Are you feeling like Halloween came and went too fast? You never had your chance to dress up as your true, slutty self? You spent all that time on your costume and want another reason to wear it? Well, go the hell and do it. In any case, here are some pics from this past week's Motherfucker party at Rebel (turned out to be much better than Susanne Bartsch's fest after all).

Humping sequins in a bra and pirate hat is always a sure bet for Halloween cheer.


Now that's some cum catcher, mr. clown.

Photos by Gerry Visco.

If the news that Simon Pegg and John “Harold from Harold and Kumar” Cho joining the cast of the upcoming Star Trek movie (with Pegg cast as Scotty) doesn’t smash the cherry of your geek purity, then…you probably never watched Star Trek. Joining a cast already populated by random faces of pop culture like Zachary Quinto (Heroes) and Eric Bana, these guys are going to have to work pretty hard to make audiences accept the idea that they represent younger versions of characters who have become so intrinsic to the history of American television.

If this enrages you and you’re not the type of person pouring over greasy comic book backissues and haggling over your favorite incarnation of the Flash—and you’re under the age of thirty—then you’re probably the sort of contemporary New York hipster eager to intellectualize entertainment as long as your coolness stays intact. And there’s no intent to be aggrandizing with that assertion—just an uneasy transition urging you, dear reader, to check out Murder Party this weekend, during its midnight screenings at the Landmark Sunshine on Friday and Saturday. It’s good, bloody fun—full of slapstick, irony and mayhem in the bowels of Williamsburg. Set on Halloween night and following a young man whose desire to party leads him to being at the mercy of psychopathic killers (although they’d prefer call themselves artists). Murder Party, the debut feature from a crazed team of inventive performers called Lab of Madness, gives New Yorkers’ latest youth culture their inaugural chance to take their medicine. It comes out on DVD next week, but catch it on the big screen if you can.

Details surrounding the death of writer, drag performer and party promoter Dean Johnson's death are still sketchy. He apparently died last week in Washington, D.C., but his body was only recently identified. Johnson fronted two bands, Dean and the Weenies and Velvet Mafia. He also founded Rock and Roll Fag Bar in the late '80s, as well as HomoCorps, a monthly gay music showcase at CBGB, and was a perennial supporter of the Downtown art and club scene.

He was set to host his weekly "Reading for Filth: Queer Writers Read Queer Sex Stories" series at Rapture Cafe this Wednesday, which will now be used as a time to celebrate Johnson's life. The cafe's owner John Birdsong requests well-wishers to "bring photos, music, writings or any other Dean Johnson-related memorabilia for the Honoring Wall which has already sprung up around our stage."

Yes, we know chains are evil. And no, we don’t want our beloved city over-run by big brands forcing long-time neighborhood favorites out of business. But sometimes even we need to make exceptions. Especially when pancakes are involved.

The Post is reporting that IHOP—once known as the International House of Pancakes—is in talks to join Red Lobster, Applebees, and Baba Gump Shrimp Company in the one and only Times Square. The California-based all-day breakfast chain, with over 1,319 locations world-wide, would occupy a 23,000-square-foot, 3-floored space at 1540 Broadway (between 45th and 46^th). The chain already has a location on Adam Clayton Powell Jr. Boulevard in addition to those in Brooklyn, Staten Island Queens and Jersey.

Photo courtesy of mkgray69 on Flickr

Twenty-seven elementary, middle and high schools in New York State have been identified as “persistently dangerous”—up from 18 last year—and 25 of those 27 are located right here in NYC, according to a list released earlier today by the New York State Education Commissioner. “Persistently dangerous” schools are schools that report at least 60 serious incidents at least two years in a row. Serious incidents include crimes such as homicide, robbery and sexual assault.

This year’s list, which is required by the No Child Left Behind Act, added sixteen city schools to the nine that were already included. “It’s critically important that school leaders intervene quickly to keep children safe,” State Education Commissioner Richard Mills said during the announcement. Schools that make the list receive $100,000 to help improve conditions. You can click here for the full list and more details.

And while many of the city’s public schools may be dangerous, college students seem to be playing it safer. According to the new Princeton Review Annual College Rankings, Queens College is the 9^th most “stone cold sober” school in the country, down one spot from last year. SUNY Albany was the only school in the state that made the party list, coming in at number 20 on the list of top-party schools. West Virginia University, meanwhile, was declared the number one party school in the nation and also ranked in the top ten for beer and hard liquor. It came in at a respectable 11^th for marijuana use.

Photo courtesy of greenmelinda on Flickr

A Brooklyn resident who jumped naked into the Atlantic Saturday night after having “a few drinks” was found alive and unharmed under a pier in Long Beach at 5:30am yesterday morning following a frenzied search that included rescue crews from the Long Beach fire department, Nassau Country Marine Police and a Coast Guard helicopter. Neal Mello’s friends started to panic after the 37-year-old failed to return from his skinny dip, and soon called police. Officials said the man had drifted from where he’d left his friends, wallet, cell phone and clothes waiting on the shore and was a little disoriented, but in good physical condition when they found him. “Mr. Mello's modesty may have been harmed, but he could have done himself worse by not swallowing his pride and showing himself to rescuers when he did,” one Coast Guarder said.

And while having to tell your co-workers that you spent the weekend drunk in the Atlantic may be pretty embarrassing, we bet this guy’s feeling even worse. Not only did he get into a drunken fistfight with his girlfriend’s relatives at a graduation party at her house in Islip, Long Island, but when he tried to flee, he backed his car out of the driveway and accidentally ran over his girlfriend’s mother, seriously injuring her. The woman suffered a broken neck and head trauma and is now in the hospital. Dreamboy is, meanwhile, behind bars.

Photo courtesy of SuperFantastic on Flickr.

Ben Kweller. Riding that appearance on the Weird Al Show to super-stardom. Southpaw, 125 5th Ave. (betw. Sterling & St. John’s Pls.), B’klyn, 718-230-0236; 9, $18/$29.

Andy Friedman & The Other Failures, Sweet Crude Bill. Free sounds, $1 mugs of beer in rock ’n’ roll lounge. Magnetic Field Cocktail Lounge, 97 Atlantic Ave. (betw. Henry & Hicks Sts.), B’klyn, 718-834-0069; 8, free.

Drama of Works & Exploding Puppet Productions. “Sid & Nancy Punch & Judy Show,” “Words, Words, Words,” tiny monkey puppets try to write Hamlet, "Puppet Kafka" with marionette Kafka and cockroach, "Die Hard: The Puppet Musical,” singing-sock-puppet-themed adaptation of 1980's action flick. The Collective Unconscious, 279 Church St. (at White St.), 212-352-3101; 7:30, $10-$15.

The World Famous *Bob* presents Monday night burlesque. Galapagos Art Space, 70 N. 6th St. (betw. Kent & Wythe Aves.), B’klyn, 212-868-4444; 9:30, $5.

Osmany Paredes. It’s Mozart with a Latin heart and a jazzy soul. Jazz Standard, 116 E. 27th St. (betw. Park & Lexington Aves.), 212-576-2232; 7:30 & 9:30, $15.

Ben Kweller pictured

If it seems like a total downer to lock yourself up in a dark, dank theater on a summer evening, forget your worries. The Impetuous Theater Group revives their idea for cool poolside entertainment with Swim Shorts 3. The Holiday Inn-Midtown may be one of the tackiest hotels left in the city, but after you pass through the flashback lobby and up the rickety elevator to the rooftop pool, you'll forget the feeling of being in Daytona Beach and take in the incredible view of the high-rises on all sides.

But really, this is about the theater, right? The five 10-minute plays in Series A range from cruise ship-style entertainment (“Joe the Lifeguard”), freshman orientation humor (“Forgiveness”) and not-so-deep male morality tales (“Jettison”). Make sure to stick around for the final two. “A Proverbial Affair” has all the makings of a cliché skit-com, but Jennifer Loryn does her orgasmic best in a sweet and silly love triangle. And “Das Eisbar” pits the Americans, Russians and Germans against one another in water warfare: a pair of actors paddle behind model submarines and a U-boat and eventually end up playfully splashing around like kids in an oversized bathtub.

OK, maybe it’s not high culture, so just make sure to have a daiquiri in hand.

Photo by Tony KnightHawk

Robbers on High Street, Aeroplane Pageant, The Jealous Girlfriends. Their sophomore record, See, We Don’t Sound Like Spoon, debuted earlier this month. Bowery Ballroom, 6 Delancey St. (betw. Bowery & Chrystie St.), 212-533-2111; 8, $13/15.

Mo’ Fire. You don’t need any hot sauce for that chili! This party will set that booty on fire. I mean it will make you dance, sicko. Featuring The Roughstars, MC Yummy, The Groove Bros & The Whole Damn Family. Fontanas , 105 Eldridge St. (betw. Broome & Grand Sts), 212-334-6740; 10, $6

Pasolini’s Teorama. Terence Stamp plays sexy stranger who beds mother, father & daughter. BAM, 30 Lafayette Ave. (at Flatbush St.), B’klyn, 718-636-4100; 2, 4:30, 6:50, 9:15, $7.50-$11.

K2 Lounge “Time to Ascend” Party. Full bar, global sounds DJ, gallery. The Rubin Museum of Art, 150 W. 17th St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), 212-620-5000, ext. 344; 6-7 happy hour, 7 Tangka painting demo by Pema Rinzin, 9:30 CABARETcinema, free + $7 min.

Earth to Sun Ra. Reading of new opera, Mr. Mystery: The Return of Sun Ra to Save Planet Earth!, performances by Latsha N. Nevada Diggs, Taylor Ho Bynum, VJ’s Love Intelligence Group, DJ Steinski. Whitney Museum, 945 Madison Ave. (at 75th St.), 1-800-WHITNEY; 6-9, pay what you will.

Suicide. Pioneering synth-punk and revolutionizing Brazilian deodorant commercials. South Street Seaport, 19 Fulton St. (at South St.), 212-732-7678; 7, free.

The Millenial Territory Orchestra, Ethan Lipton. It’s movies with jazz once again—this time we hear the melodies accompanied by a selection of Laurel & Hardy films. Prospect Park Bandshell, 9th St. (at Prospect Park West), 718-855-7882; 7:30, free ($3 donation suggested).

Ann Hampton Callaway. You’ll recognize her as the voice from the theme from "The Nanny." Blue Note, 131 W. 3rd St. (at 6th Ave.), 212-475-8592; 8 & 10:30, $25.

Robbers on High Street pictured

Forget all those big-time hip-hop parties in Midtown with their bling-bling and their Jay-Zs and their Ice-Ts and their Q-Tips; the real parties are in East Farmingdale, hosted by charter airline companies.

Talon Air Inc., a charter airline based at Republic Airport in East Farmingdale that caters to America’s most affluent clientele, recently threw a bash for 300 people in its private hangar at Republic. The gatherers looked on in awe as the airline flaunted its line of 15 luxury jets and hosted a tennis match between Hall-of-Fame tennis stars Pete Sampras (pictured) and Jim Courier. Pristine Maseratis, which also filled the hangar, added a little extra color and opulence to the proceedings, as Talon unveiled the first 2008 GranTurismo prototype in North America.

Talon founder Alan Katz said the company has about 300 to 400 individuals—made up of entertainers, athletes and executives—who use its services year round and the company pledges to protect their anonymity. And clearly, the best way to keep things on the down-low is to throw massive parties with world-class athletes and the most ostentatious transportation money can buy.

Best Butt Contest. $100 for best cheeks, hosted by Mimi Imfurst, TJ the DJ. XES Lounge, 157 W. 24th St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), 212-604-0212; midnight (butt contest), free.

J-break, Wavewhore, detox, dance, sweat all night to breakbeat. Sullivan Room, 218 Sullivan St., (betw. W. 3rd & Bleecker Sts.), 212-252-2151 (rsvp@sullivanroom.com); 10pm-4am, $7 w/ RSVP.

Midsummer Arts Madness. Art auction and fundraiser for visual artists from Fort Greene, Clinton Hill, and the western edge of Bed-Stuy. Eleven Ten Gallery, 1110 Fulton St. (betw. Franklin Ave. & Classon St.), B’klyn, 718-857-5696 (RSVP to sonyany99@aol.com or 718-622-8711); 6:30-10, free.

Hippiefest Peace & Love Seaside Summer Concert Series. The Turtles, Felix Cavaliere’s Rascals, the Zombies, Moody Blues singer Denny Laine, Melanie, Country Joe McDonald. Asser Levy/Seaside Park, W. 5th St. & Surf Ave. (across from New York Aquarium), Coney Island/Brighton Beach, B’klyn, 718-469-1912; 7:30, $5.

Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings. Up to their knees in funk. Castle Clinton, Battery Park (Broadway and State Sts.), 212-344-7220; 7, free.

Marlena Shaw. During her years on the Blue Note label she released a disc called Who Is This Bitch Anyway? Enough said about her attitude. Jazz Standard, 116 E. 27th St. (betw. Park & Lexington Aves.), 212-576-2232; 7:30 & 9:30, $30.

They Might Be Giants, Les Chauds Lapin. They might be pushing 50. Bowery Ballroom, 6 Delancey St. (betw. Bowery & Chrystie St.), 212-533-2111; 8, $22/$25.

Opium Magazine’s Literary Death Match. William Walsh, Tony O’Neill, Tao Lin, Maureen Tkacik, Joshua Mandelbaum read; judged by Leigh Newman, Wesley Stace, host Anthony Tognazzini. Garibaldi Plaza, Washington Sq. Park, (east of the fountain in the center of the park), 212-696-6609; 6:30, free.

Reverend Jen’s Magical Birthday Anti-Slam! Open mic art stars celebrate elfin Jen dressed as magical creatures. Mo Pitkin’s, 34 Ave. A (betw. 2nd &3rd Aves.), 212-777-5660; 9:30, $4.

Erotic Performance Loft Party. Lesbian dildo show with porn star Ginger, topless and nude lap dancing. Midtown West Loft, 344 W. 38th St., 5th fl. (betw. 8th & 9th Aves.), Buzzer No. 501; 6:30pm-3:30am, $50-$60.

Wavegarden. Concert with crystal bowls, flute & tabla. Meta Center, 214 W. 29th St., 16th fl. (betw. 7th & 8th Aves.), 212-736-0999; 8-9:30, $20.

Pelican, Earth, Unearthly Trance. Here’s hoping the bouncers remember to bring earplugs. Luna Lounge, 361 Metropolitan Ave. (at Havemeyer St.), B’klyn, 718-384 7112; 7:30, $15/$17.

The Hazey Janes, The Muggs. Adorable indie rock just might be Scotland’s number one export. Maxwell’s, 1039 Washington St. (at 11th St.), Hoboken, 201-653-1703; 8:30, $8.

David Vandervelde and The Moon Station House Band, Blitzen Trapper, The A-Sides. Bowie and T. Rex. There are worse things to sound like…Mercury Lounge, 217 E. Houston St. (at Ave. A), 212-260-4700; 9:30, $10.

M.I.A. Trust me, it’s just a lot easier to say M.I.A. Studio B, 259 Banker St. (betw. Calyer St. & Meserole Ave.), B’klyn, 718-389-1880; 10, sold out.

Johnny Pacheco. This is New York salsa dura, created in Spanish Harlem—don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Pacheco, one of the original Fania all-stars proves it himself. South Street Seaport, Pier 17 Stage (Fulton & South Sts.), 212-732-7678; 7; free.

Amanda Monaco 4. The talented guitarist and educator shows her chops tonight. Tea Lounge, 837 Union St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), B’klyn, 718-789-2762; 9 & 10:30, $5 donation.

They Might Be Giants pictured

Pelican, Earth, Priestbird (formerly Tarantula AD). The show ain’t over until the first brain hemorrages. Bowery Ballroom, 6 Delancey St. (betw. Bowery & Chrystie St.), 212-533-2111; 8, $15.

Audacia Ray’s The Bi Apple. Erotica reading and screening. Anthology Film Archives, 32 2nd Ave. (at E. 2nd St.), 212-505-5181; 8-11, $5-$8.

Paper Rad w/ Cory Arcangel. Psychedelic blend of art and music w/ Ben Jones, Slow Jams Band, DJ Jazzy Jexxx. MoMA, 11 W. 53rd St. (betw. 5th & 6th Aves.), 212-708-9400; 8-11, $10.

Anthony Coleman. Melodic minimalist reveals inspirations, failures, successes, inner angst with audience participation. Issue Project Room, The (OA) Can Factory, 232 3rd St., 3rd Floor (near Gowanus Canal), B’klyn, 718-330-0313; 7, free.

The White Stripes, Grinderman, Porter Wagoner. At this rate, we fully expect Mr. White to be dressed in a blood-soaked chicken suit on the cover of the next record. Madison Square Garden, 4 Pennsylvania Plaza, 212-307-7171; 8, $39.50-$49.50.

Grady Tate Quintet. The famed drummer foregoes the sticks for the mike as he releases his new CD as a vocalist, recorded live at this very stage. Blue Note, 131 W. 3rd St. (at 6th Ave.), 212-475-8592; 8:30 & 10:30, $25.

Pelican pictured

Nicole Atkins & The Sea, Die Romantik, Takka Takka, Scott Liss. There’s maybe too much dark mystery for Mercury to contain. Mercury Lounge, 217 E. Houston St. (at Ave. A), 212-260-4700; 7:30, $12.

PAINTstain Monday Night Crafting. DIY, create art, commune & collaborate in cozy bar. The Stain Bar, 766 Grand St. (at Humboldt St.), 718-387-7840; 5, free, supplies provided or BYO.

The Trap: Selling Out to Stay Afloat in a Winner-Take-All America. Daniel Brook’s indictment of how American youth is trapped into boring corporate drone jobs to pay exorbitant rents and student loans. The Half King, 505 W. 23rd St. (betw. 10th & 11th Aves.), 212-462-4300; 7, free.

Something in Spanish, Nutron. Mysterious live performance by Brit exotic lounge avant-pop jazz group with unedited films. Monkeytown, 58 N. 3rd St (betw. Kent &Wythe Sts.), B’klyn, 718-384-1369; 8:30, $5 + $10 min.

Nom de Plume, Katy Pfaffl, Phonograph, Kelly Jones, Jim Campilongo Electric Trio. NY band Phonograph deliver that catchy crunchy folk rock that’s hard to resist. Living Room, 154 Ludlow St. (betw. Stanton & Rivington Sts.), 212-533-7235; 7-11, tip jar.

Ted Poor & Bad Touch. You gotta be poor and have a pretty amazing touch to try and overshadow a screening of Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid. Good luck, guys. Tea Lounge, 837 Union Street, Brooklyn, 718-768-4966; 8, $5 donation.

Bob Telson & Isabel de Sebastian. The guy who got an Oscar for Baghdad Café’s soundtrack shows up with his missus to sing movie songs and more. Joe’s Pub, 425 Lafayette St. (betw. Astor Pl. & E. 4th St.), 212-967-7555; 7:30, $15.

Takka Takka pictured

Bishop Allen, Rock Plaza Central. Taking a break from their busy schedule of not releasing an EP every month. South Street Seaport, 19 Fulton St. (at South St.), 212-732-7678; 7, free.

Way Down East. Newly restored print and musical score. Walter Reade Theater, Film Society of Lincoln Center, north side of W. 65th St. (betw. Broadway & Amsterdam Ave.), 212-496-3809; 7, $15/$20.

The Lolita Party. Get hot and sloppy with Andy D., The Mistakes, DJ Chrispy, sexy bartender Zachbot. Death by Audio, 49 S. 2nd St. (betw. Wythe & Kent Sts.), B’klyn, No Phone; 9, $6. www.myspace.com/thelolitaparty.

Crossroads. Slammin’ street art crossed with urban culture by Yushi aka Pesu (Old Souls), Andrew Cotton, Rodrigo Gonzalez, Andrew K Thompson & Mighty Tanaka (curator). Ad Hoc Arts, 49 Bogart St., Buzzer 22, Unit 1G (at Grattan St.), B’klyn, 718-366-2466; 7-10, free.

Pinchbottom’s Subconscious: Bottoms Over Broadway. Starring Amber Ray, Anita Cookie, Bastard Keith, Clams Casino, Tigger & more. The Collective Unconscious, 279 Church St. (at White St.), 212-352-3101; Thurs. & Fri. 10, $15.

Girls Against Boys. Twenty years later, and the battle continues to rage on. Bowery Ballroom, 6 Delancey St. (betw. Bowery & Chrystie St.), 212-533-2111; 8, $20.

The Coydogs, Marissa Nadler, TK Webb, Pale Hoarse, The Joints. Part coyote, part dog, part roots rock. Church of Messiah, 129 Russell St. (betw. Nassau & Driggs Aves.), 718-389-0854; 7am, $10.

Cursive. Honestly, an rock band with a cellist is okay in our book. Maxwell’s, 1039 Washington St. (at 11th St.), Hoboken, 201-653-1703; 7, $15.

Noisettes. The band describes lead singer, Shingai Shoniwa, as singing like Billie Holiday on PCP—because there’s a woman who needed to be more heavily medicated. Studio B, 259 Banker St. (betw. Calyer St. & Meserole Ave.), B’klyn, 718-389-1880; 10, $10.

Gogol Bordello. The band performed with Madonna at the Live Earth concert, so expect a lot of talk about Kaballah in faux British accents at the upcoming show. The Fillmore NY at Irving Plaza, 17 Irving Pl. (at 15th St.), 212-777-6800; 8, $25.

Neko Case, Eric Bachman. This is pre-electric Dylan (circa 1964) revived through Case, who they say came to fame forty years too late. But then we do need a reference, don't you agree? Central Park Summerstage, Rumsey Playfield (entrance at E72nd St.); 212-360-2756; 7, free.

Bobby “Blue” Bland, Catherine Russell. Well into the fifth decade of his career, Bland can still get you into that sweet groove. Do not dare to show up without a date. Prospect Park Bandshell, 9th St. (at Prospect Park West), B’klyn, 718-855-7882; 7:30, $3 donation.

Battles, Singer. A little bit synthetic, all the way rockin. Studio B, 259 Banker St. (betw. Calyer St. & Meserole Ave.), B’klyn, 718-389-1880; 8, $14.

Bishop Allen pictured

“No, I’m not on the fucking list!” I said impatiently (minus the foul language, of course) to the clipboard-wielding twentysomething that stood between me and the Richard Kidd launch at The Dactyl Gallery on Grand Street last night.  Normally, I’m all for the faux-elitist velvet rope pretension of Soho—then again, normally, I’m on the list. But I had just stood in line at the Deitch Project, hoping to get all glitterfied by the Dazzle Dancers, only to be turned away after waiting more than an hour. And now, left to roam the cobblestoned streets with no back-up plan, I decided that Dactyl would make for an adequate consolation. 

Once inside, after I had paid my respects to the bar, I got into a long conversation with a guy doing PR work for the featured Italian wines (the name of it I don’t recall, because it never crossed my mind to ask), but so far the only adjectives he had received from the other gallery crawlers were “acceptable” and “watery.” The Kidd show was titled “Boiling Down The ’80s,” and they weren’t kidding. It featured a handful of B&W wall-art framed by hot pink artist's tape and a pair of skater half-pipes converted into clothing racks for two-dozen signature pink T-shirts.  The word “fuck” was used several times, but it had been marked out.  Was there a great deal of censoring going on in the ’80s? Was the f-word taboo? How many drinks had I had anyway? Eventually, people began showing up in little groups of three and four, covered in glitter and deliriously happy—apparently, they had just left the Dazzle Dancers show and had no problem flaunting it.  I took a few moments to think the worst of them, I don’t know if it was plain and simple jealousy or righteous indignation toward their front-door fortune, but the first thing that came to mind was “F*ck them!”

