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Mattimer
Mar 03, 2008

you can only get the clap so many times before it turns into applause


In 2006 I was first exposed to the sub-genre of intellectual garbage known as "fanfiction." But, like an anthropologist witnessing his first human sacrifice to the Sun God, I wasn't disgusted or appalled... I was intrigued. I wanted to know what could drive the human mind to commit such atrocities. I wanted to step inside the brain of a 12 year old love-child between a crack addicted mother and a bottle of Jack Daniels. Society as we know it was at stake.

For the next ten months I absorbed myself into fanfiction. I learned its dirty little secrets. I learned its recipe.
- Place beloved cultural icons in blender
- Add arch nemesis or main character from another series
- Pour in 3lb of Grandy's Grade A Homoeroticism
- Sprinkle a dash of mental retardation over the mix, then sprinkle three hundred more
- Season to taste
The formula was as simple as the authors themselves and as effective as they are at eating glue. It was perfect.

Then I realized something: I am as intelligent as they are dumb, why can't I write something? Why can't I write a story so mind-numbingly bad that it stands the test of time as one of the worst things ever written in the English language? Surely I could beat them at their own game. It was then that I heard the choir of angels and knew what has tobe done.

I started my journey by downing a few thermometers and catching my head in the car door.
I picked a game that I had a knowledge of as loose as my stool after a case of beer: Half-life.
I picked a biography for my pseudonym that would inspire as much compassion as it would contempt: an 8 year old French Canadian boy who was using fanfiction as a way to learn English.
I picked a cutesy yet catchy name: squirrelking.
The story was laid out on the bed and now all I had to do was gently caress it.

The resulting "Half-life: Full-life Consequences" story started off modest. I posted it on a forum as a thing you TOTALLY HAVE TO SEE and some other guy named blind51de did an epic narration. It went to YTMND, got passed around like a donkey in a North Korean village, and further inspired a flash animation. It reached the heights I never thought it could. While writing a Metal Gear Solid series that got popular on 4chan for some reason, I threw down a quick sequel and thought the series would suffocate and die in the stuffed anus of the Internet.
I was wrong.

On a sunny January morning in The Year of Our Lord 2008, I awoke to a new result during my many sessions of googling myself: A HLFLC movie by a person known as "djy." It was silly, stupid, funny and had its own flavor. It now has over 2 million views and yes, I have used it to get some action. The sequel was also made into a movie and soon after that he started selling t-shirts with catchphrases. I have no issues over selling out and contacted him about getting my share of the dead prime ministers.

As the series began to grow, along with questions of a sequel, I thought of reviving the exploits of John Freeman. I didn't want to try to copy what I did with the first two and thus create a cheap imitation of myself, so I went full-bore mongoloid with the spelling errors and grammar mistakes. I wanted to see what an epic movie would look like if a preadolescent Gary Busey wrote the script, and off I went. I got some reviews saying I was "trying too hard", which cut me deep, but with the stupid lines also came more catchphrases and thus more t-shirt sales and if the American health care system has taught me anything, it's that money heals all wounds.
Capitalism will always beat integrity, especially when it comes to fanfiction.

Now, I've always thought that the mystique of squirrelking was the reason for its success. No one actually knew whether or not there was actually a boy out there trying his darndest to put 2 coherent words together and no one likes anything more than laughing at a foreign person. But now there is no point... a little while ago I was told that, because the t-shirts had copyrighted material on them, they would not be printed. No shirts. No money. More tears. I needed another way to stroke the fame phallus for all its worth. I stopped caring about the money and strove for recognition and attention. I swallowed my pride (and anything else the producer promised would make me famous) and whored myself out for all to see. I even posted a thread dedicated to the series, which has been lost to everyone but those with an archive account.

Since "Dancing With The Stars" won't take washed up celebrities who write like children with Downs Syndrome, only ones who look like them, I needed another option. With nowhere else to turn, I emailed the New York Times and told them that I had a story that makes Deep Throat look like a 10 year old girl with a bad gag reflex. My reply was a cease and desist letter.

