Mercurial Ms Myriad

Help Me Edit this Monster (I'm too brainfried.... and lazy)

   Tue, May 8, 2007 - 10:56 AM
(Suggestions are VERY welcomed. Tell me if I've worded things poorly. Tell me which questions I've missed. I don't care if the thing become ridiculously long, I'll edit OUT stuff later. Right now I'm putting things IN.)
(Feel free to snag this questionnaire and use it/modify it for your own use. There's no need to fill it out for me [though you certainly can if you like] especially since I will be updating and adding more stuff as I get feedback.)

Relationship Questionnaire
(It's morphed out of being about poly and into more generalized questions, but it is geared for a poly relationship)

Please answer these questions as honestly and completely as possible on separate sheets of paper (I've given up trying to guess how much space is needed to answer each question). Feel free to write in explanations or caveats. Answer the questions for your typical relationship and feel free to discuss exceptions with the questionnaire giver. If a question confuses you please write about why it confuses you and answer it as best you can. Multiple answers for one question are completely acceptable.

What do you need most from a relationship?

What level of attention/time will you desire from me?

What level of intimacy do you desire from me?

What level of commitment do you desire of me?

What is the minimal level of freedom you require from a relationship?

What is your primary motivation for being polyamorous?

What fundamental concepts/agreements/dynamics do you expect to be a given in relationship?

What is your most important boundary and why?

How frequently do you typically desire sex?

Do you have periods where you feel "nonsexual"? If YES, do you know what precipitates such periods?

Do you have a hierarchy of importance for your sexual partners? If YES please list the different types of partners and the importance of these distinctions.

How deeply do you wish to be involved in your partner's other relationships? Do you wish to know about their lovers, meet them, befriend them, and/or sleep with them? Why?

How comfortable are you sharing stories about your other relationships?

How comfortable are you hearing stories about your partners’ other relationships?

How do you feel when one of your partners finds a new lover?

Do you want veto rights? (this is where one retains the right to "veto" your partner's potential partners if you dislike them for some reason)

Do you use complete fluid protection with ALL of your lovers? This includes condoms, dental damns, and gloves for all contact that could involve the transfer of fluids other than saliva and sweat. If NO who and what are the exceptions to this, and why?

What is your ideal number of partners/relationships?

Is there a number of partners your partner could have that you would feel was “too many”? If YES please elaborate upon your reasoning as much as possible.

What situations are most likely to provoke jealousy within you? Do you know of any reassurances, promises, or gestures that help stave off jealousy for you?

Is there one sex you are more comfortable with your partners sleeping with than the other? If YES why do you believe this is? How much of a problem is it for your partner to sleep with the sex you are less comfortable with?

Are there any individuals you would be uncomfortable/unwilling to share your partners with? If YES explain why this is.

What are your kinks and, on a scale of 1-10, how much a part of your sex life are they? (if you have none it may be wise to simply return this questionnaire to the giver)

Do you already have other partners? If YES, who are they and what are your agreements with them?

What is the state of your psychiatric health? Are there any recurring issues I should be aware of?

What is your spiritual philosophy?

Do you use recreational drugs? If YES then which ones and with what frequency? Yes, tobacco, alcohol, and coffee all "count" as drugs.

What have been the reasons for your previous relationships ending and what relationship do you currently have with your exes?

Is it important to you that you and your partner agree?

How important is conversation to you?

When was the last time you were tested? What were you tested for? Would you be willing to get a full spectrum STD test now?

Do you have, or have you ever had, cold sores?

Do you have any chronic health issues?

What about me do you find attractive?

What about me do you find unattractive?

What do you consider your worst trait?

How do you deal with stress?

What is your argument style?

What is your sexual orientation? Where do you rate on the Kinsey Scale?

What turns you on - emotionally & sexually?


add a comment
Tue, May 8, 2007 - 11:03 AM
14) How often do you feel nonsexual? Are you feeling that way now?

