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Monday Nitro
December 13, 1999
LIVE from New Orleans

Hour 1Hour 2Hour 3Composite
3.602.412.602.90

Christopher Robin Zimmerman
Written by: Christopher Robin Zimmerman

I GET LETTERS: John Wenus fills in the gaps with Sorry if you've mentioned this before in some recap I didn't get around to reading, but something just struck me:
Let me take you back to that interview that Vince "The Genius Responsible For Most, If Not All, Of The WWF's Success" Russo did on WL a little while after he left WWF -

I could have sworn he said something to the effect of: 'I didn't leave because of money, it was that it started taking up too much of my time, having to do the extra two hours each week in addition to RAW.'

Isn't he doing Thunder as of this week? Doesn't that make 5 hours a week now? Isn't five hours more than four hours, by approximately one hour? What the fuck?

I think he has now officially contradicted EVERY SINGLE THING he said in that interview. What a piece of shit.

AWARDS: I'm WAY behind. Talk to me next Monday.

QUICK QUOTES: TWX 65 (+ 2 45/128), SPLN 53 31/32 (+ 4 7/32) - everybody makes money! Oh, wait...

WCW logo

Jeff Jarrett beats up Chris Benoit while the TV-14-DLS ratings box ominously looks on. Then the Closed Captioned logo looks on! Then Benoit Opening Credits seem less Jazzy for some reason

HIT THE PYRO! WCW Monday Nitro is LIVE from N'awlins, LA and the N'awlins Arena 13.12.99 - what BETTER way to start out the show than

THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRINCE....IAUKEA (with Tygr--check that, Paisley) v. MAESTRO (with Symphony) - the Artist...formerly known as Prince...........PRINCE IAUKEA!! WOOOOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Remember a few weeks ago when I was complaining about those really short entrances? I take it all back. These guys take about a half hour to get into the ring. You know, I can see why Maestro competed as Gorgeous George III - he's got a real Gorgeous George thing going there - too bad he can't play into that, as opposed to attempting to play the piano. If you care who won this match...well, okay, Iaukea won with a rollup. I mean, the Artists...snicker..formerly known as Prince...chuckle chortle giggle Iaukea! BWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA - oh, pardon me. (1:55) The Symphony vs. Paisley catfight has been postponed. Afterwards, JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET comes out and destroys his first two gee-tars of the evening, then challenges Chris Benoit to a Bunkhouse Brawl tonight. LISTEN TO THE CROWD GO WILD WHEN JARRETT SAYS SLAPNUTS!!!!!!!!!

Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE & BOBBY HEENAN. Tonight: a Bunkhouse Brawl! Tank Abbott returns and takes on Meng! Sid Vicious takes on Dr. Death Steve Williams! In a no-DQ match, Sting & Diamond Dallas Page take on David Flair & the Total Package! Tony says "Power *to* Be" - what the HELL does that mean anyway? The Outsiders are here tonight and they'll take on Bret Hart & Goldberg, the NEW champs.

Speaking of which, Bret Hart is WALKING!

Elsewhere, Kevin Nash is WAITING! (for Scott Hall)

Here's a Special Video Look at WCW, using "Take It" by the ICP as background music - buy a WCW Mayhem CD! PLEASE! They have WAREHOUSES full of them!

Closed captioning where available sponsored by JollyTie popcorn! BLAST O BUTTER!

Evan Karagias is flirting with...Spice? Madusa catches them and then does her impression of Counselor Troi in that episode where that guy sucks the life force out of women, making them really old and really cranky and jealous - you know the one I'm talking about. By the way, Spice is really hot. There, I said it. Now you know.

