Airstrip - In-flight performance by exotic female flight attendant.
Air Traffic Control Center - A drafty, ill-kept, barn-like structure in which people congregate for dubious reasons.
Alternate Airport - The airport that no aircraft has sufficient fuel to proceed to if necessary.
Angle of Attack - Pick-up lines that pilots use.
Arctic Frost - Attitude shown by uncooperative stewardess (also see "Horizontally Opposed").
Arresting Gear - Police equipment used for keeping order at airport parties.
Autopilot - A would-be airplane pilot who flunked his checkride.

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Bail Out - Dipping the water out of the cabin after a heavy rainstorm..
Barrel Roll - Unloading the beer for a hangar party.

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Captain - 1. Any airline pilot wearing four stripes on his sleeve; often found strolling down Lovers' Lane holding his own hand. 2. Decorative dummy often found adorning the bridge of a ship.
Carburetor Ice - Phrase used when reporting a forced landing caused by running out of fuel.
Carburetor Icing - 1. Usually vanilla. 2. A phenomenon that happens to pilots at exactly the same time they run out of gas.
Certificated Aircraft - One that has all hazardous features camouflaged.
Cessna 310 - More than the sum of two Cessna 150's.
Chart - 1. Large piece of paper, useful for protecting cockpit surfaces from food and beverage stains. 2. An aeronautical map that provides interesting patterns for the manufacturers of children's curtains.
Chock - 1. Sudden and usually unpleasant surprise suffered by Mexican pilots. 2. Pieces of wood the lineboy slips in front of the wheels while the pilot isn't looking.
Cockpit - 1. A confined space in which two chickens fight each other, especially when they can't find the airport in a rainstorm. 2. Area in which the pilot sits while attempting to figure out where he is.
Collision - Unplanned contact between one aircraft and another. As a rule, collisions that result in the creation of several smaller and less airworthy aircraft from the original two are thought to be the most serious.
Course - Popular alternate landing field marked by fairways and greens. Curiously, pilots who land here are said to be "off-course."
Crab - 1. A technique used by pilots to compensate for crosswinds, usually without success. 2. Pilot who has just ground-looped after trying unsuccessfully to use this technique. 3. Pilot who has been unsuccessful in finding a suitable landing site (also see "Suitable Landing Site").
Crash - To bed down for the night. What every pilot hopes to do once he has found a suitable landing site (also see "Suitable Landing Site").
Cuban 8 - A family of political refugees in Miami.

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Dead Reckoning - You reckon correctly, or you're dead.
De-icer - De person, dat puts, de ice, on de wings.
Dive - Pilots' lounge or airport cafe.
Drag Chute - Emergency escape slide near copilot's window. Opens automatically if eccentric male captain shows up in women's clothes.

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Engine Failure - A condition that occurs when all fuel tanks become filled with air.
Exceptional Flying Ability - Has equal number of takeoffs and landings.

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FAA - Fear And Alarm
Final Approach - 1. Last pass a pilot makes at the opposite sex before giving up. 2. Many a seasoned pilot's last landing. 3. Many a student pilot's first landing.
Flashlight - Tubular metal container kept in flight bag for storing dead batteries.
Flight Instructor - Individual of dubious reputation, paid vast sums of money to impart knowledge of questionable value and cast serious doubt on the coordination, intelligence, and ancestry of student pilots.
Flight Plan - Scheme to get away from home to go flying.

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Glide Distance - Half the distance from an airplane to the nearest emergency landing field.
Glider - Formerly "airplane," prior to running out of fuel.
Grass Strip - Often performed by exotic female flight attendants while enroute to Hawaii.

Gross Weight - 1. A 350-pound pilot (also see "Split S").  2. Maximum permissible takeoff weight plus two suitcases, 10 cans of oil, four sleeping bags, four rifles, eight cases of beer, and the groceries.

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Hangar - Home for anything that flies, mostly birds.
Heated Air Mass - Usually found near hangar, flight lounge, airport cafe, or attractive, non-flying members of the opposite sex.
Horizontally Opposed - NO!! (Also see "Arctic Frost")
Hydroplane - An airplane designed to land on a wet, 20,000-foot-long runway.

