Malaysia

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مليسيا
United Democratic Bribery States of Malaysia
Malayzia Bitch! Now get out of my car!
(Flag) (Coat of Arms)
Motto: Malaysia, truly the asshole of Asia (No Jews, No Niggers)
Anthem: Negarakuku by Namewee
Image:LocationMalaysia.png
Capital Singaypoh
 Previous capital Tokyo
Largest city City Nurhaliza
Official languages Rojak which consists of Malay, Chinese and English.
Government Stereotipycalism/racism/Fascism
 - Paramount Ruler
- Prime Minister
- Head Of State
- President
Sultan Mizan Zainal Abidin
Abdullah Ah-MAD BAD-awi
Mahathir Moha-MAD
Anuar I-Bra-Him
  National Carp Plotong, Beroktua, KiaNasa
  Major exports Durian, Jihad Terrorist, Quran, Moral Book, Pirate VCD & DVD, Smatijoves, Pork, Water, Sewage (to Sinkaypoh ONLY), Cooking Oil, Condom, Hand gloves, Belacan, Nasi Lemak
  National Icon KLCC, Toll, Duit Kopi, Unlawful Taxi Driver, Roadside Rubbish, Dirty Rubbish Bin, Polluted River and Beach, Vandalism, Snatch Theft, Double Parking and Dirty Toilet.
National Hero(es) Mawi, Mat Rempit, Kerisman, Cicakman, Orang Utan, Ah Seng, Ah Long, Ah Beng, Mamak, Macha, Gay 'Astronut'
Declaration
of Independence
If it's a Malay problem, it's a national problem; If it's a Chinese problem, it's a racial problem; If it's an Indian problem, it's not a problem.
Currency Ring-It
Religion I-Slamit, Rempit-mic, Rasuah-mic, Bogel-internet, Ayah-Pin, Mawi, Racism
 Population 26 million and 1.5 billion (Indonesian and other immigrants)
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Malaysia.

Essentially the penis of Asia which is located to the north of their cousins who live on an even smaller island Singapore, Malaysia (also known as Bolehland) is a young nation of diverse cultures and races such as F1 Formula-1 and Nascar. The timezone of Malaysia is unique because it follows the system of +1/+2 PMT (Predetermined Meeting Time) which is 1 or 2 hours later than PMT. Most foreigners have difficulty adjusting to this new timezone as they tend to show up 1 or 2 hours earlier than the local counterparts. The nation is moving forward with a vision towards becoming a developed nation by the year 2020, 3030, 4040 or whatever catchy number.

Malaysia is made up of 13 states namely Selengor, Kedoh, Police,Thengganew, Kelentoh, Berak, Pening, Sembilan, Malacrap Johor Balu (just north of Singkaypoh), Sabah, Sarawek (which are essentially Malaysia's eastern colonies). The three federal territories Kuala Apek, PuteraUmno and Lawak don't count as states since they're too small anyway, like Canada. Another common state that Malaysians have is denial (no lah, where got?), which incidentally, is a river in Egypt.

Contents

History of Malaysia

Main article: History of Malaysia


Language : Rojak

Malaysians uses Rojak Language, also known as Bahasa Rojak. Rojak language is an integrated language where everyone can speak or also regard as the World's International Language. It consists languages of Malay, Chinese, Tamil, English, Japanese, Spanish, French, Hokkien, Thai, Elven, Orc, Pokemon, Digimon, Mars, Venus, and many more. With that, anyone can communicate with anyone at all without needing to know more than 1 language. This also comes in handy when traveling, you don't need to know their language, use Rojak Language and messages can be conveyed effectively.

The best thing about Rojak Language is that, it is so simple. The grammar law is easy to follow.

No Sweat Lah!
No Sweat Lah!

Law:

  • Add "Lah" in the end of every sentence. Bob your head when doing that.
  • Use "maybe", "can", "dunno" extensively.
  • Each sentence must consist of more than 3 dialects/languages.
  • If you dont know what to do next just say "OK" and nod your head.
  • I am too lazy to add.


Sentence Examples:

  • "I wan to eat Coke."
  • "All your base are belong to us lah brother"
  • "Orang tu kawaii lai de"
  • White person:"What is your soup of the day?"Malaysian:OK.

Useful and Common Phrases

  • Hello/Hi - WASSUP BRUDDER LONG TIEM NU SEE
  • GoodBye - Aiyah no time talk liao baibai
  • Where's the toilet? - Oi kawan, where jamban?
  • Let's have sex - I wan rape you can ah?
  • Are you a hooker? - Satu malam berapa?
  • Why did you kill my cow? - BODOH! Ay Fookin ke you Lemak!
  • I will have your daughter's hand in marriage. - Tandas! Tandas! Tandas!
  • One Cheeseburger and a large coke - Oi TAUKEH, burger and cola kasi satu!

Ethnic composition

Population structure of Malaysia in 2006 as follows: Malay (60%), Chinese (23%), Indians (10%), Orang Asli (5%....go figure why), Caucasians (1%). The rest are Pakistanis, Burmese, Nepalese, Hobits, Arabs and some Aliens and rapists. Black people are not welcome. Being black in Malaysia carries a mandatory death penalty and every black entering the country will get arrested and hanged within 3 hours.

Iban are so technologically advanced race that they stay deep inside the jungle. They gave name to IBAN number in banking (Iban number is the number of Iban workers working in a bank). Malaysians do not speak of Ibans anymore because have changed they name from Iban to Kelabit (pronounced Club IT). This is to show their devotion the technology.

Kadazans/Dusuns consisting only 3% of total population are slowly being known to have great talents with participations in more than half of available reality tv singing competitions. They however will never get any record deals and continue performing in low-paying cultural shows.

Hypocrisy is the most important part of national culture and any person who is not a hypocrite is labeled a terrorists. Terrorists supposedly make up 2% of country's population, although their existence has yet to be confirmed.

Ethnicity is such a big issue in Bolehland that it is one of the only countries is the world that require information about your "race" when you sit for a national exam. The Minister of Education of course denies any favouring towards the Malays but everyone knows that if you are non-Malay, the job of marking your paper will be outsourced to another country, usually to Zaire, Chile, Guatemala, Imaginationland, and Krakozhia(The place where Tom Hanks came from in the movie "The Terminal").

Still, the Malays are generous enough to do extra badly in the exams and thus end up with marks lower than the Chinese or Indians. How noble of them. But they later regret not being able to make good money and so they take on jobs that allow them to "feel" the money in their hands, if only for a little while. Examples are toll booth attendants, Fast food restaurant cashiers, and those people that sit in front of public toilets to collect 20 cents per toilet entry, plus another 20 cents for toilet paper (unfortunately the job title for such a role escapes me).

National Culture

Main article: Culture of Malaysia


Malaysia Economy

Malaysia exports a lot of rubber to countries around the world. All thanks to the hard work of the heroic rubber tappers summoning up courage to face the occasional 'pontianak' or 'momok' frights as well as countless attacks from cobras, Polar Bears and Hamsters.

Another source of income is from pirates. There are usually two types of pirates in Malaysia: "Yarrr ye mateys! Get 'dem DVDs out an sell'em befere those darned police send us and our jolly ship ta' Davy Jones Locker! Arrrr!", or "Avast there! Thar she bee... a fyne ship from Hong Kong laden wit sweet Sony DVD players! Board her and seize tha booty! Start thee Yamaha engines and load thee canons, ya scurvy mongrels! Yarrr!"

Main Malaysian export product is brains which is taken from todays brightest minds of Malaysian youth. Brains are exported to countries such as UK, the US and Australia through institutions called private colleges. This is a serious problem for Bolehland because while this ensures that Malaysia would be free of the 'undeserving immigrant Chinese', it also makes Malaysian graduates stupider in average (because the smarter, job-competent one's have ran away). Efforts have been made to create brain plugs in our rivers, thanks to their stupid social contract signed more than half a century ago.

Main Malaysian import is China-made porn, which is strangely consumed by Malaysian buyers in pasar malams.

Food and Popular Attractions in Malaysia

The fact that the north and south poles are melting does not concern Malaysia since it's located at the equator and although half the people are smart enough to actually realize that they'd never see snow, some of them still tend to dress up with thick coats as they believe hot is cold and cold is hot.

