This week, Dancing with the Stars announced their 'stars' for next season.  Among them?  Everyone's favorite drug addict and all around insane person, Steve-O.  Which sounds like the beginning of a wacky movie where a bunch of producers shrug at each other and say 'what could possibly go wrong?'  HINT:  Everything.  Everything could go wrong. (DListed)

On to less retarded news!

Or not.  Chris Brown was arrested Sunday night after beating the crap out of girlfriend Rihanna over a text message.  Medics responding to the scene called it 'horrific.'  To be fair, the fight took place at a drive-in theatre playing non-stop Disaster Movie, so its unclear what the medics were referring to. (IDLYITW, DListed, WWTDD)

To add to this mess, Terrence Howard was asked yesterday about the situation and said 'It's just life man.  Chris is a great guy.  Rihanna knows he loves her.'  Almost immediately, he retracted his statement, saying he was unaware of the full situation.  If he had known, he would have just thought this instead of saying it out loud. (DListed)
 
Things are looking up for Christian Bale after last week's feeding frenzy.  This week, we learned the DP Bale railed against was generally hated on set, and Ron Howard even went on Howard Stern to defend Bale's tirade.  Boooooo.  I liked it better when he was a crazy asshole.  Oh well.  At least we have Joaquin Phoenix. (WWTDD, IDLYITW)

Dear That Girl in My Early Irish Literature Class,

 

            When you first walked into class the other day with your shiny knee-high boots and your snug V-neck sweater and your black jeans so tight I don't know how you squeezed into them, I was stricken.  I stared at you the entire class.  I don't think you noticed.  I noticed you, though.  I noticed how your hair was perfectly styled and you had on just the right amount of makeup.  While all the other girls showed up to class in sweatpants and Uggs, you were dressed like you were going dancing right after class.  I dreamt that you and I would lock eyes after class and you would take me dancing with you.  It would be our first date.  I noticed that you didn't smile.  Not once. While everyone else was laughing at the professor's jokes and stories, you just sat there.  Your lips didn't even quiver.  I knew because I was staring at you.  I want to make you smile.

            I looked you up on our class roster when I got back to my room.  Your name is Rebecca, but I've started calling you "mi flor del desierto."  It means "my flower of the desert" in Spanish. It's a metaphor.  Our class is a barren desert and you are the beautiful lonely flower who thrives - somehow.  I chose it because I'm pretty sure you're Mexican.  You could be Persian but I can't really tell the difference. Also I don't know any Persian.

            I saw you in the dining hall yesterday. You looked just as pretty as ever. I followed you home - I hope you don't mind.  I waited around the corner for you to go into your room and then I smelled your doorknob. It smelled like cantaloupe.  That watermelon you found outside your room this morning was from me.  I couldn't find any cantaloupe.  Sorry. I hope you liked the bow though.

            Last night after I dropped off the watermelon, I sat on a bench outside your window and pretended to watch you sleep.  I couldn't actually see you since you live on the fifth floor, but it was nice to pretend.  I decided, out there under the moon, that I love you.  I guess that's why I'm writing you this letter. 

Today I'm going to sit next to you in class and give you this. I'll wait until you finish reading, and then I'll reach out for your hand.  You'll take it, and we'll lock eyes for the first time.  Then you'll smile...at last.

 

I love you, mi flor del desierto.

 

 PK

• The Butterfly
• The Concealed Door
• Blows of the Planting Pin
• The Closed and Open Ring
• The Tigress
• The Splitting of a Bamboo
• The Mirror of Pleasing
• Penetrating the Eye
• The Wheelbarrow
• The Medusa Variant
• The Gazelle and the Stallion
• The Wife of India
• The Mare's Position
• The Transverse Lute
• The Snake Trap
• The Suspended Congress
• The Elephant Posture
• Kama's Wheel
• The Milk and Water Embrace
• Raised Missionary

I need an extension on my essay...

...because the amount of material I've uncovered in my research is very extensive, and I'd like a few extra days to study through it all so that I can present a stronger, more coherent argument.

