CrystalWank

From Fandom wank wiki

April 16, 2004, and ongoing:

The longest thread on Fandom Wank in its time on JournalFen, and the occasion for a lot of anonymice finally getting JF accounts.

It started out when Crystal Gamgee tried to pass off a de-watermarked photo as the original photograph, and got booted from a community. It was also pointed out that Crystal had a website of "sketches" of the LOTR actors, which where actually just photos which had been run through graphics filters (they had been "Photoshopped"). The humour of all this, plus Crystal's continued wanking in the thread, lead to a snowball effect of more and more people posting comments, with people eventually commenting just to reach another milestone in numbers of of comments or pages, and the rest is history.

Contents

The Long Version

The Beginning

In the spring of 2004, Crystal posted a photo of her hand holding a photograph.[1][2] She claimed to have a print of the original photo from Getty Images, which she got from a "friend" who worked as a photographer for Getty.

However, what she posted was not an original print, but a badly de-watermarked version of that photo.[3] After being caught in this initial lie by the fan who did the de-watermarking, Crystal threatened to report the detagging to Getty Images. The photographer "friend" also commented (assumed to be a sockpuppet, as he used Crystal's trademark misspelling, "apperciate").

Once the initial kerfuffle made Fandom Wank, more wank was uncovered and explored. Crystal had used image manipulation software to put herself in photographs with some of the stars of the Lord of the Rings films. Furthermore, she had pictures of the actor Dominic Monhagan at her apartment, which were quite obviously fake.[4]

Additionally, she sold "sketches" of Dom on her website, which were clearly photographs that had been manipulated to look like sketches, again using image manipulation software (and, you, too, could buy one for only $10!).[5][6][7][8][9][10] As proof, some wankas made various examples of "sketches" using Photoshop, and posted them in the thread (but most of these are now gone, as people have changed their hosting locations).[11][12]

How many comments? Why?

Initially, Crystalwank's exploding comment count was fueled by two things: first, Crystal's own efforts to defend herself in the Fandom_Wank thread, which only led to more wank and mockery in the comments; and second, the ancillary wankiness that was uncovered by the commenters after the initial post. Crystal had been a busy girl. In addition to everything mentioned above, wankas found that Crystal had claimed in various forums that she had met LOTR actors, who told her they'd read and loved her fan fiction; she said she continued to be in touch with the actors through email and IM. Letters "signed" by LOTR actors were found in her website's guestbook.

As well as faking photos of the actors in her apartment, Crystal had faked photos of herself at LOTR premieres. Wankas found many self-aggrandizing posts from Crystal about the popularity of her fan fiction and "artwork", including a story from Crystal about meeting someone at a bookstore who, by sheerest chance, had read her fan fiction. Crystal was not to be outdone by HP fandom; there was even some plagiarism!

However, most of Crystalwank is incredibly off topic, and after the tenth page, it's dominated by "OMG HOW LONG IS THIS GOING TO LAST?" comments for the remainder of its 76 pages. People continued to comment just because of the legend of CrystalWank, and were only stopped months later when the JFA upgraded to LJ's newer version of the journal software (that limited posts to 5000 comments). Even though the JFA later increased the limit to 11,827 (as discovered by lol meme), CrystalWank's 13,269 comments can never be matched by any other wank, past or future.

The Memes

  • My hed iz pastede on yay: Originated in this comment by shinigami_co. Eventually, somebody from DL_Anon got wind of Dom's involvement in this wank, and created an icon in which Dom's head was pasted onto Elijah Wood's crotch. It was something that had to happen, given the fact that the thread dealt with heads being manipulated into positions not their own.
  • Supernanny: When the wank broke, Crystal was allegedly out of town. However, her "nanny" was around to make sure that all posts and "sketches" were taken down. The nanny was then dubbed "Supernanny" for going above and beyond the call of duty for her employer.

The Aftermath

Following the event, many people who had lurked at Fandom Wank decided to get JournalFen accounts, and some already at JournalFen bought paid accounts to help pay for the server load. This influx of n00bs eventually led to a lot of low-quality wank, and was a contributing factor to the non-creation of the Cabal that doesn't exist, as well as contributing in a very small way to Deletegate.

Also Known As

  • The Wank That Ate The Universe
  • The Wankocalypse
  • One Wank To Rule Them All
  • The Great Wank of '04

Famous Quotes

  • "Small(ish) and of course, stopped for now cause deleted..." -- the start of anatsuno's original wank report
  • "It's not about you actually being in any way an important or interesting person. You know Thanksgiving? Where all you American-types gather around a large roast bird every year? Not actually in honour of the turkey. It's just the stupid fucker that gets torn to pieces and eaten. And bitch, there's a new turkey every year." -- diamonde, after Crystal wondered if there'd be a holiday in her honor
  • "YOU MOTERFUCKING RETARD. I know what the TOS says, I fucking wrote it!" -- ZR to Crystal
  • "10:31 EST: 2,306 comments. It's totally like staring into the sun. And having the sun stare also into you." -- a comment made on that first magical night.

Icons!

Links