Dom Joly

Recently by Dom Joly

Dom Joly: Beadle? Not my cup of tea, but I'm sorry he's no longer about

Sunday, 3 February 2008

I met Jeremy Beadle once. When I say met – I didn't actually meet him, I was just in the same pub as he was. It was in The Flask in Highgate, back when Jeremy was king of the hill in 'Game For a Laugh'. He was on his way back to his table after getting a round in when a huge, tattooed thug of a man stood up and blocked his path.

Dom Joly: Moonlit wolves, the muezzin... it's my kind of place

Sunday, 27 January 2008

I'm back from four fabulous days' skiing in Iran. As usual, travelling in the "axis of evil" is full of surprises. I was a little nervous about the journey, especially after the little naval skirmish 10 days before. Fortunately, David Miliband, our hip Foreign Secretary, is a Facebook friend, so I sent him a message telling him I was off to Iran for a skiing holiday and would he mind postponing any aggressive actions until my return? To my delight, he replied almost immediately, warning me not to go near one particular area. It so happened that I was not planning to go anywhere near there, but that's the kind of one-on-one service I want from my Foreign Secretary.

Dom Joly: Tie no yellow ribbons for me, and, please, no Terry Waite

Sunday, 20 January 2008

By the time you read this I should be in Iran... skiing. Yes, I know it's a bit of a weird weekend break, but I saw a picture of two women snowboarding in full burkhas, asked where it was, and now I'm off to have a look.

Dom Joly: Champers, bacon, baggage, staff... That's the way to travel

Sunday, 13 January 2008

I went to Paris for a couple of days filming last week. We were going to hand back a suitcase to a grateful Frenchman who'd lost it on a BA flight from Heathrow to Tokyo. We bought it at an auction house in south London where "unclaimed" bags are sold off.

Dom Joly: Oprah backs Obama, so what about Dido for Dave?

Sunday, 6 January 2008

Canadians worry about who will be in the White House next year. If affects them in all sorts of ways. Militarily, another Canadian soldier has just been brought back from Afghanistan in a body bag; economically, the "loonie" the Canadian dollar is very strong, and shoppers are pouring across the border to buy cars, groceries, clothes and guns. Since over 90 per cent of the population lives within an hour of the US border this isn't too difficult, but it can get awful lonely up here when the sales are on in Buffalo.

Dom Joly: Family holiday centres make me head for the rapids

Sunday, 30 December 2007

One of my favourite films ever, if I'm being honest, is 'National Lampoon's American Vacation'. If I'm ever actually asked, then I reply with more sophisticated choices such as '37.2 Degrees le Matin' (Betty Blue) or 'Being There'. The truth, however, is that I love this light comedy starring Chevy Chase travelling across the USA with his dysfunctional family for a holiday at Wally World, a nightmarish Disney-type destination.

Dom Joly: Ricky Gervais may be big stateside but I'm a Bum

Sunday, 23 December 2007

'Hi, am I speaking with Bum Joly?" The soft Canadian voice paused a second, waiting for me to answer.

Dom Joly: One look at the Take That crowd and I fled to a bomb site

Sunday, 16 December 2007

I 've been sent to Coventry... literally. Not by Stacey for spending more than 10 hours a day online shooting people around the world on my Xbox 360. Nor by my children for calling the shepherds "rag-heads" during the school nativity play. No, I'm physically in the city overnight to film some stuff about CCTV. Coventry has one of the few CCTV interactive systems in the UK. This means that not only can the authorities spy on the inhabitants, but they can also shout at them through speakers that sit beside the cameras. It's totally Orwellian, but it's not going to stop there. There are now cameras being developed that will analyse how you walk and then alert the operators to anyone who is not "walking in a normal way".

Dom Joly: Hans and I have killed 1,000 Spaniards. It's nothing personal

Sunday, 9 December 2007

I've entered a weird, weird new world. No, it's not Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen's social set. It's something far, far worse. Allow me to explain.

Dom Joly: Kidnapped, and not a first-class stamp to my name

Sunday, 2 December 2007

I'm doing a show called 'The Complainers' at the moment, in which I help wreak revenge on people and things that the general public have grumbled about. Oh, how I wish I had been "working" on my irregular commute into London from the Cotswolds the other morning. I had to take an early train in, as I was filming at 10 o'clock in Brentford. The train journey was OK, despite my being forced to use the world's most expensive stretch of railway. There was a brief delay after Swindon the train driver said that it was due to "sheep on the line". Everybody laughed except for the annoying man who was talking really loudly on his CrackBerry to a man called "Steve" about a meeting the annoying man had had with a man called "Dave". There was absolutely no point to this conversation but we all had to share it as the man, seemingly unaware that his mobile transmitted sound, bellowed away.

Dom Joly: A clear case of wrongful imprisonment of a pepperami

Sunday, 25 November 2007

I was stopped and nearly arrested under the Prevention of Terrorism Act the day before my 40th birthday. It would have been a lousy way to spend the big day, so it was lucky I came across a policeman with a good sense of humour, which is a pretty rare thing these days.

Dom Joly: Curse Llewelyn-Bowen: he's everywhere - and that's my job

Sunday, 18 November 2007

I called an emergency meeting for the celebs in my area last Thursday evening. We met in an out-of-the-way pub, in a back room. One by one they trooped in – Liz Hurley, Kate Moss, Ruby Wax, Kate Winslet, Gary Kemp, Willy Carson. They all knew why the meeting had been called and they were angry. The foppish interior decorator Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen has moved into the area and has taken over "local celeb" duties.

