Date: Fri, 23 Jan 2003 09:11:04 -0700 (PDT)
From: “Sal” <fixer_sal@xxxxxxx.net > |
Subject: Fuckface
To: ”Gary” <garyxxxxx@sbcglobal.net>

Listen you son of a bitch. You ever look at my wife again and I will crush your nuts. You hear me? You better hear me because I aint kidding. Fuckface.

Sal (it's really me, Shizzy!)

Date: Fri, 23 Jan 2003 15:25:47 -0700 (PDT)
From: ”Gary” <garyxxxxx@sbcglobal.net> |
Subject: Re:
To: “Sal” <fixer_sal@xxxxxxx.net >

Excuse me? I have no idea what you're talking about. Do I know you?

Gary

Date: Sat, 24 Jan 2003 08:34:04 -0700 (PDT)
From: “Sal” <fixer_sal@xxxxxxx.net > |
Subject: Re:
To: ”Gary” <garyxxxxx@sbcglobal.net> |

No you don't know me, fuckface. I live on South Carmine. You know, that big house on the corner? The one that you like to drive by and watch my wife undress in the window. You enjoying yourself you goddamn pervert. You better stop it or there is going to be some trouble. Cocksucker.

Sal

Date: Sat, 24 Jan 2003 17:56:32 -0700 (PDT)
From: ”Gary” <garyxxxxx@sbcglobal.net> |
Subject: Re:
To: “Sal” <fixer_sal@xxxxxxx.net >

Listen Sal, I'm not sure what this is about but I don't know your wife and frankly, I don't like getting emails filled with profanity and threats. I'm sure you have me mistaken with someone else. How did you get my email address?

Gary

Date: Sat, 24 Jan 2003 08:23:18 -0700 (PDT)
From: “Sal” <fixer_sal@xxxxxxx.net > |
Subject: Re:
To: ”Gary” <garyxxxxx@sbcglobal.net>

This isn't a mistake. I got your email from Miss Kirby at my kid's school. Maybe if you actually showed up at one of your kids games, you might see me. I'm Sal. Big guy, brown hair.

Sal

Date: Sun, 25 Jan 2003 16:41:14 -0700 (PDT)
From: ”Gary” <garyxxxxx@sbcglobal.net> |
Subject: Re:
To: “Sal” <fixer_sal@xxxxxxx.net >

Are you Paul's father? I don't think we've ever met but I've seen you coaching. Look, again, I'm not sure why you think I'm staring at your wife, but I can tell you honestly, I have never stared through the window of your house or looked at your wife. I'm not even sure I've ever met your wife. Either way, I don't appreciate the tone of your emails

Gary

P.S I often don't get back from work until after 8pm so that's the only reason I don't attend all of Tyler's games.

Date: Mon, 26 Jan 2003 17:31:27 -0700 (PDT)
From: “Sal” <fixer_sal@xxxxxxx.net > |
Subject: Re:
To: ”Gary” <garyxxxxx@sbcglobal.net>

Gary,

Look I need to apologize. I'm really sorry at coming off the way I have, accusing you and all that. I'm sorry. Sometimes, I just lose my temper because I know how hot my wife is and -- well lets just say we've had our problems. Anyways, I hope we can still be good neighbors and have no hard feelings. Tyler is a pretty good kid. He's a cheater sometimes but he's pretty much okay.

Sal
PS Since we're neighbors and all that, do you mind if I borrow some power tools. I promise I'll bring them right back.

Date: Mon, 26 Jan 2003 21:48:31 -0700 (PDT)
From: ”Gary” <garyxxxxx@sbcglobal.net> |
Subject: Re:
To: “Sal” <fixer_sal@xxxxxxx.net >

Thanks for the apology. Don't worry about it. As for the tools, I don't really have much.

Gary

I'm sure Gary thought he'd never hear from me again. He was wrong.

Date: Tues, 27 Jan 2003 10:25:15 -0700 (PDT)
From: “Sal” <fixer_sal@xxxxxxx.net > |
Subject: Re:
To: ”Gary” <garyxxxxx@sbcglobal.net>

See, here's the thing, Gary. I want to be honest with you because you know, we could be living next to each other for a long, long time. I was a little hurt that you or your wife never came by to say hello and welcome us to the neighborhood. Where I come from that's the greatest insult you could give a person. My wife cried for three days when nobody on your fucking block came by with some brownies or a casserole. What kind of coldhearted people live here anyway?