BRET CLARKE comes out and meanders a bit before getting to Goldberg. Or should I say BILL Goldberg, because Hart insists on saying it EVERY time. "Bill Goldberg." "Bill Goldberg." "Bill Goldberg." "You're not gonna beat me, Bill Goldberg. I'm gonna make one guarantee. I'm gonna make one guarantee. In Starrcade, Bill Goldberg, I'll be standing there with my hand raised right in middle of the air, the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be. Thank you." This cues the music of COLD BEER and yes, we ARE privliged enough to get Goldberg walking all the way from his dressing room to the ring - surrounded by cops, of course - what a pansy! Goldberg sports one of those T-shirts you get when you subscribe to the WCW Magazine - bet they had just a few of those lying around extra to dole out to guys like the 'Berg. Man, Lutz was right - a lot of people DO misspell "you're" on signs! (This in-joke was brought to you by SURGE!) Goldberg HAS THE STICK! Listen to the Professor: "Now unfortunately for you, matches ain't won based on your confidence level. Matches are won by beating your opponent. As of late, that belt's lookin' pretty good around your waist. But this being all business - Starrcade - you gotta beat me man to man. And as sure as I'm standing here, I can guarantee ya, that ain't gonna happen. And not only will you never beat me...YOU'RE NEXT." As if on cue, "Theme from Wolfpac" plays and out come the OUTSIDERS. Didn't I see this LAST week? Scott needs Kevin to feed him "Hey Yo." "Before you two, uh, heroes, get in a fistfight, you know everyone wants to watch it this Sunday - but me and Big Kev been talkin' - you got something that belongs to us - 'cause everybody knows that me and Kev - the Outsiders - we are IT. Because when you mess with the Outsiders, you're messing with the shhhhhhhhhhh-bomb, baby." "It appears to us that you guys got something that belongs to the Outsiders. I'm talking about those tag team belts ya got down there right now." "Down where?" "Down there. So if you two can find it in your hearts to kiss and make up - go ahead - I'll wait, go ahead...how 'bout just a little embrace? Little sumtin' sumtin'. If you guys can find that tonight, then how 'bout you put those tag belts on the line here tonight so the Outsiders - the GREATEST tag team in wrestling history, can walk outta here tonight the Champs - whaddaya say? Now if you don't wanna do it, we can do it the hard way, we can take 'em from ya - whaddaya say?" "You want it, you got it." How come Hart always speaks for Goldberg? Nash says something about having to finish his coffee first.

So they want the tag belts, but the TV belt can kiss my ass? GIVE IT TO REGAL!!

GENE O. works tonight! He talks to Madusa's chest. Madusa says Spice had no business talking to HER man - so she'll wrestle her tonight. That should...no, actually it shouldn't...

Roddy Piper - ARRIVES!

Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim, Rent-A-Center, America (ha!) Online, Stetson smelly stuff, and the Mag-Lite flashlight - made in Ontario!

WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you in part by Western Union Money Transfer!

Total Package - ARRIVES! Coming across Terry Taylor, he learns that he's part of a big tag match - and his partner is David Flair. Taylor's got that "point the way" move DOWN.

Meanwhile, the camera follows a Delivery Man - with a package for David Flair...

MADUSA v. SPICE - And I was like "Don't go there girlfriend!" and she was all "Talk to the hand!" and I was like "you know, not EVEN," and then she was all "That is so NOT WORTH IT," and then EVAN KARAGIAS came out and then Spice sorta charged everybody, then covered Madusa, whose foot was on the rope, but referee "Blind" Billy Silverman counted 3 anyway (1:08) and you can SMELL the ratings! Your cherry on top is Madusa German suplexing Karagias for no apparent reason. Now play my music again! "Girl, PLEASE."

Charlie talks to Curt Hennig - and asks Shane if the remote control is in place. Then Rhonda Sing(h) appears - Charlie says he doesn't talk to people at her level - she needs an agent. Then he asks Shane to go get Piper. RATINGS! RATINGS! RATINGS!

Local promo for Starrcade features a LOT of out-of-date clips - including one of the Giant, for crying out loud! It's been almost a YEAR he's been gone!!

WCW Mayhem: the Music CD ad

Let's Take a Special Look at the Revolution - and Hacksaw Jim Duggan

Gene O. welcomes HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN. He'll defend the flag of the USA as long as there's breath in his body. This guy RULES - you can't kill his heat, and God knows they've been trying. Just when Duggan gets the USA chant going, the lights go out, static appears on the Powers-that-Be-Tron, and ...SOMEBODY punks out Duggan from behind.

Charlie boasts of the power of the old remote control, then tells Roddy Piper that he's reffing a matchup between Curt Hennig and Buff Bagwell. It's in the best interests of his career to *do the right thing.* Wait, how tough should this be? Doesn't Piper have a grudge against Buff?