Indian or Mamak food is wildly famous throughout west Malaysia. While ordering, customers must turn words backward like a normal Ice Tea will be known as 'Teh Ais', if u were to say 'Ais Teh' the waiters will not be able to tell what you're trying to say thus they hold small meetings and signals to begin guessing the customers requests. When ordering the local favourite drink - a mixture of Horlicks, Milo, Coffee and Tea, just ask for 'LickMyKoTeh'. Do remember that since Malaysia is a fucking hot place, most people prefer to dine out in open space, as the mamaks will of course place chairs and tables on outside their shops. This gives an extra good excuse for the local municipal officers to take bribes during raids because of traffic congestion causing, and very good practice for those who haven't tried real life carmageddon.

Another widespread culture would be that the food be halal or else the Malays will not eat it.

Among the few famous Attractions of Malaysia would be the Nasi Lemak which consists of white rice which is supposed to be cook with Lemak(Fat, from dried coconut fruit meat, not anymore due to unknown reason), chicken and a local sauce which is made by grinding the clitorides of goats and have them boiled overnight add some cheap shells from rotten seafood(Caution: Highly flammable, mild skin irritant, do not use near fire or flame, keep out the reach of children). This delicacy helps stimulate your tongue muscle as u savor it's spicy and tangible flavor.

Another yet so called famous spot for tourists would be the islands where people around the world flock just to see a few turtles crawling on the beach half dead after swimming through the polluted seas. The tourists seem to like pretending they've never actually seen turtles before.

Barbarism is also a local delicacy where the locals rob and murder foreign tourists. It is a must for tourist in malaysia to carry weapons because the locals tend to practice their rape culture on foreigners to welcome them. They are essential especially when they are surrounded by transexual hobos off P.Ramlee road.

Tourists start with 1000 score. For each hobo they kill, they get 20 points and each time a tourist dies, he loses 30 points. Finally with the points collected, they can exchange for gifts at uncle Lim's theme park free gift exchange counter.

Every year around 3000 foreign tourists die from zombie infection and so far no locals has been killed or caught. Left in the wild, experts estimate that the barbarians will eventually outnumber the tourist in a ratio of 82039:1 where the tourist have to deploy atomic bombs and nuke the city just to collect the miserable 20 points.

Tourists will be amazed from many of Malaysia's outstanding buildings and services. To name a few, we have KLCC the tallest vacant building, that shaped like two corns, in the world, KL Tower, the tallest concrete lollipop in the world (some say circumcised concrete penis), KLIA the most beautiful Japanese airport, KTM the slowest train service, Smart-ASS tunnels that supply Kuala Lumpur with floods of water (literaly) and E-Village, the Hollywood of Malaysia (cancelled). YES they are all in Malaysia! Best of all, they are listed in the "Places You don't Wish to See Before You Die" TV Programme.

7 Wonders of Malaysia

1. The Happy Penis Palace: Known in Malay as Istana Zakaria. The only building built with no approval and unpaid assessment fees that is not demolished and sealed. The owner is the first bankrupt to be able to own a palace.

2. The 'Bocor' Parliament: The unique feature is its ability to ‘leak’ away billions of taxpayers money while the guardians of the nation stood there all wet.

3. The 'Unhaunted' Kuching Prison: The only $600M prison in this world that is free of haunted stories and encounters. Reasons No execution was done here before. In fact no prisoners were held in here. There are also no concrete walls with barbed wires to contain souls - both dead and alive. Maybe it can qualify as the first imaginary prison built with real money.

4. Paya Indah 'Wasted' Wetlands: The nation’s premier eco-tourism park holds the record in the category of attracting more lawyers with litigation than tourists with binoculars.

5. STUPID Tunnel: Uniquely design to alleviate floods. When completed, it does everything except alleviate floods.

6. ‘Disconnected' Cyberjaya: The one and only high tech city in the world that offers limited or no internet connection to its residents.

7. Crooked 'Crooked' Bridge: The most crooked bridge in the world dreamt by the most crooked person in the world. Too bad it was abandoned; otherwise it will make it as one of the wonders.

The Malaysian National Service (PLKN)

Malaysia is the only country with its own style of National Service which is not base on military conscripting. Yet, there are at least 1 death every year due to this program. Weird huh?

PLKN is military training and sex education in a single package. Each year there is at least one person who got his cherry popped (anally violated to be exact). During the course the trainer will often rape the trainee or vice versa. The males are always the victim - why the girls are somehow spared is unknown.

The Malaysian National Service has been arranged into several modules:

  1. Physical Module: Produce military teams to invade another country. 1st target Communist Singapore, then Indonesia, and finally the evil USA. Malaysians are trained to use keris and C4 to kill civilians.
  2. Character Building Module: Build up character to cheat tourists, bribe people, snatch handbags, mat rempit, spit on the floor, lead UMNO, etc...
  3. Gay Education Module: Malaysia's attempt to halt the raping and turn it into a formal training session. This only applies to male dorm when it is night time. The only activity they can do is Gay Party!
  4. Lesbian Education Module: Under planning.
  5. Community Service Module: Where the trainees are treated as slaves for cleaning sewage, moving large concrete to a construction site, pushing stones, BURN rubbish, and loiter around the village showing off their uniform.
  6. Suicide Bombing Module: Cancelled due to lack of volunteers from non-Muslim trainees.

Smatijoves

For the big one with all the pretty little paragraphs, see Smatijove.

Tourists who actually want to travel to Malaysia must prepare themselves for the evil cult tradition known as smatijoves. Everyone must eat one at 11 o clock every 12 hours or otherwise the demon entity Smataja will invade their household and rape and kill the rest of their family.

Smatijoves were the cause of the infamous Bread War with America in the 80s. Many lives were lost, and the smatijoves in question were banned across the world (except in the Netherlands). This caused an uprising of smatijove terrorists and extremists that still grow in number today.

Captain Nail Rockfist, American veteran of the Bread War said "It was total carnage. The enemy to the left, my buddies to my right all bombed by smatijove warriors. My best soldier, Private Wimpy Kershaw, was found dead in a pool of his own stagnant blood. Well we thought it was blood but it turned out to be blackcurrant jam again which infuriated me. Still, it was rather tasty. Fancy a jar?" In contrast, Former enemy soldier and smatijove campaigner Warrick Rocking Bling of the Malaysian army said "DIE! DIE!!! KILL ALL THE UNBELIEVERS! SMATAJA WILL RISE AND TAKE YOU TO ALL! YOU'LL BE SORRY! HAIL SMATAJA! WE LOVE HIM! YOAOAOAOAOOOOO!!!"

If you ask me, they're all nutjobs. The next Bread War will take place in London, 2012 to 2016 and the third one will happen round about 2063 three years prior to the creation of the BFG.

Transportation In Malaysia

Note: When parking your car, please make sure you can block the entire street.
Note: When parking your car, please make sure you can block the entire street.

The best way to get around Malaysia is by car. This is because the petrol is dirt cheap. Car in Malaysia is the cheapest in the entire universe. Even the Sing-gay-poh-rian have to drive all the way north to JB just to refill their tank for half the price compared to their own minute country. This proves that Malaysians are rich and not poor unlike what the Western Media says. Chinese Malaysians will spend insane amounts of money to buy numbers like 1,5,7,8,9, and the letter C for their license plates and the recent most expensive car plate number starting with TAN XXXX cost RM200,000 (Yes, five zeros behind im not kidding but RM200,000 is worth USD 0.01). This brings good fart and protection from God when doing stunts like following a petrol tanker at 0.005463 meters and at 80kmh, driving at the speed of light, and overtaking dangerously. If accident happens, it means you didn't have enough number 8 on your license plate... so bad luck for you, lor!

Public Transport

If you want to take a bus, you must go to the central bus terminal in Kotor Raya. There is also a monorail available, but it only goes from the mall to public restroom.