So that's it. This thread is my Waterloo- squirrelking's last stand. Peter Chimaera, another proprietor of repugnant prose, has asked me to co-write something with him. I declined. That part of me is dead.
I ask for no reward, no sympathy, no praise. I only wish to put my handprint on the walls of Internet history, my chance to say "I was here. I belonged."

The squirrelking is dead, long live the king.

For an added bonus, here are some of the reviews I've received in the past

Harry Snape-Potter on "Half Life Full Life Consequences" posted:

i want to surprise sex this **, but its so bad i'm speechless. my friend kyle is laughing because its so BAD. like no joke this so some really BAD **. the video was cool though cause you misspelled like everything and the dude said it word for word. like no **, take some spelling lessons, cause you can't spell for ** either. like are you five? my baby cousin spells better then you do and she's in the second grade. writing like this disgraces fanfiction cause its THAT bad. after reading this, hell i didn't even read all of it cause it ** me off. like for the first time in my adult life i wish i didn't know how to read so i didn't have to read this sort of **!

Pata Hikari on "Metal Gear Solid: Fight of Metal Gears 2: Old Enemys Come Back" posted:

You represent everything that is wrong with fanfiction.

This... thing... is what happens when someone drugs the english language, rapes it, and then forces it to have an abortion. You then take the BLOODY DEAD CHILD and post it up on the internet for all to see.

I pray to God you are doing this in jest. Because if you are serious then Humanity has lost all hope and we should just nuke ourselves from orbit now.

The AntiPoet on "Halo: Halos in Space" posted:

Ugh. Honey, I hate to say this, but this really needs work. I understand that english isn't your first language, so the spelling and grammar errors, as well as lackluster vocabulary, are forgivable. In fact, I think you are doing a very nice job of it. So instead of that, let's examine some of the more technical aspects of your writing.

1. Plot. Or rather, the lack thereof. Your story can be summed up in one sentence: "Joe Chief sees aliens so he grabs a weapon and kills them all. The end." It's so dismally empty I don't even know what to do to fix it; it would require a complete revamp. Instead, I would just try to bring future fics up to snuff. People won't read a story unless there's interest! So, that said, what makes a story interesting? Good question. I'd say it's the conflict, but your stories have plenty of that and they're still not all that intruiging. (Perhaps it's because they're mostly rehashes of already-done story plots, but hey, I could be wrong.) Well, maybe I'm not giving your stories enough credit. I imagine they might be interesting if they weren't completely hampered by the deadpan way you put everything. (Again, this may be because of your poor grammar skills, and that will come in time.)

Whoah, tangent. Okay. What makes a story interesting? I'm not sure I'm suited to answer that, but I'll try. Characterisation, conflict, insight, quirks, humor, dramatic moments... in short, anything really to give the audience something they haven't seen before. They want to be entertained. A story has to serve a purpose! And I firmly believe that if a plot is flawed or uninteresting, no matter what you do the story will be uninteresting too. Even if it's just a five-hundred word short like these. Which brings me to:

2. Size. You're trying to say a very, very lot in a very short amount of space. Like I mentioned, your story is pretty much taking the essence of what is Halo and putting it into a smaller space, then calling it a "fanfic". I dunno about the rest of the people out there, but I already know what happens and don't want to have to read it over again. But I digress. Halo is an epic. It spans three whole games, or at least it will if it doesn't yet. And even though the majority of that is just, "blam blam shoot the aliens' heads off", there is NO way that can be put down in a well-written and interesting way in 520 words. (My point is even further made in your Metal Gear Solid fics. Which, while written earlier, still somehow managed to have better grammar... hmm.) Spend a little time on it! Describe the area, or at least give the characters SOME personality. There's lots to do to make a good story, and so much room to do it with (infinite actually), and there's no rush, so why not just sit down and get it right?

