He says, "I bumped into a guy who used to give me hell at school. He was a bully who always said I wouldn't make anything of myself. I had great pleasure asking what he was up to now. He wasn't up to much. Then I turned around and said, 'This is my wife Gwyneth.' His face dropped and he looked really embarrassed.

We think it's safe to say that — unless he'd been living under a rock in the Cotswolds for the preceding half-decade — this former schoolmate had probably already heard of Coldplay and Chris Martin's marriage to Gwyneth Paltrow. So we prefer to think that he was more embarrassed for Chris than by him.

Coldplay Star Gets Sweet Revenge On School Bully [Starpulse]

Her Absurdesty continues to annoy us. Backstage at the Oscars the other day, Gwyneth confessed to Oprah sidekick Gayle King that "being a housewife...is amazing".

We got our panties in a major twist over that one. However, in the spirit of generosity and sisterhood that defines Hollywood, we decided to give Gwyneth the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps, we thought, we're being unfair to the mom of two. Perhaps our disdain for the Smug Married is getting in the way of seeing her for who she really is.

Or perhaps not:

house·wife
-noun 1. a married woman who manages her own household, esp. as her principal occupation.

As we were saying...

Gwyenth: Being a Housewife Is 'Amazing' [People]

5 results for: housewife[Dictionary.com]

Okay, so her Zac Posen gown wasn't a total fashion faux-pas (it wasn't really a fashion faux-pas at all, we'll admit, although we weren't loving the sideswept hair). But the woman we love to hate did have one Schadenfreude-worthy moment at the Oscars last night: one of her nipples was apparently clearly visible during her presentation of the cinematography award, which was first reported by our friends over at Defamer.

As luck would have it, however, our DirecTV service went out around the time Gwynnie's exposed areola hit the airwaves (damn Nor'easters!). Anyone have a screen grab?

Liveblogging the Oscars: Here We Go Again [Defamer]

From Contact Music:

GWYNETH PALTROW and JACK PALANCE have been voted the worst ever Best Actor and Actress Oscar winners in a new poll...The decision to award Paltrow the top prize in 1999 for her role in SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE topped the Worst Best Actress category ahead of HALLE BERRY (MONSTER'S BALL), HELEN HUNT (AS GOOD AS IT GETS), JUDI DENCH (Shakespeare In Love) and NICOLE KIDMAN (THE HOURS).

See? It's not just us!!!

Paltrow and Palance Top Worst Oscars Poll[Contact Music]

This brief item in today's New York Observer encapsulates exactly why Gwyneth Paltrow gives us the major shits.

Allow us to break it down for you.

1. She can't help but come across as a holier-than-thou, stuck-up bitch.

Paltrow was seated on a couch, and she had clearly been seated on that couch for quite a while. Her willowy form was embedded in the pillows, her legs perched on a coffee table in front of her. She didn't move a muscle when The Transom entered the room, and she declined to shake its hand when offered.

2. She's always perfectly turned-out.

She wore skin-tight black pants tucked into black patent-leather ankle boots and a form-fitting black blazer. (Later, before presiding over a Damiani International diamond auction benefiting the Lodge—also attended by socialite Tinsley Mortimer—the movie star changed into tights, red pumps, a black skirt and a low-cut black blouse.)

3. She's got a stick up her ass.

When the conversation turned to the Hope Lodge, Ms. Paltrow sat upright, exhibiting her famously impeccable posture. "My dad had cancer—that's the short answer," she said, explaining her support of the 60-bedroom facility, which is scheduled to open this spring on West 32nd Street.

4. She doesn't have the courage of her convictions.

The Transom was curious to hear Ms. Paltrow explain a much-hissed interview that she'd given to a Portuguese newspaper last year, calling the British "much more intelligent and civilized" than Americans. But, surprisingly, she said her remarks had been misconstrued.

5. Even in print, she seems pretentious and snotty. Undeservedly so.

"It's ridiculous that I would somehow say my friends here are uninteresting," she said. "My friends here are incredibly interesting." The words seemed to dribble from her mouth. Ms. Paltrow appeared at pains to waste the least amount of energy talking, regardless of the subject. Perhaps she had developed a distrust of the media.

6. She's got an adorably cute daughter.

Ms. Paltrow's Manhattan bona fides even extend to the next generation. "My daughter [Apple] is currently obsessed with these New York guide books—this one about a rabbit named Miffy, and this other one," she said. "She's constantly quoting New York statistics and things. So, you know, even when I'm not here, New York is always with me."

On the Couch With Gwyneth Paltrow [New York Observer]

Our least-favorite smug, snotty, friend-of-Madonna, Gwyneth Paltrow, is announcing that she's getting back into the movie-making business, meaning we'll soon be forced to see more of her mug on magazine covers and read her pretentious statements in accompanying profiles.

As Gwyneth explains to USA Today:

"I haven't done a real part in a long time. I'm going back to work now," she says. "When I had kids, I just wanted to be with them." But doing one movie a year "makes you more interesting as a person and wife (to Coldplay frontman Chris Martin) and mother."

It also makes you richer, honey, but then again, you need all the help being "interesting" that you can get.

So we were happy to pick up the latest issue of The New Yorker today and see that the magazine had devoted an entire 8 pages to our favorite Aussie.

How dismayed we were, however, when we then read an item in the New York Post reporting that last month, Cate of all people, whored herself out by accepting a flight on a private jet from New Orleans to Paris to attend the Armani couture show...and probably pocketed a tidy sum for her effort. All of a sudden, thsi quote from her New Yorker profile made a lot more sense:

"Celebrity is a byproduct. If that byproduct can be hardnessed to the company's name, fantastic."

Granted, Blanchett was talking about her work as an actress and its effect on the Sydney theater company she and her husband are working for, but still. Just tell us a GAP ad isn't next.

Catwalk Cash [NY Post]