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Wow. I think we finally found a situation where Paris is embarrassed. Who woulda thought? As far as Paris has fallen from the A-list, she's usually careful not to be photographed with those even lower than she lest some of their loser cooties rub off on her. As recently as a year ago security would have never let Tila near the Wonk, but that was before the DUI, the jail stint, the storage locker, the dogs in the closet ... the CAA Globes party where she was tossed out on her tail. Twice.

Tila, on the other hand, must feel like she's finally hit the big time. In the eyes of a reality whore like Tila, Paris is a veritable legend, the one who started it all with The Simple Life. Tila must have spent all her reality show earnings however, as she had to attend this event in her mother's blouse. And bra.

Can you imagine what these two could grow in a petri dish? Talk about germ warfare.

Has anyone seen the Miracle Whip?

Can you guess which of these three people wasn't born a boy? I'll give you a hint: It's not the legendary transsexual, but may have provided some inspiration.

Actually Amanda isn't a skank. She's been a fixture on the New York downtown party circuit for years and wears some of the most mind-boggling things - if she's even clothed at all - you've ever seen.

Sadly, the same cannot be said for Pam. Her gold lamé swimsuit or whatever it is just brought out the mileage in her. Whatever she's been doing lately she needs to stop. We're not laughing with her anymore; we're laughing at her. Get thee to a rehab, wench!

I'm still not posting that other pictureI was afraid this was going to happen. He was laying it on thick, and the girl really loves him. She's too young to know that he's damaged goods.

According to People, with the help of that world class enabler of illicit activity Diddy, the troubled couple have reunited and are spending time together. This makes her cooperation in the assault case against him somewhat doubtful, which would truly be a shame. Of course, the DA could decide to proceed without her consent, which they sometimes do when a victim of domestic assault declines to prosecute. Hopefully they'll use that option if they have to.

The saddest part of all this is that he will do it again. He'll probably never attend another anger management class now that he's back in her good graces. And without proper therapy he will attack her again the next time he loses his temper, whether provoked or not. Millions of women have been in this situation. There is no shame in making a man pay for abusing you; there is only shame when you don't do anything about it. I'll never be able to look at her the same way again.

Lisa RinnaUh, yeah. Right. And then she tripped over her lips.

Lisa Rinna is not bashful about her body. She better not be, considering all the work she's had done, especially above the neck. Luckily for Playboy readers (Wait - is that what they call it? Reading?) the camera will be focused a bit lower.

At 45, this will be Lisa's second spread for Playboy; her first was 11 years ago, when she was pregnant. She feels she has a much better body now, and her husband, Harry Hamlin, agrees. Apparently ol' Harry's got a thing for freakishly inflated lips - and the whole world seeing his wife naked. Perhaps he feels it's a good return on his investment.

Despite the fact that Lisa's appearance has been drastically altered, she says the rest of us who can't afford a surgical overhaul should be happy with what we have. She said she wants "to encourage other women to be proud of their bodies no matter what age or size." And that'll be real easy with someone like Lisa to look up to. She's more an illustration of what not to do than what to do: the fake bake, the freeze face, the busted implants - you could park a SmartCar between those things. Maybe two.

They're cringingI have to be very careful here, so as not to offend the esteemed Michael K. (love you, baby), but ... damn. Put those things away. If they could hide they would but they can't move. They haven't moved since 1992. The only sag you see is beneath them, like the frame can't hold up those supersize fun bags anymore.

Phoebe is like one of those car wrecks you can't help but watch. There's just something about her. I guess she's done some C-list work here and there (yes, she's an actress), but she's more famous for flagging down the paparazzi on Robertson and begging them to take her picture.

Despite all that, it's kinda hard to hate her. She knows how cheesy she is - she can laugh at herself better than any celebutante. There comes a time, however, when you've gotta hang it up, or you end up looking absurd. 'nough said.