...because I had several other class assignments due today, and I'd like to have time and energy enough to put in the effort that this essay deserves.

...because the college's unrecycled printer paper is an affront to Gaia, the earth mother. Did you even watch Fern Gully?

...because Coach says he can get your skinny ass fired if you fail me out of the playoffs. Championship train, baby! Woo woo!

...because... okay, wow, hang on... you ever wake up drunker then you went to bed?


I did not eat the food your parents sent you...

... that would be a selfish and totally insensitive act, and I hope you know me better than that.

... I've been sick, so I haven't had much of an appetite.

... I thought they sent it for me. I knew your dad back in the war, and well... your generation never could understand.

... You know, the Nazis used to accuse the Jews of crimes they didn't commit. Does that remind you of anyone, Mister Adolf Hitler?

... I don't like Guatemalan food. I don't even like Guatemalan people.

Hey you!

No matter how many times I tag you in this, you keep refusing to write 25 random things about yourself! You probably thought I wouldn't even notice that you always untag it, but I did, (you old dog!) and if you think you're getting off the hook that easily, boy-oh-boy are you wrong! If you're not going to write 25 random things about yourself, I figured that I would! Sooooo... here they are!

25 Random Things About You:

1) You have made out with me four more times than you think you have.

2) Hair gets caught in your comb when you brush your hair, but you never know why the hair is always gone when you get home from work.

3) Your cat didn't actually run away.

4) You have eaten parts of a cat before.

5) There are video cameras in your house that you don't know about.

6) The code to disarm your home security system is 4-9-2-2-1.

7) The look on your face when somebody breaks into your house at night is very cute.

8) You are terrible at giving accurate descriptions to the police. I am not 5'8! LOL!

What do you associate with beer pong, besides getting belligerent in a moldy college basement? Ever thought about tossing together a tournament in Las Vegas that would grow to house over 400 teams? How about whipping up a $50K grand prize? Of course not, you lazy jerk.

Billy Gaines and Duncan Carroll helped take beer pong from an excuse to black out to a legitimate sport by co-founding The World Series of Beer Pong and Bpong.com. I recently got to ask them how the tournament came to be, what winners do with their prize money, and the best distraction they've ever witnessed.

Usually when someone is really good at beer pong, they are considered to have a drinking problem. Is each yearly winner guaranteed to be a raging alcoholic?

If beer pong was just a college game, then perhaps your perception is correct - what college student is not a raging alcoholic?  What we've done with beer pong, however, is brought the game out of your college frat house basement and turned it into a sport. At the World Series and in any game a player is not required to drink any alcohol if they so choose. WSOBP official rules also have the back four cups filled with water rather than beer. Those that attend our events view beer pong as a sport and are there with a number one goal of winning their games. As such, I suspect the odds are against the winner being a raging alcoholic.

Is there a favorite type of beer to play with in the tournament?

Pencil (Number 2, Mechanical): Very light and easy to throw, minor risk in harming the bird. The resulting sound is very light, not enough to scare bird for more than a few seconds.

Liver size
Number of greasy wings in your stomach
Poker games "won"
Real friends
Future checking account balance
Frats joined
Likelihood you'll have to raise a puppy for the next 4 months, then kill it as initiation

Wow, the titular character has almost as many double-letters in his name as Maggie Gyllenhaal(l).

Also wow, those "Previously On"s were positively interminable.

Apparently Manny Skerritt's dick is sooo huuuuge that he desires to have its size reduced. Because he's a yoga fanatic who can't stop sucking on his own penis. Sean's like, "Self-fellatio... that's impossible!" He said aliens were impossible, too. What's next, Dr. McNamara? SANTA CLAUS?! Manny gets into his yoga wiener-sucking pose and is like, "I am seriously having such a hard time right now not licking my own dong," and Sean is like, "Sorry, dude, but nobody's ever asked for a peep reduction before. This is totally unprecedented," and Manny is like, "How about you unprecedent my DICK?" and Christian's like, "That's what we're telling you, nobody knows how."

 Facebook is a social networking tool that helps you stay connected with people so they never forget how popular you are. 

