Just take it out for a test drive. No obligation. Cheap at twice the price.

I have watched this about ten times, because I keep finding things to read in it that I missed before. Don’t watch if you hate bad words, and don’t watch with the tender ears around, but it is hilarious for any of us who like to buy The Latest Thing.

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Thank goodness for miracle-working Dr. Pam! She laid her magic hands on my back and within seconds, located the trouble spot and loosened up the grippy muscles quite a bit. She says my pelvis is out of whack. If I had a nickel for every time somebody told me that . . . 

Here’s what is truly sad. I sustained this injury playing Scrabble with Rick. We had the board in the middle of the sofa, and I was turning sideways repeatedly to face it. There was no OUCH moment. It came on slowly after that. 

Anyway. I go back next week for more fine-tuning, and meanwhile I am not allowed to bend or stoop. Which I heard as, “Lay around and let Rick wait on you hand and foot for as long as possible.”

I have so many things to do. It’s sort of Spring here and I have plants to plant in the Vegetable Palace. I have the new Big Red the Landscape Guy Mystery Project to work on or in or ???? Knitting to knit, cooking to cook, dogs to pat on the head. Yet here I sit in my hammock chair, only rising when I absolutely, positively have to. Need to sleep, but I can’t lie down in bed, or get out once I’m in. 

I am holding on until tomorrow morning, when I get to see my miracle-working (oh please!) chiropractor Dr. Pam, who I hope will fix my back so that I can lie down in bed and unfold myself to stand erect. Meanwhile, I am hanging, stooping, and whimpering.

What a surprise! Kate of Jon and Kate Plus Eight is over the dogs. As soon as they moved into their new mansion on several acres of land, Kate announced to the children that they were getting German Shepherd puppies for Christmas. The children shrieked with delight, of course, and soon they set out for the puppy farm to pick out a boy and a girl puppy.

If you have ever watched the show, you know that Kate doesn’t like messes. Gee, who would have thought that a couple of puppies added to a family with eight children 8 years old and younger would make messes? The sheen wore off the pups fast for Kate, who quickly assumed her patented air of martyrdom, which is wearing a little thin these days. She sighs about how they really desperately needed that new home, because they were so crowded! Eek! Does she know how most of us grew up? Remember when a bathroom was just a bathroom? When closets were just narrow little spaces with room for a few changes of clothes? When the “media room” was also the living room, the game room, and the playroom? Kate complained that her laundry room, just steps from the spacious kitchen, is way too small. Maybe if she didn’t have two extra-large washers and dryers in there, it would seem a little roomier.

Wait, I was talking about the puppies before setting off on that tangent. So the puppies came home and started doing what puppies do: peeing, pooping, getting muddy, and eating everything in sight. Within a few weeks, the girl puppy was in the hospital getting a toy horse surgically removed from her stomach. She was sent home with strict orders to make sure she was kept quiet. Pffft! Kate was off on a “business trip” (although in the diary segments, she and her beat-down husband were sporting Tropic Tans) and Jon threw up his hands and said it was impossible to keep the pup from running and jumping all over hell and gone.

Kate says she might like the dogs when they are old and fat and lie still on the floor while she watches the TeeVee. I say, let’s send them somewhere else to live until then.

In other exasperating TeeVee “news,” spurned Bachelor bimbo Melissa and newly liberated Hugh Hefner GF Holly have landed on Dancing With the Stars. I don’t get the name of that show, since there has never been an actual “star” on it. I guess Dancing with Has-Beens and Almost-But-Not-Quite-Celebrities who are Famous in their Own Minds doesn’t have the same appeal.

All I can say is, thank goodness for Sensible TeeVee, like Toddlers and Tiaras, which is on tonight. I sure hope that cheating little witch Hadleigh doesn’t bamboozle the judges to win the 4-year-old division crown.

Or maybe not. 

Big Red the Landscape guy (Not His Real Nickname) has been lurking about again, working on a project that I will reveal next week (I love a mystery). Meanwhile, he has put me to work as a process server. Remember when he turned down Judge Judy? Well, his case is coming to that other court soon, the one with the real judges and such, and he needed someone to serve papers on the defendant.

Ironically, although I have been married to a lawyer for going on 136 years now, I have never been directly involved in a lawsuit. (Don’t get me started on the times I wanted to sue someone, but the husband never got around to it.) All I know about process servers comes from watching the TeeVee, which fueled my fantasies of big men named Tiny serving papers and breaking legs. It turns out that it’s not always that dramatic.

I had to serve a veterinarian, Dr. Evil (Not His Real Name). I entered the office in what I hoped was a brisk and slightly threatening manner, and asked the nice lady at the front desk, “Is Dr. Evil in?” (I am pretty sure I used his real name, though). She smiled, and seeing the papers in my hand, said, “He’s at lunch. Do you have something you would like me to give him?”

After she had a moment to examine the subpoena, she was not nearly as friendly. When I had to ask her to repeat her name and then spell it, she got downright frosty. 

Hey lady, don’t blame me, I’m only the messenger. You’re lucky they didn’t send Tiny.

You know that chain of stores that sells the awesome and oh so expensive dog treats? Three Dog Bakery? Well, you can give your very own little darlings some of those pricey munchies without spending a fortune, because they made a cookbook so that you can whip up some doggy goodness right there in your own kitchen. 

I haven’t actually made any of the recipes myself,* but I can tell you that my pups absolutely LOVE that book! 

I have the evidence right here:

*That’s not true; I have made some of the recipes. The joke works better if I lie.

If these kids can’t make a go of it, what hope is there for the rest of us?

I just can’t believe that Hef and the girls are breaking up. I thought they were a “forever” couple, er, quadruple. I feel sorry for the youngsters who looked up to them and now can’t believe in True Love.