely in the face of the popular trend of putting off marriage as long as possible so you can “find yourself” or “develop your passion.” Here’s the deal. Starting a family forces you to man up. A family is a responsibility. Responsibility breeds character. Character makes men. If you’re 30, single, and still feel like an adolescent, it’s probably because you still are. You haven’t taken the next step into adulthood- family. And you may be surprised to find your passion and yourself in marriage. Marriage doesn’t mean an end to your personal progression. It just means you get to take on life with a best friend and lover by your side. Which makes the journey much more fun.

So, getting back to dating. Dating is the first step you take in finding that lovely lady you’re going to spend the rest of your life with. You might be hanging out with her and your friends right now, but if you don’t take her on date, she’ll forever be just your friend.

Resurrect Dating

So, you’re ready to start dating and stop hanging out. It really is not that hard to get a date with a woman. Here are some guidelines to remember as you take hanging out up a level to dating.

1. She wants you to ask. Despite the rhetoric you hear about the liberated woman, women still appreciate it when a guy asks her out on a date. They like when men take the initiative. I’ve heard lots of successful young professional women lament the fact that men don’t ask them out. They’re beautiful, smart, and charming, but don’t have a man. Be a man and ask these women out.

2. Asking is easy. Asking a woman out on a date isn’t rocket science. When you ask, though, do it in person or over the phone. If you’re poking a woman you’re interested in on Facebook, you lose any credibility as a man.

3. Keep dates simple. Dates don’t have to be huge, expensive affairs. Keep it simple. If you want to keep things informal, ask her out for lunch or coffee. If you want a more romantic date, invite her over to your place and make dinner for her. She’ll be impressed that you know how to cook. The whole point of dating is to get some one on one interaction with a person to find out if she is someone you’d like to start a long term relationship with. Simple and frequent dates will assist you in this.

4. Prepare for rejection. Face it. Not every woman you ask out is going to say yes. Prepare for that. It’s no big deal if she says no. Think about it. You’re no worse off getting rejected than you were before you asked. You didn’t have a date with her before, you don’t have a date with her now. Your situation has not changed.

5. Just do it, damn it. So what are you waiting for? Quit reading this post right now and pick up your cell phone. Call a woman and ask her on a date. Stop hanging out and start dating. Stop being scared of commitment. Commitment is liberating, not confining.

I expect a lot of debate on this post. Please keep the conversation civil. It’s possible to disagree and still be a gentleman or a lady about it.

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Image from DeborahK.

Spark Up Your Marriage: 4 Ways to Date Your Wife All Over Again

Does your marriage feel flat? Studies show that after three years of marriage, many couples start complaining about their relationship being stale and boring. It’s no surprise then that most divorces occur within the first three years of marriage.

How can you beat the marital blahs and consequently beat divorce? The answer is simple: date your wife all over again.

Feeding the Flame

Remember how you felt when you were dating your wife? You couldn’t wait to spend time with her. You’d call her on the phone just to see how she was. You’d surprise her with a nice evening on the town or a small gift.

You can spark up your marriage by recapturing those same feelings you had when you first dated your wife. A marriage is like a fire. If you don’t tend to it and feed the flame, it will quickly die out. Enriching a marriage doesn’t require you to plan big getaways; small and simple activities will do the trick. Here are 4 simple ways you can revitalize your marriage by dating your wife again.

Expressions of love
You probably told your wife “I love you” hundreds of times a day when you first dated. Yet after a few years of marriage, some men can go days without telling their wife they love them. A common excuse men give for not telling their wife they love her is “I already show my wife I love her by working long hours to provide for the family and mowing the yard.” While it’s true that love can and should be shown through actions, women need to hear that you love them. It’s reassuring for them to hear it come from your mouth.

Also, when was the last time you told your wife she looked beautiful? This is especially important to do if your wife gets all fancied up. I’ve been in the doghouse a few times for failing to take the time to tell my wife how great she looks after she’s dolled up. Even though you might think your wife looks hot, she cannot read your mind. Open your mouth and tell it her.

In addition to telling your wife you love her, try writing a note that expresses your love. My wife loves it when I leave her a short note or email saying how beautiful she is or how much I love her. It shows your wife that you were thinking about her during the day.

Courtesy
When you first dated your wife, you probably did your best to behave as a gentleman. You opened doors for her or gave her your coat when she was cold. You had to do these things if you wanted to win her over. But all this probably ended a few weeks after the wedding.

Chivalry is not confined just to courtship. Courtesy and and consideration for your wife is just as important after the ceremony as it is before. Each day perform little acts of kindness and courtesy with your wife. Open the car door for her, pack her lunch for work or school, and be on time with appointments with her.

Gifts
When was the last time you bought an inexpensive gift as a surprise for your wife for no other reason than just to please her? Small gifts show your wife that you’ve been thinking about her during the day. Find something that you know your wife enjoys and get it for her. If she likes flowers, get her flowers every now and then. Don’t wait for an occasion like Valentine’s Day to buy flowers. She will be ten times more happy with them if you buy them just because you were thinking about her. If there’s a particular magazine she likes, pick up a copy next time you’re at the grocery store.

A gift doesn’t even have to be a tangible good. It can also be in the form of a service. Clean the house while she’s gone or give her a twenty minute message.

A caveat with gifts: don’t give gifts only when you want sex. I read a sad story about a woman who broke down and cried every time her husband brought home flowers because it meant he just wanted sex. You’re wife is not a prostitute, so don’t treat her like one by trying to buy her with stuff. Give gifts just to please her. If she’s happy, then you succeeded. Of course, if you get sex, that’s just an added bonus to the happiness you’ve brought to your wife.

Date night
When you first dated your wife, you probably took her out somewhere every weekend. It may have been the Taco Bell, but you at least you made sure to spend an evening out with her. When was the last time you actually went on a date with your wife?

Establish a date night with your wife and treat this time with her as sacred. When you plan your week, block out an hour each week during which you’ll be taking your wife out. If a meeting comes up, reschedule the meeting. If you have kids, find a babysitter. If you can’t afford a babysitter, find another young couple with kids and offer to trade babysitting services. They take your kids while you and your wife go out and you take their’s when they go out.

Your date night doesn’t have to be fancy. A date night that my wife and I both enjoy is eating pancakes at IHOP followed by browsing magazines at Borders. Even a trip to the ice cream store can be a great date night. The idea is to just get out of the house and spend time together.

For ideas on cheap ways you can woo your wife, check out Zen Habits’ 50 Ways to Be Romantic on the Cheap.

Every now and then, surprise your wife by planning a fancy date. Women love it when men plan nights out. Pick a restaurant you know she’ll like and make reservations. Pick out the dress she should wear and lay it out for her on the bed. When she gets home from work or school, surprise her at the door with your suit on and a bouquet of flowers. Your wife will melt right there on the spot.

Photo by Seluma