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I have the
distinguished honor of writing this incredibly informative,
hopefully persuasive, essay for my brother's web page on a
particular topic that is very near to both my brother's and my own
heart- dinosaurs. We are fond of discussing many conspiracies
in a world so fond of producing them, and this is perhaps the
greatest hoax that has been perpetrated on the collective human race
by, I assume, a couple of pranksters way back in "the day". To
put it bluntly, dinosaurs are bogus. The whole existence of
dinosaurs is totally made up and has only continued to exist in our
consciousness because of the many pathetic and dastardly purposes it
has served over the years. In this essay I will prove to you
that dinosaurs never existed. As any good argument starts out, we
must attack the very word 'dinosaur' first. Webster's
dictionary defines a dinosaur as "one of a group of huge,
terrestrial, fossil reptiles pecular to the upper secondary
formations, some of them carnivorous". I ask you, what the
hell is that about? A fossil reptile? How can we base an
entire species on dead remains? Its not like I'm talking about
the fossil dog Sparky that's buried in old man Higgins' backyard,
I'm talking about an entire group of animals nobody's ever seen
anywhere in history. The argument of paleontologists,
so-called dinosaur experts, is that they died out about 65 million
years ago. Says who? I want to see one of these
dinosaurs, or else I'm not buying it. The only thing we humans
are going to go on blind faith are God and Santa Claus. No
where in the Bible is the word 'dinosaur' mentioned, and if it
happened back in the day, it's in the Bible. And no one ever
gave me a present under the pretense of the dinosaurs jumping down
my chimney so like I said, I want some better proof. Of course
the proof people say is in the fossil remains. I have ventured
to many a museum to see these old bones that cost of lot of money to
dig up, fashioned in such a way as to seem like an imposing
monsterous creature, but really, who said the bones go together in
just that way? If you gave me the bones I bet I could sit down
and construct a skeletal pirate ship or something equally
inane. To those who rely on reconstructing (and I use that
term loosely) fossil remains as their career, I say- go buy
some Legos or a rubix cube or something. Stop wasting space in
museums where we could make more room for lovely historic costumes
or Elvis memorabilia. In fact why don't we configure those
bones to create a gigantic skeletal Elvis statue? I believe that
would be more interesting than throwing some supposedly extinct
animal together. So a bunch of people found a lot of
unusually large bones in the ground. Do I know what they are
for? No. I don't, Larry doesn't, and neither do you. In
reality, no one does but the difference between us and the
paleontologists and whatever other sordid group involved is that we
don't sit around and guess what they might have been. Imagine
all the time that would be wasted if everyone sat around, digging in
dirt and guessing about the origins of what they found.
Honestly, we as a species have evolved past such an activity.
Some things are just better left in the ground. Another
interesting fact to point out is that paleontologists say that the
dinosaurs were apparently around for about 150 millions years.
That is an awfully long time, but isn't it convenient that they all
died out before the human race began and was able to see them?
And another thing, humans have been on the earth for at least 4
million years, but the first reported discovery of fossil
remains was in 1824. We existed for a long time on this planet
without uncovering the whole dinosaur existence and no one was worse
for the wear. If this world of dinosaurs was so huge and
important, how come it took us so long to find out about it?
Think about it for a minute. Most importantly, you've got to ask
yourself, as in any conspiracy, who stands to gain from this
deception? Those dinosaur experts themselves of course,
the paleontologists. I suppose if they can swindle grants from
you to finance sitting in the dirt in exotic locales and hanging
what really ends up being very bad objets d'art from building
ceilings, then I've got this nice piece of swampland to sell
you. The other groups that profit are the movie and toy
industries, no surprise there. They try to pass over all
manner of crazy ideas on us every chance they get. The toy
industry gives boys the dinosaur junk while the girls get the
impossibly idealistic plastic doll to dress and undress in
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