Highways and Lowways (and their friggin' tolls all the way)

Mr. Semi Value (who is supposed to be in Lunas but nowhere to be seen there, strange) is the one contributing to all the tolls around the tapioca-shaped country. All he needs to do is just say "We need tolls. Lots of them." and SWISH, tolls will pop up like toadstools (not mushrooms, because they were all kidnapped to some game with some lunatic plumber in it; who is actually Josef Stalin in disguise) after the bloody monsoon rain. Mr. Samy(an apprentice of Donald Trump-the hair oh the hair!!!) is now officially worshipped as The Satu, with his temple built in Lunas (as expected) in order to commemorate his efforts to conquer the Highway Maytricks, but he's still nowhere to be seen in Lunas. And strangely enough, ANY kind of road is suitable to become a Highway, including those roads that are nicknamed 'Ulu-Ulu Road' (though it's much more suitable to be called a Lowway but crap, this is Malaysia and Malaysia Boleh!). A road made for cows to walk on will suddenly become a highway within a day, and there will be tolls every 5 KM on it for some apparent reason left for everyone not stupid enough to figure it out. It is widely believed that Malaysian highways will improve significantly, as soon as someone figures out a way to keep Singaporeans from crossing the border and acting like they are in the Monaco Gran Prix.

Mr. Semi is also well known for his creation of a recent landmark in Malaysia - specially cracked MRR 2 bridge in Kepong. Local tourism soared since then, tourists from all over the world drop by to admire at our engineering at its best - how to design a cracked bridge that everyday commuters can use unsuspectingly and this is very good news in conjunction with Visit Malaysia Year 2007. Which is why Malaysians are encouraged to pay more tolls to sustain this development with the recent 700% increment in toll rates. This also sparks a new era for Malaysian construction industry, they can now replace conventional dull and unattractive concrete with the one with cracks all over to make it not so eye sore. This saves costs for the taukehs and datuks and their extra duit kopi can now be spent on their new BMWs (Be My Whores) or bungalows that will show Malaysia is just like a first world country.

Vehicle purchasing schemes are super-flexible in Malaysia. You can purchase a vehicle and opt for no signal lights, fixed high beam headlight, no wiper, reconditioned lorry horn unit for optimum performance and few others. Schemes are revised yearly by Proton and Pro-Duck, the two national car bakers, to suit market demand. Failure to use blinkers and sudden lane change when driving is not an offense. Pedestrian failing to see oncoming vehicle and getting hit can be charged in court.

Jam Industry

One of Malaysia's famous side-products is the traffic-flavored jam. Thanks to the local government who molded roads in strange various ways, it is deemed common to find the production of this uniquely-flavored jam at any part of this monkey half-island, and normally between the twin peak hours of morning and evening (which is determined by the position and angle of the Twin Peak Towers on the surface of Earth against the Moon and the Sun and the whole universe whaddaheck). Unfortunately the government wasn't genius enough to think of the idea of exporting this kind of jam, because the only market they'd thought of is the local market. The phrase 'stuck in a jam' normally refers to the local people who enjoyed bathing in the jam and honking all around to exclaim how tasty the traffic-flavored jam is. Surveys report that quite a number of tourists enjoyed this jam more than the Durian (which was actually the main material to make stinkbombs used during the Holy Party Wars and the upcoming Neighborhood Wars), in which they will go around expressing their delight with 'heart-felt swearing'. Despite its growing popularity, it remains second best behind the controversial Blackcurrant concoction used to make smatijoves. Oh well, that's all you can really say about them anyway. walaoeh

Accidents

If you happen to see a car hit a motorcycle, quickly stop your car and stand there to watch to see whether the biker died or still alive. Make sure you join the crowd, watch and talk nonesense as if you care and willing to help. Don't call an ambulance - they won't arrive in time and besides it's not that you really care.

Those who won't stop their cars can always slow down and irritate the rest of the drivers behind you. You may stare at the dying victims and say "Waaa nowadays very dangerous, drivers are so careless..." and then drive away with no sense of sympathy whatsoever. You MUST do this, otherwise you are not Malaysian.

Last but not least make sure you copy down the number plates for 4D - the more serious the accident the better. The best number is from a car who hit a pig and crashed into a muddy hole filled with angry crocodiles and exploded killing a masjid imam nearby. This ensures 100% win in a lottery.

Sports and Games played in Malaysia

1. Badminton

2. Soccer

3. Squash

4. Suntik-go-Round

5. DotA

6. Counterstrike

7. RO

8. Maple Story

Main article: Sports and Games of Malaysia


Politics of Malaysia

Barisan Nasional: The party that rulez this country. THEY'RE IN UR GOVTZ RULING UR COUNTRYZ.
Barisan Nasional: The party that rulez this country. THEY'RE IN UR GOVTZ RULING UR COUNTRYZ.

In Malaysia, politician groups are known as parties. This is because they love to party all day and night while ignoring their responsibility in attending parliamentary meetings. They think it is easier to brainstorm for solutions to develop the country suck more taxpayer's money while they are outdoors drinking beer, dancing to dangdut and fucking 'anak burung'... burung apa??? burung murai... burung apa??? burung murai... burung apa??? burung murai... in Damansara, than just sitting still for hours in the boring Parliament staring at the Agong's face.

Malaysians have a responsibility when the election comes. In a nutshell all they have to do can be summarized in 3 steps: 1 - Enter the voting booth. 2 - Mark the left box. 3 - Leave.

There is absolutely no point in even thinking about which party to represent themselves. Both left wing and right wing parties are inept and corrupt. And since their lives are not broken for the time being, why should they fix it?So they just vote the default ruling party on the left box and leave.

  • BN The ruling party, BN stands for Barang Naik and it has the same meaning as UMNO (U Make Noise Only). In BN there are another two parties that support the government that is MIC which also could be called as Malaysian Incest Community, and the MCA that is Malaysian Coward Association. Slogan: VOTE FOR BN OR ILL FUCKING KILL YOU, MOTHA FUCKERS. Slogan 2: VOTE FOR US OR WE'LL USE THE ISA AGAINST YOU, ALL OF YOU@!$#@!
  • PAS PAS which stands for Party Ajaran Sesat or Pakistani, Afghan and Saudi party are a bunch of cave Malays who idolize the Middle East up to the tiniest detail. They inspire to turn the whole of Malaysia and it's people into a 7th century desert country, so that everybody can do the belly dancing while smoking hashish and dyeing their hair with camel pee.
Party members brainstorming.
Party members brainstorming.
  • DAP Die American Pigs. Gained fame during the trend of anti-Americanism a few decades ago. DAP is widely recognized by their unique flag design, that depicts a SCUD missile angled to hit New York from Kuala Lumpur. After overthrowing the original leader, the party members adopted a different ideology but retained the same name and the flag because it looks really badass or gempak habis. The current slogan of DAP is "Malaysia for Chinese Malaysians" (apparently an embarrassed DAP fanatic have came upon this page and tried to remove the word "Chinese",but several thousand reverts later he gave up and just censored it instead). They almost had Malaysians fooled to think that they are the true champions of genuine democracy, but it turned out they are just a Chinese version of UMNO.
  • KeadilanAfter getting kicked out of UMNO, Anuar's wife founded the Parti Keadilan, which means fairness. It strives to have fair share of duit kopi, government benefits, young Malay girls and AP royalties that UMNO almost exclusively enjoys. In a nutshell, Keadilan is just a whining Malay bitch version of UMNO, pretending to be against corruption and injustice. But we all know that once you go UMNO you never go back. Hmm that doesn't rhyme well....

Voting for opposition parties is totally pointless. Not only that they are just as stupid as BN, but also if you are found promoting opposition party ideologies, criticize the government too much or question the concept of Ketuanan Melayu, you will be jailed without trial under the ISA or also known as the Incest Sex is Alright. If you do not support BN/UMNO, then you are an oppositionist which means you will have no money and no press coverage. Not easy to be the opposition in Malaysia, you know? But don't worry, if you manage to get some political power then it's easy money for you and your cronies!

It is also interesting to note that there are plenty of similarities to NAZI Germany. Like the Nazi's SS (Sexual Services), Malaysia has its ISA (Internal Sex Acts) to silence and rape anyone who opposes the government regime. Nazi had its Master Aryan Race policy, Malaysia has its Ketuanan Melayu policy which means Malay Lordship. Nazi Germany had its Fuhrer who persecuted the hardworking and very clever Jews, Malaysia has it's Prime Minister who's word is law and persecutes the minorities who are hardworking and very clever.