Sal

Date: Tues, 27 Jan 2003 15:25:47 -0700 (PDT)
From: ”Gary” <garyxxxxx@sbcglobal.net> |
Subject: Re:
To: “Sal” <fixer_sal@xxxxxxx.net >

Sal,

I'm sorry that nobody welcomed your family to the block. That does seem unusual since most of us try to be good neighbors. Times are different I guess. We're all so busy sometimes we dont think of those things. I wouldn't worry about it though. You should have your wife come by Doug and Ellen Spector's house -- I think they get the kids together on Mondays and the parents go out for margaritas. She's really nice if you haven't met her. Sometimes it takes awhile for all of us to know each other and become comfortable. I guess it's like any friendship.

Take care,

Gary

Date: Tues, 27 Jan 2003 08:23:18 -0700 (PDT)
From: “Sal” <fixer_sal@xxxxxxx.net > |
Subject: Re:
To: ”Gary” <garyxxxxx@sbcglobal.net>

Gary,

Yeah, that sounds great, but that doesn't really explain the casserole thing does it.While all those ladies are hanging out at Ellen and Doug Spector's house, my wife is crying her eyes out. She just wants to have a few friends and instead all she gets are perverts driving by her window hoping to catch a peek.

Sal

Date: Tues 27 Jan 2003 11:44:24 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Gary" <garyxxxxx@sbcglobal.net>
Subject: Re:
To: “Sal” <fixer_sal@xxxxxxx.net >

Again, Sal. I'm sorry your wife was so upset. I'm sure it was just an oversight. Our block is actually really friendly and I'm sure nobody is checking her out as you say. I'll say something to my wife -- she usually has a good handle on everything that's going on here. What was your wife's name again? I'm not sure if you mentioned it earlier.

Gary

Date: Weds, 28 Jan 2003 08:23:18 -0700 (PDT)
From: “Sal” <fixer_sal@xxxxxxx.net > |
Subject: Re:
To: ”Gary” <garyxxxxx@sbcglobal.net>

Sure Gary, like you dont know her name. Fine, I'll play along. Wife's name is Estelle. But I'm sure you know her better by her tits that you're always trying to get a glimpse of.

Sal

Gary stopped emailing me after that one. You didn't think I was going to let him off the hook so easily did you?

Date: Fri, 30 Jan 2003 08:23:18 -0700 (PDT)
From: “Sal” <fixer_sal@xxxxxxx.net > |
Subject: Re:
To: ”Gary” <garyxxxxx@sbcglobal.net>

Gary,

I really have to apologize again. I had been drinking a bit the other night and I thought I saw your car slow down outside my house. I am really sorry. Turns out it was someone else. I chased him away with a baseball bat so I'm sure I won't have that problem again. Fucking pervert. Anyway, I just wanted to apologize again. When were those parties again ? The ones over at the Spector's house?

Also, I need to borrow a ladder and a wheelbarrow if you have one. Thanks neighbor!

Sal

Date: Fri, 30 Jan 2003 15:25:47 -0700 (PDT)
From: ”Gary” <garyxxxxx@sbcglobal.net> |
Subject: Re:
To: “Sal” <fixer_sal@xxxxxxx.net >

Don't worry about it. The get-togethers are usually on Mondays or Thursdays. Sometimes the women get together on weekends though. I will tell my wife to give Estelle a call, okay? Take it easy with the baseball bat, if you don't mind. The older kids in this neighborhood are violent enough and we don't want to set bad examples.

Thanks,

Gary

Date: Fri, 30 Jan 2003 08:23:18 -0700 (PDT)
From: “Sal” <fixer_sal@xxxxxxx.net > |
Subject: Re:
To: ”Gary” <garyxxxxx@sbcglobal.net>

Whatever you say, Flanders. Just kidding. So listen, I hope you don't mind me asking but I'm curious what goes on at these neighbor parties. I've heard stories, you know? I just don't want to say something stupid and embarrass everyone. I tend to do that when I'm drinking.

Sal

Date: Fri, 30 Jan 2003 15:25:47 -0700 (PDT)
From: ”Gary” <garyxxxxx@sbcglobal.net> |
Subject: Re:
To: “Sal” <fixer_sal@xxxxxxx.net >

We usually just get together for drinks. Sometimes movies or whatever. One of the women has a book club. I'll make sure Estelle is notified.