Dom Joly: It's being 32 for years that's kept me on the telly

Sunday, 11 November 2007

This will be the last column I write as a thirtysomething... ever. I can't believe that I'm going to "turn" 40 this week. I've been 32 for so long now that I've just got used to it. You can't really be over 32 and work in television unless you're a national treasure like Michael Palin, Jeremy Clarkson or Michael Winner... sorry, Winner isn't a national treasure, he's a national joke and he doesn't really do telly anyway apart from those toe-curling ads. But you know what I mean.

Dom Joly: Rescuing my puppy, indeed – there's an evil trick for you

Sunday, 4 November 2007

I really don't like Hallowe'en. It's too close to Guy Fawkes Night and it's an American thing brought over here to sell more "merchandise" and, worst of all, I have to meet my neighbours.

Dom Joly: Lured by Bafta into the heady world of dweebs and spods

Sunday, 28 October 2007

At the end of my spoof chat show 'This is Dom Joly' I used to shout – "See you at the Baftas" to a bemused studio audience. It was at about that moment that I realised that nobody understood that I was "playing" a fictional media asshole called "Dom Joly". They just thought that I was one. Three years on and... I made it to the Baftas. The video games Baftas, that is.

Dom Joly: So there I was, looking under a tramp for a £10 note...

Sunday, 21 October 2007

I can't get off Facebook now ... the Social Services turned up at the door yesterday because the school had reported that my kids seemed undernourished. I couldn't be bothered to open the door. I was busy talking to my new Facebook friend – Chico from 'X Factor'. Anyway, what's the problem with kids being a bit scrawny? One minute we're all going to die from diabetes and obesity and the next we're too skinny. I can't keep up. I haven't got time to keep up anyway because Chico has just asked me what I think of his new single. I mentioned that he sounded a tad like a gay hamster being strangled and he hasn't come back to me since. That's what's great about Facebook, you can really get involved in other people's art.

Dom Joly: Hear no evil: the bongo drums of political correctness

Sunday, 14 October 2007

I had to laugh when I heard about the student at my old university, SOAS (the School of Oriental and African Studies), being criticised for hosting an "English" party with "no bongos". He got into loads of trouble and had to apologise to everyone at the place by email. I know that it sounds a bit Alan Clark and that he's probably a bit of an idiot, but you have to have studied there to understand what he's on about. I went there to delay having to make any decisions in my life and to do as little work as possible. (I succeeded.)

Dom Joly: Lost in the Empty Quarter (with apologies to Swindon)

Sunday, 7 October 2007

I'm just back from five days in the Empty Quarter. No, this wasn't a mammoth shopping trip to Swindon but to the largest sand desert in the world that takes up a whole quarter of the Arabian Peninsula. (Damn, I just said something rude about Swindon and I can't do that any more. I've declared a ceasefire with the town and am the public face of a campaign to get £50m of Lottery money to open up a new science museum there.)

Dom Joly: 'I'm a junkie spiralling into my own personal F Hole'

Sunday, 30 September 2007

OK, enough is enough... this Facebook thing has gotten out of control. It consumes my day and I know I need to just delete the whole thing and get back to viewing the BBC News front page but... I can't, I'm a junkie spiralling into my own personal F Hole.

Dom Joly: Move over Michael Palin. I'm wearing the chinos now

Sunday, 23 September 2007

To travel is better than to arrive, as long as you don't pass by Heathrow. My current aim in life is to replace Michael Palin as the next big TV travel "personality". It won't happen, of course, as I am physically incapable of wearing chinos, sensible blue shirts or a panama hat and am, therefore, disqualified from even putting myself up as a contender. This does have its benefits. For instance, it allows me to do a bit of a "Magician's Secrets Exposed" about the world of travel docs.

Dom Joly: Gillette is at the cutting edge of the war on terror

Sunday, 16 September 2007

One of the weirdest things my dad ever told me was "never trust a man with a beard". I've always wondered what happened to him that might have corrupted his view of hairy faces? He was in the Fleet Air Arm during the Second World War and I believe that they weren't allowed to grow beards so maybe he's always associated them with conscientious objectors. I'd ask him but we're not speaking right now because I have a three-day growth.

Dom Joly: My name's Dom Joly and I'm a Marcoholic

Sunday, 9 September 2007

I don't know why I did it – I know it's wrong – I was breaking all my rules. I just couldn't help myself. There I was, in a car, on my way to eat a three-star meal cooked by ex-stars in 'Hell's Kitchen'. I knew that I should just ask the driver to turn around drop me off somewhere near normality, but something was driving me on.

Dom Joly: You can stick your al fresco salami, thank you

Sunday, 2 September 2007

I've become a bit of a wimp traveller. I'm so used to swanning around the world with a film crew in tow that I've forgotten how to look after myself. I'm in Corsica, desperately trying to have a picnic. I'm not very good at having picnics. I'm just not organised enough. I'm a spontaneous type of person and picnics need organising.

Dom Joly: You can always find me at email-and-be-damned.com

Sunday, 26 August 2007

About a month ago, I was in Kincardine, a really sleepy little Canadian port on Lake Huron. I desperately needed to email somebody an article that I'd just written.

Dom Joly: 'Yo, check my digi-dude shots pls, I am sordid lol'

Sunday, 19 August 2007

I'm finally on Facebook. I've resisted this type of thing for ages as I have so many people that I need to avoid in my life that the last thing I want to do is to give them any assistance in contacting me.

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