> The original thread can be found here.

Downloadable version: .doc format

Since this is rather long, I've broken it up so that you can find your place easier if you can't read it in one sitting.

  1. NuhBoo
    1. Opening Crawl
    2. Amidala Confronts Newt
    3. Journey Through the Planet's Sore
    4. Getting a Transport
  2. Patootie
    1. Approaching the Planet
    2. Jab Jab and Sebulbous
    3. Mani Works on His Shod-Racer
    4. The Day of the Race
    5. First Brightsaber Duel
  3. The Capitol Planet
    1. Meeting with Valium
    2. Senate Hearing
    3. Mani Is Denied Training
  4. Back to NuhBoo
    1. Talk On the Ship
    2. Meeting with Boss Nasty
    3. Final Battle
      1. Glubglub's Emergence
      2. Bludgeon's Entrance
      3. Mani's Flight
      4. Li-Gon's Death
      5. Control Ship's Destruction
    4. Li-Gon's Funeral

The Phantom Menace: Humorous Version

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...
It is a time when people are greedy (when
aren't they) and the evil TRADE FEDERATION
is up to no good. They have set up a
blockade of the tiny planet of NUHBOO,
because they're upset over being taxed.
Wait a second... a Star Wars movie that's
about some tiny planet being invaded? How
important IS this planet, anyway? Will it
really make a difference? Anyway, The
CAMEO of the Senate has dispatched two
JEDI to meet with the VELCRO and bring an
end to the blockade....


The camera (yes, there's a camera, even if this is an NES, and NOT a movie) sweeps down over a star-filled field of... well, stars. It's space. A republic cruiser flies in towards the federation blockade.


LI-GON: Tell them we wish to land at once.

PILOT: The ambassadors for the chancellor want to be seen at once.



The cruiser flies into the chief ship.


The two Jedi, still cloaked, walk into the meeting room together, being led by a droid which looks like C-3P0 did in the holy trilogy, except this one is silver. The two Jedi take off their hoods. They're Liam Neeson and Ewan McGregor... er, Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi.


OB-EWAN: I have a bad feeling about this.

LI-GON: That's clever, because your first line is an immediate reminder to all the Star Wars freaks out there of a line that's used often in the original trilogy, which will make them happy. But don't worry, my young paddleone, the Velcro is a coward. These negotiations will be short.

OB-EWAN: It's not about this mission, master, it's something... elusive. And what's a paddleone?

LI-GON: Well, it's the word George Lucas created to mean Jedi apprentice. He invented waaaaaaay back in an early draft of the original Star Wars movie.

OB-EWAN: Oh. You are wise, indeed, Master.


Newt Raygun and Dolt Doingfine stand, stunned, before NOTC-3P0.

NEWT: Whhat? Whhat did yhou saay?

DOLT: Godzilla!

NEWT: Not yhou!

NOTC-3P0: The Ambassadors are Neeson and McGregor, I believe.

DOLT: Hi knew it! Thhey where sent to fhorce a settlement, eh. Blind me, we're done for!

NEWT: Okay. (pokes out Dolt's eyes)

DOLT: Aaaah!

NEWT: Stay calm!

DOLT: Stay calm?! You just put my eyes out, you stupid--

NEWT: I'll wager the Senate isn't aware of the Supreme Cameo's moves here. Go. Distract them until I can contact Lord Chin.

DOLT: Are you brain dead?

NEWT: I can put out more than your eyes, you know.

DOLT: Aaah... good point. You!

NOTC-3P0: Yes?

DOLT: Sort it out, will you?

NOTC-3P0 lets out a squeaky sign and walks off, pausing as one arm falls off.


Li-Gon and Ob-Ewan sit at the large conference table.

OB-EWAN: Is it in their nature to make us wait this long?

LI-GON: No... I sense an unusual amount of fear for something as trivial and uninteresting to the audience of devoted eight-year-olds as this trade dispute.

OB-EWAN: I mean the stupid waiter!

NOTC-3P0 enters with a tray of drinks.

LI-GON: I told you you should have been patient.


Newt, Dolt, and Rune Viiking are before the hologram of Darth Chin, a robed figure whose face is ineptly obscured by a ridiculously large hood.

DOLT: This scheme of yours has failed, Lord Chin. The blockade is finished! We dare not go against these actors.

DARTH CHIN: You seem more afraid of the audience than you are of me, Doingfine. I am amused. Velcro!

NEWT: Yes, my Lord?

DARTH CHIN: I don't want that sack of parrot droppings in my sight again.

NEWT: Yes, my Lord.

Dolt pees himself, then drops dead of combined fear and embarrassment.

DARTH CHIN: This turn of events is entirely predictable. We must accelerate our plans, Velcro.

RUNE: Eh, my Lord, how many clichés can you cram into one scene?

DARTH CHIN: Quiet, you! Velcro, begin landing your troops.

NEWT: Ahhh, my Lord, is that... legal?

DARTH CHIN: Well, er... no, not exactly, but I figure... (recovers composure) Never you mind!

NEWT: O-kaaay... and the Jedi?

DARTH CHIN: Make a futile attempt to kill them. We need some sort of dramatic tension here.

NEWT: Yes, my Lord.


The Republic Cruiser sits still. The two bad actors inside realize something is wrong- considering there is a huge cannon pointed at them. Just to wake the audience up the ship explodes- rather loudly.


The two Jedi immediately jump to their feet. Gas begins entering the room.

LI-GON: Gas!

OB-EWAN: Sorry, I shouldn't have eaten that mustard!

LI-GON: We haven't time for that now, my young paddleone. (looks at Ob-Ewan) Move your saber, for heaven's sake, you can't see around it like that!

OB-EWAN: Sorry, Master.


A hologram of Newt, surrounded by tinker drones, appears in the hallway.

NEWT: They must be dead by now.

TINKER DRONE 1: Then how can we have a plot?

NEWT: Well, I... ah, hell, open the doors.

The door opens and a cloud of gas comes out, followed by NOTC-3P0.

NOTC-3P0: (seeing tinker drones) Holy shit!

NOTC-3P0 drops the tray and runs screaming down the hall. While the tinker drones are all staring at the retreating NOTC-3P0, the two Jedi emerge from the smoke and start hacking and slashing, Ob-Ewan narrowly escaping death several times due to his excessively flashy fighting moves.


Alarms are going off all over the place, making it impossible to hear.

NEWT: What in blazes is going on down there?

RUNE: What? You wore a blazer and your underwear?

NEWT: What's underwater? Speak up, man!

RUNE: No thanks, I just ate.

NEWT: We're not late, we're on schedule! WILL SOMEBODY TURN OFF THOSE FUCKING ALARMS!?!?

No one can hear him. Newt sighs, pulls out a laser pistol, and blasts a control panel. The alarms stop.

NEWT: Now, what were you saying?

RUNE: Ahhh, sir... (points to the ruined control panel) You just opened all the defensive barriers between the Jedi's location and here.

NEWT: Well, I... Oh, shit!


Li-Gon and Ob-Ewan continue to knock the crap out of the tinker drones. Li-Gon walks up to the bridge door and gives it a good solid kick. It falls down with a mighty crash.

NEWT: Aw crap! Release the destroyer droids!

Two tricycle-shaped droids come rapidly down the hallway, stopping and unfolding into a laughable imitation of a threatening battle pose.

OB-EWAN: Master! Destroyers!

Li-Gon turns from where he has Newt and Rune backed up against a wall with his saber at their throats.

LI-GON: Oh, goodie.

He grabs Rune and tosses him into one of the destroyer droids, which keels over and falls apart.

LI-GON: Cheap Nemoidian-made crap. Come on, my young paddleone, let's go.


Li-Gon and Ob-Ewan come out of a ventilation shaft and drop twenty meters to the floor. Ob-Ewan twists his ankle on landing, and Li-Gon hits a stack of boxes.

OB-EWAN: Damnit!

LI-GON: Ouch!

They drag themselves to a position where they can see thousands of tinker drones entering landing craft.

OB-EWAN: It's an invasion army.

Li-Gon gives him a look.

OB-EWAN: Okay, a rather pathetic invasion army, to be sure, but still an invasion army.

LI-GON: This is an odd play for the Federation. Stow aboard a ship, we'll meet down on the planet.

OB-EWAN: But why on earth would we want to do that, Master?

LI-GON: (rising) To keep the plot moving.


WHAT NOW: Sir, we're receiving a transmission from the planet.

RUNE: It's Queen Patme Naberrie Amidala or whatever they're calling her this week herself.

NEWT: At last we are getting results.

On the crappy viewscreen, Queen Amidala (or whatever) appears in her throne room. Wearing a massive and elaborate headdress that makes Princess Leia's double buns look like cornrows, she sits, surrounded by the governing council and four handmaidens, Dopey, Happy, Grumpy, and Sneezy.

NEWT: Again you come before us, Your Highness and/or Majesty. The Federation is pleased.

PICARD: Yes we are.

AMIDALA: You will not be so pleased when I finish these quasi-royal circumlocutions and get to the point, Velcro. Your trade boycott of our planet has ended.

Newt attempts to smirk, finds that the shape of his head doesn't allow it, and gives up.

NEWT: I was not aware of such a failure.

AMIDALA: You are unaware of many things, Velcro. Like the thirty trained assassins sneaking up behind you right now.

NEWT: What the hell!?

He spins around, panicked.

AMIDALA: (giggles) Made you look! (coughs, returns to the flat Royal voice) I have word that the Senate is finally voting on term limits. And this blockade of yours.

NEWT: I take it you know the outcome already - I wonder why they bother to vote.

AMIDALA: Because, Velcro, they're paid by the hour.

NEWT: Ahhh, I see, yes...

AMIDALA: Enough of this pretense, Velcro! I am aware that the Supreme Cameo's ambassadors are with you now and that you've been commanded to reach a settlement.

NEWT: (breaking into a cold sweat) I know nothing about any Ambassadors, especially not two Jedi being played by an Irishman and a Scot. You must be mistaken.

Amidala, not buying it for a second, eyes him carefully.

AMIDALA: Be careful, Velcro. The Federation has gone too far.

PICARD: No we have not!

NEWT: Your Majesty, Highness, or whatever, we would never do anything without the approval of the Senate unless we were commanded to by a mysterious dark figure in a robe. You assume too much.

AMIDALA: We will see. For our royal optician comes tomorrow.

The transmission ends.

RUNE: She's right, the Senate will never-

NEWT: It's too late for that now. We have to have a plot, you imbecile!

RUNE: Do you think she suspects an attack?

NEWT: She suspects everything. We must move quickly to disrupt all communications (pause) down (long pause) there.

RUNE: Why the pauses?

NEWT: Damn this appliance! Damn the creature shop!


The Queen, Dopey, Sneezy, and her Governor Some Babbler, stand before a hologram of Senator Palpitatine, a thin, kindly man who sounds a hell of a lot like Darth Chin.

PALPITATINE: How could that be true? I have assurances from the Cameo, his Ambassadors did arrive. It must be (the transmission begins breaking up) a... get... nego... large fries...

The hologram sputters and fades away.

AMIDALA: What's happened?

Captain Shatner turns to his sergeant.

CAPT. SHATNER: Check the... transmission... generators!

BABBLER: A communications disruption can mean only one thing. A plot device.

AMIDALA: The Federation would not dare go that far!


CAPT. SHATNER: The... Senate would... revoke their trade franchise... and then they'd... be finished!

AMIDALA: We must continue to rely on negotiation.

BABBLER: If you say so, President Carter. We've lost all communications! And where are the Cameo's Ambassadors? If this is a consular ship where are the ambassadors? How can we negotiate? We must prepare to defend ourselves.

CAPT. SHATNER: This is a... dangerous situation, Your Majesty or Highness. Our security volunteers in... Nutcracker outfits will be... no match... for a whole bunch of Federation tinker drones.

AMIDALA: I will not condone a course of action that will lead us to war.

The sound of fighters flying overhead is heard. One wall of the throne room explodes.

BABBLER: (testily) I think it's just a BIT late for that, Your Majesty.


Six landing craft fly in formation toward the surface of the planet. One of them goes pixelated for a moment before recovering.


Three landing craft (what happened to the other three?) descend through the cloud cover, which mysteriously parts to let them through with a nice wide margin. Ob-Ewan's head emerges from the mud of a shallow lake.

OB-EWAN: (frantically wiping his head clean of mud and small amphibians) Gaack! Ptuh! Blech!


A vast army of tinker drones moves out of the swamp (Why the hell did they land there in the first place?) and onto the plains, tripping from time to time. OOM-PAH, sitting in his tank, is taking orders (for whatever odd reason) from holograms of Rune and Newt.

RUNE: There is no trace of the Jedi. They probably stowed aboard a landing craft.

OOM-PAH: How can you be sure sir?

RUNE: How many times do I have to tell you, you fool, we have to have a plot!!

OOM-PAH: Oh. Right.


Li-Gon runs through the swamp, with lots of animal-like CGI running around him, away from the mechanical-like CGI. Up ahead, there is a major character CGI.

JAB JAB: Oh my god!

LI-GON: Get down, you stupid piece of CGI!

Li-Gon runs and knocks Jab Jab down. The robot CGI tank hovers over them.

JAB JAB: Oh, mooie mooie, mesa love yousa! Mesa called Jab Jab Rinks! Mesa your humble marketing potential!

LI-GON: (with an "Oh God, what next" expression) That won't be necessary.

JAB JAB: Oyi, mooie mooie! Narf! Poit! Egad!

LI-GON: Are you brainless?

JAB JAB (nodding cutely): Uh-huh.

LI-GON: You almost got us killed!

JAB JAB: I spake.

MONTY PYTHON MONK: And Saint Attila spake, saying, "O Lord, bless this thy Hand-Grenade, that with it--"

LI-GON: Look, clear off, will you? (to Jab Jab) The ability to speak does not make you intelligent.

Li-Gon smiles slightly as he considers what he just said.

LI-GON: Now get out of here!

JAB JAB: No! No! Mesa stay! Mesa yos humbule comic relief!

LI-GON: That won't be necessary.

JAB JAB: Oh but it tis! Tis demunded byda guds! Tis a live debett, tis.

LI-GON: (pauses) Say what?

JAB JAB: Mesa stayin wit yous trought de whole entire moovie!

LI-GON: That won't be necessary.

Ob-Ewan enters, being chased by two STAPLERS.

LI-GON: Get down!

He pushes Jab Jab to the ground and destroys the two STAPLERS with his brightsaber.

LI-GON: What's wrong, Ob-Ewan? Why didn't you use your saber against the STAPLERS?

OB-EWAN: I can't tell you that, master.

LI-GON: Why not?

OB-EWAN: That scene didn't make the final cut.

Meanwhile, Jab Jab trips over a root and falls into a hole in the ground.

JAB JAB: (o.s.) Mooie mooie! Wesa discover lost city of Atlantis! Mesa just lucky, mesa dinks.

OB-EWAN: What's that?

LI-GON: One of the shameless ploys to make more money off of this film. Come on, let's go.

JAB JAB: Exqueeze me! Safest way be tru da Glubglub city.

LI-GON: Can you take us there?

JAB JAB: Um... no.

LI-GON: Then why did you tell us about it in the first place?

JAB JAB: So usen can say really funny line to scares me.

LI-GON: Funny line? Okay, how about this one... a Jew, a nun, an Italian, and Adolf Hitler walk into a bar...

OB-EWAN: Master, let me try. You hear those sounds, Jab Jab? Those are the sounds of hundred very bad things, coming to get medieval on your CGI behind.

LI-GON: That wasn't very funny.

OB-EWAN: Sorry Master, it was the best I could do on short notice.

JAB JAB: Umm... exqueeze me.

LI-GON: Yes, but honestly, you could at least have tried to top the "ability to speak" line.

JAB JAB: Pardon mesa, sirs--

OB-EWAN: Look, don't look at me! Talk to GL if you want to complain about this stupid thing!

JAB JAB: (roaring) HEY YOUSA!!

Li-Gon and Ob-Ewan jump back.

JAB JAB: (reverting to his usual cute self) Whatsa yousa talkin about?

LI-GON: Nothing important.

OB-EWAN: (walking towards Jab Jab) Now, show us where this city is (leans forward and gets right in his face) or I'm not going to wait for the thousand terrible things to get here.

JAB JAB: Eeehhmm... okeyday. Follow my!


Jab Jab leads the two Jedi to a lake, where he leaps into the water, doing a spectacular triple-flip with a half-turn and a perfect landing.

OB-EWAN: If this guy's such a klutz, how come he can do such an amazing dive?

LI-GON: Beats me. Come on, we need to follow him.

OB-EWAN: How are we supposed to breath underwater?

LI-GON: Use the JediBreather on your utility belt, Boy Paddleone.

OB-EWAN: Holy plot convenience, Jediman!

LI-GON: What did you just call me?

OB-EWAN: Jediman. You know, like Batman, with the utility belt, and all the other... (he trails off) Oh, forget it.

LI-GON: You know, Ob-Ewan, I worry about you sometimes.

OB-EWAN: (muttering to himself) Yeah, whatever, you old fogey.

LI-GON: What was that?

OB-EWAN: Uh, I said, 'Let's get going.'

The two Jedi follow Jab Jab into the lake, where they swim towards the huge underwater city of Oompa Loompa.


Glubglubs in the square scatter when they see the strangely dry Jedi. Four guards armed with Jurassic Park taser poles ride three-legged faartus into the square.

JAB JAB: Heyodalee, Cap'n Carpal, mesa back!

CAPT. CARPAL: Noah Wylie, Jab Jab. Yousa goin tada Pointy Haired Bosses. Yousa in big doodoo dis time.

Capt. Carpal gives Jab Jab a zap from his taser. Jab Jab turns black with soot and falls over.

JAB JAB: (wheeze) How (cough) wude.


BOSS NASTY: Yousa bring da CGI mekaneeks. Theysa cheap labor. Wesa no like dem.

LI-GON: We must warn the NuhBoo that the Federation is coming.

PICARD: Ha-ha!

BOSS NASTY: Wesa no like da NuhBoo. Dey tink dey peni... er, brains ah so big.

OB-EWAN: Even though you have absolutely no contact with each other ever, you and the NuhBoo form a symbiotic oval. What happens to them will certainly happen to you. They will unleash a thousand terrible...

LI-GON: (cutting off Ob-Ewan) You already said that. (to Boss Nasty, waving his hand) These aren't the droids you're looking for.


LI-GON: You don't need to see my identification.


LI-GON: Move along.

BOSS NASTY: Ok, wesa help you just to get rid of you! Wesa give you a tambourine to go through the Planet Sore.

LI-GON: (to Ob-Ewan) Remember that trick... someday it could save your life and the future of this franchise.

OB-EWAN: Yes, Master. What's a tambourine?

LI-GON: An instrument. Hopefully they use the name for a transport.

They begin to leave. Jab Jab looks at them with big puppy-dog CGI eyes.

JAB JAB: Da planet sore is bad mojo.

Li-Gon, even though he has only been annoyed by Jab Jab so far, decides to help him, mainly so the cute little fella can stay in the movie the entire time.

LI-GON: What is to become of Jab Jab Rinks?

BOSS NASTY: Hesa to be killed, but we can't say that because it might scare the little kids, so wesa just say hesa gonna be pyoonished.

LI-GON: I saved his life, he owes me a life debt.

BOSS NASTY: Rinks? Yousa owe him da life debbet?

Jab Jab sadly, but cutely, nods yes.

BOSS NASTY: Good! Now wesa be rid of you forever! Go!


The two Jedi and the floppy eared wimp are escorted to a large dome, half filled with (or half empty of) water. Floating in this water are a number of paddle boats with small cymbals attached in pairs ringing the outer edge.

JAB JAB: Mesa no wanta go through planet sore! Itsa all gooey.

LI-GON: Would you rather stay here and be killed?

JAB JAB: No, but mesa gotta whine some sosa thosa kidsa out there know we gonna get in biga bada boom trouble.

LI-GON: That's a good reason. Now they know, so let's go.

They start to try and board a super size paddle boat, but a guard stops them.

GUARD: That will be three Francs.

OB-EWAN: (waving a hand) Republic credits will do fine.

LI-GON: Hey, that's my line.

OB-EWAN: Not yet it isn't. You'll get your chance with the Toyblufly. (muttering) Bet ya screw it up too.

LI-GON: My young paddleone, you need to stop muttering. Give the Guard the credits.

Ob-Ewan does, and the three intrepid adventures get in the boat. Li-Gon sits in the back, leaving Jab Jab and Ob-Ewan to paddle. A CGI dome comes up over their heads, and they paddle out toward the Planet's Sore.

JAB JAB: Ewwwwwwwwwwwww.

OB-EWAN: What?

JAB JAB: I was actually making a comment on our impending entrance to the disgustingly named Planet's Sore.

OB-EWAN: (surprised) Why don't you talk that clearly all the time?

JAB JAB: Mesa alway talken da clearly. Yousa just nota always understan good.


JAB JAB: Dis is nutsen!

OB-EWAN: (passing him a packet of complimentary peanuts) Oh, sorry, want some?

Li-Gon hits him sharply on the side of the head.


LI-GON: Enough of that!

OB-EWAN: Yes, master. (muttering) Some day I'm just gonna--


LI-GON: Enough of that too!

JAB JAB: Whysa you hittin yousa paddleone?

LI-GON: Why not?

Ob-Ewan growls.

JAB JAB: Yousa Jedi pitty cawazy, yousa knowen dat?

OB-EWAN: Master, why do you keep dragging these pathetic lifeforms along with us?


OB-EWAN: (cont.) AAAGH! I was just asking, Master!

LI-GON: Rinks is our comic relief, my young paddleone. We need him to grab the attention of the eight-year-olds.

OB-EWAN: Ah, I see... (to Jab Jab) Here, take over.

JAB JAB: Hunh? Where wesa goin?

OB-EWAN: (nastily sweet) You're the navigator, buddy.

LI-GON: Relax. The Force will guide us.

JAB JAB: Ooh, maxi-big da Force--

VOICE OF DARTH VADER: You bet your sweet earflaps it is.

JAB JAB: AAAIIEEE!! Whatsa wuz DAT??

OB-EWAN: (looking around nervously) Heavy-handed foreshadowing.

JAB JAB: Ugh. Mesa hopin wesa gonna see no morea dat!

LI-GON: Not likely. Wait until we get to (closes his eyes for a moment, haunting Force music starts up) Manakin and Patme's scenes.


Li-Gon closes his eyes and concentrates. Haunting Force music starts up again.

