8 Poorly Disguised Secret Identities

Sep. 3 4:08 PM by Aaron_Koehn

As a superhero, maintaining your secret identity is paramount to a happy and healthy crime fighting career, and the same can be said for other vocations that utilize alter-egos. Unfortunately, all too often this clandestine identity isn't taken serious enough, and the people employing its use don't go far enough to shore up their secrets. Here are 8 examples of the most poorly disguised secret identities.

8- Angel Grove High School Students

The Secret Identity:

These powerful rangers capable of morphin really favored repeatedly wearing certain colors, and it wasn't by accident that their street clothes proclaimed the same 'tude as their "righteous" personalities. These were bold people with strong convictions, which could only be expressed with a wardrobe consisting of one color.

The Hero:

Once danger reared its ugly head and the morphin began (accompanied by a bitchin' guitar solo), the six mighty rangers--whose superhero costuming was always in the same color as their street clothes--would flip onto the battle scene, perform some kung-fu and then transform back into their identically-tinted school clothes. The pink ranger back into her pink dress, the green ranger back into his sleeveless green polo, and no one was ever the wiser regarding this group of six inseparable friends who were always suspiciously near those massive battles with extraterrestrial robots.

7-The Man Behind the Curtain

The Secret Identity:

As an old man attempting to rule over a world filled with small people, flying monkeys, and assorted morons, you have to simultaneously play to their weaknesses while attempting to cover up your own. Enlarging and projecting your head will serve to scare others, while hiding behind a cloth curtain just feet away from your subjects will allow you to listen to them without wasting your hearing aid's batteries.

The Hero:

To the lethargic and intimidated eye, the Wizard appears as a large, floating, green head, who frequently raises his voice and uses balls of flame along with other theatrics to keep all attention focused forward. Unfortunately for him, dogs forget about fire pretty quickly, and as a result a brave, young Toto revealed that the Wizard's head is not nearly as big as he projects.

6-Don Diego de la Vega

The Secret Identity:

When not carving the letter "Z" into his enemies' garments, Zorro goes by the name Don Diego de la Vega and is a rich nobleman living it up in the colonial era of California. Mr. Diego de la Vega not only demonstrates his remarkable blade ability through constant alphabet engraving, but also by maintaining one of the slimmest pencil-thin moustaches this side of the Rio Grande. And it's probably this very trim facial hair that makes the ladies want to be repeatedly stabbed by Mr. Z's sword.

The Hero:

When evil is afoot, expect this once mild-manner playboy to transform himself into the unrecognizable hero known as El Zorro (which roughly translates to The Zorro). This unfamiliar appearance can be attributed to a black mask being placed over his eyes, and a black hat placed upon his head. As Zorro, he also now wears different clothes than Don Diego de la Vega wore, completely throwing off anyone who may have been becoming suspicious after seeing just the hat and mask. Granted, he is the only man within a 100 mile radius to sport such a thin 'stache, and sure, his voice is not disguised and sounds no different, but it's best not to bring those faults up to a man who has such easy access to swords.

5- Peter Parker (Film version)

The Secret Identity:

The appearance of this character is certainly regular, and besides being unusually ripped for a bookish nerd (you can tell he's bookish due to his spectacles), he blends in well with the other people who haven't been bitten by radioactive bugs. Oddly enough, being bookish in New York City apparently attracts red-headed models, whereas being bookish anywhere else attracts ridicule and physical beatings.

The Hero:

It would be nearly impossible for observers to identify who it is behind that bright red mask if it wasn't for the fact that Spiderman seems so comfortable frequently removing it while in public. I understand that it can be difficult to make out with ladies while wearing such restrictive clothing, but if keeping your identity a secret is important, preventing people from being able to identify your face should be a priority. And does this Peter Parker really think no one's going to catch on to the fact that he's the only guy that can photograph this Spider who is also a man? What's more, it often appears that the shots are taken from places inaccessible to a journalist who can't shoot webs from his wrists.