Photo by John Jenkinson

The Lemonheads. Back like so much alternative rock clockwork. Warsaw, 261 Driggs Ave. (at Eckford St.), B’klyn, 718-387-0505; 8, $22.50.

Midsummer Brazilian Carnaval. Beleza Brazil performs samba, frevo, marchas, pagode, forró & more. Behind Lincoln Center fountain, Columbus Ave. (betw. 62nd & 65th Sts.), 212-721-6500; dance lessons at 6:30, live music from 7:30-10; $15 includes lesson.

Global Underground. Chosan, Eli Efi & Laylo, Foundation Movement, Zuluboy & more. Galapagos Art Space, 70 N. 6th St. (betw. Kent & Wythe Sts.), B’klyn; 8, $10/$12.

W.M.D. (just the low points): Ontological-Hysteric INCUBATOR. Absurdly comic mind-stimulating vapid chit-chat, live musical score performed by Captain Tom. St. Mark’s Church, Parish Hall, 131 E.  10th St. (at 2nd Ave.), 212-420-1916; 10, $5.

Drive-By Truckers. Finally, someone who speaks to the drifting cow-punk masses. Castle Clinton, Battery Park (Broadway and State Sts.), 212-344-7220; 7, free.

Electric Six. Can you really say you’ve lived a full life before you’ve heard “Gay Bar” on a boat? Rocks Off Concert Cruises, W. 41st St. at the Hudson River, 212-571-3304; 7, $30/$35.

Gravy Train!!!!, VIP, Love or Perish. Junx joined when Drunx left. Have no fear, though, the core of Chunx, Hunx, Junx and Funx remains intact. Studio B, 259 Banker St. (betw. Calyer St. & Meserole Ave.), B’klyn, 718-389-1880; 9, $10.

Blackmail With Alloy Orchestra, Morley. Nope, not that kind of blackmail, but a silent Hitchcock film set to newly-written music. Prospect Park Bandshell, 9th St. (at Prospect Park West), B’klyn, 718-855-7882; 7:30, $3 donation.

Eyaol Maoz’s Diymon. The Brooklyn-based guitarist was so influenced by Medeski, Martin & Wood that he got Medeski himself to record with him. Tea Lounge, 837 Union St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), B’klyn, 718-789-2762; 9 & 10:30, $5 donation.

Mobius Band, J.D. Samson (of Le Tigre), Sune (of The Raveonettes). If you aren’t dancing then watch out for Pilobolus Dance Theatre who will also be in the house. Hiro Ballroom at the Maritime Hotel, 363 W. 16th St. (at 9th Ave.), 212-242-4300; 9:30, free (RSVP at GBH.tv).

The Lemonheads pictured

They Might Be Giants, Corn Mo. Serious accordion-on-accordion action. Bowery Ballroom, 6 Delancey St. (betw. Bowery & Chrystie St.), 212-533-2111; 8, $22/$25.

Chuck Klosterman. Author talks about relativity of truth, sex, drugs & cocoa puffs. Hosted by Rich Cohen, author of Sweet and Low: A Family Story. Bryant Park Reading Room, 42nd St. (betw. 5th & 6th Aves.), 212-768-4242; 12:30-1:45, free.

Macbeth Without Words: The Pretentious Festival. Improves classic story by cutting out difficult language, doubles blood, ghosts, witches & bitches. The Brick Theater, 575 Metropolitan Ave. (betw. Union Ave. & Lorimer St.), B’klyn, 718-907-3457; 8, $10.

Open Level Naked Yoga. With Isis Phoenix, open up your second chakra—but don’t forget to bring your own towel. Yoga Mandali, 560 Broadway, 2nd flr. (at Prince St.), 212-473-9001; 8:15-9:45, $25 donation.

The Mooney Suzuki, The Muldoons, Stylofone. One percent inspiration and 99% perspiration? Yep, that about sums it up. Mercury Lounge, 217 E. Houston St. (at Ave. A), 212-260-4700; 8, $10.

The Fratellis, The Switches. When you meet two other guys named Fratelli, you really owe it to yourselves to start a band. Really. Roseland Ballroom, 239 W. 52nd St. (betw. 7t & 8th Aves.), 212-777-6800; 6:45, $22.

Steve Kuhn Trio feat. Eddie Gomez. You could drop the feature bit: Gomez is known to steal the spotlight from the bandleader way back when he played with Bill Evans. Jazz Standard, 116 E. 27th Street, 212-576-2232; 7:30 & 9:30, $25.

They Might Be Giants pictured

Teddy Thompson. The singer and guitarist releases his new disc, Separate Ways (Verve). Mo Pitkin’s, 34 Avenue A (betw. East 2nd & E. 3rd Sts.), 212-777-5660; 7, $15.

Marc Ribot. First he goes solo, then plays with Ceramic Dog and Spiritual Unity. World Financial Center Plaza, Battery Park City, 212-945-0505; 7, free.

FunFest! Bi-weekly film festival, submit films, watch them, network, win. Rapture Café & Books, 200 Ave. A (betw. 12th & 13th Sts.), 212-228-1177; 8, free.

Philharmonic Concerts in the Park. Conductor Sir Andrew Davis, R. Strauss, arias by Puccini, Massenet, Catalani & Weber, Musorgsky/Ravel: Pictures at an Exhibition (followed by fireworks). Great Lawn in Central Park (from 79th to 85th Sts.), 212-875-5709; 8, free.

Erik Friedlander. Avant-garde cello—you pretty much can’t fuck with that. Joe’s Pub, 425 Lafayette St. (betw. Astor Pl. & E. 4th St.), 212-967-7555; 7:30, $12.

Os Mutantes. Not even the Time Warner Center can contain that much awesomeness. Rose Theater, Time Warner Center (at Broadway & 60th St.), 212-823-6300; 8, $40-$55.

Betty Buckley, Kenny Werner. The renowned Tony Award-winner (I mean, come on, she played Grisabella in Cats) and singer joins forces with one of the most inventive pianists in modern jazz. Requests for “Memory” will be ignored tonight. Blue Note, 131 W. 3rd St. (at 6th Ave.), 212-475-8592; 8 & 10:30, $35.

Teddy Thompson pictured

The Shout Out Louds. Changed their name when they heard about another band called Luca Brasi. Go figure…South Street Seaport, Spiegeltent (at Pier 17), 646-775-2880; 11:30, $25.

Freegan Meeting and Trash Tour. Meeting and guided tour of retail waste. Herald Square Park, Broadway, (35th St. entrance), 347-724-6954; 7:30, free. 

Helpers. Reading of new comedy by Isaiah Sheffer, directed by Eduardo Machado, Q&A with cast & creative team after performance. Symphony Space, 2537 Broadway (at 95th St.), 212-864-5400; 7, free.

Caged. Women behind bars wreck the place in classic, 1950 flick. Pioneer Theater, 155 E. 3rd St. (betw. Ave.), 212-591-0434; 7, $6.50-$10.

The Decemberists, Grizzly Bear, Land of Talk. Bring some sunscreen—and a history book. Central Park Summerstage, Rumsey Playfield, E. 72nd St. at Fifth Ave., 212-360-2756; 5, $30/$35.

Ze Luis Quartet. Brazilian jazz in a club named after the country's favorite spirit—a potentially explosive mix. Cachaça, 35 W. 8th St.(bet. 5th & 6th Aves.), 212-388-9099; 9, 11 & 1am, $10.

Alice Smith. Sexy-styled vocals and dinner. Yum. Joe’s Pub, 425 Lafayette St. (betw. Astor Pl. & E. 4th St.), 212-967-7555; 9:30 & 11:30, $15.

Jerome Sabbagh Quartet. What can you say about a jazz band that plays before a screening of Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining? Tea Lounge, 837 Union St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), B’klyn, 718-789-2762; 8, $5 donation.

Shout Out Louds pictured

Armin Van Buuren. The DJ fires up his unique blend of soaring, electronic dance music for a rabid trance crowd this superstitious afternoon. McCarren Park, Lorimer Street (betw. Driggs Avenue & Bayard St.), B’klyn, no phone; 4:30 p.m.-12 a.m., $40+.

A Return to Our Dolly Dinkle Days. The Adult Dance Recital with “...And Dancers,” goofy days of tutus, baton twirling and tippy toes dancing. Collective Unconscious, 279 Church St. (at White St.); 212-352-3101; 10, $12.

Hysterical Dementia. Variety show w/ The Monumental Misfits of Comedy: Stephanie Sabelli, Bruce Smolanoff, Shecky Beagleman, Steve Bird. Mo Pitkin’s, 34 Ave. A (betw. E. 2nd & E. 3rd Sts.), 212-777-5660; 7:30, $10 + 1 drink min.

Groundhog Day. CABARETcinema: Artists’ Choice, karmic debt in Punxsutawney, Buddhist multimedia artist Andra Samelson introduces Bill Murray comedy. Rubin Museum of Art, 150 W. 17th St. (at 7th Ave.), 212-620-5000; 9:30-11:15, free + $7 bar min.

Menomena, Beat the Devil. Their second record, Friend of Foe, was criticized for its “feigned maturity,” which I guess is why we can relate. South Street Seaport, 19 Fulton St. (at South St.), 212-732-7678; 7, free.

Zoe, The Pinker Tones, Chetes. The Latin Alternative Music Conference hits town once again, bringing the new groove of Latino music outside the realm of salsa. Take for instance this sample, all of which share a taste for caliente-flavored electronic music. Prospect Park Bandshell, 9th St. (at Prospect Park West), 718-855-7882; 7:30, $3 donation.

Hugh Masekela. The singer/trumpeter was one of  South Africa’s main voices against apartheid, and age han’t mellowed him. Rockin’ The River Cruise, 42nd St. & the Hudson River (at Pier 83), 212-630-8888; 8 & 10:30, $45.

Run Run Riot, Sonji, Jen Urban & the Box, Mahogany, Tanya True. A good time will be had for all…Club Midway, 25 Avenue B (betw. 2nd & 3rd Sts.), 212-253-2595; 7:15, $10.

Armin Van Buuren pictured

Ron Sexsmith. If you haven’t had your fill of authentic Canadian bands so far, here’s another free one to gorge on. Castle Clinton, Battery Park, (betw. Battery Pl. & State St.), no phone; 7-9, free.

Readymade Dance Theatre Company: Version 2.0. Audience onstage with three performers as they thrash it out in a war. P.S. 122, 150 1st Ave. (at E. 9th St.), 212-477-5288; Through 7/15; 8, $10-$20.

Thrillerfest. 12 blockbuster thriller authors, including Tasha Alexander, Brett Ellen Bloc, Sean Chercover, Kathryn Fox, James Grippando, Philip Hawley Jr., Jonathan Santlofer, Andrew Gross. Borders, 461 Park Ave. (at 57th St.), 212-980-6785; 6-8, free.

Sonorous Echo, Eva Dean Dance & Alloy Orchestra. Sleep deprivation from A to Z and other nocturnal stuff. Dance Theater Workshop, 219 W. 19th St. (betw. 7th & 8th Aves.), 212-691-6500; Through 7/14; 2 & 7:30, $20.

Suzanne Vega. A decade and a half later, and I’m still trying to get that damn “Tom’s Diner” song out of my head. Highline Ballroom, 431 W. 16th St. (betw. 9th & 10th Aves.), 212-414-5994; 8, $30/$33.

Dub Trio, The Giraffes, The Exit. RSVP-only. Probably shouldn’t BYOB, though. Luna Lounge, 361 Metropolitan Ave. (at Havemeyer St.), B’klyn, 718-384 7112; 7:30, free.

Dragons of Zynth, DJ Mistakes, Brightside (ex-Aqui). Sort of like Fishbone, only, you know, even weirder. Solar One, 2420 FDR Dr. (betw. 23rd St. & Ave. C), 212-505-6050; 6, free.

Tim Fite, The Mugs. His bio is full of lies, but really, what do you expect from a indie hip-hop/country artist? Union Hall, 702 Union St. (at 5th Ave.), Park Slope, B’klyn, 718-638-4400; 8, $10.

Maximo Park, Monsters Are Waiting, The Oohlas. Lead singer Paul Smith was discovered by the band singing along to a Stevie Wonder song in a pub, which, incidentally, is how I landed this calendar gig. Webster Hall, 125 E. 11th St. (betw. 3rd & 4th Aves.), 212-353-1600; 7, $16.

Noche Flamenca, Andrew J Nemr & Cpd Plus, Darrah Carr Dance. Though better seen & heard in a more intimate setting of a small theater, Noche Flamenca’s singers, musicians and dancers will blow you away. Prospect Park Bandshell, 9th St. (at Prospect Park West), 718-855-7882; 7:30, $3 donation.

DJ Dolores, Aparelhagem. This Brazilian composer and producer has been a mainstay in his country’s electronic music scene since the emergence of the Mangue Beat movement in the early ’90s. S.O.B.’s, 204 Varick St. (at W. Houston St.), 212-243-4940; 10, $22.

Ron Sexsmith pictured

Sure, "Comedians of Comedy" tour headliner Patton Oswalt is a starring voice in the Pixar hit movie Ratatouille. And granted, he, along with Jerry Stiller, spent nearly a decade performing the feat of making "King of Queens" sometimes sort of tolerable as far as generic sitcom fare goes. However, Oswalt’s most endearing role was arguably the cameo on "Reno 911" where he played the unruly, chain mail-clad fantasy role player "Dungeon Master" who was eventually subdued with a stream of mace to the eyes. Given the fact that Patton is a stout little goblin of a man with an outspoken love of Star Trek and comic books, one can pretty much assume he knows his way around a 12-sided die.

However, Patton makes the biggest impression when he’s just being himself. He was certainly memorable during the Conan O’Brien appearance last year where he described the geriatric birthing phenomenon as pushing an "uncooked Cornish game hen" through a pair of "gray drapes." Surely the man has a knack for arresting wildly inappropriate imagery, especially in his stand-up act where he compares his dance floor agility to that of a retarded person holding a sparkler. Perhaps he’s at his most charming when he’s proudly showing off pictures of his pug on the forums of professional douchebag/former Answer Me! Publisher Jim Goad’s website.
Fresh off of a tour with Janeane Garofalo, Patton makes a pit stop at Brooklyn’s Sound Fix for a free performance. Give the fact that Sub Pop released his latest comedy album, “Werewolves and Lollipops,” it seems to make sense that he’s do an in store performance in a record store.

July 12, Sound Fix, 110 Bedford Ave., B'klyn, 718-388-8090; 8, free.

Spoon. See, not everything from Texas is bad. Rockefeller Park (at Chambers St. & River Terrace), no phone; 7, free.

Crossing the Bridge: The Sound of Istanbul. Musical flick screening w/ live bands, munchies. Socrates Sculpture Park, 32-01 Vernon Blvd. (at Broadway), Queens, 718-956-1819; sunset, free.

How the AP Has Covered New York City. New York Book Club sponsors panel discussion with AP’s most renowned correspondents and photographers: Hal Buell, Richard Drew, Valerie Komor & Edie Lederer. Visitors Center & Museum Shop, Tenement Museum, 108 Orchard St. (at Delancey St.), 212-982-8420; 6, free.

Let’s Spend the Night Together: Backstage Secrets of Rock Muses and Supergroupies. Word for Word Author Series, sizes and kinks revealed by Pamela Des Barres, Patti D’Arbanville. The Bryant Park Reading Room, at 42nd St. & 6th Ave., 212-768-4242; 12:30-1:45, free.

Deerhunter, Ex-Models, Blues Control. Their website is full of testimonials asking them to stop making music. How can you not love a band like that? Bowery Ballroom, 6 Delancey St. (betw. Bowery & Chrystie St.), 212-533-2111; 8, $15.

Sam Champion. They were named after a weatherman—we mentioned that before? Pianos, 158 Ludlow St. (at Stanton St.), 212-505-3733; 8:30, $10.

Femi Kuti & Positive Force, Dj Medina. The son of Fela Kuti inherited the Afro Beat mantle from his late father, Fela Kuti; DJ Medina is a mainstay at World Music dance parties around town...not bad for a midweek gig. Central Park Summerstage, Rumsey Playfield, E. 72nd St. (entrance at 5th Ave.), 212-360-2756; 7, free.

Mark Ronson, Papa Grows Funk. Amy Winehouse may have the hair, but Mark has the beats. Who do you think those special guests gonna be? Highline Ballroom, 431 W. 16th St. (betw. 9th & 10th Aves.), 212-414-5994; 9, Sold Out.

Daniel Kelly. His website says that he has “kaleidoscopic musical abilities which range from solo piano to richly cinematic electronic textures.” That means it's experimental jazz not meant to be understood. Tea Lounge, 837 Union St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), B’klyn, 718-789-2762; 9 & 10:30, $5 donation.

Spoon pictured

Band of Horses, Zach Galifianakis. It’s a bad art auction and now you get some good indie rock. Hiro Ballroom at the Maritime Hotel, 363 W. 16th St. (at 9th Ave.), 212-242-4300; 8, $30

British architect Zaha Hadid, choreographer Frederic Flamand. Lincoln Center Josie Robertson Plaza, Columbus Ave. (betw. 62nd & 65th Sts.), 212-875-5456; 9, free.

Sitelines: Tryst and System of Units. Performance troupe from Siberia paired with interventionist performance group from NY play off each other and passersby, outlandish costumes and “surprises.” River to River Festival, Old Slip (btw. Water & Front Sts.), adjacent to the Police Museum, 212-219-9401 ext. 118; noon-6, free.

Foosball Tournament. Fat Cat Billiards, 75 Christopher St. (at 7th Ave.), 212-675-6056; 7:30, free.

Mirah, Benjy Ferree, Magnolia. How can you not love someone with the middle name “Yom Tov.” Bowery Ballroom, 6 Delancey St. (betw. Bowery & Chrystie St.), 212-533-2111; 8, $15.

Federico Aubelle, Nortec Collective. Argentinean-born Aubele blurs the line between acoustic tango and electronic music, while Nortec Collective can’t even see that line, mixing up different musical styles into their eclectic mix. Proceed with caution. Central Park Summerstage, Rumsey Playfield, E. 72nd St. (at 5th Ave.) 212-360-2756; 7, free.

Slavic Soul Party. Get your Balkan groove on with the home-grown brass band every Tuesday from now until they become too big for the room. Barbès, 376 9th St. (at 6th Ave.), B’klyn, 718-965-9177; 9, $10 donation.

Band of Horses pictured

Art Brut, White Rabbits. Does a band with franchises really need to tour? How complicated is it? Did they really form a band? Find out tonight at 8. Highline Ballroom, 431 W. 16th St. (betw. 9th & 10th Aves.), 212-414-5994; 8, $18.

Norah Tarnow’s The Big Quiz Thing. Trivia around the clock: test your wit for grand prize at stake. All are welcome to play on teams of four or more and no one has to get on stage. Slipper Room, 167 Orchard St. (at Stanton St.), 212-253-7246; 8, $7.
 
Comedy Central’s Open Mic Fight. Top eight comedians in NYC. Comix, 353 W. 14th St. (betw. 8th & 9th Aves.), 212-524-2500; 8, $10 + 2 drink min.

Under Byen, Benzos. Rock without guitar? Only in Denmark. Knitting Factory, 74 Leonard St. (betw. B’way & Church St.), 212-219-3132; 8, $13.

The Mooney Suzuki, New London Fire, Dark Romantics. Doing music for Suzuki commercials, because very few tropes are as lucrative as the pun. Maxwell’s, 1039 Washington St. (at 11th St.), Hoboken, 201-653-1703; 9:30, $10.

Leonardo Cioglia Group. Kick off those Monday blues with this bassist’s upbeat Brazilian groove. Louis 649, 649 E. 9th St. (at Ave. C), 212-673-1190; 9, free.

Art Brut pictured

Fujiya & Miyagi. British Krautrock band named for Japanese characters and a punctuation mark. South Street Seaport, 19 Fulton St. (at South St.), 212-732-7678; 7, free.

Changing Room: The Body and Space. Installation in abandoned photo lab, photographer Anja Hitzenberger architect/designer Illya Azaroff performances by Jimena Paz, Pascale Wettstein. 145 Nassau St. (betw. Spruce & Beekman Sts.), no phone; 6, free.

Art After Dark: First Fridays. Pretty young things look at each other, art, DJs Justine D, Jacques Renault. Guggenheim, 1071 5th Ave. (at 89th St.), 212-423-3500; 9-1, $15/$25.

Romeo & Juliet. Shakespeare in the Parking Lot takes R&J to the asphalt. Municipal Parking Lot, Ludlow & Broome, 212-877-0099; 8, free.

Chromeo, Kid Sister, Flosstradamus. Electro-funk with a PhD in French Lit. Studio B, 259 Banker St. (betw. Calyer St. & Meserole Ave.), 
B’klyn, 
718-389-1880; 10, $10/$12.

Mulgrew Miller Trio. For the past 20 years, this pianist has changed the way people look at jazz piano. Find out how tonight. Jazz Standard, 116 E. 27th St. (betw. Park & Lexington Aves.), 212-576-2232; 7:30, 9:30 & 11:30, $30.

Karsh Kale. It’s a multi-culti mashup of Hindi/English/dance/lounge vibes. Joe’s Pub, 425 Lafayette St. (betw. Astor Pl. & E. 4th St.), 212-967-7555; 11:30, $20.

Fujiya & Miyagi pictured.

Benni Hemm Hemm, Casiotone for the Painfully Alone, The Donkeys. Because everything from Iceland is good, right? Mercury Lounge, 217 E. Houston St. (at Ave. A), 212-260-4700; 7:30, free.

Old Tricks by Red Metal Mailbox. Part freak-show, part dance-hall, all magic vaudeville theater with trio of carnival lovelies. Chocolate Factory, 5-49 49th Ave., Long Island City, Queens, 212-482-7069; 8, $15.

Daisy Spurs feat. The Fuckerettes, gogocuntrypunkmashupelectrohouse. Dixon Place, 258 Bowery, 2nd fl. (betw. Houston & Stanton St.), 212-219-0736; 10, $12-$15.

AfroPunk Series: Love Story. 2006 flick of Arthur Lee and Love, legendary ’60s psychedelic band. BAM Rose Cinemas, 30 Lafayette Ave., B’klyn, 718-636-4100; 6:50, $11.

Isaac Delgado, Xiomara Laugart, Pistolera. “Pistolera” is Spanish for “gunwoman,” but there’s no violence implied here, just a lot of Latin sounds into the night. Delgado is one of the biggest names in Salsa, by the way. Prospect Park Bandshell, 9th St. (at Prospect Park West), 718-855-7882; 7:30, $3 donation.

J.D. Allen I Am I Am Trio. You are! You are! OK, we got it. Puppets Jazz, 294 5th Ave. (betw. 1st & 2nd Sts.), B’klyn, 718-499-2627; 9, $10.

Fucking Hawk, Wild Bee, Lions & Tigers, The Jaguar Club, Animal Style. Ummm, did someone decide to take a trip to the zoo? Luna Lounge, 361 Metropolitan Ave. (at Havemeyer St.), B’klyn, 718-384 7112; 8, $6.