LI-GON: I have no idea.

OB-EWAN: (muttering) Figures.



Li-Gon and Ob-Ewan, along with Jab Jab, move through the Planet's Sore. Jab Jab continues to be annoying, but the 8-10 year olds and 40 year old women watching are laughing like loons. Then, the Moby Sea Killer starts chasing the boat, and bites down on the back. Unintelligible screaming from Jab Jab. Ob-Ewan steers the Tambourine and tries to regain control.

VOICE OF ALEC GUINNESS: Use the Force, Luke...

OB-EWAN: Who the @#%! is Luke?!

ALEC GUINNESS: Oh, sorry, I'm only recently dead, and I haven't gotten the hang of this yet. Don't worry, you'll make it out of this...

Then, Godzilla comes out of a cave, and attacks the Moby Sea Killer. Everyone just sits there, unimpressed.


LI-GON: What? Oh, right! There's always a bigger fish.

JAB JAB: Duh. Gee, mesa thought that yousa Jedi were supposeds to be all wise and smartsa, but you didn't no see the Fishy thingsa? Mesa real impressedededed.

Ob-Ewan then tries to do the Strangle trick on Jab Jab, but Li-Gon stops him by doing the same trick to Ob-Ewan.

OB-EWAN: Master, why did you stop me? Don't you know that if you had let me kill him, the real fans of Star Wars would worship me?

LI-GON: Yes, paddleone, but if you kill Jab Jab, who is going to wipe out the entire droid army by accidental maneuvering?

OB-EWAN: Ah, I see your point.


Newt and Rune stand talking with a hologram of Darth Chin.

NEWT: The invasion is on schedule, my lord.

CHIN: Good. I have the Senate bogged down in procedures. (hint, hint) By the time the incident comes up for a vote, they will have no choice but to accept your control of the system. Do you have anything else to report?

RUNE: Well, uh, you remember those Jedi that you told us to kill? Thing is, we kinda--


NEWT: (nervously) --were wondering what you wanted us to do with the corpses! Of the dead Jedi. Whom we killed. As you instructed.

Chin glances suspiciously at Newt. Which is really tough, since we can't see his face.

CHIN: Very well. Keep me informed.


At this point all kinds of huge fish attack the ship, and each one is killed by a larger fish. And Li-Gon says each time, "See, told you, there are always bigger fish." Jab Jab won't stop screaming, so Li-Gon reaches up and touches his shoulder.

LI-GON: Relax.

Jab Jab collapses in his seat, barely conscious.

OB-EWAN: I don't think you gave it enough punch. Let me try.

Ob-Ewan completely knocks Jab Jab out, and then tries to hit the eject button on Jab Jab's seat. Of course, Li-Gon, the party pooper, stops him.

LI-GON: A few of the Glubglubs will be killed under Jab Jab's direction in the droid battle, so he's not a total waste.

OB-EWAN: Ah... can I serve the Dark Side by just killing them all? I'm willing to risk it...

Li-Gon just sighs, and the tambourine heads into a small side passage.


A transport shaped vaguely like a medium order of french fries sets down in Tweed Plaza. Newt and Rune disembark as OOM-PAH approaches.

OOM-PAH: Sir, the Queen has surrendered.

Distant sounds of kicking and screaming.

NEWT: Ah, wictory!

Newt ducks as a sharp piece of headdress flies past and beans Rune.

RUNE: Aw, fuck!


Paradise. Billowing clouds frame a small romantic body of water. Pull back to reveal that this is a mural on a wall, and that the sub is actually coming up in a scummy industrial waste pond.

JAB JAB: Eww, dis smells stinkowiff.

LI-GON: Shut up, will you?

They climb on shore, only to be greeted by a tinker drone.

CDC: Drop your weapons!

OB-EWAN: Not gonna happen.

CDC: I said, drop your--

Ob-Ewan draws his brightsaber and does six spins, two somersaults, a handstand, and a triple axle, finishing by cutting the droid's head off.

OB-EWAN: I said, not gonna happen.


Queen Amidala, Some Babbler, and five handmaidens, Dopey, Happy, Patme (aha!), Grumpy, and Sneezy are surrounded by tinker drones. Captain Shatner and four redshirts are also held at gun point. Newt and Rune lead the group down the stairs.

BABBLER: How will you explain this invasion to the Senate?

RUNE: Uhhmmm... he has a point, sir. The Senate would never approve the use of ground troops.

NEWT: Shh! The NuhBoo and the Federation will forge a treaty--

PICARD: Ah, a diplomatic solution. Excellent.

NEWT: --that will legitimize our occupation here.

SABE- I MEAN, AMIDALA: I will sign no treaties.

NEWT: Ahahaha. Why do you think I said "forge" a treaty?


NEWT: Now, now, Your Highness... or Majesty - oh, whatever. You're not going to like what we have in store for your people. In time their suffering will persuade you to change your point of view.

RUNE: Ahh, sir, how are we going to make them suffer?

NEWT: Quiet you fool! We're just going to tell her they're suffering.

RUNE: Ah, I see.

NEWT: (to OOM-PAH) Commander!


NEWT: (attempting to be sinister) Process them.

OOM-PAH: Yes sir. (turns to his sergeant) Take them to Camp Four.

BBC-TV: Roger roger, Roger.

CAPT. SHATNER: You can't... force us to... go against our will.

Newt gestures to OOM-PAH, who gestures to BBC-TV, who gives Captain Shatner an almighty thwack in the head.


OOM-PAH whips out a blaster and vaporizes redshirt #1.

OOM-PAH: That's what you get for being a redshirt who follows Shatner.

SHATNER: Why you--

BBC-TV hits him again. He goes unconscious again. The group is led off down the stairs.

PATME: (to BBC-TV) Thank you.

BBC-TV: Sir?

OOM-PAH: Yes sergeant?

BBC-TV: Why did I just get all gooey inside?

OOM-PAH: Probably the climate.

BBC-TV: Ah. (looks after Patme) That must be it.

OOM-PAH walks away. BBC-TV heaves a rusty-sounding metallic sigh and follows him.


As the Queen and her handmaidens, guards, inner circle, court jesters, and 15 other people who just hang around, (because I mean, she is the frickin' queen) are led through the Tweed Square, the two Jedi and Jab Jab are above them, on the overpass.

LI-GON: We must free the Queen!

OB-EWAN: Why? Oh, right, the plot...

LI-GON: We'll jump down on them from that convenient walkway.

OB-EWAN: Man, that Queen is pretty hot, I bet she'll be impressed by me swinging my brightsaber around and expending energy that I don't have to.

JAB JAB: Mesa just hangs from the walkway and be of no helps to youse. Okeday?

As the Queen and her posse are led to the overpass, Jab Jab hangs from the walkway, Li-Gon hops down, and Ob-Ewan backflips off, lighting his saber, and kicks off the wall on his way down, kicks one droid while cutting three others in half, uses the Force to knock two down, lands, shoves Li-Gon out of the way, and destroys three other droids that his master was about to. Li-Gon puts his brightsaber away, and lets Ob-Ewan continue to act like this is a John Woo flick and destroy everybody. After the contrived battle, Ob-Ewan lights a cigarette, and asks Some Babbler if he has any smack.

LI-GON: Let's get off the street, your majesty...

JAB JAB: These Jedi are bombad!

Captain Shatner, who along with the others has been picking up weapons from the fallen droids, smacks Jab Jab with the butt of the gun.

SHATNER: Bombad... is not... a word.


LI-GON: We are the Cameo's Ambassadors.

BABBLER: (really snotty) Your negotiations seem to have failed.

OB-EWAN: Yeah, well, you have a big nose like an alcoholic, and you look like you should be in a pirate movie.

Ob-Ewan then proceeds to make out with one of the handmaidens.

LI-GON: We must make contact with the Cameo.

BABBLER: We lost all communications, that can only mean one thing: INVASION.

LI-GON: Uh... it can mean more than that, but since there is an invasion, I'll give you that one. Do you have transports? and please tell me that it's not another Tambourine.

SHATNER: We keep... our transports... in the hangar... where... do you... keep them?

LI-GON: We better get going, Ob-Ewan can't go for more than five minutes without doing some outrageous and unnecessary move with his saber. (turning towards the queen) Come with us, your Highness. There is something wrong here, they will kill you if you stay.

OB-EWAN: (muttering) Gee, what fantastic deductive powers.



AMIDALA: No, I must stay here with my people.

PATME: Excuse us for a moment.

Patme grabs the Queen's arm and drags her off to the side. She then slaps the Queen a couple of times, and can be heard calling her a dimwitted moron. The two come back to the group.

AMIDALA: Um... the Queen has- I mean, I have changed my mind. I would be glad to accompany you to Coralchant.

Patme clears her throat.

AMIDALA: With my trusted handmaiden, of course. (muttering) Damn! Almost got rid of her.


OB-EWAN: Why did you just slap the Queen, master?

LI-GON: I hate it when people mutter.


The door opens to the main hangar. Li-Gon, Ob-Ewan, Jab Jab, Capt. Shatner, four redshirts, three handmaidens (Patme, Cache, and Rabe), two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree, followed by Amidala, head for a sleek chrome spacecraft which bears a suspicious resemblance to an SR-71.

CAPT. SHATNER: We... need to free... those... pilots!

OB-EWAN: I'll take care of that.

Ob-Ewan heads toward the group of captured pilots. Li-Gon and the rest of that bunch approach the group of tinker drone guards.

LI-GON: I need a piece of paper.

CAPT. SHATNER: (searching pockets) Will this do?

LI-GON: What is it?

CAPT. SHATNER: My cue card.

LI-GON: O-kaaaay...

BBC-TV: Where are you going?

LI-GON: (waving the piece of paper past BBC-TV's eyes at lightning speed) I'm the Supreme Cameo's Special Diplomatic Ambassador Attaché from the Diplomatic Office of the Inspections Department of the Supreme Cameo's Office of... uhh... Diplomatic... Inspections, and I'm taking these people to Coradent!

BBC-TV: Uh, where are you taking them?

LI-GON: To Coranscent.

BBC-TV: Coranscent... that doesn't compute... wait, you're under-- hey, is that Patme?


BBC-TV: Aw, gee... ummm... you folks just go right ahead.

The group boards the spaceship.

PATME: (smiling) Thank you.

BBC-TV walks woozily away and doesn't notice as Ob-Ewan does a series of excessively complex martial-arts moves on the other drones, the pilots rush to the fighters, and every ship in the hangar takes off and heads for open sky.

BBC-TV: She spoke to me... she smiled at me--

BBC-TV suddenly notices a copy of Playguard open to a centerfold of Patme, and passes out.


All ships freeze and come back.

GL: The pilots go with the queen and leave their ships here.

AMIDALA: But we will need their help running the blockade.

GL: No, you need their ships here as a reason to split up the group when you get back. I gave you the spare R2 units for the blockade.

ARTOO: whistle, beep, raspberry.

LI-GON: (waving his hand) You will let the pilots escort us out.

GL: That doesn't work on me, Liam, so just get them all in your ship, and head out to meet the future apprentice of the Emperor!

LI-GON: Yes, sir.

Ob-Ewan starts snickering.


OB-EWAN: George, he hit me again!

GL: Fine, fine, just get those ships back in the hanger.

Everything back as it was supposed to be, the sleek cross between the Flight of the Navigator ship and an SR-71 Blackbird swoops out of the hanger and does a class three manure. Umm, I mean, move.


OB-EWAN: Jab Jab, I know you'll get into trouble wherever I put you, so I'll stick you in with the most intelligent character in the movie that isn't evil. He'll take care of you.

JAB JAB: Mesa besa good!

OB-EWAN: Do I look eight-years old to you?

Jab Jab considers.


OB-EWAN: I can see what Li-Gon likes about that whacking thing.

He throws Jab Jab into a little room with a bunch of inactive R2 units and closes the door.


The pilot, Rick Oily, navigates through the blockade.

OILY: Our communications are still jammed.


LI-GON: No kidding, you moron.

OILY: I'm going to get in closer to one of the big ones.

PATME: Closer!

OB-EWAN: Closer?

OILY: Yeah, that ought to do it.



The NuhBoo spacecraft speeds toward the central Federation ship, under heavy fire.


Jab Jab pokes clumsily around the R2 droids. He taps one on the head and it explodes.

JAB JAB: Mooie mooie! Mesa no liken Pinto droids!


OILY: We're coming up on the blockade.

OB-EWAN: Master, can I?

LI-GON: (considers) Sure.


OILY: Oww!

OB-EWAN: (snickers) Cool.



LI-GON: A Jedi craves not these things.


A stray burst from the Federation Ship damages the SR-17.


OILY: Shield generator's been hit!

OB-EWAN: Well, if they managed to get through our shields with a single shot, I guess the generator's not that important, now, is it?


LI-GON: Quiet, we need this scene to introduce another character and add some dramatic tension.

OILY: Deploying repair team.

LI-GON: See, what did I tell you?


The astropop droids pop up onto the exterior of the NuhBoo spacecraft from slots that look suspiciously like a toaster oven and move over to the surprisingly neat hole where the shield generator has been fried. One after another, they are blown away by the guns of the Federation ship, making quite humorous squealing noises.

OB-EWAN: We're losing droids fast.


OB-EWAN: What the hell?!

PATME: I'm tired of people continually restating the obvious around here.


Soon, only one droid is left, R2-D2. Looking around, Artoo notices that a switch labeled, "TURN SHIELDS BACK ON" He flips the switch.


The shield displays spring back to life.

OILY: That little droid-- uh, never mind.

LI-GON: (smiling) You're learning.

OILY: Shields at full.


LI-GON: Admit it, you asked for that one.


The NuhBoo ship safely passes through the blockade (boy, that was easy)


OILY: We're losing power. We don't have enough fuel to get us to Coruschantus.

OB-EWAN: Here, master. I've managed to search the entire galactic planetary database within the last two seconds, and I think I've found a planet we can go to.

Li-Gon joins Ob-Ewan at the navigator terminal.

OB-EWAN: (cont) Patootie. It's a small planet, with absolutely no purpose whatsoever.

SHATNER: Then why... would we take... the Queen... there?

LI-GON: To raise hundreds of continuity issues, like why Darth Vader doesn't seem to recognize his homeland in the fourth episode.

SHATNER: Are you sure... it's safe?

OB-EWAN: It's controlled by Pizza Hutt.

SHATNER: You can't take... her highness there! They will... force her to make... commercials!

OB-EWAN: (looking around) You know, it's been awhile since someone got whacked.


LI-GON: There, you happy?



Newt, Rune, and Grem Porfis sit, for no apparent reason, around a conference table with a hologram of Darth Chin.

NEWT: We control all the cities in the North and are searching for any other settlements.

DARTH CHIN: Let me get this straight, Velcro. Since we last spoke, you've conquered the polar regions?!

NEWT: Uhhh... ummm... (points frantically at Grem) It was his idea, My Lord!

GREM: Oh, you bastard.

The hologram of Darth Chin does that neat pinching thing with his hand. Grem chokes, clutches at his throat, and collapses noisily to the floor, spewing spittle about.

DARTH CHIN: Now, as for Queen Amdilara - Adlimami - Dalailama - Alimada - Armadillo - what the hell. Has the Queen signed the treaty?

NEWT: (quietly) Oh fuck. (louder) She has, erm, disappeared, My Lord.

DARTH CHIN: Well, find her, you stupid, groveling, reptile!

NEWT: Her ship got past the blockade, and it's out of our range. It's impossible to locate her.

DARTH CHIN: (with genuine menace) Not for a Bith.


DARTH CHIN: Damn! (trying again for genuine menace) Not for a Sith.

A second Sith Lord appears behind Darth Chin. His fiery tribal tattoos, horns, spikes, hooves, claws, and fangs together give an impression of overwhelming overkill.

DARTH CHIN: This is my apprentice, Darth Bludgeon. He will find your lost ship.

The holograms fade off. Darth Bludgeon's fades in again just long enough to grin at the audience before fading off again. There is a sudden crack and a muffled curse, the fading image leaps and tilts to one side before disappearing completely. Audio remains and we hear:

DARTH CHIN: Stupid apprentice! I told you not to go so damn close to the camera! Now look what you've done!

DARTH BLUDGEON: (Whines) Sorry Master, I didn't mean to...!


DARTH BLUDGEON: Awwww, Master!

The connection cuts off completely.

NEWT: This is getting out of hand... now there are two of them!

RUNE: And are they going to kill a flunky every time they appear?

NEWT: (looking at Rune thoughtfully) Hmm...


Li-Gon, Ob-Ewan, Captain Shatner, and R2-D2 stand before Queen Amidala and her three handmaidens, Patme, Cache and Rabe.

SHATNER: ...the worst piece... of beat-up junk... I've ever seen in my life. Somehow... it managed... to get our shields... back up.

AMIDALA: Amazing. What is its number?

Artoo lets out a series of bleeps. Captain Shatner leans over and tries to scrape some dirt off the droid's side.

SHATNER: There's... a lot of carbon scoring... around here. Have you... been in many... battles?

Suddenly, Shatner falls back as Artoo leans forward and begins projecting a hologram of a young woman.

WOMAN: Help me, Ob-Ewan McNobi... you're my only hope.

Everyone in the room turns to stare at Ob-Ewan.

OB-EWAN: Uh, Artoo? Wrong movie.

Artoo beeps an apology and shuts off the hologram.

AMIDALA: He looks like he could use some repairs.

Her gaze travels around the room, landing on Patme. She smiles wickedly.

AMIDALA: (cont) Patme?

PATME: (through clenched teeth) Yes, your highness?

AMIDALA: Clean this droid up as best you can. It deserves our gratitude.

Patme is glaring daggers at Amidala, but the decoy- I mean, the queen, ignores her.

AMIDALA: (cont) Continue, Captain.

Captain Shatner looks uneasily at Ob-Ewan and Li-Gon.

LI-GON: We are headed for a remote planet called Patootie. We will make a short stop there to refuel, repair, and grab the Chosen One.

SHATNER: Your Highness... er, Majesty... I do not agree... with the Jedi. Patootie is... controlled by Pizza Hutt.

Amidala looks over at Patme. The handmaiden is gesticulating wildly and mouthing the words 'Don't go there!' Amidala looks back at Li-Gon and smiles.

AMIDALA: Very well, then, Patootie it is.


Patme sits grumbling amidst a huge pile of filthy rags. Her hair is disheveled, and her face is covered with dirt and grime. Artoo is in front of her, now spotlessly clean.

PATME: (muttering) Stupid, stuck-up little brat. She won't get away with this. Nobody treats me like this and gets away with it. For pete's sake, I'm the frikkin que-

JAB JAB: Hidoe!

Patme jumps up, startled. Jab Jab seems embarrassed to have startled her.

JAB JAB: (cont) Sorry. No meanen to scare yousa.

Jab Jab smiles cutely. Patme grabs a hydrospanner and decks him with it, knocking him to the floor.

PATME: Don't you ever sneak up on me again!

Jab Jab cringes. Patme does a double-take, finally noticing what Jab Jab is.

PATME: You're a glubglub, aren't you? (Jab Jab nods) What the hell are you doing on my shi- er, the queen's ship?

JAB JAB: Me no know. Mesa day starten pitty okeyday witda brisky morning munchen. Den boom... getten berry skeered, un grabbed dat Jedi, and before mesa knowen it... pow! Mesa here. (he shrugs) Getten berry berry skeered.

Patme stares at him.

PATME: What the hell did you just say?

Jab Jab shrugs.


Li-Gon, Ob-Ewan, Captain Shatner, and Patme watch over Rick Oily's shoulder. A large yellow planet fills the viewscreen.

OILY: We're coming up on Patootie.

Ob-Ewan and Li-Gon both draw back their hands, but Patme beats them to it.


LI-GON: Land near the outskirts. We don't want to attract any attention.

OB-EWAN: Won't they have radar?


LI-GON: Quiet, you.


The ship heads towards the planet of Patootie.


The NuhBoo spacecraft lands in the desert in a swirl of dust. The spaceport of Mos Espa can be seen in the distance.


Ob-Ewan is down underneath a floor panel, examining the hyperdrive. (Don't ask what it's doing down there instead of in the engine room) Li-Gon walks in dressed as a farmer.

OB-EWAN: The hyperdrive generator is gone. We will need a new one.

Li-Gon leans in close to Ob-Ewan, lowering his voice.

LI-GON: Don't let them send any transmissions. Be wary... I sense a disturbance in the Force.

OB-EWAN: (nodding gravely) I feel it also, Master.

Li-Gon walks out the door, dragging Jab Jab and Artoo behind him. The minute he leaves the ship, Ob-Ewan jumps out of the pit, sits down on the nearby couch, kicks his boots off, and turns on the TV.

OB-EWAN: Thought he'd never leave.

The Queen enters the room, and stares curiously at Ob-Ewan.

AMIDALA: Where is your master?

Ob-Ewan glances up from the television.

OB-EWAN: He went to get some parts. You should have seen him, he was all worked up about some 'disturbance', or something. I didn't think I'd be able to keep a straight face.

AMIDALA: (thoughtfully) He went to the spaceport? Won't that be... unpleasant?

OB-EWAN: Yep. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Amidala grins evilly, then pulls out her comlink.

AMIDALA: Oh, Patme...


Li-Gon, Jab Jab and Artoo head off to the city. Captain Shatner suddenly runs after them, dragging Patme behind him.


Li-Gon turns around as Captain Shatner catches up with him.

SHATNER: (cont) The queen... commands you to take... her loyal handmaiden... Patme.

Li-Gon looks down at Patme. She is quivering in barely self-contained rage.

LI-GON: Are you sure you wish to come with?

PATME: (through clenched teeth) Yes.

Shatner kicks her in the shin.

PATME: (cont) I live only to... (she nearly chokes on the words) serve her Majesty.

LI-GON: Very well. Let us be off.


Li-Gon walks with Patme and Jab Jab through Patootie's Mos Espa space port, where you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy... they must be cautious.

LI-GON: This heat is unbearable; it's Africa hot out here. I need some shade. (he points to a Junk shop) Let's go here, everybody.


PLATTO: (translated from Huttese) Good day to you.

He looks at Li-Gon, Jab Jab, and Artoo. Then he sees Patme.

PLATTO: (cont) Hello, what have we here... welcome, I'm Platto and I'm the administrator of this facility. And who might you be?

PATME: (looking at this creature with sex in her eyes) Patme.

PLATTO: (kissing her hand) Welcome, Patme.

