Clash of the Titans

What was this guy thinking?

Arnold Conrad, the former pastor of Grace Evangelical Free Church in Davenport, warmed up a McCain rally last week with the news that God will be really, really embarrassed if Barack Obama wins the November election.

“There are millions of people around this world praying to their god—whether it’s Hindu, Buddha, Allah—that his opponent wins, for a variety of reasons. And Lord, I pray that you will guard your own reputation, because they’re going to think that their God is bigger than you, if that happens,” said Conrad.

God doesn't need this shit. I mean, he worked his ass off, seven days and seven nights to create the universe, and the last thing he needs is to get dissed by that smart aleck Vishnu who's all "So, God, how's that Obama guy working out for you?", and Buddha going on with his "one with everything" psychobabble.

My God may be an awesome God, but he looks at the polls just like everyone else.

What Bill O'Reilly doesn't want you to know

It's not because O'Reilly is a stickler for evidence. He just needs a bogeyman. In this case, it's a liberal political advocacy group that raised funds to publicize what our corporate media hasn't told us: that John McCain has a serious health issue.

That's all.

"Less taxes, more war"

I'd have to give neo-con Attorney Gabriel Nathan Schwartz an A for honesty. Not sure about his judgement, though, given that a couple hours after giving this interview, Schwartz was drugged and robbed by a St. Paul hooker.

That's not a bridge we can believe in

OK, so Sarah Palin was for the bridge before she was against it. I get that. But the larger question is, why does Alaska need federal funding for a bridge? Alaskan oil generates more wealth per capita than any other state. What was once called Seward's Folly could rightly be called the Saudi Arabia of North America, and not just because it's run by religious nuts. While most states go begging for funds year after year, Ketchikan Tea generates surplus revenue year after year - $5 billion in 2008. Palin even forced an oil windfall profits tax through the Alaskan legislature last year that netted $6 billion. That's enough dough for 18 bridges to nowhere, with change left over to spay the governor's daughter.

For all their talk of fiscal restraint and personal responsibility, Republicans line up at the federal trough with everyone else.

Priceless

Paris responds

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Who but John McCain could elicit sympathy for Paris Hilton? I can't wait for Team Spears' response.

FunnyOrDie.com is a working collaboration of comedy heavyweights Will Ferrell and Adam McKay, BTW. Great to see them making a difference.

Paris' response actually makes sense, and yes I did use the phrases "Paris Hilton" and "make sense" in a single sentence. Allowing limited off shore exploration - and that's what we're talking about, since drilling is years away - while investing in energy conservation and alternative fuel transportation - is the best of both worlds. Increasing domestic supply is a doubled edged sword if not managed right. On one hand, sending fewer petro dollars to Islamic theme-park oil producers and African despots is a good thing. But increased supplies at home mean lower oil prices, which means less incentive to conserve and drive more efficient cars. Hilton's energy platform, which bares an uncanny resemblance to Obama's philosophy, is the best of both worlds.

Paint it black

They just can't help themselves, those brave National Review editors who, like the musicians on the Titanic, kept a stiff upper lip right to the end. Of course it's easy to be distracted when the ship of state is listing and the cold reality of political armaggedon calls from below decks.

But still, "Black" refers to Charlie Black, Sen. John McCain's sleazeball senior advisor, who lied about his shady lobbyist connections. Black, in this context, has nothing to do with the junior senator from Illinois.