Buff Bagwell is WALKING!

Sting: Back in Black - Sid Vicious: the Milliennium Man - Nitro Grrls: The Swimsuit Calendar Special - buy 'em! Now!

Total Package is looking for David Flair. This would be funnier if somehow Vito and Johnny were involved...on the other hand...

ROWDY RODDY PIPER comes out to his music. What was it they said about wearing vertical stripes? Strange - Tony just gave away that THUNDER! is taped this Tuesday...

BUFF IS THE STUFF v. CURT HENNIG - didn't they have this match on PPV? Piper says this match is no-DQ. Lockup, armdrag from Bagwell, windmill pose. Lockup, knee, hiplock, windmill double bicep. Lockup, Hennig with a knee and a clubbin' forearm. Knifeedge chop. Bagwell takes him into the corner, slam, 2 count. Hennig argues the cadence, Bagwell with an inside cradle for another 2. Another argument, arm wringer from Bagwell. Off the ropes, reversed, gutshot from Hennig, kneelift. Oh boy! BUZZKILL wants us to save the baby seals! Hennig and Piper arguing again. Lockup, to the corner, right hand from Hennig as Piper tries to get the clean break. Field goal kick. Knife-edge chop. Hennig choking Bagwell with his own necklace. Well, he shouldn't wrestle in it, then. Knife-edge chop, trademark neck snap, Hennig covers and Piper counts a reeeeeal slooooooow 1 before Buff kicks out. Hennig disputes the count and Piper dares Hennig to hit him. Hennig back on Bagwell. Choking on the rope, Piper pulls him off. Head to the buckle. Using the necklace again. Off the ropes, Bagwell with an elbow, gutshot, off the ropes, duck, Bagwell clothesline, gutshot, swinging neckbreaker off the ropes. Cover - 1, 2, no. Scoop - and a slam - a little dance - but he lands on the knees. Right, righr, right, right, Piper interjects himself, now they're staring, Into the opposite corner, Hennig wailing away with rights, again Piper stops him. Hennig turns to Piper again - finger in the chest - Piper decks Hennig into an inside cradle from bluff - 123 quick count, Bagwell wins. (4:55) We see CREATIVE CONTROL waiting at the top of the ramp...

Total Package finds David Flair's room - he opens the door, but hears Flair...singing?

Jeff Jarrett is WALKING! And pulling a dumpster full of weapons with him!

Chris Benoit is also WALKING! And HE'S got a LADDER!

JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET (with TV-14-DLS ratings box) v. CHRIS BENOIT in a Bunkhouse Brawl - Barstool! Barricade! Barstool! Bullrope! Bullshit? Bunkhouse Brawl! The REALLY weird thing is Jarrett somehow LOSES that GREAT BIG DUMPSTER between the time he's backstage and the time he comes out here! Benoit grabs the ladder, and all of a sudden, a hardcore match breaks out! Baseball slide dropkick into the ladder, whip into the ladder, now the other guy gets a whip into the ladder. Benoit sets up the ladder - Jarrett comes back with the bullrope. Jarrett on the second rung of the ladder to try a double axehandle - nope, Benoit puts a fist in the gut. Benoit climbs the ladder, but Jarrett lassoos him, then beals him to the mat. Now, what we've all been waiting for - as you might expect, DUSTIN RHODES comes in with a flip, flop, grab my balls, fly, set up for the Shattered Dreams - referee "Blind" Charles Robinson blocks it - so Rhodes sets HIM up for it. But Jarrett breaks a gee-tar (3) over Rhodes. Fortunately, Jarrett's too hurt to move, so Benoit sets up the ladder for a top o' the ladder splash - but Jarrett pushes Rhodes into the ladder, and Benoit finds no water in the pool as he falls to the mat. Cover, 1, 2, 3. (7:03)

Total Package attempts to talk match strategy with David Flair, who is caressing a headless teddy bear and giggling.

Wow! A Porsche has pulled up! Who's in it? Why SURE I'll sit through these ads to find out!

Promotional consideration paid for by Judge Wapner's House o' Cash, Rent-A-Center (again), Stetson (again) and that's it??

Charlie has words with Piper - then Hennig swings a chair - how come he's better at that than La Parka anyway?