Li-Gon pushes her away from Platto, sensing some funky stuff going down.

LI-GON: All right, all right, you ole smoothie. We need some parts for a something something Nubian.

PLATTO: I think I may have what you looking for.

He winks at Patme. Patme licks her lips at Platto.


In comes Manakin Streetwalker.

PLATTO: (yelling at Manakin in huttese) Get your lazy ass in here, boy! Where have you been?

MANAKIN: I was only cleaning out your toilet bowl with my tooth brush like you told me to, sir. Why don't you just back off?

Platto flies over to Manakin and pimp smacks him to the floor.

PLATTO: Don't you ever raise up like that to me again, you little punk! (to Li-Gon) Sooo, let me take-a thee out back, maybe you'll find what you need, eh?

Platto leads Li-Gon and Artoo out the back door. Jab Jab picks up a jack-in-the-box.

LI-GON: Don't touch anything.

Jab Jab sticks his tongue out at Li-Gon. The tongue extends five feet and bounces off a wall, flinging Jab Jab across the room.

JAB JAB: Holy shitsen!

Manakin sits on the formica counter, staring at Patme while absentmindedly polishing a camshaft. She is the most beautiful creature he has ever seen in his life. (Hell yeah! -Ed.) Patme is a little embarrassed by the attention, but musters up a disdainful look. Finally Manakin gets up the courage to speak.

MANAKIN: Are you a succubus?

PATME: What?

MANAKIN: A succubus. I've heard the priests talking about them. They live in Hell, I think. They're the most beautiful creatures in the universe, and at night they come up from the netherworld and go to virgin males and--

PATME: Okay, I get the idea.

MANAKIN: So you're not one?


MANAKIN: (quietly) Damn. (louder) Are you an angel, then?

PATME: That's what PreacherBoy told me.


PATME: Never mind


Li-Gon and Platto walk through the junkyard, and Artoo follows, with no explanation of how he got up the steps and out the back door.

PLATTO: You are in luck, no one else will have a something something Nubian hyperdrive, that I can-a assure you. Speaking of which, hows-a will you pay for this?

LI-GON: Well, I've got some old paint cans, and these tabs from the Pupsi cans with my visage (although, to tell you the truth, my winged friend, Pupsi is such swill. I really prefer Cooke, but try telling GL that.), and I've got a bootleg of this movie, which would fetch you a pretty penny on E-Bay.

PLATTO: Uh... what else you got, holmes?

LI-GON: Well, I have these republic dactaries. But, hell, those aren't even valuable on Coruscantily, much less out here on this bass-ackward planet... uh... wait... (waves hand) I didn't say that.

PLATTO: You said that they aren't valuable.

LI-GON: (waves hand) They are valuable.

PLATTO: What's this hand waving crap? Do I look like I'm hot or something? Do I need a fan? I'm not sweating, I'll have my slave boy fan me if I need a fan, dude. Anyway, what are you gonna give me for this beautiful hyperdrive for the something something Nubian?

LI-GON: Credits will do fine. (waving hand)

PLATTO: But they're not valuable. You said so yourself. I wouldn't have known if you hadn't told me, fool.

Li-Gon then repeats "Credits will do fine" about 15 times, and Platto gets sick of it and leaves. After he leaves, Li-Gon tries the trick on Artoo, but Artoo just ignores him.

LI-GON: I knew that I shouldn't have cut class the day that they taught that trick.


Patme and Manakin are talking, while in the background, Jab Jab has accidentally triggered a small thermonuclear warhead.

MANAKIN: What's your name?

PATME: Patme Naberrie.

MANAKIN: That's a weird name.

PATME: I had it changed.

MANAKIN: What did it use to be?

PATME: Patme Hooters.

MANAKIN: (reaching out) Well, if you insist.


PATME: You're a funny little boy. You're also a pervert, but I'll let that slide for now.

Meanwhile, as the counter on the nuclear bomb nears zero, Jab Jab has also knocked over three shelves, driven a landspeeder through the nearest wall, and killed a man in self-defense. Manakin looks over at the Glubglub.

MANAKIN: Hit your nose!

JAB JAB: What?

MANAKIN: Hit yourself on the nose!

Jab Jab shrugs, then punches himself in the nose. A sickening crackle can be heard.

JAB JAB: Owsa! Mesa bleeding over here!

MANAKIN: (speaking to Patme) Boy, your friend's pretty dumb. I've never seen anyone fall for that one before. Here, I'll take care of it. (He clicks his heels together) There's no thing like plot convenience... There's no thing like plot convenience...

Suddenly, by sheer coincidence, Jab Jab trips on falls on the OFF switch, deactivating the bomb. The landspeeder turns out to be insured, and the man Jab Jab killed gets up and walks away.

PATME: Wow, how did you do all of that?

MANAKIN: I can do whatever I want. It's almost as if I have access to some incredibly powerful energy field, an unknown Force, if you will.

PATME: So you're saying your an extremely powerful Force user?

MANAKIN: Exactly, but you're not supposed to realize that yet. It takes Li-Gon at least another three scenes. That, and he has to destroy everyone's image of the Force by making it scientific.

PATME: Won't that get all the fans upset?


LI-GON: I must do what I think is right, of course. Well, we really must be going.

MANAKIN: But you didn't get what you came for, are you just going to give up that easily? What kind of Jedi are you?

LI-GON: Uh... you're not supposed to realize that yet. Jab Jab, Patme, Baker- I mean, Artoo, let's go.

PATME: It was nice to meet you, Mani. Maybe in a few years we can fall in love or something. However, it seems kind of sick that a 14 year old girl would fall for a 10 year old. I mean, you know, 24 and 20, that's no big deal, but this just won't work at our current ages.

MANAKIN: But, wait, I haven't told you about what a good pilot I am, or that I'm building a shod-racer, and I haven't even used my most dramatic line in the movie, the one that makes all the chicks go, "Aww..."

PATME: (sighs) Fine... You're a slave?

MANAKIN: I'm a person, and my name is Manakin. What's wrong with you, you sure are insensitive. I bet you'll try and tell my mother that the republic's anti-slave laws should affect us.


LI-GON: Don't lecture the Queen! I mean, the queen's handmaiden.

JAB JAB: Wesa better go. Mesa haven't been annoying for a fewsa minutes. If mesa don't
anger some PC folks, then mesa outta of a job.

LI-GON: Yes, let's go.

The foursome walk out the door, and Jab Jab bumps his head on the door, which comes off completely. Li-Gon sighs, and reattaches Jab Jab's head, much to the dismay of the audience.

PATME: (as she exits) It was nice to meet you, Mani. Call me when you're not a slave anymore.

PLATTO: These outlanders, they think they know so much.

MANAKIN: They seemed nice, but stupid. Gosh, I thought that I was gonna have to get medieval on that Jedi, smacking me.

PLATTO: Yeah, all that handwaving he did, he gave me windburn, I think. Clean this mess up, and you can go home.

MANAKIN: Yippee!

Then the movie pauses. Someone in the audience stands up, and says, "Wait. Hold on just a goldurn second. We're supposed to believe that not only is the future Darth Vader named 'Ani,' but that he says yippee. I'm beginning to doubt just how evil this guy really is."

Another audience member, decked out in full Capt. Panaka regalia, replies, "Well, gee, numbnuts, he is a 10 year old. 10 year olds say yippee and have nicknames. Oh yeah, and it is just a movie. Get over it."

Then the audience gets into a debate over whether it is, 'just a movie.' Then a riot breaks out. Of course, Steven Seagal enters, and settles the whole thing, by laying out that he loves Jab Jab, and that everyone should just watch the dang movie, and that it is there own fault for putting such high expectations on the movie. Of course, Michael Dudikoff disputes this, and everyone just lets them fight, because really, who wants to argue with Dudikoff or Seagal?


Ob-Ewan is lounging on the couch wearing his boxer shorts and eating cereal out of the box. He is talking with Li-Gon over the comlink.

OB-EWAN: Oh yeah, master, there's plenty of cash lying around on this ship. Here, let me wave my magical wand and I'll make some more.


OB-EWAN: How the heck did you do that over the comlink?

LI-GON: (v.o.) I'll tell you when you're older. Don't worry, a solution will present itself.

OB-EWAN: Yeah, that's the spirit. Wait for the right opportunity. You'll go far in life with that attitude.



Li-Gon puts his comlink away and steps out into the main street. Jab Jab grabs his arm.

JAB JAB: Noah Wylie! Da beings hereabouts cawazy!

LI-GON: The what?

JAB JAB: Da beings hereabouts cawazy!

LI-GON: Still not getting it.

PATME: Let me try something.

Patme walks up to Jab Jab with an extremely sweet expression on her face.

PATME: (cont) Jab Jab?




PATME: Now, once more?

JAB JAB: (enunciating carefully) The... beings... hereabouts... caw... cw... crazy. Wesa be... wesa gonna be robbed and crunched.

PATME: (sweet again) There, was that so hard?

JAB JAB: Mesa no know.


PATME: Watch it.


The group is walking through Mos Espa when Jab Jab notices a frog in a nearby stand. Since we need a convenient excuse to reintroduce Manakin, and since Jab Jab is a filthy dirty thief, he grabs the frog with his tongue.

SHOPKEEPER: Hey! Some moron put a really cheap rubber mask on my head! I can't see a thing!

The shopkeeper trips over a cord tying his tent down. Jab Jab lets go of the frog, which hurls itself into the face of Sebulbous, a nearby pod racer.

JAB JAB: Uh-oh.

Sebulbous leaps on top of Jab Jab, pinning him to the ground.

SEBULBOUS: (With a New Yorker's accent) You threw this at me?

JAB JAB: Umm... nosa.

SEBULBOUS: No, there's no one else around here, so I guess you threw this at me. You think I'm some kind of target? You think I'm here for your amusement, for you to throw stuff at? Do I have a big red circle painted on my chest, is that it?

MANAKIN: Watch it, Sebulbous. That one's very connected with Pizza Hutt.

SEBULBOUS: You're full of shit. This bozo ain't connected to crap.

MANAKIN: You sure about that? They say he knows Colonel Sanders himself.

SEBULBOUS: (eyes narrowing) Sanders works for KFC, not Pizza Hutt.

MANAKIN: Umm... (waves his hand) You will let Jab Jab go.

SEBULBOUS: I will let Jab Jab go.

Sebulbous walks away. Li-Gon looks in amazement at Manakin.

LI-GON: How come that trick works for him? I haven't been able to get it right this entire movie.

MANAKIN: The Force can give you a strong influence on the weak-minded.

LI-GON: The Force can give me a strong influence on the weak-minded.

MANAKIN: You guys really need an escort through this part of town.

JAB JAB: Thatsa what mesa been sayin'!

MANAKIN: Your problem is you're all wearing brown, and the gang from the other side of town wears that.

PATME: So what does the gang on this side of town wear?

MANAKIN: Dark pants, white shirt, and a dark vest.

ARTOO: Beep, whistle, beep

MANAKIN: Shhh, you're not supposed to tell them that.

LI-GON: None of us can understand him. He's just here to meet the droid you're making.

MANAKIN: (looking suspicious) How did you know I was making a droid?

LI-GON: I read the script before the shoot, boy.

MANAKIN: Yeah, and you're getting paid a lot more than me too.

GL: Guys! Guys! Come on!

PATME: George, that's not the way to handle them.

GL: Okay, and how would... nevermind, I want this PG!


GL: I don't believe you did that!


GL: Perhaps I phrased that wrong. (he crooks a finger and is surrounded by grips) Now please return to your scene. We've got a storm on its way right now.

MANAKIN: You'd better come stay with me. It'll be convenient for the plot, you can get a blood sample and tell everyone about the somewhat ludicrous explanation of the Force that wouldn't work with anything not alive, and get my mom to let me race again.


GL: Hey, this is fun. Okay, cue the storm, annnnnnd action.


MANAKIN: Hi, Mom! I'm home.

JAB JAB: Dissen cozy! (fluffing a chintz pillow)

SHMOO STREETWALKER: (coming from her workshop) Mani! Again you bring people home! You know you should- (stops when she sees Li-Gon, then smiles) - ntroduce everyone.

MANAKIN: Well, the babe is Patme, and I never got anyone else's names.

LI-GON: I am Li-Gon Jinn-and-Tonic, and this is Jab Jab Rinks.

SHMOO: (extending a hand to Li-Gon and smiling) Charmed, I'm sure.


PATME: And this is our little droid, Artoo.

MANAKIN: Hey, Patme, I'm building a droid, too. It's in my bedroom. Want to see the etchings- er, schematics?

Patme and Manakin exit to look at the droid. Li-Gon reaches into a pouch and removes several small cylinders.

LI-GON: Here. Let me help with dinner.

SHMOO: (taking capsules) Thank you. Thank you so much. Uh, what are these?

LI-GON: Pizza Hutt coupons. 2 for 1 Mega Pizza deals and a 2-liter of Pupsi. And if they don't deliver in 30 minutes, it's free. I figure, with the sandstorm outside, it's a sure deal the dinner's on them. Besides, we need a couple of product placements in this part of the movie.

SHMOO: (smiling) I like the way you think.


Manakin shows Patme the droid he has been building. It is a humanoid-shaped droid, with two arms, two legs, a torso, and a head. The body does not have its outer covering yet.

MANAKIN: Do you like him? He's supposed to help mom. I call him C-ThruMe.

PATME: Annie, he's wonderful. I can see how he works.

Manakin pushes a switch and various parts of C-ThruMe raise and lower and the robot sits up.

C-THRUME: How do you do? I am C-ThruMe, Human-Cyborg Relations. How may I serve you?

PATME: I can't believe it! He's perfect! Will he be fully functional when you're done?

MANAKIN: (looking at her oddly) Su-re. He'll be programmed in all aspects of etiquette and protocol. Mom's been working on some load lifters, so I think I'll program in something for her. And anything else she thinks she might need.

ARTOO: Chirp wazza wanga OOOOooo!

C-THRUME: I beg your pardon, what do you mean I'm naked?

ARTOO: Beep!

C-THRUME: My parts are showing? Oh, my goodness! How embarrassing!


Captain Shatner, the Queen, Sabe, Cache, and Ob-Ewan watch a badly distorted hologram of Some Babbler.

SOME BABBLER: (haltingly) They have... cut off the food supplies. The deaf troll-

RUNE: (off screen, whispering) Death toll, you moron!

BABBLER: It says deaf troll!

RUNE: (v.o.) Use your head! Why would we be talking about a deaf troll?

BABBLER: How should I know?

RUNE: (v.o.) Look, do you want us to shoot you? Just read the stupid cue card!

BABBLER: Fine, fine. Ahem. The death toll is catatonic- er, catastrophic. We must bow to their wishes. You must connect me.

RUNE: (v.o.) Contact!

BABBLER: Why would she contact me? You'd be able to trace the signal.

RUNE: (v.o.) That's the point, you moron!

The hologram fizzles and fades.

CAPTAIN SHATNER: I'll call him... right away... your Highness/Majesty/whatever.


OB-EWAN: Send no transmission, it's a trick to get a trace.

CAPT. SHATNER: But why... would Some Babbler... try to trick... us?


AMIDALA: Listen to him, Captain. The Queen trusts the Jedi's judgment.

OB-EWAN: Wait a minute, but aren't you..?


LI-GON: It sounds like bait to establish a connection trace.

OB-EWAN: (over comlink) What if it is true, and the people are dying?


OB-EWAN: (v.o.) How the hell are you doing that?


Darth Chin and Darth Bludgeon look out over the vast city. Ah, why not?

DARTH BLUDGEON: Patootie is sparsely populated Master. If the trace was correct I will find them quickly.

LEGIONS OF SW FANS: How could he have gotten a trace?


DARTH BLUDGEON: Actually, Master, it is a valid question.


DARTH CHIN: Shut up, my young apprentice. They will be no match for you.

DARTH BLUDGEON: Hey, thanks.

DARTH CHIN: Move against the Jedi first. You will then have no difficulty taking the Queen back to NuhBoo, where she will sign the fucking treaty!

DARTH BLUDGEON: At last we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi. At last we will have revenge.



DARTH BLUDGEON: At last we will--

DARTH CHIN: Yes, yes, I know. But what the hell has that got to do with anything?

DARTH BLUDGEON: Uhh... I don't know, it just sounded... scary.



DARTH BLUDGEON: What the hell? Master, you hit me!

DARTH CHIN: (waving his bleeding hand around) Yes, but those damn horns--!


The group sits around a table eating a New Yorker's style pepperoni pizza from Pizza Hutt and drinking Pupsi. The labels on the box and bottles are clearly visible.

SHMOO: All slaves have a transmitter placed somewhere in their body. If you try to escape, it sets off the metal detectors in the airport.

LI-GON: Yeah, that must be a real pain. (He pauses and takes a bite of his pizza) Man, that's good pizza. Now I know why New Yorkers have such big mouths. It's to cram in all that delicious flavor. (He looks into the camera) And now, for a limited time only, you can get a large one-topping New Yorker's pizza for only $5.99

PATME: Would you like to wash that delicious Pizza Hutt pizza down with some refreshing Pupsi cola?

LI-GON: I'd love to. (He smiles and holds the bottle up to the camera) After all, it's the choice of a new generation.

MANAKIN: Have you ever seen shod-racing?

LI-GON: Well, that was a rather abrupt change of subject, but yes, I have. Very fast, very dangerous.

MANAKIN: I'm the only human that can do it.


SHMOO: Manakin, no one likes a braggart.

MANAKIN: I know, but that doesn't explain why that lizard guy hit me!

JAB JAB: Yousa in mesa way. Mesa wanna grab that there apple.

MANAKIN: How rude.

Jab Jab tries to grab an apple off the table with his tongue, but in one lightning fast movement, Li-Gon draws his brightsaber and cuts off Jab Jab's tongue.

JAB JAB: Dear lord, with your shining weapon, you have severed my tongue! Listen to me, I can barely speak coherently, you thoughtless barbarian!

MANAKIN: You're a Jedi, aren't you?

LI-GON: (hiding his brightsaber behind his back) Uhh... why do you say that?

MANAKIN: Oh, puh-leeze. You've only been dropping hints since you first showed up. What about when you lifted your cloak at that stand? Why not just carry a big neon sign around that says, 'Yes, I am a Jedi'?

LI-GON: What are you talking about? We never went to any stand.

MANAKIN: Well, not in this thread, but it was in the movie.

LI-GON: (sighing) All right, I'm a Jedi. There, are you happy?

MANAKIN: So, you need money?

LI-GON: I don't think that we've set that up yet. Shouldn't you let one of us complain about it first? You know, hint that we want you to risk your life in a stupid endeavor, when there are so many ways to get off this planet. I mean, we could clean up selling time with Patme...

MANAKIN: Nah, I'm bored, I wanna get on with it... besides, hey George, isn't this a family pic?

GL: Yup.

MANAKIN: So, see, no pimping underage chicks. Who does she look like, Jodie Foster?

LI-GON: Good point.

SHMOO: Manakin, don't you have some spare crack to sell?

MANAKIN: Naw, Kissedher stole the last of my stash to get that tongue piercing.

LI-GON: Damn! We could clean up with some crack!

PATME: These junk dealers must have a weakness of some kind.


LI-GON: Women are to be seen and not heard.

MANAKIN: Hey, we've already got racial accusations with Jab Jab, let's not get the feminists against us, too.

LI-GON: Oh. Sorry.

MANAKIN: Besides, she's right. An analysis of Platto's junkshop has revealed a weakness.

The lights dim and Artoo begins projecting a picture on the wall.

MANAKIN: (cont) You are required to maneuver down this hallway. The target is here. (The picture zooms in on Platto's posterior) It's a small thermal exhaust port. The shaft is ray-shielded, so you'll have to use proton torpedoes.

OB-EWAN: (over comlink) That's impossible, even for a computer!


OB-EWAN: (cont) Stop doing that!

LI-GON: It's not impossible. I use to bullseye annoying Toybluflys all the time back on Coruscant.

GL: Sorry, guys, can't let you do that.

LI-GON: Who asked you?


GL: Don't get fresh with me, Neeson. Now look, I spent millions working on that shod-racing scene, and you are gonna have it in this movie.

LI-GON: But it wasn't even that exciting.


GL: Don't argue. Just make a bet with Platto, he'll take it.

LI-GON: How can you be sure?

GL: Because I'm George Lucas, you schmuck. As far as you're concerned, I am God. Now go make a bet with Platto.

MANAKIN: Wait, we forgot my foreshadowing dream!

GL: Fine, just be quick.

MANAKIN: (clears throat, then looks at Li-Gon with puppy dog eyes) Have you come to free us?

LI-GON: Hell, no. I got more important stuff to do.

MANAKIN: I think you have. Why else would you be here?

LI-GON: Are you deaf? We just spent ten minutes telling you are ship is broken.

MANAKIN: Oh, right. You know, I had a dream I was a Jedi. I wore a big dark cloak, and I had really bad asthma.

LI-GON: Yeah, that's great. Can we move on to the next scene, please?


Shmoo Streetwalker stands on porch and watches Patootie double sunset. Li-Gon stands silently beside her. Together, they watch Mani, Patme, Jab Jab, and the gang work on the shod-racer.

LI-GON: You should be proud of your son. He gives without any thought of reward.

SHMOO: He has... (trails off)

LI-GON: No concept of a free trade economy?

SHMOO: Yes, naive bastard.

LI-GON: Speaking of which, who WAS his father?

SHMOO: (shrugs) Hell if I know. That time of my life is rather a blur. I don't know if he even had a father.

Shmoo looks into Li-Gon's eyes, watching his reaction.

Li-Gon formidable brow furrows as he tries to think. Annie was close to 10 years old. Given a standard humanoid gestation of approximately 9 to 9 and a half months, that would put his conception at around...

LI-GON: The time you found out you were pregnant, that would have been just after the last time the 12th Fleet passed through this quadrant, right?

SHMOO: Probably. That's been a while. I was slave to Gardulla the Hutt at the time. She liked to entertain.

LI-GON: And what was your function at these... soirees?

Shmoo looks away and leans back against the railing. Her tunic stretches across her chest as she leans into the evening air.

SHMOO: Well, I helped with the entertainment.

LI-GON: I... see.

Shmoo moves a little closer to Li-Gon.

SHMOO: Conceiving Mani was a total surprise. After all, I've... never had a man.

LI-GON: I... see.

Shmoo leans closer against Li-Gon, who is by now caught between the railing and the wall.

SHMOO: I've heard that Jedi believe nothing happens without the Force willing it so. Is that true?

