A new title for the world's foremost financial shaman

As most of you probably know I am the new money king. There has been a vacancy since Big Herb passed over to the other side and was promoted to the status of money god. It is only an honorary title and I haven't been given any new powers - not that I need them, frankly - but it just shows the respect my peers have for me.

Susan Flint from Bad Moon Investments said to me, 'I voted for you because you're the most powerful shaman around. You are an icon now for financial shaman and money mystics worldwide. Congratulations.'

I only hope I don't let anyone down. As the new money king, every word I write from now on will probably be taken as gospel. It's a heavy responsibility.

I am the money king

I am the money king. I can do anything. I dream of money and it appears before my eyes. The ghosts of dead bankers are my friends. I dance for money and it falls from the sky. Gold, gold, gold, I eat gold.

I am the money king. I can do anything. The smell of money sends me into a trance. I dance, I dance, I dance. The moon is a silver coin. The stars are diamonds that are laughter to my heart.

Tax on spirits

The government is considering introducing a new tax on spirits. If it goes ahead, people who have passed over to the other side will have to pay taxes on any money they earn.

This is outrageous. Financial psychic Keith Busby says, 'I am helping a lot of dead people with their finances. Up until now, they haven't paid a penny in tax, and that's the way it should be. The other side is not on earth, so obviously tax should not be paid to any government anywhere. That's common sense.'

Yes, it is common sense. I want to know how the government will collect this tax. Are they going to employ special mystical tax inspectors? It all seems too bizarre to be true. It's not April 1st, is it?

Money for sale

The Bank of Dante in Brentford is selling all its money in a spectacular sale. Branch manager Ben Virgil explains, 'I hate money. Money is the root of all evil, and I want to get rid of our stock. I'm practically giving it away. I'm selling £20 notes for £10. I'm selling £10 notes for £5.50. The coins? I'm just going to throw them in the gutter. Then I'm going to paste the £50 notes all over my body and run through the streets shouting my head off until I feel sick. And then I'm going home to bed and I'll probably cry myself to sleep. After that, I think I might become a monk.'

Absolutely ridiculous. Money is the root of all freedom and it is very spiritual. Mr Virgil will achieve nothing by becoming a monk. He is obviously tearing himself apart, and he seems to be very confused. He needs to learn that mystical materialism is the way forward. Banker or monk? He should be a mystical banker. Simple.

Keith Busby gets new agent

Award-winning financial psychic Keith Busby has got a new agent - the notorious Trevor Hall. Wrong move. Just ask the Loch Ness monster.

It wasn't long ago Keith had a nervous breakdown. I don't want to see him being exploited by a lowlife like Hall. Mr Hall says, 'Keith has got to get back to work. He can't mope around the house all day. There are thousands of spirits that need his help, and there is money to be made.'

I suppose Keith is old enough and big enough to look after himself, but he has a lot of friends - and we'll all go looking for Trevor Hall if anything goes wrong. That's a promise.

How to cope with the stresses of City life

It has been reported that workers in the City of London are so stressed out these days that they are turning to drink, drugs and sex to relieve the pressure. I can now report they are also turning to crystal mind blasting.

Crystal mind blasting is the bizarre new workplace craze where a stressed-out worker lies on the floor of their office with a crystal sellotaped to their forehead. They then get a colleague to blast the crystal with thoughts from their mind (well, where else?) This person must send positive thoughts to the crystal. The crystal heats up, and the worker's brain drains the heat from the crystal and goes totally haywire. The worker then jumps up and runs around the office in a complete frenzy - often screaming hysterically. Afterwards, the worker feels refreshed and ready to carry on working.

Kate Duffy from ABN Amro says, 'I highly recommend crystal mind blasting. I do it all the time and it has changed me as a person. A colleague of mine, Dexter Boomer, had a terrible experience recently with a money vampire, but after trying crystal mind blasting he forgot all his troubles and moved on with his life.'

The money vampires

It gets worse. The money ghosts were bad enough, but now it seems the City of London has also become infested with money vampires - hellish creatures that just suck the money out of people's pockets. When will the horror end?

Dexter Boomer, who works at ABN Amro, was standing at the bar in a City pub having a quiet drink when he suddenly felt a strange sensation on his leg. He said, 'I looked down and was flabbergasted to see this bloody vampire. My trousers were torn to shreds and this awful thing had my wallet in its mouth. Before I could do anything, it just flew out of an open window. I lost over £200 in cash. I cancelled my credit cards, of course. You really don't expect this sort of thing in a modern financial centre. What the hell is going on?'

