Navigating the toddler minefield

Toddlers seek out independence and a sense of control

Toddlers seek out independence and a sense of control

Do you find yourself walking on eggshells around your toddler? Many of us can't wait to get through that first year of our baby's life so that they are sleeping through the night, have predictable routines and can be a little bit more independent.

Then they hit two and we start wondering what on earth we were hoping for. Tantrums, defiance, more tantrums and their desperate need for independence! The toddler years herald an unpredictable minefield of emotional extremes. As Christopher Green so eloquently put it, toddlers have all the activity of an international airport without the air traffic control tower.   

I sometimes look at my own toddler and wonder where on earth (or elsewhere) he came from. How can one small creature create so much chaos and so much joy?

While speaking to a mother recently, she told me of how she had lovingly patted her stomach for nine months, talking to her child about all the wonderful things they would do together when the baby was old enough.

Now at three years of age, this toddler has mum and dad completely under her control, and they are too scared to say “no” lest it set off another “meltdown”. How many of us can relate to this?

Toddlers universally are desperately seeking out independence and a sense of control.  They have discovered that they are not simply an extension of their mother’s body, but an individual in their own right. With this revelation comes much excitement and delight, walking, talking, creating, feeding and so much more.

However, this is also a time when tantrums and behaviour problems can really start to impact on the whole family dynamic. Parents can become completely preoccupied with trying to head off the inevitable tantrums, children can learn that the louder they get the more they can wrangle out of mum and dad, and the parent-child relationship can start to become strained.

So how do we restore relative peace to the family?  The first thing we need to do is step back and recognize what the behaviour is communicating. Toddlers don’t have great negotiation skills, nor do they have a high level of control over what happens in their lives.  When these two elements are combined, the results can be diabolical.   Continued...


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Toddlers have all the activity of an international airport without the air traffic control tower.

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