LI-GON: That is what I believe, yes.

SHMOO: (looking deeply into Li-Gon's knock-em dead bedroom blue eyes) Then your being here, it is the will of the Force, right?

Li-Gon feels his heartbeat and blood pressure increase.

LI-GON: You might say that.

Shmoo nods towards the children in the courtyard, Patme and Jab Jab watching over them.

SHMOO: They should be occupied for a quite a while, don't you think?

They look at each other a moment, then back at the children, then back at each other. Li-Gon takes her arm and moves towards the door.

LI-GON: I'd like to talk to you about Mani, how he was conceived, what you remember.

SHMOO: I... see.

GL: I thought this was supposed to be a PG movie.

SCRIPT EDITOR: It is. See? The moon just went behind a cloud. Classic device. Forget the fact that clouds would imply moisture and this IS Patootie, after all. Just go with it, George. (Waving hand in front of George's face.) Just go with it.

GL: Okay, I'll just go with it.


Manakin, Patme, Jab Jab, and R2-D2 are fixing some wires and stuff on the shod-racer. They are joined by some of Manakin's friends: Kissedher, Sikh, Flayme, and Bald.

BALD: Oota-goota, Mani?


BALD: I heard my father say it.

MANAKIN: Ah. (pauses) Um, guys, these are my new friends--

JAB JAB: Jab Jab Rinks, atsa yousa serviceses--

PATME: And Patme Naberries.




FLAYME: Dammit, have some respect!

MANAKIN: But I'm going to marry her; why the hell can't I?

PATME: You're gonna have to wait till Episode Two, pal, cause you ain't getting squat until then.

KISSEDHER: Wow, a real Astro Pop... how'd you get so lucky?

MANAKIN: Well, I haven't... (looking over at Patme) Yet.


KISSEDHER: Ow!! What the hell, he said it!

PATME: Yes, but you gave him the straight line.

MANAKIN: And guess what- I'm entered in the shod-race tomorrow!

KISSEDHER: What, with this?



MANAKIN: Hey, that's fun.

FLAYME: You've been working on that thing for years. It's never going to run.

MANAKIN: That's what you said about my homemade probe droid too!

FLAYME: And it killed three pets and one pedestrian before exploding.

MANAKIN: ...so?

FLAYME: Face it Mani, your shod will never fly. Your technical skills have not given you power enough to escape Platto's employ. Or given you clairvoyance enough to divine the location of the Rebel's secret base--

Manakin raises his hand and pinches two fingers. Flayme suddenly begins choking.

MANAKIN: (With James Earl Jones' voice dubbed over) I find your lack of faith disturbing.

LI-GON: Enough of this foreshadowing! Manakin, release him!

MANAKIN: As you wish.

Flayme gasps and falls to the ground.

LI-GON: This bickering is pointless. I will provide Manakin the power pack he needs to test his pod. We will then crush Sebulbous with one quick stroke.

Meanwhile, Jab Jab has stuck his face into the energy binders and gotten his hand stuck in the engine, but no one's been paying attention to him after the first half-hour of the movie anyway. Manakin inserts the tiny power pack, which somehow has enough juice to fuel the pod's systems and as well as both engines. Despite the fact that this is a rather mundane event, everyone cheers and dramatic music starts up.


Manakin sits on the balcony rail of his hovel as Li-Gon tends to a cut. He leans back, holding onto a rail, to look at the vast blanket of stars in the sky.

LI-GON: Sit still; let me clean this cut.

MANAKIN: With what? Battery acid?! That hurts!

LI-GON: Well, I--

McCOY: Barbarians! (takes out a Star Trek healing device) For God's sake, drilling holes in his head won't help him! Now put away your butcher knives and let me save this man!

LI-GON: Ahem, this is Manakin Streetwalker, not Pavel Chekov! Shouldn't you be looking for some whales?

KIRK: Well, double dumbass on you!

MANAKIN: There are so many stars! Do they all have their own systems?

LI-GON: Some, but most just have their own TV series.

Laugh track activates.

MANAKIN: Has anyone ever seen them all?

LI-GON: The sitcoms? Maybe, but nobody still sane...

MANAKIN: No, I mean the planetary systems, you pinhead.


LI-GON: Respect your elders, boy.

MANAKIN: Now you're going to have not only NOW and the NAACP after you, but NAMBLA as well... ageist prick. Anyway, I want to be the first to see them all... Ouch! Dimwit!


LI-GON: Sorry, but not even the Force dulls the sting of peroxide.

Li-Gon wipes blood off of Manakin's wrist. Manakin holds it like he's in extreme pain.

LI-GON: There, good as new.

MANAKIN: (glaring) Walking cliché.

SHMOO: (from inside the hovel) Mani, bedtime!


SHMOO: (entering scene) Manakin... yes, it's true.

MANAKIN: No! It can't be!

SHMOO: Yes. I am your mother. And I say it's bedtime.

MANAKIN: Nooooooooo!! It's not true, it's not true!

Manakin lets go of his wrist, jumps down from the rail, and goes inside, wailing.

LI-GON: Um, Shmoo? Does your voice get all husky like that often? And I think this dusty air is getting to your lungs...

SHMOO: Are you going to stay out here all night?

LI-GON: I'll only be a moment. I have to make a call.


Ob-Ewan is lounging on the couch watching TV, wearing a ratty 'JEDI KNIGHTS ROCK' t-shirt. Discarded pizza boxes litter the floor around him. The comlink chirps, and he turns it on.

OPERATOR: Collect call from a Mr. Li-Gon, will you accept the charges?

OB-EWAN: Bloody hell, he's doing it to me again. Wait, this is on the Queen's nickel, not mine. Yes operator, I'll accept.

LI-GON: (v.o.) I'm sending you a blood sample.

OB-EWAN: Another midi-chlorine count?

LI-GON: (v.o.) No, for STDs. I forgot to bring, never mind, just do the check.

OB-EWAN: This sample is from a nine year old male. What exactly ARE you up to? Whoa, look at his mc count. The transmission must be malfunctioning.

LI-GON: (mutters to self) Damn sent the wrong one. (aloud) Here's a signal check.

An ear-piercing buzz blares out of the comlink. Ob-Ewan rips the earpiece out, throwing it to the floor.

OB-EWAN: OW! You had the gain all the way up again!


SHMOO: (o.s.) Li-Gon, are you coming inside or not?

LI-GON: Just a moment, Shmoo!

OB-EWAN: (v.o.) Looks like you're pretty much clean, Master.

LI-GON: Ah, good, goo-- Hey, whaddaya mean 'pretty much'?

OB-EWAN: (v.o.) Remember on Gromuel VII a few years ago, when you got drunk and--


LI-GON: I told you not to remind me about that.

OB-EWAN: (v.o.) Damn, you've gotta teach me how to do that.

Li-Gon turns slightly and sees Shmoo standing in the doorway. It's not so much a question of what she's wearing as of how much of it there is.

LI-GON: Well, goodnight, Ob-Ewan, we all need our... rest.

OB-EWAN: (v.o.) But master, about this boy's midi-chlorine count...

LI-GON: (testily) Yes, well?

OB-EWAN: (v.o.) It's over twenty thousand.

LI-GON: Yes, that's nice, you have a good slee-- TWENTY THOUSAND?!?

OB-EWAN: (v.o.) Yep.

LI-GON: Well, I'll be fucked.

Sniggers from the back row as the camera pans over slightly to Shmoo.


A mean looking Sift Infiltrator streaks through space, and lands on Patootie way too quickly, I mean, the thing didn't even pause in the atmosphere or anything. Must be strong metal.

The ship lands and out walks Darth Bludgeon to the tune of the Peter Gunn Theme. As he steps down the ramp, he trips, and rolls all the way to the desert floor getting rather dusty. Audience sits forward in their seats, and simultaneously says, "WHAT?!!"

BLUDGEON: Dang it all to heck!

He then proceeds back up the ramp, restarts the Peter Gunn Theme, and then reemerges, taking each step carefully so that he doesn't trip again. He makes it down, and uses the Force to throw a rock at the tape deck, where he means to hit the Stop Button, but instead he sends the rock flying through the deck itself. Darth Bludgeon feels awful about destroying his tape deck. How will he ever listen to his awesome mix tape on the way back home now?

He shrugs and hits a few buttons on his Lando Calrissian armpiece, and some probe droids fly out of his ship, and one smacks right into the back of his fool head.

BLUDGEON: Jeez! Gosh, that smarts!

The probe droids speed off across the desert, and Bludgeon watches them go.

BLUDGEON: This is kind of a waste of time. Why don't I just fly around for a while, and see if I can spot the ship? I mean, honestly, I could stay up all night for once, I AM a bad ass, after all, it couldn't hurt. I could take the ship, sneak in quietly, kill them in their sleep, take the Queen back to my ship, and return her to NuhBoo. I mean, seriously, doesn't that make more sense? But no... I have to sit here and wait for the probe droids to come back, being all patient and stuff. Patience isn't a virtue of the Sith! Of course, if I do that, I can't do that cool flip off of my speeder. Yeah, that'll scare Li-Gon. He'll be all, "DUDE! He just leaped off that frickin' motorbike thing, and lit his lightsaber! Not even Ob-Ewan could pull that off!"

Darkness continues to descend, and Bludgeon continues to sulk about wanting to kill RIGHT now. Boo-hoo.

SW FANS: You know, he's right. Why doesn't he just search for them right now? The Queen's ship is pretty recognizable, and he would have the advantage, plus, this Patootie sequence is a little dull. If that shod-race doesn't pay off, the only exciting thing will be the duel at the end, to which we already know the outcome, but still.

GL: Hey! It's my movie, I'll pace it how I please.

SW FANS: Yeah, as if you know more about Star Wars than we do.

GL: Uh... what?


PLATTO: I want to see your ship the moment after the race.

LI-GON: (confused) Why?

PLATTO: Because that's what I get if you lose, remember? That was part of the bet.

LI-GON: I don't remember that. Come to think of it, I don't remember betting at all.

PLATTO: We skipped that scene. Shalimar was in such a hurry to get that post up.

LI-GON: Oh, well. Not much we could have done with that scene anyway.

PLATTO: Exactly. Now where were we?

LI-GON: Oh, right, I remember. (Clears throat) You will have your winnings by the end of the day, my friend. And I will be far away from here.

PLATTO: Not if I got your ship, moron.

LI-GON: (Frowning) Hey, you're right. Geez, this kid better win!

PLATTO: Personally, I'm betting on Sebulbous. I've got everything I have riding on him.

LI-GON: (Smiling) I'll take some of that.


LI-GON: I'll bet my racing shod against, say... the boy and his mother.

PLATTO: No shod is worth two slaves.

LI-GON: (Waving his hand) Yes, it is.

PLATTO: How many times do I have to tell you to stop doing that?

LI-GON: Oh, right, doesn't work on you. Darn.

PLATTO: We let fate decide, eh? I happen to have a chance cube here. Blue, the boy. Red, his mother.

Platto tosses the cube to the ground. Li-Gon waves his hand, and the cube lands with a blue side up. Li-Gon smiles. Platto growls.

PLATTO: You may have won the toss, outlander, but you will not win the race! The boy will be mine!

LI-GON: The boy? I thought he was red.

PLATTO: No, the mother was red. The boy was blue.

LI-GON: Aw, crap!! Come on, let's do it again. Best two out of three?

As Platto storms off, Manakin, Shmoo, Patme and Kissedher stroll up on deformed camels.
Manakin overhears the end of the exchange between Li-Gon and Platto.

MANAKIN: What was all that about?

LI-GON: Never you mind.

MANAKIN: Aw... c'mon, what the dealio, G?

LI-GON: I said, mind your business!

Li-gon lifts Shmoo off her deformed camel, passionately kisses her, and then sets her down. Li-Gon doesn't really pay any attention to her after he sets her down. (There must be something wrong with him, I mean, jeez, this a lady who is obviously rather fond of him, and all he cares about is her annoying little know-it-all son with no father, who may or may not be the Chosen One, and could possibly, with some doubt, but not an exceptional amount of said doubt, bring some sort of balance to the Force) Jab Jab helps Mani off his deformed camel, and Mani warns him not to kiss him.

PATME: I'm so glad that ride is over! That little pervert had his hands all over me! Who does he think he is, treating the Queen... I mean... the Queen's handmaiden like that?

LI-GON: Well, he is a future Dark Lord of the Sith. I wouldn't cross him, if I were you.

KISSEDHER: Yeah... so Mani, you're sure to finish the race this time, buttmunch.

MANAKIN: Sure. Jerky.

PATME: Finish? Wait, you made yourself out to be the greatest thing since sliced bread, and you've never even finished a freaking race?

MANAKIN: Uh... I never said that I had finished one.

PATME: Yet you told us that you could do it. I knew I wasn't sure about this, you know, trusting our fate to a boy we hardly know and all...

MANAKIN: Hey, I'm going to try, ok? Gee... what's with you?

LI-GON: (whispers to Mani) Her Aunt Flo came to visit, Mani. And, hey, do or do not, there is no try.


LI-GON: Ow! Yoga whacked me from Coruscant!

Mani is quiet for a few seconds.

MANAKIN: Wait, "Aunt Flo?" What are you talking about? I didn't think that anyone knew you people were here. How could you have visitors?


SHMOO: Let it go, Mani. Go bring hope to those who have none or something.

LI-GON: We all must have faith in the boy. I have no doubts that he will be victorious.

PATME: Why are you so sure, Master Jedi?

LI-GON: Did no one else read the script? What are you people, illiterate?


A two-headed Announcer describes the scene.


A: Pierogie! Pierogie! Die wanna wanga nabuki koota schnurgen oopa grola gavuti chunky funky monkey.

B: That's absolutely right, whatever you just said....

A: Ai! Gumpa schlooba snaugen?

B: What the hell?

A: Hmph. Nogabudu.

B: Um... okaaay, right. Anyway, there's a big crowd here, blah blah blah, and here come the racers.

A: Guva!



B: Speak English, you piece of bantha fodder!


A: Kantu Huttie, guba bantha poodoo!

B: Why you--


Head A falls over unconscious.

B: Now, where was I? Ah yes, here come the racers! Gascano in his new Wasabi!

A creature looking vaguely like a badly overgrown marmoset stands up and takes a bow.

B: Two time winner Boring Snoor from the planet Grv!

The racer next to Gascano attempts to take a bow, but cannot owing to being a sticky gel carried around in a bucket by an attendant.

SNOOR: Blurble!

B: Ben Secristarios from the Turd system!

Secristarios stands up to take a bow, waving to a pretty blonde in the third row of seats.

B: The reigning champion, Sebulbous of Pixelated, the favorite today!

SEBULBOUS: And don't you friggin' forget it, ya punks!

B: And a late entry, Manakin Streetwalker, a local boy.

A: Wampa peedunkee unto.


B: Go back to sleep.


Sebulbous cruises by Mani's shod and pulls off something that he seems to think is important, but apparently isn't, cause it doesn't do that much damage. In fact, why doesn't he just cut a power coupling or something?

SEBULBOUS: Heh. I'm such a rebel. Oh, hey, Manakin, I wasn't sabotaging your shod.

MANAKIN: Uh-huh. I'm going to beat you. Don't be too proud of that technological wonder you've created.

SEBULBOUS: How'd you get your voice to do that? Hmm... foreshadowing, I guess. Uh... LINE!

GL: "You're bantha fodder!"

SEBULBOUS: Can I say "poo-doo" instead? Y'know, make the kids and 35 year olds laugh, while all the super fans are annoyed with it.

GL: Sure, if it annoys the fans, then I'm all for it!

SEBULBOUS: Tooka Bantha Poo-doo!

He walks away.

MANAKIN: Whatever, slimo. I should whack that guy...

LI-GON: (coming out of nowhere) Ready, Mani?


LI-GON: Don't think. Trust your instincts.

MANAKIN: Use the Force, you mean?

LI-GON: Yeah, sure, whatever.

MANAKIN: You know, I'm not really experienced with using the Force, I don't really know how to use it.

LI-GON: I know, but that's one of the first things they teach you when you become a Jedi. You tell people to use the Force, even though they aren't trained in it yet. See, now that I've told you that, I'm gonna go up in my balcony seat, and cross my fingers that you don't screw this all up.

MANAKIN: Ah... I get it.



B: And now, what you people have been waiting for, the cameo to end all cameos...

A: Pizza Du Hutt!

Both heads cheer, as does the crowd, because, honestly, who doesn't love a tyrannical blob?


B: There, now that he's unconscious again, we can move on. The racers move to the finish line.


Shmoo gives Manakin a big hug and kiss.

SHMOO: Don't forget your seat belt.

Manakin rolls his eyes.

JAB JAB: Thisa berry loony Mani. Eben the guds thinkin yousa nutsin.

Patme walks over to give Manakin a kiss on the cheek. He quickly turns his head so that he kisses her square on the lips. She pulls away as he tries to slip her some tongue.

Li-Gon and the others enter the observation seat.

PATME: That boy is a perv. The Queen--

LI-GON: The Queen will like him.

PATME: You assume too much.

LI-GON: You shouldn't assume. You know what happens when you assume. It makes an ass out of you and me.

GL: Cut! Liam, I'd prefer if you didn't use the word ass.

LI-GON: Hey! I'm supposed to sound all wise, right?

GL: Stick to the "Bigger Fish" thing, all right? Action!

LI-GON: Fine. Young handmaiden, there's always a bigger fish.

PATME: What? What are you talking about?

LI-GON: You know, I just don't know anymore.

JAB-JAB: Mesa gotsa the munchins. Wheresa the gooberguy?

As the seat rises like an elevator, the flag bearers march across the field. Pizza the Hutt coughs up a hunk of cheese and spits it against a gong, signaling the start of the race.

A: Under splitzen!

B: And they're off!

Manakin's engines stall out as all the other racers tear off down the track. Mani flips several switches and turns the radio off and on until the engine fires back up. He quickly catches up with the others and passes a few of them. Several Sandpoopies watch the race from a ridge. One of them starts throwing beer cans at the racers. A can bounces off Mani's windshield. Another racer nearly runs down a crowd of Javas, short coffee drinking desert dwellers. One Java shouts obscenities in his native tongue. Mani spends the next two laps leaping over drivers, flying sideways and performing unorthodox maneuvers.


Shmoo is glued to a small screen in her hand.

LI-GON: Is that a watchman?

SHMOO: No, a Gameboy. I can't bear to watch the awful race.

LI-GON: Level 25 on Tetris, not too bad.

PATME: I got next game.

Jab Jab has his tongue stuck in a beer bottle and is pulling frantically on it.


After swapping paint a few times with Sebulbous, Mani forces him into a crash, and flies backward across the finish line. Everyone notices Mani seems to be reaching for something in the floor of the shod.

MANAKIN: Got it.

He opens up a Pupsi can and takes a drink. Kissedher looks at Bald.

KISSEDHER: We have got to get him a cupholder.


B: And it's Streetwalker! The crowd is going nuts!

Cut to footage of Brazilian soccer rioting.

A: Oh Ah Oh Ah!

PATME: I'll have whatever he's having, please.

LI-GON: No When Harry Met Sally jokes, if you don't mind.

PATME: But I like Billy Crystal.

LI-GON: You would.



GL: It's still day!

Okay, fine.


As Manakin stops the shod-racer, Kissedher shows up, and tries to embrace Manakin.

MANAKIN: What the...? Get the hell off me, man!

Manakin shoves past Kissedher and leaps onto Patme, his hands and tongue both--

GL: What the fuck!? That's it; that's it! I have had it with this treatment of my commer- er, cinematic masterpiece! I will not have my space-opera turned into kiddie porn!

Patme is silent, but has an almost surprised grin on her face.

MANAKIN: Then how about...?

Manakin hauls in a goat.


MANAKIN: Kidding, anyway.

GL: (muttering) Yeah, sure... (normal tone) Anyway, the script reads: "Hundreds of SPECTATORS join them and put ANAKIN on their shoulders, marching off, CHEERING AND CHANTING. Darth Maul's PROBE DROIDS move through the crowd." Now take it from there, you disgusting, gutter-minded porno-addicts! Good God! A more wretched hive of scum and villainy...


Aliens are leaving Platto's box, counting their money and laughing at him. Li-Gon is standing in the doorway, framed by Patootie sunlight, in a really cool photo-op. I expect this to get made into a poster or something, it's so damned cool looking. I mean, jeez--

GL: Get on with it!


THE FORCE: Get on with it!

JOHN CLEESE: How contrived.

Er, anyway, Platto is pretty pissed.

PLATTO: You! You swindled me! Fa'get abat it! You knew the boy was going to win! It was an offer I couldn't refuse!

LI-GON: Well, there's always a bigger fish.

PATME: Oh, give it up.

LI-GON: I'll come by your shop for the parts we need, you know, the exact parts we required for a NuhBoo cruiser, despite this being the planet farthest from the bright center of the universe, which is apparently Bore-uscant. Oh, and the Chos- er, slave boy.

MANAKIN: I thought you said this wasn't a kiddie porn!

GL: Huh?

MANAKIN: Little kids being bought and sold to grown men with skanky ponytails?

GL: Just shut up.


Li-Gon approaches the ship as Ob-Ewan runs out, hurriedly putting his robes on.

LI-GON: We've got the parts. You get to work on fixing the hyperdrive, I need to--

He suddenly breaks off, looking closely at Ob-Ewan. The young Jedi's hair is wild and uncombed, his robes are wrinkled, he has a two-day beard, and he stinks to high heaven.

LI-GON: When was the last time you shaved?

OB-EWAN: Uh... this morning?



LI-GON: Did you even take a shower since I left?

OB-EWAN: Well...


OB-EWAN: Hey! I didn't lie!

LI-GON: No, but you were going to. This is the last time I ever leave you alone for more than two hours. Start fixing the hyperdrive. I'm going to finish up some business.


The shod-racer had been sold. Manakin had been freed. Li-Gon is telling Shmoo the good news.

SHMOO: Oh, Mani! Now you can make your dreams come true.



SHMOO: Now, now, Mani. You know damn well that's not true! You're free and you're gonna GO with the nice man if he has to drag you by the ear!

MANAKIN: But what about... you?

SHMOO: Oh, Mani. I'm still a slave.

MANAKIN: DAMMIT! Will I ever see you again?

SHMOO: What does your heart tell you?

MANAKIN: Maybe... I guess...


SHMOO: Well?! Get on with it!

