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The Mary-Sue Extrusion

The Bernice Summerfield Adventures (Virgin) #18
Robert Smith?

In the following, I've tried to give a full account of my involvement in what  has, for a variety of reasons, become known as "A review of The Mary-Sue Extrusion". I don't know why I bother to write these things down, but I can only hope that they'll form some sort of historical persepctive in years to come - or get me out of a bit of a tight spot in the slightly nearer future.
I made my way slowly onto the large moving public transport vehicle. I jostled with several fat women and used my superior genetic enhancements to secure myself a choice seat towards the back. A famous philosopher once said that there was no better way to travel, but he was talking bollocks, frankly. I stared at the cover for a while. The words "Dave Stone" leapt out at me and I began to feel that familiar stirring feeling in my loins. I'm sure you know what it's like when the very name of an author you've never met can cause you to go all gooey inside.
Begin Attachment:
>From <smithrj2-at-mcmail.cis.mcmaster.ca>
To: rec.arts.drwho
Subject: Spoiler Space
Message begins
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10"
End attachment
If my vast experience as a professional reviewer has taught me anything, it's that bland, turgid works can never match the thrill or excitement of an incredible book, written with considerable panache, twisting and turning all over the place and generally flowing like a lovingly oiled machine. It's always seemed pretty obvious to me, really. And that's why I want to have Dave Stone's love child.
Supplementary insert: They needed something good to follow the climactic  events of Where Angels Fear, in the last days of the twentieth
century and it seems that The Mary-Sue Extrusion was just the
thing.  It hit all the right buttons and answered many questions left by its predecessor.
As I turned the pages, my optical implants continued to scan the text. I must say, I was particularly wowed by it all. My not-inconsiderable interest was captured right from the start and I catapulted myself through an incredible array of prose, description, tangents and asides that just tickeled my genetically enhanced fancy.
Attachment (supplementary): Intergalactic Jury Verdict for the casual reader: "We find the book very suitable for casual readers, your worship. If readers knew nothing about Bernice or her universe, this would serve as a great introduction, not only for the various paraphenalia and populace of the universe, but also for the continuing theme of fiction vs reality" Attachment (additional): "It should be noted, however, that long term fans would find even more rewards in the text of the defendant.
My amusement chip was activated on multiple occasions, but I knew instinctively that this was not exactly a comedy novel. The in-joke alert programme went overboard on a couple of occasions (the reference to scarf wearing time travellers caused a major malfunction), but fortunately, the experience wasn't overburdened by these. I have to admit, they're the sort of thing that lesser authors use when they can't write humour properly, relying instead upon audience identification and snappy juxtapositions to carry the day. I'd kill every bastard who uses them if I had my way.
Supplementary insert:
From: <smithrj2-at-mcmail.cis.mcmaster.ca>
To <dave.stone-at-sgloomi.com>
Subject: You can get away with it this time, you bastard
Message begins
"Dear Dave. I love you. I still think your trademark pointless asides are rather, well, pointless, but I'll let you get away with it this time, not just because they had less irritation factor than usual, but also because you flat out told the disinterested reader like me not to read them! All the best, snookums"
End insert
All in all, I found my reading experience of The Mary-Sue Extrusion to be just about perfect... until the end, that is, when I had to hurl the book across the room, inadvertently hitting several large women on the other side of the aisle. My senses of perfect recall led me back to the beginning, where the words, "the whole thing falls apart spectacularly at the end" leapt out again at me, but provided absolutely no excuse for the whole thing falling apart spectacularly at the end.
Final insert: Read this book. You won't regret it. Even after the lame-o ending.This has been an advertisment on behalf of the Dave Stone Reviewer Testosterone Brigade.