TANK ABBOTT v. THEMONSTERMENG in a "No Holds Barred" match - I wonder who'd REALLY win this match. I wonder when the crowd will get into this match. Well, that double leg takedown by Abbott was pretty cool. Now they're out on the floor. Now they're up the aisle. Referee "Blind" Nick Patrick counts to 10 (DCOR 1:30) and I can't believe I almost got up for this match. Oh boy, I bet they BRAWL ALL THE WAY BEHIND THAT CURTAIN!!

There's the Porsche - hey, it's Khris Kanyon! And a coupla hotties! And...HEY! IS THAT CLARENCE MASON?!?

Jimmy Barron, dude, throws the 1-800-COLLECT Road Report atcha, dude. Starrcade is Sunday, 19 December! PLEASE buy a ticket! Goldberg and Hart! You want to buy it! Please! Interesting to see that NWO shirt there...

Piper looks to get behind that door helpfully maked POWERS THAT BE - spotting a nearby fire extinguisher, he's about to bash the door down when some cops stop him - then walk off with him.

WOW! MENG AND TANK ABBOTT ARE FIGHTING! I AM EXCITED! Let's leave them there and hope they'll still be fighting when we come back to them later

DEAN MALENKO & PERRY SATURN & ASYA (with Shane Douglas) v. HARLEM HEAT - Douglas isn't here to rant, rave and scream - he's here to talk. America knows that he's right, they're wrong, and they can't face facts. Douglas tries to convince me there's no "I" in revolutIon. Hmmm. Anyway, the gist is that Duggan is in deep trouble Sunday. How come it's "mystery" partners, anyway? Say...you don't think the mystery partners might be these other guys here, do ya? As the match starts, the lights go out, and when they come up - Saturn is whuppin' on Malenko - whoops, he must have thought that was MYDNYTE. She legdrops Malenko. Brief tension as Booker T. took a tag that Stevie Ray meant for Midnight. T. becomes face in peril - nice full nelson from Saturn, nice suplex. Tag to Malenko, Booker T. catches him in a uranage. Tag to Stevie Ray, who's all over Malenko. Tag back to T - open shot. Malenko slips under a clothesline and crotches him on top - Asya over to hold him down, Saturn springs off with a crossbody - but T. ducks and he and Asya spill over to the floor! Tag to Stevie Ray, another house afire bit on Saturn and Malenko. Douglas goes off headset and up on the apron - Ray knocks him down. Now Midnight is in. What fun for Malenko to sell for her! Apparently, Midnight hurt her knee following a leapfrog - somewhere in here Malenko gets a rollup on Stevie Ray, and T. tends to Midnight instead of breaking up the pin attempt. I watched it a few times and it looks like Ray kicked out anyway. Very confusing. (4:41) Anyway, Ray and T. have a few words - hey, isn't it a little early to break them up again?

MIKE TENAY interviews David Flair and Total Package - Flair tells Tenay not to touch him and runs away. Total Package gives us a by-the-way - he's filed an injunction and Miss Elizabeth can ONLY work for HIM - not for STING. Then we spy Piper ranting and raving and waving a chair - he laid out a challenge, but I have no idea to WHOM. I'm gonna guess it was Hennig...

Meanwhile, Rhonda's caught up to Clarence Mason - she wants him to represent her, but he only deals with "the BEST Hollywood has to offer..." like Kanyon, I guess. Chavo Guerrero, Jr., who has been overhearing, has some dancewear Rhonda might be interested in, however...

OH BOY! ABBOTT AND MENG ARE STILL FIGHTING! Hey Tank, Say No to Crack!

This portion of Nitro is brought to you by Wrangler! Yeah!

Where's WCW this week? I'm glad you asked! Tomorrow, Mobile for THUNDER! Friday in Daytona Beach, Saturday in Jacksonville - tix on sale for Erie for THUNDER!, Charleston, and Cape Girardeau!

THIS potion of Nitro is brought to you by LUGZ!

Lookit! Paul Orndorff is here! Man, he looks OLD. Mike Graham helpfully points the way to the Powers that Be...

Hey, look! The NITRO GRRLS! But they're interrupted by RHONDA SING(H). This is ... disturbing

Meanwhile, off in the wilderness, Fit Finlay chews out Brian Knobs. Then he makes him do situps in a stream. This is...HARDCORE!