4- Senator Palpatine

The Secret Identity:

If Joe Lieberman gained about 20 pounds and wore baggy robes instead of ugly suits, you'd have a pretty good visualization of Palpatine. This senior galactic senator from Naboo, basically played the villain in the majority of the Star Wars films and was responsible for making Hayden Christensen talk like James Earl Jones. He also taught us all a valuable lesson regarding the consequences of electing the elderly to important political positions.

The Villian:

While the plot to the Star Wars prequels may have been tough to discern, it wasn't difficult to see that the Senator from the great planet of Naboo was also the power-hungry fiend known as Darth Sidious. As an evil Sith Lord, Palpatine's face goes unchanged; however, he does put the hood up on his robe, which at times casts a bit a of a shadow over a portion of his forehead. Other than that, and the fact that he seems to smile a bit less, there really appears to be no difference.

3-Mark Watson

The Secret Identity:

In Soul Man, Mark Watson WAS just your average white, wealthy, high school student whose life hadn't been nearly as hard as the critiques by the critics who watched his movie, but not everything is perfect in the lives of the rich and powerful. After failing to get into Harvard Law on his own merits, Mark concocts the scheme of changing his skin tone, and then dressing and acting like an African-American man. Thus assuring that he'll get a scholarship specifically designed for minority students. He does get the scholarship (meaning a deserving African-American didn't), and then spends the next 104 minutes subtly mocking the culture and mores of his new racial profile.

The Racial Caricature:

One of the tag lines for the film was, "He didn't give up. He got down" which pretty much sums up the entire quality of the movie. In the film Mark Watson achieves his ethnic look by overdosing on the mythical tanning pills; however, in reality the actor was wearing black face, a style of makeup intended to mock African-Americans. In the end, the movie had a difficult time coaxing laughter out of anyone, and it is largely remembered today for being more controversial than funny.

2-Prince Adam

The Secret Identity:

While the majority of people who know Prince Adam think of him as a weak coward, you wouldn't gather the same conclusion just by looking at him. Prince Adam is ripped, and his strange clothing choices detail this fact. Whether it be the skin tight, long sleeve undershirt that clings to his body like small-town Pennsylvanians cling to guns and religion, or the equally tight purple pants (which may actually just be his skin tone after his large belt prevents adequate blood circulation in his legs). Prince Adam has the physique of a body builder and the style of a color-blind hotel heiress.

The Hero:

Once danger arises and Eternia needs saving, Prince Adam will often subtly sneak into an adjacent room before lighting up like a Christmas tree and screaming out "I HAVE THE POWER." After this statement, an extensive transformation begins. The first noticeable difference is that of Adam's questionable fashion choices. The pink vest and purple pants disappear and what's left is a strange gray strap with a red cross and a loin cloth. This now topless (and nippleless) strong-guy then proceeds to re-enter the room he just exited, somehow surprising everyone with his unexpected arrival.

1-Clark Kent

The Secret Identity:

During the hours of 9 to 5, the Last Son of Krypton can be found slaving away at a desk job for a newspaper, where, due to his office's professionalism, he often dresses in a suit and tie. However, on casual Fridays when his coworkers are able to slip on some short sleeves or maybe khaki shorts, Mr. Kent is forced to continue to wear said suit as to not give away his secret, costumed identity, concealed below his formal attire. And that demonstrates the true curse of being the world's savior: even on the hottest summer days, the Man of Steel is probably wearing three layers.

The Hero:

As soon as the need to thwart some evil presents itself, you can be sure that somewhere, a nearby broom closet or phone booth is being occupied by a large newspaper reporter who is attempting to change his clothes. And you can be sure that during this dramatic transformation from bookish introvert to iconic hero, Clark Kent will remove the one article that would so easily reveal his secret identity: his glasses. Is a mask needed to throw people off Clark Kent's alter ego? No. Just the notion that someone who wears glasses is far removed from being a perfect physical specimen quells any suspicion.