Quotes & Humorous Definitions

? # A B C D E F G H I J K L M - - N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z - Definitions - Airport Codes

There's no such thing as a natural-born pilot.
. . . Chuck Yeager

There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old bold pilots.
. . . W. W. Windstaff

Motor cut. Forced landing. Hit cow. Cow died. Scared me.
. . . Dean Smith, in telegraph to his chief

Chicks dig us, and guys think we're cool.
. . . Tom Krizek, Airline Captain

A airplane might disappoint any pilot, but it'll never surprise a good one.
. . . Len Morgan

There are two kinds of airplanes, those you fly and those that fly you.
. . . Ernest K. Gann

There's a big difference between a pilot and an aviator. One is a technician; the other is an artist.
. . . E. B. Jeppesen

Don't ever let an airplane take you someplace where your brain hasn't arrived at least a couple of minutes earlier.
. . . Andy Anderson

The airplane stays up because it doesn't have the time to fall.
. . . Orville Wright

Heard while flying in Holland.
Tower talking to a female helicopter pilot.
Tower: "What's your altitude?"
Pilot: "1000 feet"
Tower: "What's your heading?"
Pilot: "175"
Tower: "What's your speed?"
Pilot: "150 knots"
Tower: "What's your bra size?"

As soon as we left the ground, I knew, I myself had to fly!
. . . Amelia Earhart

What is that mountain goat doing way up here in the clouds?
. . . Gary Larson, Farside

Though it was a place where I could quickly die, the cockpit was a place where I truly lived.
. . . Brian Shul

Never fly the 'A' model of anything.
. . . Ed Thompson

I've never seen an airplane that can read the type ratings on your pilot's license.
. . . Chuck Boedecker

The pilot who teaches himself has a fool for a student.
. . . Robert Livingston

Great pilots are made, not born. A man may possess good eyesight, sensitive hands, and perfect coordination, but the end result is only fashioned by steady coaching, much practice, and experience
. . . Air Vice-Marshal J.E.'Johnnie' Johnson, RAF

If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.
. . . Bob Hoover

A pilot lives in a world of perfection, or not at all.
. . . Richard S. Drury

The only time an aircraft has too much fuel onboard is when it is on fire.
. . . Sir Charles Kingsford Smith

The Boeing 747 is so big that it has been said that it does not fly; the earth merely drops out from under it.
. . . Capt. Ned Wilson, Pan Am

Real confidence in the air is bred only by mistakes made and recovered from at a safe altitude, in a safe ship, and seated on a good parachute.
. . . Rodney H. Jackson

You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.
. . . Paul F. Crickmore, Lockheed SR-71

Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly.
. . . Batman costume warning label

I hope you either take up parachute jumping or stay out of single motored airplanes at night.
. . . Charles Lindbergh to Wiley Post, 1931

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Actual maintenance complaints
submitted by US Air Force pilots,
and the replies from the maintenance crews.

Problem:  Target Radar hums
Solution: Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF always inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Problem: Aircraft handles funny
Solution: Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious.

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180-Degree Turn - A sometimes difficult maneuver to perform; the degree of difficulty is usually determined by the size of the pilot's ego.

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A & P Rating - Enables you to fly grocery supplies.
Aileron - A hinged control surface on the wing that scares the hell out of airline passengers when it moves.
Airfoil - 1. Sword used for dueling in flight. Often used to settle disputes between crew members and passengers. 2. What pilots wrap their sandwiches in.
Airplane - The infernal machine invented by two bicycle mechanics from Dayton, Ohio and perfected on the sands of the Outer Banks of Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. Precursor of the Frisbee.
Airspeed - 1. The speed of an airplane through the air. 2.True airspeed plus 20% when talking with other pilots. Deduct 25% when listening to a Navy aviator. 3. Measured in furlongs-per-fortnight in student aircraft.