3. The Characters. Have no personalities. I'm sorry, but they sound like robots. At parts I even wonder if you take your own stories seriously. Since they're not labeled "humor", I'll just assume you were serious about it when you wrote, "'Human people army guys hurry and come in ship!' Joe Chief said". NOBODY talks like that. When you're writing, try to imagine what you would say in his place, and take note of how you would say it. You'd be amazed how much realistic speech helps the believability of a story.

Well, there was more, but it's getting kind of late. Again, I know you don't speak english as a first language, and I understand that you work ** these fics. However, without even putting in any extra effort, if in the future you just make sure that your plot is interesting, your characters non-robotic, and your story of adequate size to what you're trying to say, that can improve exponentially. Thank you for your time, and I hope I haven't offended you. If I have, I apologize and hope that you might at least take my suggestions somewhat into consideration.

Nicholas Rockwood on "FFVII: Story of Rain Strife" posted:

Dear SquirrilKing,
I would tell to keep trying but you obviously have. You've reached your peak and I cannot advise anything but for you to commit suicide. That would be a blessing upon FasntasyWorld or whatever the hell kind you live in. You are a retarded ** idiot please stop the madness.
Love nick

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Pozzo the Crown
Sep 02, 2009


If it's any consolation, I haven't even heard of this internet phenomena.

TLB
Nov 30, 2006

bitin ain't easy!

Sorry guy, I only know you as "the dude with the haw avatar". I bet you had fun though

Jimmeeee
Aug 28, 2008


You wrote Half-Lif: Full-Life Consequences? The first time I read that I laughed so hard I started crying.

big duck equals goose
Nov 07, 2006

White Pride, fuck retards <3


I made lolcats, the thread. A beautiful story of loss, misery, hardship, and finding true love.

never back down... never surrender... - cloud strife

The Third Man
Nov 05, 2005
Just what's going on in here?


Nice troll. Literally.

Mr.Brinks
Apr 24, 2005
Welly, well. To what do I owe the extreme pleasure of this surprising?



quote:

"I cant give you my lisense officer" John Freeman said

"Why not?" said the headcrab oficer back to John Freeman.

"Because you are headcrab zombie" so John Freeman shot the oficer in the head and drove off thinking "my brother is in trouble there" and went faster.

I will always remember this passage. Bravo, sir.

Alvie
May 22, 2008

To inspire myself, I turn to myself.


Holy poo poo dude, you're squirrelking?

This thread is simultaneously awesome and infuriating. I've never actually read the full stories but the videos on youtube by djy are just about the funniest thing I've ever seen. I'm never going to be able to look at them the same way again though.

Congratulations, you really succeeded in making the shittiest story ever told. As soon as I read the first line of this thread I thought, "God, I hope/don't hope that this guy is either squirrelking or Christian Humber."

A tip of my hat to you, sir. You're a loving genius.

"The contrysides were nice and the plants were singing and the birds and the sun was almost down from the top of the sky." is probably the funniest sentence I've ever heard or read.

EDIT: I would like to know which swear words the guy who wrote the first review was using that were only 2 letters.

Alvie fucked around with this message at Sep 04, 2009 around 23:02

Easty
Sep 25, 2008




Thank you. From the bottom of my heart.

Dissapointed Owl
Jan 30, 2008

Disillusioned and very disappointed.


It would be funny if you had written those fanfics. Granted.

Positive Housemouse
Jun 05, 2006

Take off your fucking mask


I read this a while ago and laughed my rear end off. Good job.

BetterTasteThnU
Nov 29, 2003
NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR STUPID FUCKING WEBSITE, STOP POSTING IT IN YOUR DAMN SIGNATURE

Too much Fanfiction, not enough Sex, Drugs, Rock, or Roll.

Mattimer
Mar 03, 2008

you can only get the clap so many times before it turns into applause


BetterTasteThnU posted:

Too much Fanfiction, not enough Sex, Drugs, Rock, or Roll.
I've had so much sex, drugs, rock and roll with this gig that it bores me to talk about.

Brantburz
Nov 27, 2007


Squirrelking has dead, long live the king.

