Looking at affairs

I so agree with both of your answers to the woman who wrote in.
if I am attracted enough to someone else then I have to decide if it is worth the cost, In no way could I find honor in myself if i cheated without showing all of my cards to my significant other.

I also might add people are living a lot longer these days/ Is a commitment for life realistic? One could say we have serial monogamy marriage, divorce, re-marriage. Just a thought.

Again I LOVE your response to the affair every lie creates confusion and chaos not to mention the total lack of respect a cheating spouse shows his or her spouse by not fessing up. Thanks/

Posted by: Lisa | June 11, 2008 5:30 PM

In so many of these cases with which you, Neale,in particular, seem preoccupied, the challenge seems to be seeing how it is perfect that such circumstances occur.
Your discussion is always predicated on the idea that they should not have occurred. I find it always serves a more informative purpose to ask, "What purpose is served by these events? Why have the participants called this event into their lives? What might they choose to learn about themselves and others by appreciating the purpose served by seemingly awkward events?"
As you have brought through for our appreciation, Neale: Nothing happens by chance, there is no such thing as random circumstance. In a gracious Universe, all events arise for serving the purposes of observers and participants in helping them to understand One and All. "What purpose does it serve?" frequently points to an obvious answer when "Why" does not. "Observe more." Neale, you wrote that, too.
Namaste.

Posted by: amilius | June 12, 2008 3:23 PM

I had an experience with my wife of 17 years, about twelve years ago my wife connected with her boyfriend from when she was a teenager. He was a divorced man living with two young daughters that were in their teens.

My wife Kathy was so enamored by her old bow that she came to me and told me she wasn’t sure about our relationship and that she wanted to explore the possibility of having a relationship with her old boyfriend Kip.

At first, I wasn’t comfortable with the fact that my wife was thinking about leaving me for another man. At least she was telling me about her affair and wasn’t holding anything back.

I was doing some soul searching at that time of my life and wasn’t satisfied with my relationship with my wife. I loved my wife enough to know that if she weren’t happy then I would try to find a way to bring her the happiness she deserves.

My wife and I are best friends. She and I tell each other everything that is going on in our hearts. I told Kathy that she should explore her heart, go to Kip, and see if he was the man she wanted to be with for the rest of her life.

I didn’t read anything into her need to find her own happiness. I accept her for everything she is and everything she is not. I want her to feel comfortable in her life with anyone she chooses. I didn’t know enough about Kip to make a judgment on whether or not he was good enough for Kathy. It wasn’t my call anyways; I just wanted Kathy to be happy in her life.

Kathy was living in our house during the weekdays and on the weekend traveling 200 miles to be with Kip and his girls. On her vacation from work, she went to live with Kip to find out if he was the one.

After her vacation, she came home and told me how she felt. She said she had always loved Kip and really loved his two girls, she explained that he might be the one and she wanted to go live with him for a few months to make up her mind. I helped her pack her car, gave her a hug, kiss, and sent her on her way.

All this time I was in counseling and my therapist asked me how I felt with her leaving me like that. I told him that I would rather not live the rest of my life with someone who wasn’t positive I was the one for her. I told him that my life couldn’t be full if she doubted herself at least a little bit. She told me if she hadn’t joined a religious community when she graduated high school that she probably would have married and settled down with Kip.

Three weeks past and I got a letter from Kathy telling me that I should start looking for a new place to live; she may not be coming home. I sent her a letter telling her to take more time and not to jump to any conclusions until she was sure. I would be there waiting for her if she decided to come home.
Another month had past, I was eating my dinner on a Sunday night while watching TV and I heard a knock on the door. I looked outside and saw Kathy coming up the steps with her bags in hand.

She was very glad to see me and hugged me ferociously as she stepped through the door. Kathy was crying as she embraced me, that she said that she was home and that she was sure that she was going to stay home.

I let out a sigh of relief and gave her a kiss. She said that Kip was a nice person and her two daughters were great, and he was looking for a woman that had a nice boat and could clean and cook his catch after a long day of fishing. I laughed and told her I loved her and was glad that she had explored her possibilities.