15) Would you describe yourself as sexually idiopathic? If so, why? What does "plethora" mean?
Tue, May 8, 2007 - 11:09 AM
Wow, for once I didn't focus on sex.... and I should have. I was so focused on defining "relationships" that I forgot these were supposed to be lovers!
Thanks Boots
Tue, May 8, 2007 - 11:40 AM
I like it. I am thinking though that you may have to get serious with some examples of what *you* mean by hierarchy and where they expect you to fall in theirs and where they expect to fall in yours...and also I am betting you will have to come up with some types of partners examples and descriptions to let them know what you mean.
Tue, May 8, 2007 - 11:54 AM
I'm afraid of providing examples because, well, folks mean different things when they say "lovers" and "partners" and I want them to have to try and explain from scratch. The more they have to explain the less likely I am to misinterpret due to inaccurate connotations.
Tue, May 8, 2007 - 12:41 PM
hmm then maybe more of a description of what stuff you want them to express?
Tue, May 8, 2007 - 3:51 PM
Who exactly are you giving this to and when? People you want to sleep with? Would it be on a first date?
Or is this just everyone you know in the community?
Tue, May 8, 2007 - 4:24 PM
Hell if I know. That's the most difficult part of this whole process: when to ask folks these questions. I never know WHO in my group of friends is going to rouse that ineffable libido of mine. I suppose I'll just have to hand it to folks who are already lovers as a way to garner information and help stave off future disaster.
Though I certainly wouldn’t mind knowing these answers for everybody
Tue, May 8, 2007 - 5:37 PM
If you are already in a primary relationship with someone, do you and your primary "come as a set" (meaning that you only engage in sex with others together) or do you each have separate other relationships?
Tue, May 8, 2007 - 5:38 PM
Would it be OK for me to adapt this and use it myself?
Tue, May 8, 2007 - 6:11 PM
Mama D
Yep, anybody who wishes to can go ahead and kipe this
Tue, May 8, 2007 - 8:22 PM
I suck at that when to ask things too. I am sure I err on the side of too soon just about everytime.
Wed, May 9, 2007 - 12:19 AM
2) Do you have a hierarchy of importance for your sexual partners? If YES please list the different types of partners and the importance of these distinctions.

This question is unclear. Do you mean a hierarchy of importance in what I require/want from a sexual partner, or a hierarchical partner structuring based on the type of dynamic you most/least want?

~ Kole
Wed, May 9, 2007 - 4:16 AM
Wed, May 9, 2007 - 6:19 AM
No, as in -which- did you mean.. either or kind of thang. You may get varied answers and not complete ones based on the ambiguity and on individual interpretations.

~ Kole
Wed, May 9, 2007 - 6:54 AM
My answer is still "yes"

Depending upon the person the question could mean either thing, or both. It's not like I won't be able to ask folks for clarification if the answer is vague, but I am interested also in seeing how they interpret the question and I am interested in both potential answers
Wed, May 9, 2007 - 12:16 PM
learning experience...
while i believe it would be fantastic to have potential partners fill this out, i've been working through the questions and answering them myself and am very pleased with the level of clarity i am reaching on my own position. these are really well thought out questions, and having well thought out answers to them ensures that i'll be able to communicate my OWN needs more effectively. thank you!
Wed, May 9, 2007 - 1:00 PM
Myriad, I've gotta say that your list o' questions Thingie came around at the right time for Ms. Love/Sasha. She was musing over the same sorts of ideas recently. Well done, Synchronicity!
Wed, May 9, 2007 - 1:23 PM
yes. a thanks to boots
for pointing in your direction.
Wed, May 9, 2007 - 1:48 PM
I think this would be a great questionnaire for couples who are considering becoming poly to fill out individually and share together - great conversation starter!
Thu, May 10, 2007 - 4:05 PM
i think...
that the questions have drifted away from questions specific to the topic of polyamory - but if this is going to be an all around questionairre, perhaps there should be a question in addition to psychiatric health regarding general health and chronic health issues. not that i think it would exclude anyone - i have a chronic health issue - sometimes it's hard to broach that with people. asking up front about allergies and health conditions could prevent uncomfortable situations down the line.
Thu, May 10, 2007 - 5:54 PM
Yes, you are correct, it has drifted from simply addressing polyamory (but how could one address poly without addressing other relationship issues?)
Fri, May 11, 2007 - 5:02 PM
it all must be addressed. the more i think about it though, and i'm really relatively new to looking at this idea from a "head on" perspective, it doesn't sound like it's any different from the misunderstandings people have when starting any kind of relationship with anyone - poly or not. the desire to clarify the position of all parties involved happens whether or not you are talking about multiple partners. through lack of open communication people misunderstand each other and what each person is looking for in the relationship and how each party defines different levels of intimacy and comittment. i think that the clarity of intent this questionaire can provide is valuable no matter the preferences of the parties involved.
Sat, May 12, 2007 - 4:19 AM
Yes, Yes. Yes, and. . .
Thu, May 17, 2007 - 6:32 PM
I'd move these to the top...