Plate
Jul 05, 2006
Love for the rest of us

I can honestly say I never doubted it when Kotaku said those GMOD videos were based off a kid's fanfiction attempts. Excellent job, man. I don't think I've laughed so much at anything else on the internet. Zombie goasts forever

BetterTasteThnU
Nov 29, 2003
NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR STUPID FUCKING WEBSITE, STOP POSTING IT IN YOUR DAMN SIGNATURE

Mattimer posted:

I've had so much sex, drugs, rock and roll with this gig that it bores me to talk about.

But you're not above throwing it into the thread title I see.

sn00ke
Dec 29, 2008


Holy poo poo, that was you?

Did you also do a "Halo: Halos in Space"? I remember coming across the flash at the same time as Full Life Consequences and wondering if the same guy did both since they felt so similar in syntax.

Wedemeyer
May 02, 2008


Uh, you got proof that you're squirrdlking or something? Otherwise this is like someone taking a funny SA thread and posting it to 4chan as their own.

Mattimer
Mar 03, 2008

you can only get the clap so many times before it turns into applause


BetterTasteThnU posted:

But you're not above throwing it into the thread title I see.
You know what, bettertastethnu, I am without excuses.

And to sn00ke: yep, I wrote the Halo stories.

mynameisbatman
Oct 03, 2008


Holy gently caress, I loved full life consequences.

Also as a bonus, a furry music artist remixed a song about it which I think is awesome, besides the fact that it's made by a furry. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Po_v4jXZaD8

Here's the original song, also made by the same furry artist. The video to it is amazing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQq1...feature=related

Mattimer
Mar 03, 2008

you can only get the clap so many times before it turns into applause


Wedemeyer posted:

Uh, you got proof that you're squirrdlking or something? Otherwise this is like someone taking a funny SA thread and posting it to 4chan as their own.

http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1047027/squirrelking

Nigmaetcetera
Nov 17, 2004

Sorry guys, I'm just a donut.


Well, at least Christian Humber is real.

CmdrChicken
Jun 16, 2008



Mattimer posted:

I swallowed my pride (and anything else the producer promised would make me famous) and whored myself out for all to see

I'm going to suppose you read at least some of the CHR thread, but I doubt you got to the part where I actually imitated the squirrelking style in a Christian Humber/Full Life Consequences crossover fanfiction of a fanfiction. There's something... cerebral about bad Fanfiction.

Either way you never expressed your opinion of Christian Humber in that thread so I would kindly ask you do so here, out of sheer curiosity.

Shakespearean Beef
Jul 12, 2008

"To beef or not to beef..."



Holy poo poo. Well, thank you for laughs.

DriveMeCrazy
Dec 07, 2004

Sometimes lies were more dependable than the truth.


Wedemeyer posted:

Uh, you got proof that you're squirrdlking or something? Otherwise this is like someone taking a funny SA thread and posting it to 4chan as their own.

I'm the guy who invented the little rubber thing on earphone jacks so the wires don't twist out of the ends and fray.

Mattimer
Mar 03, 2008

you can only get the clap so many times before it turns into applause


CmdrChicken posted:

I'm going to suppose you read at least some of the CHR thread, but I doubt you got to the part where I actually imitated the squirrelking style in a Christian Humber/Full Life Consequences crossover fanfiction of a fanfiction. There's something... cerebral about bad Fanfiction.

Either way you never expressed your opinion of Christian Humber in that thread so I would kindly ask you do so here, out of sheer curiosity.

He (?) is very strange. I didn't really get into the stories as a whole, having just read the choice paragraphs and all, but all of them, especially the wedding, point to a guy who is as serious as he is whimsically delusional.
He's somebody who puts no limit or filter on his imagination. He's not the type of person who asks "What if a giant meteor came out of the sky one day and hit my city?" He's the type who writes "One day a meteor came out of nowhere and everyone was surprised but I stood there and saw it, then I brought out a bomb I had and blew it up. Some pieces flew off and killed the mayor of the city so they made me the mayor for saving people. Then a giant spider came out of a hole that suddenly appeared and I punched it in the scrotum." More or less.