Benni Hemm Hemm pictured. Photo courtesy of Professor Batty on Flickr

Casiotone for the Painfully Alone, The Donkeys, High Places. Honestly, I was never a huge fan of Casiotone for Those in Fulfilling Relationships. Don Pedro’s, 90 Manhattan Ave., B’klyn, 718-218-6914; 8, $tba.

Emancipate Culture Project Breakfast Discussion. Community organizer Malia Lazu moderates discussion between musicians Cris Williamson, Vicki Randle, Christina Courtin & Sandra dos Santos and activists Janice Dixon, Kyung Ji Rhee & Diana McClure. McNally Robinson Bookstore, 52 Prince St. (betw.Lafayette and Mulberry Sts.), 212-274-1160; 9:30am, free.

Michael Formika Jones & Michael T’s The Factory. Dress wild and party, hosted by Richie Rich, Amanda Lepore, Rainblo, Greggor, Bronques, Miss Guy, Michael Cavadias. Lotus, 409 W. 14th (betw. 10th & 11th Aves.), 646-467-8251 (or email mgogel@lotusnewyork.com), dinner reservations 212-243-4420 x 250; 10pm, free (say “Formika” or “Michael T” at the door).

The Ataris, The Crash Moderns, Super Satellite. Goonies references and Don Henley songs for people who weren’t alive in the ’80s. Maxwell’s, 1039 Washington St. (at 11th St.), Hoboken, 201-653-1703; 7:30, $13.

Nick Bärtch Ronin. Tomorrow’s a holiday, so check out this Swedish pianist as he debuts  in the U.S. in time to see the fireworks. Joe's Pub, 425 Lafayette St. (betw. E. 4th St. & Astor Pl.), 212-539-8778; 7:30 & 9:30, $18.

Casiotone for the Painfully Alone pictured

Radio Birdman, Awesome Color. Australian for proto-punk. Gramercy Theatre, 127 East 23rd Street, (212) 777-6800; 7, $22.50/$25.

Romanian Violinist Eugen Tichindeleanu. Former child prodigy goes “fiery” on Franck, Paganini, Suk, Kreisler & Saint-Saens. The American-Scandinavian Foundation, Scandinavia House, 58 Park Ave. (betw. 37th & 38th Sts.), 212-879-9779; 7:30, $15.
 
Melissa Nolledo-Christoffels: Epiphanies of Flight. 30 works by Philippine photographer and digital artist. Philippine Center, 556 5th Ave. (betw. 45th and 46th Sts.), 212-764-1300; 7-10, free.

Online sex writers of Nerve.com. Authors Nick Antosca (Fires), Tao Lin, (Eeeee Eee Eeee & Bed), Nelly Reifler (See Through). McNally Robinson Bookstore, 52 Prince St.(betw.Lafayette & Mulberry Sts.), 212-274-1160; 7, free.

The Tito Puente Orchestra. The master timbalero may be gone, but his legacy lives on under the leadership of his son, Rony Puente. S.O.B.’s, 204 Varick St. (at W. Houston St.), 212-243-4940; 9, $20.

Photo of Radio Bridman

Ra Ra Riot. The show must go on. South Street Seaport, 19 Fulton St. (at South St.), 212-732-7678; 7, free

Patti LaBelle. Good Morning America Concert Series. Bryant Park, 42nd St. (betw. 5th & 6th Aves.), no phone; 7am, free.

Dance party at Cooper-Hewitt. DJ Derek Plaslaiko. Cooper-Hewitt, National Design Museum, 2 E. 92nd St. (at 5th Ave.), 212-849-8380; 6-9, $12.

Duende Arts. Creating theater in the most unthought-of places. Abrons Arts Center, Henry Street Settlement, 66 Grand St., no phone; Fri.-Sat. 8, free. (RSVP required: duendearts@gmail.com).

Daylight’s for the Birds, Southeast Engine, Harmony & Pollution. Used to be called On!Air!Library! A name like that is worth keeping the band together at all costs. Cake Shop, 152 Ludlow St. (betw. Stanton & Rivington Sts.), 212-253-0036; 8, $tba.

The Ballet. Just like the real ballet, only without all of the tights. Cinders, 103 Havemeyer St. (betw. Hope & Grand Sts.), 718-388-2311; tba.

Groove Collective, Ravi Coltrane, Craig Harris. Can you think of a better way to spend a night under a Brooklyn sky? Didn’t think so. Prospect Park Bandshell, 9th St. (at Prospect Park West), 718-855-7882; 7, $3 donation.

Carlinhos Brown, Céu. Brown single-handedly changed the face of Brazilian percussion as we know it; Céu makes her native São Paulo sound cool again. Nokia Theatre, Times Square, 1515 B’way (at W. 44th St.), 212-930-1950; 9, $30.

Ra Ra Riot pictured. Photo courtesy of cameronparkins on Flickr

Joan Jett and the Blackhearts. She’s vegan and supports the military. Now that’s rock ’n’ roll. Pier 54,  Hudson River Park (West & 13th Sts.), no phone; 7, free.

Wet & Wild Night Swimming. Get all wet with open wine and beer bar, finger food, entertainment, swimming under the stars. The Holiday Inn Midtown, 440 W. 57th St. (betw. 10th & 11th Aves.), 800-838-3006; Thurs. & Fri. 7-midnight, $25.
 
The Evolution of the Digital Portrait. Photography & video exhibit of Hollywood stars from the good old days: Bette Davis, Audrey Hepburn, Grace Kelly, Marilyn Monroe, Jane Fonda & more. ClampArt, 521-531 W. 25th St. (betw. 10th & 11th Aves.), 646-230-0020; 6-8, free.

Trombonophilia. End of month-long festival of NYC’s trombonists. The Stone, Ave. C (at 2nd St.), no phone; Thurs. & Fri. 8 & 10, $10.

Rocky Votolato, Langhorne Slim, Limbeck. Alt-country-o-rama. Bowery Ballroom, 6 Delancey St. (betw. Bowery & Chrystie St.), 212-533-2111; 8, $15.

Rickie Lee Jones. Played the Blue Fairy in a ’80s cartoon remake of Pinocchio, but let’s be honest, who didn’t? The Fillmore NY at Irving Plaza, 17 Irving Pl. (at 15th St.), 212-777-6800; 8, $45.

The Stills, Sam Roberts Band, Malajube. Now it’s Brooklyn’s turn to celebrate Canada. Prospect Park Bandshell, 9th St. (at Prospect Park West), 718-855-7882; 7, $3 donation.

Andy Palacio & Garifuna Collective. The Garifunas are the descendants of former slaves who were shipwrecked in the Caribbean. Today, their language and culture are endangered, and thanks to the effort of Palacio and others, we get to know what they are all about. S.O.B.’s, 204 Varick St. (at W. Houston St.), 212-243-4940; 9; $28.

NYC Firefighter Calendar signing. Meet the hunks, take pics, have calendar “signed” by New York’s bravest and cutest. The Original Fire Store, 17 Greenwich Ave. (betw. 8th St. & 6th Ave.), 212-226-3142; 4-7, free.

Reading For Filth. Queer writers read about queer sex w/ Wayne Hoffman, Aaron Hamberger & host Dean Johnson. Rapture Café, 200 Ave. A (betw. 12th & 13th Sts.), 212-228-1177; 8, free.

Nathan’s 4th of July Hot Dog Eating Qualifier Contest. Watch speedy-face-stuffing competitors trying to snag a spot in the upcoming annual Coney Island 4th of July 12-minute hot dog eating contest. South Street Seaport, 19 Fulton St., 516-338-8500; 7, free.

Dios (malos), School of Seven Bells, Mark Mallman, Hollerado. What’s better than getting a cease-and-desist order from Ronnie James Dio? OK, maybe Geddy Lee, but still. Mercury Lounge, 217 E. Houston St. (at Ave. A), 212-260-4700; 9, $12.

Manu Chão. By the time you read this, the show will be sold out. But you can always go through your favorite scalper, wander through the park and listen for the free vibes floating through the trees. Prospect Park Bandshell, 9th St. (at Prospect Park West), 718-855-7882; 7, $25.

Martha Wainwright, Chris Thile, Jim Campilongo, Ari Hest. Who knew she could follow up a record called Bloody Mother Fucking Asshole? World Financial Center Plaza, Battery Park (betw. Vesey & Liberty Sts.) 212-533-735; 7, free.

This Single Night of Summer. Ancient Finnish folklore, dance, music. The Living Room at The Gershwin Hotel, 7 East 27th St. (betw. 5th & 6th Aves.), 646-207-0595; 8, $10.

Resistance: A Radical History of the Lower East Side. Essays on Lower East Side pre-yuppie by Michael Rosen, Al Orensanz, Jay Blotcher, moderator Clayton Patterson. Visitors Center, Tenement Museum, 108 Orchard St. (at Delancey), 212-431-0233; 6, free.

Rescue Dawn. Sneak preview of Werner Herzog’s film w/ Steve Zahn appearing in person. Museum of the Moving Image, 247 W. 42nd St. (betw. 7th & 8th Aves.), 718-784-4520; 7, $14/$20.

EPO-555. The Danish World-pop quartet releases their new disc, Mafia. No “Sopranos” jokes, please. We’ve had enough of those. 200 Orchard Bar, 200 Orchard St. (betw. Houston & Stanton Sts.); 8, $10.

Photo of Chris Thile

Hawkwind, The Phantom Family Halo, Titan. Almost 40 years later, and it just keeps getting weirder. Europa, 104 Meserole Ave. (at Manhattan Ave.), B’klyn, 718-383-5723; 6:30, $25.

Apostle of Hustle, Home Video, Brighton, MA. Broken Social Scene sideproject, or blacksploitation version of the new testament. You make the call. Mercury Lounge, 217 E. Houston St. (at Ave. A), 212-260-4700; 10, $12.

Bad Brains. DC hardcore, the way it was meant to be experienced—on a boat. Rocks Off Concert Cruises (at W. 41 St. & 12 Ave.), 212-571-3304; 7, $35.

Benny Lackner Trio. Continuing the Brooklyn Underground jazz series with the local pianist, who mixes acoustic grooves with high-tech, electronic gadgets. Tea Lounge, 837 Union St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), B’klyn, 718-789-2762; 8, $5 donation.

Jacques Schwarz-Bart. Yep, I had a hard time pronouncing this Latin Jazz saxophonist’s name, too. Jazz Standard, 116 E. 27th St. (betw. Park & Lexington Aves.), 212-576-2232; 7:30 & 9:30, $15.

Kinderspiel. Stolen Chair Theatre Company’s erotic role-playing, taboo-breaking, adult child’s play from Weimar Berlin-style cabaret. Soho Think Tank, The Ohio Theater, 66 Wooster St. (betw. Spring & Broome Sts.), 212-410-2830; 7, free.

The Moth StorySLAM: Escape. Host Sara Barron. The Bitter End, 147 Bleecker (betw. Thompson & LaGuardia Sts.), 212-742-0551; 7:30, $6.

Günter Grass. Introduced and interviewed by Amos Elon, English-language reading by Michael Stuhlbarg. 92nd Street Y, Lexington Ave. (at 92nd St.), 212-415-5500; 8, $18.

Photo of Hawkwind

Mary Wilson looks great. It’s hard to believe she’s 63. But as she once told a reporter from the San Francisco Chronicle who asked what her beauty secrets were, “Black don’t crack.” That may be the secret to her life. She’s certainly had a lot of provocations and difficult times. But she’s still as strong and vibrant as her voice.

Her solo show at Feinstein’s at the Regency, “Up Close,” runs through the end of the month and is aptly named: a small room with terrific acoustics, tables that aren’t piled on top of each other and comfortable, well-upholstered seating. Although it was clear her fans would have gladly stood up for the entire show. She opened with the ballad, “Here’s To Life” (“…To dreamers and their dreams”), she could have been singing about herself and her own personal resilience.

I guess it shouldn’t be a surprise that the woman appears so confident and so happy to be right where she is. She even said so, “If I died and I could come back as anyone, I’d come back as Mary Wilson of The Supremes.” It’s impossible to look at her and listen to her and not be reminded of that young woman who, with her friends from the Brewster Projects of Detroit, dreamed of being a star and really made it, becoming one of The Supremes, one of the most successful and famous female singing groups in recording history. And when she sang, “My World Is Empty Without You,” it was hard to tell who was happier—the audience at hearing it or her while singing it. Her choice of songs was eclectic, “Smile,” “New York State of Mind” and “Don’t Know Why,” and her voice is amazingly strong, but what’s surprising is the emotional connection she brings to everything she sings.

Wilson thinks that the singers and groups today ought to realize that the eyes and ears of younger people are on them. “What you do matters to young people,” she cautions, adding they ought to try to “walk a straighter line.” Getting that first break may be harder, she acknowledges. “It’s more about marketing and making money than finding new genuine talent and creativity. Record companies are more into looking for a gimmick or something they can sell.”

Feinstein’s At The Regency ain’t cheap. There’s a $75 cover and a $40 minimum. But it’s certainly comparable to tickets to a Broadway show and a bite to eat. And all that for a living legend.

The Regency is at 540 Park Ave. (at 61st St.), 212-339-4095 for reservations.

Perhaps you don't know about the Splasher, the infamous "art critic" who goes around defacing all that valuable graf art. Well New York magazine certainly expected everyone to know and care when they published the extended 6,000+ word story that tracked the elusive street art bomber. And now there's more purported info on the splasher (who now seems to be setting off stink bombs and other flammable devices).

The event was last Thursday's opening of E Pluribus Venom at Jonathan Levine Gallery, the show of Obey Giant mastermind, Shepard Fairey's new works -- which includes a big ol' mural. According to The Brooklyn Paper, DJ 10 Fingers spotted someone light a "flammable device" at the swanky Dumbo party: "

A half-hour later, the bomb squad rushed to the scene to 'investigate some sort of flammable device,' and arrested the alleged would-be bomber, said an NYPD spokesperson.

The suspect, whom police said was from Bushwick, was charged with reckless endangerment and attempted arson, which carries a maximum of 15 years in jail."

So, some are wondering if this is the infamous Splasher (or a copycat), and if he/she will soon be behind bars. Not too many people noticed the event itself, but it's got a whole slew of folks in the art world aflutter--maybe it'll finally be time to market a new commodity: the anti-graffiti graffiti artist. We can only hope and dream of such a day.

Photo courtesy of Gowanus Lounge.

Comedy Central Park. Comedy Central’s Insomniac Dave Attell with five stand-up wiseguys: John Mulaney, Ted Alexandro, Joe DeRosa, Amy Schumer and Kurt Metzger. SummerStage, Rumsey Playfield in Central Park, enter park at 69th St. and 5th Ave. or 72nd St. and CPW, 212-360-2756; 7:30-10, free.

Matt & Kim, Parts and Labor, Deathset, The Golden Error. Of course they don’t have a bass player. That would just be creepy. Above the Auto Parts Store, 600 Bushwick Ave. (at Jefferson St.), no phone; 8.
   
Steve Shiffman & The Land of No, The Golden Revelry, Eric Gaffney, Linda Draper. You can take the Gaffney out of the Sebadoh, but you can’t take the Sebadoh out of the Gaffney. Cake Shop, 152 Ludlow St. (betw. Stanton & Rivington Sts.), 212-253-0036; 8, $7.

Longwave, Soft, Palomar, The Picture. The NME called their second record, “fucking amazing,” but really, there’s no need for that kind of language. Luna Lounge, 361 Metropolitan Ave. (at Havemeyer St.), B’klyn, 718-384 7112; 7:30, $12.

Rooney, The Rewinds. Named after a character in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, which should give you a pretty good idea where these guys stand. Maxwell's, 1039 Washington St. (at 11th St.), Hoboken, 201-653-1703; 7:30, $13/$15.

Lucero. Like line dancing in a leather jacket. Rocks Off Concert Cruises (at W. 41 St. & 12 Ave.), 212-571-3304; 10, $25/$30.

Ralph Stanley & The Clinch Mountain Boys. The Bluegrass legend comes to Brooklyn to show us city folks what the music of inner-America sounds like. Prospect Park Bandshell, 9th St. (at Prospect Park West), 718-855-7882; 7, $3 donation.

Las Rubias Del Norte. The Northern blondes continue to explore the sounds of Cuba, Mexico, Brazil and also American music that you have forgotten about. Barbès, 376 9th St. (at 6th Ave.), B’klyn, 718-965-9177; 10, $10.

Bob Kaiser & Friends. The Staten Island saxophonist shows his chops, playing both club tunes and hard-bopping material from Charlie Parker. Killmeyer’s Old Bavarian Inn, 4254 Arthur Kill Road, Staten Island, 718-984-1202; 9, free.

White Light/Black Rain. What really happened in Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Human Rights Watch International Film Festival, Walter Reade Theater at Lincoln Center, 165 W. 65th St. (at Broadway), 212-875-5600; 6:30, $7-$11.

“Art Models” Costumed Draw-a-Thon. Egon Schiele tribute, draw, paint, sculpt, 6 bands, intimate setting, fetish drawing sextion. Michael Alan Art, Retreat, 147 Front St., Dumbo, B’klyn; midnight-4am, $10.

June 23 is the first Saturday after the summer solstice, which means it’s that special time of year when mermaids, the rarest of creatures, can be seen in the thousands. That’s right, it’s the 25th anniversary of the annual Mermaid Parade at Coney Island, a celebration of sand, sea and questionable fish. In addition to hand-made mermaid and Neptune costumes, Coney Island’s own version of Mardi Gras boasts floats, various art, marching bands, antique cars and even a lighthouse, making it the nation’s largest art parade. It kicks off at 2 p.m. at West 10th Street and the Boardwalk, where King Neptune and Queen Mermaid will toss fruit into the ocean to appease the Sea Gods and mark the official opening of the ocean for the summer swimming season.

David Gratt, Managing Director of Coney Island USA, the not-for-profit arts organization that produces the parade, has announced that this year’s celebrity King Neptune will be Adam Savage of the Discovery Channel’s “MythBusters,” whose appearance will do double duty, “dispelling the myth that this is the Mermaid Parade’s last year,” and Queen Mermaid will be Patti D’Arbanville of FX’s “Rescue Me,” who’ll be there “to rescue Coney Island from Poorly Planned Development” (cute, huh?).

After the parade, stay for the ball, when everybody will gather to listen to music and watch sideshow acts and burlesque shows like the all-female “Tits and Giggles.” For a thrill of the non-marine variety, slip in to see Chuy, “the Wolf Man of Mexico,” living proof that fuzzy wuzzy wasn’t always a bear.

With the destruction of Astroland a done deal and all kinds of development looming, this Mermaid Parade may be the last to bear witness to Coney Island as it once was. So whether you have a thing for Ariel or Triton, take a break from your fellow bipeds and get your sea legs—who knows, one of these days the Mermaid Parade could be taking place under water.

Photo courtesy of Jeff Keen on Flickr.

The Richard Thompson Band, Ollabelle. Brit blues into the night for all those sad, sad Brooklynites. Prospect Park Bandshell, 9th St. (at Prospect Park West), 718-855-7882; 7, free ($3 donation).

Make Music NY! New music/art quintet jamming things up on the sidewalk, Stephanos Tsigrimanis, Sarah Willis, Sarah Finer, Paul Pinto, Jeffrey Young. Streetcorner of 112th St. & Manhattan Ave., 646-701-2641; 6-7, free.

Debut of Gazelland: Skin Magazine. Chic “mature” club kids, trannies, fashion queens, Julie Atlas Muz, DJ Larry Tee, hosted by freak chic Gazelle, Suzanne Bartsch, Kenny Kenny, Amanda Lepore, Moondust, Lady Fag, Viva, Joey Israel, Andre J., Brandon Olson. Kino 41, Arena, 135 W. 41st St. (betw. 6th Ave. & Broadway), 212-278-0988; 10:30, free.

Porn Rock Ball. Go down and get down with sex rock act Erocktica and PinkSnow, live porn rock bands, Baroness fetish fashion show, MC Editrix Abby, strippers, burlesque artists, DJ Xris Smack, topless balloon popping, orgasm contest. Don Hill’s, 511 Greenwich St. (at Spring St.) 646-279-7054; 8:30-1am, $10/$15 (free w/ costume).

Honorary Title, The Pierces, Bear Hands. Don’t get more rock ’n’ roll than “intricately worded narratives.” Mercury Lounge, 217 E. Houston St. (at Ave. A), 212-260-4700; 9, $12/$14.

Photo of Ollabelle

The Giraffes, Dragons of Zynth, Beat the Devil. Mustache rock—with mustaches. Maxwell’s, 1039 Washington St. (at 11th St.), Hoboken, 201-653-1703; 9, $8.

In the Flesh Erotic Reading Series. Celebrate queerness of all tastes and colors with Radclyffe, Jolie du Pre, J.D. Glass, Michael Luongo, Jay Lygon, Peggy Munson, host Rachel Kramer Bussel. Happy Ending Lounge, 302 Broome St. (betw. Eldridge and Forsyth Sts.), 212-334-9676; 8, free.

Lesser Seen Lynch. Bobby Peru says to Lula, “I gotta take a piss bad, can I use your head?” Guy Girard’s David Lynch: Don’t Look At Me and Wild At Heart. Ad Hoc Art, 49 Bogart St., Buzzer 22, Unit 1G, E. W’burg, B’klyn, 718-366-2466; 7:30, free.

PopRally P.S.1 Summer Preview. Cocktails, psychedelic light show “The Meltyblend Oculus,” Lorenzo de Los Angeles III and exhibits. P.S.1 Contemporary Art Center, 22-25 Jackson Ave. (at 46th Ave.), Queens, 718-784-2084;noon-6, $5.

Peaches. Did a guest spot on a Pink album and appeared on the soundtrack for the second Jackass movie—not bad for someone with a backup band she affectionately referred to as hermaphrodites. Highline Ballroom, 431 W. 16th St. (betw. 9th & 10th Aves.), 212-414-5994; 9, $30/$35.

Ateleia, David Behrman. According to his bio, Ateleia “combines crystalline pulse with submerged aquatic drones and subtle ghost melodies,” which is apparently a really long way of saying, “makes ambient music.” Issue Project Room, 400 Carroll St. (betw. 1st & Union Sts.), 718-330-0313; 8, $10.

Rainey + Berne + Hebert. What’s with these plus signs? Couldn’t they come up with a name or a bandleader? Tea Lounge, 837 Union St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), B’klyn, 718-789-2762; 9 & 10:30, $5 donation.

Mccoy Tyner Trio w/ Toots Thielemans. The legendary octogenarian harmonica player joins Tyner tonight. No way you can miss out on this one. Blue Note, 131 W. 3rd St. (at 6th Ave.), 212-475-8592; 8 & 10:30, $55.

Photo of The Giraffes

Sneak preview of Michael Moore’s film Sicko. Crappy American health care, discussion with Michael Moore in person. Sponsored by Variety and Museum of the Moving Image, location TBA, call 718-784-4520; 7, $14/$20.

Tribeca Drive-In at Rockefeller Center. Summer series of drive-in flicks on huge 30’x 50’ screen, Lucy Liu in Watching the Detectives. 30 Rockefeller Plaza, enter on 49th St. (near 6th Ave.), 212-941-2400; open 6, movies start 9, free.

Modern Times. The Tramp plays the fool. Leonard Nimoy Thalia, Symphony Space, 2537 Broadway (betw. 95th & 96th Sts.), 212-864-5400; 9, $10.

Big Business, Panthers, Hull. Big Biz brings the metal, but leaves the guitars at home. Knitting Factory, 74 Leonard St. (betw. B’way & Church St.), 212-219-3132; 8, $12/ $14.