Gary

Date: Fri, 30 Jan 2003 08:23:18 -0700 (PDT)
From: “Sal” <fixer_sal@xxxxxxx.net > |
Subject: Re:
To: ”Gary” <garyxxxxx@sbcglobal.net>

Thanks Gary, I'd really appreciate that. Those parties sound great. Hopefully one of those women will remember the casserole this time, right? Fucking wife can't cook anyway. We could really use a casserole. I promise we'll return the dish. I'm really good with returning stuff. So anyway, nothing goes on at these little block parties? I heard about how in some suburbs people throw all their keys in a big bowl and then everyone reaches in to the bowl and whoevers key they choose, they get to sleep with. I know that sounds crazy but I hear it's a lot of fun. Ever do anything crazy like that around here?

Sal

Date: Fri, 30 Jan 2003 15:25:47 -0700 (PDT)
From: ”Gary” <garyxxxxx@sbcglobal.net> |
Subject: Re:
To: “Sal” <fixer_sal@xxxxxxx.net >

We hire a service to plow. And no, the parties are totally legit. No key parties around here. My wife tried to call Estelle but she wasn't home. I'm sure she'll get another call within a few days or she'll say hi at one of the kids games. Also, I hope you don't mind, but I use this email at work and we have rules about email content, so let's just chat in person sometime.

Gary

Date: Fri, 30 Jan 2003 08:23:18 -0700 (PDT)
From: “Sal” <fixer_sal@xxxxxxx.net > |
Subject: Re:
To: ”Gary” <garyxxxxx@sbcglobal.net>

I hear you LOUD AND CLEAR Gary. You really can't spell out what goes on at the parties just in case someones spying on your email. Maybe we can use code words. How about this -- when I say jibba jabba, that means sex, okay. So are you trying to tell me there's jibba jabba going on at these parties? I hope I'm not reading too much between the lines but you sure make it sound that way.

Oh, one more thing. Do you think I could borrow some golf clubs. Just for a week or two.

Sal

Date: Fri, 30Jan 2003 15:25:47 -0700 (PDT)
From: ”Gary” <garyxxxxx@sbcglobal.net> |
Subject: Re:
To: “Sal” <fixer_sal@xxxxxxx.net >

Sal, please don't send me emails like that. No, there are no" key parties" that I'm aware of. I'm sure they're perfectly normal. I just have a lot of work to do. Again, we'll chat more about this at Tyler and Paul's game.

Gary

Date: Fri, 30 Jan 2003 08:23:18 -0700 (PDT)
From: “Sal” <fixer_sal@xxxxxxx.net > |
Subject: Re:
To: ”Gary” <garyxxxxx@sbcglobal.net>

No problem. I hear you. By the way, I have great babysitter that is looking for some extra hours. She's really nice and really great with the kids so if you want to borrow her, no prob. I should let also let you know that she sometimes sneaks her boyfriend over when Estelle and I are gone. I have this spycam set up and I got like three hours of serious jibba jabba going on. This girl is a regular Amy Fisher -- not that I'm admitting I've had jibba jabba with her myself, but this girl is crazy. Let me know if you want to "borrow her."

Sal

Date: Mon, 2 Feb 2003 15:25:47 -0700 (PDT)
From: ”Gary” <garyxxxxx@sbcglobal.net> |
Subject: Re:
To: “Sal” <fixer_sal@xxxxxxx.net >

I'm not interested in any fling with the babysitter, but we actually could use someone which is the only reason I'm responding. what is her availability and how old is she? Again, let me be clear, I am not interested in any kind of monkeybusiness with some babysitter. I just want someone to watch the kids.

Gary

Date: Fri, 30 Jan 2003 08:23:18 -0700 (PDT)
From: “Sal” <fixer_sal@xxxxxxx.net > |
Subject: Re:
To: ”Gary” <garyxxxxx@sbcglobal.net>

You sly dog flanders. Age doesn't matter when we're talking jibba jabba does it. I hope that you aren't having any kind of marriage problems Gary. But if you are, crazy teenage babysitter jibba jabba is just what the doctor ordered! I knew you were going to be a good neighbor. Tell you what, I don't mind if you look at my wife's tits any more. You can check 'em out anytime you like, okay? As your neighbor, my wife's tits are yours, and I'm sure you feel the same way about me. Unfortunately your wife's breast are nothing spectacular, but I'm sure you will make it up to me in some way.

I love living in the suburbs! Now, when can I pick up those power tools?