I feel that the best stupid fanfiction is a result of the writer opening up their mind and letting everything pour onto their monitor. It's when the stream of consciousness overflows and drowns out all common sense. It's wonderful.

cea
Feb 14, 2009


nm. idk?

cea fucked around with this message at Sep 05, 2009 around 01:12

TLB
Nov 30, 2006

bitin ain't easy!

DriveMeCrazy posted:

I'm the guy who invented the little rubber thing on earphone jacks so the wires don't twist out of the ends and fray.

Thank you so much for this.

Manky
Mar 20, 2007

powered by a forsaken child


God bless you.

Head moved real fast up still makes me almost cry with joy.

Mein Eyes!
Apr 15, 2002
owned by ur bro get fucked college dog

I wrote a pretty good fanfic for Astroempires once. It was called "Magic Goon! SPACEGIRL!!"

Wrath of Mordark
Jul 25, 2006

Foster liked his brand new wand!

Holy. loving. poo poo.

I loved Full Life Consequences. You are a legend!

The fact that there was a goon behind it all makes it all the more special.

Wedemeyer
May 02, 2008








My apologies! That's pretty mindboggling though. Still, awesome dude. Sorry for doubting you.

CapnBiggles
Jan 12, 2004

James Bigglesworth, Defender of the Skies, the Commonwealth, and the Common Good

I've never heard of this, but I applaud your efforts.

Edit: nevermind I remember this, wow, impressive.

Dr. Dick
Jun 26, 2009

I'm doctor Dick
And when you're feeling sick
Babe, I know a trick
It's sex, and it's sex, you'll be feelin' alright
Hey, let's have sex together and forever tonight


I must ask: what is your take on "my immortal"?

Xaander
Jul 11, 2007
Lord of Toast

Holy poo poo.

HOLY poo poo.

Holy poo poo.

I love you. I love your writing. I love this thread. I love the internet.

Holy poo poo.

 ALFbrot
Apr 17, 2002


This thread did not have tobe done

The Corporate
Jul 07, 2009


I actually believed that those stories were written by someone with no talent. I genuinely had no doubt in my mind.


You've shaken my belief in everything I hold dear. My mind is thoroughly blown.

Crane
Jun 10, 2004

We are the Dead. Short days ago we lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow, loved and were loved, and now we lie in Flanders fields.

Like the magician who shows you his tricks, the magic is dimminished (not gone).
I giggled at Half life: Full Life Consequences with such glee because I thought it really was done by someone with just awful writing.

I still enjoy it (because of all the Gmod work and the remix), but not as much as when I thought it was real (real dumb).

Not saying that this wasn't great and the audio/visual spinoffs wouldn't exist without it. I'm truly glad you wrote it and it isn't far off from what every single Fanfic I've ever read (except for that one that has detailed instructions on dolphins and...I don't want to talk anymore.)

Even though you revealed that it wasn't done by a grammatically challanged lad, it still makes me laugh. I'm glad it was a goon, and I wish I had thought of it first.


edit: forget everything I said, I was pretty bummed out about humanity when I heard that fanfic. At least I know it's a parody and drat good so I don't have to be exposed to all the real ones that are worse. Please please don't be any worse then that. Well done.

The first.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OHxyZaZlaOs


Don't watch until you've seen ALL the episodes.
Music Video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dEWN...feature=related
Edit, this isn't even the good remix. There was a thread about this a little while ago with all the good links, Anyone else have it?

Crane fucked around with this message at Sep 05, 2009 around 02:05

Carbon Deity
Mar 11, 2006

Conquering the universe, one soul at a time.

I had never cried with laughter until I first watched the Garry's Mod rendition of your epic tale. Thank you.

PoisonedV
Jul 17, 2009

my first crapatar


I never really watched/read any of it, but I was totally aware of it from some other forums I go to. Man, goons really ARE behind everything.

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