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Induced Drag - When a male copilot is persuaded by a kinky female flight attendant to put on women's clothes against his will.

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Jet-assisted Takeoff - 1. A rapid-takeoff procedure used by a general aviation pilot who suddenly finds himself taking off on a runway directly in front of a departing 747. 2. Takeoff by pilot who ordered enchiladas for lunch at the airport coffee shop.
Junkers 52 - A collection of elderly airplanes that even the FAA can't make airworthy.

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Kilometer - A unit of measurement used on charts to further confuse pilots who already have trouble with knots.

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Lazy 8 - 1. Well-known fly-in resort ranch.  2. The airport operator, his four mechanics, and three lineboys.
Log - A small rectangular notebook used by pilots to record lies.

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Magneto - 1. Spanish for, "What a cool-looking magnet!"  2. Not-very-famous Italian vaudeville magician, "The Great Magneto."
Mode - Term used by pilots in the Lafayette Escadrille during WWI to describe what they had to land in during rainy weather.

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National Airport - Inordinately congested airport in Washington, D.C. whose Potomac River approach was used by Korean War pilots practicing to bomb the bridges at Toko-Ri.
Navigation - The process by which a pilot finds his way from point A to point B while actually trying to get to point C.

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Occupied - An airline term for lavatory.
Oshkosh - A town in Wisconsin that is the site of the annual Experimental Aircraft Association fly-in. It is believed to have been named after the sound that most experimental aircraft engines make.

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Parasitic Drag - A pilot who bums a ride back and complains about the service.
Pilot - A poor, misguided soul who talks about women when he's flying and flying when he's with a woman.
Pitch - The story you give your wife about needing an airplane to use in your business.
Pitot Tube - On long flights, something into which the pilot can pitot.
Prop Wash - 1. Cleaning agent used by student pilots. 2. Pilots' equivalent of "hogwash."
Pylon - All aboard!

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Radar - An extremely realistic type of video game, often found at airports. Players try to send small game-pieces, called "blips," from one side of the screen to the other without colliding with each other. Player with the fewest collisions wins.
Range - Usually about 30 miles beyond the point where all fuel tanks fill with air.
Roger - The most popular name in radio.
Runway - 1. Place where exotic flight attendant starts her act (also see "Airstrip"). 2. Ramp extending from the stage into the audience area at all good burlesque houses in Vegas.

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S-Turn - Course flown by student pilot from point A to point B.
Safety Belt - Drink taken by instructor before flying with difficult student.
Short-field Takeoff - A takeoff from any field less than 10,000 feet long.
Skin Drag - Costume party in San Francisco.
Slip - Apparel worn by some pilots.

Split S - What happens to the pants of overweight pilots (also see "Gross Weight").
Stall - Technique used to explain to the bank why your car payment is late because you spent the money on flying.
Stewardess - A pretty gal who asks you what you want, then straps you in so you can't get it.
Suitable Landing Site - An attractive member of the opposite sex; suitability may sometimes be affected by arctic frost (also see "Arctic Frost").

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Tactics - What the instrument panel clock sounds like when it needs fixing.
Taildragger - 1. An old pilot after a long flight. 2. A young pilot who over-rotates a tricycle gear aircraft on takeoff or landing.
Tailwind - Results from eating beans in the airport coffee shop; often causes oxygen deficiency in the immediate vicinity.
Trim Tab - 1. A device that can fly an airplane better than the pilot.  2. Popular diet beverage for fat pilots (also see "Gross Weight").  3. A soft drink popular among female pilots who like to wear skin-tight red jumpsuits.

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Wilco - Roger's brother, the nerd.
Windsock - Well-perforated item of clothing worn inside the shoe by underpaid copilot who can't afford a replacement or a darning needle.
Wingstrut - Peculiar, ritualistic walk performed by student pilots upon getting out of low-winged trainers following first flight performed without instructor yelling at them. Usually results in instructor yelling at them.