KERRY, you were right. Actually you were almost right.
You should have pulled Australia's Naughtiest Home Videos off air after maybe five minutes, not waited the 34 minutes that you did before you rang from home and famously shouted to "get this s . . t off the air".
Kerry Packer's demand to the network he owned, and which was his passion, on September 4, 1992, was more than a tycoon exercising his power just because he could.
It was the sensible decision of a man who had just watched 34 minutes, give or take an ad, of animal penises. And animals having sex. And people having sex. And people sticking toilet paper up their bottoms and lighting it. And more animal sex. And even more animal penises: roo penises; monkey penises; bear penises; impressive walrus penises; even more impressive donkey penises.
There were so many animal penises this show looked like a menu for another night of fine dining by The Daily Telegraph's Editor At Large Garry Linnell.
About the only time we didn't see animal penises was when the animals involved were putting their private parts to the use nature intended, or when animals were eating their own excrement.
The notoriously foul-mouthed Kerry was possibly not swearing out of habit when he said "get this s . . t off the air". He may have been making a literal demand, considering the amount of excrement featured.
Channel Nine's airing of the show on Thursday night was spruiked, with a fair degree of predictability, as the show Kerry Packer wouldn't let you see.
A nice piece of marketing, but also another "up yours" to a man who at least lived and breathed television, by the faceless suits who are now dumbing down his empire.
Doug Mulray reportedly refused Nine's plea to front the show again. It may have been that Uncle Doug is now embarrassed to be reminded of this endless video loop of crap and his Benny Hill-esque double entendre.
Or it may be that Mulray, a very smart man, knew he would have been open to a few cruel comparisons between the relatively youthful Mulray of 1992 and the solitary Mulray of 2008. The years have not been particularly kind.
The most entertaining part of the entire show was Mulray's magical mullet and jeans so tight his sperm count must have been under threat, and the audience's hair. My god what hair! The big hair and huge perms were far more fun than the sixth clip of a kangaroo licking its own scrotum.
At least Mulray, to the best of my knowledge, has not taken the route travelled by the man who Nine enlisted to front the show on Thursday night: Bert Newton.
If there is anything more disturbing on tele than a walrus penis it is the sight of a 70-year-old man with shiny, static face devoid of lines but connected to the neck of a turkey.
But maybe Bert was perfect for the part of fronting a show full of the strange relationship between animals and their penises. After all he's had so much "work" that surely his genitals are up around his ears.
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