Snapes on an Astral Plane

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October 22, 2006 - Lady Darkness (aka SeverelyObsessed) loved Severus Snape, he of the Harry Potter series who is played by that hot guy in the movie versions. Her love of Snape ran so deep, and was so true, that she posted marriage vows to him on her website, as well as a photo of her shrine. At one point, she felt her devotion to be slipping, and thusly renewed her vows.

However, Lady Darkness was not alone.

She had created a forum for her fellow Snape fans, where they could gather and discuss their love of Snape. Among the members of this forum was Snapemaniac, who saw Snape in her dreams and channeled his poetry. Wank happened when Snapemaniac analyzed Snape's faults, which brought a swift response from Lady Darkness.

Then, Narcissam posted her report on these findings and the wankas took off with their bogglement (or lack thereof-- after all, prior to Lady Darkness, wankas had seen the likes of Summoner Yuna/Mrs. Sephiroth, Chrono, and Scottswife, for starters).

Guest Appearances

As with any huge wank report with comments totaling in the thousands, there were several ETAs and guest appearances from the wankers themselves.

Fandom Wank was also treated to appearances by boldface!Snape[1], Lucius Malfoy[2], capslock!Harry Potter[3], "JK Rowling"[4], Inuyasha[5], and Sephiroth[6].

There were even thanks given to Usagi Kou.[7]

Writing Tips, Brought to You by Snape's Wives

  • Netspeak can be incredibly sexy![9][10]
  • And may include throttling.[14]



  • "Severus Snape intimidates JKRowling. This is why she wouldn't want to meet him. She is afraid of him." -Snapemaniac, in her LJ profile as quoted by Narcissam [17]
  • "I also believe that Severus Snape is a spider. That his totem creature is the ever wary spider." - ibid[18]
  • "Hey Rose! Did you know that Severus warned me quite a while back to beware who found out about us believing in him? Plus, more recently, HE told me to beware whoI trust/speak to on the computer. Now I know why. He is something." - Snapemaniac to Snape's Rose [19]
  • "I have read the books but I combine Alan Rickman with Bela Lugosi for the image of Severus. Does this help your imagination? Because you obviously don't have one." - Snapemaniac, responding to the wankas [20]


  • "I'm starting to feel that when someone compares a new wank to the behaviour of Harmonians, the mockery has run its course." - Napalmnacey on page 4, showing a lack of clairvoyance [21]
  • "What." - Eljuno's concise summation of the wank-in-progress[23]
  • "Dear LadyDarkness, SnapesRose, and Snapemaniac:

    Thank you for helping me get all this publicity these past few days. The wankas have made over 4,000 comments on this one post, have written songs in my honor, and have repeatedly admitted my hottness and general amazingness. Some have even been inspired to write bad fic in my honor.

    However, it has come to my attention that, with you lot as followers, I look about as stupid as Lord Voldemort did when his main follower was Wormtail.

    As such, I have decided to end our relationships. It's not me, it's you. I'm so sorry.

    -Severus Snape
    P.O. Box 1
    Astral Plane, Universe
    " - boldface!Snape, (mark 2)
  • "The epic insanity of Lady Darkness really needs to be memorialized, so I propose the creation of an official unit of batshit, named after her.

    One Ladark (a portmandeau -- don't want to use an existing word) is defined as the amount of batshittery necessary to believe a fictional character originating within the last 20 years is real and speaks to you.

    Most wanks can be measured in milliLadarks. This one hits about three." - An anonymouse [24]


Compilations of filk songs inspired by the wank:

The Artwork

Photomanips and more!

  • Totally convincing art, produced by Snape's Wives [27]
  • Snape as Jack Black, found in the internet wilderness by Semirecluse [28]
  • Snape as Fabio, by Semirecluse [29]
  • Touched by An Angel, by Semirecluse (Not Brain Safe) [30]
  • Snape the Pirate Lord, by Semirecluse [31]
  • Snape's restraining order, by Stroppy_prof [32][33]
  • Snape, Astral Planed Salami Master, by MSpaint mousie [34][35]
  • My boredom iz pastede on yay, by LadySphinx [36][37]
  • Panda!Snape, by MSpaint mousie [38][39][40] by request[41]
  • Panda!Bale Snape, sketched by Theartema [42]
  • SnapeWank 2006 banner, by MSpaint mousie [43][44]
  • Alan Rickman/Bela Lugosi, by Mindset [45]

And Of Course... Icons!

  • Delicatessen Gangbang, by Luftballoons [46]
  • Snape Wuvmuffin, by Vergilsparda [47]
  • I've had it with these motherfuckin' Snapes on this motherfuckin' Astral Plane, by Barbie Plath [48]
  • In ur schoolgrounds, by Renuki [49]
  • Snape, are you for real? by Caoilte [50]
  • Snape is for kids by Caoilte [51]
  • Snape thinks of you as potion ingredients, by confusedmousie [52]
  • The Severus is Robust, IN UR HOUSE, and variations, by Chibikaijuu [53]
  • We can't stop here, this is batshit country, by Panthea [54]
  • Wankas do not revere the salami cock, by mercifulsky [55]

But the Littlest Armadillo, feared drowned in CrystalWank

Made it to the end. [56]

The Afterparty

The afterparty hit Fandom Lounge shortly after Snapes on an Astral Plane hit the JournalFen comment cap.[57] There, wankas reminisced about the good old days of Page One and boggled at Snape's Rose's reflections on the whole affair.

The Saga Continues...

November 6, 2006 - Snapes on an Astral Plane Returns! Only a few weeks later, there was a follow-up Wank Report posted by Caito, which detailed the most recent turbulence to hit Snape's harem. A few ETAs, hundreds of comments, and many proposed sequel titles were generated.

December 4, 2007 - Snapes on the Astral Plane 3, The Holiday Movie There is another falling out, this time for realz. SnapemaniacSnape recants his marriage vow to Lady Darkness and kicks her out of the Yahoo group. In case anyone didn't realize how batshit insane these women are, tales of marriage vows and Christmas dinners are posted. There are more filks, a comic, and a C&D filed on Snape's behalf.