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Read Shizzy's Prank Email Archives!

Cruel, Cruel Email From Deep Within the Bowels of Slacker Hell

Send all comments or ideas to Shizzy Joyce. These are actual emails from actual humans... plus Shizzy. THEY ARE REAL.  Please forgive us and enjoy!



The Set-up:

Here ya go: part II of my experience as the CEO of Starbucks International.
To read the first part,
click here

Shizzy

 

Date: Mon, 8 Nov 2004 8:30:15 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Orin C. Smith" <OC_Smith@starbuckcorp.com> |
To: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com
Subject: Welcome to Starbucks

Mr Simmons,

I just wanted to let you know I'm back from Europe. It was a great trip despite all the backstabbing and whatnot. It's difficult to hear the Europeans griping about the infiltration of American culture in their cities, but they don't realize in 2 years, there won't be a block in Paris that isn't displaying our logo. Obviously we have to keep this quiet because there would be an enormous public outcry if they realized what was happening. Right now we are buying or leasing future locations under a different corporate name so they won't know the truth until it's too late. This information is to be kept to yourself, of course.

Anyway, I'm sorry I've been out of touch. I am interested to hear the full report on the earlier matters we discussed. Please get back to me ASAP.

Best regards,

Orin C. Smith (It's really me, Shizzy!)
President, Chief Executive Officer
Starbucks Corp.



Date: Mon, 8 Nov 2004 9:46:31 +0200 (PDT)
From: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com
To: "Orin C. Smith" <OC_Smith@starbuckcorp.com> |
Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks

Hello Mr. Smith. Glad to hear your Europe trip was good. I've never been there. As for what we previously spoke about, would you rather I explain it over the phone or possibly meet in your office if you're in town. I'd be happy to do that. Either way is fine.

Roger Simmons


Date: Tue, 9 Nov 2004 11:07:48 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Orin C. Smith" <OC_Smith@starbuckcorp.com> |
To: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com
Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks

Mr. Simmons,

I'm entirely too busy right now to get together. In addition, I think it would raise eyebrows that I was having a closed-door meeting with one of our entry level people in HR. This happened last year and it caused a noticeable amount of jealousy and resentment from other workers and supervisors, who speculated there might be some kind of inappropriate, you know, "jibba jabba" going on. I may have to tell folks you're my nephew if it gets to that point.

Now please, I'm anxious to hear your full report.

Orin C. Smith
President, Chief Executive Officer
Starbucks Corp.


Date: Tue, 9 Nov 2004 09:42:52 +0200 (PDT)
From: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com
To: "Orin C. Smith" <OC_Smith@starbuckcorp.com> |
Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks

Okay, well first thing I should tell you is I wasn't clear on how we left it with the girl from the 5th street Starbucks. I hope it's not a problem but I didn't have a chance to go over there again.

Ms Crisholm was not in her office for several days. I asked a nearby secretary and she said she wasn't sure if it was a business trip or a vacation or sick days, etc. After a few days I asked her assistant who said she was away on business. I acted like I needed to pass on a message from Angie Tweed, my supervisor (which was actually true).

On Thursday she came in and she was wearing a maroon suit with pants. She got a haircut I think. She had more blond streaks then I remember. She was wearing black heels. Her office door was closed most of the time. She walked past my cubicle twice and was carrying a big grocery bag and some kind of decoration thing. Also there was a birthday on Friday and she briefly stopped by and had some cake. I never saw her talking to anyone else except in passing. I didn't see the guy from last week (with the beard) either.

I didn't have a chance to follow her anywhere because like I said she was gone for several days. Then when I saw her again on Thursday, it was just for a minute and then she was gone before I realized she left the building.

Roger Simmons


Date: Tue, 9 Nov 2004 10:22:38 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Orin C. Smith" <OC_Smith@starbuckcorp.com> |
To: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com
Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks

This is not good, Mr. Simmons. Not good at all. I have my suspicions about Ms. Crisholm but the new hairdo says a great deal. In addition, the maroon suit you mentioned is her favorite. She only wears it when she's trying to impress someone. I'm very concerned about this and may need to elicit your help to nip this in the bud.

By the way, if you don't wish to participate in these tasks or help me in this manner, it will in no way affect your job or future here. Just say the word if you're uncomfortable and I will call upon any number of other ambitious people who can take over.

Orin C. Smith
President, Chief Executive Officer
Starbucks Corp.


Now, for all of you who wrote me a note feeling sorry for Roger, I clearly gave him an "out" in the above email. When I got his response, I knew I had found the right guy. I'm sure you would agree.