Airstrip - In-flight performance by exotic female flight attendant.
Air Traffic Control Center - A drafty, ill-kept, barn-like structure in which people congregate for dubious reasons.
Alternate Airport - The airport that no aircraft has sufficient fuel to proceed to if necessary.
Angle of Attack - Pick-up lines that pilots use.
Arctic Frost - Attitude shown by uncooperative stewardess (also see "Horizontally Opposed").
Arresting Gear - Police equipment used for keeping order at airport parties.
Autopilot - A would-be airplane pilot who flunked his checkride.

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Bail Out - Dipping the water out of the cabin after a heavy rainstorm..
Barrel Roll - Unloading the beer for a hangar party.

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Captain - 1. Any airline pilot wearing four stripes on his sleeve; often found strolling down Lovers' Lane holding his own hand. 2. Decorative dummy often found adorning the bridge of a ship.
Carburetor Ice - Phrase used when reporting a forced landing caused by running out of fuel.
Carburetor Icing - 1. Usually vanilla. 2. A phenomenon that happens to pilots at exactly the same time they run out of gas.
Certificated Aircraft - One that has all hazardous features camouflaged.
Cessna 310 - More than the sum of two Cessna 150's.
Chart - 1. Large piece of paper, useful for protecting cockpit surfaces from food and beverage stains. 2. An aeronautical map that provides interesting patterns for the manufacturers of children's curtains.
Chock - 1. Sudden and usually unpleasant surprise suffered by Mexican pilots. 2. Pieces of wood the lineboy slips in front of the wheels while the pilot isn't looking.
Cockpit - 1. A confined space in which two chickens fight each other, especially when they can't find the airport in a rainstorm. 2. Area in which the pilot sits while attempting to figure out where he is.
Collision - Unplanned contact between one aircraft and another. As a rule, collisions that result in the creation of several smaller and less airworthy aircraft from the original two are thought to be the most serious.
Course - Popular alternate landing field marked by fairways and greens. Curiously, pilots who land here are said to be "off-course."
Crab - 1. A technique used by pilots to compensate for crosswinds, usually without success. 2. Pilot who has just ground-looped after trying unsuccessfully to use this technique. 3. Pilot who has been unsuccessful in finding a suitable landing site (also see "Suitable Landing Site").
Crash - To bed down for the night. What every pilot hopes to do once he has found a suitable landing site (also see "Suitable Landing Site").
Cuban 8 - A family of political refugees in Miami.

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Dead Reckoning - You reckon correctly, or you're dead.
De-icer - De person, dat puts, de ice, on de wings.
Dive - Pilots' lounge or airport cafe.
Drag Chute - Emergency escape slide near copilot's window. Opens automatically if eccentric male captain shows up in women's clothes.

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Engine Failure - A condition that occurs when all fuel tanks become filled with air.
Exceptional Flying Ability - Has equal number of takeoffs and landings.

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FAA - Fear And Alarm
Final Approach - 1. Last pass a pilot makes at the opposite sex before giving up. 2. Many a seasoned pilot's last landing. 3. Many a student pilot's first landing.
Flashlight - Tubular metal container kept in flight bag for storing dead batteries.
Flight Instructor - Individual of dubious reputation, paid vast sums of money to impart knowledge of questionable value and cast serious doubt on the coordination, intelligence, and ancestry of student pilots.
Flight Plan - Scheme to get away from home to go flying.

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Glide Distance - Half the distance from an airplane to the nearest emergency landing field.
Glider - Formerly "airplane," prior to running out of fuel.
Grass Strip - Often performed by exotic female flight attendants while enroute to Hawaii.

Gross Weight - 1. A 350-pound pilot (also see "Split S").  2. Maximum permissible takeoff weight plus two suitcases, 10 cans of oil, four sleeping bags, four rifles, eight cases of beer, and the groceries.

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Hangar - Home for anything that flies, mostly birds.
Heated Air Mass - Usually found near hangar, flight lounge, airport cafe, or attractive, non-flying members of the opposite sex.
Horizontally Opposed - NO!! (Also see "Arctic Frost")
Hydroplane - An airplane designed to land on a wet, 20,000-foot-long runway.

