1. The Santa Clause

On Christmas Eve, Charlie Calvin's dad startles Santa Claus, which makes him fall off a roof and die. That is the premise of this family-friendly Christmas movie. This is horrifying. The kid sees Santa DIE, then his own dad becomes Santa, which leads his mother and step-father to revoke his custody because he's crazy and they think he's made Charlie crazy. That's bad enough, but the movie ignores another traumatizing thought, that Charlie probably thought of somewhere between the horrors of The Santa Clause 2 and The Santa Clause 3: the Santa he watched die was probably somebody else's Santa Dad. Try stay well-adjusted with all that in your head.

1. Registrar

   As I'm sure you know, after gay marriage was fully legalized in 2013, there was soon no stopping men and women from marrying both animals and inanimate objects —

2. Man

   Yes, of course. Who could forget the landmark 2016 Supreme Court Case, Holmes and Whiskers v. Church of Christ?

3. Registrar

   Or the subsequent 2017 case, Resnick and Table v. Fairfield Church?

4. Man

   I still remember President Obama's controversial support of Resnick marrying that table.

5. Registrar

   Yes, Michelle gave a terrific speech. Thank Maddow that Vice President Joe Biden's talk show appearance — when he came out in support of people marrying inanimate objects — pushed her to finally evolve on the issue.

Jurassic Park crewmember Phil Tippett's credit has amused the Internet for a long time.

Phil just had one job to do on that movie, but few realize how many other movies he's played a part in:

Titanic

During the Super Bowl this past February, nearly every major commercial featured a prominent, unique hashtag to help "engage social media consumers" and "build virtual brand impressions" and all the other important things that normal humans who speak in normal ways say. As an avid Twittist myself, I know we all instantly rushed to Twitter to use these unique hashtags CONSTANTLY right after seeing the ads, but what happens to these hashtags months after the multi-million dollar Super Bowl commercials have aired?

I went and checked out some of the more prominent hashtags from this year's Super Bowl ads to see who's still using them in late April — here are 10 highlights of my investigation into these desolate graveyards of social media marketing buck$ extremely-well-spent:

1. M&M's – #betterwithmms

M&M's unforgettable, Meatloaf-soundtracked "Chocolate's better with M&Ms" Super Bowl campaign is clearly still having the savvy social media impact they intended:

wondering how many peanut m&m's I can eat before I throw up…? #betterwithmms

— Princess Shanoonie (@Shanoonie88) April 24, 2013

Diarrhea #betterwithmms

— J (@SpottedGorilla) April 20, 2013