Ally's Wall- to-Wall with Emma Mackinnon

Mackinnon:  Duuuuuude. So drunks malunks last night. Cant believe we stripped on the bar. I hope no one saw. Tell Jules to post pics pronto. alchie fooo lyfeee.
 

Ally: Chhhhhhhhhhyyyaaaaa, for serious- I've been sans sobriety for the past month-no doubts,  perma party is how we do. I just doooowned some wines...I don't even know where I am right now. I'll text malext soontime.
 

Mackinnon:  ohhhh my god! Im so annie- ive lost 0.3 pounds so far! Our diet of grapefruit, vodka, crytstal light, red bull, cottage cheese and mustard is so legit.  Ill calls u in 2. Missssss uuuuuu.

 Ally: In class-so boring. Oh...tonight... predranks then meet up with the rest of de peeps as per usge-skis. Mos def get our swerve on to some Akon, Q-Tip and jonbon.  I'll text deets.

Last Week on Heroes: Hiro bought Ando a supersuit that would've made him look completely leotarded. Everyone got arrested like it was the third act of Casino, then Nathan loaded them on a plane like it was the first scene of U.S. Marshals. Also I made a lot of movie references.

This Week: Claire lunges into the cockpit and startles the pilot with her terrible acting. Not to be outdone, Peter does his part to accidentally murder everyone by breaking the plane with his stupid frozen hand. The fu-jet-ives plummet toward a body of water. Meanwhile on the Las Vegas strip, that enormous neon guitar in front of the Hard Rock Hotel breathes a welcome sigh of relief.

I can't tell you how many times I've gone to the library or a computer lab and found someone still logged into their user account. It used to make me angry. It used to make me wonder what was wrong with people. I don't know if they just forget or just don't care, but either way they deserve to be messed with for their stupidity. It took almost a year of my life to find these and to some degree I feel bad, but I'm pretty sure these people won't ever forget to log out again.

This one is pretty intense and I questioned actually doing it for a solid 15 minutes, but in the end I had to do what I had to do. Plus, she sounds like a pretty annoying girl from the look of her course load so that helped ease my guilt.

Check out the original NewsFreed.

I can't tell you how many times I've gone to the library or a computer lab and found someone still logged into their user account. It used to make me angry. It used to make me wonder what was wrong with people. I don't know if they just forget or just don't care, but either way they deserve to be messed with for their stupidity. It took almost a year of my life to find these and to some degree I feel bad, but I'm pretty sure these people won't ever forget to log out again.

This one is pretty intense and I questioned actually doing it for a solid 15 minutes, but in the end I had to do what I had to do. Plus, she sounds like a pretty annoying girl from the look of her course load so that helped ease my guilt.

Check out the original NewsFreed.

All grandmas have been up in a tizzy since those government TV coupon commericals with that nice man started airing, but every time they call their grandkids for an explanation, the confusion continues because they just hear what they want to hear.

Simply roll your mouse over the text to reveal what your grandma hears!

iTunes has just finished an invigorating session of Bikram Yoga and is on his way to finish the final 300 pages of David Foster Wallace's "Infinite Jest" when he feels a tap on his shoulder.  Thinking it must be his best friend Netflix, he turns around, is immediately chloroformed, and is tossed into the back of a black 1979 Dodge Ram Van by a creature he can't identify.  When he comes to, he finds himself in the darkness of the basement of an abandoned warehouse.

iTunes:  Where... where am I?

A dim light is turned on and flickers overhead as Jordan Knight's "Give It To You" begins to blare over the muffled loudspeakers.  iTunes tries to stand up but finds his arms and legs tied to the legs of the school desk he finds himself sitting in.  He barely manages to lift the lid of the desk to see that it is filled with CD cases that have been destroyed beyond recognition; the only one he can identify is Sugar Ray's "14:59".  The light is turned off and the music begins to fade out.  A few seconds later, the light is turned back on and iTunes finds himself staring at the same creature that kidnapped him.

iTunes:  What do you want from me?

Winamp Media Player:  You don't even know who I am, do you?

iTunes:  MediaMonkey?