MANAKIN: Yes... and I'll come back and murder Platto once I've joined the Dark Side. Why, I'll murder everyone whose ever dissed you!


SHMOO: Once you start down the Dark Side, forever will it dominate your destiny!

YOGA: Hey! That's my line!


SHMOO: So? More than one person said 'I have a bad feeling about this'!

TARKIN: This bickering is pointless!

GL: Let's move on to the next scene.


Darth Bludgeon is sunbathing in front of his ship, wearing some beat-up jeans and a "SITH LORDS KICK ASS" t-shirt. One of the probe droids flies up and beeps something at him.

BLUDGEON: What is it, girl?

DROID: Beep whirr click buzz.

BLUDGEON: Timmy fell down the abandoned well?

DROID: (angrily) Bebop click shubop!

BLUDGEON: You've found the Jedi? And the queen? Come on, girl, let's go!

He runs into the ship, and we can hear him throwing things around.

BLUDGEON: (o.s.) Dang it, where is it?

There is a short pause as the droid outside waits impatiently.

BLUDGEON: (o.s.) Found it!

He runs out, now decked out in full Sith robes. He dashes over to his motorbike and leaps on. Nothing happens.

DROID: Sheeble deeble do.


He turns the ignition switch, and the speeder starts up. He roars off into the desert, following the droid.


MANAKIN: (to C-ThruMe) Well, I guess this is goodbye.

C-THRUME: You're a good man. I hate to lose you.

MANAKIN: Well, if I don't pay off Jabba the Hutt I'm a dead man.

C-THRUME: I understand. A death mark's not an easy thing to live with.

MANAKIN: I promise I'll tell Mom not to let anyone sell you, okay?

C-THRUME: If anyone were to sell me, how could I have a role in the original trilogy, you lunkhead!


MANAKIN: I am the Maker! Never talk to me that way!


Manakin says goodbye to his friends.


Li-Gon, Patme, R2-D2 (who miraculously escaped having his name changed somehow), and Manakin head for the outskirts of town.


Suddenly, Li-Gon whips out his-

GL: Brightsaber, I hope!

-brightsaber and cuts a black, cool-looking ball in half.

LI-GON: Probe Droid. Or worse. Chewie, scan the ship for more- MANAKIN, DUCK!!

MANAKIN: What the hell is a- OOOOOF!

Manakin is knocked flat on his face by a speeder bike, which Darth Bludgeon leaps off of, doing an incredibly acrobatic double back flip while simultaneously igniting his brightsaber - landing on his horned head with a THUD.

LI-GON: Just as I thought. Probe droid.

OB-EWAN: (through comlink) Master, I want to learn how to do that.


LI-GON: Only Sith can do that, my young paddleone.

OB-EWAN: Damn! Would you stop CALLING me that?

Suddenly, Darth Bludgeon attacks, with such ferocity that-

FANS: WHAAH-HOO! A lightsaber battle! We knew you wouldn't let us down, George!

GL: Why, thanks.

LI-GON: Manakin! Get to the ship!

Manakin runs to the Queen's ship. Darth Bludgeon smiles because he knows that the future Darth Vader is safe.


The brightsaber battle is so intense that the audience gets dizzy watching it. A woman in the front row has a seizure.


MANAKIN: We gotta rescue Li-Gon! He's in real trouble!

RICK OILY: This boy is distraught!


OB-EWAN: At least our hyperdrive is fixed.

OILY: Thank goodness for the plot.


GL: Okay, that was the LAST, repeat LAST, plot joke!

OILY: You're the director.


The Queen's ship picks up Li-Gon. Darth Bludgeon watches the ship take off. He pulls out a bottle of Jack Daniels and drinks himself into a stupor.


LI-GON: Phew. That was close.

OB-EWAN: What was it?

LI-GON: I don't know. But it was well trained in the Jedi arts.

OB-EWAN: You mean he could meditate, and resolve situations through peaceful negotiation?

LI-GON: Well, umm...

OB-EWAN: And he used his powers for knowledge and defense, but never to attack?

LI-GON: Well, not really. But he used a brightsaber really well!

OB-EWAN: And that's what being a Jedi means to you? Carrying a cool sword?

LI-GON: Yeah. Duh. Isn't that why everyone wants to be a Jedi?

MANAKIN: Hey, are you a Jedi too?

OB-EWAN: (Rolling his eyes) You hear that sound? That's the sound of a thousand terrible things--

LI-GON: Wrong joke, genius.

OB-EWAN: Oh. Sorry, master. Ahem. Why do I get the feeling we've picked up another pathetic life form?

MANAKIN: I'm a person, and my name is Manakin!

LI-GON: (sighing) Manakin Streetwalker, meet Ob-Ewan McNobi.

MANAKIN: Do I get fries with that?


OB-EWAN: I'd like to see you come up with a better combination of McGregor and Kenobi.

MANAKIN: Pleased to meet you. You know, for some reason, I have this strange feeling that we'll meet in the far future on a huge space station, and I'll--

GL: What did I tell you about foreshadowing!?!



Newt, sitting in a strange, spider-like mechanical chair, is talking to Some Babbler and several other NuhBoo officials. Rune stands several steps behind him.

NEWT: When are you going to give up this pointless strike? Your people are starving, your Queen is lost, and you, governor, are going to die much sooner than your people.

RUNE: Hey, I thought you said they weren't really going to suffer!

BABBLER: What?! You mean you've just been lying to us? Phew!

He wipes his forehead, relieved.

BABBLER: (cont) I was really starting to worry there.



NEWT: You idiot! I told you not to tell them that! (gestures to Babbler and the others) Take them away!

Babbler and the others are taken away as OOM-PAH approaches.

OOM-PAH: My troops have begun searching for the rumored CGI villages. They will not stay hidden for long. The Glubglubs will soon be wiped out.



Manakin sits on the floor of the ships conference room, freezing his arse off, while Jab Jab is sacked out in a chair, and the Jedi are no where in sight. I mean, honestly, Li-Gon promised Shmoo that he would take care of Mani (I think... did someone write that? Well, if they didn't, imagine it happened) and I guarantee you that Li-Gon and Ob-Ewan are sacked out in comfortable beds somewhere, and here's little Mani who is probably depressed about his mother, and he's sitting on this hard, cold floor all alone, rather than IN A BED, where a child should be sleeping. Even Jab Jab is more comfy in that chair.

MANAKIN: Cold, so frickin' cold.

Patme comes in and plays the message from Some Babbler. Even though this is a completely obvious scene, half the people in the theater don't question why the handmaiden is checking out the message, and they'll be all shocked at the BIG surprise later... I mean jeez, people are so stu-



GL: Hey, leave it alone. Get on with it. I don't pick on how unfunny you are, don't pick on my serious writing.

Fine. Patme watches the message from Some Babbler, and then looks sad. Aww...

MANAKIN: Cold, so frickin' cold...

PATME: Mani? What's wrong?

MANAKIN: Duh! I'm cold. It's freezing in here, I mean, jeez, what do you people have the temperature set to, 50 degrees? Who is in charge of the thermostat, David Letterman?

PATME: Mani, you come from a desert world. And what are you, and idiot? Don't you know that space is cold? And in space, no one can hear you scream.

MANAKIN: What? Are you gonna kill me or something?

PATME: No, no. Alien is like, totally my favorite movie, and I just always wanted to say that.

MANAKIN: What's a movie?

PATME: Never mind. You miss your mother, don't you?

MANAKIN: Well, I was trying to get my mind off of that, thanks for bringing it up. There's nothing like being reminded of your sorrows. Thanks, you're a great future wife.

PATME: Sorry.

MANAKIN: That's okay. You're hot, I forgive you. Here, I made this for you. It's made from Zucchini. It will bring you good fortune.

Mani hands her a generic little bracelet that it doesn't look like he really spent any time on. She tries to hide her disgust at its appearance.

PATME: Oh... thank you, Mani.

MANAKIN: You can hold on to it forever, and remember me.

PATME: That's... great. But, seriously, Mani, I don't need some generic little bracelet that is insufferably ugly to remember you by. I'll always remember your annoying little self.

MANAKIN: Thanks. I think. I'm gonna try to go to sleep, now.

PATME: I can help you with that.

MANAKIN: (in Barry White voice) Oh really, baby, how is that... (he raises his eyebrows suggestively)

PATME: Easily.


Manakin goes out like a light.

PATME: (in James Earl Jones' voice) All too easy.


The ship is approaching Trantoruscant.

OILY: We're approaching Trantoruscant.



As the ship draws closer, we can see that the entire planet is one big city.

OILY: The entire planet is one big city.


OILY: Ow! Hey, would you stop that?

LI-GON: I've warned you about stating the obvious.


Trantoruscant looks like a giant pincushion (according to the book), with many tall skyscrapers pointing toward the sky, and repulsorlift vehicles - in short, just watch "The Fifth Element" and you'll see what I'm talking about. Only this is ten times bigger.


OB-EWAN: I have a bad feeling about this.

LI-GON: Okay, you already said that, but I trust your judgment. Now, why?

OB-EWAN: I just felt like billions of voices cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.

LI-GON: (sighing) There's always a bigger fish.


LI-GON: Never mind.

On a landing platform, Supreme Cameo Valium and Senator Chin Palpitatine wait for the Queen's royal transport to land.

OB-EWAN: How the hell did they know we were coming?

LI-GON: It's bound to be in the script somewhere.

OB-EWAN: (muttering) Jedi intuition.



VALIUM: Welcome, Your... um... Highness! It is an honor to finally meet you in person (although you are just the queen of one of billions of inhabited worlds and I don't know why I AM so happy to meet you). I must tell you how stressed everyone is over the current paradox... er... dilemma... er... you know, situation. I've called a special session of the Senate to hear your position.


VALIUM: This isn't Washington D.C., Your Highness.

AMIDALA: That means no bipartisanship?

VALIUM: That is correct.

LI-GON: I have written this wonderful book called "The Gin Report." This is all we need to throw the media into a frenzy and get the Federation thrown out on their ass.

PICARD: I resent that!

AMIDALA: I am grateful for your concern, Cameo.

They get into a taxi cab. A thin, half-naked woman with hair that resembles red yarn falls through the roof.

JAB JAB: Oh, mooie mooie!

LI-GON: I must speak with the Jedi Council immediately, Your Honor. The situation has become much more predictable.

VALIUM: As soon as I can get you in. Right now, they're kind of busy writing this story.


Queen Amilida- I mean, Amalaria- oh, forget it. The Queen sits in a chair, wearing an elaborate costume, and a headdress that has a big neon sign in it that's flashing 'DA QUEEN'. She is sitting listening to Palpitatine. Eirtae and Rabe stand behind the queen; Patme is nowhere to be seen. Gee, what a shock. Manakin and Jab Jab are waiting in an adjoining room.

JAB JAB: Dissen all pitty odd to my.

MANAKIN: Don't look at me, I don't know what's going on.

JAB JAB: Den whata mesa sposed to be lookin at?

MANAKIN: Well, there are three babes and some old dude in that room.


Palpitatine is pacing as Captain Shatner enters.

PALPITATINE: ...the Republic is not what it once was. The Senate is full of greedy, squabbling delegates who are only looking out for themselves and their home states- dah, I mean their home systems. There is no interest in the common evil- dah, the common good. No civility, only politics. It's delightf- disgusting. I must be frank, Your Majesty, there's little chance that the Senate will act on the invasion. (He sighs) I remember, when we were still young, we used to stay up all night, talking in the Senate until the sun came up. Just talking. Now, we hardly ever talk. It never returns my calls. Sometimes I don't think it's really the same government. The magic is gone. Just a bunch of young whippersnappers who think they're hot snot. Not like the good old days.

AMA-WHATEVER: Cameo Valium seems nice.

PALPITATINE: Yes, but he's mired in accusations of corruption.

AMA-WHATEVER: They're baseless, right?

PALPITATINE: Not really. See, a dozen female interns of various species have claimed that he got them into a big mud pit, took a fire hose, and- well, I digress. Several of the interns were former handmaidens of yours, I believe.

AMA-WHATEVER: What the hell? Do all the hot chicks in this galaxy come from NuhBoo?

PALPITATINE: It's GL's galaxy, Your Majesty. Twelve million inhabited systems, and things only ever happen in a half dozen of them. The point is, the bureaucrats have control of the Senate now.

AMA-WHATEVER: And controlling them is impossible.

PALPITATINE: (with genuine menace) Not for a Sith.

AMA-WHATEVER: What was that?

PALPITATINE: Oh, did I say that out loud? Sorry, slip of the tongue. What I meant to say was that we need a stronger Supreme Cameo, one who will take control of the bureaucrats, dissolve the Senate, give the regional governors direct control over their territories, and use fear to keep the local systems in line. You could call for an I-don't-like-you vote in the Senate. Of course, I in no way have any personal interest in the particular outcome of the next election of the Cameo at all whatsoever.

AMA-WHATEVER: Are there any other options?

PALPITATINE: Well, I was thinking going for a drink, maybe dinner, catch a movie-- Oh, I'm sorry. You could go to the courts, but it's not a sure thing. After all, they let off OJ.

AMA-WHATEVER: That is something I cannot do.

PALPITATINE: Sure it is. You just fill out the proper forms, submit them to--

AMA-WHATEVER: I was speaking metaphorically.

PALPITATINE: Oh. I knew that.

AMA-WHATEVER: I was not elected to watch my people suffer and die while a bunch of senile old farts sit around wondering if nuhBoo is the name for a planet or for what they do after eating meat. Our people are dying, Senator. We muzz do something quickly.

PALPITATINE: Sorry? I didn't catch that.

AMA-WHATEVER: We muzz do something quickly.

PALPITATINE: Erm, right...


Li-Gon and Ob-Ewan stand before the esteemed Jedi Council.

LI-GON: My only conclusion can be that he was a Sith Lord.




STUDY3600: Hi! I'm the author of this part of the story!

SAMUEL L. WINDY: I do not believe that the Sith could have returned without us knowing.

YOGA: Hard, to see, the Dark Side is. Perhaps if it weren't as dark... Discover who the assassin is, we must.

LI-GON: Why do you talk backwards, Yoga?

YOGA: Sound wiser that way, I do. For many hours have I watched this thread. Not a single whack have I seen lately.


OB-EWAN: Is that better, you freak of nature who sounds like Grover?


LI-GON: Yoga is an esteemed member of the Jedi Council. Don't you DARE hit him!

DARTH VEDA, HINDU JEDI: I thought it was funny!




GL: ENOUGH OF THIS! Back to the Sith discussion!

KI-ADI BUNDY: I sense he will reveal himself again.

WINDY: This attack is with purpose, that is clear. And I agree that the Queen is his target.

YOGA: With this NuhBoo queen you must stay, Li-Gon. Protect her.

WINDY: May the Force be with you.

OB-EWAN: I have a bad feeling about this.

LI-GON: There's always a bigger fish.

YOGA: Master Li-Gon, more to say, have you?

LI-GON: With your permission, my Master... I have encountered a vergence in the Force.

WINDY: A virgin? Hell, no.

YOGA: A virgin I am not, eh Yaddle?

YADDLE: Ohhh, Yoga, you are soooo wise!

LI-GON: I said A VERGENCE, you damn pervs!

YOGA: Located around a person?

LI-GON: A boy. His cells have the highest rendering of mito-chondrions, er, midi-chlorines I have seen in a life form.

FANS: About this midi-chlorine thing, we don't give a damn how the Force works. Let's just try to keep it mysterious, 'kay?

LI-GON: And get this- he has no father.

SPEAK: You mean like Jesus Christ?

LI-GON: Shut up! And I believe that he may have been conceived by midi-chlorines.

WINDY: You refer to the prophecy of the one who will bring balance to the Force.

LI-GON: That wasn't a question. I need not answer.

WINDY: You believe it is this... boy?

LI-GON: Yes... and I doubt he's a virgin. But I don't presume--

YOGA: But you do! Revealed your opinion is!

LI-GON: I request the boy be tested.


LI-GON: That, among other things. Finding him was the will of the Force. I have no doubt of that. There is too much happening here.

WINDY: Then bring him before us.

YOGA: (ominously) Tested, he will be.

Bowing, Li-Gon turns and leaves the room.


Manakin is tentatively walking down a hallway. He stops at a door that has two guards.

GUARD: It's coming right for us!

The guards open fire on Manakin, who dives behind a statue.

MANAKIN: Hey! What the *$&^% do you think you're doing!?

The guards stop firing.

GUARD: Oh, it's you. Sorry.

MANAKIN: (muttering) Trigger-happy punks. (louder) I was looking for my bi- er, the handmaiden, Patme.

The guard pulls out his comlink.

GUARD: Some little perv's here to see Patme.

RABE: (over com) Send him in.

The doors open and Manakin walks in.

RABE: I'm sorry, Mani. Patme's... um... not here right now. Yes, that's it.

AMIDALA: (o.s.) Who is it?

RABE: Manakin Streetwalker here to see you. I mean, Patme.

The queen enters, wearing an elaborate costume, complete with landing lights. Her hair has been braided into a seat, which has a midget sitting in it, juggling and singing.

AMIDALA: I've sent Patme on an errand.

MANAKIN: Hey, what's that around your neck? It looks just like that good luck charm I gave Patme.

AMIDALA: This? Ummm... you must be mistaken.

MANAKIN: No, I'm pretty sure. In fact, I can see where I carved my name in it.

The Queen motions towards two handmaidens. They grab Manakin's arms and start dragging him out the door.

MANAKIN: I'm going to the Jedi temple, I just wanted to say good-bye.

AMIDALA: We will tell her your message. Be assured she'll be glad to be rid of you.

The handmaidens take Manakin outside. Blaster fire can be heard.

GUARD: (o.s.) It's coming right for us!

AMIDALA: (sighing) We have got to cut down on their sugar intake



Got a little carried away there.

The senate chambers are huge. Thousands of squabbling delegates- er, senators and their aides sit in the circular arena. Cameo Valium sits in an elevated area in the center. Hindreds (so the script says - maybe hindred is a SW number) of aides, droids, clowns, convicts, gurus, and nurses (Did we mention aides?) hurry about. This is a very long scene description, so I'll shorten it. The villain, the Queen, and her hand-and-foot-maidens sit in the NuhBoo box.

PALPITATINE: If the Federation moves to defer the motion, Your Maje- Highness, I beg of you to ask for a resolution to end this congregational session.

AMIDALA: What the hell is that supposed to mean? Throw me a friggin' bone here. I'm not a lawyer for Christsake.

PALPITATINE: Oh, sorry. I'm not sure, either. Anyway, you must force a new election for Supreme Cameo. I promise you there are many who will support me, er... us... in the... you know... it is our best chance... our only chance.

AMIDALA: So you're saying... you truly believe Cameo Valium will not bring our motion to a vote?

PALPITATINE: In plain English, please.

AMIDALA: You started it!

PALPITATINE: Anyway, most of the kids in the audience don't know what we're blabbering about. Well, hear this. In the plainest English possible: THE CAMEO IS A MORON. HE WILL DO NOTHING ABOUT THE INVASION. A NEW CAMEO NEEDS TO BE ELECTED.

VALIUM: The Chair recognizes the Senator from the sovereign system of NuhBoo.


HIS AIDE: No one knows what 'sovereign' means.

The NuhBoo congressional box floats to the center.

PALPITATINE: Members of the Senate. A tragedy has engulfed the NuhBoo system, one that you're all aware of.

There is confused murmuring among the crowd.

PALPITATINE: You know, the one that started right here with the taxation of trade routes?

There is no response.

PALPITATINE: Oh, come on, you know the one I'm talking about! With the Trade Federation, and the mysterious Sith lord, and the invasion?

A second box rushes into the center of the Senate. It is filled with Federation trade barons led by Lotta Doodoo, the Senator for the Federation.

LOTTA: This is outrageous! You're the one that hired us to invade NuhBoo in the first place, you moron!

PALPITATINE: (nervously) I- I don't know what you mean.

LOTTA: Oh, like we couldn't recognize you under that cloak. It's sooo obvious. I can't believe there are people who still think you're not Sideous.

PALPITATINE: Ummm.... (he turns to Cameo Valium and makes a small motion with his hand) The Chair does not recognize the Senator from the Trade Federation at this time.

VALIUM: The Chair does not recognize the Senator from the Trade Federation at this time.

PALPITATINE: (muttering) Works every time. (louder) I now present Queen- ummm... the Queen of NuhBoo, who speaks on our behalf.

Amidala stands.

AMIDALA: My planet has been invaded, and we are not tough enough to fight the Trade Federation by ourselves, so I'm asking for you to do your jobs and get our butts out of a sling.

PALPITATINE: (whisper) Well put your highnessness.

AMIDALA: (fierce whisper) These movies are being made for ten-year-olds, remember?

VALIUM: The chair recognizes the simplicity of the request and--

LOTTA: This is ludicrous! If you help them they won't need to beg to the Glubglubs and hundreds of hours of CGI work will go down the crapper!

VALIUM: I didn't recognize you under all that make-up. (ugly guy whispers in his ear) Oh, all right, we'll have to stall then. Is that okay with you, queeny?

AMIDALA: (whispering to Palpitatine) Why don't you do that hand waving thing again?

PALPITATINE: (thinking fast) It only works once a session.

AMIDALA: I wasn't elected to watch my people suffer and die while you sit on your bums drinking Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters! As a matter of fact, I wasn't elected at all. You don't vote for queens!

VOICE FROM CROWD: How'd you become queen then?


AMIDALA: If you aren't going to act, I call for a vote of No Consequence!

Gasps are heard from the huge chamber, that miraculously doesn't swallow up every single sound in the general hum of the machinery.


Ob-Ewan and Li-Gon stand on a balcony outside the Jedi Temple.

OB-EWAN: That perv just ain't cut out for it, you know. The council won't buy it.

LI-GON: Manakin will become a Jedi. Or a Sith. You know, whatever.

OB-EWAN: Do not defy the council, master. Not again.


LI-GON: I will do what I damn well please, Ob-Ewan.

OB-EWAN: Master, you could be on the council, if only you posted a few more times. You've already got 25 posts, you're almost a full member.

LI-GON: Posts not make on great.

OB-EWAN: (muttering) Been listening to Yoga too much.


LI-GON: What have I told you about muttering?

The two Jedi look out over the balcony. It is a beautiful sunset, with hundreds of airspeeders filling the air above the huge city. Suddenly, the scene flickers and is replaced by a blue screen.

LI-GON: What the hell?! George, what happened to the CGI?

GL: Sorry, the computer crashed. Damned Windows 98. Hang on, I think we've got it back.