Preservation Hall Jazz Band. Funky swamp swing fresh from the Crescent City. Town Hall, 123 W. 43rd St. (betw. 6th Ave. & B’way), 212-997-1003; 7, $40, $55.

Albert Hammond Jr., The Dead Trees, Medium Cool. Man, everyone sounds like The Strokes these days. Webster Hall, 125 E. 11th St. (betw. 3rd & 4th Aves.), 212-353-1600; 8, $20/$23.

Speakeasy Cinema. Host Matt Kohn invites film artists who bring surprise fave film, afterward everyone talks. The Collective Unconscious, 279 Church St. (at White St.), 212-254-5277; 7:30, $5.

Comics Demetri Martin, Greg Giraldo, Amanda Melson, Baron Vaughn, Andres DuBouchet, host Liam McEaneaney. Celebrate Monday with a few laughs, a few drinks. Lolita, 266 Broome St. (at Allen St.), 212-966-7223; 8, free, happy hour until 8.

Annie Hall. The Woodman w/ Diane Keaton. Bryant Park, behind New York Public Library (betw. 40th & 42nd Sts. & 5th & 6th Aves.), 212-768-4242; 5-11 (film begins at sunset), free.

Panda Bear. The one-man jam band featured on our cover two weeks ago. Bowery Ballroom, 6 Delancey St. (betw. Bowery & Chrystie St.), 212-533-2111; 7:30, $15.

Buffy Saint-Marie. The folkie that used to live on Sesame Street plays NYC for the first time in over 10 years. Highline Ballroom, 431 W. 16th St. (betw. 9th & 10th Aves.), 212-414-5994; 7:30, $30.

Alexis Cuadrado’s Puzzles Quartet. The Barcelona-born bass player relocated to the U.S., where he joined the local Brooklyn Jazz Underground collective, which showcases local talent every Monday at the neighborhood coffee house/arts space. Tea Lounge, 837 Union St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), B’klyn, 718-789-2762; 8, $5 donation.

Photo of Albert Hammond Jr.

Voxtrot, Favourite Sons, Au Revoir Simone. Like the ’80s, without the eaganomics. Webster Hall, 125 E. 11th St. (betw. 3rd & 4th Aves.), 212-353-1600; 6, $18.

The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari. Obsession, somnambulism & murder w/ live music by Richard Marriott & Club Foot Orchestra. The Morgan Library & Museum, 225 Madison Ave. (betw. 36th and 27th Sts.), 212-685-0008; 7, $10/$15.

Monkey Town Twice-Yearly Video Art Fest. Best of. Monkey Town, 58 N. 3rd (betw. Wythe & Kent Sts.), B’klyn, 718-384-1369; Fri. & Sat. 7:30 & 10, $5, reservations recommended.

BowieBall. 35th anniversary of Ziggy Stardust, glam rock with Keanan Duffty, Peppermint, Formika, Deva, Fischerpooner DJ set, Amber Ray, Ginger Fringe, Angie Pontani. Don Hill’s, 511 Greenwich St. (at Spring St.), 212-219-2850; 10pm-4am, $10 (w/RSVP and costume)/$15 at door.

Apples in Stereo. Used books and borrowed psych pop. Housing Works Bookstore Café, 126 Crosby St. (at Jersey St.), 212-334-3324; 7:30, $25.

O’Death, Reverend Peyton’s Big Damn Band, The Super Monster. Gaelic for death. Luna Lounge, 361 Metropolitan Ave. (at Havemeyer St.), B’klyn, 718-384 7112; 7:30, $10/$12.

Izaline Calister. The Curaçao-born singer makes her first New York appearance, mixing jazz and Afro-Antillean music in her native language, Papiamentu. Americas Society, 680 Park Ave. (at 68th St.), 212-277-8359; 7, free (registration required).

Olu Dara, Cassandra Wilson. Summerstage (the free one) officially opens today with the father of Nas and Wilson—one of the most distinctive voices in contemporary jazz. Central Park Summerstage, Rumsey Playfield, E. 72nd St. at Fifth Ave., 212-360-2756; 7, free.

Photo of Voxtrot

Zagat's recently released its 2007/2008 NYC Nightlife summer guide to bookstores after surveying New York’s best and brightest inhabitants—6,121 “loyal, late-night partygoers”—to determine the city’s hottest bars, lounges, clubs and restaurants. The participants, who collectively spent 640,000 nights out on the town this year, used their judgment-impaired wisdom to rate 1,265 select institutions in the city. 

Pastis won the big award, Most Popular, proving that despite their pretentiousness, we all like a little French in our life. Of course, this isn’t a surprise to us, since we’ve been raving about their fries for the past six years. Top Appeal went to the King Cole Bar, whose fabulous martinis and maxie parish murals we told you about in our 2001 Best of Manhattan issue. Should you follow their, and our advice, make sure you work a double shift during the day; their drinks can be pretty steep. Megu earned Top Décor and Restaurant Daniel earned the fourth major award, Top Service. But for the menu prices at the latter, they better give free massages and shoeshines throughout the meal, and hopefully a complementary bottle of extra-strength Tylenol to ease the pain when you get the bill.

Other notable awards: Otheroom won Beer Specialist, Milk & Honey won Cocktail Expert, Therapy won Best Gay Bar and 40/40 won Best Sports Bar. Now make us proud and hit the town.

Photo courtesy of Peter Duhon on Flickr

Earl Greyhound, Dirty on Purpose, Great Northern. Just like the ’70s, only with long hair and afros. Bowery Ballroom, 6 Delancey St. (betw. Bowery & Chrystie St.), 212-533-2111; 8, $13/$15.

A.M. Holmes & Daniel Mendelsohn. Tell-all about new memoirs. Housing Works Used Book Cafe, 128 Crosby St. (betw. Prince & W. Houston Sts.), 212-334-3424; 7, free.

Camilla Trinchieri. Book release party for reading for new novel, The Price of Silence. Tenement Museum, 97 Orchard St. (betw. Broome & Delancey Sts.), 212-982-8420; 6, free.

Over The Rainbow, Under the Bridge. Goddess Trina Rose unveils new flick, A Yellow Brick Road, a Wizard of Oz from munchkin’s perspective. D.J. Johnny Dynell, hosts John Cameron Mitchell & Justin Bond. Unisex Salon, The Delancey, 168 Delancey (betw. Attorney & Clinton Sts.); 10, $5/$10, RSVP to listlistlist@gmail.com.

Asian Fusion Puppetry. Puppets from the East meet puppets from the West, plus screening of action-packed cult film, Kung Fu Hustle. Lunar Stages, Chinatown, Columbus Park (Bayard & Mulberry Sts.), no phone; 7:45-11, free, www.lunarstages.com.

Mary Timony, Georgie James, Welcome. Mary Timony studied viola at the Duke Ellington School of the Arts in Washington D.C. How’s that for rock ’n’ roll? Mercury Lounge, 217 E. Houston St. (at Ave. A), 212-260-4700; 8:30, $10.

Marta Topferova. The Czech-born deep-voiced singer/songwriter opted to compose her original material in Spanish, but that doesn’t mean she’s forsaken her native tongue. Barbès, 376 9th St. (at 6th Ave.), B’klyn, 718-965-9177; 10, $10.

Thought. We guess the Brooklyn-based pop-jazz fusion band couldn’t think of a name… until they came up with this. Tea Lounge, 837 Union St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), B’klyn, 718-789-2762; 9 & 10:30, $5 donation.

Photo courtesy of magnificent.bastard on Flickr

Von Robinson and His Own Universe doesn’t play a ton of shows, so you better catch them at Kenny’s Castaways tonight at 8 p.m.—your next chance to see them live won’t be until September. Von says, “I like playing out alright, but sometimes the money and energy could be better spent getting our music out on the Internet and MySpace.” The band’s music is poppy and easy to listen to, but with titles like “XXXtraordianary Rendition,” the political commentary is pretty serious. In an earlier interview, Von said, “I wanted to get the message out, but I didn’t want it to be too preachy or heavy-handed. I wanted to do pop music, so it danced in your ear nicely.” The approach seems to be working, as the band claims fans all over the world, and has been selling their debut album JOSTLE IT!#¢ from their MySpace page ever since they self-released it earlier this year.

Amanda LePore, Cazwell, Jonny McGovern, Mr. Joe, Dean Johnson. Cocktails and trannies at literary salon. Rapture Café & Books, 200 Ave. A (betw. 12th & 13th Sts.), 212-228-1177; 8, free dirty martinis 10-11.

Julius Caesar. To be or not to be—et tu? Moosehall Theatre Production. Inwood Hill Park Peninsula, 218th St, & Indian Rd. and Isham St. and Seaman Ave., 917-918-0394; Through June 23 at 7:30, free. www.moosehallisf.org.

CAKE Dirty Dance-A-Thon. “Sexually charged” touchy-feely party for the ladies. Arena, 135 W. 41st St. (betw. 6th Ave & Broadway), no phone; 10, $10(women)/$20. www.cakenyc.com.

Flight of the Conchords, Eugene Mirman. Not TV stars, but they play them on TV. Blender Theatre at Gramercy, 127 E. 23rd St. (betw. Lexington Ave. & Park Ave. S.), 212-777-6800; 7, $25.

Golden Bear, Phonograph, Rocketship Park, The Morning Pages. Not to be confused with the Western New England College Golden Bear Pep Band. Maxwell’s, 1039 Washington St. (at 11th St.), Hoboken, 201-653-1703; 8, $8.

Booker T. & the MG’s, Sharon Jones. Back when the term “house band” had nothing to do with crappy techno music. Nelson A. Rockefeller Park, Battery Park City (at Chambers St.); 7, free.

Esperanza Spaulding. The experienced bassist has a distinguished career playing with Joe Lovano and the Ray Charles Big Band. Tonight she shows her chops as a bandleader. Jazz Standard, 116 E. 27th St. (betw. Park & Lexington Aves.), 212-576-2232; 7:30 & 9:30, $20.

Lily Allen, Kevin Michael. Got in trouble for calling Bob Geld a “cunt.” Yeah, been there. Roseland Ballroom, 239 W. 52nd St. (betw. 7t & 8th Aves.), 212-777-6800; 6:45,$26.

Museum Mile at El Museo. Haunting exhibition of The Disappeared (Los Desaparecidos) by 14 artists from seven Central and S. American countries, live music, dancing, do-it-yourself chalk designs and street murals. Museo del Barrio, 230 5th Ave. (at 104th St.), 212-831-7272; 6-9, free.

La Bohème. Metropolitan Opera in the Park presents Puccini. Great Lawn Central Park (79th to 85th St.), 212-362-6000; 8 (get there 2 hrs early for good seat), free.

Reel Life Moviehouse. Dr. Strangelove w/ Brooklyn short films. Galapagos Art Space, 70 N. 6th St. (betw. Wythe & Kent Aves.), B’klyn, 718-782-5188; 8, free.

Akron/Family, White Magic, Lexie Mountain Boys. They’re not all related and they live in New York City, but otherwise the name is totally accurate. Bowery Ballroom, 6 Delancey St. (betw. Bowery & Chrystie St.), 212-533-2111; 7, $15.

Feist, Grizzly Bear. The uncollective Broken Social Scene. Town Hall, 123 W. 43rd St. (betw. 6th Ave. & B’way), 212-997-1003; 8, $25.

Bob Parins, Phonograph, Jeff Young, Chris Koza. Catch Phonograph’s Heartbreakers-meets-Wilco set at 9. It’s Petty Tweedy. Living Room, 154 Ludlow St. (betw. Stanton & Rivington Sts.), 212-533-7235; 7, tbd.

Somi. The Illinois-born singer draws from her East African heritage on her amazing new disc, Red Soil In My Eyes. Her music will bring tears to yours. Jazz Standard, 116 E. 27th St. (betw. Park & Lexington Aves.), 212-576-2232; 7:30 & 9:30, $20.

Wumm Zack, Gasser/Reiter Duo. What’s that? Yep, it’s Wumm Zack, straight out of Austria. Oh, and Gasser is not what you’re thinking. Austrian Cultural Forum, 11 E. 52nd St. (betw. 5th & Madison Aves.), 212-319-5300; 7, free.

Photo of Lily Allen

The Ladybug Transistor, Pipas. Is there such a thing as too much Elephant 6? We’ll let you know. Union Hall, 702 Union St. (at 5th Ave.), Park Slope, B’klyn, 718-638-4400; 8, $10.

On the Bowery. Hybrid narrative and documentary film of impoverished bums on Bowery by director Lionel Rogosin. MoMA, 11 W. 53rd St. (betw. 5th & 6th Aves.), 212-708-9400; 8, $6-$10.

You Bet Your Life LIVE! All hell breaks loose at zany 2007 version of Groucho Marx game show with Lisa Levy. HERE Arts Center, 145 6th Ave. (betw. Spring & Broome Sts., entrance on Dominick St.), 212-352-3101; 7, $10.

Artemis Women’s Wrestling Club Meet. Basic submission grappling, tumbling, break falls, physical conditioning. Fight House, 2nd fl., 122 W. 27th St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), no phone; 6-7:30, $15 women, $20 male companions.

Michelle Carr. With a background in musical theater and appearances on Broadway, the local singer graces a small stage for a change. Blue Note, 131 W. 3rd St. (at 6th Ave.), 212-475-8592; 8 & 10:30, $20.

Photo of The Ladybug Transistor

This summer, come see Cock Lorge’s big, blue...eyes as he wails out on stage in Thank Cock it’s Tuesday. Inspired by musicians such as the Clash, Van Morrison and Bob Dylan, Cock mixes up the show with a bit of reggae, comedy and good rhythm.

Mr. Lorge enters the stage with the crowd screamin, “Cock! Cock! Cock!” As he plays the harmonica, he bellows out with great melody, Lift My Balls/Leave My Place. My ears perk up as he spouts more poetry. Soon, Cock switches to a reggae beat. When he’s all Dylaned out, he asks Shayna Ferm to come up and chirp with him for her first stage performance. Shyly, she performs a duet with Cock appropriately titled “Cock in Pussy”—a song I didn’t get out of my head for a week. As Shayna gracefully exits the stage, Shockwave comes on, making Pac Man-type sounds. I feel like I’m riding on Space Mountain as they sing, They’re Brunettes But Their Bushes Are Blond.

The irony in all of this is that Cock is a very happily married guy with two adorable kids who dig their Dad’s music. Check out what his fans—underage and over the hill alike—find worthy of adoring this Tuesday at Pianos, 158 Ludlow at Stanton, 212-505-3733, 8 p.m., $5. Joining Cock will be Andres du Bouchet, Carla Rhodes, Jessica Delfino, Ionia, Shayna Ferm and The War Eagles.

Photo courtesy of Maryanne Ventrice on Flickr

Gotham Girls Roller Derby. Season opening grudge match, Bronx Gridlock vs. the Queens of Pain. Hunter College, B3 Gym. Lexington Ave. (at 68th St.), 646-405-9803; 7; 8:30 whistle, $20-$30.

Robin Thicke. Good Morning America Summer Concert Series. Bryant Park (41st St. & 6th Ave.); 7am, free.

Freak Show. Comedy by Poykpac, music by Riah/tr33soul, Argyle Johansen, Skyhill and NaNuchKa. DJ Crunc Tesla, video art by Broken Lens, demented clown bartender, body painting, circus/sideshow, burlesque performance as a happy ending. Sputnik Bar, 262 Taaffe Pl. (betw. DeKalb & Willoughby Sts.), B’klyn, 718-398-6666; 8-late, $5.

The Clientele, Beach House, Pipas. They used to be called The Butterfly Collectors, which should give you a pretty good idea where they stand. Bowery Ballroom, 6 Delancey St. (betw. Bowery & Chrystie St.), 212-533-2111; 8, $15.

Jesse Malin, Radio 4. Collaborated with Ryan Adams as The Finger, for the EPs We Are Fuck You and Punk’s Dead Let’s Fuck. Should be fun for the whole family. Highline Ballroom, 431 W. 16th St. (betw. 9th & 10th Aves.), 212-414-5994; 7, $50.

Snowden, Beat Up Old Fellas, The King Left. Opened for Clap Your Hands Say Yeah and Arcade Fire on the strength of their first EP. You should pretty much just give them your money now. Maxwell’s, 1039 Washington St. (at 11th St.), Hoboken, 201-653-1703; 8, $8.

Architecture in Helsinki, Santogold, Black Moth Super Rainbow. All the goofiness you could ever want from a six-member Australian indie rock band. The Fillmore NY at Irving Plaza, 17 Irving Pl. (at 15th St.), 212-777-6800; 8, $18/$20.

Oscar Peterson Tribute. At 82 years of age, the legendary pianist of many historical performances & recordings receives living tribute. A truly swinging night with Hank Jones, Christian McBride, Freddie Cole, Paquito D’Rivera and many others. Carnegie Hall, 881 Seventh Ave. (at 57th St.), 212-247-7800; 8, $18-$66.

Maysa. The talented R&B singer warms us up even further with her new disc, Feel the Fire. And it’s pretty hot outside already. B.B. King Blues Club & Grill, 237 W. 42nd St. (betw. 7th & 8th Aves.), 212-997-4144; 8, $27.

Photo courtesy of Gotham Girls Roller Derby

In May, Alternative-rock legend Dinosaur Jr released Beyond—the band’s first studio album in ten years, and the first with the original lineup of Mascis, Barlow and Murph since 1988’s Bug. Unlike almost all other reunion albums, Beyond is great and can be compared favorably to any of the band’s past music. The trio, who has been reunited and touring for the last couple of years, hit the stage of The Fillmore New York at Irving Plaza for two straight sold out shows on Wednesday and Thursday. I was at the packed club on Thursday night to witness the performance first hand, and Dinosaur Jr brought back the feeling of early grunge by rocking out with plenty of feedback. Playing a lot of new material, including show opener “Almost Ready,” they also mixed in a bunch of early songs from albums from long, long ago. The biggest surprise came when the band ripped through a guitar heavy cover of the Cure’s “Just Like Heaven” only one song into their set. It was a deafening, riff-heavy night with guys chugging beers and sweaty chicks moshing right there with them. It was everything a Dinosaur Jr fan could ask for.

Photo courtesy of Jonny-Leather

Bloc Party, The Noisettes, The Maccabees. They haven’t saved rock ’n’ roll yet, but according to NME, they’re still working on it. Asbury Park Convention Hall, 1300 Ocean Ave, Asbury, NJ, 732-775-0959; 7, $30.

The Miss Lez Pageant. Beauty pageant for seven hot queer women. Luna Lounge, 361 Metropolitan Ave. (at Havemeyer St.), B’klyn, 718-384 7112; 7, $15/$20.

Love. Artist d. lammie-hanson’s B&W photography and oil paintings. ElevenTen Gallery, 1110 Fulton St. (betw. Claver Pl. & Franklin Ave.), B’klyn 718-857-5696; 6:30-9, free.

Glam Rock Fashion Mixer/Dance Party. Benefit for Kostume Kult, featuring the Infidels, DJs all night. Mannahatta, 316 Bowery (at Bleecker St.), no phone; 7-midnight. $5 donation, www.mannahatta.us.

POPulation: Music for the Masses. Plush headquarters for club kids. Element, 225 E. Houston St. (at Essex St.), 212-254-2200; 9pm-2am; $15, $10 (advance email guestlist@elementny.com).

John Doe. X-free and Knitters-less Doe in an intimate setting, showing off some new tunes off of A Year In The Wilderness. Living Room, 154 Ludlow St. (betw. Stanton & Rivington Sts.), 212-533-7235; 8, $10.

Trio Beyond. When guitarist John Scofield joins forces with fellow giants Jack DeJohnette (drums) and Larry Goldings (keys), you can rest assured that the music will be beyond fantastic. Maybe that’s how they got their name. Blue Note, 131 W. 3rd St. (at 6th Ave.), 212-475-8592; 8 & 10:30, $35.

Loser’s Lounge. How does it feel to be a loser? If you need a hint, tonight they pay tribute to Fleetwood Mac. Joe’s Pub, 425 Lafayette St. (betw. E. 4th St. & Astor Pl.), 212-539-8778; 7, $25.

Photo of Bloc Party

To get the Lil' Bush bandwagon a rollin', Comedy Central threw a party at Iced Media's studios (with lil' burgers, lil' cornichons, "freedom" shoestring fries and lil' Buds, juice boxes and rum). The best part was of course having Iggy Pop (voice of Lil' Rummy) on hand to read from the script. Punk is dead.

Soon after arriving at Don Hill’s in Greenwich Village and making my way through their intense ID check (they scan your ID and take your picture), I was hit by a barrage of Camels. Everywhere I looked, there was Camel—large cardboard posters and projections covered the walls of the interior. And then after less than a minute of being inside Don Hill’s, I was asked if I smoke. I would be asked the same question a few more times over than next hour or so, while waiting for the first band, Aderbats, to take the stage. The Camel advertisements surrounded me, and one was interestingly juxtaposed next to a “no smoking” sign. Multiple photographers walked around taking pictures of the Camel advertisements as though they were the main event and The Stills were just a side note to Camel. After a little reading, it seems as though this is a regular thing for Don Hill’s, and Camel is a regular part of their décor, which is otherwise pretty cool. With the Theater now renamed to the WAMU Theater and the multitude of corporate sponsorship elsewhere, it’s surprising that Don Hill’s hasn’t added Camel to their moniker.

Once Canadian rockers The Stills took the stage at midnight and the shattering guitars of debut album opener “Lola Stars and Stripes” began flowing through the speakers, it was all about them. There was little break if any between songs, keeping a high energy coming from the stage for the entirety of the set. The Stills were stellar, playing nearly all of the songs from their two albums, as well as at least two new ones (which were great). But as great as the band was, the crowd was totally lame. Surprisingly, the small venue was not at all crowded, and it seemed almost like it was an office party that the Stills happened to be playing at, rather than a Stills concert. One big dude in front of me kept turning to his buddy to tell him how much he liked a song, talking through the entire song. Hey big dude, if you like the song so much, then shut the hell up and enjoy it.


Photos courtesy of Jonny-Leather

Great Lake Swimmers. Rockin’ out, glockenspiel-style. Joe’s Pub, 425 Lafayette St. (betw. Astor Pl. & E. 4th St.), 212-967-7555; 11:30, $14.

Reading For Filth: Queer Writers Read About Queer Sex. Celebrate Gay Pride month and hear raunchy dirt hosted by scandalous performer/promoter/sex-blogger Dean Johnson with Mike Albo, Joey Arias, Hedda Lettuce. Rapture Café & Books, 200 Ave. A (betw. 12th & 13th Sts.), 212-228-1177; 8, free.

Constraints I, II, & III. By Nina Winthrop and Dancers. The Flea Theater, 41 White St. (betw. Broadway & Church Sts.), 212-352-310; June 6-10; Wed.-Sat. 7; Sun. 3, $12/$15.

St. Joan of the Stockyards. Director Lear deBessonet reinvents Brecht’s savage masterpiece with choreography, meat and country and blues, set in 1920s Chicago. P.S. 122, 150 1st Ave. (at E. 9th St.), 212-477-5288; previews thru 6/17, opens 6/18; 8, $15/$20.

The Stills, Aderbat, DJs VHS or BETA. They’re on Vice records, so, you know, expect a lot of big butt jokes. Don Hill’s, 511 Greenwich St. (at Spring St.), 212-219-2850; 7, $15.