Malaysia is a dictatorship disguised as a Parliamentary Democracy. This is because unlike most democracies which splits it's power to make sure that no single entity have too much power, Malaysia's true power is in its Executive Branch, which is the Prime Minister's branch, hence the government. They exert their rule with fear, using the ISA, and forcing laws that strips power from the Legislative and Judicial Branches. Members of the Parliament no longer have diplomatic immunity because of these policies, and can be imprisoned if they offend the government, which has happened many times. Those that have been imprisoned are systematically brainwashed and raped as they watch others performing oral sex on animals. This is to ensure they'll never mention their experiences while detained by the ISA. The Judicial branch's power was raped in 1988, when UMNO somehow managed to undermine and strip their powers when they were not satisfied by the Supreme Court's decision. Today, the Judicial branch of Malaysia is just a puppet of the government, and do not uphold true justice. Malaysia's parliamentary democracy is claimed to be modeled after the British system with the exception that Britain keeps its monarch and change the government every five years whereas Malaysia keeps its government and change the monarch every five years.

Winning elections in Malaysia

In Bolehland, winning elections is a no-brainer. Anyone can become a prominent YB(Yang Bodoh/Yang Babi) these days - even a university reject (don't believe me, ask Najis Tong Rosak).

To gain Malay votes, you just have to promise them first-class citizen treatment. As for the Chinese promise them lots of money, business opportunities and good fortune. Then for the Indians promise you won't demolish Hindu temples anymore.

For the Orang Asli...err...who cares. Their votes are too small to make a difference, but if you insist then just promise the usual stuff - more transport and infrastructure into their jungles, more hospitals, etc. However you should NOT promise them first class citizen treatment - or the Malays will jail you under ISA for treason.

Of course, as in all elections around the world, you can forget about fulfilling your promise once you won, so that later you can promise the same thing again!!Can meh? Of course we can. Malaysia Boleh Mah!

Religions in Malaysia

Malaysia practices freedom of choosing religion. Freedom as in "You are free to join Islam", but you will be punished if you leave it. Those who wish to commit apostasy are liable to imprisonment and caning. However, they are also raped through all available orifices as they believe that torturing the apostasy "offenders" will open their way to heaven, and give them 99 more virgins to their existing 72 as their reward by Allah.

A stupid gal Lina Joy renounced her religion, Islam, to become a Christian in 2000. However, in Bolehland you can do anything but renounce Islam. She is now dead. Thanks to all the Muslim supporters who made the court collapse during her trial.

Malays generally embrace Islam because their Sultan did it. Malays usually pray to their GOD as hoping their GOD will forgive them after they raped their daughter or bombed prostitutes they had sex with. They are required to pray 5 times a day or else will end up in hell. Malays are very popular with 3R which is Rompak(rob), Rempit, Rogol(rape). To them, its damn cool and fun. This activity is normally done when they are riding their 70cc motorcycle around.

Therefore there are others small sub-religion born from Islamic such as Rempit-mic, Rasuah-mic and Bogel-Internet are highly practice within the Malay in Malaysia. This same goes to the Chinese which is Ah Beng, Apek Cetak Rompak (Selling pirate DVD etc), Lying Apek at the workshop and many more.

The Cina usually pray to their GOD for money, wealth, 4D numbers and prosperity. Most Chinese colour their hair thinking that they can be like their Hong Kong or Korean idols. Their for of worship too, is cool ( yeah rite! my arse ) . Some of them are Christians though and they colour their pussies red for Easter. Dieyucks are mostly Christians and worship any kind of cross. They pray at the cross-junction of major roads and cause traffic jams.

Malays also practice racism, they are so racist, that they even have their own name for racism, called Ketuanan Melayu. Malays generally feel that they are better than the entire world, because they don't eat pork, ride around on motorcycles thinking they are so cool and rape their daughters. The truth is, Malays are retarded ass holes that can't do anything properly.

Indian practice no religion as all their temple has been destroyed by the racist BN government. Indian are not allowed to have religion because they are too minor to make a diffrent in the coming erection. WHO CARES?!! YOU NOT HAPPY I REVOKE YOUR CITIZENSHIP!!! - Kerismudin

Education of Malaysia

Main article: Education of Malaysia


Corruption in Malaysia

A Malaysian with power is absolutely corrupted

~ Oscar Wilde

People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people. But here in Malaysia, it's a total opposite. Sigh

~ V lamenting his inability to save Malaysia from corruption.

PDRM Stand for Polis Dibenarkan Rasuah di Malaysia

~ Head of Police in Malaysia


Although in Malaysia got Coffee Bean and StarFucks but nothing is tasty as Coffee Money, it give us more power to get for it!

~ Every Police in Malaysia
PDRM Decepticon bot pwning a noob for Duit Kopi.
PDRM Decepticon bot pwning a noob for Duit Kopi.
PDRM Decepticon bot on the prowl looking for unsuspecting victims for Duit Kopi.
PDRM Decepticon bot on the prowl looking for unsuspecting victims for Duit Kopi.

It is like tis one, hmmm...honestly speaking (always use words: Frankly, Honestly, Actually, when you want to say something serious in Malaysia), there is not much corruption in Malaysia (someone please agree!).

Frankly, the situation is not that bad; not all Datuks are involved in 'projects', some of them (the whole family) need no projects to live a life of luxury in Europe, Australia, NZ, etc. These kinds of Datuks, actually, frankly, honestly, are not that uncommon. Honestly, with so much blatant corruption, it is stupid to be a Malaysian and not take advantage of the situation to get leverage financially in order to get laid by hot chicks who will only date you if you drive a car bigger than her boobs.

There are always some uncles talking cock at the coffee shop (go listen now). They can tell you tips of 'How to become rich quick?' . Usually the methods are similar: you need to be friends with a Datuk, then either you buy a Mercedes-Benz for your Datuk for him to get projects for you, or you 'share share' the money 50-50, 60-40, 64-36 later.

Quite frankly, if you have government 'connections', you need not worry, because honestly thanks to the beauty of the Official Secrets Act (OSA) which covers even things like toll agreements, the rakyat will never know you are stealing their money right under their noses, seriously. If the Datuk gets accused he can always cry his way out of the situation. The judiciary system is so fucked up that tears are weighed heavier than evidence in Malaysia. So rest assured.

It is said that the 1st malaysian corruption was recorded in 1902, where parameswara accepted 20 bananas from the Portuguese and sold his penis. Later he would found out that they used his dick and experimented by masturbating it and counted how long it took for a monkey to start leaking semen. To their surprise, it only took parameswara 0.0042seconds which made the fastest orgasm in the world. After countless experiments, parameswara worn out like an old car engine and had to be recycled by cooking it and feeding it to a pig. This is why he got angry and blamed Portuguese for invading which in fact he sold his balls for 20 bananas in the first place.

Free Online Tips & Techniques

  • What's worst is the police are most probably never going to get around to justice because they only believe in corruption and collecting "kopi-o money" which is basically a sum from RM50-RM3000 that will get you off any offense, even murder!
  • Aiyoh guys, why y'all want to work? What for, work so hard? Frankly speaking, to become rich in Malaysia, you should try and spend your time looking for a Datuk, and then you tell him that you want the project 'Keep Kepong Clean Campaign' or 'Keep Our Rivers Clean Campaign', etc. Then make sure the project costs 80 million: 10% goes to actual work, 35 million to the Datuk, the rest you keep. Remember, quickly buy property in Australia, and get your PR there.
  • Important: Make sure the 'Keep Clean Campaign' fails- deliberately fails-so that you can always have more campaigns and more opportunities.
  • Hottest Job: Custom officer (please apply now).
  • Play Golf: You can meet a lot of rich Datuks, ministers and businessmen in the golf course. Don't waste time playing other type of sports especially football, sepaktakraw, swimming, etc. Datuks are obese and weak so they only play golf. So if you don't play golf sorry lah, you have no future.
  • Become an UMNOputra and expect handouts from your clique.