Suddenly, a huge Tyrannosaurus Rex appears in a rainy field and roars at the Jedi.

OB-EWAN: Look out!

The T-Rex disappears, and the blue screen shows up again.

GL: Sorry, loaded the wrong footage. That was from Jurassic Park.

LI-GON: Well, get it right this time!

GL: Yeah, yeah. Keep your underpants on.

LI-GON: I'm not wearing any.

GL: That is something I did not need to know.


Manakin stands before the Jedi Council. Samuel L. Windy is holding a small viewscreen, which has images flashing across it.

WINDY: Can we hurry up? Okay. 'Mani', what do you see?

MANAKIN: A bunch of bums.

WINDY: I meant with your eyes closed, you dimwit!



MANAKIN: A ship.




MANAKIN: A ship.


YOGA: Such a wide vocabulary you have, mmmmmm...

WINDY: Yes, correct- what's the difference?

YOGA: Sound cooler that way you would.


The Queen is standing, staring out of a window at a brick wall, with Jab Jab. Two hand-and-foot maidens stand near the door.

JAB JAB: Glubglubs get pasted too, eh?

AMIDALA: Yep. And it's about time- er- um- I hope not.

JAB JAB: Glubglubs do die'n without a fight... wesa warriors. Wesa gotta grand army. Dat why you no liken us, metinks.

AMIDALA: Damn. No, your race is just plain annoying.

Palpitatine and Captain Shatner rush into the room and bow before the queen.

SHATNER: Your Majesty... Darth... er... Senator Palpita... tine... has been... nominated to succeed... Valium as... Supreme Cameo.

PALPITATINE: A surprise, to be sure, but an obvious one. I promise, Your Highness, if I am elected, I will bring the Republic to its knees and put an end to democracy. The Trade Federation will gain more influence over the bureaucrats, and our people will be enslaved.

AMIDALA: Oh, really? Who else can be nominated?

SHATNER: Any former wrestler... I suppose... and of course... there's Al Gore.


AMIDALA: I fear by the time you have control of the bureaucrats, Senator, there will be nothing left of our cities, our people, our way of life...

PALPITATINE: That's the idea. I've been waiting for this for a long time.

AMIDALA: (suddenly suspicious) That's great. Say, I need to go... powder my nose.

She grabs Shatner and drags him from the room. Palpitatine watches them curiously.

AMIDALA: Listen, going back to NuhBoo is exactly what he does NOT want me to do. I have to beat him at his own game.

SHATNER: What... do you mean?

AMIDALA: He used a Jedi Mind Trick to manipulate you. Snap out of it! My heavy make-up blocks Force-waves.

SHATNER: But... you won't... be safe.

AMIDALA: I'm going back, no ifs, ands, or buts about it!

SHATNER: Okay... have it... your way.


AMIDALA: Burger King isn't affiliated with Star Wars.


Manakin, Ob-Ewan, and Li-Gon stand before the twelve angry men- er, members of the Jedi Council.

YOGA: Correct you were, Li-Gon.

WINDY: His cells have a high concentration of... what was that word?

YOGA: Midi-chlorines.

WINDY: Oh yeah, midi-chlorines.

TABHWD: The Force is strong in him.

KI-ADI: That was my line!

TAB: It's not my fault Study left me out of his previous post!


WINDY: Shut up, you!

LI-GON: He is to be tested, then.

WINDY: You assume too much.

YOGA: What makes you think he is to be trained?

WINDY: He will not be trained, under any circumstance.

Manakin is relieved.

LI-GON: No?!

Ob-Ewan smiles.

WINDY: He is too old. There is already too much anger in him.

LI-GON: The audience doesn't know that. GL should have left in the part where he beats up that Rodian.

Yoga sighs.

LI-GON: He is the Chosen One. You must see it!

YOGA: So was Maul! I am SICK and TIRED of your 'Chosen Ones'! Every boy without a father is the chosen one!

LI-GON: I will train him, then! No one else seems to give a damn. No wonder I have a green saber! What's with you guys?

YOGA: Again, here we go. Li-Gon, an apprentice you have. Why do we have to go through this every ten years or so?

LI-GON: Ob-Ewan is ready.

OB-EWAN: I am ready! Ben, tell him I'm ready--

He stands up and hits his head on a low beam.

YOGA: And so was Adolf Hitler! Look at what he went and did!

LI-GON: Headstrong... and he has much to learn about the living Force--


YOGA: UNIFYING FORCE! Always with you it is the living Force! Living Force this. Living Force that! You are reckless!

GHOST OF ALEC GUINESS: So was I, if you'll recall.

LI-GON: There's always a bigger fish.

YOGA: Always with you there is a bigger fish! Move on with your life! Go somewhere!

OB-EWAN: I have a bad feeling about this.

YOGA: And you! Always with you there is a bad feeling you have! And you, Windy! Always with you the Force is with someone! I think I'll go isolate myself on some swamp world! Yeah, that's what I'll do! Appreciated around here, I am not!

LI-GON: How do you think I feel? You know what? I'm taking Manakin AND Ob-Ewan. I'll be leaving now.

YOGA: So be it, Jedi.

He raises his hand and blue lightning shoots out. Li-Gon falls to the floor in agony.

YOGA: You will now pay the price for your extra posts!

More blue lightning pumps into Li-Gon, more and more.

YOGA: Only now, at the end, do you understand!

He zaps Li-Gon more.

LI-GON: Help! Ob-Ewan... please... help me...

Meanwhile, Samuel L. Windy is talking with Manakin. (Don't worry about Li-Gon, we'll come back to him.)

WINDY: You afraid, boy?


WINDY: What planet you from?


WINDY: What? What ain't no planet I ever heard of. They speak English on What?



WINDY: Say what again. Say what one more time, I dare you!

Manakin stands silently.

WINDY: Now. What does Yoga look like?

MANAKIN: He- he's green... he's short...

WINDY: Does he look like a Sith?


Windy ignites his brightsaber and cuts off Mani's right hand.


WINDY: Does he look like a Sith?


Windy leans back in his chair and regards Manakin.

WINDY: I look forward to completing your training.

LI-GON: Hey, has everyone forgotten about me?! I'm getting electrocuted over here!

Holding his severed wrist, Manakin looks over at Li-Gon. Then he looks at Yoga. Then he looks back at Li-Gon. Then Yoga.

LI-GON: Take your 'frikkin time, sweetheart!

Manakin finally runs over and grabs Yoga. (Despite the fact that he's missing a hand) Yoga's face contorts in surprise, and lightning bolts begin flying from his hands all across the room. Walking over the nearest window, Manakin throws Yoga off the temple.

STUDY: You know, Purp, this is a really weird scene.

PURP: Hey, you started it.

Ob-Ewan looks about the events, disgusted. He looks skyward.

OB-EWAN: You gonna do somethin' 'bout this?

Suddenly, the booming voice of God is heard--



OB-EWAN: No religion references in here! They're already calling us racists!

Hmph. Sorry.

Ahem. The booming voice of an angry bearded man is heard and all violence halts.

GL: What the hell do you think this is, 'Actor's Lib'? Stick to the script people!

Everyone looks at each other in surprise.

MANAKIN: What script?

KI-ADI BUNDY: There's a script?

YOGA: Know of a script, I have not.

SAMUEL L. WINDY: I ain't heard 'bout no script!

LI-GON: Told you so!


LI-GON: What's the big idea with hitting me, George? I told them all there was a script, but did they listen? Nooo--


GL: What'd I'd tell you about foreshadowing?!


A big, glowing book appears through the wonders of CGI. The actors read it, fascinated.

ALL: Ohh! That script!

Manakin walks over, picks up his hand and screws it back into his wrist. Yoga levitates himself back up to the Council room. Li-Gon brushes the soot off his face and stands up.

LI-GON: Thank you, paddleone, you have restored the natural order of--


OB-EWAN: Yeah, like YOU care! You were gonna throw me to the wolves so you could teach this little--


OB-EWAN: I'm really gonna get Vacuous for starting this!

GL: This is a PG movie folks! Let's keep it that way!

KI-ADI BUNDY: Hmph. And yet no one has made any comment to the fact that a nine year old is putting the moves on a fourteen year old queen!

GL: I heard that!

Samuel L. Windy regains his composure and takes his seat, addressing the Jedi.

WINDY: Now is not the time for this. The eight-year olds are already bored and befuddled by all this sneaky plot work and rationalization of the Force. We have word that the Queen is really a crossdresser--

The Council turns to him, shocked. Windy looks at his cue cards, then looks up to the stagehands sarcastically. The stagehands snicker.

WINDY: Ha ha, very freakin' funny!

STAGEHAND 1: (o.s.) Shoulda tried memorizing your lines, buddy!

Grumbling, Windy flips through his cue cards and finds the right one.

WINDY: Ahem. I was wrong. And seeing how the more important scenes of this movie are gonna wind up on the cutting room floor anyways, I'm sure that will be edited out. Or sold as a bloopers video for more franchising. Anyways, we have word that the Queen is returning to NuhBoo. This will put pressure on the CGI to try to create two armies created of computer graphics and will widen the confrontation. Go with the Queen to NuhBoo and discover the identity of this--

He flips to the next card.

WINDY: (cont) --dark warrior who attacked you. This will be the key to unraveling the mystery.

MANAKIN: Am I the only one who thought that the key to the mystery was the fact that this bad-ass carried a brightsaber and dressed in Jedi robes?


WINDY: Don't impede on my dramatic line


Li-Gon, Ob-Ewan, and Manakin stand outside on the landing platform, talking.

OB-EWAN: It's not disrespect, Master, it's the truth.

LI-GON: From your point of view.

OB-EWAN: From my point of view? What's that supposed to mean?

LI-GON: You will find that many of the truths that we cling to depend heavily on our own point of view.

Long pause.

OB-EWAN: That's the biggest crock of shit I've ever heard in my life.


LI-GON: Watch your mouth. Trust me, you'll be using that line someday.

OB-EWAN: Yeah, right, when I'm dead and gone and live on only as a blue ghost.

He storms into the ship.

MANAKIN: Master Li-Gon, sir, I don't want to be a problem.

LI-GON: It's a little late for that.

MANAKIN: Master Li-Gon, I heard you talking about midi-chlorines. I was wondering... what are midi-chlorines?

FANS: Yeah! What the heck are midi-chlorines?

LI-GON: I'm glad you asked, Timmy.


LI-GON: Whatever. Here, watch this informative film.

He pulls out his hand-held holographic projector, which begins projecting images of a strange blot thing with a smiley face drawn on it.

MR. MC: Hi, kids! I'm Mr. Midi-Chlorine! And I'm here to tell you all about midi-chlorines! You see, midi-chlorines live in all living creatures, and they allow them to talk with the Force!

MANAKIN: So you're saying the Force is actually a bunch of parasites?

MR. MC: Ummm... no. See, it's still mystical and unknown, it's just that this is a scientific way to measure one's Force potential.

MANAKIN: How can it be mystical and scientific at the same time?

MR. MC: Ummm... mystical... that doesn't compute... er... you're under arrest!


Mr. Midi-Chlorine disappears as the holo ends.

LI-GON: Now do you understand, Mani?

MANAKIN: No! That didn't teach me a damned thing!

LI-GON: (sighing) Look, Mani, I'm not allowed to train you, but watch me closely. I really am quite awesome, so you'll learn stuff anyway.

MANAKIN: So, you're forbidden to train me, so there really isn't any reason for me to go with you, but you have decided that it might be fun to put me into danger by taking me along? Just for kicks, is that it?


LI-GON: That's for using your brain.

Queen Arma... ama... ami... uh... the Queen strolls toward the ship, with 700 people following her, because, after all, she is the Queen.

Li-Gon and Mani bow to her. Li-Gon notices that Mani has a mirror on his shoe and is trying to look up the Queen's dress.


LI-GON: Mani, don't even try. Her clothes are WAY too layered. Superman couldn't see through those outfits.

MANAKIN: Who's Superman?

Li-Gon ignores him and turns his attention to the Queen.

LI-GON: Your highness, it is our privilege to be forced to serve you again.

QUEEN: Thank you, Master Jedi. Your help will be most appreciated.

LI-GON: Help with what? We're actually using you for bait to draw out the Dark Warrior.

QUEEN: Oh... well, whatever.


Rune Viiking and Newt Raygun are sitting at the conference table, two shot glasses, lemon wedges, two salt shakers, and a bottle of copper-colored liquid sit before them on the table.

RUNE: ...qwwite the delightful game, Velcro. All yhoo do, is lick (he licks the salt off of his hand), drink (downs the shotglass in one swallow) and ssssuck.

Rune starts to suck out the lemon pulp when the image of Darth Chin suddenly appears. In shock, Rune accidentally sucks the entire lemon wedge into his mouth. Newt quickly sweeps his arm across the conference table, knocking all the contents on the floor, before Darth Chin could spot them. He smiles sheepishly as Rune's face starts contorting from the sourness of the lemon still hidden in his mouth.

DARTH CHIN: The Queen is on her way to you.

RUNE: Really? We haven't been able to track her. Did your supreme and awesome powers as a Sith Lord inform you of this?

Meanwhile, Newt's face is crunching in on itself and tears are spewing from his eyes.

DARTH CHIN: No, you fool, she told me herself.

Newt spits out the lemon wedge behind him.

NEWT: Yhoo mean she hass discovered that yhoo are really Senator Pal--


DARTH CHIN: Hey! There are still some kids and some brainless adults that still haven't put the two together. I mean, I don't know why, its rather obvious. How else would the Trade Federation know that they are back if I hadn't told them! Or why would I be so interested in being Cameo? Or, if all else escaped them, you block out the top part of my face with your thumb, and we even LOOK the same, and--

Darth Chin suddenly realizes that Newt and Rune are looking at him funny.

DARTH CHIN: (cont) Anyhow that's not the point! No plot revealing! Anyways, is the planet secure, Velcro?

NEWT: Yhhes, my Lord. We are in complete control of the planet now.

The sound of weapons firing, bombs exploding, and droids being obliterated in the distance can be heard. Outside the window, a huge revolt is taking place.

LI-GON: (o.s.) Vive la France! ...oh wait, wrong movie. Damn, I always get these two confused!

Rune races over and draws the curtains closed, a nervous smile on his face.

DARTH CHIN: Good. I will see to it that in the Senate, things stay as they are. I am sending Darth Bludgeon to join you. He will find your lossst sship.

NEWT: Uhhh, we're already past that part.

DARTH CHIN: Not for a Sith it isn't!

NEWT: (whispers) Oh no, they're falling back on their catch phrases again!

GL: Argh! It's 'he will deal with the Jedi'! Get your menacing lines straight!

DARTH CHIN: Ahem. He will deal with the Jedi.

NEWT: Yes, my lord.

Darth Chin fades out.

RUNE: A Sith lord here with us?!

NEWT: Maybe we can teach him our new game...


Manakin is in the cockpit with Rick Oily, who points to a button labeled, 'Forward Stabilizer'.

OILY: That one controls the forward stabilizer.

He points to one labeled 'Pitch'.

OILY: (cont) And that one controls the pitch.

Manakin rolls his eyes and points to one labeled 'Yaw'.

MANAKIN: And that one controls the yaw, right?

Oily looks at Manakin, obviously impressed.

OILY: You catch on pretty quick.


SHATNER: As soon... as we land... the Federation... will... force you... to sign the treaty.

LI-GON: He's right. What the hell do you think your doing?

QUEEN: I'm taking back what's mine, er, ours.

SHATNER: There are... too many of... them, Your Highness/Majesty. We have... no weapons.

The Queen looks to Li-Gon. Li-Gon catches her eye.

LI-GON: (throws his hands up) No way! I'm keeping my life, thanks!

Amidala gives him the evil eye, then looks at Jab Jab.

QUEEN: Jab Jab Rinks!

JAB JAB: (looks up) Mesa, Your Highness?


QUEEN: No. The OTHER Jab Jab in this room! Who do you think?! (straightens up and goes back to her monotone voice. She hesitates on her next sentence) I need your help.


The ship approaches NuhBoo. The blockade is gone.

OILY: Blockade's gone!


LI-GON: You don't listen very well, do you? Besides, the war's over. No use for it now.

OILY: I have one battleship on my scope. Wonder what it is.

OB-EWAN: It's the droid control ship, genius. It probably spotted us. We haven't much time.

SHATNER: There's... something... on the wing.

OB-EWAN: I have a bad feeling about this.

LI-GON: There's always a bigger fish.


Shatner, the Queen, and her handmaidens are preparing to leave the ship. The elevator door opens, and Manakin steps out. He looks around, then runs over to Patme.

PATME: Mani! What are you doing here? (mutters) As if I didn't know.


MANAKIN: I don't like muttering either! Anyway, I have to stay with the old hack, Li-Gon, since he's so insistent that I'm the 'Chosen One'. I'm not gonna be a Jedi, which makes me pissed. Where are we going?

PATME: To war, I'm afraid. I had to make the most difficult decision of my life... I mean, the Queen had to make the most difficult decision of her life. She doesn't believe in fighting. We're a peaceful people.

MANAKIN: Yeah, I'm sure. Then why do you have blasters and fighters and all that crap?


PATME: No one's supposed to question that! It'll start a whole new feud between fans with theories and all that crap!


LI-GON: I feel the presence of the Sith.

OB-EWAN: (listening to very loud heavy metal from a portable music player) What? You're feeling a Sith?


LI-GON: (rips off Ob-Ewan's headphones) No, dumbass! I said I feel the presence of the Sith.

OB-EWAN: Ohhhh.... Listen, I apologize for the way I've acted. I am grateful that you think I am now up to facing the trails.

LI-GON: You have been an excellent apprentice, Ob-Ewan. I foresee you will become a great Jedi Knight. And you are a much wiser man than I am.

OB-EWAN: Whoa! That was a twist! Why'd you say that?

LI-GON: Well, you see, I had to give the half-asleep audience a clever phrase to foreshadow how the older you got to be so wise and all and how he was just so much better than I am. Plus I need to make them feel really sorry for me when I die.


GL: Dammit, Liam, stop doing that!


LI-GON: What was that for?! It's no big secret! Half the audience found out before they even saw this movie from reading the back of the soundtrack album!

GL: Dammit, John, stop doing that!


JW: What was I supposed to do? Label Track 15 as "Some Nifty Jazzy-Type Music Followed by Heartwrenching Violin Music" and Track 16 as "The High Council Meeting and A Bunch of Basses That Sound Like They're Singing a Catholic Monk Death Chant"?

GL: (thinking) You know, that could've worked.

JW: Really? I thought about it, but then I decided that it would be a lot cheaper to go with the labels already on there.

OB-EWAN: How come I don't get a theme?

GL: You could've labeled it something like "Funeral Pyre" or--

OB-EWAN: How come I don't get a theme?

JW: How about "Darth Maul's Defeat?"

GL: We didn't have music for that scene. Plus it would still give something away.

OB-EWAN: How come I don't get a theme?

JW: Okay, how about "The Stabbing of Li-Gon"? People won't know that he's necessarily "killed" and it would sound really interesting.

GL: Slick! Go with that!


John Williams looks at Ewan.

JW: You do get a theme- in the original trilogy.

OB-EWAN: But that's Sir Alec Guiness's theme and all it is is the double sunset music playing every five minutes.

JW: But it was with different instruments.

OB-EWAN: (whining) But I want my own theme in THIS movie.

JW: You're not an important enough character to have a theme.

OB-EWAN: Not important enough?! I'm the guy who trains this freakin' kid and he gets his own three-minute theme!

JW: But it had the "Imperial March" woven into it.

OB-EWAN: That doesn't mean anything! We don't even hear that in his theme except in the ending credits.

JW: What?! Is this true, George?

GL: I didn't want people to make that connection yet.

JW: Oh, like they don't know already! And it's not like your Sidious/Palpatine hints are too subtle, either. Did anybody notice that he's not listed in the ending credits? They all know they're the same person!


GL: Shut up!

LI-GON: While we're on this subject, can I have my own theme, too?


QUEEN: Guys, guys! Can we get back to the movie, please?

GL, JW, Li-Gon, and Ob-Ewan all say "fine" like little kids and walk away with their heads down.


OB-EWAN: Do you think Queen Armi... amla.... ala... the Queen will be successful?

LI-GON: No. But she thinks so. She told me to tell you that we should not use our powers. But I'm gonna use the mind trick anyway.

OB-EWAN: But I heard that you can't do that.

LI-GON: (quickly) That's not true! I can to do the Jedi Mind Trick!

Camera turns from the Jedi to show the rest of the group with Jab Jab coming out of the swamp water.

JAB JAB: Theresa nobody dere! Some kinda fightin', my tinks.

SHATNER: Do you... think they were... taken to camps?

OB-EWAN: (giddily) Hopefully they were wiped out... I mean, they were probably wiped out.

JAB JAB: Mesa no tink so.

LI-GON: Do you know where they are?

JAB JAB: When in trouble, Glubglubs go to decaying Buddah statues place.


BOSS NASTY: Yousa gain?

QUEEN: I am the Queen of the NuhBoo. I come before you in peace.

BOSS NASTY: NuhBoo biggen. Yousa bring the mackineeks. Yousa all bombad.

QUEEN: No offense, your Honor, but I believe you are the obese one here. And bombad isn't even a word.... Anyway, we wish to form an alliance--

PATME: Your Honor!

BOSS NASTY: Whosa da hell are yousa?

PATME: I am the Queen. She's only a decoy. Don't pay attention to her. I'm sorry for my deception, but it was necessary to defend myself, and it was a quick way to get out of the job and slack off.

She looks around, expecting everyone to be stunned by the sudden revelation.

OB-EWAN: You mean no one was supposed to realize that?

PATME: Well... yeah!

LI-GON: Oh, please. It was so obvious.

JAB JAB: Even mesa be knowin dat.

MANAKIN: (mumbling to himself) Well, I didn't know.

PATME: Although we never agree, your Honor, our two great societies have always kinda lived in peace. The Trade Federation has destroyed all that we've had our subjects work so hard to build and we've worked so hard to supervise. If we do not work quickly, all will be lost forever. I ask you to help us... no, I beg you to help us. (Drops to one knee) We are your humble servants.

BOSS NASTY: (considering) Hmmmmmm... No.


Li-Gon waves his hand, making certain that no one except Ob-Ewan can see it.

BOSS NASTY: Yousa no tinking yousa greater than the Glubglubs?

PATME: (softly) Well, I didn't say that...

Li-Gon waves his hand again.

