Entertainment Weekly

How do you know when you must—in no uncertain terms—pay extra special attention to a Hollywood celebrity?

When Entertainment Weekly damn well tells you to, that's when. And now the EW star-making brain trust has deemed your very own Joel McHale the Must TV Mocker of 2009. Or at least the current issue.

So don't even think about not must-liking Joel. Or Entertainment Weekly will hunt you down and get all EWey on your ass.

And, unless you have incredibly good eyesight, you'll want to click here to read the story.

Once upon a time there was a talent show that allowed people to appear on television and display their unique abilities, often making complete fools of themselves. That was called The Gong Show.

Now, we have America's Got Talent, featuring "the hottest performers from across the country," often making complete fools of themselves.

Somehow, the astonishing Nubian Beauty doesn't fit into "hottest performer" or "complete fool." Maybe "freakshow sweetheart"? Anyhow, for two seconds she's pure dynamite.

Witness more Americans offering talent after the jump.

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Nothing says wholesome family entertainment like a show about young female gymnasts.

The graceful athletic strength, the message of health, drive and focus, and a mom and dad tossing around all the phallic innuendo you can swallow.

All that's missing is the rim shot. 

Michael Jackson has gone to that big Neverland in the sky, but let us not dwell on the high weirdness that surrounded much of his adult life.

For, once upon a time, he was just a kid from Indiana with amazing pipes and four talented brothers who sang their way onto stuff like the Sonny & Cher Comedy Hour.

Here, young Mike reveals possible career paths, circa early '70s. Just think, he might have been one hell of singing legislator. Or a really weird astronaut.

A few more Soupy Michael memories after the jump.

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What is that you say? You have not heard of Las tontas no van al cielo? You are unaware of the, how you say, thespian skills, of Jaime Camil? Then, my friends, you are in for a treat.

Not since Ricky Ricardo has an emotional Latino communicated so much by saying so little.

Since last week's Soup defiled the airwaves in its usual grand fashion, you—the dedicated fans of heightened humor—have demanded more of Myke Hawke.

Capt. Myke Hawke, that is, military veteran badass who taught bizarre food-devouring lardass Andrew Zimmern how to survive in the jungle for a couple days with only a camera crew.

So, for the sheer third-grade pleasure of it, here's all of Myke Hawke you can handle.

There are a lot of heavy issues in the secret lives of teens Ben and Adrian. Having the coolest dad in the world is not one of them.

The 11.5 million World of Warcraft subscribers are now one player less.

And he is not happy.

This is the best thing you will see all day.

Promise Keepers just called, and they want their man tears back.

That's right, the water works are flowing, and this time they're not just part of Jillian Harris' charade of crushed passion. Sensitive break dance instructor Michael got all choked up when the Bachelorette literally kicked Robby off of the love train in the middle of the Canadian forest.

Yes, a dude is crying because another dude—his competition, even—was eliminated. Imagine how he's going to react when he finds out the whole thing is fake.

Chicago is a city known for many things: wind, big shoulders, slaughterhouses and now, cardboard bears. 

Cardboard bears that lope through frightened citizen's backyards, held up by the intrepid reporting staff of WJW, where the news is more fun than a puppet show.

Thanks to Soup enthusiast ShelflifeCC, who tweeted in this gem in. If you've got anything equally, uh, good, feel free to feed the insatiable Soup maw. It's always open wide and hungry.

As competition for the hand of desperate Canuck Jillian increases, the boys are forced to ratchet up their game. Which means more heartfelt romance, more deep feeling, more amorous sentiment.

For foot deviant Tanner P., however, that translates to lubing up the lady's pedal extremities while tenderly cooing that her feet are "softer than s—t." Exactly how he knows this is anyone's guess.

See you at the altar, Romeo.

Despite the pneumatic charms of Daisy De La Hoya, the brainiacs competing for her elusive love can easily be distracted. In the case of macho Flex, arousal is as close as taking a hammer to a slab of raw chicken meat. 

God knows what he'd do with a blow torch and a hunk of butt steak.