SNAKE: Shocking is right. Turns out that foxy ninja superchick, Elektra, is one a dem ripply faced Tribbles! At least they found out by KILLING her though. I can’t tell you how many times I left the bar wit a foxy ninja only to wake up wit ripple chin.

LOU: Does this mean Elektra in the movies was also a shape-changing alien, and therefore invalidates them? Because I’m willing to blame a fictional alien conspiracy in order to wipe those films from my brain.

SNAKE: Well if you’re gonna stoop to that, there are probably more efficient comic “events” that you can wish into reality…

LOU: No more Affleck.

BOMB QUEEN: Get a life, pathetic comic nerds. Don’t know who’s a hero and who’s a villain? Hahah! Bendis bending your spandex childhood over the back of a chair with no lube? GOOD! And the best bit? You’re still gonna buy it. Turn your wallet upside down and lap up the spray. Still, it’s about time they got some REAL villains in the mix. All this Civil War, hero vs. hero crap… it’s enough to make you vomit latex. So, get down and give me some Skrull and don’t stop until the climatic ending, honey!

BOMB QUEEN: You GO on, girlfriend! That skinny crack ho skank got balls on her. Sells out her dark skin heritage and says so in a hispanic magazine? You can’t help but love the chick. Like people gonna believe her blonde hair in Fanboy-tastic -Four was natural? But hey, if you’re gonna stir crap then use a big stick, because we don’t want any brown to get on her skin, do we? Oh, wait…. she’s claiming she’s American, not Hispanic. Good thing the government has such high regard for the indigenous people in the country. Why don’t all you backstabbing hypocrites call yourselves American and go live on the reservations? If Jessica Alba isn’t Latino, then I’m not a villain. But like I said, she got balls - because she sure ain’t got tits.

SNAKE: The question now is does she still claim to be an actress?

BOMB QUEEN: Look I don’t care what you cover on this stupid website, but if you didn’t see the MoCCA hype maybe you weren’t invited to the party, dumbass. Don’t fake your indy cred, be true to your calling. Like ME! I’m a villain, I’m not your damn friend, I don’t care if you live or die - but I’m not making all kissy-kissy about it. Fact is you knew it, but blew it. So what? Move on. Potheads who buy stapled xerox lesbian scribble ain’t coming to your pansy ass blog anyway. God I hate losers, grow a pair and stand on your so-called geek feet, then get the hell out of my face.

SNAKE: I talked to the people who handle our book — Division 18: The Union of Novelty Costumed Performers, coming in October to comic shops everywhere courtesy of Silent Devil Inc (and don’t forget to check out our new website, www.division18.com) — and they say its not easy. If you know about the show, its because you’re either an exhibitor or you’ve already got MoCCA on your radar. There doesn’t seem to be much of a push to attract new blood to the show.

LOU: On the flipside, The Big Apple Comic Con, which is sort of a dirt-mall version of a mainstream comics event, took place this same weekend, and there were ads on every comic site, MySpace announcements, and I think even some spam! MoCCA should really look into employee some more blatant methods to attracting people to their show, like we do with our comic — Division 18: The Union of Novelty Costumed Performers, available soon wherever comic books are sold!

SNAKE: I know a guy who went to dat show one time. Said it smelled like a teenager wrapped in dirty socks. I should tell our writer to blog about it over at our new website, www.division18.com.

SNAKE: God bless that girl.

BOMB QUEEN: So when Pop Culture Shock got my bomb threat to lay off Paris Hilton they turn to Pamela Anderson instead? Jeezus. And they copy/paste right out Anderson’s diary? Excellent journalism [rolls eyes]. At least Plastic Pam embraces her heritage, unlike American Alba. But I’ll give the girl credit, strip clubs do bring in the money. And her saggy old ass needs a back up plan, no pun intended. Of course this whole thing could be a joke. After all, this is Pop Culture Shock, they still think “satire” means to sit above other people, and they couldn’t find the subtext on the side of the Red October. I bet they can’t find Finland on a map, let alone get a Lapland joke. Sorry PCS, but it’s Pamela for the win this time.