Date: Weds, 10 Nov 2004 12:49:02 +0200 (PDT)
From: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com
To: "Orin C. Smith" <OC_Smith@starbuckcorp.com> |
Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks

I am fine with the things you have asked of me (at least so far) so no problem there. I will continue to watch Ms. Crisholm and let you know if I see anything else. I did forget one thing from while you were gone. I did see her walk out of the women's bathroom and she was wiping her nose and her eyes were kind of red. For a second I thought she was crying but when I saw her pupils I think that she may have been doing cocaine. I don't have proof, but I thought you might like to know this.

Roger Simmons


Date: Thur, 11 Nov 2004 09:51:32 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Orin C. Smith" <OC_Smith@starbuckcorp.com> |
To: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com
Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks

Fantastic work Simmons! You're a regular Sherlock Holmes. I have suspected drugs for a long time but now that you've confirmed it, I am quite sure. I have to figure out how I will handle this. Please keep on the lookout for additional proof which I can take to the board of directors when the time is right. Do you own a video camera?

Orin C. Smith
President, Chief Executive Officer
Starbucks Corp.


Date: Thur, 11 Nov 2004 21:33:06 +0200 (PDT)
From: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com
To: "Orin C. Smith" <OC_Smith@starbuckcorp.com> |
Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks:

I will keep a close watch. I'm not 100% sure about the cocaine thing but I'm about 90-95% sure. I will look to see if I notice other signs of drug use and let you know. No, I don't currently have a video camera.

Roger Simmons


Date: Fri, 12 Nov 2004 09:05:12 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Orin C. Smith" <OC_Smith@starbuckcorp.com> |
To: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com
Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks

Roger, I think you are going to go far in this company. I like your go-getter attitude and I have no doubt you will do fantastic in the Starbucks corporate world. I want you to be my eyes and ears. Starbucks will not tolerate drugged out employees, despite what you may have heard in the media about the loose hiring practices of our barristas and counter people. If you see or hear any employee doing anything that may harm this company, I want to know about it immediately.

More importantly, If you hear people discussing me in any way --good or bad -- even in jest, I want to know about it. You need to take notes. I want names and I want to know what was said. Try not to call attention to yourself. Maybe you could get one of those digital voice recorders and get everything on tape. I saw one at Sharper Image that looked just like a pen. It was really neat.

Best regards,

Orin C. Smith
President, Chief Executive Officer
Starbucks Corp.


Date: Mon, 15 Nov 2004 12:48:23 +0200 (PDT)
From: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com
To: "Orin C. Smith" <OC_Smith@starbuckcorp.com> |
Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks

I will do my best to watch out for that kind of stuff.

Thanks,

Roger Simmons


I didn't even have to email him again before I got Roger's next email just an hour later. Roger is turning out to be quite the loyal little worker. Notice how he signs his note with just his initials? A regular fucking Sherlock Holmes!


Date: Mon, 15 Nov 2004 1:55:23 +0200 (PDT)
From: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com
To: "Orin C. Smith" <OC_Smith@starbuckcorp.com> |
Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks

Mr. Smith,

Regarding what we spoke about earlier, there are a couple of people in my department who I know for a fact are overbilling their hours during job fairs and other outside stuff. They billed that they worked all weekend but they were bragging that it was only 2 or 3 actual hours of work and they would go back to their apartment for the rest of the day. I have a feeling this is going on a lot at this company. I think there needs to be more controls put in place. Thought you might like to know.

RS


Date: Mon, 15 Nov 2004 12:48:23 +0200 (PDT)
From: "Orin C. Smith" <OC_Smith@starbuckcorp.com> |
To: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com
Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks

That's great. Yes, just the kind of information I need. Rest assured, those people will be fired. Before I am replaced in March, I will be cleaning this place from top to bottom of criminals and druggies. Heads are going to spin and not just from that ecstasy stuff you young people are shooting up into your veins every weekend.

Speaking of apartments, please go ahead and make a duplicate of your apartment key and leave it in my secretaries mailbox. As we discussed, there are going to be times when I may need it for an hour or two.

Orin C. Smith
President, Chief Executive Officer
Starbucks Corp.


I didn't get a response right away. I wonder what he's thinking.


Date: Weds, 17 Nov 2004 20:46:31 +0200 (PDT)
From: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com
To: "Orin C. Smith" <OC_Smith@starbuckcorp.com> |
Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks

Mr Smith, I'm really not sure how to handle the apartment thing because as I said I do have a girlfriend who lives with me. It's just a one bedroom apartment and I'm not sure my girlfriend will be comfortable with this arrangement. I hope you understand.