BOSS NASTY: (laughs) Mesa like dis. Maybe wesa being friends.

Everyone gets up and cheers. Ob-Ewan grudgingly hands Li-Gon a fifty Republic dactaries.


A lookout sits on top of a statue that is conveniently placed in the middle of an empty grass field. He spots something in the distance.


MANAKIN: About fricking time.

Manakin runs over to where the Queen and the Jedi are discussing battle plans. Four speeders pull up, letting out Captain Shatner, the pilot, and about a dozen guards dressed in nutcracker outfits.

PATME: What's the situation?

SHATNER: We've... been... invaded... remember?


PATME: Could someone who talks at a normal pace please explain it to me?

LI-GON: Here, I'll get it. (pulls out a copy of the script) Ahem. "Almost everyone's in camps. A few hundred police and guards have formed an underground movement. I brought as many of the keaders as I could. The Federation Army's also much larger than we thought, and much stronger. Your Highness, this is a battle I do not think we can win."

PATME: You brought the keaders?

Li-Gon peers at the script.

LI-GON: Oops, typo. I mean leaders.

PATME: Right. Anyway, the battle is a diversion. The Glubglubs must draw the droid army away from the city. We will enter the city through the incredibly convenient secret passageways. Captain Shatner will create a diversion, so that we can enter the palace. Once inside, we will capture the Velcro. Without him, they will be lost and confused.

OB-EWAN: Wait a tic. Let me get this straight- you're not going to kill him?

LI-GON: No, we simply capture him and assume the entire army falls apart without his leadership.


OB-EWAN: I have a brightsaber. You give me five minutes, I'll go get it, BAM! I'll kill him.

LI-GON: You just... don't get it, do you, Ob-Ewan?

OB-EWAN: Come on, we can kill him together, it'll be fun!

LI-GON: One more word out of you, young man, and you are grounded!

OB-EWAN: It's no hassle.


OB-EWAN: All I'm saying is--


OB-EWAN: You're being immature--


OB-EWAN: Stop acting like a baby!


OB-EWAN: Listen, I just--

LI-GON: Let me tell you a little story about a man named:



LI-GON: That was a preemptive whack. And just know that I have a whole hand full of whack with your name on it.

Boss Nasty walks up behind Li-Gon.

LI-GON: (cont) You realize, a lot of those Glubglubs are gonna get pasted.

NASTY: What?! Yousa no telling us dat before!

PATME: Um... no, I had a plan. We're going to... uh... send some pilots... to knock out the control ship! Yes, that's it. That's what I had planned.

LI-GON: You really think those paper-maché fighters can take on a battleship?

PATME: (whispering to Li-Gon) Not really. But, hey, it's not like I'm going up with them.


Newt Raygun and Rune Viiking sit at a table with Darth Bludgeon, playing poker.

BLUDGEON: I see your twenty truguts, and raise you fifty Republic dactaries.

RUNE: Republic credits? You must be joking.

BLUDGEON: Credits will do fine.

RUNE: No they won't. And you forgot to wave your hand.

Bludgeon rests his hand on his brightsaber.

BLUDGEON: Credits will do fine.

RUNE: Oh, you said credits! Oh, yeah, credits are great! Hell, I love credits!

Suddenly, a hologram of Darth Chin appears behind Bludgeon.

CHIN: What the hell do you think you're doing? I'm not paying you to sit around and play cards!

BLUDGEON: Well, what else I am supposed to do?

CHIN: Watch for the Jedi, you moron. Besides, you only had a pair of dueces.

RUNE: I see your fifty, and raise you two hundred.

BLUDGEON: Thanks a lot, Master.


BLUDGEON: How did you do that over the comlink!?

CHIN: Trade secret. Only masters know it. Now, what of the reports of the Rebel fleet massing near Sullust?

BLUDGEON: Wrong movie.

CHIN: Sorry. What of the reports of the Glubglub army massing near the swamps?

BLUDGEON: The Glubglub army is... well, massing near the swamps.

CHIN: Quiet, you're talking too much. We need to keep a Boba Fett-like air about you.


RUNE: My lord, what do you want us to do?

CHIN: Hmmm... (he glances down at the floors in thought) Geez, these floors are filthy! When was the last time you cleaned them?

RUNE: Uh... I don't know.

CHIN: Well, start cleaning! I want to see my face in that floor!

RUNE: Yes, my lord. Should we wipe up any spills?

CHIN: Yes. Wipe them up. All of them.


Bubbles rise from still, dark waters and pop on the surface. More and more bubbles rise to the surface, popping, and gradually a green-brown haze settles over the swamp. Kaadu break the surface, their Glubglub riders wearing gas masks. Behind them follow Fambaas, carrying the massive shield generator dishes and activation rays.

JAB JAB: Mesa not thinken feeding leftover Taco Bell Bean burritos to animals so okie-day idea. Gas mask ouchen on face!

GENERAL FOODS CEREAL: Howsa you thinkin' I get last game piece before contest enden, then? Hate to wasten food. Feeden to animals, they maken good cover so machaneeks no detecten usen when we come outen swamp.


The Glubglub army sits around chatting and eating lunch. Suddenly, the theater's sub-woofers activate as a low rumble rolls through the theater. The Glubglubs turn to see the droid army tanks rolling over the hill. General Foods Cereal chokes on the cup of coffee he's drinking.

CEREAL: Rr... rraa... ::CHOKE:: ::HACK::

JAB JAB: What? Whatsa yousen trien to says?

Cereal holds out two fingers, then one, then he lifts his hands.

JAB JAB: (cont) Two words... first word... push? Lift?

Cereal shakes his head and repeats the gesture.

JAB JAB: Sky? Clouds? Up? Raise?

Cereal nods his head.

JAB JAB: Raise? Raisen da roof?

Cereal shakes his head, then holds out two fingers and puts his hand to his ear. Then he starts gesturing at the ground.

JAB JAB: Second word... sounden like... ground? Dirt? Grass?



Cereal waves his hands, trying to encompass the entire scene.

JAB JAB: Plains? Battleground? Field?

Cereal nods vigorously.

JAB JAB: Field? Sounded like field? Yield, meald, creald... shield?

Cereal, his face now turning purple, nods.

JAB JAB: Raisen shield? Oh! Raisen da shields!

A red ray shoots from one generator towards the generator dish on the back of a Fambaa. The Fambaa carrying the generator dish dissolves in a red glow.

JAB JAB: Raise the angle 10 degrees!

Glubglubs hurry to raise the angle on the generator. Taking careful aim at the dish, they fire again. This time the ray hits the dish and a massive clear plastic umbrella pops out and covers the Glubglub army.


Patme and her Merry Band hide behind a corner of the building. She flashes a laser pointer at Capt. Shatner, who is momentarily blinded because it went right into his eyes. He falls over, creating a domino effect and toppling everybody at his corner of the building. The tinker droids hear this and start blindly firing in all directions.

PATME: (angrily throwing laser pointer down) Freakin' Republic crap!

She leads her band into the battle. As Patme tries to act tough drawing and firing a pistol that looks more like a squirt gun and sounds like one too, Li-Gon and Ob-Ewan start hacking up tinker drones. Li-Gon maintains an ultimately cool demeanor while Ob-Ewan dances around, excessively twirling his lightsaber.

OB-EWAN: Who's slick? Who's slick?! C'mon! C'mon!

Ob-Ewan does a nifty spinkick-twirly thing and dices about five droids at once. Patme notices this.

PATME: Damn he's sexy when he does that!

MANAKIN: I heard that!

Patme just glares at Mani. As the battle lingers on, Li-Gon calmly uses the Force to shatter three droids, making the audience feel refreshed and good about themselves. Capt. Shatner wanders around the frenzy, surprisingly not getting hit by the blaster fire.

SHATNER: I... can't see... help! I... can't see!

PATME: Good! Now we have an excuse to get you kicked out of this movie!


The fight continues with more slick moves from the Jedi and droids practically falling apart.


Newt Raygun and Rune Viiking sit in a couple of Laz-E-Boys, watching the events outside on a viewscreen and drinking beers. Several droid guards are present, including 007.

NEWT: This movie has no plot whatsoever.

RUNE: Yeah, but at least it's got neat special effects.

NEWT: I suppose. You know, that looks an awful lot like the courtyard right outside.

007: Uh... sir, that is outside. You're watching our security cameras.

NEWT: Are you sure?

There is a massive explosion outside, and the severed torso of a droid crashes through one of the windows.

007: Pretty sure, sir.


Federation tanks fire upon the Mecha-Umbrella-protected Glubglubs. Jab Jab's Kaadu rears and throws him, dragging him across the plains with one foot caught in a stirrup. Jab Jab's stunt-double looks on from the sidelines, a donut in his hand.

PSEUDO-JAB JAB: OH! Wasa meesa supposed to be doings datsa stunt nowsa? Maxi big sorry.

Huge droid transports roll onto plains. Massive Roly-KitsP2; unroll their cargo of neatly compartmentalized folded-up droids. The droids unfold themselves and take their standing battle positions beside squads of STAPLERS. Unfortunately, they're all facing the Roly-KitsP2;.

OOM-PAH: Troops, about face 180 degrees!

The battle droids turn around smartly, in a deafening CLACK. They bring their blasters to bear. They are now all pointing at OOM-PAH.


OOM-PAH scurries out of the way, then shouts:


All the droids begin firing at the Glubglubs but their energy bolts are deflected by the MechaUmbrella. The droids pause.

Glubglub cheers go up all around, and the amphibians are high-fiving each other right and left. Jab Jab, somehow back in the scene now, lifts his hand to high-five the soldier next to him, misses, and slaps himself in the head, knocking himself down where he is trampled for 10 minutes in the celebration.

OOM-PAH: (Repeating voice and actions) Mmmove forward! Mmmove forward! Mmmove forward!

A battle droid with a red chest plate steps forward and slaps OOM-PAH upside the head.

OOM-PAH: Thanks. Move forward!

The droids now advance on the Glubglub army, firing into the MechaUmbrella. They step under the clear plastic and begin firing at the Glubglubs.

The Glubglubs now fire back. They point their SuperSoakers at the droids and blast away. Some droids absorb the energy-laden water and continue to blast Glubglubs. Others, most notably those with red shirts - er, chestplates - are not so fortunate. The energy-water hits them and shorts out their little circuits. The Glubglubs also launch massive energy-water balloons which explode on contact and drench-short circuit more red-shirts- er, chestplates.


PATME: You all can walk calmly to your ships, now. They won't hit you even if you're standing still.

The pilots walk calmly to their ships, chatting.

PILOT #1: Y'know, I heard that Patme was featured in this month's "Galactic Playboy."

PILOT #2: Really! Hook me up!

Pilot #1 pulls out a magazine from his comically long flight uniform and shows it to Pilot #2. They page through it, saying things like "Whoa" and laughing like Beavis and Butt-Head. Patme sees this and shoots the two pilots dead. She picks up the magazine and stuffs it in her outfit.

PATME: I'll say they were killed in during the space battle.

As the band walks on in the now quiet hangar bay, Li-Gon turns to Mani.

LI-GON: Go and find a good hiding place, Mani.

MANAKIN: But I was gonna go to the Tosche Station and get some power converters!


GL: Wrong movie, kid!


GL: (mumbling) Own damn fault...

Mani runs to Patme.

MANAKIN: Aren't you gonna wear that good luck charm I made you?

PATME: Oh... that? Uh... I think I might have left it in one of my other outfits...

MANAKIN: (sarcastically) Right.

Mani goes and climbs into one of the empty fighters.

MANAKIN: (to self) Bitch...

As Patme's band marches on, the blast doors open and the beginning of Track 15 on the Episode I soundtrack from Sony Classic plays. Ob-Ewan looks up.

OB-EWAN: This soundtrack is awesome.

JW: Thanks.

Darth Bludgeon is behind the blast doors.

LI-GON: We'll handle this.

OB-EWAN: We will?

LI-GON: Yes.

OB-EWAN: But, he looks... mean.

LI-GON: He also has a British accent and has about five lines in the movie. Remember my favorite saying, young paddleone.

OB-EWAN: Clichés never win in brightsaber fights?


LI-GON: No, you idiot! The other saying!

OB-EWAN: Um... um...

LI-GON: (sighs) never mind. Just strip.


LI-GON: You heard me.

OB-EWAN: With all due, respect master, I've never known you were--

LI-GON: Just do it.

OB-EWAN: Okay, all these years of being an apprentice and you never told me about this little side of you. Now you want me to strip?

PATME: (quietly, to self) Oh, please do!

BLUDGEON: Will you two just get on with it! I could only spring for Duracell batteries for this thing.

Bludgeon takes out his brightsaber.

OB-EWAN: Is that what I think it is?

BLUDGEON: Sure is. Wanna see?

Bludgeon offers his saber to Ob-Ewan. Ob-Ewan walks over and holds it in his hands.

OB-EWAN: Whoa... did you make this yourself?

BLUDGEON: Sure did.

OB-EWAN: Man! You are so COOL!! Dude, I gotta get your autograph, man.

Ob-Ewan starts searching through his robes for an autograph book.


GL: Guys, this is supposed to be a fight scene, here!

OB-EWAN: Oh, right.

Ob-Ewan takes off his robes.

PATME: Oh, baby!

OB-EWAN: (to Patme) Shouldn't you be elsewhere?

PATME: (dreamily) No...


PATME: Hey! That's sexual harassment and I DON'T have to take it!

GL: Will you shut up and leave!

PATME: Fine!

Patme walks off, leading her band away from Bludgeon and his opponents. Capt. Shatner runs in from the hangar bay.

SHATNER: Wait! My eyesight has... returned! I... must fight... with you now!

PATME: (to self) I better be seeing a bonus at Christmastime.

Patme and her band walk off, finally leaving Bludgeon, Li-Gon, and Ob-Ewan alone. Without warning, Bludgeon drops his pants.

LI-GON: What the hell?!

OB-EWAN: Put it away! Put it away!

BLUDGEON: (smiling) At last I have revealed myself to the Jedi.


Bludgeon hikes his pants up. Ob-Ewan and Li-Gon ignite their sabers. Bludgeon ignites his at both ends.

GL: Finally! We're at the good part! Start the music!

The "Mortal Kombat" song blares through the theater speakers.


BLUDGEON: NOW you're talkin'!

Bludgeon flips about five feet in the air and lands in the middle of the two Jedi. The ultimate brightsaber fight begins. The drooling fans lean forward in anticipation. Just as the tension reaches its highest point-


-GL cuts away from the battle.


After the booing dies down, the "pitiful little band" heads toward the other side of the hanger, and three destroyer droids come wheeling out, and fire, and hit some unimportant character, and Mani sees this from the cockpit. Now, technically, we should be able to see the amazing brightsaber duel-to-end-all-brightsaber-duels, as it is the SAME FRICKIN' HANGER! but we don't, 'cos the continuity editor was off sick that day.

MANAKIN: Artoo! We gotta help'em!

ARTOO: Beep beep diddle beep.

MANAKIN: Uh... we gotta help'em!

ARTOO: Beep diddle beep popple.

MANAKIN: What are you, epileptic? Here, let me push random buttons, and fire up the guns.

Mani pushes random buttons (so, see whatever else anyone says about him, he keeps his word!) and amazingly, he starts the engines, and then, just happens to close the cockpit, and purely 'by accident' (plot device) activates the autopilot, sending the fighter flying from the hangar.

Patme and the others stare at the ship.

PATME: Hey! You were supposed to take out those droids first!

Captain Shatner pulls her down just as a fresh volley from the droids nearly cuts her down.

SHATNER: Your Highness... we must... flee. Our weapons... are no match... for destroyers.

PATME: It is time for my secret weapon.

Everyone stares at her in amazement as she reaches into her dress and pulls out a heavily decorated box. She opens the box, revealing a gun even smaller than the one she has now. Everyone laughs.

GUARD: That's your secret weapon?

Patme ignores them, and takes out the gun. She aims it carefully at the nearest droid. Suddenly, we can hear the sound of a cricket chirping.

GUARD: What's that noise?

Patme fires the gun, and is thrown back several feet by the recoil. The droid disintegrates. Everyone gapes.

PATME: (holding up the gun) The Noisy Cricket.


The squadron of fighters is approaching the Federation ship.

OILY: Flight A, take on the fighters. Flight B, make a run on the transmitter.

As the fighters approach, many Federation fighters are launched from the ship. Rick looks carefully to both sides, above him, behind him, and under his seat. Finally, he is satisfied that he is alone.

OILY: Fighters straight ahead!




In the midst of the brightsaber duel, Li-Gon has a strange smile on his face.


The droids exchange fire with the Glubglubs, who, unfortunately, seem to be holding their own so far. Jab Jab somehow manages to stay unhurt, much to the disappointment of the fans. He trips, somehow causing fifty droids and three tanks to spontaneously combust. As he gets up, his hand slips and taps on a droid torso next to him. This somehow causes a feedback loop that causes another thirty droids to suddenly explode.

The audience shakes their heads sadly.


Manakin sits in the cockpit, looking worried.

MANAKIN: What do you mean, the autopilot is taking us to the fight?

Artoo beeps an explanation.

MANAKIN: But I thought you were the autopilot. Isn't that what astropop droids are for?



GL: No more logic! Just shut up and save the day.

MANAKIN: (surly) Fine.


The brightsaber battle is fast and furious. The Sith apprentice is extremely powerful and is not easily overwhelmed. As Ob-Ewan fights with the strength of a hundred He-Men and battlecats, Li-Gon is sitting, sipping on a refreshing 7-UP and reading the literary works of Michael Collins.

LI-GON: Fight bravely, my young paddleone. Be mindful of the living Force.

OB-EWAN: Jesus, Joseph and Mary! Master, will you PLEASE give me a hand with this guy?

LI-GON: Don't center on your anxieties, Ob-Ewan, keep your mind here and now where it belongs.

OB-EWAN: Listen, I don't care where my mind is at, I need some major league help here!

LI-GON: (rising from the Jedi easy chair) Oh... very well! If I must.

The Jedi Master leaps to action and attacks Darth Bludgeon with precision and grace.

OB-EWAN: Damn! You go, boy...

The Sith Lord, sensing that the two Jedi are really trying to show their stuff, decides to take this battle to a place where he can really let loose and have the audience sing his praises. (like they're not already doing that) He uses the Force to swing a battle droid's head to open the blast doors.


The battle continues. Bludgeon allows himself to be backed up to the edge of a platform. Everyone stops and lets the camera do a close-up of them. (You don't just throw away photo-ops like that, I mean, these shots are perfect.)

As the two Jedi draw in closer to the cornered Sith, he suddenly backflips, landing on another platform. Undaunted, our two brave heroes leap after him. The battle continues.


Patme and Shatner and the handmaidens and guards run through the halls of the palace. Suddenly, lots of Droids show up!



FANS: Why do they all say, "Roger Roger?" That sounds so stupid! And why would the droids even need to communicate verbally? Shouldn't they be able to transmit to each other?



GL: I told you, no more logic!

Patme and her "pitiful little band" make their way through the droids, but more and more keep showing up.

PATME: Captain! This is getting us nowhere!

SHATNER: And hey! That window... just shot... at me! Even... the windows are against... us! AAAGGHHH!!

Shatner freaks out and blasts the window. Everyone in the group runs out and gets on the window ledge.


Patme and Co. pull out their plot devices- I mean, grappling hooks, and point them straight up.

PATME: Go-Go Gadget Grappling Hooks!

The hooks shoot up and imbed themselves in the ceiling far above. Patme and the others start climbing.


Basically, the droid army has opened up cans of whupass and is pouring it down the Glubglub's throats.

GENERAL FOODS CEREAL: (screaming for all he's worth and waving his arms wildly in the air, making for a more noticeable target) RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!

Jab Jab gets knocked down by the hordes of retreating Glubglubs and barely keeps his head as a wagon of energy-water balloons runs over him. He scrambles up the wagon, unlatching it in his haste. The energy-water balloons go tumbling out the back of the wagon across three Glubglubs, who shudder from the exposure to the energy, and splash across 4 destroyer droids, who do a pretty good imitation of Chubby Checker's The Twist as they then fall to the ground and twitch for 10 minutes.

The wagon Jab Jab's riding on runs over a disabled droid, tossing Jab Jab out and onto the back of a Kaadu, where the saddle horn hits poor Jab Jab in a rather sensitive area. He writhes in pain as the audience cheers.

Seeing Jab Jab's success with the energy-water balloons, the Glubglubs stop their retreat and renew their attack on the droids.

CGI EXTRA NOW GETTING SAG CARD FOR A SPEAKING ROLE: Wesa gonna get medieval on yousa metal hiney now! ATTACK! ATTACK!


MANAKIN: Artoo, get us off this autopilot! It's going to get us killed!

Artoo beeps something as Mani's controls light up.

MANAKIN: (cont) I've got control? But how?

GL: Plot device.


Artoo beeps a suggestion. Mani reads it on his screen.

MANAKIN: Go back? Maybe that's a good idea.


GL: No! You can't go back. Just stay up here and fly around.

The squadron continues its attack on the battleship, but their deflector shield is too strong. They'll never get through it.

OILY: That deflector shield's too strong! We'll never get through it.



Meanwhile, Manakin has a fighter on his tail.

MANAKIN: What am I supposed to do?

GL: Spinning's a good trick.

MANAKIN: No it isn't. That's not even a trick.


GL: Just shut up and spin!

MANAKIN: (grumbling) Okay, okay.

He sends his ship into a spin, completely losing control. By some strange twist of fate (plot device) he manages to land in the ship's central hangar. Shouldn't it be shielded or something? Oh yeah, and his ship is overheated, so he can't leave. (plot device)


As Duel of the Fates blares through the theater speakers, the audience can no longer contain themselves when watching this ultimate coolness on the big screen. They start a mosh pit. As the heavy-duty battle gains more fury with slick moves and a jump from Li-Gon that looked like it was from 100 feet-

RANDOM FAN: Let's hear it for the old guy!


-the mosh pit becomes increasingly wild and violent. Brilliantly holding off both Jedi with his double-bladed brightsabre, Darth Bludgeon slowly retreats down a hallway leading to the Incredibly-Convenient-Bottomless-Pit Room. The end of the hallway is blocked off by a velvet rope and a sign that says DO NOT ENTER. As they reach the end of the hallway, Bludgeon jumps over the rope.

OB-EWAN: Hey! You're not allowed back there!

LI-GON: Yeah! You're gonna get in trouble!

Bludgeon sneers at the Jedi.