Rufus Wainwright, Joan as Policewoman. OK, Rufus isn’t the most rock ’n’ roll name in the world, but it beats Louden Wainwright IV. Expect Joan to give you a nice opening to the whole orchestral shebang. Blender Theatre at Gramercy, 127 E. 23rd St. (betw. Lexington Ave. & Park Ave. S.), 212-777-6800; 7, $40.

Dinosaur Jr., Awesome Color. Dinosaur Jr.’s newest record doesn’t suck. No, seriously. The Fillmore NY at Irving Plaza, 17 Irving Pl. (at 15th St.), 212-777-6800; 8, $25.

Cyro Baptista. The Brazilian musician takes inspiration from Hermeto Paschoal, making music out of inner tubes, flip-flops, bicycle chains and doorbells. Joining him tonight is multi-stringer Kevin Breit. Expect the unexpected—and watch your back. Jazz Gallery, 290 Hudson St. (betw. Spring & Dominick Sts.), 212-242-1063; 7:30 & 9:30, $20.

GMT Express. Mixing Afro-Cuban beats, Brazilian grooves and American funk, making sure you forget that it still isn’t Friday. Cornelia Street Café, 29 Cornelia St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves. by W. 4th St.), 212-989-9319; 8:30, $10.

The Sea and Cake, Loney, Dear. Jazz-influenced rock, without all of that fusion crap. Sound Fix, 110 Bedford Ave., B’klyn, 718-388-8090; 7, free.

Photo of Great Lake Swimmers

The “mix tape” recalls an artifact from an analog time; an object used in high-school courtship rituals, the result of hours spent selecting just the right mix of eclectic, obscure and danceable tunes to prove you knew your shit. This is the combination of heady, youthful romance and competitive coolness that Mixtape Riot, “New York City’s monthly punk crunk throwdown” at Williamsburg's Studio B (239 Banker Street, Brooklyn), is bringing to you tonight. DJ O, Chuck Wild  and Utkarsh The INC will be on the decks. Live acts hailing from far and wide include Sasha Perera from the Berlin electronica duo Jahcoozi, Dandi Wind from Montreal and female MC Surreal, from Houston.

In case that doesn’t hold your attention, there will be more than just music to transport you back to your schoolyard days, including girls playing Double Dutch and B-boys (and girls). Other listed acts, such as “Freaks” and “Magic Tricks,” invite you to use your imagination. Get there early enough and you could win a pair of Nikes, gift bag or T-shirt. And this might be the last opportunity to recapture your lost youth for a while—after tonight, Mixtape Riot goes on hiatus until the fall (doors at 9, $10, all ages).
 
Photo courtesy of _J0nl_ on Flickr

A hair-bandish name like Wax Fang might make you think of Mötley Crüe or Def Leppard, but this Kentucky band lets loose with a hard-to-place sound that Spin.com says “alternates between punk-rock rage and thumping bass and vocal sensitivity akin to Cat Stevens or Jim Crocie.” Punk-rock and sensitive? That’s a hot claim, but how can potential fans decide for themselves? One method would be to stop by Wax Fang’s MySpace page and listen to a few tracks, but an even better way would be to see the band live at LES’ Mercury Lounge, where they’ll be sensitively punk-rocking out tonight, or tomorrow night at Union Pool in Williamsburg. (Sorry, three other boroughs, better hop on that train or ferry.)

The Mercury Lounge on Wednesday, June 6th at 9:30 p.m., $10.
Union Pool on Thursday, June 7th at 11 p.m., $7, 21+.

Rufus Wainwright, Lucy Wainwright Roche. One Louden short of a family reunion. Blender Theatre at Gramercy, 127 E. 23rd St. (betw. Lexington Ave. & Park Ave. S.), 212-777-6800; 7, $40.

Monterey Pop. 40th anniversary of 1968 groovy D.A. Pennebaker documentary. IFC Center, 323 6th Ave. (at W. 3rd St.), 212-924-7771; 7:30, $5-$15.

Romeo and Juliet. Shakespeare in the Park, The Delacorte Theater, Central Park (at 81st St.), 212-260-2400; 8 (tickets at 1pm), free.

Girls Who Like Boys Who Like Boys. Readings by Tom Dolby, Stacey Ballis, Philip Himberg, & Edwin John Wintle. KGB Bar, 85 E. 4th St. (betw. 2nd Ave. & Bowery), 212-769-6816; 7-9, free.

Kings of Leon, Snowden, The Features. The South has risen again. Roseland Ballroom, 239 W. 52nd St. (hbetw. 7t & 8th Aves.), 212-777-6800; 6:45, $27.

Maria Guida. Releasing her new CD, Soul Eyes. With that name, I thought she’d be a fado singer or something. But that would be stereotyping, right? Sweet Rhythm, 88 7th Ave. S. (betw. Bleecker & Grove Sts.), 212-255-3626; 8; $15.

Jenny Scheinman. The violinist and composer has recently taken up singing as well. They do like her in Chicago, by the way. Barbès, 376 9th St. (at 6th Ave.), B’klyn, 718-965-9177; 7; $10 donation.

Photo of Rufus Wainwright

Sebastian Junger. Macho hunk writer/journalist reads/signs. The Explorer’s Club, 46 E. 70th St. (betw. 5th & Madison Aves.), 212-628-8383; 6, $5-$20.

O’Debbie Awards Ceremony! The O’Debra Twins welcome Langhorne Slim, Trachtenberg Family Slideshow Players, Rev. Jen, Mike Amato and more. Bowery Poetry Club, 308 Bowery (betw. Houston & Bleecker), 212-612-0505; 10, $5.

Unlearn! Because Life Can Make You Stupid! Author Richard Woods, “better half” of advice columnists “Dick and Jane” disses monogamy and explains how to have more fun in marriage. Sexy Spirits, 301 W. 55th St. #4 (at 8th Ave.), 212-581-2640; 7:15, $10.

The Horrors, Schoolyard Heroes. Garage rock is spooooky. Luna Lounge, 361 Metropolitan Ave. (at Havemeyer St.), B’klyn, 718-384 7112; 7:30, $14.

The Fucking Champs, Birds of Avalon, Red Fang. If you held a title like that, you’d name your band after it, too. Mercury Lounge, 217 E. Houston St. (at Ave. A), 212-260-4700; 8, $12.

Jeff Lorber. The Philly keyboardist has broken barriers between R & B, funk and jazz in his recordings. Tonight he plays from his new disc, He Had A Hat. Be sure to wear one. Blue Note, 131 W. 3rd St. (at 6th Ave.), 212-475-8592; 8 & 10:30, $20.

Delta Dreambox. Music your great-grandmother probably sang to… the band specializes on material by the likes of Bessie Smith and Ma Rainey – you know the first-ever recorded blues artist? Barbès, 376 9th St. (at 6th Ave.), B’klyn, 718-965-9177; 8, $10 donation.

CSS, Yo Majesty. Rockin’ it, Web code-style. The Fillmore NY at Irving Plaza, 17 Irving Pl. (at 15th St.), 212-777-6800; 8, $20.

Martha Graham Dance Company. Excerpts from 1936 Chronicle. 12:30, intersection of Wall and Broad Sts., 212-219-9401; 12:30, free.

Avant-Garde-Arama: High Octane Ethyl. Justin Bond & Taylor Mac host mini-fest of dance, music, theater, video by various artists. P.S. 122, 150 1st Ave. (at E. 9th St.), 212-477-5288; Friday June 1 and Saturday June 2 at 8pm, $15, $10 members.

Bushwick Open Studios & Arts Festival. 200 artists, night of dance, theater, sex, & magic, community barbecue, film screenings. Bushwick Starr, 207 Starr St., B’klyn, no phone; 7-11, free. www.artsinbushwick.org.

Guggenheim First Fridays. With Nouvelle Vague. Guggenheim Museum, 1071 5th Ave. (at 89th St.), 212-423-3500; 9pm-1am, $25.

Calvin Johnson, Julie Doiron (ex-Eric’s Trip), Woods. Beat Happening’s Calvin Johnson vs. Dub Narcotic Sound System’s Calvin Johnson, winner takes all. Don Pedro’s, 90 Manhattan Ave., B’klyn, 718-218-6914; 8, tba.

Animal Collective, Danielson. Freak-folk, down by the river. South Street Seaport, Fulton & South Streets, Pier 17, 212-SEA-PORT; 7, free.

Bobby Hutcherson Quintet. One of the earliest vibraphonists in jazz, the L.A. native continues to bend the rules in the jazz world. Blue Note, 131 W. 3rd St. (at 6th Ave.), 212-475-8592; 8 & 10:30; $35.

Brand New, Anathallo, Colour Revolt. Might want to get around to changing that name, finally. Blender Theatre at Gramercy, 127 E. 23rd St. (betw. Lexington Ave. & Park Ave. S.), 212-777-6800; 6:30, $21/$24.

The Bravery, The Cinematics, The Photo Atlas. The whole retro new wave thing is cute, and then next thing you know, you’re opening for Depeche Mode. The Fillmore NY at Irving Plaza, 17 Irving Pl. (at 15th St.), 212-777-6800; 8, $20.

P.J. Merola’s Zeitgeist. Stimulate your thoughts and titillate your ears at premiere of multi-media, live solo percussion, electronic music, stereo video displays. Access Theater, 380 Broadway (at Walker St.), 4th floor, 212-966-1047; 8-9:30, free, reserve in advance online, limited seating. 5/29-6/3.

Sushi-Making Class. Uh, make sushi, and eat it, with singles, Mannahatta Lounge, 316 Bowery St. (at Bleecker), no phone, newyorkmoxie.eventbrite.com, 7:30-9:30, $45.

The National, Doveman. The new National record is called Boxer. We’re hoping it’s either a tribute to Paul Simon or George Foreman—preferably both. Honestly, we can’t take another Daniel Day-Lewis tribute album. Bowery Ballroom, 6 Delancey St. (betw. Bowery & Chrystie St.), 212-533-2111; 8, $18/$20.

Pamela Luss. Enjoy your Memorial Day hangover with this young vocalist’s pipes. Sweet Rhythm, 88 7th Ave. S. (betw. Bleecker & Grove Sts.), 212-255-3626; 8 & 9:30, $15.

Photo of Brand New

Last night we ventured to Queens to attend the final performance of Michael Helland's The Dress Up Show at The Chocolate Factory in Long Island City. It was the first of those balmy days that reminds you of what heat feels like in the concrete forest, and the Chocolate Factory, a warehouse space used by many a performing artist, was a welcome respite from the heat as Helland, dressed in white tights and taffeta, high heels -- like some sort of Abba soldier -- led us to the basement where women chose our wardrobe. Myself and my two friends went behind a curtain to begin changing into our bright crinoline skirts, leggings and scarves. We put our street clothes in a bag and then made our way past the makeup table to have our "glamor shots" made before walking upstairs, past the rest of the crowd waiting for their transformation.

The performance's most resonant moments occurred while we sat in folding chairs, were offered punch and watched as the others made their entrance to face us -- like a ramshackle Paris Opera House with bizarre attendees: men in sequin gowns, parents in leather masks, women in capes and hats. As we waited, three female dancers pranced around the space, as if they were warming up and we were participating in some sort of rehearsal. Once we were all seated, Michael took the stage, undressed down to his undies to the sound of the "Reading Rainbow" theme song, put on sneakers and a sweater (a la Mr. Rogers) and read a "story" which was a jumble of words and quasi-poetic phrases. He then took two dimmers in his hands and enacted a music video-esque sequence in front of colored lamps before writhing in a large swath of lavender taffeta (or was that tulle?), ripping off his clothes until he was eventually naked.  Yeah, the room was hot; we were all dressed in layers and as he divested himself of his clothing and lay on the cool concrete floor, and there was a palpable feeling of longing for the same.

Four other female dancers later spoke and performed, but by the end, when we were invited to more punch and to participate in a "dance party," it was those early moments of involving us in the performance by dressing us up that still resonated. Overall, Michael Helland's The Dress Up Show was a disjointed exploration of the senses by a young artist that felt a bit empty at moments. But we left feeling as if we had participated in something secret and special. The final act was a silent auction where we could bid on most of the clothing we or others were wearing. A friend snagged a black riding hat with pink feather and black netting. I still have my eyes set on that red crinoline skirt.

Bright Eyes, Gillian Welch. It’s not so much the eyes as those long, lovely eyelashes that we love. Town Hall, 123 W. 43rd St. (betw. 6th Ave. & B’way), 212-997-1003; 7:30, $33.50.

Taylor Mead. Octogenarian, actor & poet laureate of Andy Warhol’s Factory reads from his new book, Taylor Mead, a Simple Country Girl. Bowery Poetry Club, 308 Bowery (at Bleecker), 212-614-0505; 6:30-7, $6.

Songs For Ice Cream Trucks CD release party. New album by theremin player Michael Hearst of One Ring Zero, benefit for homeless New Yorkers with HIV & AIDS. Housing Works Used Book Cafe, 128 Crosby Street (betw. Prince & W. Houston Sts.), 212-334-3424; 7:30, $10 includes free beer & 5 Boroughs Ice Cream.

Jackie Beat in REHAB! Singing drag queen tries to quit addiction to the good things—booze, drugs, sex, food, gambling & shopping. The Cutting Room, 19 West 24th St. (betw. 5th & 6th), 212-352-3101; 5/25-5/27. Friday, May 26, 10; May 27 & 28, 8, $17.
 
Sage Francis with Band, Buck 65, Alias, Buddy Wakefield. The only hip-hop artist badass enough to collaborate with The Mountain Goats. Word. Bowery Ballroom, 6 Delancey St. (betw. Bowery & Chrystie St.), 212-533-2111; 8, $16/$18.

Mice Parade, Tom Brosseau, David K. Daniels. It’s really more of an organized infestation than a parade. Mercury Lounge, 217 E. Houston St. (at Ave. A), 212-260-4700; 8, $12.

Mia Riddle and her band. Time for sad songs on a Friday. Yay! Union Hall, 702 Union St. (at 5th Ave.), Park Slope, B’klyn, 718-638-4400; 8, $8.

Wynton Marsalis Septet. With his busy schedule with the jazz orchestra and all, this is a rare chance to hear the most famous of the Marsalis clan with a band. Rose Hall, 33 W. 60th St. (betw. B’way & Amsterdam Ave.), 11th Fl., 212-258-9800; 8, $30-$120.

Todd Sickafoose’s Blood Orange. The bassist relocated from L.A. a few years back, but neglected to consider a name change. Tea Lounge, 837 Union St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), B’klyn, 718-789-2762; 9 & 10:30, $5 suggested donation.


Photo of Bright Eyes

Les Breastfeeders, The Stalkers, The Size Queens. With a name like that, it doesn’t really matter what your band sounds like. Maxwell’s, 1039 Washington St. (at 11th St.), Hoboken, 201-653-1703; 8:30, $10.

The Rosebuds, The Ladybug Transistor, Bowerbirds. Rockin’ the last words of an eccentric millionaire newspaper tycoon. Bowery Ballroom, 6 Delancey St. (betw. Bowery & Chrystie St.), 212-533-2111; 8, $13/$15.

BMX Bandits, Pants Yell!, Yellow Fever, Metric Mile, Lispector. They’ve shared members with Teenage Fanclub, the Soup Dragons and a handful of other notable groups—hey, Scotland’s a small country. Europa, 104 Meserole Ave. (at Manhattan Ave.), B’klyn, 718-383-5723; 7, $15.

Oxford Collapse, Centipede D'Est. One critic said that their latest record, Remember the Night Parties, had a “palatable indifference,” but they totally didn’t care. Union Pool, 484 Union Ave. (at Meeker), B’klyn, 718-609-0484; 8, $8.

The Exit, TK Webb, Artranker Convoy. All I’m saying is that, if I opened for 311, I wouldn’t go around bragging about it. Union Pool, 484 Union Ave. (at Meeker), B’klyn, 718-609-0484; 8, tba.

Reuben Rogers Group. The local bassist releases his new CD, The Things I Am. Jazz Gallery, 290 Hudson St. (betw. Spring & Dominick Sts.), 212-242-1063; 9 & 10:30, $12.

Kwartet Akademos. All the way from Poland, these young classical musicians show us that their country has a lot more to offer than potato vodka and pirogues. Carnegie Hall, 154 W. 57th St. (at B’way), 212-247-7800; 7:30, $15.

Indie press writing panel. Robert Lasner and Elizabeth Clementson of Ig Publishing chat with novelist Evan J. Mandery (Dreaming of Gwen Stefani) & author & former dominatrix Kimberly Warner-Cohen (Sex, Blood and Rock ‘n’ Roll). Small Press Center, The General Society, 20 West 44th Street (5th & 6th Aves.), 212-764-7021; 6:30, free, reservations recommended. 

Von Sacher Masoch’s Venus in Furs. Cruelty, torture and love in mini videOpera by Yoav Gal with Heather Green and Greg Purnhagen, Ha-Yang Kim—solo cello works. HERE Arts Center, 145 6th Ave (betw. Spring & Broome Sts., enter on Dominick), 212-352-3101; 5/24 & 5/25 7, $15.

Burlesque, comedy and music. Drinks in the lounge with playboy bunny Colette Hawley and her musical sugar daddy Eli Bolin. Ars Nova, AV Lounge, 511 West 54th St. (at 10th Ave.), 212-868-4444; 8, 10, free.

Video 101: Touch Your Television. Make love to your TV while watching rarely seen pre-1979 videos, anarchist and participatory television, acid trip images, Einstein imagery & Portapaks, with guest author Douglas Davis. Anthology Film Archives, 32 Second Ave. (at 2nd St.), 212-505-5181; 8, $5-$8.

Photo of Les Breastfeeders

Joseph Arthur & The Lonely Astronauts, Stars of Track and Field. The only thing sadder than a lonely astronaut is multiple lonely astronauts. Bowery Ballroom, 6 Delancey St. (betw. Bowery & Chrystie St.), 212-533-2111; 8, $18/$20.

Handsome Furs, TK Webb. Is there anyone in Montreal that hasn’t been in Wolf Parade at some point? Mercury Lounge, 217 E. Houston St. (at Ave. A), 212-260-4700; 7:30, $13.

Post Records Showcase, Bryan McPherson, The Telethons, John Houx, Rachel Epp. Post Records vs. Anti-Folk in a cage match. Only one will survive. Sidewalk Café, 94 Ave. A (at 6th St.), 212-473-7373; 7:30, one drink min.

Niño Joselle Trio. Paco de Lucia’s protégé pays tribute to pianist Bill Evans tonight, bringing piano to flamenco strings. Wonder how that is going to work out. Village Vanguard, 178 7th Ave. S. (W. 11th St.), 212-255-4037; 9 & 11, $30 + $10 min.

The Quiet Party. Shshsh! Communicate and flirt via pens and paper in silent room—no talking, no cellphones. Madame X, 94 W. Houston St. (betw. Thompson St. & LaGuardia Pl.), 212-539-0808; 6:30-9:30, $10 + 2 drink min. www.quietparty.com

Rev. Jen’s Anti-Slam. Open mic hosted by sexy, adorable, elfin Reverend Jen, 6 mins. max. Mo Pitkin's, 34 Ave. A (betw. East 2nd & East 3rd Sts.), downstairs, 212- 777-5660; 9:30, $4.

Singles Night At The Firing Range. “Adventurous” singles experience the rush of firing a .22 caliber rifle, price includes instruction, ammo & prizes for best shot. West Side Pistol Range, 20 West 20th St. (betw 5th & 6th  Aves.), 800-239-0542; 6:45, $65.

Life in a Marital Institution. Two-timing winner of Moth’s GrandSLAM James Braly reveals bipolar tale of attraction, repulsion, death & afterlife—20 years of monogamy in one terrifying evening. Ars Nova, 511 West 54th St. (at 10th Ave.), 212-868-4444; 8, $15.

Bebel Gilberto. Do not call the Brazilian-bred vocalist “the daughter of bossa nova.” Her sound goes way beyond that, blending her native roots with European electronica, jazz and other influences, as heard on her latest disc, Momento. Blender Theatre at Gramercy, 127 E. 23rd St. (betw. Lexington Ave. & Park Ave. S.), 212-777-6800; 7:30, $ 25.

Best Show Ever. Lara Yaz & Alex Grubard present NYC’s best unknown comedians. Mo Pitkin’s, 34 Ave. A (betw. 2nd & 3rd Sts.), 212-777-5660; 7-9, free.

Passing Strange. A funky new musical about a black bohemian in search of himself, with a post-show discussion. Public Theater, 425 Lafayette (betw. Astor Pl. & E. 4th St.), 212-967-7555; 7, $25-$60.

Harold Night. The city’s top ensembles perform longform improv. Upright Citizens Brigade Theater, 307 W. 26th (8th Ave.), 212-366-9176; 8, $5.

Dan Bern. You’ve got to respect a guy who’s made a career singing about balls. Southpaw, 125 5th Ave. (betw. Sterling & St. John’s Pls.), B’klyn, 718-230-0236; 8, $16.

Damien Rice. Rumor has it that once Rice has released 10 albums, you’ll be able to call his house. Radio City Music Hall, 1260 6th Ave. (betw. 50th & 51st Sts.), 212-307-7171; 8, $39.50.

Smut. “Jewish Girls are Dirty,” get some kink in your hair with pervert/author of Circuit, T.C. Gardstein, comedian Emily Epstein & Mindy Raf as protest singer Lebyia Rogers. Galapagos Art Space, 70 N. 6th St. (betw. Kent & Wythe Sts.), B’klyn, 718 782-5188; 8, free.

Gray’s Anatomy. Steven Soderbergh & Kathleen Russo, Spalding Gray’s widow present a screening of Soderbergh’s doc. IFC Center, 323 6th Ave. (W. 3rd), 212-924-7771, 7:30, $TBA.

Everett Bradley’s Ev/olution. The singer, percussionist and playwright presents his one-man show that explores his life with voice & instruments. The Cutting Room, 19 W. 24th St. (betw. Broadway & 6th Ave.), 212-691-1900; 7:30, $15.

Wasted. Film fundraiser for Erin Buckley’s film about New York’s culture of drinking. Bowery Poetry Club, 308 Bowery (at Bleecker), 212-614-0505; 8-9:30, $6.

The Jesus And Mary Chain once got their asses kicked by Ice Cube’s band. Now that’s punk rock. Webster Hall, 125 E. 11th St. (betw. 3rd & 4th Aves.), 212-353-1600; 8, $45.

Nublu Orchestra. The LES room can barely contain an audience, so I have no idea how they are going to squeeze an orchestra in there. You can’t blame them for trying, though—this is avant-garde music at its best. Nublu, 62 Ave. C (betw. 4th and 5th Sts.), 212- 979-9925; 10 & midnight, $10.

Photo of Damien Rice

Laura Veirs. The singer-songwriter brings her folk-inflected music to town and she is ripe for discovery by a wider audience—that means you. Blender Theatre at Gramercy, 127 E. 23rd St. (betw. Lexington Ave. & Park Ave. S.), 212-777-6800; 7, $15.

Cooch Sexxy Circus Porno Dance Party. Benefit to aid victims in Darfur. dance all night long , three floors of porn stars, fetish models, gogo dancers, drag queens, trapeze artists, tarot readings. Lucky Cheng’s, 21 1st Ave. (betw. 1st & 2nd Sts.), no phone; 9 a.m., $10/$15, myspace.com/coochparty

A Taste of Harlem. Benefit for Abyssinian Development Corporation, sampling from local Harlem restaurants, such as Sylvia’s Restaurant, Lenox Lounge and Blue Smoke Restaurant, silent auction, DJ Hollywood, dancing. City College, Great Hall, 138th St. (at Convent Ave.), 646.442.6552; 7, $50/100.