Roger Simmons


Date: Weds, 17 Nov 2004 22:47:28 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Orin C. Smith" <OC_Smith@starbuckcorp.com> |
To: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com
Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks

No problem. I'm sure I can work around your girlfriend's schedule. I would be there mostly during afternoons, so if she works a regular job, it wouldn't affect either of you. Please put the key in a manilla envelope and leave it in my secretary's mailbox. Thanks.

Best regards

Orin C. Smith
President, Chief Executive Officer
Starbucks Corp.


Date: Weds, 17 Nov 2004 20:46:31 +0200 (PDT)
From: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com
To: "Orin C. Smith" <OC_Smith@starbuckcorp.com> |
Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks

I will try to figure out my girlfriend's schedule but she works weird hours. Maybe it would be better if we met first so I can at least know there isn't a burglar in my apartment :)

Roger Simmons.


Date: Weds, Nov 17 2004 10:47:28 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Orin C. Smith" <OC_Smith@starbuckcorp.com> |
To: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com
Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks

That's a funny joke, Roger. You got moxie. Anyway, if you don't have a copy of the key, go run over to Home Depot during your lunch break and get a copy made.

Meanwhile, I need you to do something else for me. This is VERY important.

As CEO, I do a lot of public speaking and I'm scheduled to do a lecture series at UCLA's business school in a couple of weeks. I've taught classes at other universities but it's been awhile and I'm a little rusty. There's a textbook they use at the school and I'm supposed to talk about it and basically give a more practical approach to the lessons. I would appreciate if you could highlight or underline some of the more important elements in the book. You don't have to read the whole thing but just go through it and mark the important stuff I could talk about.

I don't currently have a copy of the book, but let me know you can do this and I will get you the proper information.

Orin C. Smith
President, Chief Executive Officer
Starbucks Corp.


Date: Thur, 18 Nov 2004 20:46:31 +0200 (PDT)
From: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com
To: "Orin C. Smith" <OC_Smith@starbuckcorp.com> |
Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks

Sure, that's not a problem at all. I've done lecture notes before for a professor I once had. It wasn't a business class but I'm sure I can handle it pretty easily.

Roger Simmons


Date: Thur, 18 Nov 2004 8:47:28 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Orin C. Smith" <OC_Smith@starbuckcorp.com> |
To: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com
Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks

Great. Below is the link to the book on Amazon.com which I need you to order today. It's very important that you read through it and highlight the important stuff as I said. I need you to do this right away. I will reimburse you for the cost of the book and rush shipping.

Link to book

Orin C. Smith
President, Chief Executive Officer
Starbucks Corp.


Date: Thur, 18 Nov 2004 9:46:31 +0220 (PDT)
From: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com
To: "Orin C. Smith" <OC_Smith@starbuckcorp.com> |
Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks

No problem. Should I bill it to a company credit card?

Roger Simmons


Date: Thur, 18 Nov 2004 10:47:23 -0710 (PDT)
From: "Orin C. Smith" <OC_Smith@starbuckcorp.com> |
To: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com
Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks

Roger, what did I tell you about discretion? This is a very simple request. I need you to think on your feet. This is a private matter between you and I and nobody is to know about it -- especially people in accounting. Are we clear on this? Please get that damn book immediately and I will reimburse you.

Orin C. Smith
President, Chief Executive Officer
Starbucks Corp.


Date: Thur , 19 Nov 2004 11:46:31 +0300 (PDT)
From: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com
To: "Orin C. Smith" <OC_Smith@starbuckcorp.com> |
Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks

I'm sorry about that. I was rushing to do something else and I missed that part in your email. I will order the book today.

Roger Simmons


I'm sure you're wondering if the irony of being forced to read a book on business ethics was lost on poor Roger. In one of my more brilliant moves, I not only force Roger to do some much needed studying, but others as well as you are about to discover. That sound you hear is me patting myself on the back. Shizzy rocks!


Date: Thur, 19 Nov 2004 12:22:21 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Orin C. Smith" <OC_Smith@starbuckcorp.com> |
To: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com
Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks

Thank you Roger. This part is vital: after you finish highlighting the book, I want you to put it in an interoffice envelope and have it sent to my office. Whatever you do, don't put your name on it or what department it came from. Just put the highlighted book in the envelope with my name on it. I wouldn't want anyone to know I've asked for outside help with this.

I will need this completed by the end of the week.

Orin C. Smith
President, Chief Executive Officer
Starbucks Corp.