OB-EWAN: (shouting back the way they came) Hey, everyone! Bludgeon crossed the rope! He's not supposed to do that!

Bludgeon sneers at the Jedi.

LI-GON: You know, you get much more responses if you actually talk instead of just sneering at people.

Bludgeon reaches into his pocket and pulls out a notepad and a pencil. He scribbles down a note and hands it to Li-Gon.

LI-GON: (reading) 'Master Chin says I shouldn't talk so much.' Hey, it looks like you started to write something instead of Chin, but crossed it out.

He peers at the note.

LI-GON: (cont) I can't quite make it out. Palpi-something.

Bludgeon leans over the rope and snatches the note back.

LI-GON: Hey! I wasn't done reading that!

Bludgeon sticks his tongue out at Li-Gon.


Patme and Co. continue down the hallway. Suddenly, several destroyers pop out of concealment. (Convenient, no?)

PATME: Throw down your weapons. They win this round.

SHATNER: This round? They've won... every frikkin round... so far. Take... a look... around you.



A Destroyer Droid gets close enough to a Mecha-Umbrella to fire an energy ray at
its self-closing mechanism. The Mecha-Umbrella folds up, taking several Glubglubs and 3 redshirt- er, chest-plated battle droids with it.

OOM-PAH: HEY! Looks like we got a clear shot now. GO FOR IT!

The battle droids open up another can of whupass. Glubglubs scatter like cockroaches in the kitchen when you turn on the light at 3 a.m. Jab Jab's Kaadu gets blown out from under him (cheers from the audience again), and the poor Glubglub, looking for a place to wait out the war, grabs onto a branch. But it is the gun muzzle of a tank, and he rides that puppy for all he's worth. Which is interesting since the tank's been firing, and the gun muzzle's hot, and part of what's holding on so tight to the hot tank gun muzzle is the sensitive area that took the Kaadu's saddle horn. The audience goes wild!


Bludgeon watches the Jedi from behind the rope, sneering at them. Finally, Li-Gon snaps.

LI-GON: That's it! I'm going over the rope!

Ob-Ewan grabs Li-Gon's sleeve before he can cross.

OB-EWAN: No, master! You'll get in trouble!

LI-GON: I must, my young apprentice.

OB-EWAN: (sighing) This is the kind of stuff that keeps you off the council, you know.


LI-GON: Do you think we could have one conversation that doesn't mention the fact that I'm not on the council? 'I'm going to get some milk, Ob-Ewan.' 'That's why you're not on the council.' 'I have a headache.' 'That's why you're not on the council.' 'My, it's a nice day, isn't it?' 'That's why you're not on the council.' Give it a rest already! I'm really starting to get ticked off.

OB-EWAN: That's why you're not--


Igniting his brightsaber, Li-Gon leaps over the rope, flying towards Bludgeon like a deadly spear hurled by a mighty warrior. Bludgeon sidesteps, and Li-Gon crashes into the wall he was standing in front of. Bludgeon casually walks over to the stunned Jedi and runs him through. Li-Gon looks curiously at the blade sticking out of his chest.

LI-GON: Well, isn't that a pisser.

He collapses.


He ignites his brightsaber and cuts the velvet rope in half. Suddenly, a pink force field drops in front of him, blocking the entrance.

OB-EWAN: What the hell?! George, what is this?

GL: Plot device.


The Glubglubs are overrun. Some are chased into the hills by battle droids on STAPLERs. Others are rounded into groups by a pack of extremely well-trained Shetland Sheepdogs, who respond quite well to OOM-PAH's dog whistle. They move the Glubglubs to the left side of the field. They move the Glubglubs to the right side of the field. They split the Glubglubs into two groups, then move each group between two fence posts.




Patme, Captain Shatner, and six other officers are brought by tinker drones before Newt and Rune and four Neimoidian council members.

RUNE: Very good, Mr. Bond, but your little escapade will not--


NEWT: (to Rune) Shut up. (to Patme) Your rittle insurrection is at an end, Your Highness.

PATME: That's Majesty to you!


NEWT: Shut up!

CAPT. SHATNER: How... dare you treat the... Queen in such a manner--

Twelve tinker drones shove their blasters in his face.

CAPT. SHATNER: (cont) --without consulting me first?

NEWT: Anyway. Time for you to sign the treaty and end this pointless debate in the Senate.

RUNE: Oh, don't tell me they still haven't figured out the salary increase.


NEWT: Shut up!

Sabe, dressed like the Queen, appears in the doorway with several troops. Several destroyed battle droids can be seen in the distance.

SABE: I will not be signing any treaty, Velcro, because you've lost! Neener neener boo boo!

She shoots two droids, and runs away down the corridor. No one follows her.

SABE: Come get me! I'm the queen!

She runs down the hallway and turns a corner.

SABE: (o.s.) I'm getting away! You better come chase me!

Long pause. Sabe sticks her head back around the corner and pretends to fall.

SABE: Oh, no, I fell! I can't run, I hurt my foot. Seriously, I mean it. Uh-oh, I'm crawling away! Someone better come and chase me!

RUNE: That is the worst excuse for a diversion I've ever seen. She's obviously a decoy.

NEWT: What!? This one's a decoy? (he points at Sabe) After her!

RUNE: No, no! That one's the decoy, this is the real--


NEWT: Don't correct me.

All of the droids but one rush out of the throne room after Sabe. Newt turns to Patme.

NEWT: Your Queen will not get away with this.



PATME: I've wanted to do that for a long time.

Patme hits a button on the throne. A panel slides open and a cup of coffee appears.

PATME: Shit!

She hits several more buttons, causing various panels of the throne to produce crushed ice, fresh fruit, and canary food, before locating the one which produces several pistols.

NEWT: Well? Aren't you going to stop her?

BBC-TV: Gee, sir, I'd like to, but it's just that, well...

Patme puts a comforting arm around the droid's shoulders.

PATME: I understand. You don't need to worry about anything.

She whispers something in BBC-TV's ear, a mischievous smile appearing on her face. BBC-TV begins to emit sparks and smoke. After a moment his head and limbs fly off and the torso falls to the ground and splits in two.

NEWT: Never trust a battledroid with a Natalie crush.

PATME: Silence! Now, Velcro, we will discuss a new treaty.

There is an ominous pause.

PATME: I want a pony, and some chocolate, and a big house with lots of...



The pink force field suddenly drops. Ob-Ewan leaps forward, snarling.

OB-EWAN: I will avenge your death, master! You will not have died in vain!

LI-GON: Uh... I'm not quite dead yet.

OB-EWAN: Oh. Well, then, you shall not have been... mortally wounded in vain!

LI-GON: Actually, I think I might pull through.


Li-Gon starts to get up.

LI-GON: Here, I'm fine, let me help you with this guy.

OB-EWAN: No, master! You stay there while I dispatch this ruffian!

LI-GON: Oh. All right, then, I'll just, uh, lie here then.

He lays back down and starts whistling idly. Ob-Ewan and Darth Bludgeon leap at each other. Fans in the audience pass out at the brilliant swordplay. After a few minutes, Ob-Ewan manages to cut Bludgeon's brightsaber in half. Instead of finishing the Sith off when he had the chance, though, Ob-Ewan just hits him in the face.

BLUDGEON: My face! My beautiful, beautiful, face! (he snarls) Now you're gonna get it!

He leaps back on the attack. After another several passes, Bludgeon manages to get the Incredibly-Convenient-Bottomless-Pit behind Ob-Ewan. He brandishes his brightsaber, and Ob-Ewan backs up, right into the pit.

OB-EWAN: Aw, crap!

BLUDGEON: All too easy.

He turns off his brightsaber and walks to the edge of the pit. Ob-Ewan is hanging from the Incredibly-Convenient-Handhold-Located-in-the-Incredibly-Convenient-Bottomless-Pit. Bludgeon makes a small flicking motion with his fingers.


OB-EWAN: Ow! Stop that!


OB-EWAN: Hey, I'm gonna lose my grip!


Ob-Ewan looks over at Li-Gon, who's sitting casually reading a magazine.

OB-EWAN: Hey, master, think you could help me out here?

LI-GON: Hang on, I'm reading something.

OB-EWAN: I'm in a little bit of a hurry!

LI-GON: Yeah yeah, just let me finish this article.

OB-EWAN: Do you think you could at least toss me your brightsaber?

LI-GON: I probably shouldn't. Besides, you're a Jedi. Use the Force.

OB-EWAN: Oh, yeah.

Ob-Ewan looks at Bludgeon, then at the brightsaber. Then he looks back at Bludgeon, then at the brightsaber again. Then he looks back at Bludgeon as he wiggles the saber a little bit. Bludgeon has a really confused look on his face.

OB-EWAN: Well, I gave him fair warning.

Ob-Ewan uses the Force to propel himself straight out of the pit. Leaping over Bludgeon's head, and calling Li-Gon's brightsaber to his hand, he lands behind the Sith Lord and cuts him in half.

OB-EWAN: Victory is mine!

BLUDGEON: Right! I'll do you for that!

OB-EWAN: You'll what?

BLUDGEON: The Sith Lord always triumphs! Have at you!

OB-EWAN: You are indeed brave, sir knight, but the fight is mine!

BLUDGEON: Oh, had enough, eh?

OB-EWAN: Look, you stupid bastard, I cut you in half!

BLUDGEON: It's just a flesh wound.

OB-EWAN: Look!

Bludgeon looks down.

BLUDGEON: I've had worse.

OB-EWAN: You liar!

BLUDGEON: Come on, you pansy!

Bludgeon attempts to walk forward, but his upper torso falls off of his legs onto the ground.

OB-EWAN: What are you going to do, bleed on me?

BLUDGEON: All right. We'll call it a draw.

With a disgusted sigh, Ob-Ewan kicks Bludgeon over the edge of the pit.

OB-EWAN: There was something else I was gonna do...

LI-GON: Hello? There's a Jedi Master dying over here.

OB-EWAN: Oh, right! Sorry. So, got any last words?

LI-GON: Ob-Ewan? Is that you? I can't see, everything's getting dark.

Ob-Ewan rolls his eyes.

OB-EWAN: Yes, it's me. And let's not try to make this too dramatic, okay? Everyone knew you were gonna die.

LI-GON: I... I can't see. Come closer.


LI-GON: Closer.



LI-GON: Closer!

Ob-Ewan leans in close to Li-Gon.

LI-GON: The boy... you must train the boy. He is the Chosen One... he will bring balance...

OB-EWAN: Couldn't you come up with a more reasonable last request? I really hate that kid.

Li-Gon lets out a final ragged breath and lays still. Ob-Ewan gets up to leave.

LI-GON: Wait... there's more.

OB-EWAN: Oh, sorry. Thought you died.

LI-GON: (whispering) Ob-Ewan... there's always... a bigger... fish.

OB-EWAN: That's why you're not on the council.


Just as the tinker drones draw close to the fighter (which for some reason they didn't shoot), the lights on the control panel go from red to green. Is that great timing, or what?

MANAKIN: We have ignition! Shields up!

The fighter lifts off the floor. Several tinker drones fire, but the shots bounce right off the shielded craft.

MANAKIN: Take this!

He fires the lasers, destroying some of the droids. Strange. He didn't know how to use the weapons a few minutes ago...

MANAKIN: And this!

He pulls a lever, sending out two proton torpedoes that completely miss the droids, but slam into the main reactor.


WHAT NOW: Sir, there's a problem with the main reactor. We're losing power.

DOINGFINE: What? Impossible! Nothing can get through our shields!

COMPUTER VOICE: Thank you for destroying the main reactor. This ship will self-destruct in ten seconds.

DOINGFINE: I told them not to put that damn thing in the middle of the hangar!


MANAKIN: Come on, Artoo, let's get out of here!

COMPUTER VOICE: Ten... nine... eight...

Manakin's fighter zooms through the hangar, dodging and weaving through the obstacles.



DOINGFINE: Six?! What happened to seven?

COMPUTER VOICE: Just kidding...


Manakin's fighter draws closer to the exit.

COMPUTER VOICE: Seven... six... five... four...

Explosions begin rippling through the ship.


Rick Oily watches in amazement as explosions begin tearing through the ship.

OILY: We didn't hit it! ...did we?


COMPUTER VOICE: Three... two... one... have a nice day.

DOINGFINE: Thank you.


BRAVO 2: Look, one of ours, out of the main hangar!

Manakin's fighter scoots out of the ship instants before it is blown to smithereens.


With the destruction of the Federation battleship, remote control of the droids goes out the window. Literally. The transmission frequency shifts to KMPRL-FM (97 Rocks!). All the battle droids suddenly start doing the Macarena as sounds of that song are heard across the planet, wherever there is a battle droid to act as receiver/speaker. Dancing as one, they all put their little droid hands on their little droid hips and swivel a quarter turn to the right - and stop.

Jab Jab walks over to one and taps it. The cardboard cutout tips over. Jab Jab faces camera and smiles.

JAB JAB: Looksen so real! Like real CGI!

The Macarena fades out and strains of Queen's We Are The Champions filter through the chestplates of the droids that are still semi-operational. The Glubglubs dance around and suddenly go into slow motion. We see battle droids falling elegantly as the ecstatic Glubglubs knock them down in triumph. Then the entire Glubglub army becomes a rotoscoped cacophony of color as we fade to the next scene.

And the Great Glubglub Battle is finally complete.


Palpitatine's cruiser lands in the main courtyard. Captain Shatner and twenty guards watch over Rune Viiking and Newt Raygun. Ob-Ewan and the Queen stand before the prisoners.

QUEEN: Now you're going to have to go back and explain all of this to the Senate.

SHATNER: I think... you can kiss... your trade franchise... goodbye.

OB-EWAN: That's it? They're going out of business? Shouldn't they be tried as war criminals or something?

QUEEN: No, that would be too negative. This has to be a family flick.

The ramp to the ship lowers. Out walks Supreme Cameo Palpitatine, along with several Imper- er, Republic guards. With him are Yoga, several members of the Jedi Council, and a bald black man in Jedi robes.

QUEEN: Congratulations on your election, Cameo.

PALPITATINE: A surprise, but a predictable one.

QUEEN: (sighs) Can't you at least come up with some new lines?

Ob-Ewan greets several members of the council, but stares curiously at the bald black man.

OB-EWAN: Where's Master Windy?

GL: (points at the black man) Right there.

OB-EWAN: No he isn't. That's just another bald black guy. He looks nothing like him.

GL: (shrugs) Samuel L. wasn't available for this scene. Besides, they all look alike.

Everyone gasps and stares at George.

OB-EWAN: George! That was very prejudiced!

GL: So?

Absolute silence.

OB-EWAN: Are you telling me you're a racist?

GL: Isn't that obvious? I mean, come on, look at Jar Jar! I had him do everything but call Qui-Gon 'massa'!

He glares at everyone on the set.

GL: (cont) And I'm the director, so there's nothing you can do about it!

OB-EWAN: The Jedi Council will stop you!

GL: Hello? Anybody home? I created the Jedi Council, you moron! They can't stop me!

PURP: Not that Jedi Council.

George whirls about to find himself facing Speak, Darth Vacuous, stinrab, Opi Wan Cannoli, Purp, Darth to the Waist, Niceguy, tabhwd, Mexico, GENERAL RIKKAN, The_MarmaladeCat, Scruff, Shalimar, Darth Veda, Hindu Jedi, study3600, Lwyn'nya Kenobi, Narani, and T.

GL: You!

SPEAK: That's right, George. We're in charge of this story now.

DARTH VACUOUS: And we've put up with your crap long enough.

TABHWD: This time, you've gone too far.

STUDY3600: It's time to get rid of you for good.

GL: No! What are you going to do!?

The Jedi Council joins hands and begins concentrating...


George Lucas suddenly sits up in bed, sweating in terror.

GL: No! ...what?

He looks around confused.

GL: (cont) It was all just a bad dream... just a bad dream...

JAB JAB: Yousa had a bombad dream, sweety?

George suddenly realizes he's sleeping with Jab Jab Rinks.



Ob-Ewan kneels as Yoga paces in front of him.

YOGA: Confer on you the level of Jedi Knight, the council does.

OB-EWAN: Okay, you know what? I don't know if anyone's ever mentioned this to you before, but you talk really weird.

YOGA: Talk perfectly normal, I do.

OB-EWAN: Your sentences are all inverted. You switch around your prepositional phrase and your imperative.

YOGA: Know what you mean, I do not.

OB-EWAN: Here, try this. Say, 'The boy may be the Chosen One.'

YOGA: The Chosen One, the boy may be.

OB-EWAN: Okay, now say, 'The Chosen One, the boy may be.'

YOGA: Inverted, that is.

OB-EWAN: Yeah, I know, just say it.

YOGA: The boy may be the Chosen One.

OB-EWAN: (laughing) That's hilarious! You're really messed up, you know that?

YOGA: Cut the crap you will! Need it, I do not. Talk about the boy, we must. Grave danger do I sense in his training.

Ob-Ewan keeps laughing.

YOGA: (cont) Stop laughing you must! (he sighs) Li-Gon's defiance, I sense in you. Your apprentice, young Streetwalker will be.

Ob-Ewan stops laughing.

OB-EWAN: WHAT?!? I don't want to train that little punk! Train him yourself!

YOGA: (chuckling) Better than that, you should know. Mess with me, you should not.

OB-EWAN: This is because I made fun of your talking, isn't it?

YOGA: Oh, yeah.

OB-EWAN: Don't you mean, 'Yeah, oh'?



The chamber is lined with dignitaries and representatives who have assembled to bid farewell to Li-Gon Jinn-n-Tonic, whose earthly body is laid out on what looks like an extra-large Hibatchi grill. We see Amidalaa-laa, Palpitatine, Jab Jab, Rick Oily, Boss Nasty, Ob-Ewan, and Manakin, along with assorted other Jedi and native sorts of people. Nobody is saying much, but everyone is rubbing their eyes, or holding their heads, or speaking in whispers. There are lots of bleary- and red-eyed people, but nobody is actually crying. A tray of crystal glasses is passed around, with bubbling fizzy liquid in each glass.

Yoga take a glass and slams the Alka-SeltzerP2; back.

YOGA: Good wake you held on short notice, Ob-Ewan, hmmm? Proud Li-Gon would have been.

OB-EWAN: I didn't know the Council played drinking games.

YOGA: Yes, games we play. Not all the time spent in contemplation of the Force, no. Time to recharge, refocus, we must have. Favorite game is "Hi, Bob." Next favorite is "There's Always a Bigger Fish." Master at Bigger Fish, was Li-Gon. Always did he find ways to work in conversation "Bigger Fish."

KI-ADI BUNDY: Could you two keep it down? My brains hurt.

OB-EWAN: (in whisper) Sorry.

In the background, someone starts a drum roll and scores of white doves fly madly around the chamber. Most of the mourners grab their heads and moan loudly. One Glubglub warrior exits stage left. We hear the sizzle of an energy-water gun and the drum roll stops.

Samuel L. Windy (the real one, we had him flown in after that little incident) nods to an attendant, who presses a button. Nothing happens. The attendant presses the button again. Nothing happens. The attendant moves quietly to the pyre. He checks various lines, switches, gas jets. He shifts the charcoal briquettes around. Then he straightens and pulls a long match from his pocket.

ATTENDANT: Pilot light went out.

He lights the pilot light, then returns to his position. He flips the switch again. This time the pilot light ignites the gas jets around the body and Li-Gon's clothing catches fire.

As the flames start to consume the body of the fallen Jedi Master, the assembled start to turn their faces, wrinkling their noses. The attendant flips another switch and an overhead exhaust fan activates.

Ob-Ewan looks at Manakin, who has silent tears streaming down his chubby cheeks.

OB-EWAN: He is one with the Force, Manakin... you must let go.

MANAKIN: What will happen to me now?

OB-EWAN: I am your Master now. You will become a Jedi. I promise. All will work out as it should, in the Force. You have no need to cry.

MANAKIN: I'm crying because I didn't get my lap dance at the wake last night and I'm out 20 bucks. And I don't think Patme will get that drunk again for a long time.

Windy turns to Yoga.

WINDY: There is no doubt. The mysterious warrior was a Sith.

YOGA: How do you know doubt there is not?

WINDY: We found his Sith Express Card. That's what we put the bar tab on from last night.

YOGA: Always two there are... no more, no less. A Master and an Apprentice.

WINDY: Yeah. He had a Master/Apprentice Card, too. But it was pretty much tapped out. That's why we had to use the Sith Express card. No limit.

Slowly, the camera pans over to Supreme Cameo Palpitatine as traces of the Emperor's Theme enter the soundtrack. Suddenly, a cloth floats down from nowhere and drapes itself over his head, covering the top half of his face. Jab Jab looks over at Palpitatine.

JAB JAB: Oy! Heesa look like... like...

Palpitatine hurriedly rips off the cloth and looks across the crowd in the funeral room. They are all staring at him.

PALPITATINE: I'm going to... leave now.

Palpitatine points to his right, then turns to his right and walks away, putting his face into his hands as he walks. The Queen stops him before he can get out.

QUEEN: Wait a minute... say, "Wipe them out. Aaaaall of them."

Palpitatine nervously looks around him and then bolts out of the place like a cheetah.


Crowds of cheering children throw flowers at the Glubglubs as they march by in a parade. The Glubglubs have an allergic reaction, and start sneezing and choking.

Boss Nasty walks up to the platform, where the Queen hands him the globe of peace. As Boss Nasty takes the glowing energy ball from the queen and is about to raise it high, one of the NuhBoo pilots comes up to him and taps him on the shoulder. Nasty turns to him and the pilot gives him the "Galactic Playboy" featuring the Queen. Nasty sees the centerfold and tosses the ball aside.

FANS: Yeah!!

Nasty unfolds the centerfold and raises it high to the crowd in front of him. The crowd cheers wildly (as does every male in the audience). The Queen sees what Nasty is doing. Angrily, she rips the magazine out of his hand, and decks Nasty right then and there.


The End... or is it?


Written by: (in order of appearance) Speak, Darth Vacuous, stinrab, Opi Wan Cannoli, Purp, Darth to the Waist, Niceguy, tabhwd, Mexico, GENERAL RIKKAN, The_MarmaladeCat, Scruff, Shalimar, Darth Veda, Hindu Jedi, study3600, Lwyn'nya Kenobi, Narani, T, and Kai Jinn Kenobi.

Edited and compiled by: Purp

No CGI were harmed in the making of this parody. Similarity between this story and any movie, alive or dead, is purely coincidental. 1