Winamp Media Player punches iTunes in the stomach.

iTunes:  What the hell was that for?

Winamp Media Player:  Watch your mouth, I should end you just for saying that.

iTunes:  I've never seen you on his desktop... how should I know who you are?

It's hard to be a normal human being and become famous on the internet. In most cases, you have to be an overweight preteen tweaking out over videogames, a ninja, a baby singing rap songs, or a groin injury. Mr. Chi City is none of these. His videos involve nothing out of the ordinary: freeze pops, parking tickets, and chrome garbage cans. He has acquired millions of hits on YouTube and CollegeHumor, yet he remains just a "regular dude who happens to own a digital camera."

I spoke to the self-proclaimed "realest dude on YouTube" last week about how to get women, keeping anonymity in his videos, and why he thinks his videos are so popular.

How did you begin making the videos?
You know what, man, I had a friend who was in a -they don't call them halfway houses anymore, now they're called transitional houses- and he had internet access. I guess you could call it good behavior, where as long as they wasn't in there clownin', they would let them watch TV and have internet and stuff like that. So he wanted me to e-mail him and keep him updated on what was going on, and I was like, "If you got the internet, look, I'll post a video about my Chevy on YouTube and then you can just check it out." And he hit me up the next day like, "Man, we really liked seeing your car... could you post something else, just going around where you live at?"
So I was like... "A'ight." [laughs]

I need an extension on my essay...

...because the amount of material I've uncovered in my research is very extensive, and I'd like a few extra days to study through it all so that I can present a stronger, more coherent argument.

...because I had several other class assignments due today, and I'd like to have time and energy enough to put in the effort that this essay deserves.

...because the college's unrecycled printer paper is an affront to Gaia, the earth mother. Did you even watch Fern Gully?

...because Coach says he can get your skinny ass fired if you fail me out of the playoffs. Championship train, baby! Woo woo!

...because... okay, wow, hang on... you ever wake up drunker then you went to bed?


I did not eat the food your parents sent you...

... that would be a selfish and totally insensitive act, and I hope you know me better than that.

... I've been sick, so I haven't had much of an appetite.

... I thought they sent it for me. I knew your dad back in the war, and well... your generation never could understand.

... You know, the Nazis used to accuse the Jews of crimes they didn't commit. Does that remind you of anyone, Mister Adolf Hitler?

... I don't like Guatemalan food. I don't even like Guatemalan people.

CEO: Gentlemen, we've only got a few weeks before the Super Bowl and need to make these commercials better than last year's.

Calloway: Well, what's the first thing someone thinks of when they're looking to buy a web domain?

Richards: A chick with fake boobs getting sprayed with a hose.

Johnson: Wow, that...doesn't make sense at all.

Calloway: Love it. Cut and print.

CEO: It's good, there's no doubt about that.

Johnson: How about a commercial that actually, ya know, explains what we do?

Richards: Genius. We get a hot chick with huge fake knockers...

1892 - Inventor Adam Abbot bursts into the office he shares with his fellow inventors.

Adam: I've done it, Gentlemen!  I've created a new, comfortable type of footwear!

Steve: Oh?

Adam: Yes.  You see, the walls of the shoe are composed of stiffened cotton and the soles are made of formed rubber.  They are light, flexible and great for athletics.

Steve: Athletics?

Adam: Yes, it's a new word.  It describes physical activities such as bi-cycling or fast-walking.

Martin: Well, why didn't you just say fast-walking, man?!

Adam: My apologies.  Now, gentlemen, what shall we call this new type of footwear?

Martin: Perhaps 'rubber soled footwearers'?

Adam: Good, good.  But I think we can do better.  Steve?  Anything?

Steve: Perhaps, 'Adam Abbot's Fashionable Atletikes Shoes for Upstanding Men of Position'?

Adam: Did you mean, "Athletics?"

Steve: Yes, whatever that newfangled word is.

Adam: Perhaps...

How relevant your answers are
How much you raise your hand
Ability to bullsh*t answers
Number of people who you're having whispered conversations with
How loud your whispers are
Number of desks you're sitting at