Lagu Duit Kopi (Malaysia Coffee-Money Song)

Malays, Chinese, Indian, Orang Asli, all together, let's sing the song "Duit Kopi". :
Malays, Chinese, Indian, Orang Asli, all together, let's sing the song "Duit Kopi". :Image:Drums 001.gif Image:Notes 001.gif
Yo, mana boleh dapat duit kopi?
Lu kena cari Datuk atau Tan sri.
Ada Datuk Tan Sri ada duit kopi,
lu orang mesti cepat cepat pi cari....
Ini zaman semua bayar duit kopi,
ACA hari hari cakap tak cukup bukti,
Itu government macam cibai puki,
Kasi lu tunggu sampai lu mati...
Melayu, Cina, India sama Orang Asli,
Semua pun boleh accept duit kopi,
Dapat duit kopi, semua orang happy,
Malaysia ini sangat harmony...
(Chorus)
Tolong jangan buang sampah di sini,
Banyak sampah tourist tak mau mari,
Tak ada tourist, tak ada money.
Duit kopi, lagi third world mentality,
Mana boleh ada Vision twenty-twenty...
(repeat lyrics)
  • Malaysia Boleh (Malaysia Can)!!! (shout 3 times after singing, PLEASE ADD "BELAH" AT THE BACK, which makes it Malaysia Boleh Belah, Malaysia Can Fuck Off)

English Version - Coffee Money Song

Yo, where can get coffee money?
You have to find Datuk or Tan sri (titles given equivalent to Sir in UK)
Got Datuk Tan Sri got coffee money,
You must quickly go find....
Today's world all pay coffee money,
ACA (Anti Corruption Agency) everyday talk talk not enough evidence,
That government just like cibai puki (pussy),
Let you wait till you die...
Malays, Chinese, India and indigenous,
All also can accept coffee money,
Get coffee money, everyone's happy,
Malaysia is very harmony...
(Chorus)
Please don't throw rubbish here,
A lot rubbish tourist doesn't want to come,
No tourist, no money.
Coffee money, more third world mentality,
Can't have a Vision twenty-twenty...
(repeat lyrics)
  • Malaysia Can (Fuck Off) !!! (shout 3 times after singing)

Anti-Corruption

Malaysia is becoming better. Most Malaysians nowadays, do not opt for bribery. Although I cannot deny a small group of people who are doing this. In the years to come, Malaysians will be corruption-free. Weird things is for many people here even the government minister they didn't think bribery is a corruption as it didn't giving harmful to anyone. So, stop exaggerating stuff <--- Is this fellow on marijuana?Most probably. And several other questionable substances as well, if his pathetic idealism is anything to judge by.

The anti-corruption agencies are in fact the most corrupt people in the planet. The only reason that people join the anti-corruption agencies is because it's very easy to get bribe money since their sole purpose is to find people who offer bribes (this is not just in Malaysia, BTW, it's the same in all other countries as well). The same scenario is applicable to Malaysian politicians, as their sole purpose to join politics is to get rich from bribes. They are the very same politicians who set-up the anti-corruption agencies to disguise their crookedness.

A police officer proudly displaying his new badge "Bribe me later"
A police officer proudly displaying his new badge "Bribe me later"

Most high-profile Corruption cases is handled by the BPR or Badan Perogol Rahsuah, meaning Bribe Rapist Body as they are more likely to screw themselves in their anus than actually solve any cases. There have been many high-profile cases where people are obviously guilty, but somehow these investigations just disappear.The attitude of "hangat-hangat tahi ayam" applies to every high-profile cases, where they are remembered for up to a few days old and then forgotten ever since.

Be a patriotic citizen and cry "Malaysia Boleh!!" the next time a Tan Sri escapes arrest for raping his daughter!

Malaysia's Space Tourism Programme

After running out of ideas on how to show how "Boleh" Malaysians are at wasting money, the government finally decided to send a homosexual Malay into space, fully funded by the Chinese and Indian's taxpayer's money (USD 20Million). The goverment wants to pretend that Malaysia is fucking rich and developed. If Malaysia have so much money, why the hell is the road still full of potholes and government building roofs still leaking? Get your fucking priorities straight.

HAI GUYS LOOK AT ME, I WENT TO SPACE
HAI GUYS LOOK AT ME, I WENT TO SPACE

Anyway, the Pelancong Angkasa (NOT Angkasawan, mind you) is not "a mere passenger to the International Space Station (ISS)". He is going there to do many ground-breaking research that will bring great benefits towards cancer research such as:

  1. Try to make Teh Tarik (Literally translated as pulled tea) in zero gravity
  2. Eating a Durian in zero gravity
  3. Fuck up the toilets in the ISS (Remember, Malaysians don't flush and don't use toilet paper)
  4. Try to toss Roti Canai in space
  5. Play traditional games such as gasing (a top), layang-layang(kite), congkat (stupid weird game) in space
  6. Play yo-yo ("Eureka I can throw it upwards! I bet the NASA didn't know that lol").
  7. Placing liquid on a spoon ("Whoah it sticks! I made a new discovery! 11!)
  8. Play DOTA in space (on Battlenet with aliens with 3 hands, easy item hotkey access)

Not to mention also that our Pelancong Angkasa will once and for all prove that Islam is practicable even in outer space by:

  1. Praying 32 times in a day which lasts 16 minutes while still finding time to fool around with children's games.
  2. Fasting for only 10 minutes at a time. Lucky bastard....
  3. Celebrating Hari Raya at least 5 times during the entire period in space.
  4. Bringing a Malaysian flag to space and shitting all over it.
  5. Brought a Quran to space
  6. Bringing a bomb and shouting Jihad in space.

Entertainment in Malaysia

The local entertainment industry consists of rip-offs of popular shows, local porn, low quality crap and other stuff that no one wants to watch.

Local TV Shows

  • Akademi Frustasia - Reality singing competition where Malays compete with each other to see who cries the most and whose voice is the worst. Chinese or Indian people are not welcome. Even if they participate win they will not get publicity.
  • Malaysian Idol - Simon Cowell describes it as at least ten times worst than William Hung. You decide.
  • One in a Million - Another talent contest meant for hookers, dickgirls and fags.
  • So You Think You Can't Dance - Rip off from the US version. It still sucks. Consists of retards embarrassing themselves in front of the TV.
  • 3R - Rompak, Rempit, Rogol. The latest hip reality show on TV10. Contains many advice on how to act like a typical Malay citizen of Malaysia.
  • Diari Ramadan Rempit - Drama about a Mat Rempit starving himself during the day and doing motorcycle stunts at night. Story ends with him marrying 6 wifes and 2 mistresses.
  • Malaysian Idol -Reality singing show in Malaysia. Starring three judges. Siman, a Taiwanes douche bag who makes fun of Mat Rempit. Palua, an anorexic slut. Rundi, the overwieght indonesian minority of the group.

Asstro

The only satellite TV in Malaysia that even Malays living next to swamps can afford. Service sucks and it doesn't have dedicated porn channels. A nice innocent message, "Service is unavailable" pops up when it rains or when Badawi did something stupid, followed by screams from disgruntled customers. It has over one million channels but the only ones that work are cartoons, Malay soap operas, and "The Boring-Stuff-No-One-Wants-To-Watch Show: Starring Kopi Tandas"

Channels:

  • HOB - Home Office Box(lost in translation). The only channel that shows movies with uncensored sex scenes. The closest Malaysians viewers can get to porn.
  • Kartoon Network - The channel filled with kiddie porn.
  • National Geographic - This is where sick bastards watches animals having sex at 10pm Wednesday (adverstisements between 10:05 and 10:50)
  • Star World - Low quality, censored american porn is shown here.
  • TMV - TeleMusicVision(lost in translation again). This is a sing-along channel, where faggots and dykes sing just like animals having sex.
  • AniMax - The only channel Chinese under 20 watch. Load with Hentai such as Dragon BALLz, Ghost in the Cunt: Anal Pernetration, Horny and Lover, and many more.
  • AXN - The All Xylophone Network. Introducing the first full service channel dedicated to all things Xylophone.
  • Al Jazeera All Access news channel for terrorist. Dont miss "Bomb Building with Sa'id" on Fridays.

Real Live Entertaiment

  • Islamic Disco - Cheaper enterance fee, no alcohol, shandy & orange juice, good exercise and strictly non-unisex. Tourists are welcome.
  • Nashid - Arab cosplay festival.
  • Mat Rempit Talent Show - Absolutely free, you gather along highways and watch Malays race each other on their motorbikes until dawn or the police comes for coffee money.
  • Backalley party - Hang out with a bunch of Malay teenagers getting high on drugs and butt sex.

Products Manufactured in Malaysia

Below are the products manufactured in Malaysia and the recognition it received from the World.