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Induced Drag - When a male copilot is persuaded by a kinky female flight attendant to put on women's clothes against his will.

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Jet-assisted Takeoff - 1. A rapid-takeoff procedure used by a general aviation pilot who suddenly finds himself taking off on a runway directly in front of a departing 747. 2. Takeoff by pilot who ordered enchiladas for lunch at the airport coffee shop.
Junkers 52 - A collection of elderly airplanes that even the FAA can't make airworthy.

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Kilometer - A unit of measurement used on charts to further confuse pilots who already have trouble with knots.

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Lazy 8 - 1. Well-known fly-in resort ranch.  2. The airport operator, his four mechanics, and three lineboys.
Log - A small rectangular notebook used by pilots to record lies.

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Magneto - 1. Spanish for, "What a cool-looking magnet!"  2. Not-very-famous Italian vaudeville magician, "The Great Magneto."
Mode - Term used by pilots in the Lafayette Escadrille during WWI to describe what they had to land in during rainy weather.

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National Airport - Inordinately congested airport in Washington, D.C. whose Potomac River approach was used by Korean War pilots practicing to bomb the bridges at Toko-Ri.
Navigation - The process by which a pilot finds his way from point A to point B while actually trying to get to point C.

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Occupied - An airline term for lavatory.
Oshkosh - A town in Wisconsin that is the site of the annual Experimental Aircraft Association fly-in. It is believed to have been named after the sound that most experimental aircraft engines make.

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Parasitic Drag - A pilot who bums a ride back and complains about the service.
Pilot - A poor, misguided soul who talks about women when he's flying and flying when he's with a woman.
Pitch - The story you give your wife about needing an airplane to use in your business.
Pitot Tube - On long flights, something into which the pilot can pitot.
Prop Wash - 1. Cleaning agent used by student pilots. 2. Pilots' equivalent of "hogwash."
Pylon - All aboard!

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Radar - An extremely realistic type of video game, often found at airports. Players try to send small game-pieces, called "blips," from one side of the screen to the other without colliding with each other. Player with the fewest collisions wins.
Range - Usually about 30 miles beyond the point where all fuel tanks fill with air.
Roger - The most popular name in radio.
Runway - 1. Place where exotic flight attendant starts her act (also see "Airstrip"). 2. Ramp extending from the stage into the audience area at all good burlesque houses in Vegas.

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S-Turn - Course flown by student pilot from point A to point B.
Safety Belt - Drink taken by instructor before flying with difficult student.
Short-field Takeoff - A takeoff from any field less than 10,000 feet long.
Skin Drag - Costume party in San Francisco.
Slip - Apparel worn by some pilots.

Split S - What happens to the pants of overweight pilots (also see "Gross Weight").
Stall - Technique used to explain to the bank why your car payment is late because you spent the money on flying.
Stewardess - A pretty gal who asks you what you want, then straps you in so you can't get it.
Suitable Landing Site - An attractive member of the opposite sex; suitability may sometimes be affected by arctic frost (also see "Arctic Frost").

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Tactics - What the instrument panel clock sounds like when it needs fixing.
Taildragger - 1. An old pilot after a long flight. 2. A young pilot who over-rotates a tricycle gear aircraft on takeoff or landing.
Tailwind - Results from eating beans in the airport coffee shop; often causes oxygen deficiency in the immediate vicinity.
Trim Tab - 1. A device that can fly an airplane better than the pilot.  2. Popular diet beverage for fat pilots (also see "Gross Weight").  3. A soft drink popular among female pilots who like to wear skin-tight red jumpsuits.

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Wilco - Roger's brother, the nerd.
Windsock - Well-perforated item of clothing worn inside the shoe by underpaid copilot who can't afford a replacement or a darning needle.
Wingstrut - Peculiar, ritualistic walk performed by student pilots upon getting out of low-winged trainers following first flight performed without instructor yelling at them. Usually results in instructor yelling at them.