SNAKE: I don’t wanna knock the guy’s contribution to society or nuthin, but I never got Playboy. All the broads look the same… they’re all shiny and blonde and reclining against a table or some crap.

LOU: Well, I think they’re going for a more artful approach. And the cartoons are funny!

SNAKE: True. But the articles… always about things I don’t understand or can’t afford, or interviews wit whoever’s sleepin in Hef’s guest room that month.

LOU: Well, I think maybe it’s just a little highbrow for your tas–

SNAKE: Highbrow? How ’bout boring. Gimme a Hustler or Penthouse instead any day… now we’re cookin. Soft focus my ass. Those mags are just filthy — the way porno SHOULD be! You don’t know what to expect from one page to the next!

LOU: Like the infamous shots of women peeing?

SNAKE: Exactly! One minute I’m stiffer than a double shot o’ Wild Donkey, the next I wanna puke on my shoes. Anything goes!

BOMB QUEEN: Weak. Like Playboy means anything today? That photoshopped rag can’t keep up with the speed of traffic. Can’t even compete with today’s PG-13 films. Hefner should have faked his death and gone out early. Nobody wants fat jumpsuit Elvis, or caved-in chest Hefner. Look at Michael Jackson’s sorry ass. Should’ve sucked a double barrel like Kobain - die early and leave a beautiful corpse. But noooo, not Hefner. Now the world has to suffer 90 more minutes of this dried log. But Hollywood is stupid nowadays. They do autobio pics and only focus on the “good years”. Nothing about old Howard Hughes. Forget scrambled brains Muhammad Ali. Disregard old Johnny Cash. People only want the young stars, screw the old people (that’s why I kill them). Anyway, Ratner needs work, but this is too much.

SNAKE: …and the costumed entertainment industry has lost one of its greats.

LOU: Ya know, I met Mr. McMahon once, back when I was still wrestling. I tried out for the WWF.

SNAKE: Oh yeah, I forget you wuz a wrestler back in the day. Wha’ dey call you again?

LOU: The Wild Boar. And my finishing move was a diving splash off the top rope. Called it “When Pigs Fly.” I’d still be wrestling if not for a career-ending concussion back in ‘98.

SNAKE: Accident in the ring?

LOU: Coupon Day at Denny’s.

BOMB QUEEN: I didn’t do it.

And why the hell are you reporting “presumed” news? Pop Culture Shock has sunk to the bottom of the goddamn tank. And you got the nerve to come here and bother me, a super villain, just to ask about “presumptions”? I didn’t know you could get a degree in copy-and-paste. I had my people search for Vince McMahon news and came up dry as a virgin. Look, you want some real news, come to MY town and I’ll teach Jon Haehnle and Guy LeCharles about journalism. First off, fix those stupid names. Sound like something out of a Loli manga. Second, bother me again without the facts and my foot will make a WWE story out of you. World’s. Widest. Enema.

BOMB QUEEN: That was also the ending song for the movie, MONSTER - which featured Charlize Theron as a psycho lesbian serial killer. Now it’s used at the end a crime soap opera on cable TV? Serial killer, psycho, crime…? Maybe I should look into this song for myself? Everything a super villain would love. Plus, lead singer Steve Perry’s nose is so long I could use it for a ….. Well, you get the drift.

As for the song’s climb to the Top 40? Hello, dimwits. Sopranos…? A show about criminals? I told you ass bandits if you treat the villains right you’ll get success. But don’t listen to me numbass, go download your Journey song. I’m only telling you the basic truth. Heroes are ignorant attention sluts, people can see right through their fake lies. Always go with the villains, honey - WE make the music happen. But Noooo… you never listen. I should expect as much with your brain activity, I may as well talk to a cabbage.

ROB REILLY: Steve Perry should’ve made an appearance! How sweet would that have been? He could’ve been Assassinated Snitch #2.