What is your primary motivation for being polyamorous?

What is your most important boundary and why?

Do you already have other partners? If YES, who are they and what are your agreements with them?

Are there any individuals you would be uncomfortable/unwilling to share your partners with? If YES explain why this is.

** This one was never really clarified to me - Do you have a hierarchy of importance for your sexual partners? If YES please list the different types of partners and the importance of these distinctions. Perhaps rather - If you have a hierachy of important traits of partners, list them in order of importance. (I.e. Above all, trustworthy. 2nd - fun-loving. 3rd - sensitive, etc.)
Thu, May 17, 2007 - 10:07 PM
The question of "Do you have a hierarchy of importance for your sexual partners?" specifically refers to folks who "rate" their partners with terms such as "primary' and so forth. I want to know if the person has different, defined levels of relationship, what boundaries accompany that, and how important those divisions are to them.
Mon, May 21, 2007 - 4:18 PM
What fundamental concepts/agreements/dynamics do you expect to be a given in relationship?

This one could be reworded as I have no idea what it means.... *smile*

Mon, May 21, 2007 - 4:22 PM
What do you need most from a relationship?

What level of attention/time will you desire?

What level of intimacy do you desire?

What level of commitment do you desire of me?

I noticied that the first 3 questions are missing "of me" or "with me".
Is there a reason for that ? I guess I would suggest having at least
the first question include "of me" or "with me" and then maybe the
rest could omit that part as it would be implied.

Mon, May 21, 2007 - 4:25 PM
Do you have any chronic health issues?

This is an excellent question ! I usually forget to ask it.

Wed, June 13, 2007 - 10:44 AM
Cold Sores/Fever Blisters - often overlooked in early conversations about STDs because they are oral and often infrequent - they are however transmittable to the genitals and it is disconcerting to have this come up after you have already been with someone. 80% of the population has the virus and that seems to make it okay to alot of people to ignore this particular subject. Just something that came up in 3D recently...
Wed, June 13, 2007 - 9:56 PM
good point
Thu, December 13, 2007 - 3:35 AM
So many questions!
Hell's teeth! If I had to worry about all these factors, I would never have any relationships at all!
My view is that my lovers' and partners' lives are their own. They must do whatever they feel
they must do and must give me he same consideration. I
t's YOUR life and you have to live
it YOUR way. When people stand in your way, even loved ones, there is bound to be some
resentment, a factor that will kill any relationship. Consider your relationships to be like a flooded
river into which you have fallen. If you try to fight the water, you WILL DROWN. Conserve your energy
and stay alert. Support your lovers and partners as much as you can. Give considered, constructive
advice when necessary, but otherwise, stay out of their faces. Meet their other loves and make them
feel comfortable in your presence. A line from The Rocky Horror picture show comes to mind, when
Frank asks Janet what she thinks of his creation, Rocky. Janet says that she does not really like
muscular men, to whch Frank retorts: "I didn't make him for YOU!" If you like their other lovers, get into
bed with them if you must, but no-one is twisting your arm to do so.
Stay cool, stay calm, accept that we are all unique and therefore different. This attitude allows you to look
at life with a less than jaundiced eye.
Some of the questions have application with paranoid, potentially jealous types, but otherwise,
the questionnaire is a monster, as you so rightly term it: designed to make people become perhaps
too critical of their lifestyles.