Fortunately, there is a solution to this one. Money vampires are very easy to deal with. If you find yourself being attacked like Mr Boomer, all you've got to do is stab the vampire through the heart with a top of the range fountain pen. Don't ask me why. Alternatively, you can throw coins at it. Unlike money ghosts, money vampires absolutely despise loose change.

The new breed of capitalists

This last year capitalism and mysticism have merged in a way that few people thought possible. There are not many people involved in business now who go to work in the morning without first visiting their local money temple to pray to Big Herb or some other god of their choice.

Susan Flint from Bad Moon Investments recently said to me, 'A lot of it is down to you, Michael. The new capitalism has really taken off in the last couple of months because of your wonderful blog. Business people aren't ashamed any more to say they use tarot cards and crystal balls, or the services of a money mystic. You are opening up new possibilities.'

Kind words from Susan, but I was responding to the prevailing atmosphere. I started this blog because I realized there was a real hunger in the business world for financial news and opinions that mainstream organizations like Reuters and Bloomberg were just not providing. And I'm not going away. This is a revolution.

Barclays Capital involved in mystical hedge fund

According to the Daily Mail City & Finance section today, Barclays owns 12.5 per cent of NyLon Capital LLP - a company alleged by a former employee to use astrologers.

Well, this is what I've been saying. Money mystics and financial shamans are working in banks now and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. Why all the fuss? As I wrote in yesterday's post, these mystical workers will eventually replace conventional analysts and traders.

The future of mystical banking

What is the future of mystical banking? Will financial shamans and money mystics be able to work alongside more traditional analysts and traders, or will they replace them?

Tatum Jones from merchant bank Dodger Coombes says, 'Here in Canary Wharf a lot of conventional analysts feel threatened by the presence of the money mystics recently employed by many banks. There is no need for them to worry though. These mystics just give us more options and another way of looking at the markets. Mysticism will not replace traditional banking methods.'

I'm not so sure about this. I feel Ms Jones is just trying to calm the fears of certain conservative characters in the banking world. The money mystics and financial shamans are generating massive profits for the banks, and - as we all know - money talks.

Arthur Simmons from the Chaos College of Finance says, 'The mystical way is the way of the future. Times change. The email replaced the fax. DVD replaced video. Shamans will replace analysts. And with their superior skills, it won't be long before shamans get more involved with actual trading. Prediction is only the start.'

Well, I know quite a few shamans involved in the trading side of things. They can make split-second decisions based on information given to them by their omnipotent contacts in the world of spirit. Truly, the mystical way is the way of the future. But who would have thought it? It seems strange that something as old as mysticism is now being put to such use in the modern world. What would the ancients have said?

Money ghosts attack City workers at Bank tube station

Last night money ghosts rampaged through Bank tube station in the City of London. Apparently, it was a robbery that went wrong.

Eyewitness Jeff Tait said, 'I saw this ghost approach a City banker type and demand his wallet. The gentleman refused, so the ghost pulled a flick knife on him. Then all hell broke loose. A mob of ghosts appeared from out of nowhere, and some City workers got involved in a fight with them. They were really going at each other. There was blood and ectoplasm everywhere.'

It seems the money ghosts are out of control. I've warned the authorities about them a number of times, but no one has listened. I spoke to Inspector Paul Williams of the City of London police earlier today, and he had this to say, 'Unfortunately, there is not much we can do about the situation. I mean, how are we supposed to arrest ghosts? If we put them in a cell they will just walk through the walls. This is a mystical problem for shamans to sort out.'

Well, I'm not sure it's my responsibility, but I promised Inspector Williams that if I could find the leader of the ghosts, I would sit down with him or her or it and try to negotiate a peace settlement of some kind. Don't hold your breath though.

Is there anything more beautiful than free money?

I quite often like to go up to complete strangers in the street and whisper in their ear: 'Is there anything more beautiful than free money?' Then I slip 1p into their hand, or 5p if I'm feeling generous. I urge you all to do the same. Do it today. Do it every day.

But why should you want to do this? The law of karma, that's why. Research has shown that if you give away small sums of money on a regular basis, the powers that be on the other side take notice. They approve of such gestures, and reward the money givers with good fortune in their future financial dealings.

Here's an example. Last year Julie Thornton from Greenford gave 10p to a well-dressed man sitting on a park bench. He clearly didn't need the money, and he later confessed the whole episode left him bewildered, even a little upset. The very next day Ms Thornton found £7,650 in used notes in a vase in her living room. Speaking to her local paper, she said, 'The money was obviously placed there by some kind of mystical being or maybe an alien. Probably an alien. I'm just so happy. I'm going to hand out some more coins now and see what happens.'

Naively, Ms Thornton thought it might be the work of an alien, but we know better. The last anyone heard, she was living in Monaco as a tax exile. And she used to be a cleaning lady.