SNAKE: The song was fine. What burns my ass is the fact dat the last two years of dis show have revolved around Johnny Cakes, dat brat AJ actin’ like a little bitch, and friggin Christaphu’s sh!tty horror flick. And what the f#@k wuz up with dat kid crappin’ in the showers?! Jeezus H — at least dey ran a tire over dat prick Phil Leotardo’s head. Shoulda’ done da same to dat mushroom chick in Vegas too. Tony couldn’t get to ‘is mailbox widout breakin’ into a sweat… no way he could plant da’ capicola to all doze womens.

LOU: I think the cat was Adrianna.

SNAKE: Shaddup wit da cat. And what the hell was da’ bit wit Meadow parking? I get it, she’s a broad… takes 10 minutes to park a car n’ she still hits da’ curb. But do we really need to hinge da’ finale on dat revelation? It was all build-up. But build-up to what? I’ll tell you what I really think the secret to the whole thing was. I think it was

BOMB QUEEN: Look up in the sky? I’m surprised they can even see her skinny ass up in the air. Have you seen her comic? Rail thin crack whore, probably shooting up under her eyelids.

Smallville? Heroes this, heroes that. Who the hell cares about their burgeoning cast of heroes. I say bring up the villains - and KEEP them! No wonder Lex Luthor is leaving this super hero orgy. Where’s the villain respect, huh? All this reporting of premature hero bukkake when you should be setting up the bad guys. I’d consider watching if they had a villain worth the effort, but as it is now, the only thing they’ll get from me is a letter bomb laced with C-4.

SNAKE: I never got why Superman settled fer dat’ Lois Lane, instead’a shackin’ up wit another superhero like Wonder Woman or Supergirl or dat one from da’ cartoon who could turn into a bucket a’ water.

LOU: I think it’s because he appreciates her humanity.

SNAKE: Hrm… I bet dat’s comic code fer “she’ll get her knees dirty,” if ya catch my drift. I’m gonna go try dat line on Mimi.

Yo, Mim’s — I appreciate yer humanity. Wanna f– SMACK!

SNAKE: Not a social problem in Japan — schoolgirl panties in vending machines.

LOU: Ironic.

ROB REILLY: Steve You mean to tell me that tenticle penises from an other-worldly monster and a teenage catholic school girl isn’t suitable for young developing minds?! Thank god we have our first amendment rights intact. I don’t wanna know a world where a comic that tackles such hard hitting subjects like power rejuvenating rapist demons aren’t held in high esteem!

BOMB QUEEN: If Japan keep this up Manga will be kicked out the convenience stores and sold only in specialty shops. Hmmm…. where have I heard that before? Whatever, look, you folks need to ease off my friends in Japan. They got the child sex honed to a science and as far as I’m concerned more power to them. But I’m not worried, since the books are still importing to my city where crime is legal. However, I’ll sell them right back to Japan’s Yakuza for a tidy profit. I hear Loli manga makes for great reading in those sex traffiking brothels. My gain your loss.

Also, while we’re here… stop baggin’ on Japan already. You so-called bloggers always jumping on the knee-jerk “only in Japan” bandwagon. Anime, manga, culture… whatever. Half of you can’t find Kyoto on the damn map. Start looking in the mirror before looking at Japan’s fascination with elementary school panty shots. Now, are we finished here, or do you still want to push your luck?

SNAKE: Whoa… we’re gettin’ pretty risque’ here. See, some fetishes I just don’t get. I mean how is it even physically possible for a horse or a German shepherd to stick its–

LOU: SNAKE! No… AniMAY and Sex. –MAAAYYYYYYY.

SNAKE: Oh. That’s just cartoons n’ crap. Whackin’ it to that is perfectly normal.

BOMB QUEEN: So this is the great Internet 2.0? Wikipedia dog-earred right on the porn section like the National Geographic African edition in the kid’s library? Yeah, whatever. I hear that Heroes For Hentai issue sold out, too. This is why the city I rule is better than your prudish moral ivory towers. Your puritanical Christian based laws are all lies! You want a real resource? Freedom and information without being ‘tagged” a pervert? Move to my city, where crime is legal and nobody gives a rat’s ass who searches for what. That’s what a solid dictatorship can do for you. Wikipedia is only doing what millions of people are asking. Sadly, the “watchmen” are all concerned over nothing. But you know the saying, “Who watches the watchmen?”