Date: Thur, 19 Nov 2004 13:46:31 +0200 (PDT)
From: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com
To: "Orin C. Smith" <OC_Smith@starbuckcorp.com> |
Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks

It shouldn't be a problem. Should this be a priority over the other stuff we talked about?

Roger Simmons

Date: Thur, 19 Oct 2004 13:47:28 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Orin C. Smith" <OC_Smith@starbuckcorp.com> |
To: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com
Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks

Mr Simmons,

I expect that you can multitask. I'm looking at your personnel file right now and clearly you mentioned you have the ability to multitask. I hope you weren't lying about this as well as the rest of the stuff about your background. I expect you to balance your regular job duties and all the other things I've asked of you.

Orin C. Smith
President, Chief Executive Officer
Starbucks Corp.


Date: Fri, 20 Nov 2004 20:46:31 +0200 (PDT)
From: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com
To: "Orin C. Smith" <OC_Smith@starbuckcorp.com> |
Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks

The book came in this morning. I had it overnighted. I will try to go through it tonight and tomorrow at home since I have a lot to do at work.

Roger Simmons.


Date: Mon , 23 Nov 2004 10:34:28 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Orin C. Smith" <OC_Smith@starbuckcorp.com> |
To: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com
Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks

That's great. I will be expecting it in my mailbox right away.

Thank you,

Orin C. Smith
President, Chief Executive Officer
Starbucks Corp.


Date: Tue, 23 Nov 2004 8:46:31 +0200 (PDT)
From: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com
To: "Orin C. Smith" <OC_Smith@starbuckcorp.com> |
Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks

I skimmed the book like you asked and highlighted what I thought was the important sections. I highlighted a lot of stuff so I think you might want to go over it before your speech. The book was broken down in case studies and I think if you pick a few of those (the best ones are indicated with post-it notes), then you can apply them to whatever you want to talk about in your speech. I hope this is okay. I didn't get a chance to read two of the chapters but they were mostly background/history.

I just sent it interoffice mail. It should be there by the end of the day.

Thanks,

Roger Simmons


Date: Tue, 23 Nov 2004 9:56:28 -0500 (PDT)
From: "Orin C. Smith" <OC_Smith@starbuckcorp.com> |
To: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com
Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks

Fantastic Roger! That's wonderful how fast and efficient you are. Now you can concentrate on the other things I need you to do.

They are as follows:

1. Write a list of all the cheaters and overbillers in your department as well as people you don't think are doing a good job. I want names.

2. Follow Ms. Crisholm in your car and find out where she goes after work.

3. Fire the fat girl(s) at the 5th street Starbucks. Fire any fat girls you see on the way.

4. Spend the day walking through the offices and find all employees with facial hair. Tell them they have 24 hours to shave or they're fired. Afterwards, see who shaved, but fire them anyway.

5. Spend a weekend tailing Ms. Crisholm. Make sure the heater is working in your car. It's chilly outside.

6. Tell my secretary she's fired. I don't have the heart to do it myself.

7. Please write a memo to the payroll department specifying that your salary is to be paid in espresso beans.

8. Enroll in massage therapy school. I have a bad back. I will reimburse you for expenses.

9. Fire your supervisor, but first see if you can lure her into sexually harassing you. Try to get pictures.

10. Show up to my lecture and give my speech on business ethics. At end of speech, drop pants to ankles and shuffle all the way home.


Date: Tue, 23 Nov 2004 10:31:31 +0000 (PDT)
From: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com
To: "Orin C. Smith" <OC_Smith@starbuckcorp.com> |
Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks

Holy shit. Who the fuck is this??

 


Roger is now scratching his head and rereading a month's worth of emails and rationalizing why he did what he did. The fact remains, I OWNED him. A few days later, he did send a short email saying that he had a pretty good idea who I was (one of his friends) and demanded his money back for the Amazon book. I told him it was the best twenty bucks he ever spent, and that was that. End of story. This had to be one of my favorite Shizzifications of all time. I dunno, I either keep getting better or the people at the other end keep getting dumber. I have a feeling I will be entering the corporate world more often during the coming weeks and months. For the record, I love the fat girl at the Starbucks counter. This one was for her.

Happy Holidays ,

Shizzy

Suggestions? Comments? Send me a note .

**Ed. Note: Yes, these emails are real. Yes, we change the names. Duh. Except for some spelling and paragraphing cleanup to make them more readable, the emails are exactly as they are sent and received. Anyone attempting to find some kind of "conspiracy" at BFA have even more free time on their hands than Shizzy.

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