Meanwhile, Norman Smiley (Ricky Williams) makes a wrong turn and ends up in the Block with Jerry Flynn. Magically, the camera treatment switches as

Meanwhile, Meng and Tank Abbott are STILL fighting - and on they're way to the Block! I know this because the camera treatment changes back

Back in the Block, all four men converge - Smiley takes off and Meng follows while Flynn and Abbott start brawling.

For some reason, Smiley and Flynn are the Lugz kick of the week!

Charlie talks with Paul Orndorff - so he's the one that trained Midnight? He's done such a good job with her that he's fired! Orndorff takes a rather large deal of umbrage at the fact that he's being fired for doing a GOOD job, and invites Charlie to kiss his (mute). Charlie decides to book Orndorff in a match with Creative Control...

Goldberg - WATCHES TV!!

Mike Tenay interviews Sid Vicious and a Very Special Youngster. Must.....resist...urge....to....make....inappropriate....joke.... "See, Tenay, knowing Oklahoma and Dr. Death, I thought I would bring my own coach...it's obvious, and it's obvious for you, Steve Williams, that you will be just an example for Kevin Nash to think about...until...Starrcade...."

DR. DEATH STEVE WILLIAMS (with Oklahoma) v. SID VISCOUS (with Seth, a Very Special Youngster) in a suplex vs. powerbomb challenge - Oklahoma says Mike Ditka isn't from Oklahoma, and also he wears women's dresses. The crowd goes WILD! All right, I gotta say it - Seth looks like a little Jim Ross, kinda. Vicious sits Seth down, so Williams surprises him with a double sledge. Punches! Chops! Rights! Not exactly a slobberknocker, despite what Oklahoma says. Williams putting the boots to him. Sid absorbing rights. Suplex? Nope. Sid breaks it. Williams blocks a punch and tries for it again. Sid FINALLY coming back - Oklahoma over to give his boot to Williams - and Williams gets him with it. Hey, VAMPIRO is out and the chase is on. Williams with a lariat on Vampiro, but that was apparently enough time to bring Sid back up - powebormb? No, Williams backdrops Sid instead. Off the ropes, Sid with the big boot. Gutshot - powerbomb attempt - ok. Sid wins. (2:12) Oklahoma in - Sid got him with a chokeslam. But SCOTT HALL is here - Scott Hall is down. KEVIN NASH prevents the chokeslam of Hall and a doubleteam is on. Seth should STOP this! He....oh, sorry. No, really, I'm VERY sorry. Nash powerbombs Vicious.

Interesting...in this Starrcade ad, there's a TV-PG-V ratings box. Are you telling me the PPV's gonna be tamer than Nitro? What's the freakin' POINT then, man?

Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago as Nash powerbombed Vicious - then smiled and dragged on an imaginary cigarette.

Backstage, the medical staff is checking on Sid. Seth looks concerned. Apparently, Sid's neck REALLY REALLY hurts.

Mike Tenay interviews the Outsiders. Sid was talking trash - and he paid for it. They promise to Hart and Goldberg - that - THEY'RE NEEEEXT... then they make funny faces.

THE NARCISSIST & DAVID SAMMARTINO - ERR, FLAIR v. DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE & (THIS IS) STING - Not to give you the impression that only one team in this match has problems - Let Us Take You Back to THUNDER! where Page put Sting in the Diamond Cutter. Flair and Sting start - but Flair won't surrender the bear and crowbar, despite Package's promise that he'll take care of the bear. Sting ducks the crowbar and punches away - it's quickly dropped. STINGER SPLASH! Page wants the tag - he GOT tagged, though. Page in and now he and Sting are fighting. Meanwhile, Package stands on the apron, stuffing falling out of the decapitated neckhole of the bear. Package throws the bear out into the crowd - Flair goes out after it - Luger hits Sting from behind, who was trying to get to Page. Now there's a CROWBAR SHOT! LIZ is out and she grabs the crowbar before Luger can swing it again. Luger goes outside for a chair. Liz covering Sting with her cleavage! I mean, shielding Sting with her body. Meanwhile, Flair's back in, and there's a crowbar shot to the ribs. Liz covers Luger with Sting and that's the match. 1, 2, 3. What happened to Page? "Who cares?" Well, you may have a point. (3:00)

Meng is looking for Goldberg - oh, he's saying "Norman." Hey, did he ever finish with Tank? And why's he looking for Mike Shaw?