  • Proton Cars - Recently won the "Best Toy Car Of The Year (BTCOTY)" and "The cheapest source of scrap metal for manhole covers" - Public Works Dept Singapore.
  • TMNuts Streamyx - Recently gain 1 spot, from 100th to 99th in the recent 3rd World Country Semi-Broadband survey. Broadband speeds now up to 35Kbps as of 2005. Provide the safest internet service in Malaysia - as long as your PC is NOT connected to the internet, it is relatively safe.
  • Prostitutes and trannies from Jalan Chow Kit and Lorong Haji Taib - Ranked 2nd cleanest in the Central Asia region after Borat's Kazakhstan.
  • Pirate CDs and DVDs- the ONLY top quality product made here, its quality surpassing even China's. International recognition including: FBI, CIA, Interpol, KGB, STFU, O.K., and WTF.
  • Kepala Sa-weed - yes, it literally meant "weed head". Malaysia have been ranked the top weed producing country in Asia. 47% of Americans prefered to smoke Malaysian weed than the Mexicans' due to their amazing aftertaste of Nasi Tandas.

Telecommunications in Malaysia

The king of broadband in Malaysia is controlled by Telekong Malaysia. The company offers very very stable and high speed connection to users by offering just 88888888 ringgit a month (it seems). The services of the company however sucks. You want to make a complain, ok lah, they call you to wait wait wait and then they'll say, tanya ini tanya itu. Malaysia Broadband Boleh!.

  • Due to Tian Yi (destiny), the Sea Dragon King (hoi loong wong) castle received a Christmas forwarded sms which warned the King to stop partying and stop drinking chivas. However, as he did not heed the warning, it caused the Taiwan 7.1 richter earthquake and it caused serious damage to his undersea palatial mansion. He, the Sea Dragon King got mad and bit off the cables connecting the World Wide Web. So now it becomes World Wide Wait (WWW). Slowmyx was affected and TMwait was rendered useless. the advertised 1Mbps has now been reduced to 1Bps. All these while Malaysians were accustomed to the less than 1Mbps (you know-lah what you see in advertisements are for cuci mata saja ) concept.
Walao...3000ms ping speed le? Speed really kills leh!!
Walao...3000ms ping speed le? Speed really kills leh!!
  • Malaysians were left with TMwait after TMwait gobbled up all other companies while the World Wide Web was down, thus the Super Saiyan TM Megacorp was formed. All the staff became very fiery when they talk ( but kao beh kao bu-lah) all the kbkb talk makes Malaysians very angry. Some became The Hulk and start to thrash TM Megacorps premises due to the World Wide Wait. "Cho Ha Mi? Lag Lag Lag. Now disconnect!" That was the Anti-WWW's slogan. At that time, TM Megacorp's President was at his In-Laws' eating Nasi Lemak at Kampung Batu Tengkujuh. This caused a very serious problem in the telecommunication industry as they needed to stop the bad publicity (kiasu that other ppl find out how Slowmyx performs). As the riots continued, the Super Saiyan staff start to use all their power to pacify the rioting Malaysians. All they did was show the Sea Dragon King's mugshot on the gigantic plasma screen outside of their premises (almost 150 inch wo..not gigantic meh?)
  • This caused the users to be misled and my oh my, the President of TM Megacorp comes back but finds that he needs a quick fix for the problem. All he can do is pray. Suddenly, he have a bright idea. He wants to declare war on Sea Dragon King as he caused so much trouble for his company. He solicited help from Soddom Hassan, Adalf Hitter, Mr Raju the Chapati Guy, The Cable Guy, Starsky & Hutch to help form an attack plan.
Keep Malaysia clean
  • As the planning were undertaken, it caused so much headache and confusion as the plans given by all of his PRO-tem committee could not destroy the Sea Dragon Kingdom. Then, they sent a spy nicknamed Hoi Guai (sea turtle) to infiltrate the Kingdom. Wow, he saw many sculptures of Pots, Pans, Stoves and also many building in the shape of Corell Reeves (artificial Coral Reef like tyre,ship, etc lah) . He also found out that they have power in the sea. He tried to test Kryptonite on the inhabitants of the Kingdom but they were seemingly unaffected by it. After he reported back to TM Megacorp, the President had to throw out all plans by his committee except for Mr Raju's plan.
  • Mr. Raju's plan were to use the world's biggest chapati to absorb the Sea Water and force the ouster of the Sea Dragon King. The President used the plan and after seven seven forty nine days of battle, the Sea was absorbed and he lost his powers. Mr. Raju was then given the title Grandfather. (the highest honour in Malaysia). Sea Dragon King was captured and stripped off his scales and his Kingdom was then demolished and built into studio apartments for sale.

Favorite quotes of the Customer Service representative at TMwait Slowmyx / TMnerd Shitmyx

  • "We will assign a contracter to your place to look into the matter by tomorrow(in fact a week)."
  • (if u r using external ADSL modem)"Is the light of the ADSL light blinking of off??"
  • "Windows XP firewall make your slow koneksion"
  • "What is the error code shown? If u using router, please try manual konek and call us again."
  • "Please turn your modem upside down and try again"
  • "Please unplug your network cable and turn it around and plug it back in" (Witchcraft lah, just stand up and turn around 3 times, your internet will be aaalrite!)
  • "What version of Windows are you using?" (If it ain't WinXP, fuxx you, we do not support Mac, Win2k or Linux)
  • "Please unplug your microfilter and plug the modem wire directly into the wall socket" (I can hear the pages flipping, she's either reading Kosmo! or from a frickin' manual, which I can also do, and Fuxx You very much, I already tried, my microfilter is brand new)
  • "You must plug your SATA modem to the IDE floppy disk and put your USB monitor to the 2-socket plug. Then only can you turn on the 30-Amp power to your Acer.
  • "I tak tahu..." / "Saya don't know..."
  • " "Currently, we have no service distruption in malaysia" <--- a good reply when international cable breakdown. Stupid Customer service dont even know.
  • " Nonit talk so much la..... Let me make report for u. U take the report number and keep quiet... Wait for technician to come( if he remembers).. Bye.... tooo..tooo..
  • " Now restart your comp....
  • " Uninstall and then reinstall the network driver. That didn't work for you? What you don't have your original disks? No problem, use this web site... what do you mean you have no Internet without the driver? Are you trying to question me?"
  • "Please reinstall your modem"(driver)
  • " I am sorry, our support does not cover that. Try calling the company that made your computer or Microsoft. (I have no idea what you are talking about and my script does not cover these sorts of things. Rather than tell you I have no talent, I am instead telling you to go somewhere else and passing the buck to them. Yet I know they also have help desks in Malaysia so I am phoning them ahead to warn them about you. You are so fuxxored.)
  • "Talk talk talk... Please wait while all our staffs are engaged on line...(Stupid tmnut song plays... played over and over hundred of times.. then, line disconnected" - This happened when all the staffs went to minum kopi, lepak, talk cock ...etc watever and refused to answer the phone because they know they can't do anything other than saying "Please wait while our technical workers are currently fixing the problemss"
  • "Huh ?"
  • "Cannot... cannot" -TMNET customer service on speaking to your supervisor
  • "Tomorrow you come lah... to tmnet center" -TMNET customer service typical panics
  • An official reply via email from their customer service: "Send email with details can ? We no receive your email at all." Same email recycle until customers give up.
  • "Suh... you made no payments" -on the bill you payed 3 months ago, now they're threating to block your connection
  • "Oh unplug your cable lah, then you squeeze squeeze should be ok adiiiiii!!!"
  • "Slow? I think you should upgrade to Slowmyx 1 Meg. How much you are paying now? Just add little bit only ma."
  • "Unplug your telephone line, rub it towards your breast, let the telephone line gets high, then plug back in ur asshole. I'm 100% u can use ur internet to see BOGEL INTERNET."
  • First time calling: "We need three working days to solve this problem." Call after three days: "We need three working days to solve this problem." and continue the process.
  • Huh????Our connection is the fastest among the Asia...u still wan to complain.....our 1kbps speed is faster than a Porches 911...

How many TMnutters/TMwaiters it takes to change a light bulb ?

All of them, and the everyone of them has the chances to hold the light bulb for 5 seconds - 5 days (depends on company ranks) 99.99999% of the time the light bulb will be missing then they will "Huh ?" every time someone mentions it.