Since then she and I have lived happily ever after. I have had my doubts at times in my marriage, knowing I can express those doubts to her is the most freeing feeling I have ever had in any relationship.

Blessings

Blake Hayner

Posted by: Blake Hayner | June 12, 2008 5:37 PM

Amelius, thank you for putting it so clearly!

Posted by: lucyinlove | June 12, 2008 6:13 PM

Hello everyone,

First of all I have to say to Blake, you are either the most balanced, patient, and loving individual I have ever seen or the most masochistic.

I'll believe it's the former just because it would be nice to have a goal to feel that secure within myself. At present time however, I have no qualms about stating that I am no where near that understanding when it comes to sexual or intimate exploration within a marriage...weekends on weekends off kind of stuff.

What Neale stated in terms of honesty and everyone having 5 cards, etc...couldn't agree more. Thank you Neale.

It seems that Blake and his wife did exactly so and Blake, being the individual he is, chose to remain available. I'm impressed. I honestly have to say that at this point I'd be causing more damage to myself and eventually to my wife by remaining available for that kind of thing and trying to deny the pain inside that this would cause.

Different people...different circumstances. Kudos to Blake.

"Affairs" as they stand and as Neale stated are dishonest by definition. The destruction this causes to everyone involved and even in the periphery is immense and the scars not, "can"... but do...last a lifetime.

I do so desire my wifes happiness and also do desire my own...Thank You God. If my wife wanted to explore, the marriage would end as abruptly as possible and she would be free to explore all she wanted to. Same goes for me.

This sounds like I have had some experience with infidelity...yes?

Indeed.

I've healed.

Wanna see my scars?

*smiles*

Peace, Patrick

Posted by: Patrick | June 12, 2008 11:31 PM

I agree with everything Neale has said. It is always an issue of integrity.

There are so many reasons why affairs happen, and they are all spiritual in nature. Both people in the relationship contribute to its energy as a whole. Affairs don't just happen out of the blue - the breakdown of the relationship occurs a long time before the affair starts. Enter person #3. This changes the dynamic.

Remember the interview with Princess Diana wherein she stated, "Well, there were 3 people in this relationship..." ?

Not all marriages will survive an affair - because they are not meant to and the reasons were present before the affair and the marriage would have broken apart anyway.

Unless you are one of the 3 people, it's not your lesson to learn, not your karma, not for you to evolve through.

Posted by: Lana | June 14, 2008 2:19 PM

Neale,

My current partnership began as an affair. Regardless of the beginnings of our relationship being less than ideal according to society, this is the most loving relationship I have ever known because he knows and loves himself as I know and love myself.

He was married in the legal sense of the word when I met him. There was no relationship or life in their relationship for over a decade. They slept separately. It was a comfort zone for them "financially". There were patterns of emotional and verbal abuse from his wife also.

We would do things differently if we could turn back time, and then again we wouldn't. It happened just as it was supposed to happen.

Sometimes what we leave behind in our lives, will help other people find their way. She also needs to move out of her comfort zone and he needed to take back his power.

She asked me recently, "what if he does the same thing to you". I told her, "he is free to love whomever he loves". I put no conditions on our relationship. If he is with me only because of a piece of paper, then I don't want him to be with me. I want him to be with me because he desires my company, because he loves my heart, because we have a common spiritual bond.

I know some people will make judgments surrounding our relationship but I have to tell you, this relationship is bar none the most loving relationship I have ever experienced. We are no longer trying to please everyone else around us. What truly matters is how we feel about ourselves.

Yes, we learned a lesson though. The lesson is be honest with yourself and be honest with others. Don't worry about what others will think or say about you. Allow real love into your life.

He went from feeling like he was cheating on her with me to feeling like he was cheating himself by staying in a loveless relationship. He realized his value and he realized real love when he saw it.

Posted by: Carrie | June 17, 2008 8:38 PM