- The Guardian, Saturday 30 May 2009
Dublin-born Glen aka Spiral was a rapper, "craic" addict and 24-hour party monster.
Spiral spent Summer 2006 clad in a white McKenzie shell suit, rhyming "Big Brother" with "sensitive luvva", guzzling all the cider, then being a fractious, repetitive drunk. Ireland was verily proud.
Slinky, posh, west London yummy-eco-Buddhist type Sada introduced yoga as a spectator sport to millions of bulgepanted male gawpers. Sada, or "Shaaaaadaa" as Craig the Scouser called her, was eventually turfed out following a ruck about tofu.
"I like to talk deeply and be analytical," claimed white witch Mary, optimistically, before being incarcerated in a plywood prison with slackjawed clots such as Anthony the 70s dancer and white van man Maxwell. Mary was slung out after eight days. We'll have none of yer "thinking" here, love.
Billi was a top model, a total woman magnet, a shrewd manipulator and a textbook lesson in delusional thinking. "I'm well Machiavel … Machovelp, erm, I'm proper good at plotting stuff!" mumbled silly Billi in the diary room, before being binned for being a dimwit.
Aggravating, unwatchable Glaswegian "eccentric" Shahbaz groped, screeched, stole and sobbed throughout five days in the house, culminating in the entire house sending him to Coventry, then throwing his stuff in the pool. Left of his own accord as the chances of him leaving feetfirst in a body bag grew.
Kohl-eyed care worker from Loughborough, Bonnie's intro video showed an enfant terrible feral child vowing to "blaze it up" for 13 weeks, 'avvin it non-stop. Inside the house, Bonnie was utterly expressionless for nine days. Her "best bits" video included her looking for a lost sock.
Somalian asylum seeker Ahmed had a lot of time locked up with British citizens to question whether he'd be happier dodging bullets in Mogadishu. He went berserk after seven weeks then staged a "military coup" which failed when the British housemates couldn't be arsed to revolt.
"Do you swallow? I love swallowing!" cried latecomer Shanessa the Cardiff
stripper to her new friends as Brian Belo choked on his oven chips. Shanessa, who resembled Janice Battersby channelling Rick Parfitt, passed her time dispensing "erotic dances" to male housemates, ie: wobbling her scones in their faces while grunting lustfully.
Leeds-born musician "Citizen Science" frittered away 57 days in one endless, unfathomable argument with anyone in eyesight. The housemates thought he was "fucking annoying"; Science thought he was "being well provoked". Tory idiot Derek Laud said that when he interacted with Science he could "feel his own IQ literally decreasing".
Kudos to Gos for being the most sloth-like housemate ever, spending 44 days splayed belly-up on a bean bag recounting Knight Rider plots with social whirlwind Cameron. Thanks to Gos, BB4 was so dull, producers never let normal people through the doors again. Everything wrong with TV today can be traced to Gos.
• Big Brother: A Decade In The Headlines is on Sun, 10.10pm, C4; Big Brother starts Thu, 9pm, C4