"And he's got the icepack on his groin there, so possibly not the old shoulder injury."

Today TDH is all about that most annoying fact of football life: injuries. Shearer showed it really is possible to come back from a hernia operation in just two weeks, though there'll be debate as to whether his slight loss of sharpness came from the procedure or just from age. Owen, fragile Owen, won't return to face Wigan for the revenge match in the Carling Cup. What is it about a groin that's so hard to heal? Countless footballers will have wondered the same thing.

And then there's Emre, who probably caught a chill on Sunday despite wearing enough clothing to look like one of those kids in the snow who can hardly move for all the down padding. Well, let's hope not.

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But of more lurid interest is the blame game at Real Madrid. (They should take lessons from the White House about what game not to play, eh?) The club are now fining one of Luxemburgo's assistants for accusing Guti of faking an injury before El Classico. The Spice Boy came on in the second half as a substitute, prompting Paulo Campos to say:

"Vanderlei said he wanted a scan to see what it was. The medical staff did it and said there was nothing wrong with him. We knew it, we knew it. They try to deceive us in so many ways.

Ah, those crafty galacticos. You'd think they didn't actually want to play football. Yeah, that must be it - after all, it couldn't possibly be that they're old, tired and so overpaid that they don't care about performance.

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And finally, a brief note on L'il Ron the Cowboy's public plea for TH to move from Highbury to the Camp Nou. TDH bets Terry will see if The Goon Show can make it a bit further than usual in the Champions League before he shows his hand. After all, there are some promising young players in North London, and it's hardly a sinking ship.

If the Drummer of Hampstead did move to Barca, someone - probably Giuly - would be surplus to requirements. With Eto'o, Larsson, Ronaldinho, Messi, and Maxi Lopez (who may leave on loan soon), there's more than enough striking power. And Cheeky Bergstein doesn't have the same sort of bankroll as the Nine Billion Dollar Man.

"It's a conflict of parallels."

Ah, the philosophical Fergie. Following along TDH's earlier thread, Sir has now said that he won't be cashing in his chips during the winter transfer window. He claims that his main target won't be available until the summer.

Now, one could merely take Sir's semaphore as spelling out B-A-L-L-A-C-K. Or one could conclude that the Glazers have put paid, temporarily, to their early talk of a 20 million pound transfer pot. Sir's a crafty bugger, and he wouldn't want to seem like he'd been deceived by Ginger Gnome & Sons.

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Who would believe Pippo Inzaghi is 32? True enough, his brief glory days at Lazio were years ago, but still - he'll always seem like the young twit (if you like him, read: poacher) you love to hate. And now there's talk, probably spread by his agent, that he might return to Italy's national squad.

TDH's question is, why? With Gilardino and Toni playing on top form, plus the usual suspects of Vieri, Del Piero, Montella and company, is there really much use for an Inzaghi brother? Some would say he'd make a good supersub. In a World Cup, surely every sub is a top-class player, not an also-ran.

Okay, Maradona of Malawi, wrap that Milan scarf around your head and let's have it....

"He was unlucky, or was it just bad luck?"

What a bizarre match the unfortunate Toon had against the Toffee Pudding. They were unlucky, indeed, not to be 2-0 up after the first half - the ref and linesman missed an obvious penalty, and Shearer had a gilt-edged chance cleared off the line. But whatever Motivational Speaker Souey said at halftime, it didn't work, as Everton scored in the first minute of the second period.

So many strange things could be seen at Goodison Park. Bramble was a rock! Parker's passing was lackluster! Luque skied a free kick into Row Z and then failed to pick out an unmarked Shearer in the box! Despite or perhaps because of these peculiarities, Newcastle never found their rhythm. It was ugly, and they've got the yellow cards to prove it.

All TDH can say is that the Magpies had the better black armbands for George Best. Everton's were made of some crudely applied duct tape that Moyes picked up at the local Ryman's before the match. Pathetic. But so were we... doomed to midtable mediocrity, it seems.

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The lone bright spot in the evening for TDH was in the Sam Bowl, i.e. the match between Uncle Sam's Army and Big Sam's OAP's. The American contingent won the day, with two fine goals from Brian McBride. TDH's fingers and toes are crossed that he stays healthy through next summer.

"I don't know if that result's enough to life Birmingham off the bottom of the table, although it'll certainly take them above Sunderland."

Question #1: Is it over, already over, for Mick's Mackem Muppets? Five points from 14 matches does not bode well. In the Premiership era of 38-match seasons dating back to 1995-96, teams have needed an average of 37.5 points to finish above the relegation zone. (That's not necessarily the average point total for the fourth-from-bottom team, rather, it's the average point total of the third-from-bottom team plus one.)

So the Wearside Wankers will probably need about 32 more points from the remaining 24 matches. Teams that play at that pace for the whole season finish with 51 points. Too bad, Mick, that doesn't sound like your lot. Of course, you'll be saving all your energy for the return leg of the derby on April 17. But by then, the Toon will have the best songs to sing.

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Question #2: Is everyone else out there Luquing forward to Luque's reappearance tomorrow as much as TDH? It'll be interesting to see where strategic genius Souey puts this particularly expensive chess piece. (Here he is sitting down as fellow grand master Alan Shearer, off camera, prepares to play three games at once.) Hopefully Everton will provide a nice way to ease back into football for the Spaniard. Then again, maybe Moyes will just tell Big Dunc to knacker him.

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Question #3: If Fergie doesn't want Ballack, on whom will he spend all the cash the Glazers have offered him? Surely it must go into the midfield. Yet having lost the Vodafone sponsorship deal - and 18 million pounds with it - the Glazers may have second thoughts about that big transfer kitty. Perhaps Sir is just managing expectations?

