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Let's Get Retarded

Why do fools fall in love?

Retarded

Because they're mentally-challenged!

I’m kinda into retarded people. And it’s not just retarded people, it’s fucked-up-ness in general, like people with lobster-claw hands, conjoined twins, mermaid babies, babies born without faces, LPs, excessive facial hair, the morbidly obese—basically anything on Discovery Health channel.

I guess it’s the freak show aspect that appeals to me. Don’t get me wrong—I’m not saying that retarded people are freak show fodder. I'm saying that their sex lives are.

When it comes to sex (not to mention relationships), we're all a little retarded. Think about it—for people of normal mental ability, sex basically amounts to a series of jerky movements and guttural moans. So real retarded people fucking must be crazy—a lot more noise and flailing and confusion. In short, I suspect they get their freak on.

I suppose I'm the freak for even imagining it. But can you blame me?Pumpkin The seed has been planted by the surprising amount of movies and TV shows that feature the romantic relationships of the mentally challenged. I mean, they keep making them, which must mean there's a guaranteed audience full of people just as morbidly curious as I am.

Generally, in pop culture, the mentally-challenged are portrayed as tragic yet good-natured figures. Because our society so closely associates sex with sin, such innocents are translated as non-sexual beings. Even in a film like Pumpkin, in which the act of intercourse is actually approached, it's done in a fuzzy, warm way in order to sort of preserve a sense of purity.

The same goes for 1999's The Other Sister. OthersisterThe film's director, Gary Marshall, is no stranger to turning unlikely subject matter into feel-good romantic comedies—like Pretty Woman, the love story of a streetwalker and a John which evoked the sentiment "Aww, hookers are adorable!" Similarly, The Other Sister—a romcom about the courtship of two mentally-challenged adults (played by scientologists Juliette Lewis and Giovanni Ribisi)—aims for "Aww, retards are adorable!"

But it misses its mark. As a whole, the movie isn't so much a comedy as it is a joke. In what is perhaps the most memorable scene, Carla (Lewis) and Daniel (Ribisi)  contemplate sealing the deal, leading her to ask, "I wonder who thought up sex?" to which he responds, "I think it was Madonna." It's like, is the screenwriter retarded, too? Did they honestly expect me to laugh with this couple and not at them?

But you know, I can't help but laugh anyway. Mostly becauseRosie2 watching big stars acting retarded is undeniably funny—especially when it's someone as big as Rosie O'Donnell. The 2005 made-for-TV-movie Riding the Bus With My Sister is bound to be a cult classic, thanks to Rosie's performance as an abrasive, loud, overweight adult who loves donuts and soda. What a stretch, right? Dressed up in stupid hats, cat T-shirts and mismatched sneakers, Rosie interprets mental disability by channeling a muppet. If they knew any better, I'm sure that retarded people would be insulted.

In this clip, she explains that she knows how to put on a bra.

And if you recoiled at the thought of pudgy digits fingering the clasp of a beige Olga bra stretched to capacity across a very broad back, then get a load of the mental imagery induced by this next clip. In it, Ro gets all TMI about her upcoming big date with her mentally-challenged black BF Jesse.

Fooling around? Yuck! My disgust has nothing to do with the characters' disabilities. It's just that the idea of a man stuffing his wiener into Rosie's bulldyke donut hole is, well, mentally-challenging.

Actually, movies-of-the-week are the arena for love stories of the mentally disabled like Tim (starring Mel Gibson), Like Normal People, and Kirstie The Yarn Princess (with Jean Smart). But in my research, I discovered a little-known gem that aired on CBS in 2003 called Profoundly Normal. The tag line says it all, "The only thing they considered special...was their love."

Kirstie Alley (pictured left, looking every bit the part) stars as a mentally-challenged woman who falls in love with a fellow resident at the institution in which she resides. The two eventually marry and have a child.

Based on a true story, this one also involves jungle fever. Check out the trailer.

In this clip, they talk about their honeymoon.

We're supposed to think it's very cute. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed it, but you know, if people of normal intelligence were going on about the mirrored ceiling in their A.C. hotel room to perfect strangers, they'd be written off as inappropriate, or perverts. And while I love watching this type of shit, it kind of bothers me that I'm supposed to find their pairing and procreating inspiring. It's like, big whoop, so you made a baby. Your vagina isn't challenged. Go make something using your brain—then I'll be wowed.

I'm just as cynical about Forrest Gump. Fgump_jenny2 It's supposed to be uplifting, but to me, it's a fable with the moral being that in America, intelligence doesn't really matter. Any idiot can stumble into a free college education, success and fortune, so long as he plays football and serves his country. Oh, and girls who do drugs and have sex die! Shit, I guess I'm screwed.

But not all movies featuring mentally-challenged people are so saccharine. There's at least one that's just unsavory—Harmony Korine's Gummo. In this film about the freak show that is poor, mid-Western, white trash, there's a scene in which a girl with Down syndrome is rented out as a hooker by her older brother.

At once gross and engrossing.

