The nice thing about having more than one
title for the X-Men is that readers are offered an
alternative. For example, on New X-Men, Grant
Morrison writes intelligent, entertaining stories that have
reinvigorated the characters. And on Uncanny X-Men,
Chuck Austen offers an alternative.
"The Draco" has three separate plotlines,
all very loosely linked by the idea of parents - the
Juggernaut visits Sammy Pare in Canada, Polaris continues to
bitch, and Nightcrawler meets his father Azazel. With
two issues to go, Austen belatedly realises that only the
first of those three arcs was heading anywhere remotely
resembling a climax - and the Polaris arc wasn't heading
anywhere at all - and finally sets about explaining what
Azazel is up to.
Now, pay attention, because this doesn't
make any sense.
Azazel gives the usual explanation that the
references to Satan in the Bible are all actually about him.
Quite why we're meant to care about any of this is beyond me.
Austen seems to be setting up the idea that Christianity is
wrong and all the angels and demons are actually just mutants.
This isn't a desperately interesting idea to start with, and
even if it was, it has nothing to do with the plot.
According to Azazel, he used to rule the
world, but was banished to another universe by mutants who
resembled angels. Fortunately for Austen's imagery
system, his dimension of banishment happens to resemble Hell.
How desperately convenient. Anyhow, Azazel is looking
for "the means to return." According to Azazel, his aim
was to open a portal back to earth so that he could go home
and rule the place. But it's not possible to open a
portal from his dimension, since you need somebody on the
other side as well. With me so far?
Now, here's where it gets really stupid.
Azazel needs people on Earth, right?
Right. So he breeds with human women, and gives birth to
a load of mutant teleporters. Then he can control them
from the Hell dimension, "through our genetic connection", and
make them gather together to open the portal from the other
side. Which is what he was trying to do at the beginning
of the storyline.
The astute among you will immediately spot
the logical hole. How does Azazel breed with the human
women? Quite simple - as we saw back in the Prologue, he
travels to earth.
WELL, IF HE CAN TRAVEL TO EARTH TO
BREED WITH THE WOMEN, WHAT DOES HE NEED THE FUCKING PORTAL
Given the number of teleporters who turned
up at the beginning of this arc, and the fact that Azazel had
a working cover identity in the Prologue, it's clear that he's
been making a string of regular visits to Earth. Which
means that he's not trapped at all. Which means that he
doesn't need to open some ridiculously elaborate portal to get
back. Which makes his entire scheme pointless. Is
anyone actually reading this nonsense before sending it on to
I'm reminded of something which, I think,
was one of the Baron Munchausen stories. The Baron is
going out hiking. He's fully equipped for the mountains.
But alas, he's so busy looking at the mountains that he
doesn't see where he's going, and he falls down a well.
He tries to get out by throwing his
grappling hook up to the top of the well, but the well is too
deep and the hook won't reach. He tries to climb the
walls, but they're too slippery. And he cries for help,
but nobody hears. Finally, having exhausted every other
option, he goes home and gets a ladder.
That, in substance, is the plot of "The
Draco." Except the Draco isn't supposed to be funny.
Utterly dreadful. If you like this
comic, you are objectively wrong. I can prove it with