"I spent most of my money on birds, booze and fast cars. The rest I just squandered."

TDH mourns the passing of George Best, the only man from the British Isles who held a candle to Pele and Maradona. Perhaps one day we'll speak of Wine Hrooney in the same lofty terms, but for now it's just Best.

TDH's dad (one of TDH's dads?) used to say that Best was the finest player he ever watched. He had a special kind of talent, more like Pele's than Maradona's in that he could score from all over the pitch. While Maradona seemed to do his best work with the ball at his feet, Best could pop up anywhere with a bullet header or a sublime volley from distance. And while Maradona and Pele seemed to play for heart or beauty, the man who once turned out for Ford Open Prison did it for sheer guts.

To prove the point, TDH will leave you with a couple of telling quotes from the tragically talented man:

"I used to dream about taking the ball round the keeper, stopping it on the line and then getting on my hands and knees and heading it into the net. When I scored against Benfica in the European Cup Final I nearly did it. I left the keeper for dead, but then I chickened out. I might have given the boss a heart attack."

"I was born with a great gift, and sometimes with that comes a destructive streak. Just as I wanted to outdo everyone when I played, I had to outdo everyone when we were out on the town."

(Thanks to the IFHOF for the quotes.)

"Maybe not goodbye, but farewell..."

NEWSFLASH - Sir Bobby wants the Portsmouth job! Alas, the lack of a fairytale ending to his career on Tyneside seems to be digging Uncle Bob in the ribs. Here's what he told the BBC:

"If the job came along I would take it, even at my age. I still love being on the pitch. It is what I like and what I am good at, and with respect, I am not being egotistical here."

"I miss Saturday afternoons, being with the players, being on the pitch and I miss the thrill of training and playing and getting results."

Er, with respect, that last part troubles TDH a bit. "Getting results" and Portsmouth haven't belonged in the same sentence for years now. But TDH knows the real reason for the Snowy-Haired One's desire to move south. He wants to bench Lua-Lua for scoring against the Toon while on loan! When you're 72, you only have the grudges left....

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As TDH predicted, there is already talk of Keano taking up a player-manager position, perhaps at Pompey. But the League Managers' Association is already muttering about whether he will have his coaching badges in time.

To this, TDH would like to say: bollocks. Teams aren't going to select Coy Roy because he sat some silly exam or studied some brochures with pretty pictures in them. The badges are just a way to control the labor market, keeping it in the hands of the few rather than the many. It's a big reason why we still have a revolving door for wastes of space like Graham Taylor and Wilko.

Some clubs may like the badges because they offer a sort of screening process; each candidate has to show they have some patience and commitment. But there are other ways of demonstrating these qualities, and the clubs might be better off if they set their own tests. As is stands, Premiership teams should be able to pay their six-figure salaries to anyone they want. It's their money, and they can waste it on silly Frenchmen, or even a bloodthirsty maniac, if they so wish.

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Finally, what was it TDH was saying about a young Ukrainian? Milan still haven't qualified for the next stage in the Champions League, but if Sheva keeps scoring like this they'll be hard to stop... except, of course, for the fact that they face Schalke in the final group match.

The German club's own threat from the former USSR also took home a hat trick last night, and against rather better opposition. (He does look threatening, doesn't he?) If he doesn't get hit by a lit flare, it could be an interesting night.

"For all his horses, knighthoods and championships, he hasn't got two of what I've got. And I don't mean balls."

After a scoreless draw with the La Seleccion Amarilla last night, talk has again been spreading of Fergie's job being on the knife-edge. TDH wonders whether this is really true.

With the annoyance of Keano's outbursts now behind them and results finally starting to go their way, why would the Red Mist dump the old boot-kicker? Even if they fail to make the next round in the Champions League, he's still bringing them success in the Premiership. TDH sees little reason to suffer the upheaval of changing bosses before the end of the season.

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Arsenal have grabbed the top spot in their Champions League group with an utterly unconvincing win over Swiss giants Thun. (Amazing how a team from a landlocked country can be named after a fish, eh?) Two points here: 1) without Vieira, the Goon Show's game is even more airy-fairy - they'll be out before you know it; 2) the only advantage in allowing a third-place team like Thun to fall into the UEFA Cup is that we get to see this guy again.

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Michael "Most Disliked Man in the Bundesliga" Ballack seems to be holding out for as much money as possible, by keeping mum while his agent sounds tantalizingly non-committal. But just how much would you actually pay a guy who'll be 30 years old for most of next season? He'll undoubtedly want at least four years with a top club. Being out of contract will help - no transfer fee could mean higher wages - but it's starting to sound like he belongs on a club that's most interested in selling jerseys. And you know what that means.

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TDH has to give Sepp credit. His never-ending supply of hare-brained ideas keeps the mind active and the keyboard warm. Latest in the string: dispensing with national anthems before international matches, on the theory that this will decrease crowd trouble. Come on, Sepp, do you really think it's the music that stokes such xenophobic and violent feelings? I'm sure it has nothing to do with the booze, the fascism of the ultras, or the crummy security measures around most of the world's stadiums.

FIFA's evil genius also mooted a plan to contest international playoffs on neutral territory. As though that would have stopped Mehmet Ozdilek from trying to trip a Swiss player.

Playing on neutral territory would have two advantages, though. First of all, that pesky away-goals rule could be dropped. Second, extra time in the second leg, if necessary, wouldn't imply an overall home advantage to either team. Maybe Sepp's not so evil after all - just a bit misguided. Now, where has TDH heard that before?