by ektomage

This article was written in 2026 and then showed up in the past (by which I mean the present) in a futuristic briefcase. And by the present, I mean 2004. Which is odd, because I'm writing this in 2026.

Chris Becker, the most brilliant and (therefore inexplicably) the most popular humor columnist in history was found dead at some place he never would have been (it doesn't matter where), say the science police, who would probably know. His death was apparently caused by murder, which is a thing that used to exist that you may have heard of in old movies, where people stop living because of the deliberate actions of other people. (I know! I don't get it either!) The science police don't know anything about investigating murder because no one has had to do it for like ten years or something. So to bone up they're apparently watching a bunch of old episodes of Case Closed, on whatever medium people watch video on in the future. Probably data crystals. Or something. You wouldn't think watching some silly old anime would help them very much, but apparently it has, because as soon as they started, a briefcase from a few weeks later appeared, which contained a file about how they h! ad solved the case. Which wasn't odd, because such briefcases have been mysteriously appearing in the past since 2004. Back then, being novel, it was still odd. But now it isn't, anymore. Because nothing can stay fresh and interesting forever. Except Space Ghost.

According to the file from a few weeks from now (now being 2026), he was killed by an idiot moron who tried to get him arrested but failed because he didn't do anything wrong. The idiot moron apparently visited Becker's hugely popular and profitable website which has been in existence since... huh. 2004. I'm sure that's just a coincidence, and has nothing to do with the time traveling briefcases. Where was I? Oh yes. The murderer visited Becker's hugely popular and profitable Gorilla Pirate website, and read an article talking about how David A. Ward had become President of the World in 2024, and then proceeded to work with his advisors on developing and implementing his lifelong dream of eliminating money, thereby ensuring everyone in the world would have a good education, get their dream job, a nice home, everything they need and a fair portion of what they want, thus ushering in a global utopia for everyone. Of course, President Ward's revolutionary and highly successful plan of Moneyless Capitalism was merely the last in a series of steps, begun by others back when he himself was uninvolved in politics, and merely the most successful science fiction and fantasy writer of short stories, novels, movies, television, comic books, and whatever else we watch in the future, in the history of the world. The first step was the elimination of murder, which oddly enough I, a famous and well-educated (by which I mean well-programmed) A.I. who writes news stories for an artificial living, didn't remember hearing anything about, even though it only happened like ten years ago, or whatever I said. (Back-skimming article.) Yes, that was it.

Where was I? Oh yes. Uh... but the article that the idiot moron read on the website only mentioned President Ward in the second paragraph, or third if you count the three-sentence paragraph at the beginning. And the fourth paragraph. And the fifth. But that's not the point! The main gist of the article had something to do with an article appearing in the past from the future. I think; I didn't really read it. I mean after all, the website has millions of articles, by both Becker himself and thousands of other people, including President Ward (under the handle "ektomage"). Most of whom don't matter, and this one was probably written by someone who doesn't matter, though I'm not sure who, and I haven't got time to read every article on the website, and just because I'm writing a news story about it, why should that mean I should bother to read some rubbish by some hack? Of course as I said, I don't know who wrote it, and I don't care. Maybe he wasn't a hack, maybe he was a goo! d writer, but he's not Chris Becker, so why should I care? On the same principle, I've never listened to Helter Skelter, even though I like the Beatles. If it drove someone to murder, I say why risk it? Well, this article that this idiot moron read made him kill a guy, so I'm not going to read it. But I heard about it, a little bit. Anyway... the idiot moron read it and thought, I guess, Becker had put it on his website now, and was like... I guess, acting like it was a new original article about something that hadn't already happened in the past. Or something. Namely, David Ward becoming President of the World and eliminating money, and how great that was. But the idiot moron thought that was the most unoriginal thing ever written, because it had happened, and had been well-documented. Which is illegal. One of the less sane laws enacted by President Ward, along with things like allowing fast food cashiers to shoot rude customers (just to wound, of course, not fatall! y! Because who's ever heard of a crazy thing like shooting someone fat ally, except in old movies and stuff?); or allowing anyone to shoot annoying people who repeatedly talk loudly in movie theaters (which still exist but with clearer sound and picture and stuff); and anyone who thinks he (President Ward) is attractive being locked away in mental institutions for their own good. (We forgive the Mad President for his insane laws, because of his great laws that made life in general infinitely better than it used to be.) Anyway, no entertainment without at least a shred of originality has been made for the past two years, an innovation which would not have been possible unless everyone in the world had TiVo, rather than relying on there being all kinds of crap on TV that they were willing to miss while they were out living their lives. Luckily, since there is no more money, everyone does have TiVo now. So it's okay that everything on whatever medium we use is now worth watching. Except for reruns, because I mean, obviously, even if ! you record your shows, you won't have time to watch them if there's always stuff on to watch. Unless you're one of those genetically engineered people who can put their full attention on every window on their multiple-entertainment contraption at once.

What was this article about, again? Oh yes. Chris Becker was murdered! This sucks, because now he probably won't do any more writing, and I loved his writing. Anyway, the idiot moron would have been right to try to get Becker arrested for putting the article on his site, except that the article had actually been there since... 2004. Hmmm. Because it appeared in a futuristic briefcase. In the past. But he didn't believe this explanation, for some reason, which probably doesn't make sense, but that's okay because he's obviously nuts. So he took matters into his own hands, and killed Becker. Which is definitely illegal. In fact it's double illegal, another one of President Ward's laws: doing anything illegal to someone he likes is double illegal, so you automatically get double the normal sentence. Um... yeah, I'm still kinda shocked about this all working out because of that anime, but... that's what the file from a few weeks from now says, and I gotta trust in time travel. Be! cause my editor wants me to hurry up and submit this article to him. In the past. (I wonder if Becker will somehow read this in the past and manage to prevent his own death in the future? Gosh I hope so. Maybe he could just never put that article, whatever it was, on his site in the first place.)

But first I have to borrow a futuristic briefcase. From Timothy Hutton's daughter. Who's a physics professor now, and invented time traveling briefcases.

The only things I have are my intellectual property and mycollection of plastic souvenir cups from Taco Bell commemorating the release of "Batman Returns."  So if you steal the former well then I might just have to kill himself.  Everything on this site is copyright Chris Becker, except for the pictures I stole and then Photoshopped the crap out of.  If for some bizarre reason you want to reprint any of  bullplop written here, or just want to send me any death threats or marriage proposals, contact Chris Becker at beckec89(at)uwosh(dot)edu.