In the Flesh Erotic Series. Sexy lit curated by erotic writer/editor, Rachel Kramer Bussel w/ writers Sarah Iverson, Jackie Kessler, Min Jin Lee, Samara O’Shea, Jerry Rodriguez and Dana Vachon w/ free candy and cupcakes. Happy Ending Lounge, 302 Broome St. (at Forsyth St.), 212-334-9676; 8, free.

!!!, Holy Fuck. They really ought to bill the show as Holy Fuck!!! Bowery Ballroom, 6 Delancey St. (betw. Bowery & Chrystie St.), 212-533-2111; 8, $16/$18.

Genghis Khan, Danava, The Coydogs. Taking a break from raping and pillaging. Glasslands, 289 Kent Ave. (at S. 2nd St.), B’klyn, 718-599-1450; 9, $tba.

Daniel Johnston, Bang On A Can All-Stars, The Legendary Stardust Cowboy. Gonna be a weird night. Highline Ballroom, 431 W. 16th St. (betw. 9th & 10th Aves.), 212-414-5994; 6, $21.50.

They Might Be Giants. They might be performing intimately. Joe’s Pub, 425 Lafayette St. (betw. Astor Pl. & E. 4th St.), 212-967-7555; 9:30, $30.

Southern Culture On The Skids, The Dansettes, Jule Brown. There are far less entertaining ways to get banana pudding in your hair. Mercury Lounge, 217 E. Houston St. (at Ave. A), 212-260-4700; 9:30, $15/$17.

The Spanish Harlem Orchestra. In the tradition of their Fania predecessors, the orchestra performs quality salsa made to be appreciated even by those of us who can’t dance. S.O.B.’s, 204 Varick St. (at W. Houston St.), 212-243-4940; 10, $20.

Arctic Monkeys, Be Your Own Pet. If I were to be my own pet, I think I would be an arctic monkey. Then I’d be a teenage rock star millionaire. Hammerstein Ballroom, 311 W. 34th St. (at 8th Ave.), 212-307-7171; 6:30, $30.

Spank Rock, Ghostface, Roxy Cottontail, DJ Nick Catchdubs. Get slapped on the ass at the hip-hop show of the week. Highline Ballroom, 431 W. 16th St. (betw. 9th & 10th Aves.), 212-414-5994; 7, $30.

TigerCity, Sam Champion, Stylofone, The Affair. Comparisons to Talking Heads, Prince and The Police. Sounds pretty sweet to us. Bowery Ballroom, 6 Delancey St. (betw. Bowery & Chrystie St.), 212-533-2111; 7, $13.

José Conde Y Ola Fresca. Latin groove with a funky edge as you work your way into next weekend. Oh, and it’s also a CD release party. Joe’s Pub, 425 Lafayette St. (betw. E. 4th St. & Astor Pl.), 212-539-8778; 9:30, $ 15.

Dance lessons & live salsa. Merengue bands and DJ Bachata, plus Vallenato in main room, house and classics downstairs. The Copacabana, 560 West 34 St. (at 11th Ave.), 212-239-COPA, ext. 2672; 6 p.m.-8, free (w/ buffet).

Printed Matter benefit. With John Waters, Terence Koh, performances by Flaming Fire and Peaches, after-party, cocktails and sushi by Matsuri. Hiro Ballroom at The Maritime Hotel, 371 W. 16th St. (at 9th Ave.), 212-925-0325; 7:30-11, $15-$150.

South Street Seaport Museum’s Schooner Pioneer Volunteer Recruitment Drive. Learn how to sail on traditionally rigged 1885 schooner. South Street Seaport Museum, 207 Front St. (at Beekman St.), 212-748-8684; 6:30-8:30, free.

Photo of the Arctic Monkeys

Say you had a sudden impulse to throw away $10K, how would you choose to do it? Would you rather treat your friends to a hip and gourmet dinner, lounge around hotels with celebrities or attend a benefit for a non-profit organization? How about doing all three and maybe saving that $10K? Printed Matter, the world’s greatest resource for artists’ publications, these deluxe artifacts that are equal parts art and books, is throwing its spring benefit tonight at the Hiro Ballroom.

Your host for the evening, gross-out enfant terrible, John Waters, is going to kick-start the festivities at the VIP reception, welcoming all of you fabulously generous mesdames et monsieurs with his characteristically eerie grin. As you savor the authentic Japanese delicacies of Matsuri lend your ears to the gender-bender sounds of DJs MEN, a female duo of the once riot grrrl group Le Tigre. The artist formerly known as asianpunkboy, Terence Koh, will top the VIP party with a unique performance of ritualistic lavish.

Yet, for those of you "on the cheap" who can’t afford to play patron of the arts, there are more inexpensive tickets ($15) granting you access to the after-party with performances by uber-anarchosex femme, Peaches and the mystifyingly uncontrollable Flaming Fire: The latter usually invade the stage clad in red tunics, with the exception of lead singer Patrick Hambrecht and his dazzling velvety suit, and sporting all sorts of accessories that will send you back to the glory days of glam-hair metal. Uninhibited and theatrical, their music and lyrics celebrate a raw kind of hedonism that will have your date licking you in all the right places. Just beware of John Waters when they sing the all-time fave “I love the way you kill me/It’s so hot, hot, hot,” lest he fixates on you as his next victim.

Maya Azucena. The Brooklyn-born singer celebrates her new self-released disc. Find out what Roberta Flack, who she sang with last year, already knows. Blue Note, 131 W 3rd St (at 6th Ave.), 212-475-8592; 8 & 10:30, $10.

Fischerspooner Dancers Casting Call. Professional male and female dancers needed for cool neo-electric band (bring resume and head-shot). The Performing Garage, 33 Wooster St. (at Grand St.), 347-901-6513; 10 a.m.-5 p.m.

Fucking Different: Mix NYC Lesbian & Gay Experimental Film Festival. Seven Berlin lesbian filmmakers and seven queer filmmakers make short flicks about lesbo sex and desire. Collective Unconscious, 279 Church St. (at White St.), 212-570-0090; 7:30, $5.

Thick As Thieves. Reading by Steve Geng from his memoir recounting alcoholism, heroin-addiction, criminal escapades, incarceration in Rikers Island, obsession with his sister and other amusing hobbies. The Half King, 505 W. 23rd St. (betw. 10th & 11th Aves.), 212-462-4300; 7, free.

Pharaoh’s Daughter. Hookah-smoking, belly-dancing, pyramid-scaling, modern mystical music from the Middle East. Kind of. Highline Ballroom, 431 W. 16th St. (betw. 9th & 10th Aves.), 212-414-5994; 6, $25.

Mando Diao, Pop Levi, The Films. Check out Mando’s website and click on the tab that says “full of himself.” Bowery Ballroom, 6 Delancey St. (betw. Bowery & Chrystie St.), 212-533-2111; 7:30, $15.

The Lisps, Salt & Samovar, The Shivers. Speech impediments, sodium chloride and Russian teapots and chills. With the Double Dutch Dance Troup performing in between them. Luna Lounge, 361 Metropolitan Ave. (at Havemeyer St.), B’klyn, 718-384 7112; 7:30, $8.

Photo of Maya Azucena

I’ve seen Illinois live four times in the past year. The few times it was more or less by accident—the band has the fortunate habit of showing up on bills alongside other amazing bands (see: the upcoming tour with The Hold Steady later this month for more information). I’ve since learned to embrace them—an appearance alongside any band on the fence about going to see, the Buck County, PA band is sure to put me over the edge.

My fourth Illinois show was a unique phenomenon. The previous three shows had all been at The Mercury Lounge, a respectably-sized venue, but in all honesty, in terms of maximum occupancy, not too far removed from what has to be the band’s natural habitat: the house show, churning through a raucous set, in return for warm beer and the contents of the tip jar.

During Friday night's show, Illinois was a band on the fence. The folk/bluesy/hip-hop/indie band certainly has enough charm to fill up Irving Plaza (oh, I'm sorry, the Fillmore at Irving Plaza)—they just haven’t managed to find a way to tap into it. The band has the unquestionable ability to pen a first-rate, banjo-driven pop ditty, and the gadgets and antics with which to pull it off, but unfortunately for them, for the time being, the group’s scrappiness wasn’t enough to endear them to a crowd full of kids eagerly awaiting the headliners.

The Kooks, on the other hand, exist on the other end of the spectrum, as if they burst from the womb, ready to rock it arena-style, alongside venues full of kids sporting pumping fists and an encyclopedic knowledge of every song the band ever-penned. Throw in some ridiculously catchy Brit-pop hooks, a pair of circulation-prohibiting jeans,and some Beatles boots, and the entire staff of NME has to go home again at lunchtime to pick up a clean pair of pants.

Photo courtesy of +1 Music.

Sunday nights at the Upright Citizen’s Brigade Theatre, comedy fans can pay $8 to catch the 7:30 ASSSSCAT 3000 show, or wait in line for a chance to get a free ticket to the 9:30 show. Last night some friends and I chose the latter. After about an hour’s wait, we were rewarded for our cheapness and patience with four complimentary tickets to the late show, which featured Saturday Night Live’s Amy Poehler, Horatio Sands and Seth Meyers. Other comedians associated with Conan O’Brien and The Office rounded out the cast, entertaining the receptive audience of mostly young hipsters with nearly two hours of long-form improv.

Rashida Jones, Office employee and daughter of Quincy, was on hand to tell stories that would serve as the springboards for the sketches. Jones somehow wove the words “fetus” and “pearls”—the audience’s suggestions—into personal anecdotes of being an over-achieving, drunk choir girl who later went on to hire the under-achieving Nicole Richie as her first personal assistant. The ensuing skits involved lesbian condors, a dentist offering abortions, Howie Mandel and, well, a bunch of other stuff that you had to be there to get.

Friday night The Gourds brought a little of their Lone Star-inspired lyrics and licks to the Bowery Ballroom. Playing their signature blend of bluegrass and deep-fried roots rock, the Austin quintet kept the somewhat smallish crowd dancing and singing along until well past midnight. Backwards baseball cap-wearing frat boys slammed beers while chubby lesbians groped each other and middle-aged couples grinded out of sync—everyone was having a good time and getting sloppy. Especially the band.

Jimmy Smith took a little tumble about halfway through the set—intentionally it looked like—as big-bearded Kev Russell held propositioning front-row groupies at bay. Oh, the life of the traveling musician—drink beer all day, play songs for a couple hours (and some of the most well-written songs in America in The Gourds case), and then sleep with strange, adoring fans. Wake up, repeat.

The Gourds, Sim Redmond Band, Kelly McRae. The Gourds’ hyper-literate honkytonk Americana grows on you like muscadine vines on an old elm tree. Except they don’t choke you to death. And they don’t produce muscadines. Bowery Ballroom, 6 Delancey St. (betw. Bowery & Chrystie St.), 212-533-2111; 7:30, $15.

Jackie Factories’ Night of a Thousand Stevies 17. Dress like Stevie, wear white-winged doves, shawls, tambourines; producers Chi Chi Valenti, Hattie Hathaway, Johnny Dynell. Hiro Ballroom at the Maritime Hotel, 371 W. 16th St. (at 9th Ave.), 212-925-0325; 9 p.m.-4 a.m., $25.

Center Broadsides Reading Series. Poets Scott Hightower and Brenda Connor-Bey. The Center for Book Arts , 28 W. 27th St., 3rd Floor, (betw. B’way & 6th Ave.), 212-481-0295; 6:30, $5/$10 donation.

Eyewash: Foundations of Style. Forward Motion Theater presents live performance and digital media w/ FeedBuck, David Linton, Vanessa & Ray Velasquez, Synthesthete, music by DJ ActivePhaze. Monkeytown, 58 N. 3rd St. (betw. Kent & Wythe Sts.), B’klyn, 718-384-1369; 7:30 & 10, $5-$10.

The Giraffes, Bling Kong, Band of Thieves, Nico Stai. The Giraffes may be exotic and have those long necks and funny spots, but Bling Kong has a troop of cute cheerleaders. With pom-poms and uniforms, for real. Mercury Lounge, 217 E. Houston St. (at Ave. A), 212-260-4700; 9:30, $10.

Garifuna Soul. The Garifunas are descendants of former slaves who were shipwrecked near the island of St. Vincent during the 17th century and ultimately mixed with the local indigenous tribes. Honduran-born Aurelio Martinez gives us a taste of their unique language & culture. Americas Society, 680 Park Ave. (at 68th St.), 212-277-8342; 7, free (registration required).

The Many Moods Of Miles Davis. We heard that the late trumpeter had quite a temper … but, ah, the music was great, as this double-header tribute with the Ryan Kisor Quintet and Terence Blanchard’s group will prove to you. Rose Hall, 33 W. 60th St. (betw. B’way & Amsterdam Ave.), 11th Fl., 212-258-9800; 8, $37.50 - $127.50.

Air, TV on the Radio. Acoustic TVOTR opening for Air in a large theater. Great idea, wrong venue. But beggars can’t be choosers. The Theater at Madison Square Garden, 4 Pennsylvania Plaza, 212-307-7171; 8, $46.

Tiny Theater. Some like 'em small: Dance theater puppet installation, 12 original performances in less than 10 minutes in 6' x 6' x 6' area. The Brick Theater, 575 Metropolitan Ave. (betw. Union Ave. & Lorimer Sts.), B’klyn, 212-352-3101; Thurs.-Fri.; Sat. 4, $10-$15.

Ho-down at Kerry’s Bye Bye Booby Party. Say “bye-bye” and “ta-ta” to man’s two best friends: plastic surgery/queer dance party fundraiser, DJ Sparber. Galapagos Art Space, 70 N. 6th St. (betw. Kent & Wythe Sts.), B’klyn, 718-782-5188; 10-1, “sliding door” fee.

In the Year of the Pig. Emile de Antonio’s doc against the U.S. involvement in Vietnam. Anthology Film Archives, 32 2nd Ave. (at 2nd Ave.), 212-505-5181; 7, $5/$8.

Albert Hammond, Jr., High Class Elite. The Stroke himself will play for free to the, well, high-class elite—or at least those who were elite enough to get the e-vite and RSVP in time. Hiro Ballroom at the Maritime Hotel, 363 W. 16th St. (at 9th Ave.), 212-242-4300; 8, free.

Girlyman. CD release party for The Joyful Sign. Their sound is as cute and sparkly as their name. Highline Ballroom, 431 W. 16th St. (betw. 9th & 10th Aves.), 212-414-5994; 6, $20.

Cornelius, Holy Fuck. Japanese pop musician Keigo Oyamada calls himself Cornelius after Planet of the Apes.  Holy Fuck says they like to “make people freak out and smash stuff.” You won’t be bored. Webster Hall, 125 E. 11th St. (betw. 3rd & 4th Aves.), 212-353-1600; 7, $25.

Four Generations Of Asian Composers. Cambodian-born composer Chinary Ung is 65 so, what else to do? Some of his friends are getting together to play some music in his honor. Asia Society, 725 Park Ave. (at 70th St.), 212-545-7536; 8; $ 20.

Mark Sherman Quintet. Releasing his new CD, Family First, for all of you jazz vibes fans. Sweet Rhythm, 88 7th Ave. South (at Bleecker), 212-255-3626; 8 & 10, $15 (+ $10 min).

If you haven't heard by now, Mayor Bloomberg's office denied the parade permit submitted by Heritage of Pride, the non-profit group that organizes the annual Pride events in the city, to move the parade from Greenwich Village to 8th Avenue in Chelsea.

In a press release issued by Heritage of Pride, "HOP had received the unanimous approval of Community Board 4 to move the event to Chelsea’s 8th Avenue between 14th and 23rd Streets. PRIDEfest has most recently been held in the West Village on Washington and Greenwich Streets, a venue that has major safety issues due to the narrowness of the street, potholes, and other logistical problems. The area also offers few amenities to the hundreds of thousands of LGBT residents and international tourists who attend this annual Pride event.  After serious consideration, HOP determined to move both the location and date of PRIDEfest."

So, although Chelsea said, bring it on, we want all that pink money, the city decided, hell's no, you won't go. Could it be that the 8th Avenue location is too close to Penn Station and all those unsuspecting tourists? It's OK to stay down in the winding streets of the former gay ghetto but don't flaunt it out in the open?

On May 8, a meeting was held at the LGBT Center to determine the future of PRIDEfest and, according to the latest news: "The General Membership of HOP has approved a motion brought forward by its PRIDEfest committee to cancel the event if the city does not grant it a permit for its new date and location." [emphasis added].

Could this spell the end of one of the largest events in the city (that's been around for nearly 40 years since the Stonewall riots) and that, more importantly in the current consumer climate of NYC, attracts millions of shirtless big spenders? We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds.

Photo courtesy of Perge Modo.

The Magic Numbers, All Smiles. Bubblegum pop asks schoolhouse rock the question, and the answer is “3 is the magic number.” Hiro Ballroom at the Maritime Hotel, 363 W. 16th St. (at 9th Ave.), 212-242-4300; 7, $25.

Bowery Women: Poems. Downtown poetesses Martha Rhodes, Maggie Dubris, Cynthia Kraman, Cheryl Boyce Taylor, Janet Hamill, reading from new anthology edited by Bob Holman and Marjorie Tesser. McNally Robinson Bookstore, 52 Prince St. (betw. Lafayette & Mulberry Sts.), 212-274-1160; 7, free.

Masterworks of Six Centuries Upper East Side Gallery Art Walk. Stroll through art “time machine” spanning 15th to 20th centuries, party hop six NY art galleries in three-block radius. Richard L. Feigen & Co., 34 E. 69th St, 212-628-0700; Lawrence Steigrad Fine Arts, 23 E. 69th St., 212-517-3643; David Tunick Inc., 19 E. 66th St., 212-570-0090; Zwirner & Wirth, 32 E. 69th St., 212-517-8677; Didier Aaron Inc., 32 E. 67th St., 212-988- 5248; Dickinson Roundell Inc., 19 E. 66th St., 212-772-805-8:30, free. Exhibits on view through June 15th.

Matt Mays & El Torpedo, Deadstring Brothers, Burden Brothers. In the contest for who was born with the more melancholic name, which set of brothers would win? Mercury Lounge, 217 E. Houston St. (at Ave. A), 212-260-4700; 8:30, $10.

Arcade Fire, The National. We thought that even though this show is already sold out, we should mention it because Arcade Fire hasn’t been getting much press lately. Radio City Music Hall, 1260 6th Ave. (betw. 50th & 51st Sts.), 212-307-7171; 7, $SP (scalper’s prices).

Martirio. The Spanish-born Flamenco singer has added a whole new flavor to her music in her latest disc, Primavera en New York (Spring in New York). Find out for yourself tonight, and figure out what she has seen here that you’ve been missing all along. Joe's Pub, 425 Lafayette St. (betw. E. 4th St. & Astor Pl.), 212-539-8778; 7, $ 30.

Photo of The Magic Numbers

Alice Smith. It’s just a matter of time before she pulls a Winehouse on us. Mercury Lounge, 217 E. Houston St. (at Ave. A), 212-260-4700; 7, $12.

8 Minute Dating. Meet eight single “professionals.” Slate, 54 W. 21st St. (betw. 5th & 6th Aves.), 212-989-0096; 7:30-9:30, $40.

Devious Delights mid-week “Play Group.” Celebrate spring by swapping partners. Email to reserve at party@DDeviousDelights.com, no phone; 7, $50 per couple (includes wine and beer, light food and soft beverages), free for single females.

Ron Carter Nonet, Aaron Goldberg Tri0. Celebrating the legendary bassist’s 70th birthday! Merkin Concert Hall, Kaufman Center, 129 W. 67th St. (betw. B’way & Amsterdam Ave.), 212-501-3340; 8, $40.

Elio Villafranca Trio. Since leaving Cuba 12 years ago, he has made a name through his own musical combinations played in a jazz format. Jazz Standard, 116 E. 27th St. (betw. Park & Lexington Aves.), 212-576-2232; 7:30 & 9:30, $15.

Photo of Alice Smith

Friday night, I arrived late to Luna Lounge and missed nearly all of J.Dimenna’s opening set. The 2.5 songs I did hear were quite impressive, especially the use of a drifting steel guitar.

Secondly came The Silent League, whose sound strongly resembled the elegant psychedelic nature of the great Mercury Rev. This comes to no surprise to anyone familiar with the band, as lead singer Justin Russo played keyboards for Mercury Rev at one point. That being said, the band created enough of their own magic on the stage of Luna Lounge to make a fan out of any casual listener that was in the audience.

NYC music scene veterans Hopewell followed The Silent League, with another Russo front and center. Brother of The Silent League’s Justin, Jason Russo led his band to the type of captivating performance that Hopewell has become known for. Taking cues from Mercury Rev, whom he also spent some time with, Russo displayed that he has learned exactly how to transform a space with an expansive sound. Much of Hopewell’s set focused on songs from upcoming release, Beautiful Targets, which promises to be a treasure.

La Laque brought close to the night with a mesmerizing set. As a first time listener, I was totally wowed by the group’s combination of moody organ, drifting mod/surf guitars, and singer Devery’s breathy French vocals. The eerily beautiful music comes across as Jane Birkin lending her most seductive vocals to a David Lynch soundtrack. Oddly enough the band, despite its French moniker and vocals, is not actually French, and is Brooklyn-based, so catching another one of their performances shouldn’t be that challenging.

Click here to see more pictures from the night.

Photos courtesy of Jonny-Leather

Point Break LIVE! Absurdist stage adaptation of the 1992 Keanu Reeves/Patrick Swayze extreme-sports film; a Keanu will be selected at random from the audience (show run extended). Milagro Theater (CSV Cultural Center), 107 Suffolk St. (betw. Rivington & Delancey Sts.), 212-352-3101; Fri. 8, Sat. 7 & 10:30, $20 (includes beer).

Chemistry. Sensual loft party featuring Tantric massage, DJ Dragon, premiere of Porno Jim’s Douggie Style. BYOB, hors d’oeuvres, Grand Space. Brooklyn, no phone, thelist@chemistry-nyc.com; 10 p.m.-4 a.m.

Pepperspray. Red Hot Chili Pepper cover band. Connolly's Pub, 121 West 45th St. (at 6th Ave.), 212-597-5126; 10, $10.

Zikrayat: Live at Lotus. All-acoustic performance ensemble featuring music and dance of Egypt and the Arab world. Galapagos, 70 N. 6th St. (betw. Kent & Wythe Aves.), B’klyn, 718-384-4586; 7:30, $17.

Langhorne Slim, Marcelles Hall & The Headliners, Paleface, Just About to Burn. His backing band is called The War Eagles. Yet another reason why it’s a bad idea to screw with Langhorne Slim. Union Pool, 484 Union Ave. (at Meeker), B’klyn, 718-609-0484; 8, $tba.

La Laque, Hopewell, The Silent League, J Dimenna. You don’t understand French? No problem, just wear a beret and practice your condescending sneers. Luna Lounge, 361 Metropolitan Ave. (at Havemeyer St.), B’klyn, 718-384 7112; 7:30, $5. 

The Mother Hips, Backyard Tire Fire, Hymns. The post-menopausal Hips are miraculously still giving birth to litters of sway-worthy California psychedelic tunes. Mercury Lounge, 217 E. Houston St. (at Ave. A), 212-260-4700; 8:30, $15. 