Intellectual Jobs in Malaysia

  • Datuk - Becoming a Datuk in Malaysia promise bright future. You can easily take big contract from government and give it to some chinese contractor. They will buy you some house and Mercedes. Not to mention, this also opens more opportunity for extra side income from bribes which is TAX FREE!
  • Traffic Police - Only Malays can apply. Their job is simple - ask a driver to pull over, tell him that he has offended many traffic laws (invent one if they couldn't find any) and tell him that they can 'settle' for the expensive fines by a small token of good gesture. Simply ask the drivers to pass some money under their driver's license, and then bid him farewell with the words like "you senang, saya pun senang" and "Ingat, saya anti rasuah!"
  • Bandaraya Officer - Also known as city council officer. It's a form of legalized gangsterism. Only Malays can apply. Job scope includes legal extortion, confiscating mamak stall tables and chairs, confiscating tables, red cloth and VCD from illegal VCD peddlers and so on. Must be a good auctioneer as well as all confiscated items will be auctioned off."
  • Toll's Money Collector - Sparta requires all males to be fit and healthy, and the same goes to Malaysia's toll collectors. They must have perfect limbs - the left hand must be well developed for it is essential to operate the ticket machine and the cash register. The right hand must be well-built to move non-stop from 8 to 10 daily, and the legs are vital because occasionally they need to abandon their boxes to avoid vehicle crashes to the toll booth. If any of the candidates for the job do not fulfill the required requirements, His Anal Majesty Anwar himself will see to it that the failed candidates will be sodomized and thrown down into the blissful mountains the Chinese call 'Nirvana', the (M)ush-lims 'Bukit Tinggi', the Indians 'N/A' (as the national motto goes, "It's not our problem anyway").
  • Ah Long - Interested applicants must be Chinese, be fluent in Cantonese, Hokkien, Hakka (being able to curse proficiently is a bonus), have blond hair, killer, liar, have one pierced ear and drive a used Proton Wira with windows tinted as black as Booker T, complete with spoiler so big the car dwarfs an A380, and a muffler the size of Neptune. Also must regularly to kill, kurung people in the sangkar. Must be literate and able to write on small notebooks call buku 555 (so called for the numbers '555' on the cover). An essential skill is the ability to sneak into the homes of people that can't repay their loans (mostly gamblers, other Ah Longs, old Aunties addicted to DaMaCai, or just lazy school kids that want to buy Ragnarok Online characters off eBay) and paint threatening Chinese words (must be in red paint) on their walls. Must also have an affinity with techno music.
  • Chettiar - The Indian equivalent to Ah Longs. Applicant must be Indian (duh), pot-bellied, have curly moustaches, carry huge black umbrella and carry a huge suitcase in one hand. Also must be able to pull off a Bollywood fight scene in case a client refuses to pay his loans.
  • Mat Rempit - Pseudo-professional motocycle stuntmen, soon to be dead. Only Malays can apply. Becoming a Mat Rempit is a guarantor of a good future, with the backup support from the government agency call Putera Tak Senonoh Umno. You only need to do stupid motorcycle stunts on your motorbike on a public road to attract more tourists for Year Visit Malaysia 2007. If you don't have money to spend, become a part-time snatch thief or robber. Getting arrested is a definite occupational hazard, but don't worry - just use bribe the Police and everything will be settled.
  • Mat Skodeng - Only available to Muslims. Also known as government sanctioned Peeping Toms, these are some of the best jobs EVAR!!!!! (if you're a pervert, which is everybody). Basically you find Muslim couples having sex, film them and then report them! AWESOME! You can hand it over to the government to gain commission or sell these films at the "pasar malam" with titles such as 'Seks di tepi Sungai Besi' and 'Perdana Menteri yang Terlampau'.
  • VCD/DVD Seller - An easy job that just needs you to sell VCDs in the Pasar Malam or around the food court. The fixed price for one VCD is RM5(less than US$2 - important to remember when selling to gwai los). The price for one DVD ranges from RM8-RM10. Selling porn carries the highest profit. This job is better than becoming Multi Level Marketing salesman, because you can get an average salary of RM100 per night. However hawkers must always be aware of undercover police that might be nearby.
  • LadyBoys - A amusingly high status job for the desperate ones. It's only available at night at certain places such as Mentari Court, Chow Kit, and some back alleys along SS15. Job requirements include (but are not limited to) the ability to pleasure both sexes, having split sex (as in can be a male and a female), the ability to seduce men, women, and other ladyboys. Might have to prepare for police raids and unoccasional GANG BANG rape. According to the current market, a ladyboy can earn RM2,000 to RM 3,000 a night depending on the skills and ability of the ladyboy. Worst comes to worst - Thailand is always open to you.
  • TehTarikCrew - This is one of the most promising intellectual jobs you can do in glorious country of Malaysia, where all you need to do is dress up all in blue, wear funky leather shoes, and don officer hats. Their job is to ride on the cool lorry trucks (as seen on the MTV hit show "Jihad My Ride") and go on tehtarik raids, scheduled between Malaysian Time 10.00PM to 2.00AM. The raid will consist of 10-20 Level 1 Rogues, as seen in their obvious outfits of leather shoes. To be one of the TehTarikCrew members, one must have at least level 1 Pilfering skills, as required by Arcadia.
  • CALL CENTER MANIA - The most famous job now days lor..open to all un-educated malaysians..especially the dumb malays..and rempit can join delivery service.. McDonalds delivery(the most lousy delivery service ever) it took them 45 min to one hour to deliver my freeking food? call now..! ! any call center number available to your eyes..just to end up with a dumb malay at the end of line.. "yess sir" "no sirr" the only word the know how to pronounce properly. and when they cant take it anymore, "I tak tau lar sir" "YOu boleh speaking with my supervisor" "I nih bodoh sirr"
  • TMnerd SHITmyx technical assistance - The easiest job in the world. Just have to pick up the phone, ask for user verification, then ask the caller to unplug the phone line and plug-in again, then restart the computer. You have to memorise the speech and repeat it 500million times a day, because apparently Terrorkom wants to save money.
  • UMNO Activist - Threaten Malaysians with Keris and degrade non-Malays as immigrants and slaves. Sick and racist, but very good pay. Only rich half-Malays and Malay pretenders can apply - genuine Malays are advised to remain in their kampung and mind their own business.
  • MCA/MIC Activist - Good choice for non-Malays who still wish to get the money and power benefits that UMNO activists have.
  • Mamak Stall Worker - Majority taken up by Indian Muslims. Must be able to tolerate racist remarks and flip Roti Canais 24/7. Poor salary, but they don't really care. Must be able to prepare for raids from Bandaraya at any given time.

Note: The truth is, most of the brightest minds have migrated away and now the government is trying to woo them back with pay which is much less than half of what they earn overseas. However they're given benefits like free prostitute access, and lifetime supply of Bak Kut Teh.

Drugs

Malaysian penguin caught smoking crack.
Malaysian penguin caught smoking crack.
Thank you BN for protecting us from the unspeakable evils of Marijuana
Thank you BN for protecting us from the unspeakable evils of Marijuana

Drugs are punished by the barbaric penalty of hanging. Marijuana is considered to be the most harmfull and taboo of all drugs. It is considered the equivalent of cocaine in the U.S. The punishment for more than 200 grams is death penalty. Raids have been conducted by local polis (police) to stop all Marijuana related activities. While crystal meth and heroin uses go up, THANK GOD (sarcasm) the government is cracking down on insanity causing MARIJUANA. According to the Malaysian government Marijuana the most lethal and dangerous drug EVER. Ecstasy and heroin can wait while Malaysia's crusade on Marijuana prevails! This is just a thought, perhaps the Malaysian government shouldn't focus so hard cracking down on Marijuana but improve education, social welfare, and crimes that makes Malaysia look bad like rape and molestation of zoo monkeys.