Gene O. attempts to interview Kanyon, who know wants to be known as Chris "Champagne" Kanyon - or CCK. Hot damn, it's good to see Clarence Mason back, whatever his name is now. Rhonda enters the frame and asks the agent what he thought of her dance routine - "who are you?" - the agent calls for security to take her off. THEN Bam Bam Bigelow enters the picture, impressed with Kanyon, but Kanyon blows him off by way of a beatdown. "Triad THIS!"

Bret Hart is lacing up! Lookit his BELTS!

TRIPPA B (with TV-14-DLS ratings box) v. CHRIS "CHAMPAGNE" KANYON (with two women, one bottle of champagne and one legal advisor) - "Kanyon, I don't know who the hell you think you are, and I don't know what happened to you out there in Hollywood - but I know that I'm from Jersey, and I don't sell out! It used to be just three guys from Jersey - the Triad - and that wasn't good enough for you, Kanyon, so maybe this ass-whuppin' will be. Get your butt out here!" One of the women slips on the great big C - no WONDER they always cover it when women come out. Kanyon still knows how to sell like a Champ. Apparently we're gonna call him "Mr. Biggs" now, okay. Back and forth match and I'm TOTALLY dogging it tonight. Let's go to Bigelow's top rope headbutt. Biggs up on the apron - distracting Bigelow just long enough for Kanyon to hit a Flatliner - now known as "That's a Wrap" - hmm, that sounds familiar - anyway, 1, 2, 3. (Formula 4:09)

Meng still looking for Norman - who has helpfully left behind a trail of uniform pieces. Oooh! He's HIDING! And SHAKING!

Oh ho ho! Vito and Johnny have BIG PLANS!

Sting has the power of the WCW MasterCard! Can you really keep calling it "All-New?"

THUNDER! ads aren't as much fun when they feature all A-teamers...hey! there's Hogan!

WCW Mayhem: the Music CD spot

Sid Vicious has a new T-shirt! I'll transcribe his speech the next time, I promise! Sid does NOT say "buy the shirt,' however.

Piper rants and raves to Hennig, who isn't around. Apparently, it's a "chair match" and apparently also, Piper's left arm is nonfunctional. Piper says he'll do just fine with one good arm.

DISCO INFERNO & LASH LeROUX v. BIG VITO & JOHNNY THE BULL in a body bag match - LeRoux spins some homespun hometown...stuff. Oh boy, the I-talians come out to a "Theme from Godfather" knockoff. LeRoux and...one of the bald guys start. Stay tuned for Paul Orndorff and Creative Control! Is this a one one one match? Johnny keeps stalking around ringside instead of in the corner. Wow! The Greco-Roman nosh on the nose! I guess this IS one on one - Disco is also outside the ring. There's the FBI universal "I don't like you" pantomime! FROG SPLASH!!! misses. Everybody ducks, now LeRoux with Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine, there's the Bayou Blues or whatever he calls it. Big back body drop, into the corner, elbow, Vito begging off. LeRoux does something Cajun, then pulls him out to the centre. Off the ropes, sidewalk slam, legdrop, only 2. Semi-snap suplex from LeRoux - he's going up top! Elbowdrop. Now Johnny is up on the apron - now Disco is over to take care of him. Disco's got a STEEL chair! Off the ropes, reversed, WHACK on Vito, there's the Whiplash - 1, KICKOUT?!? No way! LeRoux brings the body bag - oh yeah, no pins in this match, right? Vito - very - slowly - gets placed in the bag and LeRoux attempts to zip it up. C'mon Vito, just SIT THERE so we can get out of this. Meanwhile, on the outside, Johnny nails Disco from behind. Ring the bell, LeRoux wins (5:10), but Johnny's in. Say Lash, do you like WAFFLES? Vito is freed by Johnny. Doubleteam beatdown ensues - Johnny using a chain for added punishin'. Vito hits a ... let's call it a 180 Flatliner 'til one of the videogame players tells me what it is. Now LeROUX is placed in the body bag. They're gonna take him to the river! THE RIVER!