Cassandra Wilson. Wilson usually plays Carnegie Hall, so this is a rare opportunity to catch the deep-voiced singer in a much more intimate setting. Blue Note, 131 W. 3rd St. (at 6th Ave.), 212-475-8592; 8 & 11:30, $55.

Machetero. Controversial film dramatizing Puerto Rican independence, soundtrack by Puerto Rican punk band RICANSTRUCTION. Julia de Burgos Theater, 2nd floor, Latino Cultural Center, 1680 Lexington Ave. (betw. 105th & 106th Sts.), no phone, info@barriocinema.com; 7, $7.

4 Artists + 4 Bands = Art + Music. Chill to floating planets and nervous cabaret, Shannon MacGregor, Morgan Sheasby (of The 62), George Spencer, Jenny Walty, Smyer, Man In Gray, Nervous Cabaret, Up The Empire. Luna Lounge, 361 Metropolitan Ave. (at Havemeyer St.), B’klyn, 718-384-7112; 6-8, $6 after 8.

Spring party at Moroccan restaurant. Music and DJ’s. Katra Lounge, 217 Bowery (at Rivington St.), 212-473-3113; open bar 10-11, free.

Trans Am, Zombi, Psychic Paramount. Sure an album with a title like Sex Change would be a turning point for any band. Studio B, 259 Banker St. (betw. Calyer St. & Meserole Ave.), B’klyn, 718-389-1880; 8, $10.

Tracy Bonham, Annette Strean, Kirk Cornelius, Dewanatron. Yep, that Tracy Bonham. Yep, that Union Hall. Yep, bocce ball. Union Hall, 702 Union St. (at 5th Ave.), Park Slope, B’klyn, 718-638-4400; 8, $12.

Ballin’ The Jack. Reinterpreting the music of … The Marx Brothers! Barbès, 376 9th St. (at 6th Ave.), B’klyn, 718-965-9177; 8, $10.

John Pizzarelli. Celebrating the jazz legacy of Hoboken with his latest disc, Dear Mr. Sinatra. Café Carlyle, 35 E. 76th St. (at Madison Ave.), 212-744-1600; 8:45, $75.

Photo of Up The Empire

Quantum physics with author Brian Greene. Teeny particles, how time works, how to go back to the future to kill Hitler. Kaufmann Concert Hall, The 92nd St. Y, Lexington Ave. (at 92nd St.), 212-415-5500; 8, $25.

The Be Film Underground Film Festival. The best national and international short films in animation, documentary, experimental and narrative. The Bryant Park Hotel Screening Room, 40 W. 40th St. (betw. 5th & 6th Aves.) or Park Avenue Screening Room, 500 Park Ave. (at 59th St.), no phone; Wed.-Sat. 7-9, $10, $75 (pass to all screenings), www.befilm.net.

The Cribs, White Rabbits, The Jealous Girlfriends. You know that show where the rappers show off their mansions? Yeah, this British band is kind of like that. Mercury Lounge, 217 E. Houston St. (at Ave. A), 212-260-4700; 10, $15.

Bjork. Not a pixie, but she plays one on—OK, she is actually a pixie. Radio City Music Hall, 1260 6th Ave. (betw. 50th & 51st Sts.), 212-307-7171; 8, $61.

Peter Bjorn and John, Fujiya & Miyagi, Au Revoir Simone. I think we have our music lineup for the first-annual first names convention. Webster Hall, 125 E. 11th St. (betw. 3rd & 4th Aves.), 212-353-1600; 8, $20.

Paul Shapiro’s Ribs And Brisket Revue. Not really—it’s a celebration of Jewish-inspired jazz. There’s some music about bagels, too! Cornelia Street Café, 29 Cornelia St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves. by W. 4th St.), 212-989-9319; 8:30, $10.

Dave Scott Jazz Ensemble. He’s a TV weatherman in San Diego (no, really), visiting us to release new album, In A Fog. Barbès, 376 9th St. (at 6th Ave.), B’klyn, 718-965-9177; 10, $10.

Peter & The Wolf, Artanker Convoy, Heavy Creatures. Finally a good band from Liverpool. Union Hall, 702 Union St. (at 5th Ave.), Park Slope, B’klyn, 718-638-4400; 8, $8.

Peter Bjorn and John, Fujiya & Miyagi, Au Revoir Simone. We call this one the first-name bill. Webster Hall, 125 E. 11th St. (betw. 3rd & 4th Aves.), 212-353-1600; 8, $20.

Jan “Birdman” Wroblewski. When this tenor saxophonist started out, jazz was considered “subversive” in his native Poland. Good thing he didn’t care, as he went on to become one of the country’s most prominent players and songwriters, and still going strong at 71. Birdland, 315 W. 44th St. (betw. 8th & 9th Aves.), 212-581-3080; 7, $25.

Armed Madhouse: From Baghdad to New Orleans. Greg Palast discusses his book about “Sordid Secrets and Strange Tales of a White House Gone Wild” w/ Robert Kennedy Jr. and Randi Rhodes. Community Church of New York, 40 E. 35th St. (betw. Park & Madison Aves.), no phone; 7, $15-$25.

Sex Worker Visions II. Party and launch of Spread magazine’s “Money Issue,” featuring art exhibit by Annie Sprinkle, Zak Smith, Genevive Zacconi and Vena Virago, plus hand-decorated dildos sent in by sex workers across the U.S. & Canada. Arena Studios, 407 Broome St., Suite 7A (betw. Lafayette & Centre Sts.), no phone; 6-9, free.

Comic Book Club. Three guys talking about comics, what could be geekier? PIT, 154 W. 29th St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), 212-563-7488; 8, $5.

Photo of Peter & The Wolf

Attended the premiere of The Cake Eaters, Mary Stuart Masterson's directorial debut at Clearview Chelsea Cinemas this evening. It's a competent film about dysfunctional families with a flair for the inspirational -- yeah, pretty typical for indie fare these days. As everyone kept repeating, "the acting is excellent," and that's true despite some directorial and writing faults. Everyone's feeling a bit of the disorganization of Tribeca this year, Rubinstein (the hired hands) don't quite know what's going on, the TFF staff are just as clueless and aren't communicating with the individual publicists. So it's a big mess no matter what is happening (which was also apparent in an attempt to attend the Passio screening at St. John the Divine which ended in no answers or tickets).

After Cake,  I met up with some friends to attend the premiere party at the Star Lounge in the Chelsea Hotel's basement. The party was a total bust: no real star power, lots of hangers-on (didn't realize that large, obnoxious floral prints was the choice of both the scenesters as well as the out of towners). We gorged on some of the cupcakes (get it? cake eaters?), tried to talk to Mary Stuart but were blocked by the over-protective publicist and, then, left.

I took off to the Ricki Lake's premiere party for her film about her natural birth, The Business of Being Born taking place at Miracle Bar & Grill. Much different crowd (older, lesbian and all looking like they were on some Atkins or other trend diet with pinched faces and pleading loins) but they had better drinks (blood orange something or others). But we passed right by Ricki, she's so skinny. No, really. I heard her telling another reporter that she's on some diet (not to be disclosed since she's paying full price for the products and doesn't want to give them press) and is super thin. In her own words, "I haven't been this skinny since I was 12!" And this woman had a baby? She looks all of 24, younger than when she had her own talk show. Also, when questioned if she missed the talk show circuit, she said she'd be making a guest appearance on "The View" this Tuesday, May 1, now that Rosie called it quits. If they think they're replacing one big girl for another, they have seen the new and improved Ricki.

After taking advantage of all the Zone diet options as apps (and some tasty blood orange-vodka cocktails), it was time to call it quits. I mean, one Sunday full of Tribeca goodness is enough, right?

Spock’s Beard. There’s just no way to make fun of a band called Spock’s Beard that they haven’t already thought of themselves. B.B. King Blues Club & Grill, 237 W. 42nd St. (betw. 7th & 8th Aves.), 212-997-4144; 8, $30/$35.

Steve Wilson’s Generations. The alto and soprano saxophonist shows us why he’s favored by Diane Reeves, Don Byron and Herbie Hancock. But I mean, who isn’t these days, right? Jazz Standard, 116 E. 27th St. (betw. Park & Lexington Aves.), 212-576-2232; 7:30, 9:30 & 11:30, $ 30.

Shakers N’ Bakers. The group mixes things up (get it?), blending Ornette Coleman with Led Zeppelin—doesn’t sound like it could work, but somehow it does. Tea Lounge, 837 Union St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), B’klyn, 718-789-2762; 9 & 10:30, $5 donation.

Nellie McKay. Is it just us or is this girl really that much fun? Zankel Hall at Carnegie Hall, 881 7th Ave. (at W. 57th St.), 212-247-7800; 8:30, $38-$43.

Deva. Female-fronted Devo cover band and mutant clone keyboardist Booji Boy cavort amid bubbles and confetti. Luna Lounge, 361 Metropolitan Avenue (betw. Havemeyer & Withers Sts.), B’kln, no phone; 9:30, $7.

National Dance Week. Dancers from Ailvin Ailey School, HunterDance Theater, Joffrey Ballet School, Momentum Dance Company, Studio Maestro. Cooper Union, 7 E. 7th St. (), no phone; 6:30-7:30, free, RSVP tasha@tendumagazine.com.

Fuckplays. The final night to experience Working Man’s Clothes its small play festival. Galapagos Art Space, 70 N. 6th St. (betw. Kent & Wythe Aves.), 718-782-5188; 7:30, $10.

Acid Mother’s Temple, Mammatus, Alasehoutek. This ain’t your mamma’s heavy Japanese psychedelic collective. Knitting Factory, 74 Leonard St. (betw. B’way & Church St.), 212-219-3132; 8, $13/$15.

Sean McCaul, animal nudity, Top Down. Let’s just hope PETA doesn’t find out about this—exploiting the poor, naked creatures without even giving them top billing. Club Midway, 25 Avenue B (betw. 2nd & 3rd Sts.), 212-253-2595; 8, $5

Constantines, Tim Fite. Sometimes play Neil Young cover shows under the name Horsey Craze. I’m pretty sure Young has killed men for less. Luna Lounge, 361 Metropolitan Ave. (at Havemeyer St.), B’klyn, 866-468-7619; 7:30, $12.

The Hold Steady, The Thermals. OK, maybe the tuition is worth it, after all. NYU, Kimmel Center, Eisner & Lubin Auditorium, 60 Washington Sq. S., 212-998-4987; 7:30, $5/$7.

Lightning Bolt, xBxRx, Aa, High Places. I hear that you’re not allowed to graduate from the Rhode Island School of Design until you’ve formed, like, three noise-rock bands. Studio B, 259 Banker St. (betw. Calyer St. & Meserole Ave.), B’klyn, 718-389-1880; 8, $10.

Elsa Higby. The local vocalist sings music by Argentinean composer Astor Piazzola, sharing the stage with three poets, who will read from their latest collections. Think of it as a double bill. Cornelia Street Café, 29 Cornelia St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves. by W. 4th St.), 212-989-9319; 6, $ 6.

Dirty Wars. Readings against torture, arbitrary detention and kidnapping by Lisa Appignanesi, Mark Danner, Dorothea Dieckmann, Nadine Gordimer and more. Joe’s Pub, 425 Lafayette St. (betw. Astor Pl. & E. 4th St.), 212-967-7555; 7-8:30, $10/$8 (PEN & ACLU members)

Dirty Dancing. A screening of something free at Tribeca Film Festival. World Financial Center Plaza, bordered by West Street, the Hudson River, Vesey & Liberty Sts., 646-452-5296; approx. 8, free.

Nothing Festival. Maybe last week’s selection of Tere O’Connor-approved choreographers didn’t wow. Here’s a whole new bunch. Dance Theater Workshop, 219 W. 19th St. (betw. 7th & 8th Aves.), 212-924-0077; Wed.-Sat. 7:30, $12-$25.

Photo, The Hold Steady

Casper & The Cookies, The Besties, The Icicles, Normandy, The Pains of Being Pure at Heart. Not actually an Elephant 6 band, but they play one on tour. Cake Shop, 152 Ludlow St. (betw. Stanton & Rivington Sts.), 212-253-0036; 8, $7.

Cracker. Hey, hey, hey, like being … shhhh! It’s an all-acoustic show, so be forewarned. Maxwell’s, 1039 Washington St. (at 11th St.), Hoboken, 201-653-1703; 8, $20.

The Silos. They had to change their name from The 13th Floor Grain Elevators due to some confusion. Rodeo Bar, 375 Third Ave. (at 27th St.), 212-683-6500; 10, free.

The Tragically Hip, Constantines. Mind you, this is hip in Canadian terms. The Fillmore NY at Irving Plaza, 17 Irving Pl. (at 15th St.), 212-777-6800; 8, $25/$28.
 
Ellie Fordyce Trio. As a teenager, Fordyce would cut classes to catch jazz jam sessions, which proves something about the importance of math. Papoo’s, 55 Broadway (at Exchange Place), 212-809-3150; 7, free.

Epitaph. In celebration of Charles Mingus’ 85th birthday, an ensemble conducted by Gunther Schuller plays the epic jazz piece. Rose Hall, 33 W. 60th St. (betw. B’way & Amsterdam Ave.), 11th Fl., 212-258-9800; 7:30, $30-95.

DARMSTADT: Classics of the Avant-Garde. Flute and electronics by young composers. Galapagos Art Space, 70 N. 6th St. (betw. Kent & Wythe Aves.), 718-782-5188; 7:30-9:30, $5.

PEN World Voices Festival: Writing Home. International authors explore why home is in the heart, with Don DeLillo, Kiran Desai, Neil Gaiman, Nadine Gordimer, Alain Mabanckou, Steve Martin, Salman Rushdie, Pia Tafdrup, Tatyana Tolstaya, Saadi Youssef. Town Hall, 123 W. 43rd St. (betw. 6th Ave. & B’way), 212-840-2824; 8-9:30, $15/$10 (PEN members).

Gypsy Rose Lee & The Minsky Follies. The “naughtier” side of Gypsy Rose Lee played by Burgundy Brixx, original skits and strip-tease music from Billy Minsky’s burlesque. Mo Pitkins, 34 Ave. A (betw. 2nd & 3rd Sts.), 212-777-5660; 9:30, $10.

Stephen Petronio Company. Premiere of The Ship Song, music by Nick Cave. Joyce Theater, 175 8th Ave. (betw. 18th & 19th Sts.), 212-691-9740, $40/$30 (members).

Female Female-Impersonator. Comic Michele Balan. LBGT Center, 208 W. 13th St. (betw. 7th & 8th Aves.), 212-620-7310; 7, $25-$50.

An Evening with Farley Granger. In person signing copies of Include Me Out: My Life From Goldwyn to Broadway. Film Forum, 208 W. Houston St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), 212-727-9110; 8, free.

Spank Rock (DJ set). Maybe they’ll play “Put that Pussy on Me.” Don’t forget to bring the kids! Virgin Megastore Union Square, 52 E. 14th St. (at B’way), 212-598-4666; 7, free.
 
Fountains of Wayne, Robbers on High Street. Making lawn ornament stores vaguely cool again. Webster Hall, 125 E. 11th St. (betw. 3rd & 4th Aves.), 212-353-1600; 8, $20.

Samba Jazz & The Music Of Jobim. The master would have turned 80 this year, so two of his former alumni, Duduka da Fonseca (drums) and Helio Alves (piano) celebrate his legacy the only possible: with style. Dizzy’s Club Coca-Cola, 33 W. 60th St. (at B’way), 5th Fl., 212-258-9595; 7:30 & 9:30, $30.

Andrea Wolper. Singing her heart out for all you boys and girls. 55 Bar, 55 Christopher St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), 212-929-9883; 7, no cover + 2 drink min.

Photo by Sarah Silver for Stephen Petronio Company

Jarvis Cocker. Now Pulp-free. Webster Hall, 125 E. 11th St. (betw. 3rd & 4th Aves.), 212-353-1600; 8, $32.

Juilliard Jazz Ensemble. Celebrating Mingus’ 85th birthday under the leadership of Veteran trombonist Steve Davis. Musical prodigies are so fun that way. Dizzy's Club Coca-Cola, 33 W. 60th St. (at B’way), 5th Fl., 212-258-9595; 7:30 & 9:30, $10.

Naked Yoga. That’s right, yoga in the nude. Union Square, 7-8:30, $15 (bring a friend and get a free class), nakedyoga@gaiatreehouse.com.

Not4Prophet. N4P reads from “Thrift Shop Hip Hop” and talks about politics, poetry, punk rock and being a Puerto Rican in exile. Carlitos Cafe y Galeria, 1701 Lexington Ave. (betw. 106th & 107th Sts.), 212-534-7168; 7-11, $5 donation.

Sometimes performing exactly to your capabilities isn't enough to move a crowd. As for A-Trak's show at Studio B in Greenpoint Friday night, saying he didn't move the crowd would be an exaggeration, but he certainly could have done better. The tracks he played off Dirty South Dance, his latest mix-tape released on the Fool's Gold label, sounded just like they do on the record. This quality was enough to get the Brooklyn crowd shaking, but not enough to really garner the response he usually does. The Montreal native and current Kanye West DJ held it down, but didn't take his usually fun set to the next level.

Part of the problem was A-Trak's aversion to variation on his themes, but mostly it was just difficult to follow the opener, Oxy Cottontail. Not just a clever name, Oxy Cottontail went wild last Friday, inducing a few hundred drunk Brooklynites to dance their asses off for about an hour. Arriving in NYC after stints in Baltimore and Philadelphia, Oxy has turned to performing her own music rather than simply promoting the music of others. The result is is wildly entertaining live show that got the entire house dancing on Friday night.

This is not to say that A-Trak's set was bad, it just paled in comparison to Oxy Cottontail. Granted, the songs he played off Dirty South Dance are interesting and danceable reworkings of hot tracks, but perhaps next time he'll put in a bit more effort.

Coco Rosie. Coming to a perfume commercial near you. Warsaw, 261 Driggs Ave. (at Eckford St.), B’klyn, 718-387-0505; 8, $18.50.

Joyce & Dori Caymmi. Two legendary Brazilians sharing a stage near you. Birdland, 315 W. 44th St. (betw. 8th & 9th Aves.), 212-581-3080; 9 & 11, $35.

Michael Gamble Meteorchestra. The Rhode Island native busted out of the smallest state and moved to Brooklyn to make his synth-based music. Tonight he gives his neighbors a taste of his poison. Tea Lounge, 837 Union St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), B’klyn, 718-789-2762; 9 & 10:30, $5 donation.
 
Antiquarian Booksellers’ Association of America. Exhibit of rare books, manuscripts, ephemera. Park Avenue Armory, 643 Park Ave. (betw. 66th & 67th Sts.), 212-930-0730; Fri. Noon-8; Sat. Noon-7; Sun. Noon-5, $20, 3-Day Pass $45.

The Third Generation (Die Dritte Generation). Fassbinder’s 1980 film. Deutsches Haus (NYU), 42 Washington Mews (at Washington Sq. Park), 212-998-8660; 6:30, free.

Tripnotica NYC. Electronica, down-tempo, trip-hop music, art exhibition, pre-record release party for Bjork’s Volta. The Delancey, 168 Delancey St. (betw. Clinton & Attorney Sts.) 8:30, $10, $7 with invitation.

It’s almost like God wants you to be a pothead, why else would the skies clear just in time for 4/20? We suggest celebrating the green way and immediately running outside to feel the virgin sun on your shoulders and the grass between your toes. But if you’re stuck in a tiny cubicle, eyes red and bleary from staring at your computer screen (not from illegal substance abuse), then allow us to suggest an evening alternative to stumbling into bed with a pan of fresh baked brownies. Grab some much needed sustenance and venture across Delancey Street where the Lolita Bar will be hosting "You Look Great … When I’m High." DJs Midge Pingleton, Shirley Mc and DJ Chicken Nuttz will keep things lively for those who have been making merry all day. It’s not exactly Bob Dylan and Paul Simon, but then again, they’re boasting $4 Yuengling and Labatts, not passing around the peace pipe. At least there’s no cover, ’cause your money was surely spent in far greener pastures today.

Here's a totally useless business idea that could be your new best friend, especially if you have mono. Just in time for all the weekend celebrations you’re going to miss just because you’re an asshole, BuyYourFriendADrink.com is launching today in New York City.

“BYFAD.com creates the emotional connection of buying someone a drink when you can’t be there in person,” says Steven Cohn, founder and CEO. Wait a minute, buying someone a drink creates an emotional connection? We though it was just a lame precursor to forging a physical connection later in the evening.

Of course you could just tell your friend, “Sorry I couldn’t be there, drinks on me next time!” But if for whatever reason your friend has a huge stick up his or her ass and absolutely, positively needs you to buy them a drink immediately, check out the BYFAD website to start forging whatever connection you want tonight!

Portuguese Wine Tasting. Wine & food from Portuguese restaurants (benefit for Slow Food USA). Lighthouse at Chelsea Piers (at 23rd St.), 212-929-7700; 5:30-8, $35.

The Sublet Experiment. Romantic comedy performed in actual NYC apartments. 112 Willow St. (betw. Pierrepont & Clarke Sts.), B’klyn Heights, 212-352-3101, Thurs.-Fri 8; Sat.-Sun. 7, $20.

Women in Hip-Hop: Revered or Reviled. Editor Kim Osorio, DJ/writer Julie Covello and NOW-NYC. Charities Building, Room 4A,105 E. 22nd St. (at Park Ave. S.), no phone; 6:30, $7 donation.

80th Annual Golden Gloves Finals. Amateur boxing championship. The Theater at Madison Square Garden, 32nd St. & 7th Ave., 212-307-7171; 7:30, $25-$45.

Peelander Z, Aloke, Americans, Right on Dynamite, The Waylons. Hands down, one of the top five Japanese Action Comic Punk Bands in the state of New York. Luna Lounge, 361 Metropolitan Ave. (at Havemeyer St.), B’klyn, 866-468-7619; 7:30, $10.

Battles, O’Death, Dirty Projectors. Come on kids, stay out late. It’s math-rock. You can totally justify skipping class the next morning. NYU, Kimmel Center, Eisner & Lubin Auditorium, 60 Washington Sq. S., 212-998-4987; 7:30, $5/$7.

Hot Chip, Tussle. LCD Soundsystem is playing their house. Webster Hall, 125 E. 11th St. (betw. 3rd & 4th Aves.), 212-353-1600; 6:30, $22.

Tain And The Ebonix . What’s not to love when the drummer is the bandleader? Veteran Jeff “Tain” Watts also releases his new disc, Folk Songs. The Cutting Room, 19 W. 24th St. (betw. B’way & 6th Ave.), 212-691-1900; 9:30, $15.

Balkan Beat Box. Gypsies to a dance beat. Bowery Ballroom, 6 Delancey St. (betw. Bowery & Chrystie St.), 212-533-2111; 8, $17.

Photo courtesy of The Sublet Experiment, starring Erin Maya Darke as Melanie and Adam Hyland as Eric

If Brooklyn had a wrestling team competing in what was formerly known as WWF's "Monday Night Raw" (now WWE's "Raw," which doesn't sound as cool), Ratatat would provide its entry music. This electronic-melodic, instrumental duo has an epic sound that resonated throughout Webster Hall last night. Only a trio of musicians—Mike Stroud, Evan Mast and an additional keyboardist—set up shop onstage during the performance, but the songs that emerged had this heroic, larger-than-life appeal. Tunes from Classics dominated the set, and the sold out crowd acted as if its collective mind were actually being blown each time Stroud and Mast kicked into a new beat.

