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Bankers and brokers butt of jokes
11 Comments
Kate Southam
Tuesday, December 09, 2008 at 09:00amWhat do you say to a merchant banker who knocks on your door?
How much do I owe you for the pizza?
Whenever there is a global disaster it doesn’t take long for the black humour to follow. The joke above is just one of many doing the rounds. Read on for a a few more jokes about the once high and mighty of the financial world . (Apologies to those normal banking folk losing their jobs.)
Oh, and in overseas news, the chairman and chief executive of troubled Merrill Lynch, which has taken 10 billion dollars in federal aid, is seeking a US$10-million-dollar bonus this year, according to the Wall Street Journal. Surely that is a joke?
NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS
BULL MARKET—A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET—A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING—The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO—The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER—What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR—Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST—Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT—When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER—A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION—The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO—What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS—What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR—Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT—An archaic word no longer in use.
What’s the definition of optimism?
An Investment Banker ironing five shirts on a Sunday evening.
What is the difference between a pigeon and a merchant banker?
A pigeon can still put a deposit on a Ferrari.
What can you buy on eBay for $1.
An Icelandic bank but they’ll get you on the shipping costs.
And then there is this one about the Japanese banks from the website edu geek:
Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK , uncertainty has now hit Japan.
In the last seven days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
While Samurai Bank are soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank are reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.
Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
I would love to credit the authors if anyone knows who they are.
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Kate Southam
Career queen Kate Southam gets to grips with all the emotional highs and lows, legal puzzles and human drama of the workplace. No elephants in the room will be ignored.
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How can you tell if a broker is lying?
His mouth is moving and sound is coming out!
Tue 09 Dec 08 (12:18pm)
The old agdage, “if it looks too good to be true, then it is” comes to mind.....
The current events can hardly be unexpected.
When the waiter serving me in our local chinese restauant gave me a tip for the stock market, I knew it was time to get out.
Tue 09 Dec 08 (12:46pm)
Is it just me or are we all getting a bit bored with the whole recession thing already?!
As there is no way the media will maintain interest in the same story for much longer will the new year bring stories of people and businesses turning the corner, increasing sales, adding staff, etc. Will that then be part of a psychological shift that translates into an actual lift in consumer confidence.
Boy I hope so as this is all getting really depressing and as this is Australia we don’t like been depressed.
Tue 09 Dec 08 (12:55pm)
With respect mate, I think it’s just you.
If you’re feeling less than 100% secure in your employment, economic conditions play a big part of the makeup of things “in the back of your mind”.
On another note:
I read elsewhere that one of the great things about all this sub-prime debacle is it’s forever shattered the myths surrounding the elitism of the finance sector.
In the past, we all sorta looked up to these monolithic older gents with their rare timber furniture and ridiculous pay perks.
That tall poppy has forever been cut down, and good riddance. Anyone who makes a living playing with other people’s money is nothing more than a leech. The $$ attached to any particular leech is nothing more than a pointless way of keeping score.
Tue 09 Dec 08 (01:34pm)
I also heard that bad debts at the Fuji Bank had peaked and it’s board was mounting a rescue package for shareholder approval.
Unconfirmed reports suggest that the Boards of both Hiroshima and Nagasaki Banks have imploded
due mainly to merger talks with the Toyota Bank having stalled.
The picture at Nikon Bank is not promising either and if it’s true that negative speculation at the upcoming AGM will see it’s Chairman portray an extended period of doom and gloom.
This will be shuttering if true.
Tue 09 Dec 08 (01:58pm)
It’s never been a coincidence, really, that “banker” rhymes with “wanker”.
Tue 09 Dec 08 (02:08pm)
Dear Sirs,
In view of what seems to be happening internationally with banks at the moment, I was wondering if you could advise me on the following matter:
If one of my cheques is returned marked “insufficient funds,” how do I know whether that refers to me or to you?
Sincerely,
I. M. Ankshus
Tue 09 Dec 08 (02:17pm)
These are classic! Have spent the last few weeks wondering what a bull / bear market really were
I have to admit, that while I am sure that it is hard going for people who have lost their jobs, it is hard to have a lot of sympathy for those who have been on millions of dollars in the boom times, who are having a small reality check to their luxury lifestyles now.
Wed 10 Dec 08 (08:32am)
Another one I heard:
Q: What is the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?
A: The pizza can still feed a family of four.
Is anyone else thinking we’re suffering a sense of detachment from this global economic flu? “It’s only the big Execs. It’s the US. It’s ok, Kevin will fix it” type thinking.
We’ve gone from hearing “tighten your belts” to “spend up big” so no wonder consumer confusion remains.
Wed 10 Dec 08 (08:40am)
Q: What’s the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.
Wed 10 Dec 08 (08:44am)
I don’t understand why people always bag brokers… Personally I have never lied to anyone, nor have I ripped someone off. Working for Mortgage Choice we have ways we have to do things and we’re paid the exact same regardless of the lender so I can’t force someone into a certain product because we’re paid more…
Wed 10 Dec 08 (10:57am)