This is another portion of tonight's show brought to you via the cables of WESTERN UNION!

When we come back, YES! I'm fulfilling my weekly quota of Vito'n'Johnny Segments! The body bag is laid on the concrete and they put the boots to it. Oh oh, Vito forgot where he parked the car! Yuk yuk yuk! LeRoux unzips the bag and pokes his head out...WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT?!?

MR. #1DERFUL PAUL ORNDORFF v. CREATIVE CONTROL in a Handicap Match - Orndorff does NOT come to the ring to "Simply Wonderful," (it's more like "We Got the Beat") nor is he accompanied by Garry Spivey. Zat guy still alive? It's too bad Creative Control sucks so hard, 'cause their theme music is pretty cool. Good LORD Orndorff looks...well, it's GOTTA be that Johnny Unitas hairdo. Lockup, to the corner, unclean break. Gerald finds himself on the wrong end of the reversal, Orndorff wailing away on him. Gerald #2 comes in and Orndorff takes HIM out, too. Dropkick to the knee! Kneelift! Off the ropes - wiiiiiiinding up, ELBOWDROP(tm)! Gerald #1 back in - he gets in the first knee this time, clubbing on the back, right hand. Orndorff tries a right hand - there's a nice backdrop suplex. Going for another elbowdrop(tm) - hits it! Elbow to the back of the head - there's a shot for Gerald #2 to bring him in and distract referee "Blind" Mickey J. This allows Orndorff to bring out a rope and work a choke with it. Finally, Gerald #2 breaks it up. Gerald #1 with a scoop - and a slam. Elbowdrop (not as cool, natch). A cry rises up from the crowd - for THE ENFORCERS have reunited, and it feels so good. Anderson and Zbyszko take divergent paths, then meet in the centre of the ring. Can three old mean take out two men in the prime of their careers? Well, Orndorff still has a pretty sweet piledriver. 1, 2, 3. (3:05) That was pretty cool. Now, let's NEVER HAVE HIM WRESTLE AGAIN. As the three old men and the ref walk off, referee MARK "SLICK" JOHNSON slides into the ring and grabs THE STICK! "Due to outside interference, the referee has determined that Paul Orndorff is disqualified - therefore, your winners are Creative Control!"

Backstage, the Outsiders talk.

Meanwhile, Piper swings a chair! I keep waiting for him to break out in Gaelic again.

WCW Mayhem: The Music CD - again - again - again - again

Let's Take a Special Video Look at the Outsiders, to Kid Rock's "Blast" - surely THIS will make you want to ... watch another WCW Mayhem: the Music ad

Back outside, Vito and Johnny - chuckle - are back to their body bag. What hijinks could possible happen now? They - snicker - open the bag to find - are you ready? I can hardly contain myself! NORMAN SMILEY! WAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA

CURT HENNIG v. ROWDY RODDY PIPER in a chair match - if you ask ME, and I realise you didn't, but let's pretend you did, I'd have to say it's a CRIME to have a "chair match" and NOT have La Parka involved. Well, ask me again in three or four minutes, I suppose... We are reminded that Piper has a torn bicep and can't use one of his arms. Hennig on him with WHACK, WHACK, WHACK - Piper drops his chair and Hennig clubs him. Now back with the chair - driving it into the gut. Hennig stands the chair up - is he going for Raven's drop toehold? We'll never know - Piper reverses and drives Hennig's head into the chair. Piper hits Hennig's chair with HIS chair! It's noisy but it don't hurt much. Piper sweeps Hennig's legs with a kick so Hennig can do his classic "feet in the air" spot," then he smites him with the chair in the head so Hennig can go out over the top. Mickey J. puts on the count - Hennig FLIPS THE BIRD! and says something that gets muted but I believe starts with "F." Well, I STILL haven't seen La Parka. (COR 1:17) But I got a couple minutes to give this. You tell me. Is the crowd digging this?