Street Rallies and Protests

The Prime Minister, Abdullah Badawi claims that "Malaysia is not a protesting country-lah!", but the text books in school disagree. Obviously he failed History while in secondary school, looks like we have a retard for a prime minister. Let's take a look at what the Secondary 3 History Text Book (page 58) has to say:

"The Malays organized a peaceful demonstration to protest against Sir Harold MacMicheal's method of acquiring the Sultans’ signatures and to reject the Malayan Union proposal, street demonstrations were held in large towns such as Kota Bharu, Kelantan, Alor Setar, Kedah and Johor Bahru"

"50 000 people (Malays) gather for a street demo in Alor Setar to threaten Sir MacMichael and reject the Malayan Union proposal"

"The Malays showed their displeasure towards the Malayan Union proposal. 'United we stand, divided we fall', that's the way that we should follow."

Hypocrites, anyone? It's okay for them and the Malays to protest and make noise 50 years ago but it's wrong for everyone now. It is therefore clear that rallying and protesting is forbiddened...UNLESS ITS ABOUT ISLAM (how many times has that clause showed up). Various protests have taken place in the recent past, usually when a muslim wants to convert out of the religion, or when a new building decreases the "feng shui" of a big ass mosque, or when orang utans kidnap the muslim kids and threaten to feed them pork if we don't leave the apes alone.

Since the government turn a deaf ear to protests and rallying in Bolehland, many people are employing a different approach. For example, a long long time ago, dogs were recognized as the country's national animal. Malays and dogs lived peacefully and symbiotically. But when the Chinese and Indians started immigrating to Malaysia, dogs took a liking to them. Dogs started spending more time with the immigrants. The arrival of the British didn't help either since dogs liked them too.

As the years went by, the Malays grew hateful and felt betrayed, yet they could not protest to have the dogs exiled. instead they made up some rule whereby Malays can't touch anything dog related. Till today, the rule still stands, and the relationship between Malays and dogs have worsened. The Guiness Book of Records hold this as the longest (and most unsuccesful) protesting strategy of all time.


The UnBiased Government of Malaysia

(1) Of the five major banks, only one is multi-racial, the rest are controlled by Malays.

(2) 99% of Petronas directors are Malays.

(3) 3% of Petronas employees are Chinese.

(4) 99% of 2000 Petronas gasoline stations are owned by Malays.

(5) 100% all contractors working under Petronas projects must be of Bumis status.

(6) 0% of non-Malay staff are legally required in Malay companies. But there must be 30% Malay staffs in Chinese companies.

(7) 5% of all new intake for government police, nurses, army, are non-Malays.

(8) 2% is the present Chinese staff in Royal Malaysian Air Force (RMAF), a drop from 40% in 1960.

(9) 2% is the percentage of non-Malay government servants in Putrajaya, but Malays make up 98%.

(10) 7% is the percentage of Chinese government servants in the entire government (in 2004); a drop from 30% in 1960.

(11) 95% of government contracts are given to Malays.

(12) 100% all business licensees are controlled by Malay government, e.g. Taxi permits, Approved permits, etc.

(13) 80% of the Chinese rice millers in Kedah had to be sold to Malay controlled Bernas in 1980s. Otherwise, life is made difficult for Chinese rice millers.

(14) 100 big companies set up, owned and managed by Chinese Malaysians were taken over by government, and later managed by Malays since 1970s, e.g. UTC, UMBC, MISC, etc.

(15) At least 10 Chinese owned bus companies (throughout Malaysia in the past 40 years) had to be sold to MARA or other Malay transport companies due to rejection by Malay authorities to Chinese applications for bus routes and rejection for their applications for new buses.

(16) Two Chinese taxi drivers were barred from driving in Johor Larkin bus station. There are about 30 taxi drivers and three were Chinese in Oct. 2004. Spoiling taxi club properties was the reason given.

(17) 0 non-Malays are allowed to get shop lots in the new Muar bus station (Nov. 2004).

(18) 8000 billion ringgit is the total amount the government channeled to Malay pockets through ASB, ASN, MARA, privatization of government agencies, Tabung Haji etc, through NEP over a 34 years period.

(19) 48 Chinese primary schools closed down from 1968 - 2000.

(20) 144 Indian primary schools closed down from 1968 - 2000.

(21) 2637 Malay primary schools built from 1968 - 2000.

(22) 2.5% is government budget for Chinese primary schools. Indian schools got only 1%, Malay schools got 96.5%.

(23) While a Chinese parent with RM1000 salary (monthly) cannot get school textbook loan, a Malay parent with RM2000 salary is eligible.

(24) All 10 public university vice chancellors are Malays.

(25) 5% of the government universities’ lecturers are of non-Malay origins. This percentage has been reduced from about 70% in 1965 to only 5% in 2004.

(26) Only 5% has been given to non-Malays for government scholarships in over 40 years.

(27) 0 Chinese or Indians were sent to Japan and Korea under the “Look East Policy.”

(28) 128 STPM Chinese top students could not get into the course to which they aspired, i.e. Medicine (in 2004).

(29) 10% quotas are in place for non-Bumi students for MARA science schools beginning in 2003, but only 7% are filled. Before that it was 100% Malays.

(30) 50 cases in which Chinese and Indian Malaysians are beaten up in the National Service program in 2003.

(31) 25% of the Malaysian population was Chinese in 2004, a drop from 45% in 1957.

(32) 7% of the Malaysian population is Indian (2004), a drop from 12% in 1957.

(33) 2 million Chinese Malaysians have emigrated in the past 40 years.

(34) 0.5 million Indian Malaysians have emigrated overseas.

(35) 3 millions Indonesians have migrated to Malaysia and become Malaysian citizens with Bumis status.

(36) 600,000 Chinese and Indian Malaysians with red IC were rejected repeatedly when applying for citizenship in the past 40 years. Perhaps 60% of them had already passed away due to old age. This shows racism, based on how easily Indonesians got their citizenships compared with the Chinese and Indians.

(37) 5% - 15% discount for a Malay to buy a house, regardless whether the Malay is rich or poor.

(38) 2% is what new Chinese villages get, compared with 98% - what Malay villages got for rural development budget.

(39) 50 road names (at least) had been changed from Chinese names to other names.

(40) 1 Dewan Gan Boon Leong (in Malacca) was altered to another name (e.g. Dewan Serbaguna or something like that) when it was only officially used for a few days. The government tries to shun Chinese names. This example of racism occurred around 2000.

(41) 0 temples/churches were built for each housing estate. But every housing estate got at least one mosque/surau built.

(42) 3000 mosques/surau were built in all housing estates throughout Malaysia since 1970. No temples or churches are required to be built in housing estates.

(43) 1 Catholic church in Shah Alam took 20 years to apply to have a building constructed. But they were told by Malay authority that it must look like a factory and not like a church. As of 2004 the application still have not been approved.

(44) 1 publishing of Bible in Iban language banned (in 2002).

(45) 0 of the government TV stations (RTM1, RTM2, TV3) are directors of non-Malay origin.

(46) 30 government produced TV dramas and films always showed that the bad guys had Chinese faces, and the good guys had Malay faces. You can check it out since 1970s. Recent years, this has become less of a tendency.

(47) 10 times, at least, Malays (especially Umno) had threatened to massacre the Chinese Malaysians using May 13, since 1969.

(48) 20 constituencies won by DAP would not get funds from the government to develop. These Chinese majority constituencies would be the last to be developed.

(49) 100 constituencies (parliaments and states) had been racially re-delineated so Chinese votes were diluted for Chinese candidates. This is one of the main reasons why DAP candidates have consistently lost in elections since the 1970s.

(50) Only 3 out of 12 human rights items are ratified by the Malaysian government since 1960.

(51) 0 - elimination of all forms of racial discrimination (UN Human Rights) has not been ratified by Malaysian government since 1960s.

(52) 20 reported cases whereby Malay ambulance attendances treated Chinese patients inhumanely, and Malay government hospital staffs purposely delayed attending to Chinese patients in 2003. Unreported cases may be 200.

(53) 50 cases each year whereby Chinese, especially Chinese youths, are being beaten up by Malay youths in public places. Police reports may be checked to verify this, provided the police took the report, otherwise there will be no record.

(54) 20 cases every year whereby Chinese drivers who accidentally knocked down Malays were seriously assaulted or killed by Malays.

(55) 12% is what ASB/ASN got per annum while banks fixed deposits are only about 3.5% per annum.

Street Rallies and Protests

Main article: Street Rallies and Protests in Malaysia


Malaysian Celebrities

Main article: Malaysian_Celebrities


Tengok, Jangan Tak Tengok

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