Chrisburke And finally, I couldn't talk about any of this, without mentioning the OG of handicapped Casanovas—Corky Thatcher. In the third season of the TV show Life Goes On, Corky meets Amanda, a girl who also has Down syndrome, to whom he eventually proposes. Unfortunately, only the first season of the show is on DVD, so I couldn't share any of their precious moments like when Amanda made Corky lose his shit when she fucked up the meal she prepared by not boiling the macaroni noodles, or when a simple kiss sparked a confused Amanda to have a pregnancy scare.

Chris Burke, the actor who played Corky, is now a musician. He's recorded a few albums, tours with a band, and even has merch. I'm really broke and would kill for this shirt. Someone please buy it for me! I'll be your best friend.

Fs_1139586572

I know it only comes in XL, but I could craft something wonderful out of it.

I was pleased to find out that Chris and Andrea Friedman, the actress who played Amanda, are not only still friends, but they also recorded a duet, "Crazy in Love." No, unfortunately, it's not that "Crazy in Love." I think that would have put me on awesome overload, causing my brain to explode.

Oh, and speaking of brains exploding, I'll leave you with this.

Comments

Ok, I feel bad sharing this, but if you want to see "special" porn click on the link below.
http://content.amplovesyou.net/?vid=32306_14
Thank you myspace sharing.

At one time, all three of my roommates worked with adult retards. They would bring over the "clients" as they were called and it was great because the clients were into exactly the same shit we were--video games, playing in the park, drinking.

The best part, though, was their fucked up love lives. There were homosexual affairs and a guy named Jimmy who masturbated to the Christopher Reeve Superman movies and sports bloopers.

He was especially proud when he ejaculated because, you know, his medication made it difficult.

omg, boober, do you still hang out with them? that sounds amazing! sports bloopers!

Tuna, my fault for going there but 6 seconds of that link may have very well sent me back to rehab. Oh shit... there is no bottom is there?

i can't view it! and i need to!

Over this past summer my friend Catherine and I were high on the beach and we watched a downs couple dry hump on the jetty.We watched for like half an hour and it might have been the best thing I've ever seen. oh and Ocean City NJ is a hot spot for MH/MR day tours and vacations... so if any one wants do a little "sight seeing" you know where to go.

I'm going to assume that Rosie accurately captured the sex life of the mentally challenged with her reference to Animal Planet, snow cones, and fooling around. I'm kinda jealous.

Try refreshing it a few times. I always end up doing a drunken impersonation and making my boyfriend turtle.

ahh! i watched it. her crazy laughing is haunting me. it's on a loop in my head.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for writing this. I'm obsessed with retarded people portrayed on screen as sexual beings. The fact that any producer has the balls to call retarded people "cute" - in any context, sexual or not - is mindblowing to me.

Also, my friends and I have had 2 "Riding The Bus" screening parties. Nothing about that film isn't what any aspiring comedy writer could ask for.

OMG, that video ... I have no words.

on a more seriouis note...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DJpczeKtpmI

Slutmachine,

Sadly we all moved away. The last time I saw those lovable retards one of them took a shit all over our toilet.

oh, i was up on the trainables thing a while ago
http://onedatatime.typepad.com/dick_liker/2006/07/from_the_space_.html

hey boober,
you forgot to mention the part where the "clients" come over to the house and took shits everywhere.

Feldman,

Are you retarded? Read above post.

boobers,
please don't use my last name on the internet.

And sorry for missing your second comment, where you explain that fat tony showed us that his bowels are in no way handicapped.

Guess who the chick in the porn clip reminds me of?

Tuna, that's just wrong.


"If they knew any better, I'm sure that retarded people would be insulted."

THAT is dark ...

*laughing*

and I'm not watching the clip. tards freak me out. I sure as hell don't want to watch them fuck.

Close, sm. Very, very close.

um...kimmy? i'm confused. great, now I'M retarded.

I can't stop watching that fuck video.

I almost think Corky looks a little bit like Christopher Walken in that video.

crispin glover's movie "what is it?" is full of people with down's syndrome, including a real-life couple who get it on. at the screening, crispin was far more interested in talking about why he used downs syndrome actors and filmed them having sex than, say, why one of the actors wore black face. lots of snail-melting and fairuza balk running around naked in a monkey mask, plus a shirley temple nazi doll. definitely a freak show to end all freak shows.

still, i'd do him.

oh, i know! i really want to see that crispin glover movie. i tried to go when they were screening it at anthology archives like a year and a half ago, but it was sold out.

i got to meet corky once. he used to come into this video store i worked at many many years ago. he's a complete asshole! like totally demeaning, rude, nasty and horrible to people. no matter how nice we were to him, he just acted like a complete dick.

She-Ra, did you work at Tower Video on West 4th?

This is a really amazing post. You should put together some sort of group screening of films where straight folk portray mental cases.
If I lived in ny I'd help!

need to see more retarded people porn!!!!

also, retarded midget porn, there's not too much of that around either!!

gotta love g~d's little jokes

Why did I watch them fuck? Why Oh Why?

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