There's something going on in the back! If you don't believe them, check out how that cameraman jostles the camera when he finds out he's on! Mike Tenay calls to the cameraman - we need paramedics! Hart's been attacked! Ummm, this MIGHT have been more convincing if we hadn't seen Hart SLUMP down JUST after the camerman entered the room. Goldberg (who we passed on the way in) enters the picture to see if Hart's okay. Lovingly stroking Hart's hair, Goldberg stands over his nemesis - and his partner - with his masculine, hairy chest glistening in the hot light of the cameras...so anyway

When we come back, Hart is still enjoying the complimentary sofa. Goldberg is trying to ask if he's all right. Trainer Danny Young tries to roust Hart while Goldberg wonders aloud who JUMPED Hart. Well, THAT'S a rather unfortunate choice of words, isn't it?

OUTSIDERS v. COLD BEER & BRET CLARKE for the world tag team championship - perhaps if we're lucky, Hall and Nash will say a few words before the match. "Well it looks like Bret Hart's not gonna make it out here tonight - seems that withstand some kind of injury in the back (huh?). So Goldberg, since the Outsiders have done you such a big favour tonight. (TV-14-L ratings box confuses us all), we've made it easy pickin's for you at Starrcade - come on out from the back and hand us these belts so we can be the tag team champs again - come on out here NOW and hand us these belts, you owe us that much." Goldberg, who is watching this on a monitor (always with the monitors where you least expect them), exhorts Bret to "Let's Go!" but he ain't movin' while he knows a camera is on him (and hopefully a few ticks later, just in case) - Goldberg grabs both tag team title belts and begins his long, long walk to the ring. Amazingly, he does all this WALKING without the aid of any of the local constabulary! Goldberg gets in the ring - stares - then drops the titles at their feet. They both look down...so Goldberg clotheslines them both. Right to Nash! Right to Hall! Bootto Hall! Off the ropes, up...and down. Standing side kick to Nash. Hall eats a right and scurries outside to join his partner. Goldberg waits in the ring for the Outsiders - presuming that they want the titles and won't get counted out. Now Hall is back in - lockup, Hall with an arm wringer and his patented shoulderdrives. Yanking on the arm, wrenching it in again, now messing up his (virtual) hair! Goldberg decides this is enough and picks him up and throws him down. Here's some forearms. To the gut - pumphandle - a look for Nash - slam. 1, 2, no. Right hand, Hall spins and drops - then puts up a hand for the tag. Nash is in and Hall takes a different corner just for kicks. Nash with kneelifts, and an elbow. Off the ropes, Goldberg hits a flying shoulderblock (a la Blackman) and knocks him down. There's a forearm. Scoop - and a slam (wow) - 1, 2, nope. Another elbow. Right hand in the abs. Nash takes him off the ropes, and Hall hits him from behind. Goldberg takes Hall to the floor with one right, but he turns around to a big boot right in the mush. Nash adjusts his hair, then tags Hall. Hall stomping away here. Got him in an unfriendly corner - Hall chops and Nash is tagged. Standing on the neck as Goldberg sits in the corner. Here's a right. Laid on the second rope. Time for the Bossman straddle! Nash pulls Goldberg into the center and covers - 1, 2, NO! Tag to Hall. Goldberg manages one gutshot but Hall goes for the eyes. The crowd finally shows some signs of life as Hall hits his chokeslam for 2. Bret Hart is out! I wonder if he'll turn on him! Nope, Hart is all over both Outsiders, who have to sit there and act tired while Hart alternates between them. Side Russian legsweep for Nash! He's going for it! Nash fighting the turn every step of the way - but just as Hart gets him over, Hall breaks the hold. Hall back on Goldberg. Off the ropes, reversed, reverse kik, there's another superkick, Setting up for the spear as Hart pounds on Hall and prevents him from using the title belt as a weapon. FINALLY, Hall staggers up - there's that spear. Unfortunatley, the camera misses Nash taking the tag belt to Hart's left knee. Nash covers (and has his feet on the bottom rope for good measure) - referee "Blind" Charles Robinson decides they're legal - 1, 2, 3...even as Goldberg hits a jackhammer on Hall. Ladies and gentlemen, we have new tag team champions. (6:21) Cue a rather impressive amount of garbage! Goldberg stands over Hart again with concern. WHAT WILL HAPPEN ON THUNDER!? I KNOW! SOMEBODY ELSE WILL HAVE TO REPORT THE RESULTS TO YOU!

Not worth waiting for, was it? Ha!

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