Stroud hunched over his guitar all night, looking like he'd just crawled out of a cave; his shaggy mop of shoulder-length, dark hair
flipped in front of his face and shrouded what his beard didn't already cover. Mast, the taller, cleaner cut and more parent-friendly
of the two, politely addressed the crowd as "nice people" and provide the crafty bass lines over which Stroud's melodies slid. A salute to
whoever conducted the lights: When Stroud got on his knees in a cloud of smoke, launched into a grand gesture of a guitar strum and that huge flash of white light exploded behind him, it was SpinalTap-magnificence in the best of ways. So perhaps when an updated
version of the famous 1980s WWF tagteam The Bushwackers emerges from Brooklyn, the team can borrow not just the Ratatat music, but also the smoke machine and the lighting master.

Patti Smith & Her Band. Patti Smith’s soon to be released 10th album will be called 12. Crazy poets. Hiro Ballroom at the Maritime Hotel, 363 W. 16th St. (at 9th Ave.), 212-242-4300; 7, $35.

Mason Jennings, Kaiser Cartel. Not related to Waylon or Shooter until DNA tests prove otherwise. Luna Lounge, 361 Metropolitan Ave. (at Havemeyer St.), B’klyn, 866-468-7619; 7:30, $15/$17. (also April 21 at Gramercy Theatre).

Son Volt, Jason Isbell. Seriously, this band is like a total rip-off of Uncle Tupelo. Even the guy’s voice sounds the same. The Fillmore NY at Irving Plaza, 17 Irving Pl. (at 15th St.), 212-777-6800; 8, $22.50/$25.

John Vanderslice, St. Vincent. The guy wrote, “Bill Gates Must Die.” I bet he’s totally gonna trash Vista all night. Maxwell’s, 1039 Washington St. (at 11th St.), Hoboken, 201-653-1703; 8, $12.

Pink Nasty, The Black. Gonna be a, er … colorful evening. Pete’s Candy Store, 709 Lorimer St. (at Richardson St.), B’klyn, 718-302-3770; 10, free.

Art Brut, Fucked Up. How do you follow a band called “Fucked Up?” I’m sure Art Brut will find a way. Studio B, 259 Banker St. (betw. Calyer St. & Meserole Ave.), B’klyn, 718-389-1880; 8, $12.

Ratatat, Despot. Two dudes, two instruments, one wicked onomatopoeia. Webster Hall, 125 E. 11th St. (betw. 3rd & 4th Aves.), 212-353-1600; 7:30, $20.

Michael Bates’ Outside Sources. The bassist and his quartet play an intimate set comprised of original compositions inspired by the likes of Dave Douglas and Ornette Coleman—modern jazz isn’t for those who can’t keep an open mind. Barbès, 376 9th St. (at 6th Ave.), B’klyn, 718-965-9177; 10, $ 10.

Paquito D’Rivera. Latin jazz to warm up to. Birdland, 315 W. 44th St. (betw. 8th & 9th Aves.), 212-581-3080; 9 & 11, $35.

PopRally Night Crawl. After-hours tour of Comic Abstraction: Image-Breaking, Image-Making exhibit. MoMA, 11 W. 53rd. St. (betw. 5th & 6th Aves.), 212-708-9400; 8:15, $10.

GalleryBar Collective. Artists and art lovers “mingle.” Art For Progress, 120 Orchard St. (betw. Delancey & Rivington Sts.), no phone, 7:30-11, free.

Visual Slang: The Modern Urban Imagination. Artwork and graffiti by 20 artists, curated by Lois Stavsky w/ Michael Ponce. Abrons Arts Center/Henry Street Settlement, 466 Grand St., 917-562-8468; 6-8, free.

Blini & Caviar. Cocktail reception for photos by Alla Esipovich w. guest Dr. Alexander Borovsky of State Russian Museum of Saint Petersburg. Angel Orensanz Foundation Center for the Arts, 172 Norfolk St. (at Houston St.), 212-780-0175; 6:30, free.

Art Brut, Holy Hail. Look for their sophomore release, Put Out Another Record, e Put Out Another Record, dropping this spring. Bowery Ballroom, 6 Delancey St. (betw. Bowery & Chrystie St.), 212-533-2111; 8, $16.

Gonzalo Rubalcaba Quintet. The Cuban-born Grammy winner shows us why he got the trophy in the first place. Jazz Standard, 116 E. 27th St. (betw. Park & Lexington Aves.), 212-576-2232; 7:30 & 9:30, $25.

B Musicals. Three films for the price of one: Mister Big, The Merry Monahans and Get Hep To Love. Film Forum, 209 W. Houston St. (betw. 6th Ave. & Varick St.), 212-727-8112; various times, $10.50.

Eric Jerome Dickey. Reading from novel Sleeping with Strangers. Barnes & Noble Booksellers, 2289 Broadway (at 82nd St.), 212-362-8835.

O'Debra Twins Show & Tell. Comedy open mike. The Bowery Poetry Club, 308 Bowery (at Bleecker St.), 212-614-0505; 10, $3.

Bob Mould, Radio 4, Harmony Rockets. Bob Mould is a former scriptwriter for the WCW. Apparently, he was also in a band at some point. Husker...something... (Benefit for Callum Robbins.) Bowery Ballroom, 6 Delancey St. (betw. Bowery & Chrystie St.), 212-533-2111; 7, $25.

Gang Gang Dance w/ Professor Murder & Yacht. Rhizome Benefit Concert also includes computer artist Cory Arcangel MC. 'Cuz that's just the way it is. Hiro Ballroom, Maritime Hotel, 366 W. 17th St., 212-242-4300; 8, $35.

Smoosh, The Postmarks, Creeping Weeds. Here's hoping they don't get carded. Knitting Factory, 74 Leonard St. (betw. B'way & Church St.), 212-219-3132; 7, $12/$14.

The Harlem Renaissance Orchestra. Swinging those Monday blues away. Swing 46, 349 W. 46th St. (betw. 8th & 9th Aves.), 212-262-9554; 8:30, $15.

Photo from The Merry Monahans

Props due: Los Angeles-born MC, Busdriver, isn't satisfied with the status quo. His up-tempo electronic soundscapes thump with heavy bass, highlighted by pleasantly quirky sounds. And his energy is off the charts. Yet in trying to push the envelope, Busdriver tore it to smithereens at Webster Hall on Friday. The bulk of the crowd, who appeared to have just gotten out of a freshman English class at NYU, seemed to be feeling it. But I couldn't help notice that the Epitaph Records signed MC was missing the beat entirely and giving the crowd jazz hands (no joke). After what was probably beer number four, I went to the bathroom, wondering if I was getting old and out of touch. The attendant was playing Gang Starr, and I decided to camp out for awhile and wait for Rjd2 to come on.

Rj, the underground hip-hop luminary, who brazenly impressed – or entirely pissed off – fans with his new genre-bending opus, The Third Hand, likely won over any naysayers in the crowd on Friday. Taking stage with a live band, throughout the night, the Columbus, Ohio, native rotated between guitar, bass, keyboard, his sampler and the wheels of steel, playing a well-balanced mix of new and old material: from the peppy, soul heavy "Good Times Roll Pt. 2" to the Beatlesesque "Laws of the Gods." RJ's crooning was also impressive, proving it wasn't just good technology that made his vocals strong on the album.

Beer number seven came and went, and I rushed downstairs to use the restroom. Yet even though the bathroom attendant was bumping Boogie Down Productions, I didn't tarry. I was eager to return and see what Rj would do next.

The Loser’s Lounge. Tribute to Hall and Oates. Joe’s Pub, 425 Lafayette St. (betw. Astor Pl. & E. 4th St.), 212-967-7555; 7 & 9:30, $25.

Frock N Roll. Multi-media exhibition of fashion, visual arts and rock ‘n’ roll, with performances by Anna Copa Cabanna, Breedlove, DJ’s Lady Starlight and more. Local Project, 21-36 44th Rd. (betw. 21st & 23rd Sts.), Long Island City, Queens, no phone; 6-midnight, free.

Greg Ashley’s Medicine Fuck Dream, Black Lion White Devil. Trippy down-home dirty-psych from the state that brought you the war in Iraq. Don Pedro’s, 90 Manhattan Ave. (at Boerun St.), B’klyn, 718-218-6914; 8, $8.

Headlights, Page France, Cheyenne. Page France manages to sing about Jesus in a way that doesn’t make you want to hurl yourself into the nearest open pit of lions. Pianos, 158 Ludlow St. (at Stanton St.), 212-505-3733; 9, $12.

The Locust, Cattle Decapitation, Daughters. Somewhere beneath those masks, there’s a smooth jazz band in a lot of pain, crying to get out. Rebel, 251 W. 30th St. (betw. 7th & 8th Aves.), 212-695-2747; 6:30, $12/$15.

RJD2, Busdriver, Happy Chichester. If your first name was Ramble, you’d pick a Star Wars reference to be know by, too. Webster Hall, 125 E. 11th St. (betw. 3rd & 4th Aves.), 212-353-1600; 6, $17/$20.

Afro-Latin Jazz Orchestra. Under the leadership of Arturo O’Farril, the orchestra goes tango with the presence of Argentinean bassist Pablo Aslan and the Avantango Dancers. “La Cumparsita” will certainly be featured tonight. Rose Hall, 33 W. 60th St. (betw. B’way & Amsterdam Ave.), 11th fl., 212-258-9800; 8, $30-$120.

Curha-Chestra. Led by guitarist and trombonist Curtis Hasselbring, this band mixes jazz, funk and other musical elements as they try to bridge the gap between avant-garde and listenable music. Tea Lounge, 837 Union St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), B’klyn, 718-789-2762; 9 & 10:30, $5 donation.

The Dirty Found Outreach Program. Celebrating the release of Dirty Found #3, enjoy pervy PowerPoint festivities and DJs Alianna Kalaba and Danielle Malkoff (Exercise Tiger). Union Pool, 484 Union Ave. (at Meeker), B'klyn, 718- 609-0484; 9, $7.

Only 207 more days until Halloween, but it’s never too early to start celebrating that wicked holiday. Tonight is Harem Scarum at Luna Lounge, a benefit party for New York’s 
Village Halloween Parade hosted by Scotty the Blue Bunny. Famous faces include: The Hungry March Band, The Fabulous Entourage, The Daisy Spurs, The Violets, Project Jenny Project Jan, Jolly Ship the Whizbang, Angie Pontani, Amber Ray, The Glamazons, Darlinda Just Darlinda, Paco Fish, Groove Hoops, Dottie Lux and Dorit the Belly Dancer of the Universe. Plus, DJ Dirty Jean and DJ Bill Coleman will drop some crazy beats.

Tickets are $15 in advance or $20 at the door—$5 off the door price if you come in costume (or if your standard dress is equally out there).

Fellatio Class. Come on, no gagging (women only). Ripley Grier Studios, 520 8th Ave., 16th floor a(betw. 36th & 37th Sts.), no phone; 7:30-9:30, $45 (pre-paid).

Untitled: An Exhibition of Original Skateboard Art. Eyejammie Fine Arts Gallery, 516 W. 25th St. (betw. 10th & 11th Aves.), Suite 306, 212-645-0061; 6-9, free.

The Fancy Party Bike Parade. Biking to a Manhattan party hosted by Lady Circus. Assembling on Mckibbin St. and Bushwick Ave. (outside the artist lofts), B'klyn, no phone; 8 (sharp), $5 cover for open vodka bar (10-11), boringincorporated@gmail.com.

John Abercrombie Quartet. They just came back from a European tour, so let's give them a nice NYC welcome so they'll forget about all that Eurotrash. Birdland, 315 W. 44th St. (betw. 8th & 9th Aves.), 212-581-3080; 9 & 11, $30.

For Those We Love. Great music meets a worthy cause: Legendary Cuban reedman Paquito D'Rivera joins vocalists Jane Monheit, Louise Rogers and The New York Voices tonight for a concert to benefit the local chapter of the Alzheimer Association. Kaye Playhouse, 695 Park Ave., 212-772-4448; 7:30, $50-$250.

The Rejection Show (hosted by Jon Friedman). Upright Citizens Brigade Theater, 307 W. 26th St. (at 8th Ave.), 212-366-9176; 8, $5.

Tutto a Posto e Niente in Ordine (All Screwed Up). The 1974 film directed by Lina Wertmuller. Italian Academy for Advanced Studies in America at Columbia University, 1161 Amsterdam Ave. (betw. 116th &118th Sts.), 212854-2306; 6:30, $5 donation

A.M. Holmes. The author reads from her new memoir, The Mistress's Daughter. Chelsea Barnes & Noble, 675 6th Ave. (at 22nd St.), 212-727=1227; 7, Free.

O'Neil, Jana Hunter. That's TJO to you. Total Jock Out. Luna Lounge, 361 Metropolitan Ave. (at Havemeyer St.), B'klyn, 866-468-7619; 7, $10.

Loren Stillman Group. The Brooklyn saxophonist studied with Dave Liebman and toured with the likes of Joe Lovano, and tonight he shares his talent with his neighbors. Tea Lounge, 837 Union St. (at 7th Ave.), B'klyn, 718-789-2762; 9 & 10:30, $5 donation.

Jamie Davis Quintet. The local vocalist releases his new disc, It's A Good Thing, recorded with musicians from the Count Basie Orchestra. Dizzy's Club Coca-Cola, 33 W. 60th St. (at B'way), 5th Fl., 212-258-9595; 7:30 & 9:30, $30.

There’s still room in hip-hop for glass smashing barroom boom bap and the coke sniffing, bitch slapping and booze bagging that come along with it.  And judging by the number of adolescent Abercrombie adversaries who flocked to the Gramercy Theatre for La Coka Nostra’s first official East Coast show (they dropped in on Cypress Hill at the Nokia Theatre last winter), there’s an army of misguided late-teens out there who fiend for the sort of roughneck rhymes and King Kong bass lines that the all-white all-star team of House of Pain, ILL Bill and Boston ringer Slaine came along packing.

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Until recently, a Polish nightclub was not a place you would expect to see hyper-spastic math rock. Fortunately, Europa in Greenpoint has begun hosting a few rock shows a week. Friday night, Hella whipped up a musical-frenzy on Europa's small black light-lit stage in front of a room packed with fans. Even with the former instrumental two-piece expanding to a five-piece with vocals, Hella's set was seamlessly tight, playing songs from the recently released, There's No 666 in Outer Space. While the rest of the band was great, it was Zach Hill's frantic pounding of the skins that made this performance memorable.

On Friday, April 13, Tonic will join Sin-e on 2007's list of music venue fatalities based on steadily increasing rent. Any regular to Tonic had to see it coming, but it's still sad to hear of the fall of yet another Lower East Side club. Since it opened in 1998, Tonic has been the place to see experimental music, with the legendary John Zorn practically living there. Mike Wolf from Time Out describes the situation perfectly:

Ah, fuck. That’s about the only thing that can be said to the news that Tonic, one of the city’s most popular small clubs—to musicians and fans alike—will be closing next month, with the last night of music being lucky Friday the 13th. The well-liked owners, Melissa Caruso Scott and John Scott, have yet to issue an official press release describing their reasons for closing, but one can only assume that the enormous, appalling tower of condos that got thrown up literally next door is part of it. (It all brings to mind DeNiro in Brazil, gliding in on a wire after striking a blow against the powers that be, smiling and assuring us that “We’re all in it together.” But I digress—and anyway, I’m not advocating that sort of behavior, am I?)

With condos being built on every inch of space surrounding it, as well as the opening of Whole Foods, we can only hope that The Mercury Lounge can survive this trend. Let the rumours begin.

Photo courtesy of Stephen L. Harlow on Flickr

I know we’ve heard this one before, but this time it seems the Roxy nightclub-cum-roller rink is closing for good. Really. Tonight there’s purported to be a final skate to relive the '70s heyday (and one of the final skate rinks still around). But the big event will be John Blair’s big Saturday blowout: A perfect excuse for all those Chelsea boys to experience their favorite K-hole or G dropout. Of course the club wasn’t always known for what was being snorted from a bumper. It's been around since the 1920s and has a storied past, notably as the epicenter of hip-hop culture in the early ’80s (before the term was coined) and the break-dancing competitions that took place, featured in the 1984 film Beat Street.

It was inevitable that the club would be a thing of the past once Interactive Corp unfurled their sail-like Gehry building next door (doesn't it just blend into the fog on those chilly Hudson mornings?). The Saturday night promoter John Blair recently issued an email statement: "The State Liquor Authority is closing all clubs for one week that have had two or more underage drinking violations." The club will allegedly be demolished in a few weeks. And what better thing for Chelsea than to kick out a loud, drug-riddled club and replace it with a parking lot or another high-rise? What's a promoter to do these days in Chelsea? Seems everyone just wants to imbibe while underage and take countless amounts of drugs. And we all know that just shouldn't be happening in a nightclub, bastions of propriety and good vibes.

Former "Oz" actor Granville Adams has been arraigned for allegedly pushing a man down an elevator shaft at the Chelsea nightclub BED on Saturday. He claims it was self-defense. What's so strange about the whole thing is it's an incident that could have been one of the many violent acts from an episode of the HBO prison drama where it wasn't unusual for an inmate to off someone by using a convenient open elevator.

But the city's elevators were hungry for more. Two men tumbled down a Queens high-rise elevator shaft the following day and weren't discovered until 12 hours later. You know director Dick Maas (no that's not some dirty joke) already predicted NY elevators would act erratically and start their attack on the city's innocent in his film Down (aka The Shaft) about a killer elevator.

Now we're not implying that the elevators are on attack mode—just be careful not to repeatedly push that button and piss it off today.

   
    Now that Robert Redford has made his obligatory opening remarks and crowds are ascending on Main Street, attendees at the Sundance Film Festival can start doing what they're supposed to do: watch movies. The event got its proper start last night with the premiere of Brett Morgen's fascinating amalgamation of archival footage and cartoon dramatization Chicago 10. Although whimsical in its pacing and occasionally replacing argumentation with caricature, the film presents an entirely fresh approach to exploring the political climate in America during the 1960s. It also finds a smart way to imbue a forty year old drama with contemporary insight. The 1968 protests during the Democratic National Convention in Illinois, which led to the brutal treatment of innocent protestors by armies of senseless cops and the needless persecution of a select few harmless hippies, makes the New York City protests against 2004's RNC look like daycare for earnest liberals. All that means Chicago 10 presents a great way to view the Iraq War as a predecessor of Vietnam, but it also works as a cautionary tale anticipating that the current situation could get a whole lot worse.

    An older colleague of mine viewed the movie through the lens of his own memories, and I imagine many others in his age group will do the same. That generation, which predates my own, brings additional understanding to this unforgettable saga in a way that I imagine even Morgen, who graduated college in 1991, can't fathom. No matter; the director tells the story as a fable for all times. The soundtrack avoids the well-worn route of classic Sixties pop tunes in favor of recent rock selections. It's a strange decision, but an effective one. Much of Chicago 10 aims to rebuild the experience of living through those tumultuous times, and it accomplishes the goal by intentionally not turning into a time machine. I wa put off at first by the inclusion of animation, but the technique grew on me; the behavior that took place in the courtroom, when the leaders of the Yippie protest group were denied their Constitutional rights again and again by a madcap geezer judge (the script was provided by court transcripts), are corrupt enough to seem far-fetched. That fact that is highlighted by the motion capture technology, which allows Morgen the freedom of careening 360 degree camera movement and the ability to engage the personality of his subjects through lively color schemes and occasional cartoonish gags. The voices during these sequences provide the film with its most immediate connection to the mainstream cinema, although I didn't recognize any of them and found myself pleasantly surprised when the credits came up. Hank Azaria, best known for his wide variety of The Simpsons, must have had a blast voicing Alan Ginsberg, whose court testimony required him to dissect a poem about wet dreams and culminated with his recitation of a meditation chant to quell the tension in the room. The artwork is so accurate that when the real Ginsberg appears later in archival footage chanting to a crowd of protesters, the fictional Ginsberg and the man himself grow indistinguishable. So the animation works.


Another strong vocal performer during the fabricated scenes is Nick Nolte, who voices a scraggly district attorney with the actor's signature growl. Nolte was the first person I got a chance to chat with last night at the director's private party (more about that here), but I was mostly interested in Morgen's recollection of the collaboration, particularly his description of Nolte's performance as "the voice of death." Dark as he is, Nolte gives us a guilty pleasure experience justified by the social relevance of the movie that sustains his presence. He made a lot of cameras flash as he sauntered through the Spur Bar and Grill on Main Street, but the real energy and excitement in the room was generated by Morgen and his giddy crew. There were loads of them, particularly due to the attendence from the sprawling team of animators and effects folks that give the movie its biggest "wow" factor. Although Chicago 10 hasn't yet been bought by a distributor, I have no question it'll get snatched up in short order and play to large crowds of enthusiastic New York hipsters (the rest of the country, I'm not so sure about). Members of the crew seemed to agree with me. "Yeah, New York's gonna love it," said one animator, slouching against the wall of Spur's balcony and reflecting on the production experience. "And Chicago," I added, joined by another effects person who spoke with me in unison.

    We high-fived.

    As you might imagine, it was around this time that I began to soak in the aura of excitement circulating around the room. Any qualms I had with certain aspects of the film were stashed away as I joined in the celebration of the film's nascent success. Morgen, repeatedly stepping outside for smoke breaks, bitching about the cold and returning indoors for rounds of tequila shots, displayed an immense amount of unbridled confidence. "I want this movie to reach the largest audience possible!" he declared to me, then added, in a noticeably more cautious voice, "I'm trying to get a sense for what people thought of the movie. What did you think?"

    Once Morgen vanished into the crowd to receive the obligatory back-patting from his pals and admirers, I worked my way down the movie's production hierarchy. Morgen's affable sound editor, a Boston-bred New Yorker named Wyatt Sprague, shared anecdotes from his earlier career in Los Angeles, comparing the experience to working on Morgen's film and concluding that working away from Hollywood is much more satisfying for people in his profession. "I realized that I was a cog in Hollywood," he said. "That's why I like working with Brett." Sprague's credits as a sound editor include X-Files: Fight the Future and the upcoming Noah Baumbach film Margot at the Wedding.

    Later on, I spoke with a twenty-one year-old animator (whose name, sadly, escapes me). He romanticized the work he did on the film the way a graduate student might pontificate on the joy of staying up late composing a thesis. It's the only comparison I can make—he remembered refining frames from the movie at 2 a.m. and realizing the beauty of his accomplishment. As the conversation flowed elsewhere, my newfound acquaintance spiritedly pointed out to me the presence of Jeff Dowd, the aging hippy producer who inspired the Coen brother's cult creation Jeff Lebowski in The Big Lebowski. We stood nearby and listened to him ramble on.

Dowd, who really does look and sound just like the slacker character he inspired, apparently loved the film. So when it comes to the primary philosophies at the heart of Chicago 10, the dude abides.

If you're one of the legions of New York City purists who felt the closing of CBGB's was the final sign of the gentrification apocalypse, there is still hope! Our own Joe Bendik will rock the house this Saturday at the Sidewalk Cafe in the East Village at 9pm. Get a preview here... To all you other indie bands/artists out there struggling to eek out a voice in the face of the Starbucks-ification of NYC, please send your music, DVDs, art show announcements to:

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