Bai Ling actually knows there's a presidential race going on and this surprises me. I'm under the impression that she has no idea what the hell is going on outside her own thoughts. She's living in her own world where giant chess pieces were made for posing (below) and shit like that.

At the opening of "Third Eye Blonde" in Malibu last week, Bai gave her thoughts on who should be president. She said she really wasn't familiar with the candidates, but the president needs to have "bigger heart and kindler soul and quietly have the only pure intentions." This is why I adore Bai more than a wet bj. She talks like a a video game anime character. She's right. The president must have kindler soul.

She went on to say that she should run for president. If she was president, she would "demolish all the countries." Bai thinks countries creates war and boundaries. If we didn't have countries, we wouldn't have boundaries. I'm still voting for the Phoebe Price/Shauna Sand ticket, but Bai presents a convincing argument. Who needs countries anyway? And in her countryless world, Bai would most definitely be Secretary of Batshit Craziness.

Evan Rachel Wood must have a thing for washed up fugly ass hatchetfaces. What in the wad of hot Play-Doh hell is going on with Mickey Rourke's face?! His mug must have caught fire and someone tried to put it out with an ice pick. I swear, I'm convinced his face was a gift from Lucifer.

Here's Beauty and the Beast at the premiere of "The Wrestler." at The Venice Film Festival thingee last night. Looks like the poor bastard just spent all afternoon on the pot trying to push out a growling beast of a turd. People just don't get all sweaty and glistening like that for nothing.

If I was an interviewer on the red carpet, I would ask her, "What's it like to kiss your Frankenstein Pepaw?" She would reply, "It's not so bad, It's a lot better than sucking face with your older goth sister. Mickey has experience."

That being said, I would NOT hit it. Okay, maybe I would. But only the tip and only from the back!

In the October issue of Britain's Glamour Magazine, Teri Snatcher aka The Botox Grinch has a little advice for her 10-year-old daughter Emerson.

Snatcher said: "Have great sex and eat the chocolate. Don’t sit on public toilet seats and make sure to floss. … Life's too short to stress; you'll be able to get past anything difficult; the sun will rise tomorrow; you are beautiful; you are lovable."

Snatcher must have read Lynne Spears' inspirational parenting book. The pedos of the world are bowing down to her.

And isn't having great sex and eating chocolate the same thing in certain circles? Gross. Snatcher forgot to tell her daughter NOT to ever mix flossing with oral sex. Click here if you have no idea what I'm blabbing about.

Snatcher went on to say that she also keeps a "goal board" with inspirational notes and images on it. She said: "It's basically a collage of images of things you want to achieve in your life – all written, glued or drawn onto a big piece of paper." Some of the messages on the board include "Don't eat after 7 p.m." and "Dance like a teenager."

Has she seen the way teenagers dance nowadays? The last thing I need to see is Snatcher wiggling her snatch like a video ho.

Snatcher's Glamour interview is just further proof that excessive botox use isn't good for the brains.

VIA People

Solange might have been laughing at the rabid animal sleeping on Beyonce's head (see below), but her big sister got the biggest cackle of the night. You know Beyonce sent Solange out in this holiday disaster. Solange looks like an Urban Outfitters Christmas display gone terribly wrong. That ensemble belongs in the corner of a college dorm room during the holidays. It doesn't belong on a person.

Beyonce totally told Solange she had the perfect outfit for her to wear to Fashion Rocks. Solange should have known better when Beyonce pulled out the dress from a cardboard box labeled "Broke Ass Xmas Decorations." Solange can never win!

Beyonce got Solange again when she made her wear some recycled magazine dress during her performance last night. If you look closely, you can see that the dress was made using Beyonce's old magazine photo spreads. Solange is giving Bey press and she doesn't even know it! The Basement Baby has been duped yet again!

The score is: Beyonce: 1,245 - Solange: -120

What in the "mother of the bride" hell is sleeping on Beyonce's head? Wake it up with a stick. Be careful though, because it might bite your ass. It looks a little hostile.

Beyonce is playing Etta James in a new movie and I guess she decided to keep the act going by wearing her Etta wig during a performance at Fashion Rocks last night. The wig looks more like a cross between Blanche Deveraux and Nancy Reagan. And it looks like wet cornstarch is the only thing keeping that wig on.

You know Solange was cackling backstage with her pocket mouse friend. Solange shouldn't have laughed though. Beyonce already got her ass earlier in the night. More on that later.

During Fashion Rocks, Beyonce joined Mimi, Mary J. Blige, Miley Cyrus and a bunch of other hos to warble through some song called "Just Stand Up." The performance aired during last night's "Stand Up to Cancer" benefit. Basically, except for Mary J. Blige, they all sounded like they had horny hamsters in their throats. When Mary opened her mouth, they all should have politely excused themselves and allowed her to sing the rest. I think Beyonce's wig was trying to make a run for it.

Miley Cyrus should not be allowed to sing....ever again. Bitch sounded like The Chipettes gone reggae. Not a pretty sound.

Here's more pics of Beyonce at Fashion Rocks last night. She also performed with a big fat douche named Justin Timberlake. He should really just go sit in the corner and fuck a bowl of Wheaties.

Dorae Saunders - Tina Turner impersonator, contestant on "America's Got Talent" and the owner of two gorgeous cholita eyebrows. The chola revolution continues!

For Kelly

Foxy Brown (29)
Kerry Katona (28)
Naomie Harris (32)
Justin Whalin (33)
Nina Persson (34)
Justina Machado (36)
Idris Elba (36)
Anika Noni Rose (36)
Dolores O'Riordan (37)
Macy Gray (38)
Ce Ce Peniston (39)
Rosie Perez (44)
Elizabeth Vargas (46)
Jeff Foxworthy (50)
Jane Curtin (61)
Swoosie Kurtz (64)
Jo Anne Worley (71)

MSN got a hold of this video of our Lady of Cheetos shaking her fried ham hocks and whipping her seaweed weave around during a rehearsal for something. It could be for the VMAs, it could be for a concert or it could be for the opening of a Chik-Fil-A. Who knows. She actually looks like she gives two Frapps.

Just in case she is performing at the VMAs this Sunday, we should all make this Cheeto recipe in her honor. I know I've posted Cheeto recipes in the past, but this one is extra special! It will probably make your asshole explode and melt your toilet, but it will be worth it. Click here to get the recipe for Flaming Hot Cheeto Loaf.

Thanks Julie

If Mimi took off those enormous fucking glasses she could probably walk her own unicornie-loving-ass to the car instead of having her man-toy guide the way. He's always holding on to Hello Kitty's #1 fan like she's going to blow away! Although, Nick Cannon is one smart bitch to keep a tight grip on her. When you find a big bag of money, you should never let it out of your sight. Do you hear that, Sarah Larson? I mean, if Jack in "Titanic" was rich as fuck, Rose would have never let go of his hand. Never.

Here's Nick and the rainbow princess out in NYC last night.

It's been a long ass time since I've seen Squinty Zellweger's signature squint out in full force like this. It makes my eyeballs twitch and my mouth crave salty lemons. Nobody squints the way she can! Liza Garza tries, but her squint can't hold a candle to Squinty's squint. Squint!

Squinty was at the Toronto International Film Festival today promoting some movie called "Appaloosa" with a bunch of pepaws. Squinty was asked what it was like filming in New Mexico and she responded, "The tacos are great!" This made Ed Harris and Viggo Mortensen laugh for some reason. That's an inside joke, right? Squinty totally went lesbionic in New Mexico.

Here's more of Squinty with Ed, Viggo and Jeremy Irons. Damn. I guess it's true. People do get old.